Aboard Dementrix's airship, Kim Possible took a deep breath. This was it, she told herself. This was the speech that was going to make or break her candidacy.
Since her opponent had disrupted her rally with zir unprovoked attack, she had little choice but to make a live broadcast to the American people. Together, she and Ron had come up with a plan, one that she hoped would work.
Stepping towards the microphone, Kim looked straight into the camera and began to speak.
"My fellow Americans, this is independent presidential candidate Kim Possible. An hour-and-a-half ago, I was having a major rally in Phoenix, Arizona, when my opponent, Demopublic nominee Professor Dementrix sent an army of drones to attack me, hoping to crush our movement and destroy everything we stand for. Thankfully, I and the members of my staff all made it out safely.
"According to my opponent, Team Possible represents everything corrupt and oppressive about the past - a class of wealthy, privileged individuals who cruise effortlessly through life while the rest of you struggle to make ends meet. I must admit, I stand guilty of the charges ze brings against me. I am a privileged, cisgender, bourgeois white girl who's never known real hardship in life. I can't pretend to understand the plight many of you face."
Kim swallowed as she prepared to continue. It was a new feeling for her, having to apologise for things she'd taken for granted. Still, eating humble pie was a key part of her speech and would lead into her main point later.
"Which is why I have decided not to talk about myself today, but about someone who does understand what it's like to be a loser - downtrodden, belittled, forgotten. Someone who's been at my side all these years, but whose name few people even know. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Mr Ron Stoppable."
On television screens all over America, clips of Ron's most embarrassing moments from their high school missions played one after another. In pubs, homes, gyms and city centres, viewers howled with laughter as they watched him lose his pants again and again. Kim silently thanked Wade for putting that montage together at a moment's notice, and figured she owed him a soda for that.
"As you can see, Mr Stoppable isn't the most impressive person you'll ever meet," she continued. "Unlike yours truly, the girl who 'can do anything', he's the guy who can't do anything. He can't carry out the simplest tasks without losing his pants. He can't open his mouth to talk to a girl without sounding like a total dork. He can't even gain a little popularity and respect without letting it go to his head and losing everything before the week is up. He is, to put it mildly, a total loser.
"And he was my sidekick."
She paused for a moment to let that last sentence sink in.
"In nearly every action film out there, the hero is a big, strong man while the lady is simply a prize to be won. Our entertainment teaches us that men are to lead while women simply follow. It was never like that for me and Ron. From the beginning, I wore the pants in our relationship. And if you thought that Ron's dorkiness was confined to high school, think again. His clumsiness often made our missions more difficult than they already were.
"Even the villains we fought knew which one of us they had to fear. To them, Kim Possible was the teen badass while Ron Stoppable was the nameless buffoon who followed her around. When we started dating in our senior year, no one believed that he was my boyfriend. As some would put it, I was way, way out of his league."
Kim whispered a prayer under her breath. She'd now come to the part of her speech where she'd reveal her hand and deliver her final campaign message to voters.
"So why am I telling you all this?" she asked rhetorically. "Well, it turns out that the dynamic between Ron and myself perfectly encapsulates what's wrong with our country. On one hand, we have the privileged elites, and on the other, the faceless nobodies. The Kim Possibles and Ron Stoppables.
"If we accept my opponent's argument that the downtrodden ought to rise up against the privileged and seize what's theirs, then Ron should have every reason to despise me. After all, I'm the girl who has everything, while he's got nothing. Worse still, I'm the one who hogs all the limelight and the attention of the press, while he's been relegated to the role of sidekick from Day One.
"A lesser man, one who clings to chauvinist thoughts and toxic masculinity, would never have accepted this state of affairs. I can't imagine what it must do to the ego of an adolescent male to be so thoroughly outclassed by his closest female friend. Despite all this, Ron Stoppable never complained. Instead, he stuck with me through thick and thin, at moments when I was rotten to him and even when I forgot him."
As she spoke these words, memories of the moments she'd spent with Ron came flooding back to her. Even though he wasn't physically present with her, she could hear his voice in her head urging her on.
"Am I saying that Ron did all this for me because I am, as one of my foes would put it, 'all that'? No, not at all! Rather, I'm pointing out something we can all learn from this remarkable young man. Instead of complaining that Kim Possible had everything he didn't, he did everything to help me become the best I could be.
"Ron's example demonstrates what it truly means to be an American: no matter who you are, there is always something you can do to make the world a better place. Our strength comes from lifting each other up, not pulling others down. Together, all things are Possible."
Kim let out a sigh of triumph. She'd made it through the main part of her speech; it was funny, impactful, moving and inspiring, just as she'd intended. The time had come for her and Ron to implement the next phase of their plan.
"Now, let's turn our attention to the live feed and see what Mr Stoppable is up to as we speak."