She can't go with Steve from camp to lab, mostly because she's needed in Brooklyn bright and early, to get everything done- which is not much, everything had been ready for so long-. But the night before, she kisses him, reassures him there is nothing to be worried about, even if both are nervous about it.
She finds herself wide awake into the early hours while Margaret sleeps peacefully. Her stomach twists into itself with nerves, and she has to suppress tears that surprise her somewhen in the night.
She's a bit of a mess, and she can only hope Steve is better, calmer, because right now worrying won't do any of them any good.
She wakes before Margaret and gets dressed without thinking about it, going through the motions as she thinks of the way nothing will be the same after today.
She rides with the doctor and another nurse, and Lucy has a white uniform, common design for nurses, common enough that it looks kind of like the one she used back in the hospital, kind of like the one Sarah Rogers used when she got home from work and kissed their heads in the summers, when they used to lay down in her living room, trying to use the floor as a way to get away from the heat.
It's a nice morning, and Brooklyn is familiar around her, the place where she has lived basically her whole life in a comfort against the uncertainty of what is to come.
There is a knot in her stomach that won't leave, no matter how slow Lucy breathes.
She feels a hand against her own and smiles at the man beside her.
Steve names the places where he's been beat up if only to break the silence of the car. It's kind of awkward to tell that to a stranger, but the whole ride it had been just this stifling silence…
"Did you have something against running away?" Agent Carter is not looking at him, so the shake of his head is more for himself than for her.
"You start running, they'll never let you stop. You stand up, you push back-they can't say no forever, right?" it was some of the things his mother had drilled into his mind as a kid, not to allow people to push him around, not to let people look down at him because he was sickly and small and weak- he had surrounded himself with people who saw him for what he was, Buck and Luce and their families.
"I know a little of what that's like. To have every door shut in your face" and now she does look at him, but only for a second.
"I guess I don't know why you'd want to join the army if you were a beautiful dame- a beaut-a woman-an agent, not a dame. You are beautiful, but-" he cuts himself off, hand raised in the air as he tries to explain himself.
"You have no idea how to talk to a woman, do you?" and now he has her attention, even if it's not for what he wanted it. Is it that hard to look at him in the eyes?
"Never had that problem with my wife until I started to fall in love with her, and she somehow shut that down pretty fast" he shrugs one of his shoulders. He'd been terrified of offending girls, not knowing how to talk to them from the moment he had realized girls were girls. But Lucy had been a friend first, he could be honest with her and she would know what he meant. The one way he had of offending her would be not recognizing that.
"Do you have children?" and it is a little weird, that this coworker of Lucy doesn't know this detail of her life, but Steve takes it to keep the conversation going.
"No. We want them, but with everything that has happened, and now this…don't seem to matter that much. Figured we'll wait" Steve shrugs, eyes now on the street in front of them.
"To the end of the war?" and Peggy sounds unsure, hesitant, and he knows it's because they have no way of knowing when it will be over, when the fire would cease and atrocities would be punished, but he and Lucy are young, and they're smart, and if everything went right today they would be thrown into the fight head on. Did Agent Carter really think they would willingly bring a child into that? Did she not know of Lucy's aversion to war, her fear of being left a young mother alone, one of the great reasons she had been so against him joining he army?
Didn't they share a room?
"We have time" he says then, and his conviction seems to end the conversation.
Lucy's leaning on the little cart that carries the things they need, sandwiched between the other nurse and Dr. Erskine when the door to the room opens. She looks up to see Steve, hands on the railing as the takes in the room under him. With a look from Agent Carter, he goes down the stairs to where they are.
She stays just a step behind Dr. Erskine, just out of shot of the picture a reporter snaps, and only steps towards her husband to take his hat, shirt and tie.
"You'll be okay" she whispers when he hands her the clothes, and the brush of their hands will have to be enough in the meantime "Also, take off your belt"
His pants are not made of a fabric that stretches too far, but they had hoped the extra sizes will hold enough for him to get out of the chamber with his dignity intact when they had readied the uniform for him to wear.
She goes fetch what she need for the penicillin shot while Dr. Erskine and Steve talk, and the small puff of air Steve lets out in the way of a laugh has her smiling a bit.
She straps him to the table while the other nurse handles the vials of serum, so Lucy puts the metal…things against his chest and gives him one last squeeze on his shoulder.
While Dr. Erskine talks to the senators and government people, she uses a cotton swab with alcohol on Steve's arm, and then gives him the shot with practiced ease.
"That wasn't so bad" Steve smiles at her after he opens his eyes. His experience with careless nurses for so long had left him a little weary of any needles, but she knows that if he ever trusted someone to inject him with something, it would have been his mother and her.
"I've given you enough shots you shouldn't have felt a thing. Also, that was penicillin. Handy little thing, not in the market yet" she winks at him, noting how he pales a little. She hopes her attitude will bring down his nerves, but maybe that is asking too much for the context they are in.
Then the countdown starts and the plates that will give him the microinjections place themselves on his arms. Steve grimaces when it finally makes its way into his body, eyes shooting open.
"Now, Mr. Stark"
The chamber props itself up, closing around Steve. The last thing she sees is his face, eyes wide as they locked on hers.
I love you, she tries to tell him.
The oxygen is connected then, and Abe knocks on the metal. She can't see inside, Steve too short to reach the little window placed there, and isn't it a weird thing, that when it opens again, he will be tall enough?
"Steven? Can you hear me?" Dr. Erskine asks, and he shoots her a calming smile.
"it's probably too late to go to the bathroom, right?" Steve's voice asks, muffled by the metal, but at least it does bring her some comfort.
"We will proceed"
They put on the glasses that will protect their eyes against the rays, and she goes to stand near the controls, hands trembling as they hold up the glasses.
She finds herself breathless when Stark moves the wheel to start the radiation.
At 40%, a man says vitals are normal.
At 70%, the screaming start. They're not too loud at first, like Steve is holding himself back, and it scares her more than the other. Steve had been through so many things, so many illness and pain and fights and he had shaken them all off, had gritted his teeth and said the Dutch boy from around the corner hits harder, or the 32' pneumonia had hurt worse.
"Turn it off!" She barks, dropping the lenses and hurrying to the chamber. It's an instinct, to go and be near him whatever the cost "Steve?! Can you hear me?!"she hits the metal with her open palm over and over again, the silver of her ring making the sound even harder, but her husband doesn't answer "STARK, KILL IT!" she shouts, and when she turns around she sees Abe moving his hand in Howard's direction, repeating again and again his orders to kill the reactor.
"NO! DON'T! I CAN DO IT!" comes the yell from inside the chamber.
"Steve, no!" She shouts, turning around again. The light is too much for her eyes, and she has to cover them after a few seconds, but she refuses to step away.
"I CAN" he yells, and she knows he must be clenching his teeth, swallowing down the pain with the hopes that this will work-
She turns around and nods. It only takes a few seconds for the power to go out and the chamber to open with a hiss.
Once the mist clears and Lucy can see Steve's face clearly, she has to admit that it is a little obscene. It's not unlike his face of pleasure, and it takes only half a second to realize that it's the face of a man that is not experiencing any chronic pain for the first time in years, whose lungs are free to breathe in completely, whose spine no longer has the curve that would make him tired from trying to keep a normal position, whose heart is strong enough. He's over a head taller, muscles defined in a way not even James after training the whole summer had managed, but she can see Steve there, with his nose that had been broken a few times and the shape of his eyebrows, his long lashes and the way his hair was long on the top.
Dr. Erskine and Stark rush to help him step out of the chamber as she takes a few steps back. Steve is almost uncoordinated as he staggers forward, eyes closed. When he opens them, Lucy takes it as a signal to step up.
"How do you feel?" She asks, hands ready to steady him if he was to fall. Not that she could have done much with his new weight.
"Taller" he takes a deep breath, looking around him. For the first time in his life, Steve Rogers was seeing color. When his eyes focus on her again, he blinks "Your hair..."
"Red" she smiles, happy that his voice has remained the same, that his eyes have not changed in color or in the way they look at her. She knows he knows her hair is red, but for the first time he has a real shade to name, has an idea of what red even means beyond apples and blood and her hair.
He's still Steve, even if he fumbles a bit taking the shirt the other nurse offers, his arms too long and big from what he's used, hands thicker.
She waits until he's put on his shirt to touch his face, hand cradling his cheek. She has to reach higher than usual, but his doesn't feel all that different under her fingers.
"Can you breathe better? Hear? See?"
"Yes to all" he says, leaning his face on her hand with eyes closed. Steve uses his hand to take hers and the proportions are all wrong, the bumps and callus from the way he held his pencils gone, his hands warm in a way that hadn't been before, not with circulation problems. But the way he holds her, gently, softly, that is all Steve.
And then there is an explosion.
Yes, I am alive! I want to thank those who haven't abandoned this little story that is no longer so little- 400 follows and 75 revies, holy shit!
It's more than I ever imagines I would ever get, thank you so much!