Before Everything
Chapter 17
The next day, Mike went to his appointment with Dr. Smith alone. He and Hannah had done better since his fall, talking more, cuddling a lot and there was no tension. It was like they had finally broke the ice, but Mike didn't want things to freeze back over. Mike explained the accident to Dr. Smith and waited for her advice, which didn't seem very sound.
"As bad as it sounds, this needed to happen with Hannah. She sees you as her rescuer." Dr. Smith said.
"I didn't pull her from the stream. Kaitlyn did that." Mike argued.
"She doesn't remember that. What she remembers is you being there when she woke up, keeping her warm and holding her all last night." Dr. Smith said.
"Isn't it what any father would do? I did feel like I was hogging her a bit, but Christine didn't seem to mind." Mike asked.
"She didn't mind because she knew you and Hannah needed that time. I'm sure she didn't go too far." Dr. Smith answered as she fiddled with her pen.
"Before, I was still really angry at Hannah. Now that seems like it is just gone." Mike commented.
"Its not gone. You can't act as if it doesn't exist. It still has to be addressed but it has tapered. If not, it will rear its ugly head again." Dr. Smith said.
"I can see that." Mike agreed.
"Alright, we are going to get to the crux of all this. I think it is a resentment from long before the Red Flu. Did you want another girl after having your oldest daughter?" Dr. Smith asked.
"I always wanted a big family." Mike answered.
"Didn't answer my question. Some men feel emasculated by having multiple daughters. Granted, at the time of Hannah's birth, you had a boy as well." Dr. Smith explained.
"I never had a problem with my daughter's gender. She's my baby girl." Mike said defensively.
"But you would have preferred a boy?" Dr. Smith asked.
"I had a boy! Have one now too. Doc, what the hell are you doing?" Mike asked.
"Let me ask this. If Hannah had died instead of Lucas, would you have mourned her?" Dr. Smith asked.
"Of course." Mike answered.
"You would have missed her the way you miss Lucas?" Dr. Smith continued.
"Yes." Mike answered.
"So, why did you resent her initially? Why did you allow her to go through those medical tests?" Dr. Smith asked.
"Because we had to come up with a cure that could be transmitted from human to human and Hannah was immune. She saved millions of lives. The only price she paid was some discomfort. I was with her every step of the way." Mike answered.
"That didn't answer the full question. Why did you resent her? More so, do you still?" Dr. Smith pressed on.
"I think my initial reaction was very misconstrued. I had just found out my son had died. Was in the middle of the Arctic and couldn't help my wife or my daughters and felt helpless." Mike said.
"I would say that it probably got overblown, but there is a basis for it. So, we have determined that you may not have resented Hannah for being a girl, and you feel justified in your actions after the Red Flu. You can not fault Hannah for having hurt feelings though. She is just a little girl without your coping mechanisms. She is grieving for her twin brother. But in some ways, she is grieving for her father too." Dr. Smith remarked.
"What do you mean? I'm alive." Mike asked.
"I mean that she lost the closeness that you and she shared at one time. When I spoke with her, she mentioned that when you hugged her, it felt stiff and because her mom was making you." Dr. Smith said.
"My older daughter made a remark that while I've hugged Hannah, I haven't hugged her with my heart. That sounds like what your implying." Mike said.
"I think deep down you harbor some hard feelings where Hannah is concerned, but I also think Hannah's fall was a wake-up call for you. The trick is going to be if you can keep those hard feelings at bay or let go of them altogether." Dr. Smith said.
"I still haven't figured out why I would have hard feelings." Mike said.
"When a parent loses a child, sometimes they have to have someone or something to fixate their anger on. You and your wife have a complex relationship, but you love her with all of your heart. Your older daughter is an absolute joy. Who could be angry at her? But with Hannah, she is more like you and sometimes parents have the hardest time with the child most like them. They see the parts of them that they don't much care for." Dr. Smith said as she stood up.
"Hannah has her good points." Mike said.
"So, focus on those. Write them down if need be. Give her a hug with your heart." Dr. Smith said.
"See you tomorrow?" Mike asked. It was his session with Hannah.
"Yep. You'll have your say tomorrow." Dr. Smith said with a smile. They shook hands and Mike headed home, thinking about all that Dr. Smith had said. She had made a point, Hannah was a lot like him, and sometimes that grated on his last nerve. But, how did he fix it?