I'm back! I apologize for the lack of uploads recently, with thanksgiving and finals week taking up my time and sanity, there was no way for me to write a new chapter. But now that finals are over and I've successfully cried myself to sleep on more then one occasion, we can finally get back on track. From here on out it's a non-stop ride to the end of this story. So for everyone that's still around, I hope you enjoy the chapter, peace.

Chapter Eighteen

"Lies,

every time they ask me, I just tell em that I'm fine

Try to hide my demons but they only multiply

Keep me runnin from the voices on repeat inside my mind

(Everybody fucking hates you)"

April 13, 2019

Numb. I sit in my darkened room, my eyelids are heavy, mind is muddled, every part of me feels numb. Sayori's words haunt me still, why wouldn't they? She spoke nothing but the truth, a truth that I've been denying for so long now. My eyes begin to close on their own. Shaking my head furiously I grab another energy drink from the mini fridge next to my bed. The silence of the room is broken by the sound of pressurized air escaping the can. With a trembling hand I down half of the caffeinated drink and blink my eyes rapidly. It's been two days and I haven't slept one bit since that night. Afraid of what I would see when I close my eyes. I let out a sigh of defeat. It doesn't matter now, I glance towards the chair by my desk, and see Sayori sitting in it. She remains silent, staring at me, or rather through me. Her eyes drift under my bed, she gives me a knowing glance. Malice, anger, resentment, none of these feelings flash across her face, she simply gives me a look of understanding. She knows, hell she probably knew when she was still alive. It makes a lot of sense, for almost two years we barely even breathed a word to one another, then all of a sudden she inserts herself back into my life, on that day of all days. I let out a humorless laugh. Maybe it was just a coincidence, maybe it was fate. I'll never know the truth, not that it would do much good now anyway.

"Fix it." Sayori breaks the silence. Her lifeless eyes locking me in their haunting trance.

I let out a bitter laugh. "I must be insane." I say in a dry tone.

"You're anything but insane, but in the end that doesn't matter, you know what the problem is, you have the solution, so fix it."

I rub my face with trembling hands. "I know." I say in a whisper. I stand up and get down onto my knees, reaching under my bed I pull out a box. A thin layer of dust is layered on the top, accumulating over the months it spent under there, out of sight, out of mind, but never truly forgotten. Just holding the box sends a wave of anxiety through my body, my heart is racing, thoughts are muddled together. The box has a slight weight to it, a cruel reminder of the contents hidden inside. With a shaky breath, I push the box back under the bed and stand up. "No, not now at least." I say with determination.

Sayori tilts her head in confusion. "If not now, then when? You're only delaying the inevitable, making it harder on yourself."

I swallow the lump that formed in my throat. "There's something I need to do first, you'll get what you want, don't you worry about that."

Sayori gives me a sympathetic look. "I never wanted this, any of this. I'm only doing what is best for you and my friends."

I grit my teeth and close my eyes in annoyance. "You've been torturing me for months, don't lie to me now, we both know this is what you wanted." I open my eyes to confront her but find the chair empty. The only reminder of her presence is the chill that is still going down my spine. Was I even awake? Was I dreaming all of that? It's hard to tell, I've never been so exhausted in my entire life. The bright light of a new day slowly begins to banish the shadows in my room. I check the time and begin to gather my uniform for the day. It's wrinkled, dirty, and yet I still begin to throw it on anyway. Haphazardly fixing the tie, not even bothering to check if it's on straight or not. My eyes linger to my bed once again. The box hidden underneath weighing heavily on my mind. I take a shaky breath. Whether I'm truly insane, or this really is the ghost of Sayori coming to take vengeance on her murderer is irrelevant. For we are in agreement. "This is what needs to be done, what I deserve."

I descend the stairs to find the kitchen empty. Mom's new job has her leaving pretty early, however she still makes it a habit of brewing a fresh pot of coffee for me every morning. I pour me a cup and quickly down it's contents, refilling the mug immediately. The satisfaction I normally get from the taste, the fragrance of fresh morning coffee doesn't affect me. The same numb feeling from last night is still prevalent in my body. After finishing the second cup of coffee, I sling my bag over my shoulder and exit the house towards school, choosing to skip breakfast once again.

The day drags on slowly, seconds, minutes, hours, all of it ticks by at a snails pace. The words of my teachers barely register. The deafening sound of the lunch bell breaks me out of my trance, I slowly stand up and enter the congested hallway. I pass by the classroom Yuri eats in, I don't even spare a glance at the door. I just keep walking. I stop at my locker to deposit the mornings books. The sound of footsteps approaching me gets my attention. I glance in the direction of the footsteps and find the same student from my first period staring me down. I recently found out his name is Akiba.

Akiba's gaze goes up and down my body. He lets out a snort. "Jesus did your mom forget to dress you today or what?" He says in a venomous tone.

I simply remain silent and begin to put my books away once again. Choosing to ignore the child.

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, it doesn't matter how well you dress, nothing will mask that disgusting face of yours." Akiba leans in closer, clearly trying to get a rise out of me. It would've worked on any other day, but I'm just too tired to give a fuck. Akiba begins to grow frustrated at my silence and forcibly slams my locker shut. "I'm talking to you freak!"

I let out a tired sigh. "I noticed, I'm just choosing to ignore you." I reply in a tired voice.

Letting out an angry huff, Akiba grabs me by the front of my blazer and puts his face into mine. "You are really starting to piss me off gaijin, that mouth of yours is going to get you into trouble if you're not careful." He says in a flat, even tone.

Even with my exhaustion my temper flares a bit, I give Akiba an icy glare. "You going to do something about it? Go on then, make my day."

Akiba smirks. "You sure about that? Your face is already fucked up as it is, I would almost feel bad if I made it worse."

I go to respond but a hand grabs Akiba by the shoulder. He turns around before hitting his knees, a wheeze of pain escaping his lips. Akiba falls onto the floor clutching his groin as Monika kneels beside him. "I don't appreciate you talking to my friend like that Akiba." Monika says in a polite tone, as if she is scolding a child.

Akiba takes a pained breath and looks at both Monika and I. "The hell are you friends with this freakshow for?" He says in a pained tone.

Monika shakes her head sadly. "Trust me Akiba, compared to him your nothing but a glorified pile of garbage."

Akiba manages to stand and shoots Monika an angry glare. "Bitch, who the fuck do you think you are?"

Monika gives him a devious smile. "I'm just a normal girl Akiba, a girl that just happened to come across the pictures you sent to Kayano." Akiba stiffens a bit as Monika continues. "It makes sense now, you put down others to make yourself feel like a big man, after all our insecurities can make us feel pretty small." Monika places emphasis on the word small. "I would hate to have to send these pictures to every girl in the school, after all people can be so cruel don't you agree?" Monika pats Akiba on the shoulder. "Don't worry, some of us are just late bloomers is all. Now if you would be so kind as to never talk to Kris again, then we can both forget this conversation ever happened." Monika gives Akiba a wink, he looks in my direction, a glint of anger lingering in his eyes. He slowly nods his head and walks down the hallway out of sight. Monika lets out a sigh and gives me a polite smile. "Well that was eventful."

"You didn't have to do that." I respond.

Monika rolls her eyes. "Trust me, he isn't worth getting suspended over, but either way you're welcome."

"I wasn't thanking you." I say in a bitter tone, I walk past Monika and proceed down the hallway. She quickly catches up and stops me.

"Are you feeling okay, no offense but you look terrible." Monika says in a concerned tone.

I let out a tired sigh. "We talked about this before, I told you I'm fine."

Monika lets out a sigh in annoyance. "You're a bad liar Kris, I can tell somethings wrong." I try to walk past her but she stops me in my tracks. "You're a member of my club, it's my responsibility to worry about your wellbeing." Monika says.

"You don't need to worry about me anymore." I say in a quiet tone.

Monika gives me a look of confusion. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I take a breath to brace myself. "I wanted to wait until the meeting today to let you know, but it's probably best to say it sooner rather than later. I'm leaving the club."

"What?" Monika says in bewilderment. "Wait, why?"

Lie to her, it's the only way. "I just can't anymore I thought…" I trail off a bit and swallow the lump in my throat. "I thought I could manage it. I thought that I could keep pretending, but I'm tired."

Monika stares in confusion. "Pretending about what? What are you talking about?"

I let out a sigh. "Monika, I didn't join your club because I have a love for literature like the rest of you, I joined because Sayori successfully persuaded me to. And we both know how persuasive she could be."

Monika is taken aback. "I know Sayori guilted you into joining, but you can't tell me that you haven't enjoyed your time with us. Now you just want to leave all of a sudden?" Monika asks desperately.

Keep lying, push them away. "I know it's sudden Monika, it has nothing to do with any of you. This is a decision I'm making for myself. I never wanted to be in your club, and I'm tired of pretending like I still do." I try to walk away but Monika stops me yet again.

"Hold on, We're your friends Kris! Natsuki and I see you as a dear friend, and what about Yuri? You can't tell me nothing is going on between you two." Monika is growing desperate, her normal calm demeanor is all but gone.

I let out a bitter laugh. "Sayori was my friend Monika, my only friend. She was the only reason I joined in the first place." I look Monika in the eye. "Lets face it Monika, if Sayori hadn't dragged me into your club, none of you would have ever given me the time of day. We became friends by pure circumstance, nothing more, nothing less. Now please get out of my way."

Monika doesn't back down. "Look I understand okay? You've been through so much lately, more then most people ever go through. But pushing your friends away won't make things better."

Keep lying. "You don't understand Monika, you never will." I let out a humorless laugh. "You remember that conversation we had shortly after I joined? How you were concerned that Sayori and I's spotty friendship would cause issues for her?" Monika nods her head. "You were right to be concerned. If I had never joined, if I had simply ignored Sayori that day, she would still be alive." Monika tries to deny my statement but I don't let her speak. "She would still be alive and well, and none of you would have ever known me. Natsuki, Yuri, you, none of you would have cared about me. Things would be as they should be. I'm just making things right again. I'm sorry Monika, I'm sorry I let this go on as long as it did. Tell Natsuki and Yuri that I'm sorry too." Without waiting for a response I proceed down the hallway towards my next class, leaving Monika to stand in the hallway in bewilderment.

I wait for the final bell to ring, a heavy sense of guilt plaguing my mind. It had to be done, for their sake. The final bell signals the end of the day and I begin to make my way out of the campus. As I'm exiting the building I can hear a familiar voice calling my name. I turn and feel my chest tighten. Yuri makes her way towards me. The look on her face telling me she heard about my sudden departure. I was hoping I would have time to leave, making it easier on the both of us.

"What's going on? What do you mean you're leaving the club?" Yuri asks desperately.

"I mean exactly that Yuri, if you want the full reason ask Monika." I try to walk away but Yuri steps in front of me.

"She told me but it can't be true. You and I both know it's a lie." I let out a tired sigh as Yuri presses on. "I know somethings still wrong, I know you don't like to talk about these kinds of things. But you don't have to leave, we are here for you, I'm here for you!" Yuri's voice breaks a bit. "You shouldn't hold all of this in, it isn't healthy."

Seeing the pained expression on Yuri's face hurts me. It needs to be done, it will only make this harder. With a heavy sigh I give Yuri a cold glare and let out a bitter laugh. "It isn't healthy? Yuri you are going to lecture me on unhealthy habits? You of all people?" Yuri remains silent, the pained expression on her face conveying that my words cut deep, like a knife on flesh. "Goodbye Yuri." I push my way past her, Yuri giving no resistance as I exit the campus grounds. As soon as I'm out of her sight I lean against a bus stop and regain my composure. The pained expression on Yuri's face makes my chest tighten. "I'm sorry." I mumble to myself. Taking a breath I begin to make my way back home.

"I don't really like myself."

I reach my house at a snails pace, slamming the door behind me and tossing my bag to the floor haphazardly. I ascend the stairs and enter the bathroom. Turning on the sink I splash water on my exhausted face. The cool, refreshing sensation barely alleviating the exhaustion. My hands are trembling, fearing what's to come.

"You did the right thing." Sayori says to me, her sickly reflection standing behind mine.

I glance at the mirror, my once brilliant sapphire eyes are dull and tired, much like hers. My skin is pale and the bags under my eyes are dark and heavy. I look like a dead man walking. How appropriate.

"You did the right thing." Sayori repeats. "This was for the best."

I look down in shame. "You should have seen their faces, they were devastated. Especially Yuri." I say in a regretful tone.

"They will be upset, for a while at least. If you had acted sooner it would have been much easier on them."

I take a shaky breath, gripping the sink to steady my trembling hands. "I know." I whisper.

"But they will get over it, even Yuri, all of them will move on and leave you behind. They will forget about you, as they should. You've brought nothing but pain to everyone around you."

I look in the mirror and am met with my reflection and nothing more. I take a shaky breath and turn the sink off. Exiting the bathroom I enter my bedroom, shutting the door I consider locking it but ultimately decide against the idea. Why burden everyone even further?

"I don't really like myself."

The girls sit in silence. Monika remains silent, clearly in deep thought. Yuri has her head on her desk, having not spoken a single word since the meeting began. Natsuki is livid, she is pacing the room in anger. She finally breaks the silence. "Who the hell does he think he is?" Natsuki asks.

Monika rubs her head in frustration. "Natsuki, please…"

"No! Where does he get off talking to you two like that? The son of a bitch, I should go kick his ass!" Natsuki exclaims in a rage.

"Natsuki!" Monika yells. Natsuki stops her pacing and looks Monika in the eye. "You're not helping." Monika motions towards Yuri with her eyes, who has remained silent this entire time. Natsuki bites her lip in frustration before letting out an angry sigh.

"Fine whatever." Natsuki says dismissively.

Monika lets out a tired sigh. "Lets just go ahead and call the meeting for today. I'll see all of you tomorrow." Natsuki grabs her things and exits the room. Yuri slowly raises her head, her eyes red and puffy. She grabs her bag and begins to make her way towards the exit before Monika stops her. "How you doing Yuri?" Monika asks.

Yuri takes a shaky breath. "I don't know. Are you sure he didn't say anything else to you? Anything at all?" Yuri asks.

Monika gives her a sympathetic smile. "Everything he told me, I told you Yuri."

Yuri looks down for a moment before letting out a sigh. "Do you think he was telling the truth? That he was only here because of Sayori and nothing else?" Yuri asks.

Monika closes her eyes in thought before responding. "I don't know, part of me thinks he's just trying to push us away. But the other part of me believes him. The only person who knows the answer is him I'm afraid." Monika remains silent for a moment. "What about you? Do you think he meant what he said?"

Yuri shakes her head. "I don't think he did. He hasn't been the same these past couple of weeks." Yuri pauses for a moment before sighing in annoyance. "Maybe he really is tired of us worrying. Maybe we are the ones that pushed him away."

Monika places her hand on Yuri's shoulder. "Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter. I'm sure he will come back, just give him some time."

Yuri strokes her hair nervously. "I don't know. I…" Yuri lapses into silence. Monika waits for her to continue but after a minute of silence, she speaks up.

"What is it?"

Yuri looks around the room, avoiding eye contact. "I just have this feeling, I can't describe it but I feel like something is wrong. Really wrong."

"Maybe you should try and text him? Out of all of us you have the best chance of talking with him."

Yuri shakes her head. "I already tried, he wont respond, my calls go straight to voicemail." Yuri lets out a frustrated groan. "I don't know maybe I'm overthinking it. What should I do?" Yuri asks.

Monika remains silent for a moment. "I can't say for sure Yuri, maybe you're right. Maybe our worrying is the reason and he just needs time alone." Yuri looks down in defeat. "Or maybe not." Monika grabs Yuri's shoulders and looks her in the eyes. "If you are worried about him, then go check on him. Sure he might get mad, but if there really is something wrong with him, he shouldn't be alone."

Yuri remains silent, going over Monika's words in her head. She eventually smiles and nods her head. "Okay, I'm going to check on him." Yuri grabs her bag and exits the clubroom. Exiting the campus she turns towards the direction of Kris's house.

"I don't really like myself."

With my heart pounding, I slowly get down onto my knees and pull out the box from underneath the bed. With trembling hands I remove the lid and gaze upon the contents inside. My mouth has gone dry and I can feel sweat pouring down my face. Sayori squats next to me. "Will it hurt?" I ask quietly.

Sayori stares at me for a moment. "Yes, but only for a moment, after that all of it will fade away."

I slowly nod my head and lick my lips nervously. My trembling hand slowly tracing the cold barrel of the revolver. I slowly take the gun out of the box, checking the cylindrical to see if the rounds are still loaded. I slap it into place and grab the grip with both hands. My heartbeat is pounding in my ears and the sweat is pouring off of my face. I close my eyes and try desperately to take calming breaths. "I'm scared." I whisper.

Sayori gives me a look of pity. "It's alright, I was scared too. Scared and alone. Like the pain though, the fear will disappear as well. All it takes is a single step, or in your case the pull of the trigger." Sayori disappears after that, leaving me alone and afraid, just like she was. It's only fair, after all I abandoned her too. Breathing heavily, I slowly pull the hammer back and place the barrel against my temple. My heart rate is through the roof and the thudding of my heart beat is the only thing I can hear. I can feel tears falling down my face as my finger slowly moves over the trigger. My mouth goes dry, the gravity of what I'm about to do slowly setting in. I didn't even leave a letter, I had nothing left to say. What will mom think? I shut my eyes tightly and suppress the doubting thoughts.

"I don't really like myself….

…I think I'm breaking down."

The sound of his voicemail reaches Yuri's ears yet again. With a sigh of annoyance she hangs up and proceeds to Kris's house. "Maybe I'm making a mistake." She says out loud, trying to calm her nerves. Yet no matter how many times Yuri tells herself to turn around, this gnawing feeling of uncertainty makes her press on. Soon his house comes into view. Yuri timidly knocks on the door, no response. She knocks louder this time, still no response. Yuri tries to call once again, her ears greeted by his voicemail. Looking around nervously, Yuri tests the door handle to see if it's locked. To her surprise it's unlocked. Yuri opens the door and nervously calls out. "H-hello? It's me, Y-yuri." Yuri waits for a response but doesn't hear anything. Maybe he didn't come home? Yuri's eyes fall onto Kris's bag on the floor. Okay, he's definitely home. Taking a breath Yuri enters the house, shutting the door behind her. She enters the kitchen first, then she checks the living room. Nobody. Seeing that the bottom floor is empty Yuri proceeds to ascend the staircase.

A loud bang emanates from upstairs, Yuri jumps and nearly falls down the steps in surprise. After getting her bearings, a cold feeling spreads through her body, her stomach drops and her heart rises into her throat. Yuri quickly bolts up the stairs and reaches Kris's door. She proceeds to gently open it.

"KRIS!"