Daniella sat down again and wrote in her diary:
I feel like I could easily do one of two things.
I could drive out of California. Maybe down that long winding ribbon of highway on the coast with he lush tree hills and the turquoise sea. That would be cheerful.
And then I could find a long empty stretch of road with an appropriate telephone pole. One that's begging for a memorial cross.
And I could drive at it very fast.
Alternatively!
I could drive back to the office. And I could ask Layla to buy me a salad, and a soda or perhaps a smoothie, and I could eat my lunch while I write my speech for my next seminar.
I could do one, or I could do the other.
The telephone pole or the office.
It seems no more an important decision that whether or not I will have the soda or the smoothie.
•••
After a long day of work, Daniella got home and took out her diary once again:
We were driving to the supermarket when I had a sudden craving for TV. My favorite doctor show was on. I needed to see the characters being nasty and sarcastic while diagnosing impossible medical conditions. What what would the doctors say to me?
"You're infertile. Get over it," the doctors would sneer, and I would be shocked and invigorated.
"Can we turn around?" I told Will.
He didn't try to change my mind. He is being very gently and careful at the moment. The adoption applications have disappeared from the dining room table. He's put them away. Temporarily. I can see the idea still shining in his eyes. He has hope. Which is exactly the problem. I can't afford any more hope.
I called him after I got the blood test results and when I went to speak I found no words came out of my mouth, and when he didn't say anything, I knew he was trying not to cry. You can tell when he's trying not to cry. Like he's fighting off something invisible trying to take over his head.
"We'll be okay," he finally said
No we won't, I thought. "Yes," I said.
I almost told him the truth.
Actually, no I didn't. Not even close.
After the doctor show, I watched another show, and two more. It's possible my mental health is poor at the moment.
•••
Rose decided that since she hadn't talked to Daniella since the other day, it was time to give her a call. She asked Daniella to go for lunch with her. To Rose's surprise, Daniella said yes. Jack was also incredibly happy that Daniella had allowed Rose back into her life. And they both hoped it would get better, for both Daniella and Will.
Finally, it was time for their lunch. Rose had high expectations, even though Jack had advised her not to. They met, they made mindless chatter, and they separated. Rose wanted to ask questions about her life and such, but decided that the fact that Daniella was seeing her now was enough. But Daniella had told Rose that Will was talking to her again, and that he was being kinder to her.
•••
Rose got home and sat down with Jack, and the children were asleep. "Something weird happened today," said Rose.
"What happened?" Jack asked.
"I dropped something today," said Rose, "and I said, 'Oh my dosh'. And it just sounded so familiar. Oh my dosh."
"Myles used to say it when he was little," said Jack. He smiled. "We all said it for a while. Oh my dosh. I'd forgotten that. Oh my dosh."
"I also had a really weird dream last night, and it involved sandstone lions?" Rose asked.
Jack laughed. "George and Mildred," said Jack, which was greeted by a strange look. "They were given to us as a housewarming gift. We both hated them and loved them so much. I'm not really sure what happened to them, though."
"It's weird that these little things are coming back to me, isn't it?" Rose asked.
"Hey, it's a good thing," said Jack, kissing the tip of her nose. "Your memory is coming back. It's great news. I hate to see you struggling with your memories like this."
"I guess so."
•••
A couple of days had passed. Daniella returned home and wrote in her diary:
I had to give another seminar today, but this time for a bunch of butchers. I was standing in front of the crowd.
Then I saw someone sitting in the audience with a very un-butcherlike appearance.
It was Rose. She looks different these days.. Less makeup, I think. Her hair is the messier curly hair it used to be. She's wearing the same clothes but in a different way, and she's pulled out old things I haven't seen in years. Today she was wearing a long skirt, a cream shirt pulled in at the waist with a belt, and a glittery scarf that I recognized from Olivia's dress box. She looked lovely, and for once I didn't resent her for having the time and money to always keep her body in such perfect shape and for not having to stick needles in her stomach every night. When I saw her, she smiled and waved and held a palm in front of her face meaning, pretend I'm not here.
For some reason, the sight of her made me strangely emotional. My voice quivered as I went to answer a question.
She came up to me in the morning tea break and asked, "Why did you just stay home last night?"
And I really did nearly tell her the truth. It was dancing away on the tip of my tongue, ready to jump off. Except that it didn't answer her question, and, anyway, I knew she would react exactly the wrong way.
Which isn't her fault. Anyone would.
But seeing her reaction would push me right over the abyss into crazy-land, and I'm only just managing to stay on the right side of sanity.
I guess I could tell her the next time I saw her.
But no. I'm not saying it out loud. I'm just going to… wait it out, I guess.
Pretend it's not happening and wait for the inevitable, and not let it touch me.
A/N: I know it's very Daniella-heavy right now, but I hope you're enjoying anyway!