"Alex!" While I'm making my way back up the hallway I came down, she's screaming after me. I can't even bring myself to look at her because what just happened WASN'T supposed to have happened. I don't even know what came over me. I wasn't looking for her or anything, I was just looking for extra blankets because I have a patient up here on OB that just delivered three weeks early and the baby needs an extra blanket. While I was looking, I just so happened to stumble across Asshole yelling at somebody that just so happened to be my girl. Something came over me when I saw him slam her against the wall though. What I felt when I saw that was something stronger than anger. I could've killed that asshole and I don't think Jo understands that. "Alex, wait… please…" The only reason I stop walking is because it sounds like she's crying. Please don't let her be hurt. Please…DON'T let this girl be hurt. If he hurt her… Let's just say that it won't be good for him if she's hurt.
I stop walking and turn around. The garbage can I kicked over is sprawled out in the middle of the floor. She's has her right arm slung across her body holding her left one like that's the arm that's hurting her and she's walking slowly towards me. She looks behind her while she walks like she's afraid that he might be chasing after her but he's not. He took a hint and disappeared down the other end of the hall. She's crying quite loudly and I know she's hurt but I can't help but notice that her cry is really pretty. When she makes it over to me, she stands at a decent distance from me and keeps crying. She coughs softly and lets the tears run down her face. I can't even open my mouth to ask her if she's alright. I'm too pissed off to even utter a complete sentence. It's really taking every bit of strength in my body not to go break my foot off in Peckwell's ass.
Instead of me breaking the deafening silence between us, she does. "Are you okay?" She asks me. Her usually perfectly tanned-white skin is blotchy and red from her crying. I can't believe she's asking me if I'M okay. She just got manhandled and slammed into a wall…yet she's asking me if I'm alright. "I'm sorry you had to see that I just… I thought I had it under control." She looks elsewhere instead of looking me in my eye. "I'm sorry."
"What the hell are you sorry for?!" I find myself screaming at her so I tone it down a bit. She just made me so mad with that. Why the hell is she apologizing when HE just put his hands on her? He doesn't get to touch her anymore. And to make matters worse, I had to find out from HIM that she had sex with that clown? Again, angry isn't the word… I'm not angry. I'm BEYOND pissed off. I'm pissed that I just saw him put his hands on her and I can't kill him like I want to because I'm at work and I'm even worse off because I just found out that she…like an IDIOT…she slept with him. She told me that she had sex with him before when I didn't really give a damn about her but… the way he said it this time. He said it like she meant nothing to him. "You don't have to apologize for him being a bastard."
Her jaw trembles like she's gonna start crying some more and she nods. She blinks once and more tears flood her face. Slowly and reluctantly, she takes her hand away from her injured arm and puts her head down. I don't think I've ever seen Jo so upset. Not even when I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. "Lemme see…" I mumble and gently take her hurt arm into my hand. "He hurt your shoulder?" She nods her head and sniffs. "I don't think it's dislocated… but come on."
"I have to do something for Dr. Grey…" She pushes my hand away from her and sighs. "You can go back to not being my friend anymore. You don't have to…feel sorry for me. Thank you for…helping me out, but I get the picture. You don't have to be my friend, Alex." She goes back to holding her hurt arm with her free one. "Thanks again." She tries to walk away but I don't let her.
"Jo, wait." I grab her hand. "I only said that I can't be your friend anymore. I didn't say that I don't want to be." I interlock our fingers so she can't take her hand out of my grasp without a fight. "Come here." I shake my head because I know I'm about to regress by talking to her and being with her but I can't help it. I can't just let her walk away. I can't let her walk away when she's hurt, I can't fight the fact that I want to kill Peckwell and I can't ignore the fact that I'm PISSED that he made having sex with her sound like a hobby instead of something special. "I still want to be your friend but…" I close my eyes. "What happened two nights ago can't keep happening…"
"I know, okay? I know…" She bites her lip. "…You made that clear when you kissed her like that in front of me. I know you don't want me Alex. I know you don't care about me and I know you don't want me and I know that kissing me wasn't something that you wanted to do. You did it to appease me." She finally looks me in my eyes and all I can see is tears. I'm not a complete ass, you know? I'm not completely insensitive and I don't want to make Jo cry. I stare at her mouth and think about how it tasted a couple nights ago. "You didn't have to do that… you didn't have to do that to me. I get it. I get that she means everything to you and I mean nothing. You didn't have to embarrass me…"
"Sorry, alright?" I brush my fingers along her cheek to wipe away her tears and curl my hands through her beautifully thick, wavy brown hair. She looks down instead of at me. "Look at me, Jo…" She doesn't move her head up, she just moves her eyes to look at me. "I… I care about you. I care about you so much that it frustrates me. You're right; I don't want to be your friend." She rolls her eyes at that but I keep talking to clean it up. "I don't want to be your friend Jo… but it hurts to NOT be your friend. I care about you…don't you ever think that I don't. I'm sorry that I embarrassed you by doing that but… you just don't understand."
"Then make me understand, Alex… make me understand. Because I want to understand. I want to understand why one minute you hate me then the next you don't. I want to understand why you were going to punch Jason over me. I wanna understand why you felt the need to embarrass me like that in front of your fiancée. That wasn't necessary, Alex. You say I don't understand but you make no effort to make me."
"I can't make you understand. There's no way to get you to understand when I don't even understand. I can't tell you one thing when I don't even understand it. I'm in a rough place here."
"You kissed her in front of me, Alex… what's so hard about explaining that?"
"It just a kiss… and she's my fiancée, why the hell wouldn't I kiss her?"
"I'm just saying…"
I think I'm about to open up a can of worms here but she's bringing me to the point. I was just gonna let it go and bask in anger and irritation by my lonesome without even mentioning the fact that I'm pissed to her but she's gonna take me to this point so I'm just gonna say it. "What about the fact that you had sex with Peckwell?" Her jaw drops when I say it as I knew it probably would. "You had sex with him. You barely even knew the jerk but you slept with him…and now he runs around and talks about it like it's something casual."
"He was my BOYFRIEND and that's not your business." She's mad at me, I can tell. She's pissed at me for even bringing it up. "I had sex with my BOYFRIEND and it was before I even gave a shit about you. I had sex with him before all of this."
"Right. And Izzie is my fiancée, I kissed her in front of you… how is any of that YOUR business?" I put my hands on my hips and raise my eyebrow, hoping that she gets where I'm going with this. "What you did with Peckwell isn't my business. I think you're an idiot that needs to keep her pants on. I don't think you had ANY business sleeping with that man…but you did and that's NOT my business. Just like what I did with Izzie isn't your business."
"You were making out with me two nights ago… HOW is the fact that you kissed her in front of me not my business? I didn't have sex with Jason in front of you, first of all…and second of all, I didn't have sex with him after I had sex with you. There's a difference." She folds her arms and glares at me. "…Why do you care about what I do with Jason anyway? What I do and who I have sex with shouldn't matter to you."
"I just think you should keep your pants on…and have sex with people that'll appreciate you."
"Yeah I'll remember that next time, Ace." She rolls her eyes. "So what is this? Are we friends or not? Make up your mind because your moods are giving me whiplash and you're starting to piss me off."
I sigh. I hope I won't regret this. I really hope I won't regret being her friend again. I know I shouldn't be her friend. I know that being her friend isn't gonna do anything but cause problems but just like I told her…NOT being her friend is way worse. I have to practice some restraint around her. And maybe if we both set some limitations and boundaries, being friends won't be such a terrible thing. "…You said you're free tomorrow?" She nods her head slowly, skeptically. "Wanna meet at Joe's tomorrow around 9:30?"
"Sure." She looks down at her pager. "I have to go…Dr. Grey's paging me." I notice a pained look on her face as she rolls her shoulder around. I'm glad she can move it though. She can move it so nothing's broken or dislocated. If he would've broken something in this girl's arm then I would've been forced to fuck him up. There literally wouldn't have been any other option for me. If he would've broken Jo's shoulder or her collarbone or ANYTHING on her for that matter, I wouldn't be able to help myself and I'd probably kill that man. "9:30 tomorrow?"
"9:30."
"I'll be there."
X X X
"What do you work tomorrow?" I shut the shower water off and reach my hand out to grab my towel before I pull the shower curtain back. I wrap my towel around my waist and pull the curtain back. She's standing at the sink brushing her teeth and washing her face for bed. She's in a t-shirt and her underwear which doesn't even excite me anymore. I used to get real happy and stuff when Iz walked around in her underwear because I used to think of it as one less article of clothing I had to remove when we were gonna have sex. But she kind of lost her sex drive and ever since she decided that she doesn't like sex as much as she used to, it hasn't excited me to see her in her underwear anymore.
She leans forward to spit out her mouthful of toothpaste. "I go in at 7:30 tomorrow morning and I'm not sure what time I'll get off. It's lump and bump day tomorrow so I probably won't be home until late. Why?" She sticks her toothbrush back into the holder and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. "Don't you get off at 8:00 tomorrow?"
"Yeah." I grab my own toothbrush and squirt some toothpaste onto it. "And I was just wondering if you care if I go out and have a drink with Jo tomorrow. If it bothers you that I go out with her then I just won't go…I just thought I'd ask before I just go." I just lied to her. If she told me that it would bother her if I went out with Jo tomorrow night, I'd still go anyway. I'd probably lie and say that I'm going out with Avery instead but I'd still go hang out with Jo. I'd feel a lot better if Iz knew and didn't care that I hung out with her though. If I'm being honest, I think the days of Iz not caring if I hang out with Jo are over. Now that I told her Jo had a crush on me, I 'm pretty sure I can kiss those days goodbye.
"I don't care." She shrugs her shoulders and stands behind me while I stand at the sink. She puts her hands around my waist and rests her head in the middle of my damp back. "Are you sure you don't encourage her?" She slides her hands from my waist up to my chest. "You said that she had a crush on you…are you sure you don't encourage it? By inviting her over and stuff? I'm not in the business of sharing my husband, you know…"
"I'm sure, Iz." I start brushing my teeth in hopes that she'll just drop the subject.
"If you have a crush on her too Alex, that's all you have to say." She sounds like she'd be cool with it if I did tell her that I'm falling for Jo just a little bit but I know it'd be the exact opposite. She'd rip me a new asshole if I told her how I feel about Jo and that's the truth. I'm not falling into the trap of her sounding like she'd be cool with it. Nope. "She's pretty and she's young. She's small…smaller than me at least. She's cute…"
"Enough about Jo for one day please." I usually hold my tongue around Iz because I know the SECOND we start to fight, she'll be on that phone with her mom arranging a trip to Chehalis. But this time is different. It's almost as if I don't give a shit that she'll leave me if we argue and I really don't think I care. "I don't know how we're gonna get married if you can never trust me. You always assume the worst with me and it gets really freaking old. I love you Iz… but you make it so hard sometimes."
"Oh my god whatever. I was being nice about it but since you want to be a dick, fine. I won't ask you and I won't try to be understanding." She takes her hands off me and stomps out of the bathroom.
"You don't have to be understanding because I don't like Jo. There's nothing for you to be understanding about. It gets so old to listen to the same thing every day. I hear it from Mere, I hear it from Robbins, I hear it from Cristina and now I have to hear it from you too… I'm tired of hearing it." I go into our bedroom and grab a pair of boxers to put on. "I'm just sick of hearing it. I want everybody to shut up about it…not just you."
That's the truth though. I want everyone to shut up about it. Okay yeah, I like Jo. Yeah I like her and yeah I liked kissing her and yeah I care about her. But I don't want to keep constantly hearing it because all it does is make me feel worse and worse and worse about it. It's like when you make a huge mistake and you KNOW you made a huge mistake and you just want to forget about it but everyone keeps on bringing it up. I wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone about Jo. I'm digging my own grave with that girl and I'm making my own decisions and I don't need people in my ear to keep reminding me about her. She's on my mind enough as it is.
I already know that people are gonna hate me enough as it is without me thinking about her 24/7. I haven't decided what I'm gonna do about it yet but I already know that people won't be understanding. If I decide to leave Izzie and try out the relationship with Jo, everyone's gonna think I'm a dick. They won't understand that I feel like I'm drowning with Izzie anymore. They won't even listen if I try to explain that I didn't mean to fall for Jo. And if I stay with Izzie and decide to just cut Jo out of my life for good, Jo damn for sure won't want to hear that I kissed her and I care about her but I don't want her. Nobody is gonna understand what a tough position I'm in so I literally don't want to hear anything from anybody.
No matter how the chips fall, it's always gonna end up coming back to me being an asshole because once you cheat on your fiancée and once you break a girl's heart, you're an asshole for good.
Jo's Point of View.
This bruise on my shoulder is the size of an orange. I'm glad to know that my arm isn't broken or dislocated or anything like that but it hurts like hell. I can't keep letting him put his hands on me like this. He's really starting to bruise up my body and I don't like that. Granted, I think he gets the picture about us being broken up now and hopefully I won't ever have to deal with his psychotic ass again but I swear if he does hit me again, it's not going to end well for him. I'm not a fucking punching bag and I don't appreciate being treated like one. I'm just so scared to hit him back because seriously, the last time I hit someone that was hitting me, I ended up in jail. It was a real stupid reason and the jackass had no right to call the police on me but he did and I was in jail for a good four days. That was a dark time in my life and I don't really like to think about it or talk about it but yeah… I could really hurt him if I hit him back and that scares me.
I lifelessly squeeze some Bengay into the palm of my hand and rub it on my bruise. Steph looked at it for me while we were still at work just to make sure there wasn't anything broken. She said it looked like I bruised my shoulder pretty bad but she couldn't be sure unless she asked Dr. Torres and I refused. The last thing I need is to explain to one of my superiors that my ex-boyfriend beat the hell out of me. I can move it and it doesn't hurt as bad as it did when it happened so I'll take that as a sign that it's going to be fine. "Mmm mmm…" I softly bob my head and hum aloud to the song I'm singing in my head. It's been stuck in my head since I was in the daycare with Zola and Sofia earlier. It's some Taylor Swift song that I've heard on the radio but I don't know the name of. Something about being young and reckless and being insane, that's all I've caught from the bits and pieces of the song I've heard. Sofia was singing it to me today but her little jibber-jabber didn't do the song much justice.
I walk into the living room and sit down on the couch next to Steph. I'm getting used to being here, by the way. I've been living with her for almost a month (it'll be a month in a week and three days) now and things are getting easier. I mean I'm getting good with not having to lock the door at all times and I've been making conscious efforts to keep my hair out of the shower. Also, it's not a big deal for me to walk around in my underwear anymore. I'm wearing a long t-shirt and a pair of underwear and Steph's donning the same exact thing. "So what's the move for tomorrow?" I ask her. We're off tomorrow and tomorrow's payday. Next week we start working every day and we're only off on weekends but for now, we're just supposed to enjoy our next off day and our first payday.
"I don't even know." She pushes pause on the remote control and turns to me. "I was looking through my clothes yesterday and I realized that I need more jeans and stuff so I was gonna go shopping tomorrow since we literally have no bills to pay this month and this paycheck will probably be the only check we can splurge with. So I was gonna run to the mall… what about you?"
"I was just gonna throw it in the bank." I grab a couch pillow and put it across my lap. "I don't need clothes or anything. I'm probably just gonna save it for a rainy day or something."
"Jo… we literally have like a thousand dollar paycheck coming our way tomorrow…and you don't want to splurge on ANYTHING?"
"No." I poke my lip out and shake my head. "I don't need anything."
"I can think of about a million things that you could buy yourself. You can buy yourself a new phone because the one you have is a shitty minute phone. You could come out to the mall with me and buy yourself some new clothes. You could get your nails done with me. You could get your hair cut because you've been screaming about that for a while. You could grab yourself some new shoes…. There are so many things that you could splurge on."
"But I don't need any of that. I'd rather just save it. I can't afford to buy myself a phone that I can't keep up with, I don't care if I have new clothes because all I do is wear scrubs anyway, my nails don't need done, I can cut my own hair and I have sneakers."
"It's okay to treat yourself you know…" She unpauses the TV and grabs an Oreo out of the pack sitting on the coffee table. "You worked hard for that money and you deserve to treat yourself. You don't ever do anything for yourself, Jos." Did she just call me "Jos"? Someone used to call me that when I was in high school… I kind of miss that someone. "You do everything for everyone else and you never do anything nice for yourself. You know damn well you need some new clothes and you know damn well you need your hair done and a new pair of shoes. But you're too damn stubborn and too much of a miser to do something for yourself."
"…But what if I spend the money on stuff I need and I need it for something else… like what if I can't pay my portion of the rent or something or what if we have a fight and you kick me out or something. You don't understand how quickly things change, Steph. If you understood, you'd save it too."
"How many times do I have to tell you that nothing is going to happen?!" She looks at me like she's a little bit irritated. "NOTHING is gonna happen, Jo. You'll never go hungry while you're with me, you'll never be thrown out on your ass as long as you're living with me…NOTHING will happen. You need new clothes so buy yourself new clothes. Simple as that. I promise I won't kick you out. I promise we won't be hungry. I promise okay?"
"…Okay." I tuck my hair behind my ear. "…So if we really do have a thousand bucks coming to us, I could probably swing a new phone and new clothes but that's it. I don't want anything real expensive. I don't need one of those smart phones or anything like that. And I'll settle for going to like… the cheapest clothes store around. I don't need anything real expensive to make me happy."
"Of course you don't." She lies back on the couch and puts her head on my lap. "So you said something about having a date tomorrow? Should I come with? Just to make sure he doesn't start hitting you?"
"It's not with Jason, it's with Alex."
"Jo."
"What?"
"No…that's what."
"I can take care of myself, Steph. I know what I'm doing. I know how to protect myself from getting hurt by him."
"Where have I heard that before?"
"I know… but it's just for a drink. I'm not kissing him again and I'm not going to his house. I'll be fine. I'm just glad that we can be friends…"
"…Alright." She sighs. "You know I'll be here to wipe your tears and stuff."
"That's why I love you."