Chapter 20: Amazing
"How does this sound?" Blaine asked. "Y-y-you are c-c-cute."
Kurt sat attentively on the end of Blaine's bed, listening and watching while Blaine practiced a new technique from speech therapy. When Blaine had explained that he wanted to practice stuttering with Kurt, at first he had been confused. Why would you need to practice stuttering?
The idea—as Kurt understood it—was that Blaine was going to be trying on purpose to stutter, but in some special, more relaxed way. It would help prevent him from blocking or something like that.
"Okay, I hear the difference now!" Kurt replied. "Your whole face looks more relaxed too and you, like, got through the stuttering moments more quickly. What do you think so far?"
"Y-y-y-yeah," Blaine said with a smile, still using the technique. "It's like st-st-stuttering but more controlled. I s-sound more like…well, me, than when I-I use ERASM."
"That seems important. Those questions your dad was asking me over winter break were a good reminder how important one's voice can be to their identity. I know the idea of changing my voice feels like rejecting part of who I am so I can understand if you feel the same way. Besides, I really like your voice."
Blaine got up from the desk chair where he had been sitting and flopped down on the bed behind Kurt. He looked thoughtful.
"Do…do y-y-you think stuttering is part of who I am?" He asked pensively. That's heavy.
"Hmm…that's a tricky question. I believe in everyone's right to define their identity for themselves, though, so to me that means you get to choose. Do you want it to be?"
Kurt shifted, twisting his torso so he could see Blaine's face. He was biting his lip, looking uncertain as he lay on his bed.
"I don't know," he said finally. He looked apologetic.
Kurt frowned and then laid down next to Blaine and looked him squarely in the eyes.
"That is also okay. I'm here to talk whenever but there's no pressure to know exactly who you are right away." Kurt hoped his words were enough to reassure Blaine.
Blaine smiled and leaned forward to give Kurt a sweet kiss. He pulled back and said, "Thank you."
Kurt studied his boyfriend thoughtfully for a moment, getting lost in memories.
Blaine cocked his head to the side. "You're th-thinking very loudly over there."
Kurt laughed. "I was just remembering when you first told me about your stuttering. You were so freaked out that I had figured out your big secret, even though it turned out I hadn't. And now look at you. You came out to the Glee club about your stuttering, you're comfortable practicing your strategies with me, and you even gave that presentation in front of your whole class! I hope you realize how far you've come just in the time I've known you."
Kurt felt a strong wave of affection and pride wash over him as he thought back to how much Blaine had grown since their first meeting. He watched Blaine's eyes soften with emotion. Blaine reached out to touch his face.
"You know, y-you were a b-big part of that K-Kurt."
Me? What did I do?
"But…I didn't do anything," he protested.
"You did!" Blaine insisted. Kurt still felt confused. "You j-just always accepted m-me, you n-n-never treated it like a b-big deal. You always c-cared more about what I had to say than how I sssaid it. I t-told you before: I feel safe with you."
It always got to him when Blaine got all emotional like this. It made him feel things. As if propelled by a magnetic force, Kurt felt himself drawing closer to Blaine until he captured his lips in a fervent kiss.
"Mmm," said Blaine in satisfaction. He tangled his fingers in the fabric of Kurt's top, gently pulling Kurt closer, kissing him more deeply. Kurt felt a shiver of delight run up his spine.
Blaine rolled on top of him and began to run his fingers through Kurt's hair. It happened so quickly that Kurt didn't have time to think. He never let anyone touch his hair normally because he liked to keep it looking neat. Should I stop him?
Now that Blaine's fingers were threading into his hair, massaging his scalp, Kurt couldn't bring himself to make him stop. It felt…good. It felt amazing, actually. It reminded him of when the hairdresser massaged shampoo into his scalp at the salon. Except sexy.
He liked the way that Blaine's fingers drew him even closer as they ran through his hair. He was so careful with Kurt, like he was worried that if he pulled too hard he would fall apart. Kurt wanted to tell him that he didn't have to be so careful, but that would have required removing his lips from Blaine's.
So instead, he grasped the fabric of Blaine's shirt and pulled it roughly, bringing Blaine even closer to him. Blaine made a low sound in response and his kissing became more passionate. Sure enough, Blaine's fingers suddenly pulled tight in his hair. Kurt felt heady with his ability to affect Blaine in this way.
One of Blaine's hands roamed down Kurt's side and landed on his hip. Blaine fingered the hem of his top and Kurt felt himself growing warm in response. Blaine's hand slipped under the layers of fabric and his thumb traced the bare skin over Kurt's hip bone. Kurt's breath hitched in response as Blaine forged new ground in their physical relationship. Blaine's fingers tightened in Kurt's hair as the other hand gently stroked up the side of his torso to the bottom of his ribs and then back to his hip bone.
Kurt felt excited but also a creeping sense of anxiety. How far is he going to take this? How far do I want him to take this? It made him nervous to imagine Blaine initiating something that he wasn't ready for. While it wasn't a big deal to suddenly find Blaine's hands in his hair or even under his shirt without talking about it first, there were a lot of places he could imagine Blaine's hands ending up pretty quickly that would be a much bigger deal. Places that Kurt wasn't remotely ready for.
He just wished he knew what Blaine was thinking, what Blaine wanted. The anxiety was building as he started to feel like things were happening to him instead of that he was participating in making them happen.
Blaine's thumb traced over the top edge of Kurt's jeans. Woah, stop!
Reflexively, Kurt's hands were immediately on Blaine's chest, pushing him back and away and off. His heart was pounding and his breathing was rough. Blaine made a muffled "omph" as he rolled awkwardly off of Kurt and almost clear off the bed. Embarrassingly, tears were beginning to sting in his eyes. Oh my god, did I really just push him? If I start crying this is going to be so much worse.
Blaine sat up on the bed, putting plenty of space between them, looking at Kurt. His eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and concern.
"I-I-I…K-Kurt what's wrong?" Blaine asked pleadingly.
Apparently, that I'm a crazy person who shoves people now. Kurt's face burned hot with embarrassment.
"I'm sorry I just…I…can we take a break for a minute?" Kurt asked.
"Yeah, of course." Blaine said intently.
Kurt tried to gather his thoughts, thinking about what he actually wanted to say to Blaine, who really hadn't done anything wrong. He stared into the carpet for a few long minutes and Blaine sat in relative silence, the only sound the slow controlled inhalation and exhalation of his breath. Now I've made him nervous enough to need his deep breathing. Great, just great.
He turned back to Blaine, swallowing nervously. "I was starting to feel like things were moving a little fast there. I think I just panicked."
Blaine nodded grimly, as if Kurt had confirmed his greatest fears. He seemed distant and restrained. It was so far removed from the open, connected feeling between them just minutes earlier. Kurt felt his heart sink, feeling like he had ruined a special moment they were having.
Blaine was still taking slow, even breaths. Kurt recognized the telltale signs of Blaine trying to regain control over his fluency; all he could do was wait until Blaine responded.
Unfortunately, it gave Kurt time to worry about what had just happened. Did I overreact? Did I hurt him when I pushed him? Oh god, is he frustrated that I won't put out? That last thought was the one that plagued Kurt the worst. Kurt had heard things at all those sleepovers with his female friends. They always complained that all teenage boys only want one thing. Kurt was a teenage boy, so clearly he was supposed to want those things too. But thinking about them mostly just made him feel queasy.
Just when Kurt thought he couldn't stand waiting any longer, Blaine finally spoke.
"I…I c-can't believe I d-did that. I t-told myself we needed to t-talk about these things but…agh, I m-must have g-gotten carried away." Blaine sat cross-legged across from Kurt on the bed, fidgeting nervously with the comforter as he talked.
"I don't really know what any of that means," Kurt admitted. "You can't believe you did what?"
"I m-made you feel uncomfortable. I n-never…ever w-want to do that. This is so bad. I'm the p-person you trusted when you felt violated and n-n-now here I go doing the same thing." Blaine looked utterly stricken as he explained this to Kurt.
"Woah, hey, that is not what happened! Okay, yes, I was uncomfortable. But not because you did anything to make me feel…violated. I stopped you because it seemed like maybe things were, ehem, heating up. But it was more of a yellow light then a red light. It was a pre-emptive strike."
"Oh," Blaine smiled. "So I, uh, I guess I overreacted there."
"Yeah, maybe. I might have too. So…you said we should…talk, about…things?" Kurt asked vaguely.
"Right. I j-just think we should have a mature c-c-conversation about the, uh, physical p-part of our relationship."
Or we could just never talk about it because things are good just the way they are.
"I…I don't know how to talk about that stuff, Blaine."
"I thought I was the one who was b-b-bad at talking," Blaine said teasingly.
Kurt huffed. "We've been over this. Stuttering doesn't make you bad at talking. I think talking about our feelings in hard for both of us, but maybe in different ways. For me, though, talking about…that other…physical stuff…well, it's so much harder."
"Why?"
"I don't know exactly. I mean I love musicals where the big finale is that they finally kiss. That other, uh, stuff…it kind of freaks me out. Maybe because half my life I've been trying to reassure all the guys around me that I don't want to do those things with them just to soothe their gay panic. I tried watching… those movies once, but it just made me horribly uncomfortable and I had to shut it off. All I could think about was that it was somebody's kid and what would their mother think of this and why would you get that tattoo there."
Blaine's chest was shaking with silent laughter. Shame and embarrassment burned on Kurt's face. He scooted further away from Blaine on the bed.
"Hey, I was being vulnerable with you. I was admitting stuff that I know is embarrassing, stuff I've never said to anyone before. Are you seriously laughing at me right now?" Kurt fumed.
Blaine's eyes got wide and the smile evaporated from his face. He sat up to face Kurt, eyes big and full of concern.
"No, no, honey, no! I-I-I swear I wasn't l-laughing at you. I…the…you j-j-just described it so well, I c-c-could picture you sitting there, saying all of those things about t-t-tattoos and…I guess it was funny. In my head it was…c-c-cute. Like when you d-d-destroy all the contestants on America's Next T-Top Model."
"I suppose that's alright then."
"But…K-K-Kurt," Blaine reached out to take his hand. "Those m-m-movies, it's not—that's not what it w-w-would be like. It's fine to feel nervous about it, but…just so you know, that's n-n-n-not what it's like."
"Oh my god, Blaine, have you had sex?" This new revelation had Kurt feeling even more inadequate and immature than he had already been feeling.
Blaine let out a loud, squawking laugh. "No, Kurt! B-B-But my mom had the-the-the t-t-talk with me. And she talked about p-p-porn and how it can warp your idea of what's normal. She even had some, uh, uh, uh research study my dad had found. She said that real sex is no-nothing like that."
Of course. Mr. Anderson thinks every problem can be solved with enough peer-reviewed research articles.
"Wow, okay. That's…really good to know, I guess. I mean I still don't feel remotely ready for any of that, but…I feel sort of relieved."
"Good. You know…I'm not r-r-r-ready either, K-Kurt."
"You're not? But I thought…it seemed like you were, you know, going for my pants back there."
"Oh…so that's why you f-f-f-freaked out. That…that makes sense. No, I was j-j-just…exploring, I guess?" Blaine started blushing adorably. "I w-wanted to t-t-touch that spot but I wasn't…I wouldn't do anything like that without t-t-talking to you first."
"Oh, well that's good to know. My girlfriends make it sound like their boyfriends are always just pawing at them and they either allow it or they don't. So I thought that maybe with us…it would be, sort of, the same. But I don't want to to be surprised by something like that. I don't want anything big to happen without us agreeing to it beforehand."
Blaine crossed his arms and gave Kurt a stern glance. "Does that s-s-sound like me?"
Suddenly Kurt's fears felt a little silly. "No, it really doesn't. Sometimes my brain gets carried away once I start worrying about something."
"Good thing I will always b-b-be here to reassure your b-brain whenever it gets worried."
How did I get so lucky? Kurt scooted closer to Blaine until they were sitting close. He wrapped his arms around Blaine and pressed his face into Blaine's shoulder.
"You're the best boyfriend on the planet."
"So it s-s-sounds like we both agree that t-t-talking will happen before crossing any major physical milestones. Can we talk about wh-what we're comfortable with now?"
Kurt was glad there wasn't a mirror nearby to show him just how horribly he was blushing. "Do we have to? It's going to be so awkward," he said, feeling childish.
"I won't force you, but…I re-really think we should. Well…so far we've b-b-been kissing. Do you l-like that so far?"
Don't be absurd.
"Yes, obviously, I like kissing you. I don't know why we need to talk about that, it should be obvious that I can't get enough of it. It's amazing!"
"I thought it w-w-would be easier to st-start on common ground. I feel the same way, so m-making out is something we b-both like and want to k-keep doing. Is there anywhere we've t-t-touched each other so far that you d-didn't like?"
"No, I've liked everything so far. I just got nervous about where things were going before, but I think I'm fine with what was happening as long as it doesn't escalate further."
Blaine nodded. "Okay, me t-too. See, is th-this r-r-really so bad?"
Kurt stopped to contemplate Blaine's question. It was awkward, but Blaine was so calm and matter of fact about everything that it was hard to get too worked up about it. In the end, it was still just him and Blaine talking. Blaine was really doing most of the heavy lifting, what with asking him questions to guide things along. Kurt thought maybe—just maybe—he could actually get through this.
"It's not complete torture," he admitted.
Blaine grinned. "You're doing great so far. Now, I th-think the n-n-next question is if we w-w-want to add anything to our, uh, re-re-repetoire."
Kurt groaned. "Can you go first?"
"Yeah, b-b-but I don't want to p-pressure you," he said hesitantly.
"Look, I have no problem being honest with you. Just tell me and trust that I'll give you an honest answer."
Blaine took a deep breath. Kurt saw the first cracks in his calm, sure attitude. He's nervous too.
"Well, I, uh…I re-really l-liked feeling under your shirt. So I thought…m-m-maybe you could do that to me also?"
Kurt imagined being the one with his hands roaming under Blaine's shirt, exploring all the curves and edges that he had only ever imagined. He thought that he might enjoy that even more than when Blaine had done it to him.
"Oh, well that…sounds quite appealing."
Blaine bit his lip and smiled. "Yeah? Awesome! What about you? Anything you w-w-want to ssuggest?"
Kurt felt mortified imagining saying anything like that out loud. But he also realized that if he did say what he wanted out loud, then he might actually get to act on it. And Blaine was sitting there, looking so accepting and so vulnerable. He won't laugh at me.
Kurt's voice came out just barely above a whisper. "Can I, um… canItakeoffyourshirt?"
Blaine blinked at him for a few seconds, his brain scrambling to parse Kurt's word vomit. Kurt could see the moment when he figured out what he had said because Blaine's face lit up into a wicked smile. He nodded rather enthusiastically and then asked, "Can I t-t-take off yours?" Oh, god, he's going to see me all pale and scrawny under there! But he…he says he wants to, so maybe he won't be grossed out.
Kurt gave him a shy nod. "I don't mean for you to think that I never want to do that other stuff, I just really don't feel ready right now and it honestly still sort of scares me."
Blaine took Kurt's hands in his. "I w-w-would n-never want to do anything with you that felt s-s-scary. I d-don't care how long it t-takes for you to feel comfortable. We're young and we have so m-m-much time."
Kurt let out a nervous laugh. "Another relationship milestone achieved. We talked about sex. Even if it was about how we're not going to have any for a little while."
"I think we d-d-definitely nailed the t-t-triple axle this time."
"Do you think straight people use figure skating analogies to describe their relationship?"
"Only the cool ones." Blaine grinned wickedly at him and reached for Kurt's face, pulling him in for a kiss.
Kurt's breathing was starting to get unsteady when he pulled away. Blaine gazed into his eyes, smiling widely at him. "You know…it's going to-to-to-to be like this."
"Huh?"
"Sex."
"Is like kissing?" Kurt asked in confusion. Unless those anatomy books in school were just straight lies, I'm pretty sure that can't be true.
"Yes! Tell me, why is k-k-kissing so amazing?" Blaine asked.
"Oh dear, he's gone socratic on me now."
Blaine just raised his eyebrows at Kurt, clearly waiting for an answer.
"Fine! It feels amazing because it's us! Because I care about you and you care about me. I mean that's not the only reason, obviously, but that's what makes it magic instead of just fun. Is that what you meant?"
Blaine grinned at him. "Yes! Any…anything else we do, at s-s-s-some point, when we're both ready…it's going to feel amazing because it's us. Because I care about you and y-you care about me."
Kurt cocked an eyebrow at Blaine. "Amazing, huh? Just like kissing? I suppose that doesn't sound so scary."
"See! The so-so-so-socratic method works! Now…more k-k-kissing?"
Kurt decided to show Blaine his answer rather than tell him. He climbed on top of Blaine, kissing him hungrily. Blaine made a surprised noise and then wrapped his arms around Kurt to pull his body even closer. He made small noises of contentment as he pressed kisses onto Kurt's cheeks.
Kurt thought about how it really did feel 'amazing' to be this close to Blaine because of how strongly he felt about him. He had always considered sex to be in a very separate category but maybe it really could just be a natural extension of what they were doing now. He still wasn't ready, not by a long shot, but he felt a twinge of curiosity when he thought about it now rather than unadulterated fear.
Knowing that he and Blaine had set some boundaries, Kurt felt emboldened to lose himself in the feeling of kissing Blaine. He didn't need to keep one part of his brain alert, watching them from the outside, checking to see if things were about to go somewhere he wasn't ready for. He lost himself in Blaine, in the smell of him, the feel of him, the taste of him.
Kurt pulled back slightly to catch his breath. He opened his eyes to see Blaine's eyes shining brightly up at him. "I want to do something," he said boldly.
Blaine smiled at him mischievously. "Oh yeah?"
Kurt reached for the hem of Blaine's polo. "Can I…?"
Blaine nodded enthusiastically.
Kurt closed the space between their lips again as he let his hand slip underneath Blaine's shirt. The skin of his belly was warm and soft under his touch. He never knew that touching another person could light up his whole body until he met Blaine. It felt…fantastic. Underneath his shirt, there were sweeping curves, planes of muscle, and jutting bones for Kurt to discover.
Then Kurt felt Blaine's hands slowly, tentatively, find the bare skin of his back. As Blaine's fingers dragged down the skin from his shoulder blades to the small of his back, a moan of pleasure escaped Kurt's lips. Amazing.
—
"My hair is a disaster," Kurt declared after looking in the mirror.
Blaine stifled a giggle and shrugged innocently at him. "Worth it?" As if you had nothing to do with it.
"Hmm, I suppose. But I can't go downstairs looking like this. Your parents are going to know that we were making out. I mean…they probably know anyways, but now they have evidence."
"Do you w-want some of my gel?" Blaine offered.
"No offense, honey, but I think that would be even more obvious. Your gel isn't exactly a subtle look and it's one I was decidedly not sporting when I arrived at your house. Let me just see what I can do with some water."
"I'd apologize but…I'm n-not sorry," Blaine said cheekily.
Kurt rolled his eyes and then set to making himself presentable. Maybe I just need to stash some product here in case this happens again.
"Boys, dinner time!" Blaine's mother called up from downstairs.
"R-ready?" Blaine asked, poking his head into the bathroom.
"I supposed this will have to do." Kurt coaxed a few final strands of hair back into place.
They walked downstairs together and joined Blaine's parents at the kitchen table. One benefit of getting swept up with Blaine upstairs was that it had been a good distraction from his nerves about having dinner with Blaine's parents again.
Mr. Anderson explained the dinner he had prepared while he served the food. "I made my famous grilled salmon. In the summer, I do it on the grill but alas, February is no time for grilling. But how could I resist when the market had just gotten a special shipment in straight from Alaska? Peter promised me that it's very fresh."
Kurt tasted a bite and found the fish to be moist and well seasoned. "This is delicious, Mr. Anderson! I hope you're willing to share the recipe. Dad is still resisting the Omega-3s but I think he would like what you've done with the lemon."
"The trick, Kurt, is to use Meyer lemons. That's what gives them that special flavor. And of course I'll share the recipe with you. I'll run off a photocopy for you after supper."
"Thanks!"
Kurt glanced over at Blaine who was absolutely beaming, clearly pleased to see them getting along so far.
"So, how is the preparation for Regionals going?" Mrs. Anderson asked. "Will we get to see the two of you sing a duet again?"
"No, Mr. Schue's g-going a different route this time. We're d-d-doing all group numbers so we can fo-fo-focus on team unity or something like that. We'll each get to take the l-lead for a bit, though."
Kurt noticed that Blaine was using his "easy stuttering" and it seemed to be going well. He was impressed to see him using it in a group conversation so quickly after he had just tried it out with Kurt for the first time.
"That sounds very equitable and I'm sure we'll enjoy your performance nonetheless, but to be honest I was hoping to see you get featured again. You both sounded so lovely together at Sectionals, and I imagine you have even better on-stage chemistry now that you have such good off-stage chemistry," Mr. Anderson commented in a friendly tone.
Kurt's jaw almost dropped. He wants to see us on stage? Not just that he wants his son to have a big part, but he wants him up on stage in front of a big crowd with me, singing a duet with a boy? And he's noticed our chemistry?
"Wow, um, thank you. That's really kind of you to say. There's always Nationals if we make it, or next year if we don't."
"Oooh, remember when Blaine used to put on concerts in the living room, Patrick? I bet the boys could do something together for us! What do you think?" Mrs. Anderson clapped her hands together in excitement, reminding Kurt of Rachel.
Kurt and Blaine turned to each other, checking in nonverbally before either of them answered. After Kurt nodded his agreement, Blaine answered. "Sure! I aaactually just p-picked up the sheet music for that Sara Bareilles song we t-talked about, Kurt. I can go get the music set-up. What do you think, honey?"
"Sounds perfect to me."
Blaine hopped up and practically ran upstairs to go find his sheet music. That boy really is incapable of just walking anywhere when he's excited.
Mr. Anderson turned his attention to Kurt while Mrs. Anderson began to clear the table. "I'm glad we have a minute to talk, Kurt." Uh-oh.
"Oh, uh, what did you want to talk to me about?"
"I've never seen Blaine this happy or confident before. I think a lot of that has to do with you, so I wanted to say thank you."
Wait, what?
"You wanted to…thank me? That's…not really what I was expecting, to be honest."
He sighed and then smiled at Kurt. "Well, one of the few good things that comes with age is the wisdom and grace to know when you're wrong. I still like to think that I know what is best for my son, and you're not the person I imagined being right for him. But, well like I said, I've never seen him like this. And you might not be who I thought was best for Blaine, but the way Blaine is with you, well, that is exactly the person I want Blaine to be. I want him to be happy and self-assured. So if you help him feel brave enough to be that person, well then clearly you are exactly the right person for him. I know I was a bit hard on you when we first met, so I wanted you to know that I see how good the two of you are together now."
Kurt sat listening in stunned silence. For a moment, he was worried he might actually cry. He had never needed Mr. Anderson's approval or acceptance, but boy it sure felt good to have it anyways.
Kurt was barely able to thank him before Blaine burst back in, grabbing Kurt's hand and running off down the hallway with him, his parents following at a more reasonable speed. When Kurt and Blaine had first sung along to this song on the radio, they had immediately added it to their ever-growing music shopping list. It was simply too perfect for them.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
—
Kurt watched fondly as Blaine primped using the mirror in his locker. He winked cheekily at Kurt, who sighed happily to himself. He's so gorgeous.
"Hey, uh, Kurt? Can I talk to you?" Kurt turned away from ogling his boyfriend to see that David Karofsky was standing nervously behind him.
Blaine noticeably stiffened next to him. Kurt put a reassuring hand on his arm. Down boy.
"Sure, Dave. What did you want to talk about?"
"Not here," he hissed, looking around nervously. "In private."
"Oh, okay. Um, where?"
Blaine grabbed his shoulder and started whispering urgently. "Come, on, K-Kurt! Ne-never let them take you to a ssecondary location. They ju-just covered that in self-defense class."
"Blaine, honey, as adorable as it is when you get over-protective, I don't think Karofsky is trying to murder me right now. He's turned over a new leaf," Kurt said soothingly.
"Oh, wow, no man. I would never try to hurt Kurt, not anymore. But—I get that you don't trust me."
Blaine crossed his arms and regarded Karofsky with suspicion. Drama queen.
"Would you like to come over to my house after school? We can talk in private there but Blaine won't claw his own eyes out worrying because he can sit with my dad in the other room so he can make sure I'm okay."
Karofsky chuckled. It was still strange to hear him laugh without malice. "Sure."
—
That afternoon, Kurt did the last thing he ever thought he would do: he opened the door to his home and invited David Karofsky inside. Kurt was suspicious that Blaine had texted his dad because he was home earlier than usual. It was sweet, the way that Blaine was so worried about him, even if he was getting a bit overbearing.
Blaine might be concerned, but Kurt didn't feel nervous at all. True to his promise, Karofsky hadn't said a single unkind word to Kurt since his tearful apology in Ms. Pillsbury's office. In fact, Kurt hadn't really seen him messing with anyone lately.
Kurt pulled up two chairs in his dad's home office and looked at Dave expectantly.
"I…I came out to my dad," Dave blurted out.
"Oh, wow. How did it go?"
Dave shook his head sadly. "He yelled a lot. The only bright side was that he didn't actually kick me out, so I guess that's something."
Kurt felt a pang of sympathy. "I'm so sorry to hear that. It was really brave of you to come out and I wish it had gone better. I don't really have experience with what you're going through exactly, but my dad definitely needed some time to adjust after I came out. It was like that for Blaine too. Maybe with time, he'll come around."
"You think? I hope so! What was it like for the two of you?"
"My dad didn't really 'get' it at first and Blaine's dad went on some weird quest to get him to butch up or embrace bisexuality, but they both still always said they loved us anyways. The more time they've had to adjust and the more conversations we have had with them about it, well all of that seems to really help. But I don't want to make any false promises. He may never come around. So just try to remember that you only have two more years in this backwards hellhole. You're going to get a football scholarship, escape to college, and then you never have to come back unless you want to."
"So I just don't have a family anymore?" he asked, looking miserable.
"I'm not saying you're going to lose your family. A lot of people come around if you give them time. But if they don't, well, you're going to find a new family. A chosen family of people who love you for who you are. It's a sacred tradition in the queer community. Have you…have you ever seen the 'It Gets Better' videos?"
"No, I've never heard of that."
"I think you should watch them. It's all videos of LGBTQ adults talking about how life gets better for us. They tell their stories and some of them start just like yours. But now they are out and proud adults, with jobs and husbands, living happily in some big city. That could be you some day."
"Thank you, Kurt. You've been way nicer than I deserve after what I put you through."
"You're welcome. Can I give you some free advice?"
Karofsky nodded.
"The biggest thing I've learned from what I've been through, is that you can survive almost anything if you have a support system. Even just one friend who knows who you are and accepts you can make all the difference. I think it would be great if you came out at school, but I get that you're probably not ready for that. If you have even just one friend that you think would support you, I really encourage you to tell them. You know, the first person I actually came out to was my friend Mercedes."
"I don't think I have anyone like that." He looks so sad.
"Then the next time Blaine and I drive up to Dayton for a PFLAG meeting, we're bringing you with us."
"Would he really be okay with that? He doesn't seem to like me very much. Why does he think I'm going to beat you up?"
"Probably because that's what his bullies did. I'll talk to him. He'll come around. He saw me at my lowest point when you were bullying me so you can understand if he's a little slow to trust. But he trusts me and I trust you, so that will have to be enough for him."
"Someone beat up Blaine? Who? I bet it was one of those fuckers on the hockey team. Give me their names."
"While I'm touched by your readiness to inflict violence on his behalf, it's not anyone who goes to McKinley. Besides, I thought you were reformed. Bullying a bully is still, in the end, bullying."
"Fine. Thanks for, uh, agreeing to talk to me. I totally lost it after my dad reacted like that and…it really helped talking to you. Ms. Pillsbury helped—thanks for that one too, man—but she hasn't been through it like you have. I wish my dad was more like your dad."
"Well, maybe they could talk sometime."
"Huh? Yeah, maybe when he calms down. I should go before your pip-squeak boyfriend breaks down the door."
"He's not going to come around if you keep calling him names."
"Fair enough." David Karofsky smiled wanly at Kurt, but his eyes looked dull and sad. I hope he's going to be okay.
"Hey Dave? If things ever, uh, get bad…like really bad…I want you to call me. I'll pick up and whatever is going on, you can talk to me about it. We even…we have an extra bedroom, if…if god forbid you don't feel safe at home some day."
"Thanks, Kurt. You're…you're a really good person, you know that?"
"Well, obviously someone with skin this fair has to be an angel," he joked.
"Hah. You're weird. But…like, in a cool way. Well, I'm going to take off. Goodbye, Kurt."
—
Something within Kurt was changing. At first, it was hard to notice because Blaine had always inspired pretty strong emotions within him. Being with Blaine was always exciting whether they were watching movies with Finn and Rachel, arguing about who would win America's Next Top Model, having soul-bearing conversations, or—more recently—stripping each other's shirts off. His feelings of closeness to Blaine had grown steadily since their romance had began, but now not just the size but also the tenor of his feelings felt different.
It was thrilling and overwhelming and Kurt wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Sometimes he felt like they were merging into one person, like Blaine was becoming a part of him. Kurt had never felt so tied up in another person's existence before, not even his parents. He had never cheered someone else's successes or cried over someone else's pain like this.
He had imagined the moment before, when he would realize that he was in love. It was something romantic and sweeping. The reality was that he was in Chemistry class when it happened.
Blaine was trying to help Kurt perfect his technique measuring liquids with the graduated cylinder. He usually just made Blaine do the measuring because his brain kind of tended to shut down when Blaine said the word "meniscus."
"Come on, K-Kurt it's really not that hard." Blaine's encouragement was gentle but firm. He bent over so that both boys were eye level with the top of the solution. Blaine put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and pointed. "See, r-r-right there. Just ignore the s-s-straight line."
"I always ignore the straights," Kurt joked.
Blaine rolled his eyes. "Very cute but I won't l-l-let you di-distract me. It's all about the curve. You j-just have to find where the very —bottom of the curve is."
Kurt cocked his head to the side, concentrating carefully. It really did sound easy the way Blaine explained it. "So it's…3.5 millimeters?"
I hope that's right.
Blaine jumped up and down and clapped. "I knew you c-c-could do it!"
I feel like I can do anything when you're around.
Kurt gave him a quick hug. Blaine was grinning from ear to ear with joyful pride, like Kurt had just scaled a large mountain or taught a puppy how to tap dance.
I love him so much.
Kurt gasped quietly to himself. I love him? Oh my god, I love him.
I just have to find the perfect way to tell him.
—
Kurt thought about waiting until Valentine's Day, but it seemed too cliche and he also didn't want to wait that long. He still remembered the words that Blaine had read to him, about not wanting to make Kurt wait any longer to know how he felt. Kurt could still remember them perfectly, because he had begged Blaine to let him keep the note.
It was in the drawer of his nightstand and every now and then Kurt would take it out and read it again. He remembered how completely happy he had been. He wanted to do something that would make Blaine feel at least that happy.
It had to be romantic. It had to be grand. But it had to be soon.
In the end, as he often did, he turned to his favorite person for inspiration: Blaine.
Kurt: Can you meet me in the auditorium at 3:30 instead of Lima Bean?
Blaine: Sure! Why?
Kurt: That would ruin all my fun.
Blaine: :P
Kurt sat on the edge of the stage, legs dangling off the edge. Blaine waved to him from the back of the auditorium when he saw Kurt. He jogged down the aisle, stopping a few feet from Kurt.
"This looks familiar. Did I f-f-forget our anniversary or something?" he asked, eyes twinkling.
"No. But you don't have a monopoly on singing about your feelings and I thought it was my turn to pull off a big romantic gesture."
Blaine took a seat in the front row of the audience, looking up at Kurt with affection and curiosity.
Kurt hopped up off the stage and flipped on the sound equipment. He started his music and began to sing.
Golden leaves looked brown to me
The world had less color without you
Shapes in the sky looked plain to my eyes
The world had less color without you
I know plenty of people with eyes closed
They don't see you like I do
Darling, I do
Notes on the keys meant nothing to me
The world didn't sing without you
Birds in the trees fell silent for me
The world didn't sing without you, without you
I know plenty of people with eyes closed
They don't see you like I do
Darling, I do
Darling, I do see you
Blaine jumped to his feet and applauded enthusiastically. He walked towards Kurt and pulled himself up onto the stage.
Kurt bit his lip nervously.
Blaine reached out to take his hands. "That was b-b-beautiful, Kurt. And…wow…you moved me. You always do, but that was…exceptional. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm…I feel a bit con-con-confused about why you d-did all of this."
Blaine's hands were warm in his, his questioning eyes looking up into Kurt's.
"I realized something recently and I wanted to tell you about it. We both express ourselves better through song, so, hence…the serenade."
"So what did you w-w-want to t-tell me?" Blaine asked.
"That I…I…I love you." Kurt's hands were shaking but he got it out.
Blaine's eyes grew wide and then his smile lit up the entire auditorium. Kurt felt his hands drop as Blaine reached out to cup both of his cheeks, pulling him in for a kiss. Blaine rested his forehead against Kurt's and he could feel the warmth of his breath as he said, "I love you too."
Amazing.
Author's Notes:
Music notes:
Brave by Sara Bareilles (as seen on Glee)
Darling I Do by Landon Pigg & Lucy Schwartz (as featured in Shrek Forever After)
Other References:
The It Gets Better Project was founded in September 2010 by Dan Savage and his husband Terry Miller in response to suicides by gay teens who were being bullied. My story takes place in Season 2, which was 2010-2011 so it would have been a relatively new thing when Kurt shares it with Karofsky.
Esperanto's Stuttering Corner: Easy Stuttering
The technique Blaine was using in this chapter is called "easy stuttering." It is not quite the same thing as intentional stuttering, which was featured earlier in the story. This is not just a desensitization exercise, but a strategy to be used in conversations. The idea is that stuttering is done intentionally and without muscle tension (which typically exists in organic stuttering). There are a few benefits to using Easy Stuttering. It can be used as a more informal way to disclose your stuttering by inserting it at the beginning of a conversation. It can also reduce anxiety about whether or not you stutter because you have already planned to stutter (being in the driver's seat is empowering, so the stuttering is not in control of you but rather you are in control of it). Finally, Easy Stuttering helps you speak with reduced tension. This can help achieve the goal of improving how quickly and clearly you can get through your message while not being as effortful or unnatural as ERASM.