Chapter 18.
When Jules decided she should eat something, Cas accompanied her to the kitchen. He knew that, technically, he should probably have offered to take her out for dinner, but he wasn't ready for that level of dating, where people might see them together and laugh at his total incompetence and draw her attention to the fact that he was an embarrassment to be around.
"I could get you some food." he suggested.
She shook her head. "I can do that." she said, "You don't eat, so you shouldn't have to cook."
"I cook for Sam and Dean." he said.
She got two bottles of beer out of the refrigerator. She gave one to him and opened the other for herself. "You know, a woman could really take advantage of you." she said, "You're so sweet and giving and some women would just take it all."
He opened his beer and took a drink. "I want to do things for you. I know I'm not exactly every woman's dream. I may possibly feature in a few nightmares ... "
"Cas, none of that." she said, "I don't like it when you talk that way. You're with me now and nobody talks down my angel, okay?" She searched the refrigerator and then said, "Perfect! We have eggs and we have ham. I'm gonna do something omelettey." She pointed to him and said, "While I cook, you're gonna think about what comes next."
"In what sense?" he said.
"A whole evening, no hunt to go on, no urgent research."
"What about Rhydian?" said Cas.
"You want me to focus on Rhydian tonight?" she said.
It surprised him how he entirely didn't. "No." he said.
"Good, because, fascinating though the subject is, I'd rather be with you."
He took another swig of beer. The way she was looking at him made him nervous and excited and confused and uncertain and deeply, ridiculously happy. He wanted to say the right thing, but had no idea what that would be. He wasn't able to give her the big declaration that she deserved from him, but he had no idea how to express any of the many emotions he was feeling.
"Are you okay?" she said, breaking a few eggs into a bowl.
He went with social media as his guide. "It's complicated." he said.
She smiled. "Am I making you feel you're under pressure?"
"No." he said, "I think I am."
"Oh, that's harder to deal with." she said.
"Sorry."
"Never be sorry for what you're feeling." she said, "I just mean if I'm not the one applying the pressure, I may not be able to remove it. You know I'm not expecting anything from you tonight, right? Tonight or ever. You owe me nothing. I demand nothing. I want to be with you, but I am perfectly happy to be with you sorting letters in the archives or making new gadgets for hunting or just hanging out and talking about bees."
"You've never asked me for anything." he said.
"No and I have no intention of asking for anything. If tonight, you'd rather not hang out with me, I won't be offended. You have a right to peace. You can want to be alone without making me feel rejected."
"Thanks for always talking me through this stuff." he said, "It can be so hard to navigate through interactions with humans when they all just assume I know how it all works. Dean knows how inept I am and even he forgets sometimes that I get it wrong all the time."
"He forgets that you don't understand it all because you do understand a lot of it." she said, "Most of the time, nobody would know you're not human. By the way, the awkwardness comes across as humility and sensitivity a lot of the time and neither of those will make women like you less."
He thought about how he wanted the evening to go and the one thing he was sure of was that he did not want to spend it alone, just because it was less effort than interaction. Being around Jules made him happy and he wanted to spend more time with her, but he knew that trying to be romantic would lead to embarrassment and confusion and there was no way he could imagine going beyond flirtation to something more unequivocal. "Sleepover?" he suggested.
"You don't sleep." she said.
"No, but I hear sleep is not the main focus of a sleepover. Of course, at some point you will want to sleep and you may not want me around then."
"You wouldn't want to be around then." she said, "You'd soon get bored watching me sleep."
"I don't think I'd get bored watching you do anything." he said, "But you might not want me to watch you sleep. Dean doesn't. He says it's creepy."
"I don't find anything you do creepy." she said.
"You probably will at some point." he said, "Just remember that it's never intentional." He watched her cooking her eggs and he smiled to himself. He loved the kitchen. Everything good happened in kitchens. Family things happened in kitchens and food, which even Dean considered a legitimate and acceptable way to express love and affection.
"Are we having our sleepover in your room or mine?" she said.
"Mine is quiet." he said, "And Bobby hung my picture of Sarah's farm for me, so it's even decorated."
"And it won't feel weird, having me in your inner sanctum all night?" she said, putting her supper onto a plate.
"It would feel a lot less lonely than most of my nights." he said.
"You get lonely?" she said.
"Is that pathetic?" he asked.
"No, it's not." she said, "It's good that you need people as much as we need you." She sat down at the table with him. "Psalm 4:7." she said.
"Psalm 94:19." he said.
After Jules had eaten, Cas filled a bag with snacks for the sleepover and grabbed two more bottles of beer and then they went in search of Jack or Sam. Jack was in the library. "If I am needed," said Cas, "You or Sam can call or text, but only if I am really needed. Otherwise, I need the night off. We are having a sleepover."
"Oh." said Jack, looking from one to the other.
"Problem?" said Jules.
"No. Enjoy your ... sleepover." said Jack.
As they left the library, Jules said, "I love that kid."
"Me too." said Cas, "He's sometimes a little confused, but he tries so hard. I'm glad you and he get along."
"He's like a son to you, isn't he?" she said.
"Yes, he is my son in every sense that matters."
"Of course he is." she said, "And he's just like you."
"No, Jack is infinitely better than I am." he said, "But I appreciate the compliment."