Wooot! I'm so, so sorry for the long absence! I haven't abandoned this story at all - I've been insanely busy with some original stuff and I'm really excited to say that I wrote a full-length novel last year, and am currently over halfway through the second! I took a break last fall to spend some time with craft books to try and improve my prose, so there might be a little shift with the second scene in the chapter and I hope it agrees with you all!
Sorry it's a little short, I just wanted to whet your appetites and reassure you that I'm not gone :3 My tumblr ended up deleted somehow, so you can find me at nananabooooo, so feel free to come and say hi!
Instincts were a hard thing to come up from.
Even when the conscious mind knew that everything was okay, the body had to relax in its own time - especially when coming up from situations where instinct and emotion had begun to cloud judgement. The sluggish, honeyed feeling of relaxation made Sakura decide to curl up in her bed to await its disappearance. The tremors from her body believing herself to be in the presence of a dangerous alpha - despite knowing herself not to be in any danger - didn't dissipate for an hour or so.
She curled up with a vapid magazine in her hands, flipping though pages of ads and photoshoots to try to occupy her mind. To try not to think too hard about what had just happened - but she failed miserably.
She knew why he said those things, why he'd acted that way - hell, he'd said it himself: You should be frightened. He was trying to frighten her into avoiding her alphas on the basis of their instincts, but… Sakura already knew what an alpha's instincts screamed for them to do. She wasn't an idiot - she knew that being near her made them want to touch, to chase, to-
She stopped mid-thought. And inwardly questioned what exactly her sensei thought he was trying to do.
Did he think she was really that naive?
Sheltered, maybe. Maybe she'd never engaged in physical contact before the bite, maybe she was still a virgin, but an omega's instincts led to desire just the same as an alpha's. And Sakura had felt plenty of desire where her alphas were concerned.
Maybe more than just her alphas, she thought unbidden.
Even then...
Her ears burned at the memory of the things he'd said to her-
I smell you and my mouth waters.
She hid her face in the magazine.
Even the mere suggestion that her teacher felt those things around her, that he had to suppress the desire to do the same things her alphas had done.
-to keep myself from pinning you down-
-I want to chase, want to press the advantage-
-keeping still for me-
-stop myself from the urge to reward you for it-
She had to physically shake her head to clear it of the echoes of the things he'd said to her - god he had a filthy mouth, saying things like that to her! It must be those stupid books he read, the old pervert!
It embarrassed her how even thinking of those things made her stomach warm, how it reminded her that yes, maybe...
Maybe I like being chased.
Maybe I like-
She threw the magazine across the room and called it a failure, stumbling into the bathroom and turning the taps onto scalding hot water. She slapped a sheet mask onto her face, tied her hair into a conditioner-soaked knot, and sunk neck-deep into bubbles with a dejected frown on her face.
She did not expect her eventual sexual awakening to involve rogue nin or her sensei and she was in the process of coming to grips with that, thank you very much - she told herself in a snide tone.
I need a drink. She thought, and cursed herself for taking too much after her shishou.
Then she realized, No. She needed to talk to someone or this would drive her crazy. If she had to walk around the village carrying the weight of what she'd just learned then she would end up screaming from the rooftops in no time at all.
The next day found Sakura darting through the village and looking for a familiar head of hair. Past shops, restaurants, and homes she went with a brown bag clutched in her hands. The paper crinkled under her tense grip.
No, not at home.
No, not at the Hokage's tower.
He shouldn't be this difficult to find!
She craned her head to look at the sky and surmised the time to be around noon. She thought she might have an inkling of where to find her unlikely confidant. Her steps changed direction, purpose sending her feet flying faster along the path.
The little restaurant loomed ahead, crammed between a dive bar and a weapons shop, the curtain concealing its entryway. She raised up a hand to brush the curtain aside, made to enter, and nearly knocked Shikamaru to the floor.
He reeled back, eyebrows jumping high on his face.
"Whoah, jeez Sakura. Are you trying to kill me?"
A startled laugh escaped her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to run you over. I was hoping you might have a few minutes." She said sheepishly.
His eyes narrowed.
She held out the brown bag.
Deft fingers pulled apart the top, eyes peeking inside.
"Are you really bribing me with sake?"
Her eyes gleamed, an evil smile on her face. If there was one thing her shishou had taught her it was that very few people would refuse to talk to her if she brought them alcohol first.
Shikamaru gazed into the bag for a long moment, his amusement given away only by the twitching of his lip. He shook his head at her and Sakura's heart dropped for that split-second.
"Only if we're sharing," he said. "I can't drink this all myself."
Which was how Sakura found herself in one of the abandoned training grounds with her back propped up against a tree and Shikamaru watching the clouds sail by from his vantage point on the grass. They'd passed the bottle of sake back and forth until the heat of the alcohol had bloomed in their cheeks and it now lay empty in the grass. Wind ruffled the leaves of trees like the soft pattering of rain and danced through lush branches, clutching close the sound of their voices against any unwitting eavesdroppers.
Sakura burped.
"I give it a five," Shikamaru said.
"That's at least a seven!" she said. "You can't drag my scores down to make your own puny burps look better, Shika."
"I have to be impartial. I can't curve my grading to soothe your ego, Sakura."
She reached over and flicked him on the forehead, eliciting a hiss, but the look on Shikamaru's face was so betrayed, so full of outrage, that she couldn't stop laughing if she tried. The sound of it rang throughout the training grounds, leaping out of her with all the unavoidable force of the burp she'd just emitted. Her ribcage ached with it. How long had it been since Sakura had laughed that hard?
Ages, it felt.
Shikamaru seemed to agree, judging from the curl of his lips.
"I worried that we might not hear that again," he said.
Sakura tilted her head with a questioning hum.
"You laughing," he said. "Or smiling - and not those fake ones, either. I couldn't blame you for it, but it's still nice to see."
With life growing so much more complicated than it had been when Sakura was a child, reasons to laugh were harder to come by. But that wasn't the real reason, she knew, because when shinobi were held captive for any extended period of time they hardly returned home the same as when they'd left - and so much had changed inside her that finding joy required her heart's muscles to beat in patterns they'd never tapped out before.
Heal. Change. Redirect.
Alter courses, like the river, for when running water pooled it only left depths to sink into.
"I didn't realize I'd been so glum," Sakura said.
"Hmmm, not glum," he said. "More watchful, perhaps, but you've more inner strength than you give yourself credit for."
"Hardly," she said. "I'm all tangled up, now, and I can't make sense of anyone around me anymore. Like my sensei, for example…"
Sakura tugged at a handful of grass and the words died in her throat. The thought of her sensei, of how much their relationship had changed despite his best wishes, was enough to deepen the flush on her cheeks. To even associate Kakashi with the things he'd said - even if he'd said them with a purpose - brought to her that same niggling feeling of embarrassment as being caught in a room where one had no business being.
Shikamaru's gaze had turned serious.
"What did he do?" he demanded.
"Nothing!"
A lie.
"He just-" Sakura said, rubbing her hands across her face. "I'm trying to accept what's happened. I know he has no reason to trust them, but… I'd like to move on, Shikamaru, and use the pieces I have now to build something better. I don't care about the 'should'"
"He has a point, Sakura. People have to earn your trust - you shouldn't hand it out just because of a bite."
"No. But it's not about whether or not I trust them now. Maybe it's too forgiving of me, but I can let them prove it, can't I?"
Shikamaru rolled up into a seated position, resting his elbows on his knees and giving her a flat look that had Sakura tensing.
"Do you feel like you have to give them that choice because you're stuck with them?" he asked.
Did she? Was the entire thing chemicals and false emotions? Was her sensei right about her alphas, that she was trying to build something better upon the foundation of empty feelings and lies? Something in her raged against that thought, not the beast that now lay dormant but the tightening of her chest and beading of liquid in her eyes that accompanied the inner cry of unfair!
And it was. The entire thing was unfair.
When had Sakura allowed herself to want something? When had she admitted to wants at all, much less pursuing something 'unnecessary' or something that had no impact on her duty to her village or her life as its blade? Her alphas could strive to become worthy and to repair the damage they'd caused and that would bring Sakura peace, to be sure, but for once she wanted to have something of her own that wasn't mandated by her village.
"No, I don't," Sakura said. "Maybe it's greedy or foolish, but this isn't about that… What if I just want them? Is that so bad? If I thought it might make me happy, isn't that enough? Our lives are so short, and if we don't take things when they're offered… We'll never have them."
The breath that left him was akin to a sigh, but Shikamaru's gaze was more gentle than she'd ever seen it.
"If that's enough for you, who am I to order otherwise?" he asked. "I just want you to know that you can choose, and I think that's the sentiment Kakashi is managing to butcher. You have options, and all I ask is that you consider them all."
"I can do that," she said.
Sakura reached out for another flick, but Shikamaru leaned back just in time.
"Now I know why you don't give out advice," she said. "You're too good - you'd never have a minute to yourself."
"I know," he whined. "Don't tell anyone."
Sakura stood with a grin and swayed dangerously on her feet as she scooped up the empty bottle. She tucked it under her arm and offered a hand to help him rise.
"I won't," she promised.