Loving You Forever Is What I Need Chapter Sixteen
"Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."― J.K. Rowling
Hotch poured himself a cup of coffee from the break room at the Interpol Office; he really didn't need anymore caffeine, but he did need something to distract himself. He had been waiting for Emily for the past few hours, she was supposed to meet him there around eight that morning but she wasn't there yet and it was past ten now. Logically Hotch knew, that she was a very busy person, after all she was the "Head of the Interpol Office." She probably had a thousand things to do each day, specially after Scratch's capture. There were meetings she had to attend, and papers she had to review and sign, and government officials she needed to debrief. But he was still worried, the team had only flown back to D.C a few nights before; the only reason why he had to stay was because he wasn't cleared by the Government of London after shooting Peter Lewis. Not that he was worried about that, he was doing his job, he had to do whatever he had to do, to protect and serve, protect mostly Emily from Scratch. He knew it was just procedure, and he was used to it by now, after all he was also a Unit Chief, so he knew exactly how politics worked.
But that wasn't what was in his mind right now, yes getting back to Emily! Seriously where the hell was Emily? he was worried about her something was really going on with her. Of course something was going on with her, she had just been held captive by a sociopath not even a week ago, God only knew what Scratch had done to her; and he knew more than anyone the amount of trauma that brought on someone. Logically he knew that, but there was something else going on with her, he just knew it. Just the afternoon before the team left, they went out to dinner. There wasn't a lot of time for them to really spend some quality time together, but they still agreed to dinner, after all they had just taken down one of the most dangerous criminals together, they had to celebrate.
Emily took them to Liman Restaurant, probably the best restaurant in London, the last time the team gathered together was about two years ago, right after Emily left. Hotch really enjoyed the team going out together again, it was an amazing night, just like any family gathering in the past. There was Derek making silly jokes and teasing Reid about his profound knowledge of well, pretty much anything, and Garcia ordering shots for everyone and making them toast every ten minutes or so, then there was Dave's tales about his younger years and the many European women he dated, even Alina talked to them about her childhood and how she and Emily came to be friends. There was laugher and tears of joy, and some sour moments when they went over Scratch's capture again, and the many cases they closed together. It was just perfect, only Emily wasn't there, well she was physically there, but she wasn't there, the light in her eyes was gone, her mind was somewhere else, she even missed Spencer's Quantum Physics Joke, which she usually really enjoyed even if it was the 400th time she heard it.
Of course Hotch knew that trauma didn't manifest the same way in people, and naturally he didn't expect Emily to be immune or act like nothing happened; but he also knew she was hiding something. Dave made an attempt to talk to her a few times, she changed the subject and pretended to be very interested in the tread hanging loose from her sweater; when Hotch himself try to talk to her she snapped at him saying she had to do a report and they didn't have time for nonsense. Hell even Clyde tried to talk to her, but given their history and past together, that ended up even worse. Now he was here, pouring himself a cup of shitty coffee and wondering whether she was okay or not. He had already overheard Alana living her a voice mail regarding some important document she was supposed to give the London Major. That gave him the idea that even Alana had no idea where she was or what was going on. Of course it had only been a few days and he didn't really expect her to be a 100% okay, but he did know her better than anyone, he was a profiler after all, he had known her for almost a decade, and he had been in love with her for eight years. He probably knew her better than she knew herself, and he was truly worried.
Just as he walked out of the break room drinking the nasty coffee, he saw Emily rushing towards her office, her curly hair flying around as she made her way to her through the busy bullpen. She looked tired, her cheeks were flushed pink probably from the cold and from ruining through the parking lot, and the cup of ice coffee she was holding was almost empty. As he made his way to her office he saw her exchange a few words with Alana, he couldn't hear what they were talking about, but he knew her defensive posture and the infamous "I am not in the mood for this shit" look, after all the woman had been his once, he had been, in more than one occasion, on the receiving end of her wrath.
"Can you not do this right now please?" he heard her say, her eyes were dangerously looking at her friend and Hotch knew she was clearly pissed about whatever the European woman had said to her.
"Fine Emily! Whatever you say "Alina said storming out of the office angrily, whatever had happened was pretty bad as the blond woman didn't even see him standing outside of the office.
"Hey" he said walking in and looking at her closely
"Hotch" she said surprised, apparently she had not seen him when she walked in "I wasn't expecting you in today, your statement is not until tomorrow"
"Yeah, I know, I just wanted to stop by and check if you needed anything else for my original report for the case?" he asked, Emily just gave him a look. He knew, that she knew he was lying but right now he didn't really care about that.
"Uhm no, we already been over that twice" she emphasized annoyed, she truly didn't know why was she angry, she just wasn't in the mood for anyone not even him.
"I know, but Clyde call me this morning and he wanted you to review my statement before I meet with the board tomorrow" he said, it wasn't a lie, Clyde did wanted Emily to review his stamen, but they also knew very well anyone knew how to write a statement for a case properly it was Hotch.
"Right, I have a meeting right now, can we go over it in a few hours?" she asked barely making eye contact with him and gathering some files. Emily knew deep inside Hotch was just using that as en excuse to get her to talk so she was trying to prolong this as long as she could.
"Of course" he agreed softly " I can head back to the hotel since I have a few calls to make and then I can come back meet you here?"
"Or you can just use make the calls from my office and wait for me here?" she suggested not seeing the point of him going back to his hotel.
"Sure" he agreed, maybe he could talk her into having lunch with him and attempt to talk to her one more time.
"Alright" she awkwardly smiled "I'll see you in bit" then she headed out closing the door behind her. He watched her walk away trough the glass walls, if Hotch didn't knew any better she was barely keeping it together.
He sighed and reached for his briefcase, sinking into her chair, the sweet smell of her perfume still lingering in the air. After about one hour of continued phone calls, to Cruz, Dave, Beth, the Director of the FBI, Clyde, Beth again and his kids, he finally leaned back against the chair, running a hand over his forehead, he was truly exhausted, and he wasn't sure how much longer he will be held up in London, not that he was complaining, it gave him more time with Emily. His eyes glanced around the busy corridors briefly, and then, they wandered back around her office. In so many ways it reminded him of his office, painstakingly organized and neat, with the wooden bookcases against one wall. Her awards and diplomas were displayed on the wall in front of him, a leather couch, her glass desk, and another smaller bookcase behind him. There were a few pictures resting in the bookshelf; one of the team right before she left to London, another one with Garcia and JJ in what probably was a girl's night, a picture of an elderly gentleman, who Hotch recognized as her grandfather, and a few other of Sergio and the team.
He then glanced at her desk, where two computer screens rested, along with her purse, that she had haphazardly thrown at the top of her desk, a pencil holder, the phone he had been making calls on, a coffee cup, a glass award she shad received from Interpol an another picture frame. This particular one caught his attention, it was a picture of Jack and her, siting at the couch on Christmas day. He remembered the image because he had taken the picture, Jack was about seven years old, and they had spent Christmas at her apartment, Emily and Jack were sitting in the couch wearing red pajamas and wearing big smiles and holding presents. He ran his thumb over their happy faces gingerly, that was was when he was the happiest in his life, he wished he could go back in time and make everything right with her, after all she was the love of his life. He sighed again feeling nostalgic and placing down the picture on the desk, accidentally knocking down her purse in the process. Dammi!, he cussed under his breath as all the contents of her purse scattered into the floor. He leaned down to gather the items carefully, and placing everything back inside her purse. Along the many items was her Interpol credentials, her two cellphones her personal and work one, lipstick, a compact mirror, a few tampons, a condom, (for some reason that made him angry) her wallet, a granola bar, a pack of gum, perfume, a pack of tissues, a small make up bag, several loose European coins, and small plastic bag with to glass bottles inside.
At first he just thought they were vitamins or something but then he looked closer, they look like a prescription, but it was on Russian or something, and it really didn't look like a doctor prescribed medication, it looked more like something you could get on black market. He frowned not understanding why Emily would have that in her purse Дилаудид 10 мг, the little amber bottles read. He wasn't sure what it was, but it made him feel uneasy, he glanced around the bullpen again. Then he reached for his phone and started googling and searching for a translation of the weird vernacular. When he saw the word Dilauid pop on his cellphone screen, his heart stopped, and he almost drop the items again, this could not be happening. He knew exactly what this was, after all one of his agents had been truly addicted to this particular drug a few years back. Then it downed him, Reid had only become addicted to it after he was held captive by Tobias Hankle almost a decade ago, the younger profiler only stated that he had become addicted because he needed a way to forget what happened to him, and because it put him in a state of sedation where he was encountered with his childhood memories, including his mother. He also knew that Emily was well aware of what Dilaudid was and what it did to Reid, she had been one of the very first people to notice something was going on with him, and she was there for him the whole time, she knew perfectly well what a drug like that could do to someone, but she was also in extreme emotional pain and she truly didn't have anyone here in London, well he was here now, but he didn't live there and well the team was now gone. He knew Alina was her friend but she will never be as close as JJ and Emily were, and even if they actually were, Hotch was not truly sure Emily will actually open to anyone about what Scratch had done to her, which only meant that if she was that desperate to knock the pain away, something truly bad had happened to her while she was captive. This wasn't good at all; this was worse than he had thought. How long had this been going on, and had she used this before? How many times had she been taking them and how serious was it since she had gone to nefarious means to get them, this could not be happening not his sweet and kind Emily.
He wasn't sure how long he stood there in her office staring out the window, the rainy city of London right in front of him. He was lost in thought, wondering when had Emily started feeling so alone, and desperate, feeling guilty and thinking he had caused part of that pain to her. He was pulled back from his thoughts when Emily walked back into her office, barely paying attention to what he was doing.
"I am so sorry Hotch" she apologized "These meetings can go on forever" but he wasn't paying attention to her at all he was still gazing out the window.
"Hotch" she called again and frowning when he didn't look back "Aaron?" she said louder
He turned around facing her and walking towards the door closing her door and drawing her blinds closed.
"Aaron what are you doing?" she asked looking at him confused
"We need to talk" that was all he said but she didn't like his tone at all
"Talk about what? We have nothing to talk about" she said annoyed
"Why don't you start by telling me what this is?" he asked opening his hand in front of her and revealing the medication. Her mouth dropped and she turned a shade or two more pale, she stared at him angrily the pale color of her skin quickly substituted by a shade color from furry.
"What in the hell do you think you are doing? Rummaging trough my things? She asked furiously
"I wasn't rummaging! Your purse felt into the ground" he defended, she rolled her eyes not believing a word he was saying, she was livid. How dare he to be going trough her things, who the hell did he think he was.
"What the hell is this Emily?" he asked in that tone that could make Emily run in the opposite directions
"I think you should leave" she said walking past him and opening her office door glaring at him, but Hotch had known her too long, he wasn't intimidated by her at least not now. He pushed the door closed again his eyes piercing into her with one of does killer "Hotch glares" making her take a step back, but unable to say a single word.
"You can tell me what this is, or we can call Clyde and have a conversation with him about this" he pointed exasperated, he will never rat out out Emily but he needed to say something that will make her talk to him.
She walked towards the window holding her arms over her chest protectively and looking away from him in a very defensive position as if she was almost shielding herself from him entirely.
"You have no idea..." she said, her voice breaking and her eyes filling with angry tears. He watched her for a second his heart breaking in half and he approached her softly.
"Emily..." he said reaching out to touch her but she jumped recoiling from his touch.
"Please don't... don't touch me" she finished unable to stop the tears from spilling from her eyes
"Emily..." he said confused looking at her, it pained him so much to see her in such distress
"Emily did he" he could not even form the words, his mind clouding as he tried to make sense of what was imagining
"Did he touched you...?" he asked unable to finish the sentence, they both they exactly what he was asking.
"Not like that...he didn't" she said wiping her eyes quickly and still avoiding to look at him "I wish he had" she said bitterly.
"It would have been better if he had" and it was true. Scratch had not touch her, at least not sexually, no he had done worst, he had violated her in every other sense of the word, he had violated her memories and her soul, he had make her commit the most atrocious acts that she never thought she was capable of. Somehow that was worst, it he had sexually assault her she will have survived knowing that he was a monster, but with this, with this he had shown her she was the monster.
"Don't say that" Hotch said looking at her "You have no idea what you are talking about" he wanted to reach out for her, to hold her in his arms and reassure her that everything was going to be okay, but he knew that she will probably slap him if he did.
"How long have you been doing this?" He asked genuinely concerned, he held the two bottles in front of her, he didn't know what else to ask but he needed to start somewhere.
"I haven't since you asked" she said reproachfully wiping her eyes angrily and walking away from him, she could not even look him in the eye
"Then why do you have them?" he asked in a defeated tone
"I haven't use them okay? If that is what you want to know, I am not some twisted mental patient" she said shaking her head looking at him angrily and maybe even ashamed
"Emily this isn't..." he said shaking his head unsure what to do next or where to even start "You need to tell me what happened there..." he begged
"I need you to leave" she said firmly holding the tears at bay, she was so done talking about this particular subject
"Emily..."
"Dammit Aaron just leave!" She shouted at him Hotch could see trough the cracks of the blinds that people around the office were looking at them. This really wasn't the time or the place, but that didn't mean he was going to just drop the subject.
"I am not going to let this go...if you don't tell me..."
"Then what Aaron? What are you going to do?" she threatened "Do whatever you have to do, talk to the Director or the major, hell have me arrested if you wish, I don't give a damn just leave me alone" she said in a tone Hotch had never heard, she rushed past him grabbing her purse and walking out of the office leaving him there just looking at her in shock.
"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."― Laurell K. Hamilton