A/N: Hi all! Sorry for the delayed update, this was harder to write for me! I worked 40 hours this weekend as well so was a bit exhausted to say the least. Thank you to my loyal reviewers SnapeSnapeSevRusSnape, DxGRAYxMAN as always! This chapter touches on how Renesmee struggles with the trauma of her mental attack, so its a lot of inner monologue from her, and an insight on how well Jacob can compose himself for his imprint, regardless if he's also struggling.

Chapter Nineteen – She's Come Undone

the delicate beginning rush
the feeling you can know so much
without knowing anything at all
and now that I can put this down
if I had known what I know now
I never would have played so nonchalant

-taylor swift, come back...be here

oOoOo

"Alright, just Jacob and Ness it is."

I squealed happily and threw myself at him, kissing his hot skin over and over.

"Thank you, Jacob."

I smiled to myself briefly, but then frowned. Finding my thoughts dipping past the bubble of immediate happiness I felt being with Jacob the last few hours.

Jacob shot me a glance of concern, "What's the matter baby?"

I sucked in my breath as my brain bombarded itself with flashes of my memories from the last month. It was like my brain was rapidly firing off, triggering this . . . episode. Reminding me that my happiness could be stolen away.

I found myself flying through every moment, and recognizing every point in which my life was shifting. When I found out about my parents past, how the thought of Jacob scared me. When my parents first told me who he was; what he was. Then when we met, and how all of that fear dissipated. My mind flashed around in no particular order, just ping-ponging through memories; most of them surrounding Jacob.

"I – I don't know." I mumbled out. I shook my head and the thoughts slowed down. "I don't know what just happened . . . it was like . . . I was using my gift on myself. Ugh. That doesn't even make sense."

"Show me, then. Show me what just happened." He demanded, obviously concerned for me.

My eyes flickered to his, then to the road. I hesitated at first, but reached my hand out to lay on to his forearm. I opened the connection and pushed the erratic thoughts into his head.

He nodded and furrowed his brows, "Are you okay now?"

I pursed my lips, "I think so."

Jacob sighed long, and took my left hand in his right one, bringing it to his mouth and kissing the top of it. "I know the last few days have been incredibly stressful, but I promise once we get to La Push it will all slow down. We'll be able to relax and just . . . hang out. Okay?"

I nodded feebly, but couldn't get out of my own head.

I could tell we were about to pass through Forks, and would be to La Push in a little under 30 minutes. Time had gone by so quick, that I barely registered I was extremely sleepy, but my nerves and anxieties were keeping me awake. A million scenarios were running through my mind now. What would I say to Billy? I hadn't even thought about that yet, amongst the millions of other things my mind occupied itself with tonight. Would he accept me for who I am? What about the other wolves? My anxiety deepened, as well as my self doubt.

I had only ever known how to truly coexist with my family. Being around humans at school was so much different than the close knit community that ran through the reservation that I had heard so many stories of. Here, I would be surrounded by these humans almost all day, everyday. That's a lot different than a block of seven hours. I never had trouble with my thirst, but that could change. What if I did something bad?

I held my arms crossed, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth and nervously bounced my knee trying to work though my thoughts.

"You okay, Ness?"

I startled and dropped my arms, "Hm? Yeah." I insisted quickly, flashing him an unconvincing smile. I certainly couldn't tell him I was second guessing pretty much my whole existence.

He dropped his hand to my thigh and squeezed it gently, "He'll love you. They all will."

I sighed and shot him a concerned glance. I'll just go with that. He doesn't have to know everything else I'm worried about, right?

"What if they don't? I'm still a vampire." I mumbled softly.

"Yeah, it's unorthodox. But, the pack knows how it goes; the elders understand. The Alpha's imprint is the most important."

I grumbled and dropped my head back against the head rest. "I just don't want to feel like any more of a freak than I already am."

Jacob grabbed my hand and tugged, forcing me to look at him. "Renesmee – you are not a freak. You're incredible, and I think you'll have a wonderful impact on everyone's lives in La Push." He pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed my palm gently. "Everything happens for a reason."

I nodded weakly and shifted myself so I could lean against his shoulder. He always knew what to say to me. How did he know? How did he understand me in such a short amount of time? I watched intently as Jacob turned onto the road that led into La Push, passing the welcome sign. A million knots bundled in my stomach, and I actually felt my palms begin to sweat.

"Jake." I whispered, feeling the sting of tears prick my eyes. I buried my face into his arm and inhaled, using his scent to calm my nerves.

"We're fine, honey."

I sighed heavily and pulled away, giving him a weak smile. "Okay. We're okay." I said mostly to myself.

The car came to a stop in front of a little red house, and I froze when I saw Jacob's best friends Quil and Embry standing next to Billy on the small front porch. From all the pictures I had see of the pack men, and some of the stories I've heard - I knew Jacob would be ecstatic to be reunited with the two of them most of all. I watched Jake as his face spread into a huge grin and he turned off the car.

"Come on, Ness!" He said, the excitement in his voice making my heart swell. I had been so busy worrying about myself that I hadn't even registered until now how good this must feel for Jacob to be home after so long. A home he was coming back to because of me.

That's another good thing to come of this. I had to get out of my head with all these worries.

He got out of the car and jogged around to my side, pulling the door open and helping me out. He whisked me into his body and wrapped me up in a tight hug, leaning down and kissing my temple.

"I love you." He whispered, resting his forehead against mine. I bit my lip and closed the distance, kissing him with everything I had. All my worries almost melted away when I felt his lips.

Almost.

"Wooo!" Someone hollered, forcing us to break away from each other and smile bashfully.

Jacob wrapped his arm around me and led me towards the house. As soon as we were walking up the ramp, he let go of me to grab both men into tight hugs, smacking each other on the backs.

"Jake, it's so good to see you." Quil exclaimed, his mouth spread in a big grin. Quil was conventionally attractive, and had an innocence to his face with his round features and big dark eyes.

"Quil." Jacob boomed, resting his hand on his shoulder. "How are you? How's Claire?"

He smiled even brighter at Jacob. "Amazing. She just turned eleven! I can't believe it. She's growing like a weed these days."

Jacob had told me about Quil's child imprint Claire, and the extent of their somewhat complex relationship. I had found it odd that he imprinted on a toddler, but as Jacob told me many times before; the spirits bring imprints together for a bigger purpose than just what appears at the surface. I had my own theories on his imprinting path. Jacob had told me Quil had a hard time coming to terms with his shifting journey, and it happened when he was just fifteen. He was still a child, who suddenly had to change his life and become a protector to hundreds of people. It made me wonder if he found Claire so he could retain childhood innocence, and grow into his role.

I had yet to figure out why Jacob imprinted on me, but I didn't want to spend too much time questioning it. Again, I was recognized being a half-vampire, half-human hybrid in love with a 'werewolf' was a bit odd. In all logical reasoning it made no sense; we were supposed to be mortal enemies.

"Jake, man. It's been boring around here without you." Embry told him, bringing me out of my deep thoughts. He had a straight, wide jaw and heavy brows and looked much more serious in person than in all of the photos I'd seen.

Jacob towered over both of them, by quite a few inches but they were still extremely tall compared to my shorter stature at 5'4''. My eyes landed on Billy, who was staring at me intently. He had a warmth to his eyes, and long black and gray hair hidden behind a black Stetson hat.

"Hi, Billy. I'm Renesmee." I spoke, ignoring the men's reunion and extending my hand to his. I needed to make a good impression, and waiting for Jacob to introduce us wasn't how I envisioned making that happen. He blinked a few times and then gave me a warm smile that looked just like my Jacobs. My eyes flashed to Jake and his two friends who stopped and stared at me when I spoke. I hadn't meant to, but my voice came out melodic and breathy as it usually did when I talked with most humans. It made them more comfortable if I sounded . . . innocent.

"Renesmee." He repeated, and grasped my hand with his two rough ones. "Jacob has told me so much about you. I've been looking forward to meeting you."

I blushed hard, and dipped my head down so my hair fell past my face. I bit my lip when I lifted my eyes to look at him again. "The feeling is mutual. Thank you for allowing me to stay in your home, myself and my family really appreciate your kindness."

I flashed him my best Cullen smile and pulled my hand back to tuck loose curls behind my ear.

Jacob wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed my head once before dipping down and engulfing his father in a hug.

"Dad, I've missed you."

Billy chuckled, and lovingly jostled Jacob before pulling away. "It's so great to see you, Son."

Jacob nodded and gestured to his friends. "Nessie, this is Quil and Embry."

I gave them both a bright grin. "Hi! It's really amazing to meet you two, Jacob has told me so many stories."

Embry laughed and grabbed Quil around the shoulders and tried to shove him down, "Oh yeah? Hope they were good ones."

I bit my lip and nodded, "Of course."

Quil surprised me by pulling me into a hug, and lifting me off the ground. "Welcome to the family, Nessie!"

"Alright, alright. Don't you two have somewhere to be? I think Ness is pretty tired, and we're keeping my old man up." Jacob said while nodding his head towards the woods.

Embry rolled his eyes and held his hands up in mock defense. "Yeah, okay. Quil has to go sleep under his Claire-bears window anyways."

Quil shoved Embry past us down the ramp, "You're a dick." He told him while laughing. "We'll see you tomorrow at Sam's for breakfast!" He called back to us over his shoulder as the two men jogged into the tree line.

I shot them a small wave and looked back to Billy, who nodded to himself and turned his chair, leading us into the house. "Well, come on in. It's not getting any warmer out here, not that you two would mind."

I chuckled to myself at his joke, undoubtedly understanding he probably knew it took a lot for either of us to feel the cold. I took in the warm home once we were through the small door, noticing how timeless it was. It looked just like what I envisioned; a quaint cabin filled with history and memories. The front door opened into the living room, and to the left was the small kitchen. I noticed down the halls a set of doors, which I could only assume are bedrooms and bathrooms.

"Billy, your home is lovely." I murmured, and interlaced my fingers with Jacob's.

Billy chuckled to himself, "You don't need to flatter me, it's just an old man's home these days. Nothing special."

I felt a tinge of sadness knowing he lived her by himself.

"It looks the exact same, dad." Jacob teased, grasping his shoulder.

Billy waved him off and wheeled himself into the living room where he promptly turned on the TV. "Which is just the way I like it." He flashed us both a smile before lifting himself out of his chair and onto the couch with a lot more grace that I would have imagined. "I already ate dinner, but Sue came by earlier with some lasagna so help yourselves."

Jacob nodded and pulled me towards the small kitchen. "Sit down, Ness – I'll make you a plate." I blushed hard for no other reason than Jacob's kindness, and sat down at the small wooden table.

While resting my chin in my hands, I stared up at Jacob as he fumbled around the small kitchen, that almost was too small for his large frame. I wondered to myself, if this is what life would be like. I had been so concerned with the sudden changes, I didn't contemplate how easy it was to be with Jacob. He pulled a dish out of the refrigerator and cut a small piece of lasagna for me onto a plate, and then took nearly half the pan for himself. He popped them into the microwave and leaned against the counter with his arms crossed, facing me.

"Hungry?" I teased, knowing how much he could eat.

He shot me a mock glare and gave me a dazzling smile. "Hell yeah, being your chaperon is hard work. Works up an appetite."

I frowned at his joke, knowing that wasn't his intention but . . . it still stung. Jacob was risking a lot by bringing me to his home. I was deemed an outsider just based on where I came from and who I was. He truly was like my chaperon, knowing most of the reservation probably would never trust me alone. My anxiety came back, probably ruining any lighthearted moment we were experiencing. Jeesh, my mood swings are running havoc on my mind.

"Ah, Ness . . . I didn't mean it like that." He urged, setting the plates down on the table along with glasses of water as he pulled a chair out to sit next to me.

I bit my lip and shifted in my seat, "I know. I just still feel . . . guilty. Like, I've done something bad just by being here. I don't want to be a burden." I whispered, hoping to not alert Billy to our private conversation.

Jacob pulled one of my hands away from my face and kissed my palm while staring intently into my eyes. "You are not a burden, Renesmee Cullen. You've done nothing wrong. You deserve freedom, and happiness just like every other person that exists." Jacob told me sternly, trying to make sure I understood him.

I sighed, "Yeah but . . . even half-vampires?"

He smirked, "Especially half-vampires . . . one in particular."

I giggled to myself and looked away, "Oh, Nahuel right?"

He mock growled and pulled me out of the chair and into his lap. "You're gonna get it if you keep that up." He said as he brushed kisses along my neck. I blushed crimson and pushed myself away in embarrassment.

It was so easy to fall into him like this; he made it so easy to forget about the hurt.

"Ja – ke!" I yelled under my breath, flashing my eyes to Billy who was in the living room. I saw he was smirking to himself, obviously aware of Jacob being a flirt right in front of him.

"What?" He asked innocently while catching my lips in a chaste kiss.

I kissed him briefly before jumping back into my seat and giving him a glare. "Eat your lasagna." I mumbled, fighting the smile that wanted to spread across my face.

He raised his eyebrows and smirked before shoveling a big bite into his mouth. He barely chewed before gulping it down. "I might have another meal I'd enjoy though."

I actually choked on the water I was sipping and set the glass down forcefully, whipping my head in his direction. "Jacob Black!" I scolded.

He shrugged and went back to basically inhaling his food. I let out a big sigh and ate too, much slower than him though.

"Alright, you two. I would love to stay up and talk after you finish but uh - I'm feeling my age tonight. Goodnight, I'll see you in the morning." Billy interrupted us before swiftly retreating down the hall to what I assumed to be his bedroom.

I shot Jacob a look and he burst out laughing. His white teeth shone with delight against the dim kitchen lighting. I felt my stomach clench seeing his happiness, and was thankful for Billy's abrupt leave.

It dawned on me . . .no mind reading father, no vampires with super sonic hearing . . . no one to listen in or have any qualms about what I wanted to do to him. That realization was finally sinking in, and I was struggling with my emotions over it. I was so thankful to have Jacob, but that didn't stop my sadness. But, I knew Jacob could make me feel better. Just like he had the other night.

I felt my eyes haze over and I lowered my chin and looked at him under my thick lashes.

Jacob's laughing calmed down and he began to fidget in his seat.

"Jacob." I hummed softly, his name dripped from my lips with lust. Maybe being with him would ease my tension?

He shoved his plate away from him suddenly uninterested. We both stood at the same time and our chests heaved with temptation.

I bit my lip and got a boost of confidence, "Are you still hungry, Jacob?"

He inhaled stiffly, his toffee eyes turning onyx with lust in seconds. I smirked to myself and pushed Jacob across the kitchen, against the wall.

He raised his eyebrows as his hands snaked around my waist, pulling against him roughly. His hands flitted at the hem of my shirt before dipping under the fabric and running his calloused palms over my hips and back. I stifled the moan that tried to escape from my throat, his hands felt so good. Hot, rough and soft at the same time.

"I missed you." He huskily whispered in my ear before sucking on the skin under my earlobe.

I let out a soft moan as I reveled in the feeling of his lips against my neck. I could feel his teeth smirking against my delicate, yet stone skin. "I missed you, more." I barely managed to get out as he attacked my neck and chest with kisses.

In a blur, he had me pinned against the wall now. Moving faster than I had ever seen him before. I didn't waste time before I hiked myself up and wrapped my legs around his hips, locking my ankles behind him. We both hissed at the friction, and a smile danced across my lips.

"Do you want me, Jacob?" I mumbled, noticing his growing stiffness under his joggers.

He chuckled huskily and snaked one hand under my backside and the other through my hair. I placed my palms on his shoulders and opened my connection, showing him I enjoyed when he was rough with me and that I wanted to feel his wolf side.

Yes. This would definitely ease my tension.

He groaned and dropped his head into the crook of my neck, laughing slightly. "You are trouble."

I bit my lip and nuzzled my cheek against his hair. "You don't have to be so gentle with me, I won't break."

He lifted his head and pressed his forehead against mine. "I know you won't . . . I just want to be respectful."

I snickered and showed him another image, this time one of my fantasies where Jacob took me from behind, sprawled over his desk at school. How rough and commanding his was. How I submitted under the Alpha.

He let out a low, warning growl and somehow his eyes darkened even more. "How do you even think these things up?"

I let out a twinkling laugh, and gripped his face with both of my hands. Jacob didn't have to know how – but I'm sure he had an idea. When I first began feeling the fluttering of lust for him deep in the pit of my stomach, I researched. I knew I wouldn't be getting any information out of my family who all thought I was some innocent angel who didn't have sexual needs . . . but, I was a half-vampire after all, and vampires tended to be extremely sexual beings.

"Don't you think about it too?" I innocently questioned, licking my lips as I tasted his breath on my tongue.

He stiffened when the aroma of my arousal swarmed in the air of the small kitchen. He closed his eyes for a second, then opened them to stare at me with such intensity it caused my hips to twitch against him. He wasted no more time talking, and crashed his lips against mine. Our kissing was feverish, desperate as they tended to be every time we had kissed the last few days. It was like we were both scared that we would never get enough.

I parted my lips and let his tongue dive into my mouth, something that he obviously had wanted badly. It was like he was begging for entrance the way he was tracing along my bottom lip with his hot tongue. I automatically shifted my hips against him, trying to lift myself and deepen our already intense kiss. He groaned into my mouth and bit my bottom lip softly, eliciting a deep growl from my chest that I didn't know I was able to make.

He pulled away, breathless, and squeezed my backside harder. My eyes nearly rolled to the back of my skull feeling his rough hands through my thin leggings.

He smirked, "You like when I do that?"

I nodded and brought my lips back to his, kissing him chastely. "I like whatever you do to me."

He growled again and held me closer to him, pushing us away from the wall. I gasped, and held onto him, my eyes flying open to see he was taking us out of the kitchen.

"Jacob – "

He smirked, and nearly kicked open a wooden door some ways down the hall that revealed a small, dark bedroom that smelled just like Jacob – albeit the scent was faint and old. It was obviously his bedroom.

"Can't risk the old man catching us." He teased, and heeled the door shut behind us. He didn't even bother flicking on the light before dropping us to the bed and hovering over me.

My heart rate was erratic, wildly beating with anticipation of what would happen next. I had known what Jacob could do with his hands, and I badly wanted to feel them curl inside me once more.

He growled again, obviously hearing my enticing thoughts with my palms still open on his shoulders.

Seconds past, and that's all it took for my anxieties to pop right back into my mind. Before I could stop them they flooded out through my palm, right to Jacob. All of my fears, my uncertainty over my sanity after what had happened, my confusion over my looming fertility, my hormonal reactions to his touch . . .

Jacob stiffened, and I knew he was able to hear my thoughts. My cheeks flared into a hot blush and I pulled my hands back into balled fists, keeping my thoughts to myself. I really didn't want him to know I was having this internal turmoil. He had enough to deal with.

"Nessie, are you alright?" He asked gently, his voice was quiet and calm.

I looked away from his dark eyes and fixated my gaze on the wooden dresser against his wall, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. I was embarrassed – mostly because my palms exposed my insecure thoughts, but more so to the fact that I didn't want him to think I was crazy.

"I'm tired of hearing that question." I shot at him, not looking away from the dresser.

I could tell my tone hurt his feelings, and I instantly regretted getting snappy.

"I'm sorry." I muttered, turning to look at him. "I'm just . . . I don't know. I've never felt this . . . wound up. Like, I can't relax."

He nodded, and had sat up to look at me closer. The once desperate lust between us had faded as he could sense my tension now. ""I know. I can feel it."

I sighed and blew out my cheeks. "He just really fucking frazzled me."

Jacob's eyes widened when I cursed, something I usually didn't do . . . but why did it matter now? No parents, right?

I weakly chuckled at my dark joke, eliciting even more concern from Jacob.

"Ness . . . please tell me what's wrong." He pleaded with me again, sadness flickering over his features.

I sighed and pushed myself up, sitting across from him with my hands in my lap. How do I ever tell him any of this?

"Jacob, I just feel crazy. I don't know how to explain it. I was okay for most of our trip . . . and then when that thing happened in the car, it forced me to unravel again. I don't feel like I have control all the time and I'm scared."

He was serious now as he stared into my eyes. "About what?"

"About a lot of things. If I'll ever see my family again, if I'll be accepted here, if I'll go back to normal, if we should ever even have a baby one day . . . what if the Volturi find out?"

Jacob blinked a few times, and opened his mouth to talk before snapping it shut. His jaw tensed and he stood up, the bed creaking from the movement. He turned around, then came back to face me with his arms crossed.

"Then . . . we don't have a baby. We don't even need to think about that right now, Nessie." He stated simply. I could tell it pained him to say that. Jacob had always wanted a family deep down, and I knew that even before we became romantic. The longing was evident every time he talked about his pack mates with their wives and their future filled with children.

"But, that's not what you want." I replied, sass creeping out of my tone.

He sighed and scrubbed his face, "Why are you worrying about this?"

I bit my lip and shrugged, playing with the comforter I sat under.

"Tell me, Nessie." He demanded, his Alpha command forcing me to shiver.

"Because – I don't know!" I whisper yelled, throwing my hands up in exasperation. "When it first started; I was so overwhelmed and full of joy that maybe I could have a baby. I never even had that desire until I met you! But, I've also never lived . . . you know? This is my first time away from my family. My first time away from home, besides the vacations with my family. This isn't vacation, though. This is my new life. I feel like . . . I don't want to run into this when I don't even know a thing about children. I've never even seen a real baby, Jacob." I exploded, but kept my voice a frustrated whisper. He stayed quiet, waiting for me to finish.

"Besides myself, which is still weird to think about how I was a hyper-aware infant who could do multiplication. I don't even know if I like children. You know how impatient I can get, and you've only known me for a month. My birthday was three days ago. That's seventy-two hours, Jacob." I rushed out, my ramblings turning anxious and flustered.

Jacob's mouth dropped open and he rushed to my side, pulling me against his chest. "Renesmee, if I would have known talking about kids was going to make you so overwhelmed I never would have brought it up. I can see now that was a step too fast. We'll slow down, honey. It's just hard . . . for me to remember that we've only been together a short time. It feels like I've known you my whole life."

I nodded feebly, understanding exactly what he meant. It was so easy to get swept up in the possibilities and the talks of our future together.

In my heart, I knew he was right. I wanted to tell him I was fine; I'm not overwhelmed. But, that would be a lie and I cannot lie to my Jacob. I was already one to avoid my feelings, I knew that much. Anytime I was upset with my vampire family or couldn't handle all the information my brain was processing, I would dash off into the woods. So, now all I wanted to do was run off into the woods to be alone to think this madness through. Especially after what he had . . . done to me. He scrambled my brain past the point of simple concern.

My family was gone, and I didn't know when I would ever see them again, and it was all because of them. They should be with me. We should be together, but we're not and every uncertain thought hung in the air just dangling in front of me – out of arms reach. I didn't know if they'd be there when I did marry Jacob, if I ever did have a baby . . . and I couldn't figure out if it was the speed of our fast moving relationship that scared me more or the fact that my family probably wouldn't be around to see any of it.

My family hadn't really prepared me that well for life without them. Because no one saw that as an option. They would always be around – they were always supposed to be around. I didn't know a damn thing about life besides the obvious and what I had been taught. They were supposed to help me along the way, and ease me into this whole grown-up existence.

"I don't know, Jacob. I think it's just been a long day and I'm tired." I snapped at him, falling back against his pillows.

He crawled up to lay beside me, and pushed the curls away from my cheek. "Honey, I can see the wheels turning in your head. You don't have to shut me out." He pleaded, wrapping a hot arm around my waist and bringing me against his back.

"Aren't you scared too?" I whispered as tears flooded over my eyes.

Jacob held me tighter and nodded against my hair. "Of course I am."

"Then why haven't you told me."

He sighed, "Because, I want to be strong for you. I don't want you to worry about me. I need to take care of you, and keep you safe and happy. That's all that matters to me."

I scooted over and turned my body on the squeaky bed to face him. I grasped his cheeks with my palms and pushed all of my emotions into him; fear, love, heartbreak, devotion, uncertainty, anger, lust.

I showed him how my hormones couldn't just settle on one feeling and it was making me want to explode.

"Jacob; how do I get it to . . . stop?" I asked softly, feeling so small and immature in that moment.

He rested his forehead against mine and kissed my nose, before flashing his dark eyes open to stare into mine. "You breathe, Nessie. The first time I phased . . . it was kind of like how you're feeling. Everything was crashing around in my head, and I was feeling everything at once. I was so freaked out. Sam came into my head and said 'Breathe, Jacob.' And so I did, for a long time. I just sat there and breathed until I was clutching dirt in my human hands and the trembling stopped. Sometimes shit just hurts and doesn't make sense but that's the beauty of life; you feel it, you process it, then you use it to grow. You'll be okay, honey. I promise."

I felt myself silently begin to sob at his words. His confidence seemed unwavering; and I knew then that as long as I had Jacob I could get through this.