Author's note: For every step forward in recovery there will be set backs and Bucky is far from stable.
Stark was on his back under a custom-built engine he was working on when Jarvis announced that Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rodgers had arrived. He rolled out from under the machine and saw Steve standing on the other side of his lab-garage-workspace holding hands with the former Winter Soldier who was looking around wide eyed at the various half constructed projects.
"Well, Hello boys!... Welcome to my happy place!" Tony beamed and then walked toward them and clapped his hands together. He paused momentarily when he saw Bucky flinch at the sound and move closer to Steve, dropping his eyes down to the floor. Steve looked over at his friend with a small sigh then back up to Stark who cocked an eyebrow.
"Been a rough morning?... Kinda thought the blue berry pancakes were gonna make things a bit less stressful." Tony asked as he glanced from Steve to Bucky who remained silent but with slightly elevated breathing through his noise jaw locked. Steve watched Bucky then looked back at Tony with a shrug.
"It's been a little draining for him,… His memories from before Hydra are coming back faster than before and that's good,…But I think it's just a lot for him to deal with right now. " Steve answered and Bucky nodded in agreement, glancing for a moment toward Stark then away again, hand squeezing Steve's as he swallowed.
"Mmmmkkk… Well we don't have to do the arm thing right now if you don't want to Barns." Tony offered and instantly Bucky's head shot up and he shook his head frantically taking a few steps forward quickly. Stark jumped back and Steve placed his free hand in the center of Bucky's chest to stop him from advancing forward.
"NO!... No please,… Mr. Stark,… Sir,...please,…I need to have another arm,… I need to be mission ready!" Bucky blurted with a pleading tone, eyes wide and full of fear, hunted by the fragments of the nightmare Steve had woken him from less than an hour ago.
"Bucky,…Hey,… you don't have to be mission ready Pal,…" Steve tried to remind him but Bucky shook his head again.
"Captain, Hydra will come for us,… I cannot provide sufficient defensive cover without a prosthetic limb Sir… My combat skills have been compromised!" Bucky insisted as he looked back at Stark. "Sir I am ready to comply with mantaince.
His voice was sure and strong like Bucky of old but the words spoken were from the Winter Soilder. Steve turned his body to face Bucky fully and brought their held hands up to his mouth with a gentle kiss on his friend's knuckles.
"Bucky, Is this because of the nightmare you just had?... Is that why you woke up asking for your arm?" Steve asked gently and Bucky let out a shuddered sigh and nodded.
"It was a memory I think,… but then it became a nightmare… I only had one arm and,… they made me watch,… they put you in the chair Steve. " Bucky whispered, eyes large and desperate. Steve nodded in understanding and ran his free hand through Bucky's hair, his other hand still held tightly in his friend's grip.
"Okay Bucky,… But try to remember that we are safe here,… there is no chair,… There is no Hydra,… only us,… You, me and the other Avengers... Our teammates will help keep us safe." Steve spoke with calm authority and Bucky looked from him over to Stark with an uncertain glance before reluctantly nodding and dropping his eyes back to the floor.
"I still want to see the arm Steve." Bucky's voice was mumbled, and his lips pouted as if he had been chastised.
"Of course Buck,… it's your choice,… remember?" Steve asked softly, before stepping forward to embrace his friend and whisper in his ear. "I'm right here with you Buck,… we got this Pal." Steve kissed his forehead and pulled away, waiting for Bucky's nod of conformation.
Stark watched the exchange with interest, keeping his mouth shut as he recognized how difficult it had to be for both Steve and Bucky to navigate his fluctuating mood swings and mental states while becoming reacquainted with his own humanity and their obvious devotion and love for each other. He was considering this, looking over at a picture of Pepper on his desk when he heard Steve clear his throat. Upon looking up he recognized that Steve was watching him with concern and Bucky with suspicion from Behind the Captain's shoulder.
"Okay,… Lets get to it shall we gentlemen." Stark abruptly stood up and snapping his fingers and slapping his hands again as he turned away, taking a deep breath as he walked over to the far side of the room that looked more like a medical lab then the a mechanic shop. There was a long black case on a white table with nothing else on it unlike the cluttered surfaces of the tables on the other side. Steve walked up behind Tony with Bucky holding his hand tight, forcing his breaths to remain even and calm. Steve could feel how anxious Bucky was and could also tell that his friend was trying to tap into the Winter Soldier's complacent calm. The Captain came to a stop a few feet away and looked back at Bucky who had both Icy blue eyes locked on the case as if it was a bomb.
"You ready Buck?" Steve whispered and he received a jerky nod immediately from the silent figure squeezing his hand hard enough to bruise the bones. Steve turned back forward and gave his own nod. Tony blew out a dramatic breath as he reached for the locks on the case.
"Jarvis have Mock 32 on standby please and thank you." Tony muttered and received a cocked eyebrow from Steve. "Just in case Capsical!" Tony huffed and then opened the case that emanated a glowing blue light and a high pitched beeping. Instantly Steve was yanked backwards as Bucky used his body to Shield him from the light and whatever else might be coming from the case.
"It's okay guys,…." Stark put up one hand to placate the intense Winter Soldier glare that was menacing at the least bordering on lethal. "It's just a security measure taken by the Wakandans. A sequence of codes only activated when the case is opened and set to self-destruct within 25 seconds if not entered in a timely manner." Stark spoke as he hastily punched the codes into a device connected to the metal arm. The beeping stopped and the glowing blue light dimed.
Bucky took a few cautious steps forward, guard up as he scanned the metal prosthetic with a scrutinizing look. Steve was right behind him, watching both Bucky's reaction as well as Stark's as the mechanic took several steps back when Bucky got closer, hands on his hips, equally focused on the former Winter Soldier and his reaction to the High-Tec prosthetic. Bucky froze as he watched the blue light dim before spreading through the plates of the arm, each level fluctuating and realigning before clicking into place. He jumped back when the light ran through the elbow joint and the arm flexed before spreading to the wrist and fingers that all moved of their own accord.
"Yea,… that is pretty freaky looking." Tony agreed as he nodded from the other side of the table having come around to get a better look. Bucky was breathing hard, heart racing and Steve stepped up next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders in support.
"Stark,… What is it doing?" The Captain demanded as Tony hovered over the moving prosthetic, marveling at the flexibility of each individual joint.
"Wow,… I had heard about her work and I read over the plans of design but Man!... To see it in the flesh or… rather the vibranium,….it is definitely something!" Tony was impressed and the excitement carried in his voice. Bucky looked at the Technician and his stomach cramped. He knew from experience that when the lab coats got excited, he was in for something horrible. His hearing was fading in and out, the sound of his heart beating louder in his ears as he watched the living metal twist and contort, flexing in unnatural ways and blinking robotically.
"Stark!...What are you talking about?... Who made this arm?" Steve's tone was serious, and his protective grip tightened around Bucky who had grown completely ridged, body tensed.
"The kid sister of his majesty the King of Wakanda. I believe the Princess's name is Suri and up till now she has been a genius on the down low much like the rest of her mineral rich country… I had thought The Wakandans were just making a gesture of good faith when they agreed to donate some vibrainum for the initial design,… But,… apparently her highness has a soft spot for prisoners of war and amputees,… so she offered to build the thing herself and sent me the blue prints so I could up grade and customize it as needed… Pretty freakin' sweet right Bucko?" Tony exclaimed as he turned his attention back to Bucky who was starting to take steps back, prying himself away from Steve's tightened grip as he kept his eyes locked on the prosthetic limb.
"Bucky,… hey…" Steve spoke low and calm reaching for his friend who jerked away as he began shaking his head as he continued to step backwards.
"No." He whispered, his voice coming out as harsh breath.
"Buck,… look at me,…" Steve moved to stand Infront of his friend, arms stretched out as behind him Stark turned the case around so the moving arm was no longer visible.
"No,… Please,…I don't want it,…I don't…. please…" Bucky was shaking and as he stepped back further he crashed back into another work bench, knocking into some of the computers that instantly projected a three dimensional life size model of himself and next to it a version with only muscles and no skin and then a Skelton. A female voice began to explain the process of attaching the arm and Bucky jerked away before screaming in a sudden rage and shoving the entire bench toward Steve who was closing in. The Captain braced for the impact last second but was thrown back and pined between the heavy desk and the other table where Stark had ducked under just in time as several heavy pieces of tech and computers became projectiles that rained down around him.
The Sergeant ran from the room in sheer panic, desperate to escape as behind him he could here men yelling. Steve called out to him before wincing, his newly healed ribs from the other night breaking again and adding a few more. He grunted as he pushed the heavy bench back and ducked down to check on Tony who returned a shocked look before nodding that he was alright. Steve nodded back and was up running despite the pain.
"Jarvis lock down this floor and inform the other Avengers." Steve barked as he raced down the corridor.
Captain Rodgers, Sergeant Barnes is already in the stair well and is jumping from the banisters in quick succession, he will be at ground level within 6 minutes if he continues at his current pace.
Steve busted through the doors of the emergency stair well and looked down at the quickly vanishing figure of his one armed friend leaping back and forth already ten floors down. Steve grit his teeth and jumped, falling several floors before he grabbed on to a banister and cried out in pain as the force dislocated his shoulder. The sound of his cry and his body slamming against the cement caught Bucky's attention and as he looked up he saw a man hanging from the railing two stories up. Bucky blinked rapidly and he suddenly recognized Steve, all other thoughts of fear and escaping instantly vanishing as he swung himself over the balcony and ran up the steps two at a time before he reached the floor where Steve's body hung down. Without a moment's hesitation Bucky reached out for Steve taking his other hand and pulled him up and over the railing, both men falling onto the ground as Bucky hastily checked Steve for injuries, tears welling up in his eyes as he repeated over and over again.
"I won't let you fall, I can't let you fall, your my mission, You can't die, you can't!" Bucky was still hyperventilating as he lifted Steve's shirt and saw the discoloration begin over the broken ribs and then quickly moved to Steve's shoulder that he snapped back into place inspiring a hiss of pain from Steve.
"I'm sorry, m'sorry,m'sorry, m'sorry…" Bucky chanted as he moved to cradle Steve's head, tears tracking down his face as he looked at Steve with absolute fear and desperation.
"Bucky,…" Steve reached up to hold his check.
"Steve we got to go,…. We got to get out of here,… there tryin' to turn me into some kind of killer robot for Hydra." Bucky looked around and up as the door above them opened and a man and woman appeared, each armed with a dart gun.
"NO!" Bucky shouted and covered Steve with his body as Hawkeye and the Black widow each landed a tranquilizer dart on either side of neck. Bucky hastily pulled them out and looked at the darts before his vision began to swim. He looked down at Steve with a broken sob shaking his head.
"Don't let them make me a robot Stevie,… Don't let Hydra get me again….Pleassssseee." His last word was a slurred whimper before he fell unconscious on top of his Steve, who shifted to sit up and cradle the man he loved with a raged sighed through the cracked ribs.
"Are you injured?" Hawkeye asked as he landed on the railing from above, Natasha right behind him. Steve let out another sigh and shook his head.
"M'fine,…ribs and shoulder,… They'll heal." Steve sighed again wiping Bucky's hair from his face before looking up at his teammates with a defeated expression. Natasha knelt down and put a hand on Steve's shoulder as the door behind them opened with Banner and Sam alert and ready. They stopped and looked down at the others, their own postures relaxing.
"This is my fault." Steve said simply, looking directly at Sam and then back down at Bucky.
"Steve….. don't do that to your self man!" Sam sighed before Stark appeared in an Ironman suite from 14 floors up, descending down to their level.
"Oh hey gang,… Party in the stairwell?" His face mask opened as he landed next to Bruce and looked down at the one arm man who just destroyed some of his lab equipment.
"Geezz,… This is why I had to start my own insurance company!" Tony gestured toward the unconscious super soldier, then looked up at the others. "Okay,… it was Pepper's idea,… After the whole invasion of New York thing… But ya know,… So anyhoo,… lets get the Winter wrecking ball back to his secured floor and then debrief over finger sandwiches and pims cups in the common room on the 75th floor,… I missed lunch!" With that his helmet closed and he took off. The others exchanged looks and Steve stared down at Bucky with another long sigh.
"I'm sorry Bucky,… I'm so sorry pal." Steve whispered, knowing that he was to blame for overwhelming Bucky and pushing him too far too fast. He knew he would have to tell them all, had to explain so they wouldn't think it was just Bucky acting out violently. He had to make them understand before it was reported to SHEILD.
…
Gathered upstairs the Avengers all sat in silence, exchanging glances to one another after they watched the security footage of Bucky lashing out in the lab and throwing the work bench at Steve and Tony before running. Sam was the first one to speak his tone irritated and accusatory.
"Stark what the hell were you thinking?... Why would you show him the arm like that?... Hell I would have freaked out if you showed me that thing!" Sam huffed.
"Well Mr. Wilson I didn't know it was going to move around like that,… I was just instructed to only open the case when Barnes was ready for the procedure because it has an organic energy compound that activates the inner mechanisms mimicking the nervous system so it can bond with his own cellular tissues and neural connections to mimic his genetic make. That badass piece of mechanical art will actually respond just as if it had grown from Barnes's own body biologically. The organic energy matter is some kind of botanical derivative and only has a regenerative life span of 12 hours from initial activation." Stark explained as he placed olives in his martini.
"Did you tell them that before you opened the case Tony?" Banner asked with an exacerbated tone.
"Ugh,…. No, because Terminator was already on edge and was very insistent that he needed a new arm right away in order to protect Spangles from Hydra….And I am not the one who gave him medical clearance to come rampaging through my Happy place Banner…Plus you know I am not good with explaining technology to the old folks, that's why Friday created that nifty instructional video so the Sargeant would know and understand the arm before we attached it." Stark spoke defensively with his arms crossed.
"Well then why didn't you show him the video first before activating the arm?" Natasha questioned and Tony rolled his eyes.
"Ya know,… these are all just great suggestions after the fact,… but the point is that man is mentally unstable and a risk to himself and the rest of us!... Why should we even be giving him another advanced prosthetic,….. That metal arm is like giving a grenade launcher to a schizophrenic!" Stark spat in frustration. The room got louder as they began to argue but Steve remained quietly sitting in a chair with his arms crossed and eyes on the silent replay of Bucky backing away and saying no. After a moment he stood up and walked over to the window as he shook his head. The others took note and directed their attention as Steve sighed again.
"It wasn't Stark's fault,... Or Bucky's… it was mine." Steve swallowed and looked down as he pressed his forehead against the pain of glass.
"Steve,… common we have talked about this guilt you have been carrying around man…. It doesn't help Bucky and it sure as hell doesn't do anything good for your mental health either." Sam challenged as he walked toward the Captain who turned around as he rubbed his eyes before leaning back against the glass, again crossing his arms as he made eye contact with the others before looking directly at Sam.
"I messed up,… I pushed him too far too fast,… he was feeling overwhelmed by new memories. He wasn't in the right head space,… I should have told him to wait." Steve shook his head and swallowed.
"Steve,… you can't control how his mind repairs itself or what memories come back and when." Natasha stated with a gentle tone.
"No,… But if he was still functioning as the Winter Soldier instead of trying to break through the programing then he would have been calm and accepted mantaince." Steve spoke the words with contempt.
"Well we don't know that for sure Cap. He might have been locked in the programing and unable to see you as an ally when he was trying to escape. He could have turned violent anyway and been a lot harder to take down." Clint offered and Steve swallowed before he looked up.
"The Winter Soldier is not violent unless he has orders or a mission to follow… And Bucky isn't violent unless he's scared… If he feels out of control,… then he feels scared,… I triggered him this morning and he told me he was struggling... He was so exhausted, I told him to sleep for a bit and he had a nightmare. He felt like he needed the arm immediately because he didn't feel safe,… and because he was beginning to remember us,... What,… what we were to each other." Steve's voice was strained with guilt and self hatred.
"Steve what do you mean you triggered him?" Sam asked with a cautious tone and Steve hung his head before he looked up and nodded.
"I kiss him,… in the shower this morning,… and he broke down,… It was too much for him." Steve explained and his confession sent silent shock through the room.
"You kissed him,… like,… On the lips?... And in the shower Steve?... Why the hell where you taking a shower with him in the first place!" Sam asked as his shock wore off and his clinical judgment took over.
"This past week,… he's been clinging to me,… and he wanted me to be in there,…. It's hard with one arm to reach everywhere and…. And to wash his hair." Steve's reasoning sounded lame to himself as Sam began pacing and Banner just dropped into a seat in stunned silence.
"STEVE,…. Man, you know he can't give informed consent yet. He doesn't even understand how to refuse anything you do to him or ask him for." Sam was bewildered and disappointed in Steve and the Captain's shoulders slumped further.
"I didn't ask him to do anything,…I just,… I didn't want to say no when he needed me with him…I… I wasn't trying to,… he wanted…"Steve tried to explain but the words died on his tongue as he shook his head again.
"Steve it doesn't matter if he got naked and jumped on your lap man,… he is not making choices as Bucky Barnes,… he is still trying to get some sense of self autonomy and instead he has grown even more dependent on you!" Sam spoke with frustration as he glared at Steve. "Man, this is why I said it wasn't a good idea to let him sleep in your bed Steve!" The Captain nodded as he turned away and ran his hands through his hair.
"I know,… God I know,…I just,… I didn't mean for it to happen Sam I swear,… he said,… He wanted it,… he wants to be Bucky again,… And he remembered us….." Steve turned back toward them with a shattered expression. "I've missed him so much,… and he,… he promised he would tell me to stop if anything happened…." Steve cut himself off and looked away again when Sam gave him a poignant look.
"Oh he said he would tell you to stop,… well what if he has a flash back and forgets where he is or who you are,…. What if he gets trapped in the programming and is forced to comply, forced to obey his handler!" Sam's voice was cutting and Steve pressed his forehead to the glass as he squeezed his eyes shut, sickened by the very thought that Bucky would let Steve do whatever he liked even if it hurt him. Rumlow's taunting jeers replayed in his head and he growled in frustration.
"Damit I am trying to help him Sam,… I didn't mean for it to happen,… God I make the same mistakes over and over!" Steve groaned as he thought about the time when they were young men just out of Highschool and he took things too far with Bucky then, almost loosing his best friend all those years ago. He should have put a stop to it, he should have refused to expose himself and he should have never allowed the shower routine to involve him at all.
"Steve,… You are helping him." Natasha spoke gently as she came to stand behind him. "But if you don't take a step back and let him figure things out for himself,… then you will never know what he actually remembers,… or how he really feels about you now. "Natasha offered and Steve turned back with a heavy sigh and nod. The Captain looked up at her with wet eyes then over to Sam who gave him a shrug then walked over and slapped him on the back.
"Common Man,…. We can't go back and change anything now,… but we need to figure out how to help him understand the importance of getting the arm attached sooner then later,… while also trying to encourage self-agency." Sam shook his head and looked up at the others. "I am open for suggestions team."
End notes: So Just to be clear, I don't think Steve did anything wrong. Nothing about this is simple or black and white. Sam, as a mental health professional is always going to focus on Bucky's mental and emotional stability and that is how he views if the POW is ready for sexual intimacy. Steve is trying to be supportive and follow Bucky's lead, but Bucky is so confused himself right now that he is not the best judge of what he wants or needs and possible problems with consent and self-agency. The other Avengers are going to be supportive but also still see the recovering man as the Winter Soldier not as Bucky, they have not seen him break through the same way Steve has.