Aliyah01 - Shelby's eating, or lack of, is definitely something I'll be exploring further, it's mentioned briefly in this chapter but it will be talked about in more detail later on.
I've had a couple of people say they'd like to see Shelby 'mothering' or comforting Rachel, I have an idea for how I could set that up but it would involve me using Will as the 'bad guy' again, is that something you'd be okay with or would you rather I came up with something else?
Shelby flopped onto her bed after her shower, she was exhausted, wasn't sure if her legs would ever work again, could feel the muscles in her thighs twitching randomly from the exertion. She'd put her robe on after her shower so, when she heard a gentle knock on her door, she pulled the blanket up over her legs before calling for them to come in. She'd expected it to be Rachel so she was surprised to find Leroy stepping through the door, "I will eat something" she told him, "I just…"
"Shelby" he stopped her, "it's not, I believe you, I didn't come to talk to you about that.
And anyway…" he gestured to the banana skin on the bedside table, "you've already eaten something" he smiled, "but I went out when you were on your run. I got you these" he told her as he held out a bag from the pharmacy down the street. Shelby frowned and opened the bag, her frown growing when she pulled out nicotine patches and gum. "You don't have to stop immediately, you don't have to stop at all if you don't want to, and I'm sorry if you, if I've crossed a line, but I thought that if you had these then you could stop whenever you feel ready."
Shelby smiled at the thought, "I… thank you."
"Like I said, you don't have to use them, but if you feel ready to stop, well, I thought this might be easier than you quitting cold turkey."
Leroy didn't stay much longer, leaving so Shelby could get dressed, Shelby promising him she'd be down soon. She laid back down on the bed once Leroy had left, her gaze drifting to the bag on the bedside table. 'You really struggled with that run' the voice in her head reminded her, 'you're unfit but you're not that unfit. That coughing fit you had wasn't due to a lack of fitness either. Just do it. If you can go to therapy and sort the mess in your head out for Rachel's sake then you should be able to stop smoking for her too.'
She reached for the bag and took out the box of nicotine patches, sighing quietly as she read the back of the box before opening it up and pulling out the more detailed information leaflet. It took her a while, she read through the leaflet and then spent a while talking herself into it, she didn't know why she was so reluctant, she knew what she was doing was for the best, but for a reason she couldn't identify, she was still reluctant to stop. 'Just try it for today' the voice in her head suggested, 'see if you can get through the rest of today without another cigarette. They're only downstairs, you can still have one if you need one.' Eventually she just went for it, reminding herself that she still had her cigarettes, she could still go for a smoke if she wanted to, as she stuck the small square of plastic to her left thigh, quickly pulling on a pair of sweatpants, hoping that she'd forget all about it if she couldn't see it. She pulled on a sweatshirt too before opening the gum, reading through the information that came with that, pushing the paper back in the box as she snapped off a row of the pouches of gum, pushing them into her pocket before making her way downstairs.
"Mom" Rachel beamed as Shelby walked into the kitchen, "you were ages, I thought you might have needed a nap or something" she teased.
Shelby laughed, "not yet, but I'm not going to promise that I'll be awake all afternoon" she said honestly before glancing over to her daughter, "what are you making?" she asked.
"Avocado toast" Rachel gestured to the bowl where she was mashing up an avocado, "there's plenty if you want some."
Shelby bit her lip slightly before nodding, she wasn't particularly hungry but she'd promised Leroy she'd eat, and she knew Rachel would worry if she didn't, "that would be nice, thank you."
"Okay" Rachel took out the bread, "one slice or two?"
"Just one please."
Rachel dropped three slices of wholemeal bread into the toaster, topping them with the avocado once they were ready, "here you go" she handed Shelby a plate and some cutlery, "do you want tea or coffee or anything?" she offered.
Shelby shook her head, "I'll just get myself a glass of water thanks. Do you want anything?"
"Water would be good" Rachel put her plate down beside Shelby's on the table, "thanks Mom."
Shelby couldn't stop the corners of her mouth curling into a soft smile when she heard Rachel call her Mom, didn't think she'd ever get sick of hearing it, "you're welcome Rach.
They moved through to the living room once they'd eaten, finding Hiram and Leroy chatting on the couch, "hey" they both smiled when they saw Rachel and Shelby, "good run?" Hiram asked.
"Yeah" Rachel smiled as she flopped down between her fathers, "it made a nice change from my elliptical. I don't know if Mom would agree though."
There it was again, those three letters that made Shelby's heart swell with love. "She's fast" Shelby chuckled.
"Did you know Mom was on the track team in high school?" Rachel asked her fathers, both men shaking their head in response, "she hurdled and she said she ran 5k in 25 minutes a couple of times!"
"Yeah, don't think I could manage it now though" Shelby said as she crossed the room, curling herself up in the armchair and pulling the blanket around herself as she had done so many times since she'd moved in. She didn't know why she found it so comforting but she did, and it wasn't long before she lost track of the conversation going on around her and found herself slowly falling asleep.
Hiram smiled sadly when he saw Shelby had fallen asleep, briey wondering just how long she'd been running on empty, how exhausted she must be to fall asleep almost every time she sat down. He remembered from his own struggle, the seemingly endless nights of laying wide awake, mentally working out how much sleep you'd get if you fell asleep right that minute, the days when you had absolutely zero energy but had to put on a happy face and try and get on with your life, had to pretend like everything was okay when every action felt like it took everything you had. He sighed sadly, at least she was getting some rest now.
She slept for almost two hours, frowning slightly as she opened her eyes. "You fell asleep" Hiram told her softly, "you're okay."
Shelby nodded, shaking her head to try and clear her head of sleep and wake herself up a little, "where's…"
"Rachel?" Shelby nodded, "she's in her room finishing off her homework. Leroy's working in the office." Shelby nodded again, struggling to rid herself of the fatigue she felt rolling over her body, "why don't you go to bed if you're still tired?"
Shelby shook her head and stretched before tucking her limbs back under the blanket. "I struggle to fall asleep as it is anyway, if I go to bed now I'll be up all night."
"Do you want a coffee?" it was a rare offer from Hiram, he knew caffeine always worsened his anxiety when things were bad, so he usually opted to make tea for Shelby.
She nodded and pushed herself to her feet, "I'm going to go out for..." she stopped herself saying she was going out for a cigarette when she remembered she was trying to go without, "I'll make one on my way out" she nodded.
"Okay" Hiram smiled, watching as Shelby folded the blanket and placed it back over the armchair, happy that she seemed to feel at home with them.
Shelby glanced over at the side as she made her coffee, eyes falling on her cigarettes, fingers itching to pick them up and take them outside with her, 'just today' the voice in her head encouraged her, 'try and go without today and then have one in the morning.' She closed her eyes as she picked up her mug, caffeine and nicotine gum would have to do for now.
As always she took her seat at the patio table, putting down her mug and taking a piece of gum from her pocket, popping it from the blister pack before putting it in her mouth. She found strange comfort in the repetitive motion of chewing the gum and then using her tongue to push it between her gum and cheek, it wasn't the same as having a cigarette, but she supposed it would have to do.
She ran her hands through her hair, sighing at the amount of strands that came out between her fingers, it was the same every time she brushed or washed her hair, and she knew it probably had a lot to do with how little she'd been eating recently, knew that her poor eating habits probably contributed to her constant lack of energy too but she felt powerless to do anything about it. She knew she could talk about it, she could tell Hiram or Leroy or even her therapist, but she knew they'd ask why she wasn't eating and she didn't have an answer for that. Her appetite had been none existent for a while, but some days she managed to force herself to eat, some days all it took was one bite of food to remind her how ravenous she was, but other days, every mouthful sat like a tonne of bricks in her stomach. There was always the worry too that, if she did mention it to someone, they'd think she was doing it on purpose, that she was choosing not to eat, and she didn't want that, not after… she shook her head, she didn't want to think about that, couldn't think about it, no, she just had to keep going, had to keep forcing her body to take food it didn't particularly want. 'For Rachel' the voice in her head reminded her, 'you're doing this for Rachel.'
Shelby found herself so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realise how long she'd been sat outside, didn't hear the back door opening or the footsteps walking towards her. She didn't even realise how cold she was until she felt the thick blanket from the back of the armchair being draped over her shoulders and she jumped slightly before looking up to see Leroy sitting in the chair beside her, placing another mug of coffee in front of her along with a protein bar, "you've been out here for nearly an hour" he told her, "and you slept through lunch."
Shelby nodded but made no attempt to reach for either the coffee or the protein bar. "Thanks."
Leroy smiled, "I noticed your cigarettes are on the kitchen side…"
"Yeah, I…" Shelby frowned and took the gum from her mouth, she'd completely forgotten about it, chewing it for so long it was like a tiny ball of rubber. She gestured vaguely to it before dropping it into the ashtray than had found a home on the table.
"You didn't have to stop immediately" Leroy reached for Shelby's hand, rubbing it between his when he felt how cold it was, "that's not why I bought you the gum and the patches."
"I know and I…" she sighed, "I just wanted to see if I could do it, I keep telling myself that it's just for today, if I want a cigarette in the morning I can have one."
"I sense a 'but' there."
Shelby nodded, "if I get through today, no matter how much I might want one in the morning, I know I won't let myself have one."
"You know it's okay if you do" Leroy told her, "right now, it's okay if you need that crutch to get you through the day."
"And what about when it stops being okay for me to need it?"
Leroy hated how hard Shelby always seemed to be on herself and wished, not for the first time, that she was able to step outside her body, to see herself how others saw her, "it won't. Yes smoking is unhealthy, yes it has negative side effects but there are much worse vices you could have Shelby. If, right now, smoking is helping you, then that's okay, you can think about stopping when you're feeling better, when you're not struggling so much." Shelby nodded but said nothing," would you like me to fetch them for you?"
She shook her head, "I want to get through the rest of today without one."
"Okay" Leroy didn't push her, but he reached out to gently stroke her back, "why don't we go back inside hey? You're freezing, and Rachel's back downstairs, we could all watch a movie or something."
"Yeah" Shelby gave Leroy an obviously forced smile, "that would be good."
Nobody was surprised when Shelby curled herself up in the armchair on her return to the living room, and Hiram and Leroy weren't particularly surprised when Rachel moved to join her, the teen curling into Shelby's side in the large chair, what did surprise them though was the way Shelby gently tugged on Rachel's thigh, encouraging her daughter to lay her legs over her own, the way they'd been when they'd napped together a few days earlier, and they couldn't help but smile at Rachel's happy little sigh as Shelby shifted to open the blanket wrapped around her shoulders so she could tuck Rachel up with her, cradling her like an infant. "I love you Mom" Rachel murmured as her head fell onto Shelby's shoulder.
Shelby smiled and gently ghosted her lips over Rachel's forehead before whispering, "I love you too Rach."She was surprised when Rachel fell asleep in her arms less than half an hour later, "she was teasing me earlier" she said as she turned slightly towards Hiram and Leroy, "I took a while to come down after my shower and she said she thought I'd needed a nap. It turns out I'm not the only one."
"She never really naps. She never has" Hiram told her, "from being about eight or nine months old it was just several quick cat naps, like she was too scared to miss anything. The only time she'd have a good nap was if we were on a long drive and she'd nod off in the car."
"I bet that was fun."
"Not the word I'd choose" Leroy laughed, "but she was a good baby, we'll have to find out the photo albums, let you see them."
"Yeah" Shelby nodded, glancing down at the teen sleeping against her chest, "I'd like that."
"I think we've got the home videos somewhere too" Hiram added, "we'll have to get those put on DVD to show you too we've got her first dance recital, things like that, she's always been just like you."
Leroy excused himself to make a start on dinner when Rachel woke, but Rachel made no effort to move, content to stay in her Mom's arms for a while longer. In fact, Rachel only stood when Leroy announced that dinner was ready, "are you eating with us?" she asked Shelby, who'd made no attempt to move from the chair.
Shelby's initial instinct was to say no, she wasn't hungry, she really wasn't, even though she'd missed lunch she really wasn't hungry, she had no appetite, but when she saw the hopeful look in Rachel's eyes, she found herself nodding and allowing Rachel to take her hand and lead her into the kitchen.
"It's chicken with potatoes and vegetables" Leroy told Shelby, "or a butternut squash and chickpea wellington if you don't want the chicken. Is that okay?" he wasn't sure if Shelby would be joining them or not, but when he'd seen her walking into the kitchen with Rachel he'd made a split second decision to leave everything in large serving bowls, allowing everyone to help themselves so Shelby didn't feel overwhelmed by a large plateful of food.
"Yeah" she nodded, "sounds great, thanks."
As expected, she didn't eat much, just picking at a little bit of chicken and a few vegetables, but she at least ate something which reassured Hiram and Leroy, but only slightly. She insisted on clearing the table once they'd finished eating, Rachel helping her with the dishes before Shelby excused herself, picking up her cigarettes and making her way out to the back yard. She had no intention of smoking one, but she didn't want Rachel to get suspicious, didn't want her daughter knowing she was trying to quit incase she failed.
"I think I'm going to go to bed" she said once she'd spent a while outside chewing another piece of gum, it was barely 7.30, but she was exhausted, and, despite knowing sleep was unlikely, she at least wanted to try.
She wasn't at all surprised when, a little after 10pm, she felt someone slipping into bed beside her and she rolled over, smiling softly when she saw Rachel, "I didn't mean to wake you" she apologised.
"You didn't" Shelby reached out and took Rachel's hand, "I haven't managed to fall asleep yet."
"Oh" Rachel frowned, "is there anything I can do?"
Shelby shook her head, "it sounds silly, but just being here is… I, I always seem to sleep better when you're here."
"Really?"
"Yeah" Shelby gently stroked her thumb over the back of Rachel's hand, "I think, I don't know, you being here obviously relaxes me enough to let me fall asleep."
"Then I'll keep sleeping in here" Rachel told her, "until you can figure out how to fall asleep on your own then I don't mind sleeping in here."
Shelby reached out with her free hand and stroked at Rachel's cheek, "you don't need to do that."
"I know but I'd like to" Rachel said softly, "I want to help."
They spoke for a little while longer, but once they settled down, once they turned out the light, Shelby quickly found herself following Rachel into slumber.
She'd set her alarm a little earlier the next morning, and, despite knowing what she was going to do later that day, she felt strangely calm as she washed and dressed, as always, the first one downstairs. She made herself a coffee and took it outside with a yoghurt, a banana and a piece of nicotine gum, 'just go without this one, make it to a nice round 24 hours and then have a cigarette in your free period' she told herself as she put the gum into her mouth.
"Morning" Leroy was downstairs when Shelby came back into the kitchen, "did you…"
"I had a piece of gum" Shelby handed over her mug for Leroy to refill, "and put a fresh patch on."
"Shelby…"
She shook her head, "I, I'm managing" she told him, "I, I've started now, it… I, I feel like I've lost control of a lot of things recently, but this, it's something I'm in control of."
"Okay" he handed her mug back, "but you know none of us would judge you if it was too much right now?"
"You're the only one that knows" Shelby told him, I… "
"I won't say anything" Leroy promised.
As had become usual, Rachel stood when Shelby went to leave, stepping around the table and wrapping her Mom in a tight hug that Shelby was only too happy to return. "You're seeing your therapist today right?" Shelby asked, her guilt about Rachel needing a therapist something Shelby was working through in her own therapy sessions.
"Yeah" Shelby felt Rachel nod against her chest, "Daddy's taking me, my appointment is at 9.30."
Shelby thought for a moment before telling her daughter, "I have a meeting in my free period today, but I'm free at lunch, if you want to call me and talk about it… you don't have to of course, but if you do…"
"I can call you?" Rachel lifted her head from Shelby's face to look her in the eye, "really?"
"Really" Shelby nodded, "but only if it's what you want, I'd understand if you'd rather not."
"I'll see how it goes" Rachel said, her arms still wrapped around Shelby's waist, I erm, I might just want to talk about it tonight when we're home if that's okay?"
Shelby smiled softly and nodded, "like I said, it's up to you Rach, whatever you're most comfortable with." She brushed Rachel's hair from her face so she could kiss her forehead, "I need to go so I'm not late, I'll text you later, when I'm leaving Carmel?"
Rachel nodded, letting her head fall back against Shelby's chest for a second, "I'd appreciate that, thank you."
"Okay" Shelby kissed the top of Rachel's head before Rachel eventually pulled away from the hug to let her Mom go to work. "Have a good day."
"You too, I love you Mom."
Shelby thought nothing would ever make her happier than hearing Rachel call her Mom, she was wrong. Hearing Rachel say she loved her was a million times better than that, "I love you too" Shelby smiled, gently squeezing Rachel's arm as she picked up her lunch and the travel mug of coffee Leroy always made her for the drive to Carmel, saying her goodbyes to Hiram and Leroy before making her way out to her car.