Sometimes it feels like they're friends. Sometimes it feels like he cares, and that's almost worse than his anger. It makes the guilt rise like bile in his throat. It makes sleeping impossible, and not sleeping is slowly driving him insane. Hisami keeps commenting on his eye bags, and demanding he lay down with him during nap time. Worrying his three year old like that only makes him feel more guilty, and the cycle goes on and on. He's so tired that he offers Kacchan an extra day with Hisami before the weekend comes.
Izuku: would you want to do dinner here tonight and take Hisami back to yours?
Kacchan: I'm off work at 4. Everything alright?
Izuku: just tired. Haven't been sleeping well.
Kacchan: whatever you need
Those words leave him feeling queasy. He can't believe Kacchan is being so nice to him. Lately, it feels like Izuku is being attacked by his own feelings. Hope and happiness feel like barbs burrowing into his skin, leaving him more upset and lonely than before.
Izuku: thanks Kacchan. See you soon.
—
Deku said he was tired, but tired doesn't begin to cover how awful he looks. He should've said that he was haggard and possibly on the verge of death. He's wearing his glasses again, but they don't mask the purple bags under his eyes.
"Papa! You surprised me!" Hisami looks delighted to see him a day early, and he shows it by dropping the toys he's playing with and jumping into Katsuki's arms. He spins him, reveling in the sweet sound of little giggles. Hisami kisses his cheek before burying his face in his neck, curls brushing his face.
"I'm here for dinner. I missed you."
Hisami does little more than nuzzle further into Katsuki's neck. After a beat, Hisami whispers in his ear.
"I love when my Papas are together. Papa is sad, and you have to give him loves, so he feels better."
Katsuki's stomach dips with a potent cocktail of guilt, apprehension, and general fear of the word love. His eyes dart over to Deku for a moment. His back is to them, so he lets his eyes linger on the hunch of his shoulders and the messy bush of his hair. He's exhausted. Katsuki whispers back to his son.
"I'll take care of him, Bub. Don't worry."
Just before he starts cooking dinner—for once, Hisami can't be bothered to help—Katsuki gives Deku the booked itinerary for a luxury spa, and the information about the car he ordered to take him there, Deku seems to not know what it is. He stares at the stack of papers, but he's not really seeing them.
"What is this?" He finally asks, placing the papers on the countertop, and hefting himself up on the island to give Katsuki more space to move around in the crowded kitchen area.
"A relaxing weekend away."
"For me," he adds, like he's not quite sure. Katsuki absently notes the way Deku's toes curl in his socks, almost nervously.
"Obviously."
"Why?"
"What do you mean why? Don't be difficult. You need a break. You look like shit."
"You really didn't need to do this," he says, and it's all breathy.
"I wanted to."
"Remember when I said you're my baby daddy? We're moving into sugar daddy territory now, and I'm terrified." Deku smiles, but it's a bit weak and watered down.
Against his better judgement, he laughs. Deku picks up the itinerary again, actually reading it this time. He still looks tentative, like he might refuse, so Katsuki nips that shit in the bud real quick.
"It's a nonrefundable booking, so don't even start," he says, pushing past Deku's knees to rifle through his cabinets like he owns the place. He pulls out two wine glasses, and finds a half empty bottle of red in the fridge.
"You don't like wine," Deku says, after Katsuki has thrust a full glass of wine in his hand and clinks his own against it.
"How do you know that?"
"Every time you drink it, you make the same face Hisami does when I force him to eat asparagus."
"It's growing on me," he says, trying to cover up the fact that he's absolutely baffled Deku notices so much about him.
"Like a bad rash," he says, sipping his wine. He still looks vaguely upset, like he's lost in his head, and Katsuki's preventing him from fully slipping away.
"Hey," he says, light and soft. It's the voice he uses when he puts Hisami to bed. Deku's eyes meet his.
"Will you just talk to me? You're worrying me—and Hisami, by the way—and we don't like worrying about you."
"Sorry," he says, draining the rest of his wine in one big gulp, and filling it up again swiftly.
"Don't be sorry. Just fucking tell me what's wrong."
"I just… have so much time. And nothing to do. And no one to talk to. Brings back some bad memories."
"What about that stupid pink-haired guy?"
Deku groans and rolls his eyes. He takes another big sip of wine, and Katsuki sees just a bit of Hisami's dramatics in the motion. It makes him smile.
"He's annoying me. I just wanted someone to talk to about what to do when I don't have my kid, and he's trying to make it something it's not. Something I don't have time for."
"You just said all you've got is time."
"I don't have time for people I don't want to make time for," he says, and it's the closest Deku's ever sounded to snapping at him.
"Damn. Never knew you were so ice cold, Deku." He's trying for levity, but it comes off more critical than he'd like.
"I'm not. I just… I don't need a boyfriend right now."
"Well, what do you need?"
"Probably a good lay," he mutters into the mouth of his glass, like Katsuki wasn't supposed to hear it, but he absolutely did, so he chokes on his wine. Deku looks startled, tries to recover. "A spa weekend sounds lovely. Thanks, Kacchan."
"Yeah… I'll start dinner, I guess."
All Katsuki can think about is how often Deku gets laid in his dreams, and how much they talk before, after, and during. Deku's not supposed to be quiet and brooding. He never thought he'd see a day where he'd admit to missing Deku's easy rambling, but here they are. For the first time ever, Katsuki thinks he might be happier in his dreams than in his current reality. That scares him.
—
Hisami is shaking with excitement, little feet kicking against his car seat. Katsuki just told him that Frostfire will be at the baby shower. He mostly said it to get him in the damn car—he was reticent to spend another day with Clown-san—but he can't deny that Hisami's unbridled joy is contagious. For once, he's looking forward to a social engagement.
When they arrive, he's not surprised to see that there's only a few people present. Pro heroes don't have the most flexible schedules, and asking twenty high ranking heroes to take off the same day almost never works. He spots Kaminari and Jiro the second they get through the door, their nine year old sulking in a corner with her headphones in. She lights up when she notices Katsuki—she's got a bit of a crush on him, and she's not shy about it. Momo's cutting food into bite sized pieces for her four year old twins. She waves when they make eye contact, and not so subtly stares at Hisami, who's clutching his pant leg like a lifeline.
"You okay, Bub?" Katsuki asks, smoothing a hand over his curls.
"Too many people," he mutters into his thigh. He forgets how shy Hisami can be because he's so dramatic. He's a confident spitfire one-on-one, but in a crowd, he's more like Deku—a shrinking violet. Katsuki bends to pick him up, and Hisami hides his face in his chest instantly.
"They're all friends of mine, and they're heroes! They'll be really nice to you, or I'll fight them."
"You promise?"
"Pinky promise, Bub. Let's go say hi to Clown and Pinky, yeah?"
Hisami only nods, still hiding.
"Bakugo, who trusted you to watch their kid?" Kaminari bellows from across the room. Hisami is still hiding, but he tenses when Kaminari speaks. Everyone's congregated around a very pregnant Ashido. She looks a bit miserable, with her swollen ankles, giant belly, and inability to drink.
"Oi, fuck off. This is my son."
"Language, Papa," Hisami whispers, pinching his chest lightly. Kaminari literally does a spit take all over his wife's badass leather jacket. Jiro pokes him with her earjacks. Hisami must have seen that because he giggles.
"You have a son?" Everyone seems shocked to hear it, and he mentally reminds himself to thank his publicist for working double time to keep his son out of the tabloids.
"You want to say hi?"
Hisami peeks out from his hiding place, and waves at Ashido. Everyone smiles and waves back at him, and Hisami looks flustered, but pleased with the attention.
"This is Hisami. I'm not going to bother telling him your names because he won't care enough to remember them anyway," he says, delighted with the odd looks they all give him. Honestly, they should've be surprised—it took Katsuki two years to remember everyone's names, and he still doesn't use them half the time. "If you upset him, I'll end you."
"Yeah," Hisami says, patting Katsuki's shoulder so he knows he can put him down. He goes straight to Ashido, despite Kirishima's obvious attempt to strong-arm a hug out of him.
"Hey, Little Bub!" Kirishima holds his arms wide, and Hisami ducks under them in an impressive display of coordination for a child his age.
"Not now, Clown-san!"
Kirishima looks positively destroyed, and everyone laughs at his expense as Hisami politely asks if he can touch Ashido's "tummy baby."
Everyone gets a kick out of their new names. Jiro is Ears, Momo is Beautiful, Koda is Quiet, Tokoyami is Birdy, and Kaminari is mercilessly dubbed Idiot. All is going well, and Hisami actually calls the twins by their names, and seems to genuinely enjoy their company. Katsuki feels like he can relax, until he hears Hisami ask a question with day-ruining consequences.
"Pink-chan, where's Frostfire?"
Fuck, Katsuki thinks. He was hoping Hisami wouldn't notice his absence, but, of course, Hisami is way too smart for his own good. It's Momo who answers, and with every word Katsuki has visions of this pleasant day going straight down the shitter.
"He's sick today, sweetie."
Hisami's sweet, freckled face crumples, and the sobbing starts.
—
Izuku walks through the double doors of the spa. It's built into the side of breathtakingly beautiful mountain. Izuku did a fair amount of Moogling the place before his driver picked him up this morning, and apparently the luxury spa package Kacchan bought him was the most expensive package the resort offered. It's a nice gesture, but it leaves him uneasy. Is he so pathetic that Kacchan, of all people, decided to take pity on him? It makes the guilt that's been simmering in his gut for the last five months burble over. There's champagne and a lovely charcuterie board in his room, but he can't bring himself to eat it. His stomach twists at the very thought. He forgoes the champagne flute and chugs straight from the bottle when he notices there are two of them, and the room suddenly feels like it was meant for two people.
He's lonely and being alone on a spa weekend feels like the saddest thing in the world, especially when the universe sends him constant reminders that this is the kind of thing most people do with a significant other. Couples pass by, hand in hand, blissfully relaxed and visibly in love. He spends the afternoon being pampered in a way that's incredible and relaxing and everything that should make him happy, but he ends up feeling coddled, with a bad taste in his mouth. He makes it back to his room, and when he checks his phone he finds a new message from Kacchan. It's a selfie full of smiling heroes, and Hisami is beaming in his lap. He's glad they're having fun. He's glad they're surrounded by love and friendship.
He wants that, too, thought. He's just never known how to reach out and grab it.
Izuku ends up sobbing in a bathrobe on top of luxurious sheets, and he knows it's ridiculous, but he can't make himself stop. He can't fathom why he's suddenly so lonely. He's been alone all his life and it's never bothered him before. It's probably because he's attracted to Kacchan, despite the fact that he's hated him for most of his life. It's so stupid, but any small kindness from Kacchan after everything they've been through takes a toll on him. It's like creating a mountaintop just to just to jump to his death—beautiful, exhilarating, full of hope, and then the reality that it's all for naught sets in.
Izuku will get through this. He's tougher and braver than anyone has ever given him credit for. He can and he will put these feelings away and he'll be strong for his son. He'll call Taikutsuna when he gets home, and maybe when he tries to kiss him again, he'll let it happen. Maybe the best way to get over Kacchan is to get under someone else, and to treat Kacchan as he is—a mostly unwilling co-parent, who loves their son despite the horrible way he came to be.
—
Katsuki can't quite call this a tantrum because Hisami isn't raging, or anything like that, but he's hysterically crying, and it hurts more than any villain attack he's ever been in. He has an urge to call Deku, to have him coach him through this unfortunate milestone, but he wants Deku to relax and rest and recharge. He wants him to snap the fuck out of whatever funk he's been in, and calling him now would just worry him. Instead, he texts Todoroki.
Katsuki: FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK
H&H Bastard: ?
In a fit of fatherly rage, Katsuki snaps a picture of his inconsolable son and sends it to him.
Katsuki: [img_01]
Katsuki: THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT
H&H Bastard: Bakugo I have a fever so high not even my right side can regulate it. I'm not in the mood for whatever this is.
Katsuki: APOLOGIZE TO MY KID
Katsuki FaceTimes Todoroki with little regard for how sick he may be. All that matters is that Hisami stops crying because it's breaking Katsuki's heart into sharp, minuscule pieces.
"Bakugo, what the fuck," Todoroki deadpans. Katsuki relishes the fact that Todoroki looks and sounds like absolute shit. Good. Not so pretty now, huh?
"Talk to my son. He was really excited to meet you, asshole," Katsuki barks, and then softly speaks to Hisami. "Here, Bub. It's Frostfire. Please, don't cry."
Hisami is practically purple he's so out of breath from his champion-level crying marathon. He looks confused before he sees Frostfire's face on the screen, and then he pulls himself together just enough to speak.
"Frostfire?"
"Uh, hello," he says. "Why are you crying?"
Katsuki rolls his eyes at Todoroki's deft response. This idiot has been a father of two for four years, and doesn't know how to fucking talk to a kid? Christ.
"You're my favorite. I wanted to say hi today," he whines, hiccuping little sobs escaping him. Katsuki fusses with Hisami's hair, trying his best to comfort him. He'd murder Todoroki if it wouldn't upset Hisami to hear that his favorite was exploded off the face of the earth.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sick today. Did you get to meet more heroes today?"
"Yeah, but they don't matter. I've never heard of them before," he says, still sounding miserable. Katsuki tries really hard not to laugh at how little he thinks of the other heroes because Hisami is clearly in a bad mood.
"Well, they're very nice people. I bet if you take a nap, you'll feel better. I'm very sleepy—I was going to take a nap, too."
"You take naps?"
"All the time," Todoroki says, a soft smile quirking his lips. "Do you want to stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep?"
"Yes, please," he says politely. His breathing is still erratic, but he's not crying anymore. His eyelids seem to be drooping, and Katsuki wonders when he'll learn these magical parenting tips and tricks. When will he get to read the handbook that both Deku and Todoroki are clearly clued in on? Hisami passes out in Kirishima's and Ashido's bed comically fast, and Katsuki pries his phone from his little hands to address Todoroki.
"You suck, but thank you for that," he says, once he's quietly shut the door to the bedroom to allow Hisami to take a much needed nap.
"Your offspring is surprisingly mild-mannered. How the hell did that happen?"
"The other half of his genetics, probably."
"How have you managed to hide a son for this long?"
"Maybe if you actually came to the party, you'd know that. Fuck off and go to sleep. You look like shit."
Todoroki sighs, rolls his eyes, and disconnects the call without a goodbye. Katsuki goes to rejoin the party, knowing he'll have many questions to answer.