Chapter 16

A/N: Apologies for the wait, busy ass holiday spamming time of the year lol Enjoy

Naruto and Jiraiya have been arguing since the morning about their impending arrival at the Leaf village, "They won't recognize me if I'm not wearing my patented clothing!"

Jiraiya sighed in disappointment, "If they don't recognize you, I'll buy you ramen for life."

"Worth it," is all Naruto had to say.

Some random gate guard, "Hey its Jiraiya and his student, Naruto."

Naruto throws a fit, "Hey not fair, you're using some kind of genjutsu. Hey guard, how did you recognize me?"

The guard squints at him, "Well for starters, you have whiskers on your face… And no one else in the village wears as much orange as you do. Dumbass."

Jiraiya gets defensive, "Hey you don't get to say that to him. You don't even have a name. Hell, you're so unimportant they gave you Kotetsu's and Izumo's job."

The guard starts to contemplate life.

"The guard did nothing wrong," Kurama commented.

They officially enter the village and Kotetsu and Izumo are spotted chasing cats for their daily income. Shino is also near the gate and sees that Naruto has arrived and approaches him, "I see that you're back from your training; training under a legendary sannin must have been fruitful."

Naruto is confused on who the hell is speaking to him, "Uh huh, yeah. Uhh who are you?"

Jiraiya glares at Naruto, "You have become the very thing you didn't want to happen to you; I honestly have no clue on who this kid is, but all I do know is that he was your classmate and I'm out, its club time."

Shino thinks to himself, am I really that unnoticeable? Or is he just that stupid?

"Oh yeah you're the bug fucker," Naruto finally remembered.

Shino to himself again, maybe it was best for him not to remember.

Naruto nodded remembering what Kiba once said before, "You have a bunch of bugs you let inside you. Pretty creepy," he turns to Jiraiya and whispers, "I don't know why I'm supposed to say 'inside' like that."

Jiraiya sighs, turns around and leaves.

"Kiba, I hate you," Shino grumbled.

"Home sweet home!" Naruto's mood elevated as he turned the key to his apartment and entered. His face faulted instantaneously when he found that the lights were on. Did I SERIOUSLY leave those on for like two and a half YEARS? To make matters worse, the Kyuubi found it amusing.

"You're a buffoon, you can't even leave without screwing something up. You haven't been making any money in the meantime either," he cackled.

"Shut up Fuzzball Drunken Triple D covered the bills… I just… Can't believe I did that," facepalmed Naruto.

"Why not? You pay absolutely zero attention to detail."

"...You're the one who was careless enough to get stuffed inside a baby," Naruto retorted and needless to say the Kyuubi's response was not pleasant. The roar in Naruto's mindscape made him wince.

Naruto dropped his bag on the couch but stopped right in his tracks afterwards. Wait a minute… His place wasn't how he left it. Certain items were moved around if only slightly. There were items he did not recognize at all for that matter lying on his table or on the kitchen counter. Oh and then there was the stuff on the floor, none of which he recognized, from feminine clothes far too small to fit him to empty bottles of juice he never tried to a purple brush and handheld mirror.

Something was verrry fucking wrong. "What the hell; I don't live like a pig!"

"What was THAT?!" An angry voice put Naruto on his guard emerging from the other room. Another blonde came from the extra bedroom with a glare that completely washed away when she saw him, "Oh shit. Naruto… You're supposed to be back next week…" She laughed awkwardly, "Or so I was told… I mean, yeah," she averted her eyes, "That's what I heard."

"Ino? You scared the shit out of me!" Naruto vented revealing a kunai in his hand which he promptly stashed away. "We made it back just now; we're a little early but it's not like I'm Kakashi so that shouldn't be a big deal. More importantly… Why are you in my house?"

"I… Might have been living here for like say… A year now," Ino said with a diplomatic tone.

"...But why?" Naruto demanded, dumbfounded.

"Because!" Ino got excited, "Sakura moved out on her own so I had to because she didn't let me move in!"

Naruto's eye twitched, "How the hell does that turn into 'hey let's just crash Naruto's place!'" his voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Well you weren't using it! And… It was free. And we're friends so I figured-"

"What!?" Naruto couldn't believe this, "You don't just figure to jack my apartment for a year. What the fuck! Who else has been here?!"

Ino stared back at him offended, "I didn't entertain! There weren't any sleepovers or something! Geez give me some credit here."

"No! I will not!"

Ino clapped her hands together and pleaded with him, "Come on Naruto I'll make it up to you! I'm sorry you're so mad to be honest I'm surprised. You just have to understand how competitive things are between me and Forehead-girl! It's literally just like you and Sasuke used to be!" Ino regretted that comment immediately and covered her mouth, she had no idea how Naruto would react to Sasuke's name being mentioned.

"Sasuke…" He repeated, a slight smile creeping onto his lips, "I wonder how strong that bastard is," He commented and made his way to the kitchen.

Ino nearly fell over. Seriously!? Did he just forget all about the apartment thing!?

Naruto stopped in front of his microwave and just stared at it. Ino watched from the other side of the counter completely lost, "Soo… Are we done talking abou-"

"You need to move out," Naruto didn't bother to let her finish, "I never said you could stay here!"

"But where am I supposed to go!" She retorted hotly, hands on hips.

"I don't know? Go back where you belong? Your parents place…" He turned around and stared at her.

"I can't!"

"You mean you don't want to," Naruto sweatdropped.

"No. Well, kind of? Look I can't do that or Sakura won!"

"That's moronic!"

"..."

"..."

Kurama chuckled, "I think it's hitting her that you're calling her out for being the dumb one. That must feel unimaginably painful." Naruto didn't even bother acknowledging his prick of a tenant.

"Can I have a week?" She got on her knees and begged, "I'll find another way! I promise! And I'll compensate you."

Naruto sighed, "One week…?"

"I promise! Look, I was already planning on moving out because you were supposed to show up next week! So it's not going to be a problem making arrangements!"

"Your going to owe me a lot," Naruto rubbed his temple.

"Whoo!" Ino cheered and pumped her fist.

Ay, Kurama, I hope you know a big part of why I'm letting her stay a little while is to annoy the shit out of you, asshole. He received nothing more than a growl in response from Kurama.

"First thing I want… Is for you to show me where Sakura moved to."

"Lord Kazekage," a jonin kneeled before Gaara who was gazing over his paperwork from the Kazekage office.

"What is it?"

"It's… Kankuro."

Gaara sighed, "I see. Bring him to me."

A moment later the jonin returns with an anxious Kankuro, "Gaara! The village is in danger!"

"Kankuro… We've been over this. You have got to stop," Gaara turned to look him in the eye.

"What?" Kankuro replied, confused, "Oh… You think I'm- No seriously I'm clean! This is really happening we're under attack!"

"Have you been going to your therapy sessions? I know I have you do a lot of work so you might not have an adequate amount of free time. Should I put you on leave so you can get some help?"

"I'm CLEAN!" Kankuro grit his teeth, "Just listen to me; the village is under attack right now by a bunch of exploding clay birds!

"Please, we're trying to help you man. DMT is a serious thing and we're going to help you overcome it," The jonin tried to assist the Kazekage.

Kankuro growled in annoyance, "SERIOUSLY, GO OUTSIDE!"

"Indoor voice Kankuro," Gaara scolded him, "You need to calm down. We'll get you some water and I'll take you to your home so you can get some sleep and let the hallucigen wear off."

"For the last time I'm clean!" Kankuro facepalmed.

A raucous explosion made the building rumble, "...See," Kankuro made a gesture of annoyance with his hands.

The trio rushed to the rooftop and Gaara quickly identified a large clay hawk with a blonde long haired asshole flying it. Gaara crosses his arms nonchalantly and a bunch of sand shoots up from the village ground but the person flying it was far more skilled than he anticipated. For a piece of clay, the bird was quite maneuverable too.

Gaara huffed the slightest hint of annoyance, he hated the ones that made him actually wave his hands in order to capture them. Gaara's motions soon trapped the assailant but just as he thought he won the bird blew up, "What?" Gaara uttered, what kind of idiotic kamikaze attack was that?

He then heard a sharp whistle, "Over here smart guy; you're supposed to be the Kazekage I expect more from you!" Gaara turned to see a different clay bird with the same man, gazing down at the three sand ninja with supreme confidence.

"Who are you?" Gaara demanded.

"I'm an artist! Hn!"

"..."

"...That, really doesn't fill in any blanks," the jonin answered for Gaara.

The assailant's smile grew wider, "All you need to know is my name is Deidara and I'll be taking you," He pointed to single out Gaara, "And the One-tail inside you for Akatsuki purposes! We can do this the hard way or we can do this the fun way and have an art festival right in the middle of your village!"

"I like art," Kankuro commented.

"Hn, what would you know of the ultimate sublime greatness?"

"My face is art."

Deidara's eyes widened maniacally, "I've decided for you. Art festival it is!" He made a handsign and five buildings explode.

"NO!" Kankuro screamed.

"THAT IS MY ART! TAKE IT IN YOUR SOUL! ONE INSTANT OF ART! AN INSTANT OF SUBLIMITY. "

"What the fuck man! Explosions aren't art! My warpaint is art!"

Deidara grinned, "Then I'll just have to make your face explode! Hn!" He spat clay out of his hand at Kankuro and smirked when he detonated it but Gaara's powers put up a wall to shield him at the last second.

"I won't allow this," Gaara said simply, arms crossed.

"That was close," The jonin commented, "We've got to be careful."

"That is painfully obvious," Kankuro deadpanned.

Deidara chuckled at his declaration, "I am SO glad we're actually doing this! I love showcasing my art on a grand stage."

"Do you ever stop talking?" Gaara blandly eyed him. Why was it so common that the most powerful ninja were this weird?

"You- What the?" Deidara was cut off by the unexpected appearance of a puppet sneaking up from behind him and locking him inside.

"Tch, what a loudmouth fool. Pfft art. What a load of-" Kankuro hit the deck before finishing his statement when the puppet was blown to smithereens.

"God damn it my puppet!"

Mocking laughter came from their flank, "You know… I was wondering why my partner followed me in here but now I see that its all just a lousy coincidence. You better not try to tell me that you think that piece of shit is art too I will blow this entire village straight to hell," Deidara warned Kankuro indignantly.

"Partner?" Gaara, Kankuro and the other jonin all caught Deidara's slip.

Gaara stepped forward, "You guys go find his partner."

"Lord Kazekage? Are you sure?" The jonin wasn't a fan of the idea of leaving him to fight alone, "Where are the ANBU?"

"I'm afraid they won't be coming to rescue anyone…" Deidara revealed casually, "Something paid each of them a little visit… But at least they each one of their miserable existences was made surreal for one moment, hn!"

"What the hell is he talking about?"

"Just go," Gaara insisted, "I will handle this."

Naruto and Ino make their way to 'Bitch-ass-Sakura's' as Ino called her apartment, "Why couldn't you just tell me how to get here?"

Ino smirked, "You would have just gotten lost, idiot."

"Hmm, hey why don't you get us some food while I catch up with her," Naruto hands her money.

Ino agrees and goes off to get some food and Naruto uses the transformation jutsu and transforms into Ino, "Look who's an idiot now."

Naruto knocks on Sakura's door and she opens, "Oh hey Ino, I wasn't expecting you to come by. Uh come inside."

"I haven't seen you in a bit, you know."

Sakura is confused, "We spoke this morning…"

Naruto facepalms hard, "Yeah…"As he makes his way inside, he notices how much dirty clothing is on the floor, "Do you even clean your place?"

Sakura glares at the fake Ino, "What do you mean, you treat your room way worse than mine."

Naruto got offended, "No I don't, I'm not a fucking pig."

"God, you're such a cunt today. You must be on your period."

Naruto is now genuinely confused, "What's a period?"

Sakura goes up Naruto and releases his jutsu, "You fucking perv," she grabs Naruto and opens her front door and yeets him across the village.

Ino was making her way back to Sakura's apartment and sees Naruto being thrown, "Haha, I knew that would happen."

Fortunately for Naruto, he happened to land on Hyuga property and Hinata obviously faints upon seeing a random Naruto landing on her land. Neji is just standing there looking at both Naruto and Hinata on the ground and cannot fathom what the hell just happened.

Naruto was knocked out cold by the landing and it has been about an hour and he has been transferred to guest room and Hinata is just sitting by waiting for him to wake up, "I-I can't believe I-I get to take care of N-Naruto"

Naruto sniffs his pillow, "Wait a minute, this doesn't smell like Doritos."

Hinata covers her mouth, "H-hi Naruto."

"Where am I? I don't remember the hospital looking like this"

"Y-you're in my h-house and you've o-only been like this for about an hour."

Naruto grabbing his head, "Huh? How? Last thing I remembered was me getting hit by a pink monster."

"Well y-you landed here and I-I took you in to make sure you were properly cared for," Hinata starts to blush and thinking too much about how much she wants Naruto.

"Hmm, why is your face red?"

Hiashi comes into the room, "I told you once he is awake, he is supposed to leave."

"He just woke up though."

"Yeah and he should be on his way, he must be busy after training with Jiraiya for three years."

Naruto unsure what to say, "I think I had to go see Drunken Triple D today. Thanks for having me? It's apparently been an hour and I don't know what to say…" Naruto to himself and Kurama, This place has such thin walls.

Kurama tired of being watched by the obsessive Hyuga, "And somehow your brain is smaller. Let's get out of here, that girl has gotten weirder."

Naruto and Jiraiya finally make their way to the Hokage's office to report how Naruto's training went after three years.

Jiraiya recollected, "We could not figure out how to control the Nine-tailed beast early on, I even had a near death experience trying to calm Naruto down. I decided that his best course of action would be to learn sage jutsu and we have only scratched the surface so far."

"I don't like eating bugs," Naruto shivers.

Kurama thinks to himself Well maybe if you would have spent less time looking at strippers, this dumbass of a child would be further ahead in his training.

Naruto notices Sakura in the room "Oh yeah, Sakura how has your training gone?."

Tsunade speaks up before Sakura can respond, "She has advanced very well. She may even become stronger than I one day."

Kurama lashes out, "How useful is a dead medic ninja? She's completely useless! Naruto, let them know she's retarded."

Naruto looks at his stomach, "Stop talking."

Tsunade glares at Jiraiya, "Is this normal for him to act up? Why did I allow him to train under you."

Jiraiya sighed as he has to explain that Naruto is talking to Kurama "He's talking to the beast, you'll get used to it after a while."

Kakashi stops reading Jiraiya's new book, "Things make a lot more sense now. How did I not figure that out?"

Tsunade "So you're telling me, you, his other master did not know he talked talks to the Nine-tails?"

Kakashi confused, "What? I'm talking about this book. This is better than our clubs."

"A room full of degenerates."

Kankuro laid flat on the sandy terrain in the outskirts of his beloved village, fully paralyzed, "H-How did I let this happen? Just who the hell is he?"

The strange cloaked figure stared down his victim with disinterest, "Right now you're probably wondering how I was able to read and appropriately counter each of your attacks. Since you are undoubtedly going to die anyway, I will allow you to know. To be honest you humored me… Coming out here with all that confidence, intending to take me down with my own puppets."

Kankuro's eyes widened, "What!?"

"Yes that's right… I am Sasori of the Red Sand."

"Y-You… You're the Hidden Sand's greatest traitor. Why have you come back? Why are you trying to destroy the village you once swore to protect!?" Kankuro demanded angrily, he would've pounded the ground with a fist if he could budge a muscle.

"Destroy the village? You assume too much; that is not our purpose for being here. Once we take the One-tail jinchuriki in our custody we will leave. This is simply business."

At that revelation Kankuro felt a pang in his heart, "No, you can't! We of the Hidden Sand won't be pushed around that easily! You can't take Gaara!"

Sasori turned away from the poisoned puppeteer and went about his business, "There's nothing you can do about it; I give you three days to live before my poison kills you off for good. No cure exists, your time has passed. I'll be leaving now to meet up with my partner; I don't like to keep people waiting; unless it's to die of course."

"N-No…" Kankuro's vision began to blur, "...Bastard," His conscious faded.

Meanwhile at the epicenter of the village…

Gaara and Deidara had been engaged in a long ranged stalemate for quite some time now, with Deidara flying a new clay bird and Gaara using the terrain of his homeland to his advantage but Deidara's creation was too fast for his sand. The Kazekage was uneasy but his confidence was unwavering. Deidara meanwhile was just having a blast.

Deidara grinned away as he yelled at the Kazekage, "This has been really fun but I'm afraid my partner doesn't like to be kept waiting and I hate listening to him whine about it… So I guess I'll have to use my-" Whatever Deidara was about to say was interrupted when a Sand jonin thought it would be a good idea to try and help Gaara out by launching a wind scythe jutsu at the Akatsuki member, clipping the bird's wing. Unfortunately, Deidara was unfazed by this, and merely guided the bird so that he would now be on a crash course towards the Kazekage tower with an arrogant smirk plastered on his face.

"Damn you…" Gaara grunted and put up a massive sand wall in Deidara's path now that he won't be able to elevate over it. Deidara easily was able to leap over the wall but the bird rammed straight into it, and was swallowed up by Gaara's sand, suffocating the explosion and preventing the destruction of the Kazekage tower.

Well, for about five seconds anyway. Because immediately after, as Gaara looked around for any sign of the Akatsuki assassin, the Kazekage tower blew up anyway, "Dick move," Gaara grumbled.

Several jonin gathered at Gaara's position, "Lord Kazekage," They awaited orders.

"Find him," Gaara grunted, highly agitated. What was the point of his retreat and all this destruction? Wasn't Gaara himself the target?

The jonin didn't get very far before a chain of explosions was set off down an entire street that intersected the remains of the Kazekage tower, "That bastard!" One of the jonin stomped, "Follow the trail!"

Yes, because that totally wasn't going to be a trap- Oh fuck it. He was Gaara. He had the ultimate defense on his side. Gaara and his squad of elites rushed to the scene on high alert. He was confident that he could protect these men with all of the sand he had at his disposal. That assassin was a complete fool to underestimate the disadvantage of fighting Gaara in a fucking desert. It would be fine, -he was sure of it- until his foot made contact with something foreign under the sand and everything flashed before them. A landmine?

*BOOM*

Deidara cackled maniacally in triumph, "Glorious! Did you FEEL my art, Kazekage!? Hn!" Before he could continue on an annoying monologue about art he began coughing profusely from the sand he accidentally inhaled from the aftermath of his jutsu, "Damn it," He practically choked, "Why the hell do people choose to live here, anyway?" He coughed some more.

Once he felt normal again he smirked and looked down at the unconscious Kazekage proudly, and prepared another bird to transport his wounded hostage.

The following day in Konoha, the Hokage received word of an attack in the Sunagakure village and summoned a squad immediately.

Naruto busts through the doorway, "I got here as quick as I could. I kinda slept in today so I had to get a few things together."

Sakura irritated over her squad being late, "And yet you still made it here before Kakashi..."

"Well of course I did… Have some faith," Naruto deadpanned.

"They should avoid that at all cost."

Naruto ignored the Kyuubi this time, "They called it an emergency, what's the situation?"

Temari grit her teeth and answered in an aggressive tone, "The situation is… If your sensei doesn't get his ass here in the next five minutes I'm going to ask Lady Hokage for permission to lead this squad and go on ahead of him!"

Naruto stares at the pissed Sand kunoichi, "Do I know you?" He asks dumbly.

"dO I kNoW yOu," Temari repeated in a mocking voice, "We were in the same chunin exams three years ago and I thought you were a complete idiot."

Naruto squints, "Wait… You're my brother's sister! Wait… That means you're my sister."

"Moron," The entire room turned against Naruto.

Kakashi bursts through the door, "I forgot my book here last night."

"YOU'RE LATE!" Sakura and Naruto yelled at him.

"Is this seriously the best the Leaf can spare us!?" Temari's eye twitched.

Tsunade sighed, "I can assure you he's good, just a perverted twit like Jiraiya."

"Naruto," Sakura addressed her teammate, "Why didn't Ino come with you? Isn't she still leeching off of you."

Naruto rolled his eyes, "She has until the week's over or I get to strangle her. But actually she was already gone by the time I received the message; I think the Ino-Shika-Cho squad had some stuff going on today."

"Normally we would send another team, but we're short staffed; there is a team I have in mind to back you guys up but they won't likely be in the village for another day. Nevertheless, I intend to send them after you."

Tsunade swipes the book, , "Kakashi, you're leaving that here. We can't have you distracted like last time."

"But you still haven't told me what's going on?" Kakashi gave the Hokgake a single puppy dog eye.

"I'll explain on the way," the seething Temari cut in, these buffoons were taking forever.

"Don't worry sensei, I'm sure there will be an opportunity to die on this mission," Sakura informed him, instantly altering Kakashi's attitude.

"Really?" Kakashi now intrigued, "Well we best get a move on already!"

Naruto nearly fell over, some things never changed.

Kurama grins, "Yeah and you're still a complete idiot. "

"Good luck," Tsunade wished them and the squad headed outside.

"All right! My first mission in two years! LET'S GO!" Naruto tried to lead them out.

"Idiot, Suna is that way," Sakura grabbed him by the ear and spun him around. Secretly she too was very excited even though technically a member of team seven was missing. "CHAAA LET'S FUCKING GO!" Inner Sakura screeched.

"Oww…" He complained and Temari took off, the others following suite, Naruto the last.

A/N: Ah finally Shippuden! Sooo excited to dive into this hopefully our next update is a lot quicker. Til next time