BH: Sorry for the late update! More than ANY other chapter, I needed this one to be its utmost best. Q n Q
Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics to "Home" by Cavetown, which have been used again in a scene down below.
Update: I had an epithet but I got rid of it, cuz I wasn't agreeing with it anymore. Might be more sporadic with em from here on out, unless I happen to find good n happy lyrics that fit.
21 Days
Chapter Eighteen, I've Learned To Lose You
All of the second years stood outside a row of glossy silver charter buses, luggage and backpacks in hand to prepare them for the following week ahead.
Class 2-C already filed in the back half. Fourteen-year-old Naruto sidles through the aisle with a rucksack on his back, and it's the unfamiliar eyes of the other class that feels like a forcefield pushing against him. The deeper he goes in, the stronger it becomes.
But then he spots a pretty face.
He's seen her at the Sports Festival and occasionally in the Infirmary, but they've never spoken.
She's got a strawberry blonde pixie cut, round gray eyes and peach skin. She's not staring at him like all the others, and her seat is free too. Nothing about her seems cold or unwelcoming and he decides to take this chance, because he'd really like to get to know her.
When he puts his rucksack in the overhead bin and boldly claims the empty spot beside her, she eyes him with a wry smirk and he grins back.
"You're the girl whose team won the chicken fight."
"And you're the kid who fell off the human pyramid."
Yes. Yes, he did.
Forty minutes into the bus ride and Naruto had the attention of the entire center of the bus, three rows ahead and back, as if he were the life of the party.
Naruto badgered the sullen Sasuke with incessant ribbing, and Sasuke insulted him back. Sakura began to yell at them both, and Shikamaru cut in with smartass remarks.
All the while, the pixie girl from 2-C was giggling and playing along. Some of her classmates joined in, too.
This is what he lived for.
That feeling that he can do anything. That complete strangers become his new friends because he's just that good.
He's his father's son, after all.
But four rows ahead is a head of dark all by her lonesome. She's got headphones on. She's probably reading a book as always.
And yet, a pit of guilt settles in his stomach.
He should've held a seat for her, so that she could be a part of their fun.
He thinks about making it up to her during the trip.
She won't have one second of loneliness all week because of him.
Thirty minutes later and they all make a pit-stop.
The kids pee and buy snacks, then the teachers corral them back towards the buses.
"What'd you get?" The pixie girl asked as she walked up the bus steps behind him.
He showed her his package of instant ramen, which he has already crushed and seasoned.
She laughs while her face wrinkles and her tongue sticks out.
"What about you?" He asks.
She shows him her trove of candies inside her shopping bag.
"I'll share them with you." She grins.
She takes her seat and he takes his beside her.
Naruto's friends file in. Then there's Hinata with her lost stare. She's got a secret world in that head of hers. He's experienced glimpses but has not been allowed further in.
It's frustrating, but he's patient.
He's got five more years here, after all.
The pixie girl shares a caramel-creme rope with him when he notices three faces that don't belong on their bus heading towards Hinata.
Naruto cusses as he practically falls into the aisle in his hurry.
"'Scuse me guys, 'scuse." He mutters, pushing his way through.
He fixes his glare on her bullies. He's storming the aisle like a beast of vengeance and he sees the color drain from their faces, their eyes widening in horror.
They retreat for the front of the bus, but it's not enough to satisfy him. They'll find ways to bother her while he's not looking.
So he takes the empty spot beside her. He plops down so abruptly that he sends her an inch up in the air.
Hinata turns to him, her face bright pink. He grins at her and she snaps away.
She doesn't have a book on her lap, instead it's her MD player. She hasn't put her headphones back on, either.
She scratches the plastic edge with her thumb, pointedly not looking at him.
All the kids are seated.
The bus door closes and they pull out of the pit stop onto the highway.
He steals a glance. He really likes how her hair is growing out, how grazes her shoulders and frames her face. Her lips look like two slices of pink lemons, and just as juicy. He's not properly acquainted with her mouth, but he thinks about it.
And he wonders if she thinks about it, too.
He kinda likes that she dresses like this. Always comfy, like she's going to go to sleep at any moment. Despite knowing her silhouette rather intimately thanks to swim class, he can't help but feel enticed by the mystery of her figure beneath.
He laces his fingers behind his head and grins at her.
"Hey, y'know, I don't actually know what kind of music you like, Hinata-chan."
She shook her head, chin tucked to her neck. "I,I don't know either."
Naruto rears back a little. "Eh?"
"I,I k,kinda listen t,to anything…"
Naruto chuckled. "Really? Hey, can I listen?"
She nods, still not looking at him. Instead of putting them on, he held it in between them.
Hinata hesitated greatly. Perhaps this felt too public for her. Even their teachers were within earshot.
She finally pressed the play button.
As music drifted out of the foam covers, Naruto leaned in closer, and Hinata did the same.
There was a ukulele, gentle and sweet and no small amount forlorn. Just like the singer's voice.
"Are you tired of me yet?
I'm a little sick right now,
But I swear,
When I'm ready I will fly us out of here."
A ghostly harmony entered the background, punctuating the pauses in between lyrics.
"I'll cut my hair...
To make you stare...
I'll hide my chest,
And I'll figure out a way to get us out of here."
Words by words their shoulders sank against one other, their warmth fusing them together like two unrelated pieces sliding into place.
Gazing at the immaculate porcelain of her soft hands in her lap, he thought their hands should do the same.
Naruto looked out the window.
His eyes widened at the corners of dilapidated buildings poking out from beneath the overgrowth of vines and trees.
Several feet down below from the highway appeared to be a little old village.
"Hey, think it's abandoned?" He whispered.
Hinata nodded.
Naruto moved closer to the window before the scene swept away, unconsciously pinning Hinata to the side of the bus.
"Hey, d'ya know how much farther we are from the Forest Park?" When she didn't answer him, he leaned forward to catch a look at her face. Her bright pink face and frozen, wide eyes stared back at him. She really made the cutest expressions. Out of all the girls so far, her faces were the best.
"W,W,Why?"
Naruto checked the seat to his right. He then popped up like a meerkat to see if any teachers at the front were paying attention.
He then dropped down and ducked in close to her, a conspiratorially gleam in his eye.
"Because it'd be fun if we could sneak over here after curfew and check out all the empty houses."
Hinata frowned in disapproval.
"You understand why they become empty, don't you?"
Naruto whipped his head side to side.
"No, why?"
"Because the kids left for the city and never came back. In every empty house, someone's parents and grandparents has passed away in their sleep."
Naruto pulled away, then slouched in the seat, as if contrition had two strong hands pushing him down by his shoulders.
"Oh… My bad."
"I,I'd much rather visit an abandoned firehouse."
Naruto perked up, finding her gently smiling back at him. Encouraged, he grinned back brightly.
"How about a creepy hospital?"
A rare, mischievous glint entered her eye.
"N,Nothing creepier than a,an old school in disrepair."
Giddy, a sly grin split across his face.
"Okay, what're we going for here? Every apocalypse movie cliché?"
"N,Not until we f,find an abandoned strip mall."
Naruto's fists shot up. "Yes! No, wait! An amusement park! One that still works!"
Her eyes sparkled as she giggled. "I,It'd be the end of the w,world if we g,got stuck on a ferris wh,wheel, with no staff to help us d,down."
His eyes briefly roamed from the hem of her fluffy teddy bear sweater up to her full pink lips, and his body warmed at the scenario she offered him.
Because to him, that wouldn't be the end of the world, at all.
His fantasy is popped when she looks away, and he suddenly remembers the caramel-creme rope in his other hand.
He held it out towards her.
"Want half?"
Wrong.
"WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!"
The way he shouted at her, like it were intuitive self-defense against a lethal attack, it rings back.
Because as she edges towards the semi-circle booth he's sitting in, perched on the right end, she can't help the creeping shame, the self-doubt.
Because for a time she felt right, that she had every right to feel what she felt and to tell him off and fight… but that's gone now.
In the aftermath, she had tried to feel okay. She thought she was. She consoled him even though she had exhausted herself on him already, and she realized she didn't feel like dying in some manner. She thought to do something so uncharacteristic towards him would break her.
It didn't.
But it still might.
The delay has run out, and her tendency to regret is catching up to her.
She thinks now that she was never in the right, after all.
Hinata stops short when a waitress approaches him and takes his order. She watches them talk. He's not smiling nor is there that gleam in his eyes when he's fascinated by a new beauty.
No, of course he wouldn't bother with a little admiration, a little banter.
She took his self-confidence away.
The waitress bows a little and takes her leave.
Hinata takes in a deep breath and continues forward.
Naruto is pushing his coaster around in a small, random pattern when she takes the left edge of the booth.
"I ordered two pitchers." He said monotonously.
She nodded. She began to pick at her fingernails.
She couldn't look at him.
It was insensitive to hug him from behind when they were only temporary. She felt awful for him and she reacted impulsively. She shouldn't have.
It was insensitive to say she told him everything, only to tell him essentially nothing. It made sense at the time. It makes no sense to her now.
She painted a one-sided picture where he was only a nuisance in her life, and it wasn't right.
He scares her too, and it's not fair that she comes out on top, even if it feels like for the first time in her life.
True fairness should not be give and take, but instead should see that they both benefit.
He was always good to her. Often to an extent that she never deserved. She focused on the nitty gritty things he has no control over. She's made these things his problem.
He always thought he was good to her, too.
Rather than call her ungrateful, he believes her slander.
Fully.
The waitress returns, setting down two pitchers of golden beer and two pint glasses.
She presses the tray to her lap, smiling.
"Anything to order?"
Hinata straightened up, her gaze falling over to the bincho charcoal grill in the center of the Izakaya. It was lined by the bar which wrapped around it in a horseshoe shape.
Hinata then peeked in Naruto's direction.
He was pouring their glasses.
"We have a special on our yakitori, five mixed pieces." The waitress offered.
"Yes, two please." Hinata said.
The waitress bowed and left.
Hinata released the breath she was holding. Naruto had pushed her glass in her direction, and he was halfway through his own glass.
She grabbed her glass and decided to follow his lead. Pressing the cold rim to her lips, she tipped her head back and let the biting foam fill her mouth and drown the ache rattling her chest.
The smell of the hops fills her sinuses, and once she sets down her empty glass, she feels a layer of anxiety fizz away. It's miniscule, but for a moment it's enough.
Naruto is studying his thoughts along the surface of his empty glass, pale foam sticking to the side facing him.
She never wanted to make him feel like he's objectively inferior as a person. Because that's how she's felt most of her life. But unlike him, she's gotten used to it. Unlike him, she's got the last couple years trying to tell herself otherwise.
She can't send him off to basic training in this state.
She'd never forgive herself if he lacked the concentration and his characteristic tenacity to make it through.
Hinata wracked her brain, trying to figure out how to restore his smile and self-confidence.
The waitress returned with two small black rectangular plates, five small skewers on each. She sets them down, displaying the glistening, charcoal-singed pieces of meat. The scent stirred her hunger, but the pieces looked rather unfamiliar to her.
The waitress then left to make her rounds once more.
Hinata grabbed her plate and slid it closer towards herself.
She heard an empty chuckle from Naruto.
"You didn't ask her what the special was."
Hinata narrowed her eyes at him. Naruto stood halfway and pointed at each skewer on her plate.
"Look, they even arranged it from creamiest to crunchiest. You got: liver, heart, neck, gizzard, and knee cartilage. Haven't you had proper yakitori before?"
The offal is considered 'proper'?
He must've read her based on her scrunched nose.
"The whole chicken, that's what yakitori is all about."
She smiled up at him and that caused him to sit back down quickly. She dropped her gaze, feeling a little disappointed now, as she reached for the row of bright red liver, which appeared glazed.
He said she scares the shit out of him. Now it seems like he really does fear her.
For a moment he was himself, and she imagined he was grateful when their food arrived. He had something to talk about, even if it was superficial.
Hinata eyed the other patrons around the bar. The other booths like theirs were filled with friendly groups, some office workers half-dressed in their suits, the men's ties loosened from their necks. Around the bar were singles and couples, if their body language were any indication.
Hinata tapped her forefinger absently along the rim of her fourth pint. When she glanced back in his direction, he was hunched over his pint glass, crestfallen and conflicted.
Oh no, did she come off as bored to him?!
Hinata moved her hands into her lap and straightened herself up, and she caught his unsure glance, finding that some of his discomfort had lifted.
Until the only middle ground she could up with was this: "Th,The waitress is v,very pretty, isn't she?"
Naruto stared at her like she had just admitted to a murder.
"Huh?"
Hinata squirmed.
"Y,You don't think so?"
Same thing, but stronger.
"HUH?"
Hinata gripped the table and lifted halfway out of the booth.
"I,If you'd like, I,I can step out for a moment…" She couldn't finish that sentence. Naruto looked thoroughly insulted and she sat her little awkward ass back down.
Slack jaw and eyebrows so high they could leave his forehead, he absolutely would not stop staring. "I'm gonna pretend you never said anything, okay?"
She burned from the neck up. "I,It's Naruto-kun's… past time…"
Naruto sat back, blinking rapidly in disbelief.
"In the amount of time we've been hanging out together, when have I looked at another woman? When?"
Hinata shrank down a little.
"I,I'm simply t,telling you that i,it's okay…"
Naruto abruptly sat forward, his elbows on the edge and his head in his hands. His stiff shoulders told her he was pissed.
"What the fuck…" He muttered below his breath, his palms running down the length of his face.
He reached for the pitcher and began to refill his glass.
He gulped down its contents and scrutinized her angrily.
"You're fucking guilty right now, aren't you? You're trying to make up for the fact that you'll never date me? Trying to help me rebound because we're such good friends? It's not enough to friendzone me, you gotta dig a fucking moat around just to make sure I understand. Well, I understand! And I don't need your fucking help like that!"
Several eyes darted in their direction, and Hinata shrank further.
"I'm sorry." She murmured in a rush, picking at her nails in her lap.
Naruto tsked and glared towards the wall to his left.
Strike One for Hyuuga Hinata.
"Naruto-kun, that wasn't m,my intention," She attempted to re-establish their delicate truce. "Y,Yes, I feel bad. Wh,What I believe is… is that just because of me… i,it sh,shouldn't be seen as the end of the world."
He spared her an irritated glance before looking away.
"'End of the world'..." He muttered to himself, tsking again at the end.
Suddenly his expression softened, his gaze far away, as if he had recalled a fond memory.
For a moment his eyes looked wet.
A single blink cleared that right up.
What had he remembered?
"Naruto-kun, whatever it is you need to say, I'll listen. F,For now, don't worry about what I may think of you."
His gaze darts from side to side, as if he's considering her offer. But then his expression screws up.
"... No, s'okay. I'll be good to go after a few more."
He reaches for the pitcher.
His sixth pint turns into his seventh, and his seventh into his eighth over the course of forty minutes and she's watching him fight against the alcohol which wants to reduce him to an incognizant flesh puddle.
"We don't have to play pretend," She tells him solemnly. "There's no point. You're terrible at hiding things from me, plus I'd never ask you to do anything that was detrimental to your emotional health."
He narrows his eyes at her and she doesn't know if he's scrutinizing her sincerity or if he's having trouble focusing.
"'My emotional health'?"
"Yes?"
"Right. 'Cuz 'parently I don't know what's truly best for you, but you know exactly what I need, huh?"
If by 'good to go' he meant 'happier', then his best intentions have instantly backfired.
She should've advised him that wouldn't work, because she knows tipsy men, she knows drunk men, and she knows what they're especially like when they're smashed.
The trajectory of their baseline emotion always skyrockets.
The happy ones get happier, and the sad ones get sadder. It's actually the generally dissatisfied ones she had learned to be wary of, for they put on a strong front only to fall apart into a volatile mess. One even tried to propose to her (on his hands and knees in a fit of hysterics, by the way), and she had to politely remind him that he would regret that decision in the morning.
Just another thing that proved to her that marriage is a status symbol in order to fit into society's ideas of success.
"Naruto-kun-"
He palmed his face as he reclined in the booth, slouching so far down his head barely buoyed above the edge of the table. "Am I too immature for you?"
Hinata stilled.
"You're still here with me, but why? As nice as you are to me, is there any love in it? Even if it's just platonic? Isn't your main MO guilt? You only feel bad for me. You… You're good at solitude. You're good at selectively not giving any fucks. You can stop giving a fuck about me right now, but you need to clear your conscience first. I just don't see how…"
The alcohol has effectively dissolved the already flimsy filter in his brain, and she can't keep up with this emotional vomit.
Her fingers curl into tight fists, white knuckled with her nails biting into her palm, and she's forcing herself to keep it together while he goes on and on.
"... You tell me not to worry about what you think, and that's the thing though, y'know? I can't stop worrying. I can't stop looking back and wonder how many times did you secretly judge me? At what point did you start to look down on me? And is there even any point moving forward? With you, I've always been myself and even at the hotel, you said not to hold back-"
"Relationship!" She blurted out, before the tightening coil of his words around her body threatened to squeeze her of her last breath. "I,I,I feel like you… th,that you already know what you want out of life. I feel like you… even know where you want to be buried at the end of it all."
He nodded. "Dai Hinoku Veterans Memorial Park, right there by my dad's dad. I mean, not before my dad… hopefully…" He mumbled at the end.
She doesn't want to think about that.
He'll be fine. He'll be great.
"... I sort of envy that," She said, looking down. "I don't know what I want. At all."
Naruto sighed at length as his hands slipped from his face to his sides. Spacing out for a beat, he then sat up and reached for his glass. "Yeah, I know. And yet, you seem to know full well what you don't want," He downed the rest in five gulps. They were out of beer now and he looked lost without it. He peered up at her. "You sure I'm not too immature for you?"
She wishes he would stop. That particular question makes her flinch. "Naruto-kun-"
"I'm not asking you out, okay?! I just wanna know if I ever get the real you! I wanna what you genuinely care about! It's so fucked up to leave an' come back an' find out you didn't really miss me at all!"
Her throat tightened. Her eyes burned.
The bar was a bad idea.
This wasn't giving them the soft restart she was expecting.
"Hold on-"
"I mean, after all the things you said, cuz you had to have been holding that inside for a looong time. I mean, you call that 'annoyed', but if that's 'annoyed Hinata', then what the fuck is 'angry Hinata'? You don't fuck with people who do worse shit than me, but I like you hard and that's what I get?"
She can't believe that for a second. He doesn't like her beyond an idea and the advantage of familiarity. He doesn't know love apart from lust, and lust apart from infatuation. It's sad, but she's sure it's true.
There's no reconciliation to be had. He's still bringing up old points because he wants what he wants.
Why should she fall over herself for an unsure thing?
He'll get bored of her. It's the challenge and the denial that's keeping him interested.
It's not her intention to do this to him. She just keeps hoping this can end happily enough for them both if she sticks it out with him long enough.
But does she think he's immature?
She's already thought it.
But she never has to say it.
It doesn't matter, anyways.
A few flaws here and there don't matter.
That is, until I get 'annoyed' again. Shame is pushing her down, but she's caught in his headlights and she can't look away from the oncoming collision.
"But no, that's what I get," He says with a limp shrug as he slouches down in the booth again. "'Cuz you come out an' say I do all this shady shit an' it fucks with your sense of principle an' whatever, an' then you say I didn't do anything at all…" His indignance evaporates, leaving only a somber man behind, his flat gaze stuck to the ceiling. "The only thing I can come up with is that… you're telling me the truth."
Hinata feels like the carbon monoxide of his ranting has finally cleared and she can breathe fresh air again.
But he wasn't done yet.
"Which means, you outgrew me. Right?"
No, wait… No. No, that can't be right.
Denial squeezes her inside a tight glass box. The world goes mute, and she's attempting to protect herself as she always does.
He's still staring up at the ceiling. As if he's not expecting much of an answer from her.
She utters his name but he doesn't look at her. Her own voice fails to make it to her ears and she wonders if she had spoken at all.
She tries again, but she just emits a strange sound, caught somewhere between incredulity and despair.
Outgrowing means… losing relevance.
No.
She still loves him.
She still loves him.
Even if they don't want the same things right now.
Even if sex and pettiness has corrupted their friendship beyond recognition.
Even if the end of their roads don't meet, she'll still love him.
She doesn't need all the trappings and expectations of romance to love him. She can simply think of him and wish for his well-being and happiness.
Her stunned silence is inconsequential. He continues speaking, and his voice breaks towards the end.
"When I see the 'you' that you're trying to be, I realize there's no room for me beside you… when I try to keep you close, it doesn't feel right to you, does it? You redouble the distance, and it feels… it feels…" His eyes squeezed shut. "And earlier… seeing you stand up to me, I,I thought… 'Oh my god, I don't know how to keep this person'. I thought 'There's nothing I can do. This is how it is. She doesn't need me'."
"You shouldn't settle for someone who needs you." She says, like it were a reflex.
He lays there, silent and still, staring off into the distance, and she knows her words went through one ear and out the other.
"Think settling's gonna be better than being alone. But maybe that's just me." He shrugged dispassionately.
Hinata sank back in the booth, lightheaded and weak.
This isn't what she wants for him.
Her limp hands drew her attention. She studied the immaculate edges of her nails, of the soft lines along her palms.
There has to be a way… There has to be a way for this to end okay…
Nothing's coming to her.
She's facing a cement wall a mile a high. Where it ends and where it begins is impossible to discern. Perhaps she's been walking in circles up until now. Perhaps she's always been in fenced in, bound to discover that her growth was always a pretty illusion.
She can be strong on her own. She can be all alone. She can live on couches and accumulate wealth on her own terms. She can shun disappointment by shunning love.
And she can pretend she lived a successful life. That she never knew strife nor pain.
And Naruto would always judge her from afar.
He would always be disappointed in her.
He would always blame himself.
Naruto perked up, eyes wide. He shifted upright, his face drenched in worry. "Hey… Hinata-chan…"
He bumped into the table as he hurried out of the booth.
She shrank away upon his approach.
"Hinata-chan… Do you want to go cry in the bathroom?" He whispered.
She shakes her head, but his big, warm hand rests against her back, the other gently gripping her shoulder, and he coaxes her to stand. "C'mon, hide behind me. I won't let anyone see you."
She doesn't know where she's going. The world is glassy and distorted, his hands are steady and his shadow constant. She knows he's keeping his word.
And it breaks her all the same.
The warm, dim lighting falls away as he leads her into the corridor where the restrooms are.
She can barely walk on her own and yet she had drank the least.
How embarrassing.
He pushes the womens door open and ushers her inside, and she's so uncomfortable with everything.
It's a single use restroom. The toilet is in the right corner, the sink and mirror is up ahead, and the muted face on his reflection is all that she can see.
He's got bigger and better things to do in life.
Her journey isn't meant to be his problem.
But he'll carry a hurt far worse than she ever imagined if she keeps this up.
He stands for a moment.
Then he enters the restroom, closing the door behind him. He locks it.
He reaches for her, hands around her upper arms and he turns her, but she keeps her face firmly away.
His fingertips brush against her face. He wants to see her but she resists. She can't keep it together. He isn't helping her keep it together.
"Hinata-chan…"
He cups her face and tilts her head back, and the tears flow faster, uncontrollable, because in the dull, dingy green of the restroom light, his eyes are still the purest blue, and she can't take back the burden she's given him.
She can't give him back his innocence.
"I'm sorry," He said. "I said too much. I'm sorry, Hinata. I want you to be happy, y'know? I swear I do-"
The more he talks, the more she drowns. He can be so acerbic and blunt, so sweet and so patient; no matter which Naruto-kun he is to her, she's weak for him all the same.
"Th,Th,There's no point," She cuts off his rambling. "I,If getting better m,makes you lonely… th,then what's the p,point?"
Even through her glassy tears, she knows he's staring at her. She sees his wide eyes. His hands are frozen around her face.
Doesn't he agree?
Isn't he fighting back against the urge to agree?
It's okay.
She secretly knows this world is rigged against her.
It's better when she does nothing at all, because if she genuinely does anything, then she's just asking to be fucked over.
Naruto isn't saying anything.
Why isn't he saying anything?
The silver charter buses took them to their inexpensive lodgings; a two-story motel no older than five years since its construction just outside the western forest park.
There was no sneaking out to check out an abandoned village. But there was sneaking out to hang at the picnic area, with snacks and scenery.
Even after a whole day of sticking close to Hinata, he felt more restless than usual. He just couldn't talk about the kinds of things he wanted to while everyone else was around.
He imagined she feels the same way. He doesn't know whether to admire her quiet ways or feel sad for them.
It practically physically hurts him to keep all his thoughts and feelings inside. He just can't picture what she's keeping inside.
He breaks out into a huge grin when he sees her sitting at one of the picnic tables, reading one of her books with a pen light, and he sprints the rest of the way.
She looks up when he arrives, out of breath, his hands on his knees.
"I… I got more candy." He gasps, holding out a plastic shopping bag of goodies.
"I have flavored milk."
Naruto's head lifted, eyes sparkling with excitement.
"Melon?"
Hinata nodded, her chin tucking in slightly.
"Too bad I don't have a speaker." Naruto said as he watched the stars with her, sharing her headphones just like before.
"We'd get caught if we did." She said, sidling in closer. She tilted her head towards her half of the headphones. She's almost resting her head against his shoulder, and he can't feel the growing chill of night no more.
His body warmed up to his face as he idly kicked his legs.
The night sky really was amazing. He'd forgotten it could look like this, like millions of glittering fireflies frozen against a smoky background. Even if the world ended, all those stars would remain.
In fact, if the stars blinked and the earth was gone, they'd probably wonder if anything had been there at all.
He thinks back to their pretend scenario on the bus ride.
"Hey, if the world was ending, where would you be?"
Hinata hummed in thought. "In a bunker?"
Naruto chuckled. "That's where you should be, but where would you want to be?"
"Somewhere u,up high, I think." Her voice grows smaller word by word.
"To escape it?"
"N,No… t,to watch it…" She murmurs, her head ducking down.
Frowning and perplexed, Naruto hummed. "You'd watch the world ending?"
The wooden planks of the picnic table creaked softly from her squirming around. "I,I'd watch y,you… t,trying to save it."
His heart pounded in exhilaration. He straightened up taller. He didn't want her to see the stupid look that was surely on his face right now.
"Well, if uhm…" He cleared his throat, then reworded the question he had intended to convey."If you couldn't do anything about it, maybe you should try to pick someone to spend your last moments with."
He wants to know who her important people are, even if it's something obvious like family.
As mad as his mom makes him sometimes, she's still his mom. He still loves her.
He also likes to think he's added his friends to her list, even if she still keeps to herself.
Hinata was quiet.
He should've given her more time but he got itchy with anxiety.
"I choose everyone!" He pumped a fist into the air, jostling her headphones with his enthusiastic movements.
Hinata lowered her headphones into her lap. She was looking down. He smiled at her, kicking his legs, heart pounding in anticipation.
"Th,Then… I choose e,everyone too."
His smiled widened but for a moment he felt unsure. Either he'd given her an easy out or he made her change her answer.
His smile turned small as he gazed at the dirt path leading down the road. Tucked behind a swath of trees was their motel, all darkened windows, the gravelly parking lot bathed in a dozy glow of yellow from the street lamps.
"Is that so? How come?"
"T,Twice the wishing power?"
God, she can be so cute sometimes. But this just confirmed his suspicions. She had changed her answer to his. Maybe someday she'll tell him for real.
He can only hope.
Naruto looked at her questioningly and her shoulders hunched up.
"S,So… just in case it's too much for you, I,I can make sure you keep everyone, s,so th,that way they'll be there with you in the end." She nodded resolutely at the end.
Naruto stilled as he stared at her. Somehow, this moment was sharper than his best memories. Somehow, everything he's ever experienced felt less real.
Would she really do that?
Give up her own wish to help keep his?
"Hinata-chan…" He wanted to explain what he was feeling, he wanted to ask why his heart even though he didn't feel upset.
But then he spotted flashlights waving from the bottom of the hill, and fear prickled up his bloodstream.
He shot up to his feet.
But then her tiny hand clutched tight around his hand, holding him back like a felon awaiting arrest.
"Hinata-chan, we're gonna get in trouble!"
"And hiding will cause a p,panic and waste r,resources. S,Sit."
Naruto plopped back down, his head hanging low for the inevitable admonishments, vague threats and guilt-tripping that were sure to follow.
Their footsteps drew closer and he waited.
The lights shined upon them caused him to recoil.
And throughout the screeching and the finger-wagging and the 'Your parents are going to hear about this', Hinata never once let go of his hand.
"I want you to be happy." He said, as if he needed convincing himself, but it doesn't really answer her question, it doesn't nullify her dilemma at all.
"But h,how do you w,want me to be happy?"
He grimaced. And said nothing. Because she's already told him off for telling her how she should be living her life, and she's asking him again what she should do.
It's rhetorical. He knows it is.
But she won't shout at him this time. She won't fuss. She doesn't know what she wants to hear. She doesn't know what she wants at all.
"I dunno…" His gaze dropped away slow. "However you can?" His hands slipped from her face as he began to take a step back, to return the emotional distance she's been wanting, but then she caught him. She clutched his fingers to her clavicle and she caved.
"I want you t,to be happy too," She tightened her grip around his fingers and her body wracked with a sob. "You can't settle… y,you're not allowed to settle!"
Naruto jolted where he stood, his eyes bright with alarm and confusion. "Wha- Hinata-"
"N,Not even for me!"
Silence fell around them and he stood there. She could almost see his thoughts clicking in place, the way his confusion gave way to smoldering intention.
"An' what's that supposed to mean?"
She shut her eyes, because laying her soul bare takes every ounce of strength she has, and she knows she has to do this.
Because somewhere down the line she'll never forgive herself.
Somewhere down the line she'll always remember being so, so wrong about everything.
And her pride, her self-image, is simply not worth it.
"E,Even if I t,tell you how I really feel… Y,You can't just accept that. You h,have to do better th,than me… Y,You have to think, Naruto-kun."
She waits in the silence for his response.
It doesn't take that long.
He tugged his hands free, and her breath seized in her chest.
But then there was warmth around her shoulders, and the scent of beer filled her nose when his hot exhale bathed her lips.
Her eyes snapped open, her heart jumped at the sight of his intense gaze.
And suddenly he giggled.
"Yeah, good luck telling me to think."
"Naru-"
He shut her up with a hard kiss, heat suffusing her down to her core. His palms ran from her shoulders to the small of her back. She clutched at his upper arms when he began to walk them backwards. She swore he would topple over her if he wasn't careful.
The edge of the sink pressed against her back.
His hands slid down to cup the back of her thighs, and he lifted her up.
Cold, hard porcelain caught her rear end and she realized he had seated her on the sink. She cupped his face, gasping as she pushed him away.
"Naruto-kun!"
He escaped her hold and busied himself with her neck, his hands smoothing down the curve of her waist to grip her hips.
His mouth was burning her and she fought to suppress her rising voice.
She pushed at his shoulders.
He grabbed her hands and lowered them down, his lips centimeters from hers once again.
"You're such a weirdo," He breathed. "But I really, really like it." He smashed his lips to hers before she could protest. He forced her head back as his tongue delved towards the back of her throat.
He released her, leaving her breathless and dizzy. Her tongue lolled in her mouth, the pink tip resting over her bottom teeth and she swam in the inebriation of his fervent affection.
"N,Naruto-kun… i,isn't allowed… t,to settle f,for losers."
He snorted.
"What if I like uncool girls? Are you kink-shaming me, Hinata?"
What a bald faced lie! She gawked at his sarcasm.
"Have seen how uneven your bangs are right now?" He continued, reaching up to finger the strands.
Hinata's jaw dropped as she tried to wrench her hands free so she can cover the damage he speaks of.
"Nothing more uncool than a bad haircut."
Tears slipped down her cheeks, the shame of her childhood chop job sinking in her skin all over again.
How can he smile so brightly like that?
"Y,You're s,so mean."
He chuckled at her indignance as he leaned his forehead against her.
"I'm kidding. You'll always look like Hinata, y'know?"
Her chest shook with a tight sob. She wanted to melt into him right then and there.
"I know I still have this problem," He said. "That I wanna be cool an' all, but…" He abandoned his mirth and bravado, his earnest eyes staring deeply into her own. "You're sayin' you'll be a loser with me, right?"
Her breath locked in her chest. Words failed her now, even at a time when he needed a reply from her the most.
She's been resisting him for both their sakes, and now she's lost all resolve to keep up the fight.
"Th,That's not a thing to be proud of."
Naruto's features twisted, half parts baffled and amused.
"That's not what you've told me before. Hinata, because of you I feel stronger, y'know? I'm serious. You make being a loser feel okay."
Hinata freed her hands from his grip and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him close till his head rested against the mirror. She buried her face in the crook of his neck.
"You're not a loser, Naruto-kun. You're going to be great. You're going to do great."
His arms came up around her and he clutched her close, as if she was never, ever allowed to leave.
Her nose pressed hard against his skin, she could feel her tears soaking his shirt against her cheek.
He would've lost all belief in himself if she abandoned him.
Her eyes squeezed shut and her body shuddered off the final cold remnants of her anguish.
"I'm sorry."
BH: I DID IT! This last scene really tested me, heheh.