Chapter 18

Sasha yawned, still tired, but she forced herself to get up. If she slept all day, she wouldn't get any sleep at night when she was supposed to. That and she had work to do. She trusted Connie to explain the situation for the early parts of the day if need be, but she couldn't stay away the whole day.

As she dressed up, Sasha's eyes fell on what Onyankopon had given her. She'd just put them on the table before going to sleep, having no energy to really even think about it. But now…

"Now I'm late from work" she reminded herself "I'll take a look at them tonight."

XXXXX

"Can't believe you're leaving next week" Thomas said as he and Nikolo returned to the barracks "I wonder who I'll be teamed up with after you leave…"

"You've been here for quite a while already, so you'll probably be repositioned soon, too" Nikolo said "So you'll probably have the whole room for yourself for the rest of your stay."

"Time for quiet nights, then"

"Had someone else heard that, they could get a very wrong idea" Nikolo deadpanned, knowing full well that Thomas was actually referring to his sleep talking. The man blinked, slight blush spreading to his face as he understood the double meaning. He chuckled, it soon turning in to full blown laughter.

"I suppose they could" he said "But who says messing with people like this wouldn't be fun?"

"Those who would most likely get in trouble for it" Nikolo said, not wanting any extra attention "But you know, this reminds me of something I've been meaning to ask."

"Hm?"

"You got a girl waiting for you back home?" he asked, deciding that he did at least want to satisfy his curiosity on this one matter. But to his surprise, Thomas just shrugged.

"Nah" he said "What brought this up?"

"Just wondering" Nikolo answered with a shrug of his own "Anyone caught your eye?"

"Are you getting back at me for asking about your dreams?"

"Maybe" Nikolo said with a grin "Well? Is there anyone?"

"…Well, kind of" Thomas said hesitantly, much to Nikolo's surprise. The guy was usually so confident "But that person is in love with another, so no can do."

"Why not?" he asked "Unless she's taken, then make yourself look as good as possible and don't give up."

Thomas mumbled something, and Nikolo had to ask him to repeat himself since he didn't understand.

"I said that I've been trying" Thomas said with a sigh "Doesn't seem to be working, though. One just has to know when to give up… besides, I want this person to be happy. If not with me then whatever. If someone else can make the target of my feelings happy, then so be it."

The way Thomas talked about this was weird, Nikolo noted, but he pushed it to the back of his head as something else caught his attention even more.

"I too want Sasha to be happy… wouldn't she be happier with someone else?" he knew Sasha didn't care about the fact that he was a Marleyan and her family didn't seem to have anything against him either, but other people… "Would it really be right of me to confess to her?"

"Nikolo? You spacing out again?" Thomas asks, snapping Nikolo out of his thoughts.

"A little" he admitted "I was just… thinking."

"Something I said?" Thomas asked, continuing before Nikolo could answer: "That something made your thoughts stray to your precious Sasha again, didn't it?"

Nikolo couldn't hold down the blush that crept to his face, making Thomas laugh.

"This sure turned from my relationship issues to yours quick, didn't it?"

"Sorry" Nikolo said, feeling even more embarrassed "I suppose I'm a little self-centered."

"Nah, you're a man in love, that's what you are" Thomas denied, patting his partner on the shoulder "When one is in love, their head is filled with one thing and one thing only."

"Speaking from experience?" Nikolo couldn't help but ask.

"Maybe" Thomas admitted "I'm tired; I'm going to bed."

He was trying to avoid the subject, Nikolo realized.

"Can't press him; it wouldn't be fair" he reminded himself, deciding to drop the subject. It seemed like Thomas had some skeletons in his closet as well.

XXXXX

"Finally!" Sasha said with a sigh as she collapsed on her bed. She'd made a fair deal of blunders throughout the day, but hadn't gotten in to too much trouble after everyone heard she'd actually ran the whole night. They assumed that she was just tired, which she was, but in reality, she kept messing up because she was distracted. What Onyankopon had handed over to her hadn't left her mind all day.

Resting her eyes on the small stack of papers, Sasha knew she had a decision to make, for postponing it would just distract her even more.

"He said there were photos… I don't think there's any harm in taking a look at those" she reasoned with herself. Photographs were still rather rare in Paradis anyway, so it would be a shame if they were lost.

Mind made up, Sasha went and snatched it all up before sitting back on her bed. Most were papers with text on them, so she quickly put them aside, but there were also three photographs. In the first, there were Grior and Nikolo, looking at the camera in front of the sink. Nikolo was smiling but, as always, Grior was sulking. Sasha snorted, wondering if the guy was even capable of smiling.

The second one Sasha remembered; she was in it along with Nikolo and the guys. Onyankopon had taken it for them. She hadn't known Nikolo was the one who had it, though.

"Would it be okay for me to take this since I'm in it too?" she wondered, her eyes focusing on Nikolo "It's okay, isn't it?"

She wasn't sure. Deciding to think about it, she set the photo aside and moved on to the last one. She recognized Nikolo immediately, but it took her a moment to realize who the other people were.

His family.

Yes, definitely. Aside from Nikolo, there were two smaller kids, a girl and a boy, and a young woman and a young woman around Nikolo's age. His siblings. There was an older couple too, most certainly his parents, and an elder man, probably his grandfather. He'd told her about them, but he'd never shown a picture. In fact, Sasha hadn't known he even had one with him.

"Is it really okay for me to be looking at this?" she wondered, for Nikolo must've kept it a secret for a reason "Just what should I do with this?"

The other two photos she could probably accept keeping, but this? It was too personal. Was there a way to get it back to Nikolo? If she showed it to one of the Marleyan soldiers at the port and told that one of the POWs had left it behind, would they agree to take it back to Nikolo?

"That must be his twin sister" Sasha thought, unable to stop herself from staring at the picture "She's really pretty… I kinda wish I could meet them all."

Sasha shook her head at the thought. As nice as it'd be, it'd probably never happen. And with how much Nikolo hated Eldians before, it was safe to assume that his family did too. They wouldn't like her.

"But neither did Nikolo at first…"

Flashback

Sasha was hungry. Nothing new in that, of course, but now she was hungry and unable to find food. All the shops were closed and the HQ was just so far away.

"C'mo c'mon, aint there any restaurants open?" she wondered as she walked down the street, coming to a stop in front of the one where she knew some war prisoners were working. Suddenly, a grin lit up her face as she got an idea.

Going over the windows, she found one that was slightly open. Too easy, and if she got caught, she could just claim to be on a surveillance round on the POWs. Perfect.

Climbing in, Sasha made her way to the kitchen to see what she could find. First, she spotted some canned goods, but she was sure the place would have something better, too. Surely it wouldn't hurt for her to take some. Rummaging through the cabinets with determination, she didn't pay attention to her surroundings and completely froze when she heard a voice.

"What the-?! What are you doing here?!" well shit, she was screwed; the POW had caught her. What was his name again? …Nikolo?

"I was just… looking for food…" Sasha muttered, blushing. It was only later that she remembered that she could've lied on the spot that she was here on official duties.

"Sorry if I woke you up" she said. Deciding to push her luck, she continued: "But… since you're here, can you make me something?"

She was already caught, so she could at least try to get something else than just a scolding out of this situation, right?

He agreed, much to her surprise.

"Thanks!" she beamed. She went to sit at the table, watching the man. Feeling like it'd be awkward if they remained quiet, she decided to go for casual chitchat: "Have you settled here well?"

"I… think so" the Marleyan said, adding after a pause: "Considering the circumstances."

"Yeah, I suppose it kinda sucks being stuck in an unfamiliar town doing something which isn't your actual job" Sasha blurted out, not sure what else to say. Wanting to cheer him up, she added: "But hey, it could be worse, right?"

"I could be dead" the cooking POW snapped, making Sasha flinch. He was right though and she was being tactless "…Yeah, I suppose you could be."

"Does he hate me?" Sasha wondered. It would make sense if he did; he'd always been taught that Eldians were bad, right? The fact that he had been imprisoned by them most certainly wouldn't give him any opposite views about it.

"Why aren't I?" Sasha was snapped out of her thoughts by the question, but unfortunately, she had missed the context "Why aren't you wha- "she stopped, realization hitting her "Oh, right."

"I don't really understand complicated stuff; I just follow orders" it's not like she was lying; she wasn't all that good with politics and such "But I do know that no one here likes killing. You're alive because we don't want or need to kill you."

"No one likes killing, right?" Sasha asked as Nikolo's lack of answer made her uncomfortable.

"There are people who do" Nikolo said, much to Sasha's worry. Should she feel threatened? "Including some soldiers."

…That's what it was starting to sound like.

"Oh…" she let out quietly "Even you?"

"No" he denied immediately "Not me."

Sasha was glad to hear that.

Flashback

Sasha sighed, falling down on her back on the bed, still staring at the photo. She wanted to see him; she really did.

Eyes trailing to the pile of papers, she wondered what they were. Letters? She was tempted to check, but felt like it wouldn't be right…

"Maybe there could be some that he had no time to send to someone? It would be good if those were sent…" with that excuse in mind, Sasha nabbed the papers. Letters. Letters with her handwriting.

"…Well, it would've been dangerous for him to take these along" Sasha reasoned. Scanning the pile, she realized that most of them were letters from her to Nikolo. It made her feel nostalgic "There's nothing wrong with me reading these ones, is there?"

And she did.

She noticed that the oldest of them was the first one she had sent him, trying to pry out some recipes and persisting him to cook for her. It included a lot of excited rambling, being a few pages long and all. She also remembered that she never got a reply to that particular letter.

"He did start answering after the first few…" his letters had been stiff and formal, like he was afraid he could get in to trouble with them, but also that he would if he wrote nothing "That sounds like something he'd worry about alright…"

The letters got more casual with time, though. From what they sometimes spoke about together when they were alone, Sasha could tell that he trusted her more than the letters let on, but he just feared they'd end up in the wrong hands. Or at least, that's what she'd always told herself, that his hatred for Eldians was nothing but a front after few years had passed. That was the case, right?

"I remember this, too" Sasha thought as she came across a letter where she tried to coax Nikolo in to coming to Dauper to cook for her family for her father's birthday. It was the one before their attack on Marley, he had not met them yet, and had declined. She remembered how disappointed she'd been.

"He bribed me with cookies to cheer me up afterwards" she remembered with a chuckle, remembering the taste "He bribed me with cookies often."

So often that Jean had once said that Nikolo would be able to buy all of the squad's secrets from her with his cooking if he just came up with the idea. Sasha had denied it of course, she'd never sell out her squad, but even now she couldn't help but wonder if Nikolo had ever been tempted to try it out.

"No, he wasn't like that" she told herself, moving on to the next letter, surprised as she realized after the first few words that it was, in fact, not written by her despite the very similar style.

"This is… from my mom?" Sasha thought, confused as she saw the sender's name. It was dated to be around two years ago, about a year before Nikolo had left "What is this?"

Again, she was very tempted to read it, but it felt so wrong. Whatever it was, it was surely private since neither had even said anything about it to her.

"Or maybe they were just swapping recipes" Sasha muttered under her breath, nodding in confirmation. That made sense, that had to be it. She didn't need to read that letter; she could just focus on the ones that she herself had sent.

She wouldn't invade anyone's privacy.

XXXXX

Nikolo sat on the train, on his way back to his home base, enjoying the peace and quiet while it lasted. Not that he knew for sure, but he would think that having to deal with the interment zones would be rather hectic.

"I suppose this will be one of the biggest challenges I'll have in my career" he thought "I'll have to find a balance between following orders and treating the Eldians like humans."

He'd have to be strict if conflict arose, otherwise his career path would be doomed in the best case and, in the worst, he'd catch the eyes of the wrong people. This was risky, and dangerous. Maybe he shouldn't have agreed after all?

"No" he told himself firmly "I refuse to just idly stand by anymore. I will do my own part in changing the world, as tiny as the effects might be."

He just hoped he wouldn't get cold feet when actually facing trouble.

XXXXX

Sasha had finished reading the old letters she'd sent to Nikolo long ago, and was still battling against herself to not read the ones that weren't written by her. Among them was one from her mother, another from Jean, few from Armin, which Sasha was very curious about, though she guessed that the Colossal titan was simply questioning the cook about the outside world. She also wondered what had happened to all the other letters she'd sent. Had Nikolo gotten rid of them before leaving? Or could he have taken some with him?

"No way. Why would he when he didn't take the photos either?" she thought "Why am I even thinking about this? It's not like I've kept every letter he's sent me or something."

Sasha sighed, collapsing down on the bench as she set her tray down on the table. She needed something else to think about. Now.

"Hey Armin, how's Hannah doing?"

Armin looked up from his lunch.

"Fine, I'd say. Her training is going well" the blond replied "And surprisingly, the MPs actually like her. How she does it I'll probably never know, but she's on their good graces."

Sasha snorted, saying: "She was in the garrison; MPs got no major bones to pick with them, unlike with us scouts."

"That's one way to look at it, yes"

"Hannah? You mean the current founding titan?" Onyankopon, who was sitting next to Armin, asked for clarification. Sasha nodded.

"That's her; she graduated from Southern 104th just like us, so we've known her for quite a while" Sasha was cheerful when she said this, but remembering what inheriting a titan meant in the long run, her smile faded "To think that she too only has ten years left- ow!"

Sasha glared at Connie sitting next to her, who'd whacked her on the head.

"What was that for!?"

Connie didn't answer, but cast a meaningful glance at Armin.

"Oh shit, I'm such an ass"

"Sorry!" Sasha said as she turned to the blond, clapping her hands together and bowing her head in apology "So sorry Armin, I wasn't thinking at all, I- "

"It's fine" Armin interrupted and as Sasha peeked up, she could see a calm smile on Armin's face, telling that he meant what he said. He'd come to terms with his faith by now, she supposed. Still, she had been really insensitive "I really, really am sorry. Just punch me next time I say something so insensitive!"

"No worries, I'll gladly do it for him" Connie said, but Sasha stuck her tongue out at him, saying: "You're not getting a permission!"

Armin laughed; Sasha saw. She was glad she hadn't ruined the mood… for the blond, that is. Onyankopon, on the other hand, looked very uncomfortable.

"But he's always a little fidgety, so it doesn't really count"

XXXXX

"Home sweet home" Nikolo muttered before opening the front door. He hadn't informed his family that he was coming back today "I'm home!"

"Back already?" his grandfather questioned as he came over "You should've told us in advance."

"I'm sorry grandfather, but they decided to reposition me rather suddenly. I had no time to write" Nikolo defended himself. In truth, he would have had the time and the letter would've probably arrived a day or two before him, but he hadn't known exactly what he should write. However, the man didn't need to know that "Has everyone been well?"

"We have" the man said "Why the sudden transfer?"

Nikolo knew he had to choose his words carefully now.

"My superiors came to the conclusion that there was a different type of position I'd be well suited for, so they offered me a chance to start at it. I accepted, so I came back here as it's close" Nikolo told, trying to sound casual "I have today off, but I'll be reporting to my new position starting tomorrow."

"I see. Congratulations" his grandfather sat down "Now, do tell me what this new position of yours is like."

Nikolo looked over to the older man, seeing a knowing smile on his face. The man clearly knew that Nikolo was trying to dance around the subject and was avoiding something.

Nothing really got past his grandfather, now did it?

"I don't know the details yet" Nikolo admitted "But I will be mainly dealing with the interment zones. They need new staff it seems, and I was deemed suitable."

To his surprise, his grandfather didn't seem surprised in the slightest.

"I see" he was rubbing his chin "Considering your experience, you'll certainly have some skills for the job that most wouldn't. But are you ready for it, after everything that has happened?"

So that's how it was; his grandfather was looking at it from the logical point of view.

"I'm ready for it" Nikolo said, his voice not wavering in the slightest "It's a new kind of experience for me so it'll take time to adjust, but I'm sure this is something I can do. And considering everything that has happened, I also want to do this. I want to put the nine years to use."

Was the later comment a bit too much? Well, he supposed not, as his grandfather was smiling approvingly. Or at least Nikolo thought it looked approving.

"In that case I wish you the best of luck" the old man said "Including on how will you tell your mother about this; she is certain to worry."

…Right. That was something Nikolo wasn't looking forward to.

XXXXX

Sasha was sitting on her bed, staring at the letters Nikolo had received from people other than her. She had stuck to her decision to not read them, but thanks to the temptation to do so she hadn't been able to throw them away, either.

"I need to burn these before I actually end up reading them" she thought with a groan. She had never felt so tempted to read other people's letters before, not even when she and Connie caught Jean writing a love letter in their training days. Naturally they had read it back then, but her self-control had been far poorer at the time, not to mention she'd mostly done so to mess with Jean. After all, who wouldn't want to mess with the guy?

"Urgh, time to burn!" she decided, jumping up with the letters in hand and heading for the kitchen, marching there single mindedly. As she walked in, the cadets saluted, giving her uncomfortable looks, probably fearing she was there to steal. A bit insulting, but by no means illogical fear. However, for once Sasha wasn't there for the food.

Marching over to a stove, she opened the hatch, but hesitated for a little while before throwing the letters in and quickly closing the hatch.

"Done" Sasha thought, breathing out a sigh of relief. There was no longer need to resist the temptation. She just hoped that Nikolo wouldn't be mad if he found out she had burned some of his letters…

"Is everything alright, Ms. Blouse?" one of the cadets asked, snapping Sasha out of her thoughts. The few other cadets in the room had stopped what they were doing as well, all looking at her.

"Yeah, all's good" she said, but then added: "Just a word from the wise: you kids make sure to never fall in love. It's not worth the trouble."

With that she walked out, but not before snatching a potato from the counter, ignoring the protests of the cadet who'd been peeling them.

Sasha walked away, munching on to the treat she had found. Half way to her room she suddenly froze, remembering what she'd said to the cadets.

"What… why did I say that!?" why had she spoken about love? What did she even know about love? Where had it come from? "Am I… really in love?"

Sasha shook her head, walking the rest of the way to her room with rapid speed. Slamming the door shut behind her, she collapsed on her bed.

"No way" she denied quietly, reaching out for the group photo under her pillow. The other two photos Nikolo had left behind were safely tucked in to one of her drawers, waiting for Nikolo to claim them, but this one she had considered right for her to keep "Right?"

She stared at the photo, mainly Nikolo's face on it. She missed him, she missed him so much it made her cry. As the tears fell down her face, Sasha finally realized that what she'd been suspecting for months now was really true.

"Oh no" she wailed "I really am in love."

A.N: Sasha has finally admitted to herself that she's in love! It took her what, ten years of knowing Nikolo? Better late than never, I suppose. Now that she knows what she feels, her point of view is going to be rather different in the next year's chapters. And what will Nikolo be up to? You'll see that next year as well, naturally. I wish you all happy New Year and hope you'll continue to follow this love story next year as well!