hey everyone, i just looked at how long my original story was and holy cow it's a monster alright... so it's going to take a really long time to get it all polished and uploaded on here. i'll still keep chipping at it but just want to give a heads-up that it might go unupdated from time to time while i work on other things. but that's not true for today because we've got two new chapters up today! c: so please enjoy and happy belated new year to everyone! :D
Chapter 16" Looking for Love
Decter was all manners of upset following Wond running away and leaving him with an excited pecker hanging out. he couldn't understand how it happened Wind was finally his girlfriend again and had always loved his weiner why did she run away.
"what did I do wrong" asked Decter sitting in his room eating cheese puffs because he was sad, it's not normally something he does but he was very sad at the moment! he cried into the cheese puff container because he was out of tissues from crying so much earlier. "why didn't she tell me why she didn't want to make love? if I only knew, I wouldn't be so upset..." he went to grab more cheese puffs but they were all soggy from his tears so he got angry and pelted the container across the room, where it eventually collided with the wall and spilled wet pufs all over his freshly-vaccumed white carpet.
"NOOOOOO!" he cried, and was about to have a full-scale meltdown when he stopped himself. "no. I cannot let this run away with me. I need to find out why Wind ran away... but before I do that I need to contact her somehow, otherwise I'll never know."
so Decter pulled out his CELLULAR PHONE, SEE GRANDMA, EVEN DEXTER HAS A CELL PHONE AND HE KNOWS HOW TO USE IT YOU SAUSAGE-FINGERED ANTIQUE (i got in so much trouble at home for this line :c) and called up Wind. his phone made a ringtone that went, "RING RING BITCH, IT'S GOIN' WITH A HITCH, YOU AIN'T PICKIN' UP SO I'MMA KEEP RINGIN', YOU BETTER ANSWER SOON OR I'MMA BE SINGIN'!" he cringed at his ringtone. he'd chosen it for Wind after they broke up and he was angry at her over the anus slapping incident.
"now, you can slap my ass anytime you want to..." he whispered into the phone to her but she couldn't hear because she hadn't piced up yet.
and she never did
Decter got angry and threw the phone at the wall exactly in the spot where he'd thrown the container of pufs, it was then Decter realized he really had a problem with throwing things hm. he got up and stroked his hair then stroeked his weenie to clam himself down. which was different than weenie-to-clam resuscitation, this just meant it reminded him of Wnd's clam which quite literally "clammed" him down. "I have to go... I have to find her before it's too late!" he said and grabbed his coat and ran out the front door.
before he could do so though his mom called from the kitchen ", Decter, where areyou going it is nearly ten o'clock?!"
"oh for crying out loud mother" said Dexter, "I am a world-famous sciewntist and have been screwing my hot hollaback girlfriend for years now on my desk on the floor in the shower in my own bedroom here darn it there goes my weenie again do you really need to ask me where I'm going at this point?" but all of this was muttered under his breath (which still stenched of cheexe pufs) so he cleared his throat and said loudly, "I AM GOING TO THE CUL-DE-SAC MOTHER I NEED TO SPEAK WITH DOUBLED D"
"okay, dont catch cold!" called Dexter's Mom, and smiled to herself as her son rushed through the front door with an obvious boenr in his pants. she'd had a hunch for months now that he secretly liked Double D and this was all the proof she needed.
"Mom?" asked Dee Dee she came down the stairs with a terrified look on her face. "the toilet's backed up and flooding across the floor whoops there it goes down the stairs but what was that hideous bulge a-pokin' out of Dexter's drawers?"
"oh... oh no" said Decter's Mom. she didn't expect she'd have to explain these things so early!
as soon as he crossed the threshold into the barracks in Devil's Bluff, Decter took out a cigarette and lit up. he took a long drag off it and exhaled the noxious fumes. he was addicted.
"ah, fock, that's good..." he said. it hadn't been his intwntion to get addicterd to cigs. he'd just needed something to distract himself from his last addiction to shortbread cookies. he shuddered. he didn't want to relive those days ever again...
he took in the sight of the barracks. on the far end, a group of men were packing fudge from the Devil's Bluff Candy Company™ to be sent to Mount Blackhead because everyone there loved fudge! especially Numbuh 3. in the long yard in front of all the tents and ancient houses hungry stray dogs were fighting over a turkey which squawked and feathers went everywhere but it was putting up a jolly good fight. from within one tent a teenage soldier was giving birth and screaming like birthing mothers do. since there was a high liklihood everyone on Earth was just going to die anyway the soldiers were making whoopie like cRaZy and there were a multitude of teenage pregnancies on Dexlabs' hands. some of which were Decters', because he was a ladies' man and he'd been broken up from Wind for a while so. so now not only was he the world's youngest multi-millionaire genius lab-owner-founder, he was also the father of thirty-odd kids as well.
"oh Lordy, I hope that one's not mine, because if she sees I'm here I'm going to get stuck for child support," he thought to himself.
suddenly there was a huge squelching sound and the doctor performing the birth (from the sound of his voice it was Dr. Charmcaster. "oh, oh no, oh no...!" he said, before a huge splatter of blood rocketed out of the tent and splashed all over the ground stretching about fifteen feet from the entracne to the tnet. Decter jumped out of the way to avoid getting hit and was mortified to see the blood and the distance it had traveled out of this poor young woman. more specifically her clam.
"THAT IS ABOUT THE WORST ONE I HAVE SEEN," said a funny shaky, shimmery voice a few yards away.
Decter turned to look at who it belonged to. it was this funny purple man with black and white face paint and robes reminiscent of a shaman. he had a staff with an eagle head on it that was biting a ring, the ring was there for rope or to hang a lantern or in modern society it could even be used to hold the leash when walking a dog.
Decter walked up to him. "who are you?"
"I AM HEX, AND YOU WILL LEARN TO FEAR ME," said Hex.
"pff. why would I fear a clown in a skirt?" scoffed Decter.
glaring at him, Hex ten snapped his fingers. a moment later, Decter began grasping at his hiney.
"eh? EHH?!" he gasped. Hex had blinked his hineyhole out of existence.
"CONSIDER THAT BUT A TASTE OF MY POWER," boasted Hex, and he laughed a little at Decter's predicament.
"YOU FIEND!" Decter shouted, glaring up at Hex. "GIVE ME BACK MY ANAL SPHINCTER! I NEED IT!"
"YOU WILL BE JUST FINE," Hex said, rolling his eyes in disgust. "THE ONE KNOWN AS COURAGE HAS LIVED HIS WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT ONE. HE IS STILL ALIVE AND WELL."
duddenly Dr. Charmcaster came out of the tent and walked over to the men. Hex smiled at him. "CHARMCASTER, MY NEPHEW. HOW DID THE BIRTH GO?"
"hello, Uncle," said Charmcaster. yes, Charmcaster was now a man. he'd undergone a sex change after getting his ass kicked my Gwen for the last time and realized he was a man inside. so he had a sex change and everyone threw a big party at Orchid Bay and everyone showed up even Gwen it was great. and they had a big cake to celebrate and baloons and that's when Hex said Charmcaster didn't need to have an operation to have a sex change there was actually a spell for it in one of his old tomes and he could've been spared the long, grueling, painful recovery... going through that amount of pain for no reason taught Chramcaster a valuable lesson, though, and he studied hard and became a doctor to help people experience as little pain as possible. normally he was a podiatrist but with the war going on and everything he had become a field medic for the times of need and a lot of women sought him out to deliver their babies because he was very good with women, having been one himself once upon a time. and the best part was with the sex vchange came a really really really really sexy extreme deep baritone voice, on account of the massive influx of testosterone Charmcaster's body was saving up in case it ever became male.
"HOW DID THE BIRTH GO?" asked Hex.
"it was... complicated," siad Charmcaster, giving an unsure smile. "the mother is very week, but she successfully delivered a mostly-healthy baby girl and is now resting."
"MOSTLY HEALTHY?" asked Hex. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
"well, she is very, very tiny... and her head is absolutely enormous. it, unfortunately, ripped her mother's clam apart," explained Dr. Charmcaster. Dexter now understood what caused the massive bloodsplosion he witnessed before.
"WELL, HOW BIG IS THE CHILD'S HEAD? IT CAN'T BE THAT BIG, NEPHEW, I MEAN REALLY." but Hex gave a nervous laugh after he said that.
"I can show you, Uncle. and you, uh, what was your name?" asked Dr. Charmcaster turning to Decter.
"Decter, owner/founder of Declabs, peasant," said Decter, he could be really self-absorbed at times and thought that anyone who didn't immediately recognize him from the Wheaties box was beneath him.
"oh, I see," said Dr. Charmcaster, raising an eyebrow and internally calling Decter all sorts of nasty names for being so rude. "well, please, come inside the tent and I can show you the infant."
"no, thank you," Decter said holding up his hand, "I came here to find my girlfriend, Wind Walyer... wait wait a minute don't tell me she's the one who gave birth?!" he asked scaredly for his girlfriend.
"no, the patient's name isn't Walter," saaid Dr. Charmcaster. "though I cannot reveal it to you due to doctor-patient confidentiality."
"understood. well, if she's not here, I guess I'll head up into the Twisted Forest... good day, gentlemen."
Decter left and Hex and Dr. Charmcaster said goodbye and waved to him as he stepped out of the camp. he traveled up into the Twisted and Really Twisted Forests but still there was no sign of Wind. he asked the monkeys on Monkay Mountain but they hadn't seen her either! now he was starting to get worried. where could his precious girlfriend be?!
"oh, Widn!" he cried as he fell on his ass in the grass. "where have you gone? why have you left me? I just want to know why, and if you're safe..."
suddenly he remembered something! "of course! maybe all of this has o do with that awful tree that sent her off on that mission to find some ferret or whatever? I bet he's behind all of this!" he said and she jumped up from the grass, running in the direction of Bravo Beach.
When Dexter finally got there the sun was setting, sending orange rays of sunlight arcing across the water. it looked really beautiful, but Decter couldn't waste time watching the beauties of Mother Nature. he had to find his natural beauty (yes, Wind's white hair was natural. Dexter had even seen her puvic hair so he knew it was natural.)
"WIND!" he cried out over the waves but couldn't hear anything back except the waves because they were really loud.
he fell to his knees and began crying, then noticed a small island off the coast of the beach. with renewed hope, he swam over to it and pulled himself onto dry land. "Wind?" he called. "Wind, where are you? it's me! Dexter!"
Dexter scoured the island but found nothing. until he heard moaning... from behind a bush...
"... Wind?" he asked. because it sounded like her moaning from all those wonderful nights of passion they shared. trembling, he pushed the bush out of the way... and screamed as tears ran down his face.