They stayed up for hours talking, sharing stories about their past. Rey told him about her life on Jakku, her run-ins with Unkar Plutt and his thugs, and how she taught herself to fly with flight simulators. Ben told her about his time spent with his parents, specifically with his father, and how much he admired him and wanted to be just like him when he grew up. He opened up to her about his time spent training with Luke and stories about brief adventures with some of his closest and only friends while training at his uncle's academy.
At one point, Rey hopped off the bed and pranced over to the satchel she had brought. She stumbled slightly on her way over to the large bag, clearly feeling the effects of the wine. He smiled to himself and shook his head. She had returned to the bed with a pile of about 8 decrepit paper texts bound in worn leather.
Ben's eyes bulged slightly as he realized they were the missing ancient Jedi texts he had gone looking for while Rey was away on Ajan Kloss. She must have taken them from the Uneti tree before Luke incinerated it to ash. He admired her scavenging instincts and was glad she had saved them. They were filled with her paper bookmarks sticking out every which way from the worn pages.
She had clearly spent a lot of time trying to decipher these texts. He had a lot of catching up to do, eventually, but at that moment was too distracted by the half-drunk beautiful woman sitting across from him.
...that I just kissed.
He found himself squeezing his hands into tight fists in his lap many times while talking to her through out the night. Mainly in a strained effort to control his hands and himself from his annoyingly carnal desires. She was everything to him, whether she knew it yet or not, and he would treat her with such respect.
But he did wonder if Rey knew what she did to him with her natural movements. Like the way she furrowed her dark eyebrows together when she recalled a story, or how her smile lit up her innocent eyes with flecks of gold and green, or how she listened to him speak so intently and politely, staring at him like he was the only being in the universe.
Is it possible for her to care for me as much as I care for her?
He was like his father in that way, never the best at expressing his feelings. He hoped she knew or would learn to know because she was the center of his entire galaxy and he would burn it down for her.
Eventually, they finished the bottle a few hours before the twin-suns began to rise. Rey was adorably trying to hide the effects the wine had on her, but her sudden hiccups betrayed her.
"Alright, let's get some rest." He said, standing up from her bed and taking her glass from her.
"Hmmmm" was all she said, eyes half closed and smiling blissfully. As soon as he rose and left the foot of her bed, she plopped her head down on the pillow, a mass of brown hair tangling around her face. She stretched her legs out and kicked the blanket up around her slender form.
He chuckled and shook his head, disposing of the empty bottle and cups. Ben walked around the hut and doused the lanterns. He took one last look at her before dousing the final lantern, taking in the sight of her resting form.
He couldn't help himself, as if she was a magnet. He walked over to her slowly and knelt by her bed. He brushed her hair away from her face and her eyes fluttered open slightly.
He leaned forward and placed his lips gently on her forehead. He closed his eyes tightly, inhaling deeply the scent of her. He began to pull back but was stopped short when she shot an arm out and grabbed his shirt. He looked down at her hand, then back into her eyes, cocking his head slightly.
Her eyes fluttered closed as she mumbled, "stay with me."
He knew what she meant but he wasn't about to crawl into that tiny bed with her. No way, and plus she didn't know what she was saying, right? The wine was getting to her.
He smiled and grasped her hand gently. Before he could even protest, she was breathing rhythmically. Her hand slipped from his shirt as she was taken under by the waves of sleep.
He whispered softly before rising, "I'm right here."
Then he stood and doused the final lantern. He crawled into his sleeping pad, inhaling and exhaling deeply. He let himself melt into the floor, relaxing into the peacefulness of the hut. He knew for certain that he had never been happier than he was in that moment as he drifted off to sleep.
Ben woke the next day to the feeling of a pleasant heat on his face. The suns were high in the sky, beaming a ray of light through the small window onto his skin.
He rolled over, groaned and stretched, enjoying the satisfying feeling of moving his muscles and joints after a restful sleep. He laid there for a moment longer, staring up at the stone ceiling of the hut and blinking rapidly as his eyes adjusted to the light.
This was the second time he had woken up on this island and wondered if the previous night was a dream. He still wasn't used to this new life and the simplicity of it. He had nowhere to go, no one to hunt down. Just be here, be present, with Rey.
He knew they wouldn't stay here on this planet forever, that their lives would take them somewhere else, eventually. But for now, he would just live.
With her.
He rolled over onto his side and pushed himself up to his knees so he could see her. She was lying on her back, her head turned away from him. Her chest rose and fell slowly as she dreamed.
I wonder what she's dreaming of?
He could so easily find out what was going on in her head. But he didn't feel right about prying into her mind, not anymore. Not at least without her permission. Now, it felt invasive and their minds were already so linked that he wanted her to have some privacy to herself.
Instead, he just stared at her for a few moments longer, enjoying the peaceful image of her. He found himself shaking his head, wondering how they got here. How he got here. She was so pure and full of light, how could he deserve her?
These past few days, his mind was clearer than it ever had been in his entire life. His conscience had completely reversed from that of Kylo Ren, but that also came with a clear understanding of the man he once was and the things he had done. He knew in Rey's eyes, he was redeemed, but was saving her enough? Was turning to the light enough? How could he ever atone, to himself, to the galaxy, for all the terrible things he had done?
He looked down at his hands, turning them over and over. For a brief moment of horror, he pictured the blood on his hands from the hundreds, thousands, of lives he had destroyed.
He stood suddenly and walked quickly out of the hut, careful to not disturb Rey. A lump built in his throat and his eyes stung with tears threatening to boil over. The salty ocean air hit his senses as he walked out and the warmth from the sun covered his body like a blanket.
He walked briskly up the mountain, eyes dark and low on the ground in front of him. The Caretakers were out and about, attending to their usual chores. They nodded and greeted him as he passed, but he kept his eyes down, afraid to speak.
He kept walking, not sure where he was going but he didn't care. He just kept moving, going up, up. He wanted to get as much distance between him and Rey as possible. He didn't want her to see this side of him, this pain and regret that churned inside him.
For a crazy moment, he wished he could leave this island and disappear. Rey was good, too good. He couldn't allow her to associate herself with him, a monster. If he couldn't forgive himself, how could anyone else in the galaxy?
He reached a grassy outcropping near the top of the mountain. He stopped there, chest heaving, and he looked off into the ocean, glistening white from the binary suns. He began to pace back and forth, his thoughts flooding his mind, pain boiling inside him.
He brought his hands to his head and ran them through his hair squeezing hard, threatening to rip out the black tendrils. He fell to his knees, the tears spilling out now, dripping onto his thighs. He shoulders shook with the sobs that ripped through his chest.
Suddenly, something in the force moved around him. He felt a warm, female presence behind him and he dare not turn around to face her. He wasn't sure how Rey had found him and followed him so quickly, but he cursed their bond for giving him away. He could not let her see him like this.
"Ben." She breathed, though it was not Rey's voice. It echoed and moved through the force in a familiar, maternal warmth that pierced through Ben's soul.
Ben spun around in the grass, still on his knees. He hands dropped to the ground for support, as he gazed upon the glowing blue figure standing before him.
"Mom." His voice shook and broke, tears streaming down his face. She was beautiful and regal, standing before him as a ghost in the force. She was just as he had always remembered her, her hair pulled back in her traditional Alderaanian braids and her body cloaked in a white, royal gown.
Leia walked forward, kneeling before him.
The ghost reached a small, decorated hand out to him, touching his face gently, and Ben could feel her touch. How was this possible?
He leaned his cheek into her hand, warm and comforting, closing his eyes and exhaling heavily. The swaddling warmth of a mother to their child filled every facet of his being. For a moment, he felt calm and safe.
"Sweetheart."
He opened his eyes, blinking away tears. "Mom. I'm...sorry. So sorry." He shook his head, inhaling sharply. "For everything." How could he possibly put into words his atonement?
"Please..." His lips shook, voice cracking. "Please forgive me." He inhaled sharply through sobs.
Leia's eyebrows raised, cocking her head and shaking it. "My son. I'm sorry too."
His eyes widened, confused.
She continued. "You are solely bearing the weight of everything that has happened." She shook her head, eyes warm and piercing into his. "You are not at fault. You were influenced from birth, manipulated and used." She paused. "Your father and I failed you."
He was silent, letting the tears flow down his face. He just stared at her, memorizing her features and never wanting her to leave.
She placed her other hand on his other cheek, grasping his face between her hands. "My baby." Her eyes were both full of happiness and sadness. "Let it go, Ben. Let it all go. You have to move forward, don't do this to yourself. Your father and I love you, we always have."
He spoke then, "But Rey. I don't deserve her."
She smiled at the mention of the girl. "Rey is your destiny. She needs you as much as you need her." She sighed, then continued, "Be with her. You are her strength, as she is yours. Live the life you both deserve."
He smiled then, nodding. She released her hold on his face and reached down to take his hands. She guided him up, and he rose with her.
"Mom, please don't go. Stay." He pleaded, desperately.
She smiled, leaning in and pressing her cheek to his. "I'm with you. Always."
And then she was gone.