AUTHORS NOTE: Second part, as I said previously this isn't going to be a regular thing, it's just these two chapters should be read together to get the whole picture of what happens as it was originally all one chapter which I split.
CHAPTER 19
As we walk towards the door it opens before us and Geoff is standing there looking anxious.
"Gideon" he says as we reach him, and he hesitantly holds open his arms.
I watch as Gideon pauses and then accepts the offering and walks into the open arms and returns his father's affection.
"Hi dad," he says quietly.
"Hello Eva" Geoff says smiling at me over Gideon's shoulder and I smile back and return the greeting. "You are early, I didn't expect you quite so soon" Geoff adds as Gideon pulls away.
"Yeah, we came straight from dropping Maisie off in case the motorway was bad, you know what the M6 can be like" I say with a shrug.
Geoff nods and steps aside and gestures for us to come in. Gideon pauses for a moment.
"Where is Uncle Hugh?" he asks, the fear evident in the tremor of his tone.
I watch Geoff smile reassuringly and he reaches out and touches Gideon's arm, "He's with your grandmother in the small sitting room, he knows and accepts you won't want to see him and how difficult today is going to be for you having to be near him. He is travelling to the funeral in his own car so that you won't have to share a funeral car with him and…" I see Gideon shake his head.
"No, granddad was his father he should ride with you and grandma, we will follow in my car" he says firmly.
I grip his hand and squeeze gently once again offering him my love and support and I feel him gently squeeze back and run his thumb over my knuckles. I can't believe how selfless and mature Gideon is being about all this, when seeing Hugh is clearly the last thing he wants to do. I couldn't see me being so selfless if I were put in his position, in fact I know I wouldn't - I wouldn't do it. But I can also see his reasoning for wanting to travel in his own car, that way he can escape if he feels the need to.
"Alright, if that is what you want" Geoff says after a moment's silence, and I think he too has realised and understands the hidden meaning behind Gideon's gesture.
"It is" Gideon replies with a decisive nod.
"Shall we go and sit down, and would you like anything to drink?" Geoff says, "We will be having some lunch before we go, and before you ask Hugh won't be there, but there will be no wake afterwards, your grandfather didn't like them so it seems hypocritical to hold one when it was something he personally despised" he adds.
Gideon nods, "I'd love a cup of tea" he says as he leads me into the large room which we occupied the last time we were here. "Do you want anything Angel?" Gideon says turning towards me.
"Yes please, a cup of tea would be nice" I say quietly.
We sit down and a moment later the door opens and I see Ursula, Gideon's grandmother. I stiffen as I remember our last encounter wasn't entirely positive despite her eventual grudging acceptance.
"Hello Gideon, Eva" she says and I am surprised at her polite acknowledgement, well that is an improvement on the last time we met!
"Grandma" Gideon says, immediately rising to his feet to greet her. I stay where I am but smile at her and offer a quiet hello.
She gestures to the sofa for Gideon to sit down again and she sits opposite us and she directs her attention towards me, Gideon immediately reaches for my hand and grips it tightly. I can feel myself getting ready to head off any more of the barbed comments I know that this woman is capable of making. I promised Gideon I wouldn't embarrass him today, but if she starts I am certain I won't be able to hold my tongue.
"I believe I owe you an apology for my disgraceful behaviour the last time we met" she says, which totally disarms me, leaving me speechless. I have no idea what to say to that. I am so stunned it takes me a moment to realise she is still talking.
"After you both left, Geoffrey, Elizabeth and I had a long talk, a lot was said – a lot of things I was unaware of or had a totally different perception of were made clear to me. I have also sat with Hugh and we have discussed many things openly for the first time and you both will be pleased to know he is now seeking assistance for the abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of my father. We are not a close family; we never have been and looking back I can now see that my attitude of not facing up to things which have occurred and sweeping the less savoury situations under the carpet for the sake of appearances was wrong and very damaging. I also realise now my husband was not the man I believed him to be and that he fed me lies throughout our marriage and kept me in the dark about a lot of his… personal activities. Elizabeth was treated appallingly by him because she dared to stand up to him and said no to him. Something I now realise I should have done as well, as I see our own relationship very differently now. All these revelations have come about because of you young lady, because you, like Elizabeth stood up to our family and said enough is enough". She pauses and smiles at me. Fucking hell she is smiling at me, I have no idea what to say to all that.
"Erm… well, I'm not sure…" I stammer, totally at a loss.
Gideon steps in at this point, "Thank you for that Grandma, Eva is a very special woman, and I consider myself a very lucky man. I am so thankful for that day I walked around that corner at the depot and crashed into her".
Ursula smiles and turns her attention towards Gideon, "Gideon, your uncle and I have talked and he has made it clear that he won't approach you today, and he understands now that you probably don't want anything to do with him… ever, he has come to a lot of realisations recently. But he asked me to give you this". Ursula holds out a small envelope and I feel Gideon freeze as he stares at it.
"What's that?" he asks stiffly.
"A letter of apology, but let me be clear Hugh doesn't ask for your forgiveness as he knows that is too much to ask as he now understands that what he did was totally unforgivable. But he just wanted you to know that he is truly sorry for everything he did to you and to Adam" she says.
Gideon hesitates and looks at me and I smile encouragingly at him, "Go on baby, you have nothing to lose by taking it and reading it" I urge.
Gideon nods and takes the letter and pushes it into his inside jacket pocket, "I'll read it later" he mutters. As he does this, Geoffrey appears with a tray of tea which he sets down on the small table.
"Gideon, we know how hard it is for you to be here today, knowing that your abuser is in the vicinity, and I can't thank you enough for being brave enough to come. Many people wouldn't have done so, so we have set in place a plan which hopefully will make today a little less distressing and uncomfortable for you" Geoff says carefully.
Gideon nods, "Ok" he replies. I can see he is uncomfortable just talking about this so I shuffle a little closer and rest my hand on his knee.
Geoffrey seems oblivious to Gideon's discomfort and carries on outlining the plan.
"Hugh is the other side of the house and will stay there for the entirety of the time you are here. When we have to leave for the funeral, he will leave first and get into the car so when you leave the house you won't have to see him. He has agreed to not follow the coffin into the church. He will stay in the car until we are all inside and seated and then he will come into the church and sit at the back. When the service comes to an end he will slip out before we all make our exit and get back into the car out of sight, when we reach the cemetery he will stay in the car until that part of the ceremony is complete and he will pay his graveside respects afterwards. You are, of course, free to leave at any point but I am hoping you decide to stay for the entirety of the service. Hopefully if all goes to plan you won't have to lay eyes on him and won't feel the need to have to go, so how do you feel about that?" He stops talking and looks at Gideon carefully, waiting for his response.
I look up at him, I am also waiting to see how he responds, to what appears to be something akin to a military operation rather than a funeral.
I see him thinking about everything and then after what seems like an eternity he finally speaks.
"The only reason I am here at all, is to support you dad… because you asked me to come. So as awful as it sounds, I am not here for granddad". He pauses and glances at Ursula before continuing. "Yes, he was your father and Uncle Hugh's father. Yes, he was my grandfather but he never behaved like one. I have seen Eva with her grandparents there is real love and affection there, I never felt that with granddad. I often wished as a child I had been born second so that I'd have a different name. I hold no affectionate memories of my grandfather, there is no bond there. I haven't even shed a tear over him, and since I have been made aware of his role in depriving me of a mother for most of my life there really isn't even basic respect for the dead anymore. So, taking all that into consideration no matter what Hugh did, he deserves to play a bigger part in the proceedings than what you have given him. I'll go along with the plan for the church ceremony as he will be there and he will be involved, but when we leave the church Eva and I will go. We have established I will be travelling in my own car so we will leave at that point and return to Stoke. We won't come to the cemetery" he says firmly.
Geoffrey nods "If that is what you want" he says carefully.
"It is" Gideon replies adamantly.
"Well, all I can say is thank you for taking the time to come and I am humbled that the reason you are here at all is because of me" Geoff says and I hear his voice crack with emotion as he says this.
"You're my dad, of course I would be here for you. We've had our differences over the years but I love you and I've come to realise a lot of things recently" Gideon says dismissively.
At that I see Geoff lurch towards Gideon and drag him to his feet and pull him into a bone crushing embrace. Gideon freezes momentarily and then accepts the affection.
"We are getting good at this hugging business" Gideon says wryly after a moment.
I smile at his comment and watch as Geoff gives a small chuckle.
"It's taken us long enough to master it, and we have Eva to thank that we finally have" Geoff says looking towards me now.
I feel myself going red, embarrassed at the credit and praise being heaped on me today.
oooOOOooo
(GIDEON)
My father was as good as his word, and his plan – complete with my alterations to it, went without a hitch and for the entire time we were in Manchester I didn't set eyes on Uncle Hugh once, which I am more than thankful for.
I didn't realise just how afraid I was of seeing him again. Yes I saw him briefly the week before when he turned up unannounced while I was with my father but then Eva handled everything and I was distracted by her overwhelming, brutal protection of me. Today was different though and I was very scared until that threat had been taken away from me, in fact I am only now totally letting the stress of the day go. I am surprised at the change in my family, no surprised is an understatement, astounded and shocked are better adjectives to describe the way that everyone is monumentally different now, so completely different from the closed up family I have lived with all my life and although Eva is clearly embarrassed by the credit she has been given, it is a fact that these changes have been brought about because of her. I am under no illusions though that this is only the start and we have a long road ahead of us, and I don't think I will ever want any relationship with my uncle.
We are now on our way back to Stoke, but the M6 at this moment is doing an impression of a car park and we are sitting stationary in silence, apart from the music coming from the car stereo. Eva has been my rock today; I couldn't have done this without her. I decide to tell her this.
"Angel" I whisper, and she turns to face me and smiles, my heart lurches at the sight of the loving smile she is giving me, before I can say anything more she speaks.
"It's a good job it wasn't like this, this morning" she says pointing out of the window at the lanes of vehicles.
I nod, "Angel, thank you for coming with me today" I say carefully.
I watch as she frowns slightly, "Where else would I be? You needed me to be there so I was there" she says dismissively.
I smile, she really has no idea of how much she means to me and how quickly she has become the most important person in my life.
"I wouldn't have got through today if you hadn't been there, I just needed you to know that" I say.
She reaches for me and squeezes my knee and I place my hand on top of hers.
"I love you Eva, you are everything to me" I say earnestly.
I watch as the familiar embarrassment fills her face in the form of a pink blush.
"You are, never underestimate or dismiss the feelings I have for you Eva" I say earnestly and I grip her hand tightly.
I see her swallow hard, "You know I love you too, it all happened so fast and that scared the shit out of me but you… you mean the world to me. I have no idea what I would do if you decided to leave me now, it would destroy me" she says quietly.
I shake my head firmly. "Never going to happen, you are mine and I am yours – this is forever Angel" I say staring at her, oblivious to everything else around me.
"Gideon" Eva says suddenly and she points. I look and see that the cars in front of us are now moving, slowly, but they are moving nonetheless.
As I concentrate on the slow-moving traffic, my mind goes to the unopened letter in my pocket from Uncle Hugh and as I think about it, it feels as though it is weighing down my inside pocket. It is an apology but now I am not sure I even want to read it. Things have improved so much with my dad, my grandmother has accepted that something was fundamentally wrong within the family and although I will never get over what happened to me and especially to my brother Adam I now accept that Uncle Hugh was also a victim in his own way, I don't condone anything he did as his heinous behaviour cost my brother his life, and nearly cost me mine but I realise that it is enough for me that he has now accepted that and is now seeking help. I realise in a rush I am no longer a victim. I am now a survivor; I went to the funeral of my grandfather knowing my abuser would be there. Yes, measures were put in place that I never laid eyes on him and I am grateful for that, and yes I was afraid but I went and now I am going home to be with my own family.
The traffic has once again ground to a halt and I take the opportunity to delve into my pocket for the letter. I fish it out and hand it to Eva who takes it from me and looks at me in surprise.
"Is this?" she begins looking at the letter in her hand.
I nod, "I have made a decision, I don't want to read it". Eva opens her mouth to say something but I jump in quickly and she closes her mouth again. "I don't want to read it because I don't need to; I don't need his apology and his repentance anymore; he is seeking help which tells me he really is sorry for what he did and more importantly he accepts responsibility for it and admits he did it. Something which he never did before and which caused more hurt than the actual abuse itself. My father believed me and got justice for me and for Adam. He has done his time in prison and he now accepts I don't want a relationship with him. So, what is the point in dragging it all up again? I would sooner look forward to the future now" I say firmly.
I look at Eva as I say this and she smiles proudly. "Are you sure?" she asks and I nod my head decisively, with that she simply rips it in half and in half again and gives me her brilliant smile.
"I am so proud of you" she states and once more my heart leaps at her words. She reaches for me and grips my knee, "but just so you know, I would've been there and supported you if you had decided to read it" she says.
I reach for her hand and grip it tightly, "I know you would, do you think I have made the right decision not reading it?" I ask.
Eva shrugs, "That's not down to me to answer as I can't answer it. You have clearly made peace with what happened to you in your own way and you feel it was the right decision for you so as your partner and the person who loves you, I respect that and support that decision" she says.
"What would you do if Nathan wrote to you?" I ask.
Eva snorts, "Not going to happen, he would never apologise as he doesn't believe he ever did anything wrong; he still believes it wasn't rape because I was his girlfriend and he still tries to make excuses for all his other unacceptable behaviour" she says, "fucking twat" she mutters under her breath a moment later almost as an afterthought. I squeeze her hand again.
"I'm sorry I mentioned him" I say.
Eva smiles brightly at me, "Don't be, he is irrelevant," she states.
Once more the traffic starts to move and I reluctantly pull my attention back to the road as we slowly start to move again. There is a comfortable reassuring silence between us after that until Eva suddenly shouts an exclamation and slaps her hand on the dashboard in front of her making me jump violently.
"Sorry" she says, immediately contrite at her outburst.
"Shit Eva I nearly had a heart attack then, what's wrong?" I ask.
I hear her giggle "I just remembered something, but with everything that's been going on with the funeral it totally slipped my mind. Sorry that was a slight over reaction there!" she pauses and grins wickedly at me, "Gran has invited us for Sunday dinner this weekend… you can say no if you don't want to go" she adds.
I smile widely, I love spending time with Eva's family and the idea of sitting around the table eating Sunday lunch and chatting with them is appealing, "Of course I want to go" I say enthusiastically "You know I love spending time with your family".
"You'll soon get sick of them" she retorts.
"No I won't" I argue, "You seem to spend a lot of time with your gran, do you spend much time with your mum and stepfather?"
Eva nods, "I do, not as much as Gran, you see she takes care of Maisie for me, but I spend time with my mum, not as much as I would like as we both work and she has her hands full with my brothers, but our relationship isn't the usual mum/daughter relationship she's more like my best friend rather than a mum. If I want advice or anything I tend to turn to gran rather than my mum," she says. She hesitates a moment and puts her head down, "Plus, and this is going to sound really bad… but mum is… I don't know… immature, no that's unfair but sometimes she doesn't make good decisions. I know that sounds more than a bit hypocritical coming from me after some of the decisions I've made in my life. She's better than she used to be but Gran is solid, dependable and you always know you are going to get good advice if you ask her, do you get what I mean?" she looks at me questioningly and I nod.
"I understand totally. Do you spend any time with your brothers at all?" I ask, the memory of them rushing at her and hugging her when we went for Tez's party invading my mind.
Eva shrugs, "Mainly Dec because he comes to play with Maisie, because they are so close in age. I don't have much to do with Reece but to be fair he's 9 – I mean I'm 10 years older than him and so he spends most of his time playing football with his mates. But he will drop by from time to time, but Kyle comes around quite a bit. He'll drop by for a chat and a drink when I'm not at work and he's not at school and we text each other and sometimes he'll babysit Maisie for me if Gran can't do it - I have to pay him though. He won't do it for free like Gran" she says, she gives a little snort, "You always know when he wants a new game or something, because he'll text me asking if I want him to babysit, he's so predictable".
"You really love your brothers?" I ask knowing the answer before she replies.
She looks at me, "Yeah of course I do, I mean they're great kids even Dec who can be a complete pain in the arse, and they are all so different personality wise. Dec is like fucking Taz – you know that Tasmanian devil cartoon?! He can't help it though he's got that ADHD thing, and he's just hyperactive. The only thing that seems to hold his attention and calm him down is Kyle's X box, then you've got Reece who is so laid back and chilled he is practically horizontal, nothing bothers him and he lives and breathes football… well they all like the football but Reece is obsessed with it, that is his thing. Vic takes them as a treat when it's their birthday to see Stoke play, you know one to one time".
"He doesn't take them all to a match together?" I ask.
Eva puts her head down, "No, it's too expensive" she says and I could kick myself for asking, but before I can apologise she is talking again.
"Then you've got Kyle, he's a loner. I worry a bit about him to be honest, he always seems to have the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he never really seems to have many friends… I mean don't get me wrong he has friends but there aren't that many of them, he's the one I'm closest to as he makes the effort to come around and see me, and when I go around to mum's he will always make a point of having a chat, and you saw when we went to granddads party he was the first to come and give me a hug. Reece will give me a hug but I always get the impression with him he doesn't really want to, but Kyle doesn't give a shit, he will give me a hug and doesn't care who sees him do it. Which you have to admit is a bit rare for a boy his age". She pauses and as she does so I jump in with a question.
"How old is Kyle again?" I ask as I rack my brains trying to remember.
"He's eleven, when they went back to school after the summer holidays he started at the local comp, Dec and Reece go to the same primary school as Maisie" she says.
"What is he into?" I ask.
Eva smiles, "Well he likes the football, but he's not as obsessed with it as Reece, he likes playing computer games, mum and Vic got him an X Box for Christmas a couple of years ago and he loves it, but he has to share it with Dec and Reece, now Reece isn't bothered and rarely goes on it, but as I said it seems to calm Dec down. Apart from that he draws and he's good, he's very artistic, he loves drawing and he likes photography. When Vic got a new phone, he gave his old one to Kyle and he takes some cracking pictures on it, he has a good eye". She pauses a moment, as if she is remembering something, "perhaps you could take a look at his stuff and give him some pointers, I remember you told Vic and granddad you were into photography at granddads party... if you want to, you don't have to" she says.
"I'd love to, but only if he wants to. I don't want to force him into doing anything he doesn't want to do, after all I'm essentially a stranger to him" I say.
Eva shakes her head, "Well, if we are a permanent thing you need to get to know my brothers, don't you?!"
As I listen to Eva talking about her brothers I can hear the love in her voice.
"And Maisie is a reader" I say with a smile as I think about Eva's little girl.
Eva snorts, "Yeah proper bookworm is our Maisie!" she says.
"Will your mother, stepfather and brothers be there on Sunday?" I ask.
Eva nods, "Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. I know not many people have sit down Sunday dinners nowadays but gran insists on it once or twice a month, she doesn't do it every week as it would be too much. I mean it's her who does everything, because mum is rubbish, she wouldn't know where to start with a Sunday dinner! So she contributes the pudding, normally something readymade she picks up from work which you only have to thaw out or heat up but the thought is there" she says.
I listen to her talking fondly about her family and I know that despite the fact the area where she lives isn't the best she wouldn't want to move too far away from them. This train of thought forcibly reminds me of the properties I have been looking at in the area since I made the decision to sell my flat and relocate permanently to Stoke. I take a deep breath and tell Eva of what I've found.
"I also have something to tell you" I say hesitantly.
"Oh yes?" she says immediately on alert.
"Yes, I've seen a couple of properties I am interested in looking at and I was wondering if you would like to come and view them with me? I have a buyer for my flat in Manchester already so there is no reason to delay, but I would like you to see them as I am hoping you will be moving in with me with Maisie one day and I want you to like it and be happy" I say.
I see Eva looking down at her fingers and a fission of worry hurtles through me.
"Eva?" I push.
"Everything is happening so fast" she mutters, "I know I keep saying that, but it is" she adds.
I reach across and grasp her fidgeting fingers in my hand, "Eva, I love you and I love Maisie. You love me, yes everything has happened quickly but we have both said this is forever. I don't want to take you away from your family, but I do eventually want to take you away from Primrose Hill. Those flats you live in are no place to bring up a child, you and Maisie deserve more than that and I am looking at the future, our future. I want to be with you Eva… in the long term if you want it. I want to marry you, I want to adopt Maisie as my own and if you want to I want us to have children of our own as well, give Maisie a little brother or sister and there is no way I want my children and yes that includes Maisie to grow up on Primrose Hill".
I see Eva's eyes widen at this and I squeeze her hand reassuringly.
"This is all plans for the future Eva… our future, and I don't want you to feel rushed or pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. I'm just being honest with you and laying out how I see our future, a future I never thought I would have". I pause wondering if I should tell her the other thing related to this. I decide to go for it.
"Also, the properties I am looking at, that I am interested in aren't flats, they are houses. Houses Eva, with gardens… just think about it, a garden where Maisie can play safely. Where Declan can run riot when he comes to visit and all the properties I am considering are close enough to your family that you won't feel pulled away from them or isolated. The one which I am favouring is only a 10 minute walk from Primrose Hill, and the catchment is the same primary school so Maisie wouldn't have to move or be disrupted… just think about it Angel. You don't have to decide anything or do anything you feel uncomfortable with, but just think about it" I say earnestly, hoping that she believes me.
"How can you afford a house?" Eva asks.
I sigh, I was expecting this, "My father is helping with that, we have been talking this week and I outlined my plans and he offered to pay for it outright, but I refused that as with the money I get from the flat along with a reasonably large chunk of my savings I will be able to afford a house outright as a cash buyer, but my father insisted and so he is going to make a contribution as well. He has offered to pay all the legal fees" I say.
I wait, I keep taking a shot look at Eva and see she is thinking things over, the silence stretches out between us and I don't say anything, I wait for her to speak.
"Can I think about it?" she asks eventually. I sag with relief at that, as that's not a no, that's not an I'm not doing that, that is a let me think about this and I will give her all the time in the world.
"Of course you can, I wouldn't expect any different" I say.
There is another silence then she speaks again.
"You want to adopt Maisie? You want to be her dad?" she asks.
I nod, "I do, that little girl has seen things no child should ever see. I'm not blaming you Eva, you were in an impossible situation, and you protected her as best you could, but I want her to feel safe and secure. I want her to be able to play outside without finding used drugs needles, and broken glass, I want her to know that she not only has a mum who loves her but also a dad who she doesn't have to run and hide from, a dad who would never hurt her or frighten her, because she deserves that and I want to be that dad for her" I say.
"Will Nathan be involved… in the decision I mean?" Eva asks, "I mean I couldn't care less if Nathan never contacted us again, Maisie is better off without him in her life" she quickly adds.
I hesitate, do I tell her what I have found out, and show my hand that I have been researching this? I quickly decide to do so.
"That depends, if he is named as her father on her birth certificate then legally he has to be informed so he can give his permission for me to adopt her and for him to relinquish his parental rights or not, if he refuses then that would involve a court case where everything would be laid out, his violence, drug use etc and how Maisie was under the watch of Social Services because of him. However, if he isn't named on her birth certificate as her father, then he has no rights and he has no say and the process should be fairly straight forward" I say.
Eva nods, "He isn't on her birth certificate, when I made the appointment to register her after she was born, he never turned up for it and because he wasn't there at the time I wasn't allowed to name him as her father and he couldn't go on her birth certificate, because you can't name a man unless he is there to verify it. I never pushed it as he doesn't deserve any say, he has been no father to her" she says bitterly. She looks up at me once more and bites her lip she clearly has more she wants to say.
"You want to have kids with me?" she asks nervously.
I nod, "I do, very much so, but not any time soon. You are still very young, you are only nineteen years old, but at some point in the future when you have realised all your dreams and ambitions I would love to have a baby with you" I say.
She looks across at me, "Can I think about it, all of it. I promise I will think carefully about this, but it's not just me, this involves Maisie and I want to be sure. So, I don't want to say anything about any of this to her at the moment, till I've had chance to sort through it all in my mind" she says.
I nod, "That's absolutely fine" I say, I'm just happy and relieved that she hasn't dismissed me and shut me down immediately. I will wait as long as it takes for her to feel comfortable about this.