Where was I?...

All I saw was just darkness. I felt the wind through my body again, but this time, it wasn't anywhere I recognize. I knew that it was night, at least based off the few streaks of moonlight that happened to shine at my direction. My eyes would come to at a slow pace. The darkness gave way to what I suspected feeling. I was lying on dirt and covered by trees. Yet, my visibility was so low that I couldn't make out any defining features of where I even was. For all I know, I could be anywhere in Kanto right now, even more lost than I would be. I wanted to get up, but there was so much pain… Every inch of my body ached. Staying still itself didn't offer any relief from the pain. Instead, all I could do was just to force myself to count and get a sense of time. I tried to feel around, but the slightest movement still brought pain.

Where was my bag?... I didn't have a bag. It's gone… somehow it's gone. I tried to put it away but instead, that realization lingered like a hanging knife. It was a knife I couldn't just grab and throw away. It was there, just waiting to strike, waiting to fall. Fall it did. The one reminder I had left of Marcus was gone. The tentative set-up to something that could've led to a normal life was… it was all gone. Even trying to say that my mind is just engaging in exaggerations and that I could simply pick myself up and try again was not working. I knew to an extent that I hated to admit that simply trying again this time wouldn't work. I've had multiple chances already. Chances that almost succeeded despite the long odds of them doing so. Yet, somehow, fate and reality appeared again to check me.

I couldn't really run away from my family. Now, I couldn't run away from Mr. Scott. They did return like ghosts. But they weren't just ghosts that I could exercise. I had to live with them as crosses on my heart, in which I have to bear the consequences for the actions I committed.

Whatever those consequences were, I hoped that they were this. I didn't want to encounter another occurrence that could lead to something worse.

I didn't want any more needless suffering… Is that too much to ask?

I had no answer to that question. Either way, I needed to get up at some point… I may have lost my sense of time, but at least my body was beginning to recover some of its functions. I was still able to think and ponder all of this. I could move my hand without any sort of sharp pain. Soon after, I tested out my foot to only light aching. I didn't want to risk it any further. The pangs of hunger hit me again, but I had to keep them down… I couldn't think about trying to get food again for survival if my body still hurt over. I tried to move my eyes around to focus my vision… Again, all I could see more closely was a forested area that led towards what I assumed to be a route? If this was even a route instead of an obscure area. I could only hope that I was nearby a city… Preferably nearby Saffron, as double-edged of a sword that was.

Time felt like it endlessly lurched and crawled as the reality of my situation continued to sink in further. I had no choice but to acknowledge that I was lost again. Whatever Mr. Scott may have done to me or thought of me, even though I'll probably never know… I was this undesirable that I'd be left out in the wilderness like this. So undesirable he didn't even want me back in hope house. No bed, no shelter… At least the night sky was clear, to the point where I could see some of the stars shining up there. It wasn't going to rain. Even so, it was only a mild comfort for the situation I found myself in. I found myself lost and stranded again, feeling everything hurt.

That was the consequence I bear for running away.

Enough time passed that full feeling returned to my body. With that, I finally had enough to sense to be able to track my environment beyond just trying to desperately see where I was. That also meant that my being able to understand what I was hearing also returned. I couldn't tell what I was hearing except just the wind poring through the area. I'd hear the occasional sounds of pokemon wandering around, some even scurrying beneath the grass. Yet, I could never see them, and it also helped that I wasn't anywhere near tall grass… Here's to hoping I don't randomly get attacked. Enough feeling finally returned that I could move with only some pain, instead of feeling like my body was about to tear itself apart by even the slightest movement. I let a bit more time pass just to breathe… Take in the somewhat untamed nature of this area. To take in and remind myself, over and over, that this reality was real. That this was not a nightmare I'd wake up from.

I finally was able to sit up and move, but it wasn't much. Sitting up felt feeling the aches of hunger in my stomach, reminding me of a need to eat I could not fulfill. Sitting up meant feeling my legs shake in a vain attempt to remain steady. Instead of standing up fully, I first sat there by trying to huddle my legs into myself. They still worked, but I didn't know if I could walk. I tried investing in the faith that I'd gone through so much worse with father… This shouldn't be any different, right? It shouldn't be…

My family… As I was trying to move, there was my father in my mind, but also Alexis too… There was the one person I dearly missed despite everything that's happened. Thinking of her gave me the will, the energy from within, to stand up. It was only a faint strength, I was down on my knees as soon as I made any attempt to move. Alexis… Of all the people that I know, she was one of the people I wished was with me right now. Not as a caretaker, or as someone I'd lean on, but someone to say sorry to. What I'd give to have just a few more minutes with her… To tell her again everything I've told her before she set off on her journey. To give her a proper send-off instead of crying into her shoulder. To tell her how proud I was of her… And how she meant the entire world to me for being the person who'd stick with me through anything… Through father's hatred, through the times where she witnessed a rift between her siblings, and the broken home that we called our estate.

If there was a deity out there… Oh, if there was an arceus, if that's what they were called. If I could somehow start praying or beg to the darkness, all I wanted was my sister back. Not for long, just for a short amount of time to say goodbye and to tell her everything I've wanted one last time… Just one last time with her.

That was asking for too much luck… and it was probably not going to happen.

If you could read my thoughts now, Alexis… Know that I love you so much. And I'm so sorry for all the years of pain you had to see and endure… If I could change reality, we'd have a real home… You'd have a better brother. I would've tried to improve my relationship with Xavier instead of staying quiet and harboring a quiet resentment.

Don't ever doubt that your brother loves you…

I finally stood up, finding the strength to do so… Just enough. Everything was just now a dull ache I could push to the back of my mind. I took one step forward. It hurt, and now I felt a scratching in my throat. My legs and hands were shaking, but I couldn't give up now… Maybe I could get help, even if I felt my body weakening in ways it never did before. I was somehow able to get myself out of the forested area to find myself in what looked to be a simple route… One that looked to simple enough to be a road between two cities. What scared me was that there wasn't a single soul in sight… The sounds of wild pokemon would continue to intensify as I stepped out into the open road. I fought through the pain and walked to the right, hoping… Hoping it'd lead somewhere. I was hoping it'd lead to a sign.

I couldn't develop a steady rhythm to walk. Every four steps felt like knives were clawing at my legs. No food, no water, my skin even more sensitive… Even standing began to feel like it was an impossibility. The road seemed like it would stretch on for countless miles. The will to keep surviving was fading by the minute, but somehow… I needed to keep walking, no matter the circumstances. So, I kept pressing on, even though I'd fall and stumble. The pain would get worse. The pangs in my stomach intensified. My throat burned for water. I needed water, but there was no water… I needed to put everything in the corner. To forget the pain.

Dawn would soon break. The dark blue night made way to a sunrise that looked so beautiful and alluring… Yet would hurt my eyes whenever the sunlight would pierce through. That sunrise gave way to such a beautiful day. Clear skies and such warm weather. Warm weather that both embraced and choked me… It reminded me of how close I was to losing it, how close I was to becoming permanently lost to delirium. I wasn't even sure how long I was even up, or where I even was. The path I was on continued to stretch and stretch onwards. My feet and legs were so tired that I did lose the ability to be able to stay up. I was on my knees in broad daylight. Someone would have to spot me soon… a trainer probably. I needed help, but a part of me didn't want to look suspicious…

I had enough strength still to find another tree. I lay down on that tree, shadowing myself from any onlookers. I needed rest, beyond anything… I was flashing between consciousness and sleep. I wouldn't be surprised if I'd fallen asleep by sheer chance while walking. Telling time by the minute had now lost all meaning… all I had was the sky look upon, the occasional chatter from a passerby, and the slightly different yells, cries, and growls of pokemon. Somehow, luck would have it that I haven't ran into another trainer or pokemon. I was alone still… alone with my fraying and scattered thoughts as I was in delirium. I closed my eyes beneath the tree and began to dream…

I wasn't sure if what I was dreaming was a memory or a fantasy. I found myself in a natural growth that I remember is distinctly in Pallet Town, near Professor Oak's lab. I was reacting the way I normally would, but I felt so much stronger in this dream... a stronger kind of normal. It's something I would've expected if somehow in the conscious, 'real' world someone gave me a miracle pill that restored all my health back. I was moving my arms and all, trying to ascertain where I was. But... it also felt like this version of myself that I was inhabiting was acting on auto-pilot. These were my actions, to be sure, but... they weren't really 'mine' either. I looked around in a slight panic, to find that my sister was asleep next to me. Alexis?...

What memory was this?...

"Sis... sis wake up..." I heard myself say, trying to shake her awake. Whatever I was doing, it was provoked by anxiety... We must've been doing something like cloud-watching if mother and father were lax about the time we needed to spend not doing chores or any other sort of house work. Alexis only looked slightly younger from what I remember, this must've only been a few months before her journey started. Either she was about to turn 10, or was already 10, I could barely remember... But this cloud-watching thing was beginning to come back to me. With enough shaking, I saw her wake up. She smiled and but didn't look incredibly amused to see me waking her up so suddenly.

"Sorry sis... Do you think we should go back?..."

"Home?... What time is it?"

"I think it's probably an hour after noon... I don't want them getting mad..."

"Hmmm... It's still pretty early Claude... In 30 minutes we probably should, though."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely... It's mom in the house, not well... dad."

"Yeah... true... Sorry for waking you up I just... got really scared for a second."

"Claude... come on, let's look at the clouds some more. There should be some good ones shaped like pokemon."

Oh Alexis... Somehow, even in the most negative of situations, you find a way to be able to spin it in a positive. We must've laid there for a while in silence, only occasionally talking about the cloud formations. She was able to identify them in ways that looked like pokemon that I had no idea even existed. She told me one reminded her of a seel... That the sky, in some way, looked like a big, beautiful ocean. Then we get the dewgong, charizard, and some other ones I wasn't able to catch. I guess, just like my dream self, I spent this moment in bliss with her. Just... fully taking this kind of calmness in, a calmness that I knew at this point of my life was rare and precious. Would that I could stay in this kind of moment forever... But even here, it was timed. I felt the anxiety I must've been feeling that day, knowing that Alexis and I were due to return home at some point.

Yet there was another anxiety that boiled within... The reverie that 'I' was in broke when I found myself looking at Alexis with what felt like a heavy, solemn expression.

"Alexis... You're gonna be... leaving soon are you?..."

I saw her face contort in slight confusion, but then it hit her and myself at the same time what I, in that moment, was talking about. I realized then the strong anxiety I had about her leaving for her pokemon journey. At that point, I must've been rattling off endlessly any chance I could... It was difficult to let her go then, but the build-up to it?... I really did forget just how bad it was knowing that it was going to happen. The moment of actual separation was what I remember carrying with me when I ran away. But the build-up to it... Trying to spend every single precious moment with her and making the most of it I remember now. And every single day, it hurt to realize that it was inevitable.

"Claude..."

"I'm sorry... Forget it... I shouldn't have said anything..." I said back to her.

"Claude, no. I want you to talk... It's four months away, we still have time."

Trying to respond to that felt like an eternity. I didn't really have access to what I was actually thinking in the moment, but I did feel the contemplation and the inner struggle to express it all. If I had taken control of my brain in this moment, I would have no idea how to respond either... And this was with every single hindsight about running away, about getting lost, about all of the things that have happened to me in the following months since she left for her pokemon journey.

"I... I don't wanna be alone... You're gonna be gone in four months... So much is going to change... I..."

I should've figured I would've went for being instantly vulnerable. It made sense, however... Alexis was the only person I ever let myself be vulnerable with. Well... that's partly inaccurate. She was the only person I could be vulnerable with. Anyone else, even mother... That would've been too huge of a risk too take with emotions I could barely articulate back then. I saw her struggle to respond to what I said. I was caught between lines of thinking. There were still the hurt emotions that lingered within me, the residue of her leaving still haunting my heart. Yet, the experience I gained in such a short time and being slightly older, and also seeing how I caught Marcus between the drama that was supposed to have just been my brother and I... I began to understand why my anxiety may have just provoked hers even further. It was astounding just how patient she was, even though I, as the older brother, should be the one to comfort and encourage her.

"Claude..." I heard her start.

"I know it's not going to be the same... But you'll always have me. I'm... just as scared too, even in my excitement..."

I felt my protective instincts flare up.

"What do you mean?..."

"I know that life here is... interesting. But I'm not like Xavier where I can embrace this and be that strong like him... He's done a lot in two years and now... It's sort of my turn..."

"Sis..."

"I'll be fine. I'll be okay. Just me thinking... is all..."

I felt myself pause there. I forgot just how much pressure was on my sister then, too... By the time Alexis became old enough, Xavier was just finishing up his third journey. His competitive streak was that strong that he was willing to put himself in the position to do at least one journey a year. I don't know how he did it, or how he had the stamina. Yet, somehow... He did. By the time Alexis was about to leave for her journey, Xavier had just finished up a stint in the Ever Grande conference. Top 4, a 'soft' result compared to his dramatic win Johto's Silver conference. He still had ambitions to keep going, to place ever higher expectations of himself.

That was the situation that Alexis was entering... I remember feeling so mad at myself for just blurting out that I'd be scared without her. She was the one going on her own and trying to make our family's name stand up. There was pressure on her to be able to make it through the eight gym challenges and maybe even be competitive for a spot in the Kanto's league conference. For someone on their first journey... I could only imagine that kind of pressure.

"Sis no matter what happens... No matter father says or Xavier says... I'm so... so happy that you're gonna go out there... I'm so proud of you passing your exams with such a high score... I know I'm scared but... I believe in you..."

I felt myself be embraced by Alexis. I was fast in embracing her back, holding each other close beneath the clear skies. In that moment, that's when I realized that of all the memories that came back to me, this would be the specific one. Moments like this were so rare and so precious... It was one of the few times where I was allowed to be free to do what I wanted with my sister. In many ways it was the one thing that kept me going through the endless list of chores and demands that my father wanted me to do, and sometimes, Alexis. The fact that her journey was coming up meant that my family's demands were more lax than usual... On top of Xavier wrapping up another region. There was a somewhat celebratory mood for them both. They were coming of age... Xavier beginning his teenage years and needing to think about what career he wanted. Alexis beginning what nearly every 10 year old would go through... a chance to explore the world on her own, with all the highs and lows associated with it.

And this was one of the last times we ever held each other like this, without the watchful eyes of any of our parents there... We were allowed be just as we are, without the fear of someone judging. Those last four months following this went by like a blur. Between my schooling , Alexis' needing to research the nuts and bolts of pokemon training, and our parents going through what she needed, Xavier's return, and of course... their own lives. I remember being largely left in the shadows. I'll be honest... I welcomed that.

"You... you won't forget me, right?..."

"I won't. I promise."

"Thank you... thank you so much... Alexis..."

For everything.

I woke up from that memory in a cold sweat. Shivering, in tears, everything hurting even more, and my body wracked up in so much pain that I couldn't even move. I was paralyzed, but somehow in peace. I only had enough strength to crane my head to stare out into the path and the sky... The blue skies from earlier were now gone. They were replaced with the night sky. Yet, at least it was clear too, like the last time I saw it so many hours ago. It looked so beautiful, even through my tear-streaked vision... Even in the midst of feeling like my body was falling apart further, there was a beauty to the relative silence I was experiencing.

The sounds of pokemon in the background... The wind billowing about... The world continuously turning and moving... It was all so beautiful in that moment. This was what peace felt like to me in this moment. A quietude where, even if things hurt, soon... it'll all be over. A quietude where I could face things with dignity, even if I've felt like so much has been lost I'm not sure what else I can give. It's to realize that, even in the darkest of situations... even in the moments of feeling so alone, so scared... so frightened of the world. That even in its darkest corners... there was beauty. There was beauty that life will go on, and that it will always go on. That beauty, hope, and love... will always be there, even if I may never see any of it.

Even in the darkness I've contemplated and , both literal and figurative... Love was there. My sister was there. Even if she's not with me physically anymore, she was in my memory all this time. It was a cold comfort feeling this now all alone... wherever I was in Kanto. Yet, somehow... I knew that thinking and realizing all of this was okay.

At a certain point, I wasn't sure if I could be saved or if I even wanted to be saved.

Everything hurt so much... Going on now with the world felt like an impossibility when even my legs started losing functionality. Every single movement always reminded me that my body was still shaking ceaselessly.

There really was only one stop left for me in this cycle.

I steadied myself as best I could, but no such luck... It took time again for me to be able at least sit up and move myself towards the tree in a crawl. I was on the grass earlier, my face caked in some dirt. I wouldn't be surprised if my clothes were too... They felt grimy, muddy, and most of all, not enough to cover from the slight chill that went over the area I was in. I had to embrace myself, using what little body warmth I had to prolong my survival. There was shaking from within and now shaking from the wind.

At this rate, I was flashing in and out of consciousness... More memories began to play back at me, but it felt like a montage of my life instead of any specific memory. I wasn't sure what this little flash was saying... Again, it just reminded me of that abstract dream I had earlier and the realizations I had from that. My life just entered my mind in a brilliant flash, only to evaporate in an endless darkness. The memories were fragmented, split apart into so many compartments, and almost incomprehensible at this rate. At the very least though, if they were painful... I wasn't going to experience them again. That was the last thing I wanted in this moments outside of some extremely profound luck of well... someone walking by and noticing me. Whatever flashes of my life that I just saw... I forgot those details except for the one that I wanted to remember.

Oh, Alexis... How I wish I could say goodbye again.

Wait... there was one memory that was coming back to me. The day this all started... The day I woke up and saw her off to her journey. That was when this turn in my life began to be set in this motion. Luck gave me some rather good timing in that regard. As soon as I felt that same turn in my mind, I felt my body keel over and I found my back hitting the soft grass. My body arched in pain, my bones screamed in agony, but I never let out a single sound. I just breathed, my vision becoming blurry and my mind pre-occupied to the point where I was losing money... No... No, I need it back.

At the very least, the view that I had from here was nice. Beneath this tree was a slight opening that allowed me to see the dark blue skies. The moonlight was there, but not nearly as strong as last night's. Seeing the skies again jogged my memories once more. Ah, there we are... Lying on the grass reminded me of the anxiety of waking up to see Alexis off. I sprung to action then, but here... I couldn't even will myself to stand up anymore. I felt my heart slowly grow weaker, my vision slowly losing its sense of clarity. But at least... the sky was there, looking down upon me.

I walked myself through that day again... The way I tried to hastily prepare breakfast in place of Alexis and not doing the best job at it. It's like as Mr. Diamond once said to me when I tried to prepare breakfast for his family... I shouldn't be so anxious when cooking. There were finer points beyond just making sure it looked okay and edible and that it was much better to cook while calm than trying to work with heightened emotions. Otherwise, we misread the cookbooks and manuals, and end up creating something unedible by accident. All because of one missed variable...

Then there was Oak's lab... It made me smile to see Alexis bond with her squirtle that quickly. I'd always known that she was good with pokemon, but to see it in my own eyes confirmed that... no matter whappened, she'd be okay out there. Besides, the journey meant she'd avoid the broken home we shared. For her sanity, for her health... being out there instead of being caught between me and her brother would be better. It was a wild assumption to be sure... and I don't know what she'd be thinking now. I hope she'd gotten some badges already, making good progress, catching pokemon for Oak's pokedex...

I felt myself grow so weak I couldn't even move anymore. My thoughts were jumbled and my memories fragmented beyond recognition. I was holding onto one line of thinking for dear life. The moment she left for her journey... the moment we shared one last embrace before parted ways. The very last time we saw each other with our own eyes...

That goodbye...

It was a struggle to even breathe at this rate. I didn't know what was happening even though I knew at the same time. I heard my wheezes beyond my mind trying to hold onto one last memory. I felt a heaviness in my chest that was permanent. It was pressing into me, almost sedating me into a blissful sleep. I fought it as best I could, but the force and almost calming sensation of it was too much for me to bear.

That whole sensation felt like a release.

It felt like the freedom I've been chasing for all these years.

I reached out into the skies, one last time...

Alexis...

I may no longer be here... I don't know how long I have left... I may not wake up anymore. I know that sounds dramatic, but... I'm scared. I'm scared of what my body's feeling. My heart is slowing down... My mind is losing its final grip on reality. But... at the same time, I can't wait for this to be over... There's been so much pain and I just want it to stop. I just want all of this to stop...

I...

I love you so much... and I'm still so proud of you...

Whatever you do now... if you find me like this and I'm not awake... Don't forget me... No matter what you do... I'll always be with you...

I closed my eyes...

For the last time, I felt at peace...

A/N: I couldn't leave this story without some sort of ending note.

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart that has read and supported this story throughout the years. It's surreal to see it come to an end again. I thought it was strange ending this back at chapter 9, but I think I know for sure that this is where the ending is.

It's been a mission to get to this point. RL events between 2014 to now that have sometimes bled into the writing. A sort-of sequel to this fic that I wasn't happy and scrapped in favor of writing 8 more chapters to this. Nearly six years in, it's finally finished.

Again, thank you everyone. It's been a fun ride writing more on the fic that started my fanfiction career here. Stay tuned for future stories.