Co-Written with Scribes1015!
Angel's fingertips danced across his desktop as he stared off aimlessly at the wall. His mind was not staying with his work today at all. He was thankful he had some time between meetings to just do a whole lot of nothing.
Angel heard his phone let off a little 'ding' sound and reached over to grab it, grinning at the text. "Maybe y'all need some sort of self help book or something. Remarrying Your Ex For Dummies perhaps? - Lindsey."
Angel sat the phone back down and shook his head. 'If only,' he thought. He was beyond elated that he knew both he and Buffy were on the same page about what they wanted... some of these bigger goals they wished to achieve... making sure they were husband and wife again, planning to build a family as the next step after she was his in every way once more... But the getting to that Step A had his mind reeling at times.
He didn't want to rush into it, well... he did... but at the same time he wanted to make sure their mistakes of the past would not be repeated. He wanted to make sure that their wounds had healed from the words and actions they put one another through those years past. He did not want to bring any of that negativity into their world again. He wanted to make amends for the hurtful words he'd hurled at her and to make one hundred percent sure that she knew what he truly felt, that all of that was out of a dark place and nothing more than that. Angel wanted to make sure that they had trust between them, that jealousy and rage wouldn't come between them once more, that Buffy wouldn't ever even question his loyalty to her ever again.
Angel needed her to know that she was it for him, she always would be. He needed her to trust and believe him on that, that he'd never betray her in that manner, that he would never hurt her like that in a million years. He had thought she knew that the first time they went on this journey but shit sure hit the fan with Darla. Yes, Darla had made some very strong strides to make it believable that he was up to no good fooling around with her but he wanted to make sure that this time Buffy never had to even question it for a second. No matter what.
Then, on the other side of that, like he'd been discussing this morning with Lindsey was the fact of how in the hell you even go about marrying someone a second time. His brain would start to hurt if he even thought about any of it too long.
He would look down at his wedding ring or at hers and wonder if he was supposed to get a new set. He loathed that idea, though. His ring hadn't left him once and he didn't think he could bare to part with it. Getting them professionally cleaned prior to any such occasion or something he could maybe deal with. Thinking about the rings would always have him wondering back to proposals... having a ring could be tricky when she already has it. He felt like he'd done the perfect proposal already so he had no idea how he'd make it special when the day ever did come. He spent a lot of time day dreaming up different ideas on that.
He knew they'd discuss it when the time came but he couldn't help but want to panic when he imagined what would happen next. He'd already given her the dream wedding she wanted, it was beautiful, it was perfect... You couldn't exactly recreate that and it not seem a little strange.
A court house wedding didn't seem to justify their journey either.
He really had no idea what she might want for the day when it came to be. He knew he'd be on board with anything she wanted, though. Bigger and better, small and intimate, anything was fine with him as long as she was happy and it truly happened at the end of the day.
He thought about the timing a lot, too. They already had an anniversary date, one Buffy had been dead set on from the day he even proposed the first time. He wondered if you should keep the day, pick a new one... it was all one question after another when he let his mind really go there.
He'd counted the days and weeks to what was once his favorite day more times than he'd like to admit. He didn't want to put pressure on either of them to get their acts together by X day but he also hated the idea of it passing them by then waiting for another year... if they decided to keep their previous wedding day the same anyhow.
Angel sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. "I'm getting too damn ahead of myself," he said out loud to the otherwise empty room.
OoOoO
Buffy's eyes fluttered to the clock once again then back to her laptop. She didn't know which was worse... being anxious about meeting up with Xander for lunch or trying to fill out her resume for the teaching job. She'd always loved working with kids, she'd helped out at with after school care with the elementary school for years before she'd left California and had worked in daycare before as well. Hell, the teaching position would put her years spent in college to use, too.
Looking it over again, Buffy studied the requirements, the description, everything she could about the job offered and the school itself before she put her resume under the magnifying glass one last time. She shook both her hands into the air for a moment before taking a deep breath and hitting "Send Resume To Employer."
Letting out a deep breath, she closed the laptop and looked at the time again. She was about to grab her phone and check on Xander when she heard the familiar rumbling of his truck as it got closer to the house. She used to tease him over the fact you could hear him roaring down the road from a mile away but it became a thing of comfort over the years.
She quickly pulled their ham and mozzarella sliders out of the oven where she had left them to keep warm and made sure everything else looked alright before making her way to the door. "Hey, Xan," she greeted as she opened the door, a big smile on her face as she pulled her friend in for a big hug.
"The Buffster! I always feel like it's been years when I see you anymore."
Buffy asked him how he was as she stepped out of the way to let him join her inside. He rubbed his hands together and his eyes wandered around the living area and up toward the stairs as he answered. "He's not here, Xander," Buffy told him as she rolled her own eyes at him. "Angel is at work. In LA."
"Just making sure," he replied. Shutting his eyes, he breathed deeply, smelling the air. " Hmmm, smells like yummy goodness, lead the way my lady."
Buffy shook her head at his antics, leading the way into the kitchen she prepared herself for what was about to come.
OoOoO
Later that evening, Buffy sat on the couch wrapped up in her favorite blanket. Angel would be home soon, but she just couldn't pull herself together, picking up her cell she quickly put an order in for Dominos. Hopefully he wouldn't mind the take out again.
Her thoughts were still on Xander, and their earlier visit. As she expected the conversation wasn't an easy one to have, she definitely didn't enjoy reliving the Spike parts, but at least now he knew.
He had apologized to her, telling her what everyone else did. That he wished she would have confided in him, that she shouldn't have had to go through something like that alone. That he was sorry, and had he known he would have been more supportive. He admitted that Angel was still far from his favorite person, despite everything, but he vowed to at least try to be civil.
Then in true Xander fashion he jumped right to the tough questions, the Angely ones. The ones that she wished she had the answers too, the best she could give him was that they were trying, that they had end goals, and that as far as she was concerned Angel was going to be a part of her life, forever. It was the how too's, the when's, and the where's that she couldn't answer.
Those were the questions that had her sulking in her favorite pajamas that afternoon. She was glad that Angel had finally opened up last night, at least they knew they both wanted to end up in the same place. She just wasn't sure if they were working on the same timeline, and she had so many questions. Questions she didn't even begin to know how to ask, things she didn't know how to say.
Even though they had spoke in length about everything that happened between them, sometimes she still felt like he hadn't fully forgiven her, she often wondered if he had doubts. What Spike did to her was awful, but before that, all her insecurities. All the times she hadn't believed Angel when he swore there was nothing going on… all that was on her. She would have never been raped, they would have never been divorced, they could have everything they wanted right now if she had just trusted him.
He said that not being married made it hard to breath, but he didn't say "Hey, let's get married Saturday". She didn't know if she was supposed to wait for him to propose, or if they were just supposed to decide they were going to the courthouse over breakfast.
Their anniversary was in three months, were they supposed to wait until then to get married again? Their wedding anniversary was also the date that he had first stood in her class, the day they first met. She didn't want to just pick some random new day, their day was already special. It was their day, but three months wasn't very much time to figure everything out, and fifteen months just seemed like an eternity.
Knowing Angel, he would probably want to mark the occasion with some sort of extravagance, but she didn't care about any of that. She just wanted to be his again. She wanted their wedding day to remain their wedding day, she didn't want a new one. She didn't want new rings, not when theirs had been through so much with them. She didn't even want a second honeymoon, everything they had was perfect the first time… no need for improvement.
A commercial came across the television catching her attention. It was an ad for pampers...A new mom, drenched in sweat from a strenuous labor was handed a tiny swaddled bundle of perfection. Her husband huddled over shoulder, beaming with pride.
Buffy couldn't stop the tears that formed behind her eyes. She had never understood the girls that went all gaga over a drooling baby. In the past she had always avoided them, not that she didn't like kids, she just preferred them once they could speak. The term "baby fever" had never made much sense to her before, but now it almost seemed like children, babies, her and Angel's babies specifically were taking over more and more of her thoughts.
All of these racing thoughts were giving her a headache, why wasn't there like an anti divorce, or undivorce option. Who knew getting back together could be just as complicated as breaking up.
OoOoO
Traffic in L.A. had been terrible, it had taken him nearly two hours to reach Sunnydale. He had been trying to reach Buffy on her cell, but she hadn't answered which was worrying him more than he liked. Pressing down on the gas pedal, he once again increased his speed, while citing a silent prayer.
As he pulled into the driveway he noticed that everything seemed normal, nothing was out of place. Stepping out of the car, he raced up the sidewalk. The door was locked, which he thought was a good sign. Fishing the keys out of his slacks pocket, he shoved it in the door, and raced into the house.
The sight that greeted him was the last thing he expected. Buffy was curled into a ball on the couch, silent tears streaming down her face. A box of tissues sat on the coffee table, he didn't know what happened but it had to have something to do with Xander. After last night he thought they were making progress, he certainly hadn't expected to walk into this, her falling apart.
Shrugging his coat off, he dropped it across the back of the chair she had insisted on reupholstering. She hadn't even noticed he was home yet as he crouched beside her, stroking the hair back from her face.
Instantly her eyes snapped open locking with his. She couldn't believe she hadn't heard him come in, the last thing she wanted was for him to find her like this. She wasn't even sure how long she had been crying for, she sort of just spaced.
Quickly wiping the tears from her eyes, she attempted to sit up "I'm sorry."
Angel looked furious, no matter how he tried to hide it, the anger always poured from his eyes. "What happened, what in the hell did that little wood working asshole say!?"
Confused, it took her a second to realize that he was talking about Xander. "No, it wasn't Xander, he didn't do anything, I swear."
Scooting over to make room for him, she grabbed his hand, urging him to sit next to her. Without hesitation, Angel wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close to him, he placed a kiss to the side of her head. "Talk to me, did something happen?"
He had no idea what was going on, if it wasn't Harris that said something, then he couldn't think of a single reason why she would be so upset.
"I'm sorry," she repeated, crying harder now.
"For what?" he asked gently.
Buffy took a shaky breath. "For e-everyth-thing. I'm sorry for everything, Angel. I'm sorry for how things are with us right now... I'm sorry that we are stuck in this weird space of trying to figure out how to be together and how to get back to where we should be in the first place. I'm sorry that we are both here wanting to be husband and wife and we can't be... y-yet. I hate that there's a yet. I'm sorry that we don't have a family, sorry that we have to figure out our mess before we bring a baby into it. I am sorry that I didn't tell you about Darla's stupid ass brother earlier than I did. I'm sorry that I didn't tell anyone about him... I'm sorry that I was cruel and horrible afterward. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you or that I didn't believe in myself enough back then. I don't even know why I let that fucking woman ruin our lives. I hate myself for it. I'm sorry that I was-"
Angel pulled her into his lap, squeezing her to him as tight as he could without hurting her. She continued to ramble on, however, until he kissed her, cutting the words off. She only broke down more when they came up for air though. "Buffy, we've been through a lot of this," he told her softly. "I'm not blaming you for anything... there is an endless fucking list of things I wish I could go back and do over. There's a list of things I wish I had handled differently, any number of damn things that I did that wound up just tearing us apart more."
Buffy hiccuped. "I sh-should have just believed you, Angel..."
He sighed, his eyes closing. "You have no idea how much I wish you would have," he whispered. "I understand how hard everything being put in front of you must have made it damn near impossible but fuck do I ever hate the fact you ever questioned it. The fact of you believing I would hurt you like that, that I would ever want someone other than you crushed me. Trying to constantly reassure you and prove to you that I would never do that and just getting shut down over and over... it felt like I was drowning. I hated that I couldn't just get you to trust me."
"It was all just so m-much at once..."
"I know, baby," he whispered. "But I still hate it. And it terrifies me to think of going through it again with you. All I want is a forever with you, that's all I have wanted since the moment I laid eyes on you. And here we are, getting one hell of a second chance to make that still come to be... and I am driving myself nearly mad wanting to just beg you to be my wife again and make it official again as soon as damn possible... and yet I am over here spinning in circles trying to figure out how to make sure something like that will never be an issue again. I still don't know how to get you to trust me," he told her. "I would never survive losing you again."
"You won't," Buffy quickly shook her head. She moved around until she was straddling him, both her hands coming up to cup his face. "I'm sorry I didn't trust you before," she repeated, her voice cracking. "I don't even know what was wrong with me other than I was too in my head and too self conscious or whatever else... but I do trust you, Angel. Now more than I ever have... I would never let us repeat that part of our history, Angel. I don't care about the circumstances, it will never happen again. No one will ever be able to tear us apart, not even ourselves if we just do this... I don't know how to show you that I do either other than just proving it day after day with us together..."
"Beyond that, Buffy... though... I need you to trust in us. Fully. I need you to know my heart belongs only to you and for you to let me show that each and every day, I need you to know that all the shitty things I had done and said aren't what's real in my heart or how I truly feel about you. We both need to leave those awful, worthless things we did to one another in that place and not bring it into our future, ever. We need... I need you to know you can come to me about anything. You can talk to me about anything... whether it's good or it's bad, if it isn't something I want to hear, if it'll start an argument...whatever the damn case, know that I am here and we will work through anything. I will do anything for you, Buffy..."
Buffy kissed him so hard he was sure he tasted blood when his lip gnashed into his teeth. "All I want is for you to be with me." Buffy placed her hands on his shoulders and took a moment to collect her thoughts. "I keep thinking all the could have been's lately, or... more than usual lately anyhow. Then with Xander today it just struck so much home to me all over again how screwed up everything was and how I had no idea the details of how to fix this mess. We made a lot of mistakes, I know that, but we learned from there the hardest way. The future isn't going to have those problems, it can't."
"Maybe we do a little less worrying about what was now, or about what could have been... Maybe we focus a lot more of what is and what will be?" Buffy looked down at her lap, her fingers toying with her rings. His own thumb instinctively went to his own wedding ring. "We have a lot of the same fears and worries which maybe after tonight those can be put to rest, at least mostly to rest... we also have a lot of the same hopes and dreams for what our lives will hold. It feels like it's one thing to know we want to get married again or that we want to have a child together... but it's a little unsettling trying to figure out things like..."
"How to marry the same person again?" she interrupted.
"Yeah..." he said slowly, "Exactly." He told her how he'd had that on his mind this morning and even having attempted to reach out to Lindsey on the subject.