Been There, Blown That Up
Summary: After Loki's defeat and his fall from the portal, Tony starts preaching about a murderous purple titan out to get them in the depths of space.
Wait. What?
On the other side of the universe, Nebula loses her cool approximately two seconds after laying eyes on Thanos and finds herself on a wild chase through the galaxy. Now, where exactly was that pathetic piece of rock Terra again?
Chapter 18
In Tony's defense, he'd had a couple of insanely busy months. He'd spent every second of his time rounding up their allies, gathering resources and generally preparing for what lay ahead of them.
It wasn't that he'd forgotten about Killian – it was rather difficult not to remember the guy who'd had his penthouse blown up, had him stranded in Tennessee (he could perhaps, maybe let that one pass for the sole reason of having gotten Harley out of it), and had kidnapped Pepper. Oh, and also the president.
Tony had definitely planned to confront him and get rid of him properly. Eventually. Preferably before Killian had the opportunity to come up with a plan even more dangerous than his first. But then there'd been Loki and Nebula and the Guardians and so many others joining the fray week after week, Killian had just kind of slipped into the background.
Besides, it wasn't like Tony had completely ignored him. JARVIS, once given the command, had done a splendid job sabotaging AIM and getting Killian's underlings arrested, practically crippling it from the inside. There would be no exploding people or kidnapped presidents this time around, Tony had made quite sure of that.
It wasn't his fault that Killian had decided to take it personally. Again.
"Tony, Tony, Tony." Killian shook his head as though he was talking to a misbehaving child.
Tony sensed the beginning of a monologue and took the time to wonder how it was that of all the universal constants, monologuing villains was the one every superhero was forced to deal with.
"I have to say, I'm impressed. Here I was, thinking I'd successfully gone under the radar for years. There was no way the Tony Stark would remember some... some loser he'd met this one time at a gala while drunk, was there?" Killian's lips twisted into some resemblance of a smile. "I should have known better than to underestimate you."
There was a pause. Tony hummed, feeling like Killian expected some sort of answer.
"Before I make you regret all of it, I want to make you understand just exactly what you've done." Killian's smile dropped off of his face. "This plan you've ruined? The organisation you've dismantled? I've been building it up for over a decade. A decade of my life, wasted because you couldn't help but to ruin it all over again."
Killian laughed, a harsh, icy sound that cut through the air of the research lab. Tony wondered what Killian had done to get all of Tony's employees out. Maybe he'd activated the fire alarm or sent out a memo? Tony would take it, as long as it meant not having the risk of civilian casualties.
"Do you want to know just how satisfying it feels to finally have you here, in front of me? Defenseless?" Killian breathed in deeply as though savoring the moment.
Tony suppressed the urge to roll his eyes at the dramatics.
"Perhaps all of it has been worth the wait, after a–"
The door broke off of its hinges with a bang. Killian grunted and dropped to the ground, hit by a blaster Nebula had fired off before she'd so much as finished stepping into the room.
"Lovely reunion." Tony threw a smile at the unresponsive pile on the ground that was Killian. "Let's not do it again. I'm sure you'll enjoy prison."
Tony stepped over him – Nebula had knocked him out cold – and halted Nebula's determined march through the room by meeting her halfway.
Mantis followed in her wake, looking around the building in curiosity and casting only a brief glance at the unconscious human at its center. She beamed once she saw Tony and waved. "Hello, Tony!"
Tony returned the wave. "Thanks, I guess." He turned to Nebula. "I could have taken care of him, you know?"
"You were taking too long." Nebula shouldered the blaster with a disgusted glare at Killian's back. "You attract enemies like flies."
"Trust me," Tony muttered. "I noticed."
"Lucky for you that like flies, they are filthy, unnecessary and easy to crush." Nebula took a mildly concerning step towards Killian. "He will not bother you again."
"No, he won't." Tony blocked Nebula's path and tried to suppress a grunt as she bumped into him with more force than could possibly be necessary. "Because he's going to jail. And staying there. That's what you were getting at, right?"
Nebula pierced him with an unimpressed – but also unsurprised – glare. Nevertheless, she shifted her weight so she no longer looked en route to stomp in Killian's head like a ripe watermelon. "Your unwillingness to suffocate potential threats at their root never ceases to amaze me."
"Part of the charm, I guess," Tony offered.
"I think it is very noble of you to spare his life," Mantis said, her eyes wide and her lips pulled into an eager smile.
"See?" Tony flashed Mantis a grin and Nebula a victorious smirk. "Told you. Part of the charm."
He really needed to do something about the villain problem. How was it that for every instance of being an ass to someone when he was younger, there was now a villain jumping around, thirsting for revenge?
Nebula didn't know what to think about Loki. She'd met him once or twice when he'd been working for Thanos, and even compared to herself at the time, Loki had seemed especially unstable – a megalomaniac moron who'd thought it a fair gamble to sell his soul in order to be granted power by Thanos.
The few conversations she'd had with him were more than enough to prove to her that he was no longer that person. In fact, he'd turned out quite pleasant company – especially compared to most of the other people Tony had accumulated at the tower.
Still, there were one or two members of Tony's team who hadn't quite accepted his change of heart. As unlikely as it was that Loki would try something (the only thing he seemed to be doing was eat Tony's food, use his entertainment systems and vaguely antagonize whoever was in the room at the time), if he did, Nebula would take care of him without hesitation.
She doubted anyone would object.
"Don't you children have better things to do than liquify your brains with this..." Loki stared blankly at the series of animated pictures. His communication device hung in his hand forgotten, flashing images so bright they hurt Nebula's eyes. "Whatever this is."
"We're supposed to be doing science camp." Harley popped a sweet in his mouth without taking his eyes off of the screen. "I'm pretty sure Mr. Stark forgot."
Peter shifted in his seat restlessly. "Maybe he's just busy?"
"Yeah," Ned agreed. "He's probably doing all sorts of important superhero stuff right now. Maybe he's saving the world right now!"
Harley scoffed. "He probably just got distracted."
"Perhaps we could ask JARVIS to contact him?" Shuri suggested. "He was supposed to pick up the lesson from last time."
Nebula paused, her expression pulling into a frown. "The purpose of this... 'science camp' is to teach you useful skills for your later life, correct?"
Harley considered this. "I mean, yeah? I guess so."
Nebula took on a determined expression. If Tony wasn't there to prepare his children for the unforgiving nature of the world, she would just have to pick up his slack.
Across from her, Loki gave her a blank look. "... What exactly is it you are planning to teach?"
"That depends entirely on their previous experience in hand-to-hand combat."
Four pairs of eyes came to rest on her. The animations kept dancing over the screen, forgotten.
"I cannot believe I am saying this," Loki muttered, "but are your certain this is the best sort of subject matter for children?"
Nebula almost didn't dignify that question with a response. "Of course. At their age, I had already mastered hundreds of combat moves."
"That may be so. But these are Midgardian children." Loki pronounced the word 'Midgardian' as though it was likely to transfer some sort of horrible disease. "Their upbringing is quite different from ours. Not to mention yours."
"It is never too early to learn," Nebula insisted. She turned towards the children – all four of them were completely focused on her – and gave them a grim look. "We will begin with an assessment of your current skills. What prior experience with combat have you had?"
If Tony wasn't teaching his children the skills they would need to survive once they were older, Nebula was willing to lend him a hand. Tony would thank her for it, she was certain.
Down in his workshop and halfway through his elaborate test run of the Mark I Rescue armor – now completed – Tony couldn't shake the odd sensation that he had forgotten about something.
He hummed, slowly increasing the output of the repulsors. "I haven't heard anything from Loki in a while," he said without taking his eyes off of the armor. "He's not plotting another attempt at world domination, is he?"
"No, sir." JARVIS' voice barely registered over the roaring sound of the repulsors. "As I have tried telling you several times already, he and Miss Nebula are currently in the common area with the children."
He hummed, satisfied with the adjustments he'd made. He couldn't wait to show Pepper and have her do a first test run – only very few things beat exploring a new armor for the first time.
Tony jolted up from his seat as JARVIS' words registered, repulsors forgotten. "Today was supposed to be science camp, wasn't it?"
"Indeed, sir."
"JARVIS. Please tell me I didn't leave four impressionable children under the supervision of Loki and Nebula."
"I'm afraid you did, sir."
Tony barely had the mind to power down Rescue before he dashed out of the workshop and sprinted all the way to the common area.
"Okay!" Tony wheezed, bursting into the common area breathlessly. All the exercise in the world couldn't prepare for a nice, panic-induced adrenaline boost. "I'm here now. I'm–"
"Listen carefully now, children," Nebula said. "You stab through the eye to reach the brain cavity. Remember to angle your blade in this exact way so that it perforates–"
As she talked, Nebula demonstrated her lesson on what appeared to be an illusion created by Loki. An incredibly detailed, realistic illusion.
Tony realized that he was going to die at the hands of a group of enraged parental figures, and considered making peace with his fate right then and there.
"Okay," he said, his voice at least an octave too high. "That's... nice, Nebula. Thank you for this. Kids, I'm sure this has been incredibly... in-informative, and..."
Tony broke off to take a proper look at the kids. Shuri seemed far too into it. Peter's expression was moderately curious. Harley looked mostly confused, although he was following the demonstration intently. Ned was recording everything.
"I'll be taking that," Tony muttered, plucking Ned's phone straight out of his hands. "Nebula, Loki. Enough demonstration for today. Just..." He suppressed a shudder. "Get rid of that thing. Please."
With an amused glance from Loki and a wave of his hand, the illusion – thankfully – disappeared.
The 'blood' that had splattered onto the floor stayed.
"Your children have told me that they've come here to learn," Nebula said. "I've taken it upon myself to teach them the skills they will undoubtedly need once they are older."
"... Right. Okay. So, first of all they're not my kids. Just wanted to put that out there. Second of all, I appreciate the sentiment, but let's hope they'll never need to... do whatever it is you just tried to show them."
"I've tried telling you," Loki said, crossing his arms. "Midgardian children do not have combat lessons at this age. We ought to have taught them defensive and evasive maneuvers instead."
"They will not need to evade their enemies if they are able to slay them before they pose a threat."
Loki heaved a sigh. "Very well. But once it is my turn, I will gauge their affinity to the magical arts. It would truly be a shame if not one of them were able to be taught."
"Awesome!" Ned didn't seem bothered in the slightest that Tony was still holding his phone – and as such, the evidence – hostage. "Did you hear that?! We're going to learn magic!"
"I know, right?" Peter's eyes were practically sparkling. "This is getting better and better!"
"Okay, kids. Before this goes any further," Tony almost laughed, thinking that it was far too late to do damage control, "I need you to promise me that your guardians will never hear about this."
"What are you gonna give us in return?" Harley said, his expression disgustingly sweet and innocent as though he wasn't trying to shamelessly blackmail Tony.
He'd always known Harley was the worst of the bunch.
Children could be terrible, relentless little demons. After about twenty minutes of ruthless bargaining Tony had finally managed to buy their silence with various pieces of one-of-a-kind Stark tech that had no right being in the hands of ten year old kids.
The exception was Shuri, who hadn't been interested in any of the gadgets Tony'd offered. The little beast had gone straight for the big guns.
"Let me take apart one of your suits and we have a deal," she said as though she wasn't talking about a multi-million dollar piece of cutting edge technology.
"Just to clarify," Tony said because apparently that was the point of desperation he'd reached, "you're asking to take a look at it, not to actually own it."
"There is no better way to learn than by doing." Shuri raised her chin. "You've said that yourself. Do we have a deal?"
Peter, Harley and Ned had gone disconcertingly silent. All three of them were watching Tony like hawks, gauging his answer like the vultures they were.
Tony had no idea why he even kept them around.
"I'm sure Miss Okoye will want to know all about what we learned today," Harley added, his eyes radiating innocence while his lips were pulled into a smug grin. Tony should have just left him to rot in Tennessee.
"She definitely will," Shuri said. "It's going to be so hard, trying to remember all those details we're supposed to keep to ourselves."
"So hard." Peter nodded along eagerly.
"Terribly difficult," Ned added.
"Right, okay. I got it." Tony suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. "You are all horrible little creatures, you know that? No idea why anyone would willingly spend their time with you."
"Would you like me to clear some working space in the workshop?" JARVIS offered.
"Would it change anything if I said no?"
"If I may: the Mark VI is in dire need of maintenance, and would be wonderfully suited for a demonstration."
Tony let out a sigh as the kids cheered.
Ned went so far as to punch the air in victory. "This is so amazing! Peter, we're going to see how Iron Man works!"
"I'm surrounded by traitors and nosy little brats," Tony muttered, feeling a smile tugging at his lips. These kids were the worst, and he wouldn't exchange them for the world.
Several unfortunate results came out of Tony's screw-up of letting four impressionable children hang out with two of their resident ex-supervillains. (The sheer fact that there were more than two ought to be saying something about Tony's life.)
One of them was a rather uncomfortable conversation with both T'Challa and Okoye to explain Shuri's declaration of "T'Challa, guess what! I'm going to make your suit fly!" after a couple days spent dissection one of his old Iron Man models.
(Other than that particular incident, Tony couldn't complain about their sessions in the workshop. The kids were a bit young for the heavy lifting of the job, but they were smart and drank up the subject in a way that Tony doubted a regular ten-year-old could have done.
They reminded Tony of himself at that age, and he made sure to keep all potentially dangerous tech far away whenever one of them was in the workshop. Experimenting was well and good in order to learn. Experimenting with explosive material should probably wait until they were at least a little bit older.)
The second unfortunate result was the children having irreversibly imprinted on both Nebula and Loki. They'd gotten attached to the two to such a degree, in fact, that Tony realized there was no longer any hope of discouraging it.
"Okay look," he said, suppressing the strong urge to heave a sigh, "if we're setting some ground rules – make sure you're not being traumatized for life – maybe we can talk about it."
As much as Tony appreciated Nebula as a friend, that very first interaction with the kids had proven that she wasn't to be trusted with a human child.
"You were the one who forgot about them," Loki felt the need to point out, quirking an eyebrow and making Harley grin.
"And that was my mistake. I admit that this whole thing was partially my fault."
"I do not see how humoring children will bring us closer to our goal of defeating Thanos," Nebula muttered.
Tony raised an eyebrow. "I'm not forcing you to spend time with them. It's fine, you don't need to–"
"Back off," Nebula growled. "I haven't finished teaching them."
Tony raised his hands in mock-surrender.
"I do have a few things to show them as well," Loki said, leaning back with his arms crossed behind his head.
"Awesome," Ned whispered, his expression matching Peter's in both satisfaction and excitement.
Tony shook his head and didn't say anything. He wondered if anybody would buy it if he told them this had been his plan all along. Why yes, of course he'd started mentoring a bunch of kids to make sure the two former super villains got attached to them. What better way of making sure they wouldn't want to try and conquer the Earth again?
Perhaps he should try to introduce the kids to their former HYDRA members. Tony thought that at this point, his chances of all of them coming out as either friends or with strong parental urges were fairly high.
A/N: If you feel like reading a Spider-Man-centric, angsty social media fic, I highly recommend 8 minus 1 from JustAnotherOutcast on ao3. It's incredibly creative, wonderfully angsty and the characters are a delight!
Beta'd by the wonderful To Mockingbird, PyrothTenka and Igornerd!
Please take a moment to let me know what you think!
~Gwen