Chapter 19.

When Dean and Cas returned to the bunker, late at night and looking tired, Sam followed them to Dean's room, trying to speak to either of them. Cas said nothing. Dean suddenly raised a hand like a shield and said, "I'm not talking. I'm not thinking. I'm going to my room and I'm checking out for the night. And I'll do the same tomorrow if this isn't fixed."

"Can't we just ... " Sam began.

"No." said Dean, "Cas will switch me off."

"I wish you wouldn't say it like that." said Cas, "It sounds fatal."

"Just think of it like a light." said Dean, "Lights don't die when you flip the switch down, they just stop shining where they shouldn't. Then people can get some rest."

"What happened that has you both so freaked?" said Sam.

"My head happened. It keeps happening and it's happening to Cas, who has quite enough dark stuff of his own to deal with." They were at Dean's door. He went in and threw himself onto the bed. "Do it, Cas. Kill the light."

Cas reached out and then stopped. "You're afraid."

"This part always makes me nervous." said Dean.

"No, not nervous, not uncomfortable, afraid." said Cas.

"Ignore it. I'm fine."

"Neither of you seems fine." said Sam.

"Shut up, Sam. It's this or a night of torture for Cas, maybe literally. You think Cas deserves that?" Dean looked at Cas. "Just do it. It's peace. It's oblivion. Right now, I would pay a lot for that. And Sam, just fix this as fast as you can."

Hesitantly, Cas reached out again and put him to sleep. He then fetched a chair, put it beside Dean's bed and sat down.

"What are you doing?" said Sam.

"I'm watching over Dean." said Cas.

"Dean's safe. You've stopped any dreams, good or bad and the bunker is secure. You should get some rest."

"Angels don't rest." said Cas, sounding so tired that Sam wished he had the power to grant sleep to angels.

Sam sat on the bed. "Cas, what's wrong?"

"I can't talk about this to you."

"Why not?" said Sam, "You think I won't understand?"

"Sam, this is bad."

"We've been through bad together before. We've been through worse. You can tell me anything. Dean's out of it, he can't hear a thing. It's okay."

"It's not okay, Sam. I did this. I opened the link."

"No you didn't." said Sam, "It just happened."

"It didn't just happen. I did it." said Cas.

"How did you do it?"

"I don't know." said Cas.

"No, that's what I thought. If you'd consciously opened the link, you'd remember how you did it and you'd know how to reverse it. You're not to blame."

"Don't think I missed the word 'consciously' tucked in there." said Cas.

"If you did it unconsciously, it's not your fault." said Sam, "None of us, not even you, know all the powers and potentials of angels. Maybe something happened because of your powers and your need to be closer to Dean, but you didn't make it happen and neither I nor Dean will ever blame you for it. I also think maybe Dean's need to be closer to you was part of it."

"Dean hates every second of this."

"You said you did." said Sam.

"I hate what it does to Dean."

"And he hates what it does to you. Cas, it's not bad to enjoy a little mental intimacy. You think I'd feel bad if I had the ability to get past all the walls and talk to Dean without all the BS? It's not wrong to want that. It's not selfish to love someone."

"Dean would disagree. If you ever tell him about this ... "

"No, Cas, I won't. I wish you two would be honest with each other, but I will never tell him something you told me in confidence. I know what a minefield any relationship with Dean is. Hell, I've bounced off every mine there is. I don't wanna make it harder for either of you. I'm just trying to help."

"He said my guilt hurt worse than his. Can you imagine something worse than his guilt?"

Sam smiled. Cas had no idea how intense and painful his own feelings were in comparison to the human version. Cas had none of the emotional resilience humans acquired over a lifetime of pain and confusion. Angels were not designed to feel emotions, much less to be submerged in guilt because they felt they had crossed a line in some relationship with a human. It was both too small and too large a thing for the angel programming to deal with. It was human and it hurt and he was still so new to it all.

If Cas had told Dean all that he had just told Sam, Dean would have understood and he would have been more worried about Cas than any boundaries being broken. Sam understood, though, why Cas was mortally ... immortally afraid of saying anything. He and Dean each felt unworthy of the other's friendship and each had a dread of reminding the other of the imbalance and seeing the other shrug and walk away.

To Cas, Dean's near panic about the mind link was clearly based on anger that Cas was intruding, willingly or not, on his privacy. Sam saw it differently. Dean's rejection of the wards, because they treated Cas like an enemy to be repelled, his constant repetition of how much he hated the link and wanted it gone, for Cas, all of his reactions and declarations made clear that he felt Cas was suffering by being able to experience his unedited thoughts and feelings and he felt he was tormenting his friend. There was also guilt in Dean's reaction and Sam was sure it was very similar to Castiel's. Each felt bad because, at times, the link that was hurting their best friend felt so good.

But it was no good trying to explain any of that to Cas. Angels didn't rest, so he had no easy refuge from the distress that was shredding his nerves and torturing his being. All the understanding in the world could not persuade him of anything in this state. Cas needed kindness.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" said Sam.

"No, you need to sleep." said Cas, but his eyes showed gratitude for the offer.

"You don't need to stay here with him." said Sam.

"I do." said Cas, "There's nothing else I can do for him. I don't like stopping his dreams. He was beginning to work things out in his dreams."

"He said you saw one where he tortured you."

"At Sarah's place, she and I went into the dream with him. We were trying to help, but he couldn't let go of the guilt."

"Was it dream you or real you that got tortured?" said Sam.

"It was Dean." said Cas.