I can't believe I let Steph talk me into spending all my damn money. Don't get me wrong; I'm not mad at her. I'm not mad at her at all. I'm actually quite thankful for her if I'm being honest. She made me realize that I actually do need to start taking better care of myself. The only issue I'm having now is that, well… I'm fucking broke. I spent almost every last dime of my paycheck. I have forty bucks to my name for the next two weeks until I get paid again. I put all my shopping bags down on the floor of my bedroom and start going through them so I can put my new things away. Is it weird that I feel like crying? I've never had shopping bags upon shopping bags upon shopping bags full of things that are all mine. Everything in these bags belongs to me and I feel like I could just cry.

I start with one of the bigger light pink and hot pink striped Victoria's Secret bags and open it up. This must be what it feels like to actually be a girl because I swear once I started shopping, I couldn't stop. Steph and I hit every interesting store in the mall and we were seriously running out of arm space for bags. I reach my hand down inside the bag and pull out the first pair of sweatpants that I bought. They're black and they say PINK down the leg in cheetah print letters. I bought a couple PINK jackets and three pairs of yoga pants from Victoria's Secret. I rounded out that store with seven pairs of sexy underwear, a really nice padded bra and three thongs because Steph insisted that I had to wear thongs if I was gonna wear yoga pants.

We went to some other store called Forever 21 and I bought a couple shirts and a few pairs of jeans from there. I got a couple new pairs of boots from this store called The Shoe Warehouse and I got pair of sneakers from there as well. Steph went into the AT&T store to see if she could buy a new case for her phone, or so she claims that was the reason we went there. I don't know how the hell it happened but while I was looking around at the fancy smart phones I could never afford, Steph was talking to this guy that worked at the store and half an hour later, I walked out of that store with a brand new iPhone. It's pink on the back but I have a case on it because the case was free with my contract. Something about signing a contract didn't set right with me but Steph promised me that it was alright and so I trusted her.

I owe her sixty bucks a month for the phone bill in addition to paying my portion of the rent each month. The $60 shouldn't be too bad for me to afford if I'm careful. If I'm careful not to go over our data package, sixty bucks should average out to the amount of money I used to spend purchasing minutes for my TracFone. My phone isn't nearly as impressive as Steph's gigantic Galaxy android phone but you know what? It's fine for me. I've never had a phone like this before and plus it didn't even cost me that much. It cost me $26 because I had to pay something out of pocket for the actual phone but it was discounted because I was starting a new contract with Steph's pre-existing one.

After we ate lunch at the food court, we went into this store called Journey's because Steph wanted to buy a pair of Converse to wear at work and I caved in and bought a pair for myself. It worked out pretty well because I wear a size seven and Steph wears a seven and a half so we can share shoes sometimes. She bought a black pair and I thought I was cute because I found a pair of baby blue ones that'll match our scrubs. We rounded out our shopping expedition by stopping at Bath & Body Works. I bought a couple bottles of perfume and a bottle of lotion and a couple portable hand sanitizers to carry around in my scrub pants. All in all, today was a successful day. I'm running low on cash until next payday but I feel really good. I have nice things for once in my life.

It's almost 8:30 and I need to start getting ready to meet Alex and Joe's in an hour. I'm honestly hoping that tonight doesn't end horribly with him because I've been having a pretty awesome day thus far. I'm literally so happy for the first time in a while and it'd be a real bitch if he ruined it for some reason. I don't think he will because clearly we established that we're friends and if I go into this date with a friendly mindset, I won't be upset; but I'm not completely ruling out the possibility that he might piss me off somehow. Put it this way: This date can either be the perfect end to a perfect day or a shitty end to a perfect day. I hope it's the latter.

When I finish putting all my new things into their respective places, I plug my new phone into the charger and lie it down gingerly on my bed. Aside from my watch, my phone is the nicest thing I've ever owned in my life. I'm going to go take a shower because I don't want to smell bad around Alex first of all and second of all, I'll probably be home late and I won't feel like showering later. Steph didn't come home with me. She dropped me off then went out somewhere with Leah so since she's not home, I can take however long I need to take in the shower; which is good because I desperately need to shave. I'm not planning on doing anything tonight with Alex or ANYONE for that matter; I just haven't shaved in a while. My armpits need shaved, my legs DESPERATELY need shaved and between my legs is way too fuzzy for my liking as well.

I turn on the shower water and make sure it's as hot as I like it to be. I take off my clothes and step right inside the spray. I'm kind of excited to spend time with Alex. Despite the fact that he makes me physically sick every time I see him and my stomach ties up in knots when he speaks to me, I really like being with him. I like spending time with him and I like feeling like I don't have to share him for an hour or two. I think I might love him. I really think I might love him and that scares the crap out of me. It scares me because it might not be pure and I might just be pining after him just because he shows me some attention because I tend to do that. I just can't go a day without thinking about him…when I do think about him, I'm instantly happy… I smile every time he crosses my mind even when I want to cry, I find myself looking for ways just to see him… if that isn't love then what the hell is it? I fall for boys entirely too quickly. I swear I'm delusional.

But if it's not love then what the hell is it?

X X X

"Just leave the door unlocked for me. I don't know what time I'll be home." I'm a little bit early so I'm sitting in a booth towards the back of the bar by myself while I wait for him. I'm only early by about ten minutes so it's not that much of a wait. "I'll be okay… okay. Thanks for asking…. Yeah, I'm sure." Steph's busy being a mother to me instead of being my friend but I don't really mind it. It's kind of sweet how she always makes sure I'm okay. I drum my fingers along the pleated wood of the tabletop. "Mhm… Yeah. Alright. Love ya too… yeah, see you. Bye." I tap the end button on my phone and slide it to the corner of the table so it's out of my way.

I didn't dress super pretty but I just hope I'm not underdressed or overdressed. I put on a pair of my new black yoga pants—the ones with the word PINK written across the lower backside in blue glittery letters and I put on one of the oversized knit sweaters I bought. It's blue to match the lettering on my pants and it has little flecks of glitter in it. I bought it in a large so it'd hang off my shoulders and it is. I put on my new bra and one of my new thongs as well. The thong is a little bit uncomfortable but I'm pushing through. I didn't want to overdo it so I didn't doll myself up with makeup but I do have a little bit of earth-toned eye shadow on and some mascara. I nixed the eyeliner.

There are so many couples here tonight that I feel like the world is personally against me. There's a couple sitting in the booth behind me, there's a couple in the booth in front of me and a couple in the booth across from me. I mean it's Friday so I get why everyone is with their significant others tonight but still… must they all sit around me? Anyway, this bar brings back bad Jason memories. I hope I can wash out all those bad memories tonight with good ones from Alex. I feel the air shift beside me and I pick my head up.

He's wearing a pair of jeans and a long sleeve sweater. He looks like he might've just gotten out of the shower because his hair is wet but that could also be an indication that it's raining outside which wouldn't be a surprise for Seattle weather. "And I thought I was early…" He adjusts himself so that he's comfortable in the seat and folds his hands. He sighs like he just managed to catch his breath and licks his lips. "So what's up?"

I can't help myself…I just have to smile. "Nothing… just waiting for you, obviously." I rest my chin in my hand and continue smiling at him. I really wish I could stop smiling like an idiot but I can't help it. "Is it raining outside or did you just get out of the shower?"

"Little bit of both." He runs his hand through his hair like he's checking to see if it's still wet and wipes the dampness on his pant leg. "So what'd you do on your day off?"

"Went to the mall and spent my entire paycheck….that's about it." I clear my throat. "How was work?"

"Slow." He slips the cocktail waitress walking past us a ten dollar bill and grabs two beers off the tray she's carrying. He slides one bottle across the table at me. "I spent the whole day in the NICU because we were slow." I pick up my own beer and start to take the cap off of it. He twists the cap off his with ease and takes a sip of it. "Had a talk with your little boyfriend too."

"…You didn't!" I immediately put the bottle down and just stare at him. "Alex… no! What'd you say?! Come on… you didn't have to do that…"

"I did." He nods. "He doesn't get to put his hands on you. That doesn't fly."

"Just drop it…god." I roll my eyes. "I don't even want to know what you said to him… I don't even care. It was so unnecessary for you to do that. I said I have it under control and I do… I don't need you to fight my battles. Damn." It's starting out to seem like this is going to be a shitty end to a perfect day. He hasn't even been here five minutes and I'm already irritated with him. "Stay the hell out of my business… that wasn't your business!"

"When he's slamming you into walls, bruising your arm up all bad like that it IS my business. He doesn't get to hurt you Jo… that's not cool. He doesn't get to hit you or talk about you like you're a piece of meat. You don't deserve that and it's bullshit that you're fine with letting him do that to you. That's shit Jo and you know it is."

"I have it under control though, that what you're not getting! I don't need you to fight my battles. I don't need you to protect me. You're not my guardian angel and you're NOT my boyfriend. I have nothing to do with you aside from being your friend. That wasn't your place to talk to him without me knowing. I swear…" I look up at the ceiling and grind my teeth together. "I can handle Jason."

"Oh well." He shrugs. "It's over, it's done with. I talked to him about putting his hands on you and I told him I'd kill him if I ever found out he did it again. I don't care. I care about you and I care if someone's hurting you and I'm not gonna apologize for that."

"Whatever." I just shake my head and take the first sip of my beer. I don't want to end the night by being pissed off with him so hopefully I can change the subject to something better. "I kind of wish you would make up your mind. One day you hate me and then the next you're talking about beating people up over me. Which one is it? Do you hate me or are we friends?" I hope I didn't come off as brash or rude in saying that but I just can't take his mood swings anymore. it's getting to be too much for me to handle emotionally anymore.

"I never did hate you, Jo. I just—"A waitress stops at the table behind us which makes him stop in the middle of his sentence. I turn my bottle of beer up to my mouth again and take a small mouthful. "Are you hungry? Do you want to order something to eat?" He asks me. I have a mouthful of beer so I just nod instead of attempting to talk with my mouth full. I was expecting him to pick up on the sentence he left off on before he asked me if I was hungry but he doesn't. He runs his hand through his hair again and locks his eyes on mine. "I've decided that I'm not gonna try to stay away from you anymore, so there's that."

"Don't worry. I promise it won't happen again." I grab all of my hair that's resting in the middle of my back and move it over to the left side of my shoulder because it's tickling me. I was supposed to get a haircut with my paycheck today but I ended up spending all of it before I got the chance. I really need to get one soon because my hair is disgustingly long. There's no way it should come way past my boobs and touch my stomach when I'm sitting down. When I look up though, I notice that he's looking at me with a strange look on his face. "That was a lapse in my judgment and I'm ready to be your friend…just your friend."

He nods to acknowledge the fact that he heard what I just said to him and downs another gulp of his beer. It's so quiet between us that I can hear the music that's playing over the speakers on the dance floor and purely out of coincidence, Black Widow just so happens to be playing. When I hear it, a smile creeps across my lips. "Isn't this your favorite song?" I lean across the table to ensure that I'm playfully annoying him with my banter. "You used to be…thirsty for me…but now you wanna be set freeeeee."

"Shut up." He taps me on my forearm and sticks his tongue out at me like a five year old. "I lied to you. It's not really my favorite song. I don't listen to much mainstream music and that was the first song that I could think of that I thought you'd know. I didn't know if you'd ever heard of the Styx or Bon Jovi and crap like that."

"…I'm not an alien, of course I've heard of Bon Jovi." He must really think I come from another planet. Who in America hasn't heard of Bon Jovi? "I lived in my car, not under a rock."

"Did you really live in your car or are you just messing with me?"

"Why would I lie about that? I lived in my car all through high school. I don't tell everybody about that…but I wouldn't lie to you about that."

"How, though? I would've never guessed… You seem like you have your shit together and you've always had your shit together…I would've never even guessed." He folds his hands and sits back. "How does one come to live in a car?"

I tuck my hair behind my ear and look down at the table because I'm not sure if I'll be able to look him in his eye while I tell him. "I just got tired of the foster system, basically. I got tired of it. I got tired of bouncing from house to house, going to people that clearly didn't want me and to people that…" My voice cracks and I didn't even realize until now that I'm getting choked up. "People are horrible, Alex. And I got tired of it." I quickly pull myself together enough to finish. "So I was sixteen when my last foster home completely ruined everything for me and I ran away. I didn't run far… but I got the hell out of there and never looked back."

"And they just let you? They didn't even call the cops to find out where you went?"

I shake my head. "They didn't care. And it was a lot of lying all the time. I don't recommend that to anybody but especially not a high schooler. It's A LOT of lying. I'm just glad it's over." I look down at my hand and find a hangnail on my thumb. "So what'd you go to juvi for? Or were you lying about that?"

"Nah, I wasn't lying." He shakes his head. "Dad was a junkie that ran when he got the first chance, mom was schizo so she couldn't take care of us. I have a little brother and a little sister that needed to be fed and I wasn't old enough to get a job yet so I swiped some food from the grocery store…that old thing." I like how he doesn't make a big deal of it. I really think he understands me more than anybody because he seems to understand that every shitty situation doesn't require pity. He gets that some things aren't a big deal because that's life. I like how he just gets it. "You're actually lucky your parents walked before you got the chance to remember how shitty they could be."

"I guess that's one way to think of it." I tap my fingernails on the table. "I like to think that I'm a better person because of it. It sucks to know that nobody in my life has ever wanted me but I can't imagine actually growing up with parents that never wanted you in the first place. I guess growing up on my own taught me how to be independent. I'm a better person because of it." I sigh. "But it's just troubling to think that the one person in this world that's supposed to love you more than she loves herself….doesn't. It still kinda bothers me to think about a mother that could leave her baby."

"That's why I wanna have kids." He mutters and looks away because I think he's getting a bit emotional as well. "I wanna do everything right with my kids, you know? Everything my pop didn't do for me, I wanna do for my kid. I want a do-over… I wanna do it right. I'll be a great dad, I already know it." He clears his throat and grunts. "You ever feel like that? Like you want to do it right with your kids?"

"I don't want kids." I swear I've told him this before but maybe he didn't take me seriously. He looks at me with wide eyes and one eyebrow raised up like he doesn't understand what I just said…so I'll take a courtesy minute to explain that I'm not a heartless bitch that doesn't want children. "I just never had anyone around to teach me how to be a mom so I'd be a horrible one. I didn't have a mom to do my hair for the prom or hold me when I was sick or something. I don't even… I don't even know what mothers do. I just don't feel like I'm cut out to be somebody's mommy…being somebody's mother would be the worst possible thing for me."

"So you never want kids? Like…not even in the future?"

"No. And I'm adamant about that. I haven't wanted kids since I was like eighteen or nineteen and I haven't changed my mind yet so I probably never will. I love little kids and I love babies and I don't have any issues with babysitting or holding a baby but I don't want my own. I don't need to be a mom. Trust me, I don't need to be a mom. Birth control is my best friend. Been on it since I was seventeen and don't plan on being off it until I'm old enough for them to tie my tubes without a hassle."

"At least you realize that. At least you have the brains to realize that you don't want a kid so you're not gonna have one. You're smart about that."

"If by some miracle I got pregnant, I wouldn't abort my baby. I wouldn't abort it and I wouldn't give it up for adoption. I'd get accustomed to the fact that I'm gonna have to suck it up and be a mom and I'd love it and I'd keep it and I'd raise it… but I really don't want one." I don't really want to talk about babies anymore, so I lick my lips and switch tactics. "So do you know where you and Izzie are gonna go on your honeymoon?"

"…We haven't even thought about that yet." His mood instantly changes when we talk about that. I can tell that something's bothering him and just like me, he takes the opportunity to change the subject from his wedding to something else. Remind me to never bring that up to him again. "This is boring." He says, looking around to see everyone that's in the bar at this point.

"Yeah." I agree. It gets all silent again between us again and I hear the music playing again. It's a slower song this time but still a song I know and I catch myself mouthing the lyrics to myself. Isn't that how it usually how it goes? The song that's playing somehow relates to your love life? How cliché, right? "I'm falling apart…I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain there is healing…in your name, I find meaning…so I'm holding on…I'm barely holding onto you…"

"You like Lifehouse?" He must've caught me singing to myself.

"…Yeah a couple songs." I admit.

"Saw them in concert once. They came to Seattle my intern year and me and Izzie went to see them."

"Sweet." I put my tongue in my cheek because that song literally just got me. Don't you hate that? When you're in a perfectly good mood and then you hear a song that just fucks it up? I was doing so well too. I wasn't even thinking about wanting to be with him, I wasn't thinking about how I kissed him…I was being friendly. But that's all down the tubes.

"You wanna go back to my place? To watch a movie? It's boring here." He asks, sounding rather frustrated. I bite my lip and just look at him. I'm sorry but this sounds like something a boyfriend would ask his girlfriend. "As a friend, Jo… As a friend."

"…Okay."