Shelby decided to dress in her pyjamas after her shower she was planning on getting into bed after speaking to Hiram and Leroy, and she didn't plan on moving again once she was in bed. She felt her hands shaking as she picked up her hairdryer, not entirely sure that telling Hiram and Leroy where she'd been was a good idea.
She was torn, half expecting the men to be disgusted by what she told them, half wanting to tell them anyway, just to get it off her chest. "Get yourself together" she told herself as she met her own gaze in the mirror, reasoning with herself that the worst they could do was ask her to leave, and she could just go back to her apartment and… she shook her head as her thoughts turned to exactly what she'd do if she went back to her apartment. She hated this, hated how she always doubted herself, hated how she felt like she was constantly second guessing herself. Hiram and Leroy had never judged her before, they'd supported her not only through the highs, but the lows of her pregnancy too. Of course they'd wanted to hear about their daughter's little hiccups, wanted to feel her kicking, but they'd wanted to know about the bad things too, the constipation, the trapped wind, the backacke. "If we don't know about the bad things we can't try and make them any better" they'd told her, and she'd quickly become comfortable telling them anything and everything, and she supposed things should be the same now.
The men had been nothing but loving and caring towards her when she'd been pregnant, there had been several times in the final weeks of her pregnancy when Shelby had only been able to find comfort in the warm water of the bath tub, but her bump had made getting into and out of the tub almost impossible, so Leroy had simply lifted her in and out without judgement or question, and they'd been by her side through every second of her labour, from Leroy holding her hair back as she vomited at home, to Hiram holding her hand as she got stitches after Rachel had been taken to be checked over. The two men had seen her physically at her worst back then, and they'd shown nothing to suggest they'd be any different now, when she was mentally at her worst.
Shelby was surprised to find herself halfway down the stairs. She didn't remember leaving her room, "better just get it over and done with I suppose" she sighed, running her hands through her hair before making her way into the living room.
"Hi" Hiram smiled, knowing instantly that Shelby was beating herself up over something, "Leroy said you might want to talk to us".
Shelby nodded, sitting in the armchair as Leroy came into the room, "I don't expect any advice, and I understand if this makes you feel differently about me. About me seeing Rachel, but I feel like I need to tell someone, I need to get it off my mind and decompress a little."
"Shelby" Leroy said softly, "unless you tell us you went out to murder someone, we won't stop you seeing Rachel. And you can tell us anything, we're not going to judge you Shelby."
"I went to see my gynecologist" Shelby told the men, curling her knees up to her chest, "I…" she looked to the ceiling, trying to stop her tears. "I, I've been drinking, probably…definitely more than I should" she said honestly, "It was before I came here, but I erm, a few times, more than a few times, I hooked up with any man who seemed vaguely interested in me, I… I want to say that I wasn't thinking but I was, I knew what I was doing, I was hoping that some random stranger might fill the gaping hole in my heart, I thought sex might be enough to stop me thinking about, well, everything. I know I didn't need to worry about any unplanned pregnancies but I…" she took a shaky breath, "I wasn't always safe, so I thought I probably needed to get checked out for anything else."
The men both understood why Shelby didn't want Rachel to know the nature of her appointment, "and is everything okay?" Hiram asked, "or do you need to wait for the results."
"A few tests were instant, they came back negative, I should have the other results by the end of the week" Shelby told them, "but they said I should go back again in three to six months and get checked again just to be sure."
"I'm glad to hear that" Leroy nodded, Hiram voicing his agreement.
"Do you…" Hiram paused, gathering his thoughts, "I know you've been honest about how your coping mechanisms haven't been healthy, but do you think this might be worth bringing up in one of your therapy sessions?"
Shelby nodded, "yeah, probably, but it's…" she let her chin rest on her knees, not for the first time reminding Hiram and Leroy of how similar she and Rachel were. "I was lonely, I felt like I was all alone, I… I just wanted to feel, no matter how briefly, I wanted to feel like someone cared about me, like someone wanted me and I, I don't feel like that anymore."
"Good" Leroy smiled, "because you're not on your own, we care about you and we want you here with us, although if you're wanting… I'm not sure that's something either of us can help you with I'm afraid."
Shelby chuckled quietly, "no, I… I'm done with that. I don't… my relationship with Rachel's the most important thing."
"She's so happy to have you here." Hiram smiled, "I'm sure we all wish that it had come under better circumstances, but she's still over the moon that she's able to get to know you."
Shelby nodded, "I told her we could watch a movie together, I thought it might help her relax a little if we spent some time together."
"It will" Leroy agreed, "just knowing you're here will help a lot."
"Why don't you go up to her?" Hiram suggested, "I'll bring you both a hot chocolate up in a minute."
Shelby smiled and nodded, "I told her I'd make us one, but if you don't mind…"
"Of course not. I take it you'll be in your room?"
Shelby nodded, "yeah, Rachel asked if we could watch the movie in my bed."
"Okay, you go and get the movie started" Hiram smiled, "I'll be up in a minute with your drinks."
Rachel was combing through her wet hair after her shower when Shelby came upstairs, "do you want a hand?" she asked nervously as she stood in the doorway to Rachel's room.
Rachel met Shelby's gaze in the mirror of her dressing table, "that would be nice" she said as she offered Shelby her comb, "thank you."
Shelby stood behind Rachel, silently running the comb through her hair, "do you blowdry it or…?" she asked once all the knots were out of the girl's hair.
"No" Rachel shook her head, "if I shower at night, I usually just braid it and then wear it wavy the next day."
"Okay" Shelby nodded, carefully beginning to braid Rachel's hair for her, thanking her when she was passed a band to secure the bottom of the braid, "is that okay?"
Rachel smiled at the action. It was something that so many girls would take for granted, but having her Mom brush and braid her hair meant the world to Rachel, "it's great, thank you" she stood and wrapped her arms around Shelby, hugging her tightly.
Shelby was stunned for a moment before returning the hug, "you're welcome" she smiled, "do you want to go pick a movie? Your Daddy said he'd make our hot chocolate and bring them up."
"Okay" Rachel wasn't even thinking as she took Shelby's hand as they walked into the guest room, "can we watch Mary Poppins?"
Shelby smiled at the feel of her daughter's hand in her own and she squeezed it gently as she nodded, "of course."
It wasn't long before there was a gentle tap on the open door and Hiram walked in with a tray in his hands, "here we go" he smiled, handing them both a mug, "I made you some popcorn too" he handed over the bowl which Shelby set down between herself and her daughter, "and you missed dinner so I made you a sandwich" he told Shelby, knowing that she'd go without otherwise.
"Thank you" Shelby smiled, she wasn't really hungry, never seemed to have much of an appetite anymore but she appreciated Hiram making it for her, and she'd try to eat it, if only so Rachel didn't worry.
"It's okay" Hiram smiled. "You two enjoy your movies, you know where we are if you want anything."
Neither Hiram or Leroy were surprised when they checked in on Shelby and Rachel their own way to bed, to find they'd fallen asleep curled into one another, Shelby sleeping better with Rachel in her arms than she ever did alone. Leroy moved the bowl of popcorn from the middle of the bed as Hiram took the tray, noticing that Shelby had managed to eat half the sandwich he'd made for her.
"Do you think they're comfortable?" Leroy asked as he saw how Shelby and Rachel had curled into each other, still half sat up against the pillows.
Hiram smiled as he took in how close Shelby was holding her daughter, how Rachel had her head on Shelby's chest, holding her Mom's arm around her as if she was scared Shelby was going to leave her, Shelby's body curled around Rachel, her cheek against Rachel's hair. "They look it" he nodded, "let's not wake them" he said as he straightened the covers and kissed Rachel's cheek, turning off the TV as Leroy flicked off the light, leaving just the small side light in case Shelby or Rachel woke in the night.
"Are you okay?" Leroy asked once he and Hiram were in their bedroom.
Hiram nodded, "Shelby, she always holds Rachel so closely when she's asleep, but when she's awake, it's almost like she's scared to love her."
"I know" Leroy nodded, "I think she's still scared about letting Rachel down or hurting her in some way, but she's getting better I think, it was Shelby's idea for them to watch a movie tonight, Shelby told Rachel she can share her bed whenever she likes. She's struggling and she's been thrown this whole 'Mom' thing out of the blue, I think it's only natural that it takes her a while to learn how to balance everything, to get used to being a Mom as well as dealing with everything else."
"I suppose you're right" Hiram nodded, agreeing that Shelby was getting better at being Rachel's mom, that the time together seemed less forced than it had when he'd first seen them together, Shelby seemed to be relaxing into motherhood, but it had only been a couple of weeks and she was still finding her feet.
"Always am" Leroy smiled, "they'll get there" he promised, "we'll keep supporting them, keep encouraging them to bond. They've got a lot of time to catch up on, they're not going to bond overnight, we just have to let them both, Shelby especially, take it at their pace."
"I don't think I've ever regretted anything as much as I regret asking Shelby to sign that contract" Hiram sighed.
"You and me both" Leroy nodded, "but we can't change that, we can only make sure that they get the chance to develop their bond now and in the future, and from the way Shelby was holding Rachel just now, I think they're well on their way."
Rachel was still tucked into Shelby's chest when she woke on Sunday morning and she smiled to herself, nuzzling closer to Shelby and making herself comfortable, happy to stay where she was, at least until her Mom woke.
Shelby had barely woken when she felt it, the ball of anxiety in the pit of her stomach, the looming feeling of dread hanging over her like a black cloud, and she screwed her eyes shut, wishing she could just turn off her brain as she forced herself to take some deep breaths, there was absolutely no way she was going to let her anxiety overwhelm her, not when Rachel was right there.
"Mom?" Rachel frowned, "are you okay?" she sat up, having both felt, and heard the change in her Mom's breathing.
Shelby took another shaky breath, "when we, when I first came to stay here, we went for a walk" Rachel nodded, "you suggested we could run together?"
"Yeah, we can if you want."
"Can we, can we go out after breakfast?" Shelby asked, wondering if she'd be able to outrun her anxiety.
"Sure" Rachel nodded, "I have a 5k route around the park if you want to give that a go?"
"Yeah" Shelby held out her arms, relieved when Rachel shuffled back into her embrace, she wanted, needed to ground herself before things got out of control, and she knew having Rachel close would help with that, "don't go easy on me though" she said with a small smile, not wanting to tell her daughter that she needed to push herself, needed to feel the ache in her lungs and the burn in her muscles.
"Okay" Rachel smiled as she curled back into Shelby's side, "if that's what you want."
Shelby nodded, focusing on the lines she was tracing along Rachel's back with her fingertips as she admitted, "I'm feeling a little anxious this morning, I thought maybe the run would help."
"I hope so" Rachel nuzzled into Shelby before kissing her cheek, "do you want to go get some breakfast?"
Shelby took a deep breath and nodded, "sure." She wasn't hungry at all but she knew running 5k on an empty stomach wasn't a good idea, and probably something Rachel wouldn't let her do.
"Morning" Hiram and Leroy were already in the kitchen when Shelby and Rachel came downstairs, Shelby's hand held tightly in Rachel's.
"Good morning Dad, Daddy" Rachel kissed them both on the cheek before turning to Shelby, "what would you like to eat Mom?"
"I erm… I'll get some toast or something in a minute, I'm just going to..." she picked up her cigarettes.
"Okay" Rachel nodded, "see you in a minute."
"Rachel" Hiram heard his daughter sigh, "what's wrong?"
"Mom, she said she's feeling anxious, she just woke up like that, last night she was fine but this morning she…" Rachel gestured out of the window to where Shelby was sat on the patio, lost in her thoughts as she smoked her cigarette.
"Do you want me to try and talk to her?" Hiram asked.
Rachel shrugged, "maybe later? She asked if we could go out for a run together after breakfast."
"That's good" Hiram nodded, "but I know you're worrying about her, so why don't we go into the living room when you've got your breakfast? Then when Shelby comes in she can talk to your dad if she wants to?" he suggested, knowing Shelby sometimes opened up to Leroy in the mornings before everyone else was up.
Rachel nodded," can we watch cartoons?" she asked with a smile as she took a banana from the fruit bowl to slice onto her cereal.
"Of course we can" Hiram chuckled, it had been their Sunday morning routine when Rachel had been younger, Leroy would get up to take her to dane classes on Saturday, and Hiram would get up with her on a Sunday morning and they'd eat breakfast together and watch cartoons until Leroy woke, they hadn't done it in a while and, if he was honest, Hiram was looking forward to doing it again, "you go through and find something to watch, I'll just get another coffee and then come join you."
"Okay Daddy" Rachel poured herself a glass of orange juice before taking her cereal into the living room and leaving Hiram alone with his husband.
"Sorry" he looked up at Leroy, "I've sort of dropped you in that, do you mind…"
Leroy kissed Hiram to silence him, "it's okay, of course I don't mind talking to Shelby" he took Hiram's mug and filled it with coffee for him before getting out another mug to make Shelby a coffee, "you go get your cartoon and caffeine fix" he winked, kissing his husband again before sending him off in the direction of the living room."Only you would smoke a cigarette and then go for a run" Leroy winked as Shelby came back into the kitchen, dropping her cigarettes on the side and washing her hands. He hoped Shelby would take his joke as he meant it, that her anxiety wouldn't convince her that it was a dig.
Shelby shrugged, thanking him as she took the coffee he offered her, "maybe the run will cancel out the cigarette" she smiled weakly.
"Maybe it will" Leroy returned the smile, he could see how hard Shelby was trying, knew just how much she wanted to beat this, how much she wanted to be okay.
"I..." Shelby shook her head, "it doesn't matter".
"Are you sure?" Leroy prompted.
Shelby sighed and ran her index finger around the rim of her mug, "I know I should stop, what's the point in fighting to better my mental health if I'm just going to give myself lung cancer but I don't know if I could,it, it..."
"You're already dealing with a lot and that just feels like one thing too much?"
"Yeah" Shelby opened the breadbin and dropped a single slice of bread in the toaster, "something like that."
"Are you okay?" Leroy asked, "Rachel said you'd told her you were feeling anxious, is there anything we can do to help?"
Shelby shook her head, taking a slice of the dry toast when it popped up, not bothering with a plate, "I…" she shrugged, "it just happens sometimes, I wake up feeling like the world's going to implode and I, I just want to hide under the covers and not come out. I don't know if it's just one of those days or if I'm still on edge after the other night. Either way hiding in bed isn't really an option when Rachel's around."
"You know she'd probably just hide with you?" Leroy said with a sad smile.
"She shouldn't have to though" Shelby said as she finished her toast and moved to take her antidepressants, "I've asked her if she'll go for a run with me, either I'll be able to run it off or…"
"Or…?"
Shelby swallowed the pill with the last of her coffee, "or at least the run will make be focus on my breathing enough to keep the panic attack I can feel looming over me at bay."
"Are things this bad often?" Leroy asked as he offered to make Shelby another coffee.
She shook her head, "no, the panic attack the other night was the worst one I've ever had" she said honestly, "but I have had them before and they seem to come in batches, I can go weeks, months without one and then something will happen and I'll have three in a week, it's…" she searched for the right word for a while before shrugging again, "exhausting."
"It sounds it. But if there's ever anything Hiram or I can do…"
"I know" Shelby smiled, "thank you."
Leroy reached for Shelby's hand, "you're not on your own Shelby, whatever's going on, you're not on your own anymore".
"I know" Shelby gently squeezed Leroy's hand, "I appreciate it, I really do. I erm, I should go and get changed."
"Okay" Leroy gently squeezed Shelby's hand, "but promise me something?" Shelby nodded, not sure what Leroy wanted her to do but feeling like, after everything they'd done for her, she should do whatever he asked, "if you're going out for a run, will you promise me you'll eat something more substantial than a single slice of bread when you get back."
Shelby nodded, understanding his request. "I will" she nodded, "I promise."
"Thank you" Leroy smiled, "I'll leave you to go and get changed then".
Shelby walked into the living room, smiling slightly when she saw Rachel and Hiram watching cartoons together, "I'm going to go and get changed" she told her daughter, "there's no rush though, whenever you're ready."
Rachel smiled and jumped to her feet, "I'll come and get changed too" she said, thanking Hiram when he told her he'd take her bowl into the kitchen.
Shelby changed into running leggings and a sports bra before looking down at her arm, sighing when she saw the jagged line that ran almost the whole length of her forearm, "why are you always so stupid?" she mumbled to herself, screwing up the tank top she had in her hand and throwing it into the back of the wardrobe before taking out a long sleeved tshirt instead, quickly pulling it on so she didn't have to look at her arm any longer.
She was tying her hair back when Rachel knocked gently on her door and she invited her inside, smiling when she saw her daughter wearing a similar outfit to hers only Rachel had on a white tshirt over her leggings. "Are you ready?"
Shelby tucked the ends of her ponytail into the band to keep them off her neck, "yeah, I just need to grab my sneakers" she said, pulling them from the bottom of the wardrobe, sitting on the bed to slip them on. "Okay, I'm good."
Hiram was waiting at the bottom of the stairs when they came down, handing them both a bottle of water, "have a good run" he smiled, kissing Rachel's cheek and squeezing Shelby's arm.
They made light conversation as they walked to the park, Rachel admitting that she used the walk as the warm up for her run. "Are you ready?" she asked as they reached the park.
Shelby nodded, "yeah, and just go at your normal pace, don't feel like you need to go any slower on my account" she reminded her.
"Okay" Rachel smiled, "let's go."
At first Shelby was pleasantly surprised that she managed to keep up with Rachel, but it soon became clear that Rachel was much fitter than she was. It had been a long time since Shelby had done anything more than yoga, and her smoking habit didn't help either and they were less than 2km into their run when Shelby felt herself beginning to flag, but she continued to push herself, pushed past the burning in her lungs, continued to drag her legs along even though they felt like they were made of lead, she'd wanted it to hurt and it was hurting, she was going to keep going, she wasn't going to stop.
"Okay?" Rachel asked when she saw Shelby beginning to slow.
"Mhm" Shelby wasn't sure she could speak without vomiting, Rachel had barely broken a sweat and yet she felt like she was about to collapse and die.
"Want to slow down?"
Shelby shook her head, "keep going" she panted, "I can do it".
She collapsed on a bench at the end of the run in no doubt that it was the fastest 5k she'd run since she was in the track team in high school. "Mom?" Rachel frowned as Shelby began to cough.
Shelby shook her head and dismissively waved her hand, unscrewing her water and taking a sip, "I, I'm okay" she panted, "do you… do you time yourself?"
Rachel nodded and glanced at her watch, "28.37."
"Not bad" Shelby sipped at her water bottle as she began to find breathing slightly easier.
Rachel sat beside Shelby and drank her n water, "my pb is 27.51, I was hovering around 28 minutes and I wanted to try and get under that so I pushed myself really hard one run, I haven't done it since" she chuckled.
Shelby smiled as she caught her breath, "when I was on the track team in high school I managed 25 minutes a couple of times but I don't think I'd be able to do it now."
"Wow, that's amazing! I don't think I'd ever be able to run that fast."
Shelby smiled, "I started athletics in middle school so I'd had a lot of practice, I used to hurdle too."
"Wow, I thought you'd have been all about show choir and dance class."
"I was" Shelby smiled as she slowly straightened up a little now her lungs didn't feel like they were about to rip out of her chest, "I did gymnastics and dance in middle school, but then my gymnastics teacher stopped teaching and. I don't know, I wanted to fill the gap with something and athletics fitted in with everything else so I gave it a go and I really enjoyed it."
"We can make this a regular thing if you want?" Rachel offered, "maybe a little slower next time?"
Shelby shook her head, "I don't mind" she told Rachel, "maybe we could just run 3k though and walk the rest?"
Rachel nodded, "sounds good to me." She looked at Shelby, "are you ready to head back."
"Yeah" Shelby finished her water, "I promised your Dad I'd eat something when I got back but I definitely need to shower before I do anything."
"Okay" Rachel held out her hand to help her Mom to her feet. "Maybe grab a banana or something when we get in and then we can get something else when we've both showered."
"Yeah" Shelby smiled, noticing how Rachel hadn't let go of her hand, "that sounds good to me."