I sat in the hospital room waiting for the doctor to come out. Lily had been comatose for about 3 weeks now and Trevor had all but disappeared. A phone call would have been nice but I guess that was asking for too much. He had only visited her in the first week, crying his eyes out and I could do nothing to console him. The worthlessness and helplessness that I felt was crushing me. Michael came by a couple of times, but he would always kick me out to talk to her with that thug, Franklin.

I was growing increasingly frustrated in that I could visit her, but the doctors wouldn't speak a word to me about what was going on. I knew that her stress had been mounting and now this Merryweather bullshit was really the last straw. If I had been more careful, if I could have protected myself, then Lily wouldn't have thrown herself in front of me to protect me. She got shot and now she's in the hospital. I was hoping she would have been awake by now, but it was impossible to say as no doctor would talk to me. As I watched the doctor leave, I swiftly moved inside.

After she got shot, my heart seemed to drop into my feet. I couldn't even raise my gun to the person who shot her, that Merryweather soldier. Trevor had come out of nowhere and shot him right in the neck. I tried to make my body move, but as the failure I am, I just watched Trevor breakdown and apply pressure to Lily's wound as he yelled at me. It took awhile to wake up. I called an ambulance and we waited until they could take her. She had been shot right into her abdomen, aligned with her diaphragm. After they took her, what Trevor did after was horrifying. Even though all of those soldiers were dead, he still took the opportunity to bash each one's heads in. Devin, who was, still unconscious was also taken by an ambulance but he was in police custody. It was being seen as self-defense over what had happened. I remember seeing the police kick some of the soldier's bodies themselves. Franklin and Michael raced their way over here, and upon finding her in that condition, started a screaming match between the four of us.

Although Trevor didn't say much but cry, he shook me violently while Franklin and Michael continued to talk about things.

"Why didn't you protect her? Why didn't you fucking do anything?"

"I threw the grenade…"

"You could have gotten her killed too, you fucking idiot!" Michael had screamed at me, almost more so than Trevor. Franklin just shook his head as they began to plan things against Weston.

Now, after that shit show, I was seeing her for the fourth time this week. Her whole body was covered by wires and tubes. It just broke my heart even more that I couldn't even do anything for her at this point. What could I possibly do right now to change any of this? I kept imagining what could happen when she woke up. I wanted to be right by her side, holding her hand, and then she would know that she's important to me. But deep down, I knew, as I sat down in the chair and took her hand in mine, that it would never happen like that. Trevor could be here and he would probably make me go away. Michael and Franklin could be here and then I wouldn't even be in the room to know that she was awake. I always seemed to have the odds stacked against me, no matter how hard I tried. I didn't resent Trevor over anything that had happened, but I did feel upset that he's always been put in front of me as if I don't matter, or that I'm chopped liver.

I gently rubbed her knuckles with my hand. I was secretly hoping that she was thinking of me and that upon waking up, she would ask for me first. I know it would hurt Trevor immensely but for once I wanted to be put first. I was, at one time or another, happily married and Trevor opened my eyes to an entire new world of possibilities and people. I vowed I wouldn't allow the constraints of my marriage to slow me down or force me to become like the other sheep of this country. I left my marriage behind with confidence at Trevor's side, and we've been stuck like glue since. There were a couple times within the ten years of our friendship when there would be a little frustration between us. When he first started making deals and problems with people, it was beyond stressful and I couldn't find the time to breath. Then when they made the truce, something felt right and powerful being by his side as he lead a large part of this county into good money. He would take a bit here and there from my side, but I knew that it was for the good of the company.

Although, my bills are my own problems, I never felt too cheated when Trevor wanted to use the business' funds for things. It wasn't until he kidnapped this girl. We had gone two states over for something, a deal that was supposed to take us across state lines and expand our business; the guy decided that he wanted to back out after seeing Trevor's erratic behavior and one of the other guy's people was a college student who had tried to make a run for it at the last minute. We found him in the library and that's when we met her.

I had a very negative view of her when I first saw her and I couldn't help but hate her. T fell for her almost instantly and it hurt every second when he would talk to her so gently or be so close to her. Everything was built on being nice to her and it was only a matter of time before those dominoes fell into the wrong place. When he first started talking about her, I could just feel everything bubble into anger. He would talk about her hair, eyes and lips as if they weren't something that he could just take, but he wanted to keep this woman, wanted her to like him. He continuously talked about how soft her hands were and how gentle her demeanor was. She was polite and seemed very smart. He caught on very quickly that she was definitely more than what she seemed but he liked that about her, that mystery. Trevor also couldn't get over her name, he kept repeating it, beyond tempted to buy her a thousand of those flowers but argued with me that she was far more beautiful than some flower. I remembered that day, the dopey smile on his face, the excited tone of voice that he held while talking about her and that he couldn't stop sighing. I knew he had fallen hard and yet my heart wasn't ready to let him.

When his trailer was getting destroyed by the Lost, my immediate thought was to the mess that they were causing; I'd have to fix it up. It wasn't until the TV flew out the window of Trevor's room, did I actually remember that Lily existed. After that, I knew I would be screwed if I didn't try to bring her to safety. It was the only reason I helped her with anything. After we had all of those mini-fights, she essentially fucked up my knee and sent me to the hospital. I don't know what possessed me to actually defend her… maybe it was because I knew I was going to get screwed in the end anyways. After they left for Los Santos, the overbearing loneliness kicked in. I tried hard to find Trevor work, only for it to be fruitless work. No one wanted to make connections with him at this time so I had to find other work. The entire time they were gone, I only kept thinking when he would be back and if she could just be gone. I was hoping that he would lose her temper and kill her, that way it could just be the two of us again. But no, she came back and with Michael and that old lady. They took up most of his time and it almost felt like he was ignoring me. We spent a little bit of time together, but it wasn't enough for me to feel like I mattered in this view of his new life. The look in his eyes when they were doing the puzzle, already told me what he really wanted and it didn't seem to include me.

His eyes looked at that table of people with such longing, it wasn't an expression that I was familiar with. I had seen him want things all of the time, and I've watched him take them, but for some reason this was something that he wanted to nurture and savor. I knew it was hard for him during that time to control his feelings but it was difficult for me too. I felt so lost. When we finally got some alone time, all he could do was talk about the old lady and Lily. How happy everything was when the two were doing things together, the food that was cooked, how funny Lily was with Michael and how Michael actually seemed happy too. He had told me what he had done to Lily in the bedroom in extreme and uncomfortable detail, but slightly regretted not being able to control himself. I was just furious that she was distracting him while we were doing other things with far more meaning and purpose. I had said some things that seemed to make the light in his eyes die and I regretted it so much that I asked everyone to stay, but I knew it was futile.

Then Lily left. She escaped as she trapped me in the restroom and when I was saved, the crazed look in Trevor's eyes was what put me in my place. He looked like a wreck, and as he forced me to come across state lines, I was trying extra hard to find her. I had caught a small glimpse of her at the bus stop and pointed it out. We had little time to catch her as she ran up the hill. Trevor sprinted so quickly up to her. I watched the whole ordeal of him begging her to stay, that he couldn't live without her, and then him putting her on the train. It wasn't until then that I realized that he really couldn't let her go as I had advised him so many times to do. I was going to let her escape, have her freedom, victory and get away from the mess that is our lives. It wasn't until the train that I realized that we simply couldn't do that.

Even as I fought with her after she got back, with the cynicalness of being trapped in the bathroom and now the hatred of her breaking Trevor's heart, I couldn't stop myself from acting out and being aggressive around her. He told me a little bit after that they actually consummated their love and was so happy that he just happened to give me every little detail. He talked about the perfection of her body, how kissing her made his head swim and that she was the best that he'd ever had. I cringed at that; I didn't think she was anything special.

It wasn't until she hugged me and called me her friend that I realized how terrible I had been. Trevor forced me to pay back in full for allowing her to escape, and I'm still technically paying for it; he was almost acting as if I had a hand in it. When Lily and I argued, it took a while, but it clicked that every time Trevor talked about her, he was giving me a chance to connect, not with her, but him. It was something important to him and I just kept kicking it to the side because I was jealous. That hug was something that just woke me up. Everything after that, I realized how much I had messed up in everything up until that point. I should have been more considerate to his feelings and even now I'm not. He keeps leaving her behind, clearly stressing her out that any attempts to distract her, have apparently led to more stress.

When we had the cook-off that's when I knew that I fell for her. It was like watching a beautiful masterpiece come together and she was the gorgeous artist making it all possible. I couldn't focus on anything because everytime I looked at her, my heart would stop.

I kissed her on impulse; I said it was as an apology for taking the laptop and sending all of those emails, but what else could I have said? It was then that I knew what Trevor was talking about. Everything about her was soft and gentle. Upon seeing Trevor again, I realized that I couldn't just keep it to myself, and I was already decently sure that she would tell Trevor because that's the type of person she is. When I told him, I felt like I was Michael, a fat snake. I was tempted to just drink the pain away until I saw Trevor suddenly leave the trailer. It felt like I had one chance to actually tell her everything that was on my mind.

I was just happy that she didn't even interrupt me, but was devastated when Trevor had. When she was first diagnosed with stress problems, I could only think of how to make things better for her. And then she went on that date. I was so jealous of Trevor. He had planned something beautiful for her; flowers, a flight, a walk on the beach. I wanted it so badly; the feeling of being in love again. Especially with someone who knew how to respect others, had the patience and just kind-hearted all around. It was almost as if I was always being cheated out of everything. Trevor got the girl, the money, intellect and strength to essentially make him the ideal person. Here I was, flimsy, divorced, broke and dumb. Everything Trevor's said to me was true. I'm worthless beyond belief and even when I try to change, I'm a failure in the end.

One of the few times Trevor talked to me, he glared at me with such disgust, I immediately thought that, no one should look at me different than with disgust. I know how I look in general is unappealing, middle-aged and beyond ugly, but Lily has been the only person who has looked at me as if I wasn't all of those other things. She made me feel like a person again. I thought that I had regained my agency when I decided to work with Trevor and live in the desert; and here I am. Realizing that I lost it to the person who means so much to me. I thought Trevor was my savior and there are days when I do doubt that, but never as hard as now, as Lily is injured and Trevor is nowhere to be found. Her heart stopped six times; I'm surprised she's even alive.

"What the fuck are you doing in here?" A tired, deep voice said behind me. I turned my head slowly towards the door. Trevor looked like a complete mess; puffy red eyes with bags underneath, a five-o'clock shadow and a frown so deep, it was almost permanent on his face.

"Just visiting Lily." I replied quietly.

"Well, there's no fucking need for you to hold her hand or even touch her. Now get the fuck out." I stood, sadly walking out as he took my seat, taking her hand in his. I shut the door and walked to the bench on the other side. All I could do was wait, and even then, I wouldn't even be the one who got to see her wake up. I put my head in my hands, breathing in and out slowly. I cried for the first few days and thinking about all of this again, just made me spiral back into the first week. I nearly fucking killed her and I don't think I could ever ask for forgiveness.

I wish she'd just wake up for me.