Author's note: Bucky's mind is still healing and he has trouble knowing who he is and were sometimes but Steve is his anchor. With Steve's love he will continue to heal. (I am updating as much as I can because I am off work. Still a few more Chapters to go.)
The man opened his heavy eyes, feeling drowsy and confused, hearing muffled and eyesight blurry. He swallowed, throat dry and tried to shift up, realizing suddenly his left arm was missing. He let out a chocked cry of distress as he struggled to blink open his eyes and looked down at his body, expecting to find himself naked on the cold, steal surgical table the men in white jackets had strapped him to. Instead he was wearing soft cotton cloths and he was not restrained. A figure came close, hovering to his right and he jerked away, bringing up his only arm up to defend his head as he growled out in Russian, voice stained but still menacing even as he cowered defensively.
"Я никогда не буду подчиняться!" (I will never comply!) He didn't know who he was or how he came to be their one armed experiment but he did know that they wanted him to comply and for some reason, a sense of burning defiance was all that he had left and so he clung to it.
"Jarvis can you translate please?" Steve's voice was heavy with emotion as he took a few steps away from his frightened friend, looking back over his shoulder at Bruce and Sam who stood on the other side of the room with a few medical staff. Clint was on standby with a trank dart, position in the other far corner perched on top of a desk.
Yes Captain Rodgers, He said 'I will never Comply.'
Steve nodded and let out a breath.
"Bucky?... Can you hear me?" Steve asked with a gental tone, remaining several feet away. He waited as Bucky remained curled protectively on his left side, right arm still shielding his head, breathing fast and loud. He did not respond and so Steve spoke again but this time he used Sam's suggestion, and tried to help his friend come back from his psychotic state by throwing him a life line that he could catch and hold onto.
"Jarvis, Play Side by Side,… the Lee Morse version." Steve swallowed as he waited anxiously to see if the familiar song would calm Bucky and help him recognize Steve. Lee Morse was a favorit singer of Winfread Barnes and Bucky had loved this song the most. He sang it often in their youth and as a young man, sometimes loud and drunk in their brooklyn apartment and then soft and mumbled, whispered or hummed in the dark of their shared tent during the war. Over the speaker, the crackle of an old 1927 recording began to play, an upbeat guitar melody sounded followed by a deep female voice.
'See that sun in the morning, Peekin' over the hill, I'll bet you're sure it always has, And sure it always will. That's how I feel about someone, Somebody feels about me, We're sure we love each other, And that's the way we'll always be.'
Bucky, lowered his arm slightly and peered up through his curtain of hair toward Steve, blinking as a confused look replaced the menacing scowl.
'Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money, Maybe we're ragged and funny, But we'll travel along, Singin' a song, side by side.'
Steve offered a small smile and nod, taking a breath as he watched Bucky slowly use his one arm to help himself sit up, eyes locked on Steve the whole time, watching him with caution.
'Don't know what's comin' tomorrow, Maybe it's trouble and sorrow, But we'll travel along, Singin' a song, side by side.'
Steve remained still, body language open and unthreatening as Bucky turned his body toward Steve, legs hanging over the edge of the bed.
'Through all kinds of weather, What if the sky should fall, Just long as we're together, It doesn't matter at all.'
Bucky glanced nervously toward Bruce and Sam before his intense gaze shot back to Steve, a pout of uncertainty still masking his face.
'When they've all had their quarrels and parted, We'll be the same as we started, Just travelin' along Singin' a song, side by side.'
Steve took a small step forward and Bucky flinched back, eyes scanning over the Captain with a wary gaze, right hand griping the sheets of the bed white knuckled.
'Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money, Maybe we're ragged and funny. But we'll travel along, Singin' a song, side by side'
Steve offered another smile and held his hand out, palm up, the other loose at his side as he took a few more steps forward. Bucky swallowed and looked at the outstretched hand and then back up into Steve's kind, blue eyes, forehead crumbled as he tried to understand what was happening. Steve took a breath and sang the next line with a calm, soft tone.
'Don't know what's comin' tomorrow, Maybe it's trouble and sorrow. But we'll travel the road, Sharin' our load, side by side'
Bucky tilted his head as a look of dawning recollection set in, his own mouth moving to mumble the familiar words of the song.
'Through all kinds of weather, What if the sky should fall, As long as we're together. It doesn't matter at all'
Steve grinned and nodded taking a final few steps closer until his hand was only a foot away from his friend who released the sheets and carefully placed his hand in Steve's open palm. Together with eyes locked, Steve sang and Bucky mumbled the final lines of the song that was as much a part of their lives together as Coney island and the Dogers.
'And if he goes and takes him a notion, To jump and drown in the ocean. It's sink or it's swim, Oh, it's me or it's him, side by side'
The crackle of the old song faded and Bucky's features relaxed slightly, the lines of stress easing and he let out a shuddered sigh as he closed his eyes. Steve closed distance, right hand gently rubbing over the knuckles of Bucky's hand as his other stroked through Bucky's long strains of hair.
"Hey Pal,… Do you know who I am?" The Captain whispered softly, and Bucky opened his eyes and blinked looking up into the familiar face of the one man who he knew even when he knew nothing else.
"Your my Steve." Bucky answered quietly, blue eyes innocent and vulnerable.
"Yea,… that's right,… And do you know who you are?" Steve asked with a soft smile and encouraging nod, hand cradling the side of Bucky's face.
Bucky bit the side of his lip and looked away, blinking in thought before he swallowed and looked down with a broken sigh and shook his head. Steve felt his chest grow tight and he stepped closer wrapping his arms around Bucky's back holding him to his chest as he kissed the top of his friends bowed head.
"That's okay,…. I will help you remember." Steve promised, offering the comforting embrace as he felt Bucky's breathing hitch, a few hot tears soaking into Steve's gray shirt. The Captain let out his own sigh and looked over his shoulder at Sam and Bruce with a hevey heart and a guilty expression. Sam offered back a half smile and a thumbs up as Bruce gave a nod, letting the Captain know that whatever mistakes he made along the way, his team was there to support him and they would work together to help Bucky heal.
…
It was several hours later after Bucky had regained a sense of self awareness, trying to focus on who he was and hold on to the perception of self he had only just begun to grasp. Steve stood nearby with Sam and Natasha at his side as Bruce and Tony explained the mechanics and surgical procedure of attaching the new prosthetic arm to a quiet and intensely focused James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky was standing over the living mechanical appendage that was still moving suddenly of it's own accord with the blue light shinning through beneath the plates as they flexed.
"So,… this,… plant,… energy,… or whatever,… it's gonna mix with my own life force?... Like… my soul?" Bucky questioned as he examined the arm with an arched eyebrow, shifting on his feet with his one hand flexing and unflexing with nervous energy at his side.
"Well,… Uh,… yea,… I mean,… I guess if that's how you want to think about it." Tony shrugged as he looked over at Bruce and then to the others. It was still somewhat startling and new to have the former Hydra Asset speaking and acting like an actual person. Bucky swallowed as he studied the arm and then looked over his shoulder at Steve and gave a small nervous huff of a laugh as he shook his head.
"I can only imagin what Father McGuilachuty would say about this Steve." Bucky wiped his mouth with his only hand as Steve took a step forward and lay a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"I am sure Father McGuilachty would have a lot to say about life now-a-days,… I mean,… Aliens?" Steve smiled as Bucky let out another small huff of laughter and looked back at his best friend, offering his own uneasy smile as Steve rubbed his back.
"I know this is a lot to think about Bucky…" Steve began and Bucky just snorted.
"Everything is a lot Steve,… I just,…" He closed his eyes for a moment and then looked again at the twitching arm before swallowing again and turning all the way around to face Steve, expression serious and intent.
"You think I should do it?... I should let Stark and the Doc attach this,… thing?" Bucky gestured toward the arm with his head, sparing it another glance before he turned away, obviously unsettled by the moving mechanical limb. Steve kept one hand on Bucky's uninjured shoulder and studied his friend's expression.
"It's up to you Bucky,… Whatever you want,…. You don't have to decide right now if you want a new arm but,… this one will only work if we attach it in the next 3 hours… There are other options though…" Steve offered, searching his friend's weary expression.
"For the record though this is definitely the best option,.. Just saying." Stark piped up from the other side of the table and Steve shot him an annoyed glare as Bucky glanced nervously in his direction and then back to Steve. He blinked several times again shifting on his feet as he bit his lip and gave a side ways glance toward the prosthetic arm.
"I,… I don't,…." Bucky swallowed, his words muttered and nervous, a shuddered breath leaving his lips as his fist continued to clenched and unclenched.
"I's okay Buck,… you don't have to do this,… it's completely your choice." Steve promised leaning in and speaking softly with an earnest expression.
"I can't trust my own mind Stevie,… I need,… I need you to tell me to do this,… If,… If this is what I should do,… I can't,… I need you to tell me." Bucky whispered his broken words with eyes that portrayed his humility and shame as well as self-doubt and some frustration, still battling with conflicting thoughts and feelings.
Steve swallowed and looked over his shoulder at Sam and Natasha who exchanged sympathetic expression, The Widow placing her hands on her hips as the Falcon rubbed the back of his neck and then took a few steps forward.
"Sergent Barnes,… This has to be your decision, this is your arm,… no one can tell you what you should or should not do." Sam spoke with a calm and direct tone as Bucky met his eyes and then looked away again, moving closer to Steve, hand coming up to grab Steve's bicep.
"With,… all do respect Sir,…I don't,… I don't really know you,... any of you..." Bucky glanced at the other Avengers and then back toward Steve's patient and considerate expression.
"I don't even know myself right now,…and,… the only thing I do know,… is that I trust Steve Rodgers." Bucky swallowed and his eyes stayed locked with the Captain's. Steve sighed and nodded, squeezing Bucky's shoulder.
"What should I do Cap?" Bucky asked with an imploring look, needing Steve to take charge of the situation and trying his best to keep himself together and not revert into the blank compliance of the soldier.
Steve glanced at Sam who just shrugged, letting him know that whatever he encouraged Bucky to do would be his responsibility but the others would stand by him whatever the outcome. The Captain sighed again and looked Bucky in his eyes, offering a small smile.
"I trust my team Bucky,… Tony Stark and Bruce Banner are good men… They have been helping us both. And if they think this arm is the best one,… then I think we should let them attach it." Steve offered in a calm and even tone. Bucky let out a nervous breath and blinked again rapidly before glancing at the arm, swallowing as he again shifted even closer to Steve who wrapped a protective arm around his friend. Bucky looked away, face crumpling as he squeezed his eyes shut and nodded before resting his head on Steve's shoulder, body shuddering.
"Yea Stevie,… Lets do it." His voice held a tremor of fear but was underlined with his conviction and determination. Steve rubbed Bucky's back and looked up at the others who all nodded, understanding that Bucky was facing one of his most traumatic memories because he trusted Steve even when he was uncertain of anything and everything else. It was a step forward but it left them all feeling just as anxious and uneasy as the two Super Soldiers standing intertwined before them.
…
The Captain stood on the other side of the glass window as he made eye contact with Bucky who was staring at him while hyperventilating into the anesthesia mask that was over his face. Bruce and Tony were working with the other medical staff as they prepared for the surgical procedure of attaching the new prosthetic arm, preforming the operation in a different medical wing that had Stark's tech on hand. Steve put his hand up on the glass, palm open as he forced himself to smile and nod despite the fear in his best friend's eyes. Sam was by his side and reminded Steve that Bucky was in good hands as Bruce quietly encouraged Bucky to slow his breathing. It took several minutes of increasing the strength of the anesthesia before Bucky's large, frightened blue eyes started to droop, blinking shut reluctantly as he fought to maintain eye sight of the Captain despite knowing he had to be asleep before the procedure could begin.
It took almost three hours and even though there was minimal blood, Steve still felt sick and like his heart would explode as his mind replayed images from the Hydra footage of the first metal arm that had been welded into Bucky's flesh and bones. When they were finally finished and the bandages were secured, Bucky was transported from the surgical room back to his own medical suite where Steve took the seat next to him asking for only the company of some quiet and soothing Jazz from the 1930's. He watched Bucky begin to stir, his mask of sleep disappearing as his brow crumpled and a small sound of distressed escaped his throat. Steve instantly leaned forward and took Bucky's flesh hand as he spoke softly.
"Hey Bucky,… It's okay,… you'r safe." Steve promised as Bucky let out a harsh gasp, eyes blinking open, confused and obviously frightened.
"I'm right here pal,… I got you Buck… It's just me…." Steve encouraged as Bucky's panicked eyes blinked up at him, disoriented and not yet recognizing the face of the man speaking to him. He took in a few harsh breaths, shaking slightly before a look of recollection dawned and then immediately, he let out a sigh of relief.
"Steve?... Stevie?" Bucky's voice was small and he squeezed Steve's hand as he rolled toward him, stopping suddenly as he looked down at his new left arm, eyes growing wide and breathing stopped.
"That's you new arm Bucky,… Remember?... Tony and Bruce helped attach it." Steve spoke with a calm and even tone, attempting to sooth the panic that Bucky was radiating. His friend looked up at Steve with eyes that held a torrent of conflicting emotions and distress before he pushed himself to sit up fully with his flesh arm, eyes large as he studied his new prosthetic. He let out a few harsh breaths threw his noise and he flexed the arm, maneuvering each finger and then his wrist and elbow. The arm was silent as it moved unlike the whirling machine noises of the Hydra arm. It was slimmer and the smooth mental seemed to shift and move like a mental skin rather then plated armor. Slowly Bucky's breathing began to calm as his alarmed expression shifted to one of pensive focus. He closed his fist, and shut his eyes as he ran his flesh hand over his face and through his hair.
"Hoe does It feel Bucky?... Are you in any pain?" Steve asked softly as he reached out and rubbed circles into his friend's back. Bucky shook his head but then stopped and looked at Steve, swallowing before he spoke as if reminding himself where he was and who he was with.
"Just,... Only my shoulder,… It's a little sore,… but it's not,... Not like before." He swallowed again and flinched at the memory, flesh hand coming up to rest on his bandaged shoulder joint. Steve leaned forward and moved his hand up to tuck hair behind his friend's ear.
"Nothing will ever be like it was before,… You will never be treated like that again Pal!" Steve promised and Bucky looked up at him with an intense expression and tried to force himself to smile, but the effort just made his eyes tear up and his face crumble. Steve pulled him into an embrace and carefully enveloped him into his arms as he kissed Bucky's head, gently laying a warm hand over Bucky's flesh one that rest protectively over his metal shoulder.
"I got you Bucky,… everything is going to be better now,… Hydra can't hurt you any more,… we won't let them." Steve reassured and Bucky shook quietly, internally hating himself for being so emotional but unable to dissociate, feeling everything with intensity as he was left raw and exposed. He was no longer the compliant, mechanical Hydra Asset, but he still didn't feel like the confident and defiant James Buchanan Barnes. Instead he felt striped down and unmade, like a trembling child who needed the comfort of a parent after waking up from a nightmare that had lasted a life time.
"I'm sorry,… I'm sorry Steve." Bucky whispered with a quivered voice as he shook, face hidden in Steve's chest. Steve gentaly rubed up and down Bucky's bare back and sighed as he pulled back slightly and moved his hand from Bucky's shoulder to lift his chin, trying to catch his friend's watery eyes.
"Sorry for what Buck?... You got nothing to apologize for!" Steve questioned with an ever patient and comforting tone. Bucky returned his gaze with a look of exhaustion and a trembling pout.
"I'm sorry for being such a head case,… for putting you through this,… for letting Hydra control me,… for letting them break me…" Bucky's eyes closed as a few tears ran down his cheeks and he hastily wiped them from his face and turned away. Steve cupped Bucky's face and pulled him back in, resting his chin on Bucky's bowed head as he once more carefully wrapped his arm around him.
"God Buck,…. After every thing you've been through,… of course you are struggling pal,… no one could have lived through what those Nazi bastards did to you and not come out worse for ware,… You are so strong Bucky,… so brave and you tried so hard to fight back… Even if they did break you,… you're the one who held on to all those pieces of yourself Bucky…. I'm not gonna say this has been easy,… watching you try so hard to remember who you are.… To understand how to be yourself again,… but none of this is your fault!... And if you tried to do this on your own,….." Steve closed his eyes as he felt his chest tighten and a tear escaped his own eye as his voice became a hushed whisper.
"If...if you didn't let me be with you,… Try to help you,… Buck,… I would be…. I,… God Bucky!" Steve's voice broke and it was Bucky's turn to pull back as he brought his flesh hand up to Steve's face, searching his Captain's tearful expression, both men locked in each other's desperate gaze.
"I…. I let you fall Bucky,… I let you fall from the train and Hydra got you,… I couldn't save you,…. I'm the one who needs to apologize Bucky,… I am the reason all of this happened to you,... I" Steve was crying, for the first time since he finally had his best friend back not just in body but in mind as well. It was Bucky's turn to shake his head as he reluctantly lifted the new metal hand and placed it on Steve's shoulder, flesh hand massaging the back of Steve's neck as he pulled him forward, until their foreheads were pressed together, Steve biting back his sobs and Bucky focusing on his own uneven breaths.
"You didn't do this Steve,… You are the only reason I was able to escape,… you saved me from Hydra… twice,… and you are the only one who can save me from myself,… You are everything Stevie,…. Always have been!" Bucky kissed Steve's forehead, and then his temple. Steve looked up at Bucky, wet eyes shining bright as Bucky felt his heart racing. He leaned in slowly, hesitantly as he brought his lips to Steve's cheek, soft and tender, then he kissed each wet eye lid and pulled back again, eyes searching for permission. Steve opened his eyes, breathing raspy as he licked his lips and swallowed before nodding. Bucky ran his flesh hand through Steve's golden hair and then brought his lips to Steve's, kissing him with a softness that reminded the Captain of their first kiss almost a century ago, when they were just two confused Brooklyn boys, drunk on Whiskey and nervous because they knew they shouldn't.
Bucky pulled back to check Steve's expression and the Captain answered by leaning back in, both hands cupping Bucky's face as he returned the tentative kiss with one that was certain and absolute, the same way he had kissed him in the shower. It was a promise, a statement that Steve wanted Bucky, wanted him despite everything, wanted him with every scar and would always want him. The kiss depended and only broke when Steve felt Bucky begin to tremble again, fresh tears pouring down his cheeks. Steve pulled back and used his thumbs to wipe Bucky's wet cheeks as he spoke with conviction and certainty.
"I love you Bucky,… I have always loved you,… And I will always love you… we are in this together pal…" Steve swallowed as Bucky let out a small broken laugh and nodded, hand still gripping the back of Steve's neck.
"Yea,… I know Cap,… 'till the end of the line!" Bucky smiled beneath wet eyes and when he leaned into kiss Steve again both their tears made the kiss salty but it didn't matter. The Winter Soldier didn't know what love was, but James Buchannan Barnes did. And as long as Steve loved him, he could survive anything.
End notes: Arm is on and Bucky is now functioning more or less as himself but with heaps of trauma to get through.