October 1867
I had no doubt that Ito was the one who tried to get me assassinated. If the two men of my unit had been acting from their own volition they would have fled and deserted to escape my wrath, especially with the reputation that was mine. Instead, they came back to the headquarters, probably thinking that Ito would offer them protection. How they should have felt betrayed when he just watched me execute them with his foxy smile...
I didn't know if i was discovered yet or if Ito was trying to get rid of me for another motive. In any case, i was keeping my guard up at all time. A failed assassination is something dangerous for the person commanding it. I had no doubt that other attempts would follow soon and i was keeping my sleep light and my katana close to my futon.
I was in the courtyard, repeating my moves as usual. I wanted people to witness that i wasn't disturbed at all by the attack and that i was ready to counter anything that was coming for me. Emotionless. Unfaltering. Unwavering. Dissuasive. That's when i noticed Toudou, sitting on a bench and looking up to the autumn leaves falling from the tree. He seemed melancholic which surprised me since he had been so joyful lately and i wondered what could be the cause of such a change in his mood. I sheathed back my sword and went to the kitchen to make some tea before bringing two cups to the bench, handing one to Toudou. He smiled at me sadly and i knew that something was wrong. Toudou was like a child and a bit like Chizuru too, in a way. He never had been able to mask his emotions.
« What is it ? » i asked him.
He grabbed the cup from my hand and i sat next to him on the bench. My tea was still too hot to be drank and i blew softly on it, waiting for Toudou to answer.
« I feel lost... I'm starting to wonder if this is my place... » he told me.
« Doubt is something common to all men, even samurai. » i said in my toneless voice.
« I don't think you ever doubted a thing, Saito. » he chuckled.
« I do. » i just said and that seemed to reassure him a bit.
We stayed silent for a while, looking at the leaves dancing in the wind and reaching the ground, making a mat full of colors.
« Ito gave me a mission. » eventually said Toudou. « To prove my loyalty. »
I stayed silent, waiting for him to open up a little more.
« I don't know... This mission... It just seems wrong... » he sighed « it's not that i'm not a true imperialist or anything but... i never did something like this before... »
« What did he asked from you ? » i asked.
« My unit is supposed to ambush Kondou-san and kill him... » he paused, waiting for my reaction but nothing came « I know he's the enemy and everything but... Hell, Saito ! It's Kondou we're talking about ! »
I understood completely. Toudou was also a member of the Shieikan Hall. He was took in by Kondou when he had nowhere else to go. Kondou was someone special to all of us. Even if Toudou quitted the Shinsengumi, he couldn't ignore that easily his former friendships. It really was cruel from Ito to order something like this to Toudou. He wanted so bad to prove himself worth of the Guardians's trust... This order was torturing him, it was visible on his face. And i knew that even if it was painfully hard for him, he'll obey to Ito because if he didn't, it meant that all that he did, quitting the Shinsengumi, his friends, Chizuru... All that was meaningless and vain.
« What do you think, Saito ? » he asked, turning to me for insight.
« You walk the warrior path just like the rest of us, Toudou. » i answered calmly « you have to listen to your warrior heart and find where your honor resides. »
« But what is honor, Saito ? Sometimes, we do so much ugly things that i wonder. » he sighed.
« Honor is something that cannot be given to you, nor be taken from you. It is a gift from a warrior to himself. » i answered again.
« That... just doesn't make any sense ! » he yelled, holding his head in his hands. He calmed down and smiled to me. « Thank you, Saito. »
I nodded, happy i could have brought him a bit of confort. I hoped he could meditate on my words and find himself the path on which he wished to walk. It wasn't too late for Toudou to come back with me to the Shinsengumi.
Because now I knew. I was going back. There was no way i could let Ito murder the commander, Kondou-san, who did so much for all of us. This was the end of the road for the Guardians and there was a cliff at the end. I hoped Toudou would be able to make the right choice and not fall with the rest of them. As for Ito and Miki, i secretly hoped the Hijikata-san and Kondou-san would allow me to kill them myself.
« You know... I really don't know how you can be so... what's the word... tough maybe... all the time. It feels like events are just sliding on you, like water an a rock... » he sighed « I wonder what you would do in my situation but i know you won't tell me anyway. » he smiled.
I brought the tea to my lips and he did the same. I couldn't walk the path for him but i could stand alongside him and I think he understood it.
« Sometimes I envy you. » he confessed « You're always unshakable, relentless... You always stay true to yourself whatever the odds. It feels like your world is only black and white. » he sighed « i would like mine to be like this instead of shades of grey... »
« I think you are mistaken about your vision of myself, Toudou. » i eventually answered « Every man sees the world in shades of grey and I am not an exception. Only the gods have the power to truly distinguish good and evil. »
He smiled sadly and nodded. His expression was softer though and maybe had he found in his heart the answer he was looking for. Our tea finished, i stood up with the cups to clean them and got back to the practice of my moves to get ready for battle.
That night, i got out of the headquarters silently. I noticed that i was followed again and i lured my uninvited guest into a trap to kill him. I had nothing more to loose anyway. I could tell Ito that he tried to murder me.
At last, my greatest wish was granted and i joined the Furudo village to hold a big meeting with all the captains of the Shinsengumi. My six month lie was finally over.