Magic is Force: Chapter 16
As he sat upon the cool, damped grass in the shadow of a willow tree, Karn focused on one thing – his breathing. For the past hour, Karn spent most of the evening practicing his breathing, a method of meditating developed by Angela for his training. The past week and a half of traveling along the road, south to Surda, Angela had Karn practice on solely his breathing.
At first, Karn was confused why Angela only wanted him to simply breathe. Actually, to sit, breathe, and do nothing is what confused him. Surprisingly, Karn was expecting his training to be a little bit more rigorous involving some sort of physical task, rather than sitting and doing nothing.
When Karn asked Angela the purpose of doing nothing, she said that it was the first step of his training and that the key to controlling one's emotions was through breathing. Breathing? Being able to control ones emotions through breathing? Seems hard to believe that the Dark Side is easily conquerable through breathing.
With some reluctance, Karn complied with Angela's orders. Every night before drifting off to sleep, Angela would have him go off some distance away from camp; away from distractions Karn would sit for a period of time and attempt to sit and breathe. Since that time, the herbalist has yet asked him to do anything else.
As the week went on Karn spent countless hours, at night, sitting still and breathing. With eyes closed and deep inhales of breath, he went about his nightly meditation. Within the first week, Karn could already see a slight change in his disposition. One night when he returned to the camp, Angela was still up, kindling the bonfire, waiting for him and she event noted about it. Solembum was nowhere to be seen; Karn assumed that the werecat had gone out into nearby area in such of food or perhaps merely exploring. "Ah I see you've returned. How did tonight's exercise go? Well I hope," Angela asked.
Sitting down on his sleeping mat, Karn unhooked his lightsabers from his belt, and laid on his back, eyes closed and still continued on with his breathing. "Surprisingly yes. To be honest Angela, I had thought you were daft making me do nothing. But it turns out, I have become calmer. I have not been brooding over ill thoughts, which have been plaguing me as of late."
Prodding the end of the bonfire with a wooden poker, Angela continued to gaze blankly into the far, "That is must wonderful news to hear indeed. Do you understand why I've selected this specific exercise for you?"
Twisting his body over to his side, allowing him to see Angela with ease, he propped his head up with his arm, anchoring it. He stared into the dancing flames as well and reflected back over the past several days of his breathing exercises. Like he stated, Karn had stopped thinking about the events that had past, and the emotions that were associated with them. "Well, I've noticed that when I'm quite into the exercise, my thoughts are trained on maintaining steady breathing – nothing else."
"That's the lesson I wanted you to learn from this. Surprisingly, you picked that up quite quickly. It's commendable. The purpose of this exercise was to let go of your thoughts and emotions and turn your attention to something other than those." The snapping of a piece of wood pierced the night as a log began to fall out of place on the bonfire. Quickly, Angela readjusted the burning log back into position on the burning pile of wood. "Breathing is the first step of letting go of all thoughts, all emotions, and all worldly distractions. In some cases, people experience a sense of clarity or tranquility."
The meaning behind the exercise surprised Karn, moderately. His gaze changed from the burning pile of wood to the young woman sitting alongside the fire, the light of the flames dancing across her body but brightening her face. Karn stared at Angela with a sense of awe that he had always shown to his masters out of admiration of their wisdom. Karn never thought of breathing in that way until she described it to him.
He continued to stare at the herbalist, watching the light illuminate her face, casting an orange, red, and yellow hue to her feature. It made her complexion fair and Karn could see the smoothness of her rosy cheeks. The fire casted shadows around her figure, but Karn could make out her physique – the curvature in her figure from her hips to her bosom. What attracted his attention though were her amber eyes which glowed brighter in the light of the blazing fire. A single emotion went through Karn that caused him to feel unease.
Karn's heart began to quickly beat in pace and he felt himself become excited. His breathing increased and his blood began to pulsate. The mere thought of lust put him on edge and he quickly shook his head trying to dispel the cardinal thought. Returning to lay on his back, Karn closed his eyes and began breathe – attempting to quell the emotions. Taking notice of his change in posture, Angela peered over from her spot by the fire and gazed at Karn. "Are you alright?"
Lifting a hand in the air, Karn waved it up and down in affirmation, "Yes. I'm alright…just felt like practicing my breathing some more…that's all."
Attempting to drown out all distractions, Karn turned all his attention to maintaining his breathing, inhaling and exhaling in deep consecutive intervals. However, the sound of Angela getting up and her footsteps approaching him, interfered with his meditation. He could feel her approach as the footsteps stopped right next to him. Opening his eyes, Karn was surprised to see her kneeling down next to him, her face filled with a curious look. "Are you sure you're fine?" she asked.
Nodding his head Karn replied, "Of course. I'm perfectly fine." Angela continued to stare at him with her curious expression. "Very well." Karn was about to shut his eyes before he felt a pressure place on his chest which caused them to fly back open. His sapphire eyes locked in place with Angela's amber irises and Karn began to feel flustered once again. His heart began to quicken but he tried desperately to calm himself or else be known by the herbalist.
In a mere, gentle whisper Angela said, "If there is anything bothering you Karn, please tell me. Do not try to push yourself to much. Understood?"
Mesmerized by Angela's gentle words and her glowing amber eyes, Karn couldn't help but let his heart race. There was no stopping it. His cheeks began to feel warm along with his ears. He was too nervous to say anything and simply nodded. A small smile grew on Angela's face and she removed her hand from his chest and raised herself up to full height. "That's good to hear. Get some rest Karn. We've still got a few more weeks before we reach Surda. And you'll need your rest in order to progress in your training." Angela walked across the camp to her own bedroll, which was already rolled out, and laid herself down. Drawing the long green cloak around herself, Angela turned herself away from the fire, her face out of Karn's sight.
Karn stared at her back for a few moments before collecting himself. His heart was still pumping quickly and his whole body felt on edge. Shaking his head, Karn closed his eyes and took in a deep breath of air and held it for a minute before releasing it. His body began to immediately calm down as Karn took in a second breath of air and repeated the process of his meditating. He did this for several minutes before his mind became clear and his attention turned to focus on maintaining his breathing. Soon his body felt relaxed and tired and Karn felt himself drifting off to sleep.
As the next few days carried on, Karn continued his breathing exercises at night but Angela soon had him incorporate his training as they traveled along the road. Soon, Karn was able to maintain a clear sense of awareness and it became nearly second nature to him. The herbalist was amazed at the speed of his accomplishment and hastily moved him along to the next step of his training.
In order for Karn to control his emotions, breathing was required. Drawing all his attention and focus on breathing the Grey Knight was able to drown out outside distractions, internally and externally. The second step of his training required him to be active but maintaining clarity; Angela called this 'moving meditation'.
Upon inquiring about its purpose Angela responded in one of her mocking tones. "Any fool or brainless idiot can barged right into a fight and quickly get distracted, either by their own emotions or stupidity; or by the surrounding environment. The purpose of practicing 'moving meditation' is for you to reduce distractions and to focus on a specific task."
"And what task will you have me perform?" Karn asked one early afternoon as he and Angela were traveling down the road. Changing her method of travel, Angela decided to walk alongside Karn while Solembum – who had returned to their campsite several days earlier – was curled up on the saddle with more room to lounge.
"The task I have in mind is more hands on and requires great focus. Do you believe you are ready to handle the task?" Angela asked while pulling the reigns of the mare, guiding it along.
Excitement grew in Karn's chest at the thought of finally performing a task. He was eager to do something physical and challenging at that. His motivation skyrocketed and he quickly answered Angela's question, "I'm already ecstatic to start this part of the training. I'm ready to start whenever you are."
"That's good to hear," she said giving a quick smirk to him. "I hope you're ready for it. It may be the most challenging task you have yet to ever do."
That following night, the herbalist and Grey Knight went about their nightly practices of setting up camp, preparing and eating dinner, and Karn going about his nightly meditations. Upon Karn's completion of his meditations, he was shocked when he returned to camp to find Angela standing by the bonfire, stripped of all clothing aside from short green leggings and a tan, loose fit tunic, exposing much of her skin. Her hair was hung up into a bun using a clasp revealing her bright amber eyes; as Karn gazed at her he could see a sense of determination on her face.
Seeing Angela in such attire made Karn awkward. Never had he ever been in a presence of a woman who wore such an attire that revealed so much of themselves. His ears began to get red and his cheeks became flushed. "W-what's going on Angela?" he asked nervously.
"Take off your clothes," she said simply.
The words smacked Karn with a force that made him speechless. He stood and stared blankly, wondering if the words he had just heard were actually spoken. "I beg your pardon?"
Placing her hands on her hips, Angela's eyebrows furrowed in, "Take off your clothes Karn." Her voice had a hint of irritation mixed with it.
By the Force, where is she going with this?! he thought to himself.
"It's time you to start the next phase of your training," Angela said as she picked up a stick, laying on the ground. Instantly, Karn felt relieved. The situation just now put him in a state of confusion and panic; he wasn't even sure what he was supposed to do. Now knowing that it was for his training he could, to some degree, agree to Angela's command.
Moving off to the side of the camp where his bedroll laid spread out, Karn proceeded to strip himself of his clothes, except for his pants which he decided to leave on – for decency. The cold night made him shiver down his spine. His chest was bare and in the light of the bonfire, Karn could make out the new formed skin that traced where his wounds once were, inflicted onto him by Durza.
While Karn took off his clothes, Angela drew a teen foot circle in the dirt with the stick then tossed it into the fire. "Alright Karn, are you ready?" she asked.
"What is it exactly that you are having me do, Angela?" Karn came over and stood beside her. He crossed his arms as a brisk wind came though the camp.
"In order for you to gain better control over your emotions, you've first got to learn how to close yourself off to the world. That was why I had you practice your breathing. However, that method of meditation doesn't exactly work in a fight." She stretched out a finger and poked him right in the chest, in emphasis. "Every time you lose control of your emotions, you can't expect your enemies to give you some time to center yourself. You have to be able to achieve harmony even in the midst of battle."
"Is that even possible," asked Karn, taken aback by her explanation.
"If it wasn't, I wouldn't be teaching you this." She said mockingly. Walking into the circle Angela began to stretch out her arms and legs by contorting each of her limbs over the other. With a wave of her hand, Angela beckoned Karn to join her inside the circle. "Stretch."
He did as she said and Karn began to stretch out his arms and legs, going into deep lunges, and rolling his back down to stretch out his back muscles. "You know," he said before having to pause to stretch out his leg, "you never told me what my task entails."
"You're right, I haven't." Karn outstretched his arm, making sure he had all the muscles stretched and loose. Suddenly, Angela reached out and gripped his wrist. Then sweeping her leg behind his opposing leg, Angela threw Karn down to the ground. A slight yell escaped his lips at the sudden take down.
"What was that for?" he growled.
With arms outstretched Angela exclaimed, "This is your task! Every night now, you and I shall engage in a sparring match. Your goal is to defeat me without giving in to your emotions; you must maintain control. In addition, you must be able to keep aware of your surroundings."
"Is that all?" he asked.
Angela nodded her head and held out her hand, offering it to Karn. "That's all."
"Sounds simple enough," he commented. He accepted Angela's offer and she hoisted him back up, with surprising strength. As Karn came up to his full height, Angela never let go of his grip however. Instead, she reached up with her free hand and wrapped behind Karn's neck and flung him back down onto the ground. Before he could even make an attempt of getting off the ground, Angela pounced on top of his chest, pinning him.
Grunting at having his body being abused so easily and by being taken down by a woman, Karn was becoming agitated. Struggling to gain the advantage, Karn attempted to flip Angela over by elevating her off him and rolling over. However, the herbalist gripped his wrist again and pinched a nerve along the bone, making Karn's arm erupt in pain. A hurtful grown escaped Karn's mouth and Angela continued to apply pressure on the point which increased the pain.
"Give up?" Angela asked, keeping pressure on Karn's point.
"Yes, yes. I give up." He patted her side with his free hand. Immediately, the pressure and pain in Karn's arm let up when Angela released her grip. She got off of Karn, and held out a hand to him. He stared at her questioningly. She continued to keep her hand for a few moments. Reluctantly, Karn took her hand and she helped him up off the ground. Remembering what had happen moments earlier, he wasn't expecting to fall for the same trick twice.
This time Karn made his strike - without warning and not wanting to let Angela make a move herself. Reaching low and around Angela's legs, Karn lifted her off the ground and quickly took her to the ground. A surprised gasp escaped from the herbalist as she hit the ground. As Karn attempted to pin her, Angela began to resist by trying to push him off. However, he quickly wrapped his legs around hers and pinned her arms behind her head.
He was pleased that he was able to pin Angela down after the two attempts, however he had failed to realize how close the two were, currently. Her attempts at resistance lowly began to wane away and he felt a sudden emotion spur inside him. It wasn't the anger and frustration he felt earlier – it was different, a sense of apprehension. As Karn gazed down at the woman underneath him, the feeling of bashfulness continued to fester inside him but he was confused - it wasn't his own feelings causing it.
Clearing her throat, Angela's voice was quiet but distinctively clear. "Th-that was quite surprising…Well done…Now can you perhaps let me up?"
"Yes, of course." Karn released Angela's hands and unlaced his legs from hers and brought himself up to full height. Returning the gesture, he held out a hand to Angela to which she accepted it. Fortunately, neither individual made an attempt to topple the other and were left standing, holding each other's hand.
As the two were left standing in the circle, looking at each other, the bashfulness in Karn's chest continued to swirl. Still bewildered by the foreign emotion Karn was about to investigate the source of the feeling before Angela quickly released his hand and backed out of the circle. She retreated to her traveling pack and pulled out a set of traveling clothes. "Why don't we call it quits for the night? You now have an idea what we will be doing for now on and that should give you some time to reflect upon your meditations," she ordered with a hint of some unknown emotion in her voice.
"Sure, that's fine," Karn replied. He too went over to his pile of folded clothes and proceeded to clothe himself while Angela went around behind her picketed mare to change. Karn laid himself down on his bedroll and went back to his early breathing exercises and thought back to earlier. He wasn't all too positive how one could maintain a sense of peace while in the midst of a fight. Karn even noted that were several instances where he had let his temper get the better of him, preventing him from thinking clearly.
If the Jedi are able to maintain serenity while fighting against the Sith, then it shouldn't be that difficult to learn. Could it? He thought to himself.
Angela emerged from behind the mare, fully clothed and walked over to the traveling bag once more to retrieve the wineskin. Uncorking it, she downed several mouthfuls of the alcoholic liquid before recorking it. Karn could sense her presence as she approached him and opened his eyes, facing her. She held out the wineskin to him to which he accepted in kind. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," she replied.
Sitting upright, Karn uncorked the wineskin and took a quick drink before handing it back over to Angela. The herbalist took several more quick mouthfuls before handing it back to Karn. "So tell me Karn, what actually happened to your family?" she asked outright.
"What do you mean?" he asked, taken aback. The subject of his family was sensitive. He never told anyone else about his family aside from Saphira, and Eragon. The last time Angela had asked him about his family, he had to lie to cover up his identity.
"The last time we met in Teirm, you said you had a family - a mother, sold to slavery, and a brother, who joined the army. Was any of that the actual truth?"
Karn stared up into the night sky contemplating whether if he should reveal his personal life to Angela. He had already revealed his identity to her, and she saved his life while fleeing from Gil'ead. And now he has put a lot of trust into her to carry out his training. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, Karn had put a great deal of trust into Angela. And upon remembering weeks ago, Karn remembered that the best way for him to longer feel alone was to let people into his life, letting them know who he truly was…I suppose it couldn't hurt.
"There was truth of what I said, from a certain point of view," he stated.
Passing the wineskin back to Karn, Angela said, "Then by all means, tell me the actual truth."
Taking a sip of the alcoholic liquid, Karn let it moisten his throat before he began to explain. "I had a family. I had a loving mother who spent countless hours working a dead-end job for a scumbag in order to make ends meet. However, I never had a father in my life – he left shortly after Kane was born. I had had a younger brother and at a young age, he possessed an odd ability to make objects float. It wasn't until later that my mother and I realized that Kane, my brother, was force-sensitive. He was taken to the Jedi Temple on the planet Coruscant for training, that was when he was ten years old and I was twelve. I've not seen Kane since..." Karn took another sip from the wineskin, the liquid finally began to take effect over him. His mind felt cloudy and his cheeks turned to a rose-red. "…He's probably twenty-three years old now."
Passing off the wineskin back, Angela said, "That must have been difficult for you."
Karn nodded his head, "It was hard to adjust. When my mother would go to work, it was just Kane and I that stayed home and managed it. But when Kane left, being home grew lonely without him."
Peering over, Karn noticed that the wineskin seemed to be taking effect on Angela also – her eyes seem to glaze over and her cheeks grew red. "And your mother? She was sold as a slave?"
"Yes," Karn said solemnly. "Six years after my brother left for the Jedi, my mother came home one day with several armed men. She explained that her boss was threatening on evicting us from our home unless she became his personal slave…My mother wanted to ensure I was taken care of. Becoming a slave was her only option."
"What happened?" Angela asked. She turned and stared intently at Karn, waiting for him to continue on with his story. She scooted closer in to him so that only a foot of space was left between them.
Karn grew exceeding flustered as the woman grew closer and tried to make an effort to stay focused, against the effects of the wine. "I attempted to stop her from leaving but her armed guards prevented me from doing so…" The memory of his mother being forcefully pulled away from the home reminded him of how alone he felt.
"…I'm sorry," Angela said.
The apologetic remark surprised Karn. However a part of him felt appreciative that someone would offer such a remark. "It's alright. I tried to free from bondage two years later though."
"Did you succeed?" Angela asked with great interest.
"No," he said bluntly. The reminder of his failure caused a sour taste to fill Karn's mouth and he bit his lower lip in frustration. "When I tried to free her, her boss nearly had me killed. I was beaten and broken and dumped in the slums of Coruscant, left to die…Never before had I felt so alone in my life. However, if it wasn't for a passing stranger that found me, and nursed me back to health, I'd be dead."
The light brush of something touching Karn's hand caught his attention and he looked down to find Angela's hand over his. She squeezed it slightly, "You've endured so much, and you carry much on your shoulders…It must be hard."
Karn sat and became transfixed on Angela. Never before had anyone offer him such kindness, aside from his mother. Not even among his time with the Grey Knights did anyone ever go out of their way to give their condolences to him.
"Sometimes yes," Karn said in a hushed voice. He looked at Angela, capturing her amber gaze and held it for a moment. Suddenly, the bashful-flustered emotion from earlier emerged again inside Karn's chest. He wasn't sure what it was but it strengthened his emotions that he held towards Angela, in an attractive sense. Without thinking, Karn gripped Angela's hand and squeezed it as well – showing his appreciation.
"Thank you Angela," he said.
"Oh? And why do I deserve your thanks?" she asked.
Karn sat there and thought it over for several moments before he stated, "For just being here to listen…I don't really tell anyone of my personal life."
"It is of no consequence," she said. "I appreciated the fact that you were truthful with me."
"I don't want to keep any secrets from you. You've done so much for me, it's the only way I can repay you," he said sincerely.
"Keep your secrets," she said quickly and took a finger and poked at his chest. "That's what makes me so interested in you."
If Karn's cheeks could get any more red, he'd probably appear as if he was a ripe apple, ready to be plucked from a true. Playfully, Karn smirked and gave a short chuckle, "Very well then, as you wish."
(Character Change)
Rising to her feet, Meetra made her way over to her bedroll and slipped underneath a blanket. "Let's get some rest Karn. The night grows late and we must be ready to leave early in the morning."
Karn slipped underneath his own blanket in acknowledgement. "Agreed. Very well then, good night Angela. Sleep well."
"You too Karn," Meetra smiled and rolled onto her side away from his gaze. Meetra was flustered from the large amount of alcohol she drank but she also from her own feelings for Karn. Over the past several days, she grew fonder of the young man and enjoyed her time traveling with him. With every day, she grew to understand the boy more and more which increased her interest with him. And now with their latest discussion, Meetra felt empathy for the Grey Knight. She never understood the hardships of his life and to finally hear it, it made her feel more connected to him.
For him to lose so much and experience such pain, it is a wonder how he is able to continue on. But he continues on, regardless of all the hardships he's face…He's definitely strong, indeed.
Meetra's heart skipped a beat as she continued to think about him. It was odd for her to feel such emotions for someone so soon. However, part of it must be due to the force-bond that she formed with him. Normally, it was prohibited by all Jedi to hold such feelings of attraction to another or else fear falling to the Darkside. But when Revan and Bastila married, it was proof to her that Jedi could fall in love and not fall to the Darkside.
Regardless though, Meetra was growing more fond of Karn. She was elated when he took her hand in his, if only momentarily. Her only worry though was how to properly tell Karn her true identity. The dilemma has been on her mind since the first day they met. But now with Meetra's attraction to Karn, she was becoming even more worried how he would react to her. It was something she had to resolve quickly or else risk losing his trust. His words from earlier rung out through her mind, "I don't want to keep any secrets from you." Karn was being truthful to him, and she felt ashamed that she was doing the exact opposite and keeping secrets from him. I've got to tell him. He needs to know… He means more to me than he really knows.