Chapter Seventeen

Cras Fortasse – 'Maybe Tomorrow'

November 28th 1988

22: 28pm

The night sky was in full bloom. Elizabeth leant forward and looked up at the sky as she fastened her seat belt, the darkness was attracting her. As she sat back she looked out and noticed how the darkness surrounded the outside world; with a sky so dark it provides the ability for the stars to shine so bright, to glisten under the observant eyes of others. They had waved goodbye and set off for a long drive back to UVA roughly four hours ago. Henry turned up the heating and put the radio on for a little added background noise. He glanced over to Elizabeth and smiled as he watched her gaze out of the window, his heart became full; she was his star, constantly shining.

'Penny for those' he broke the silence and she turned her head to face him.

'I was just thanking my lucky stars for a wonderful thanksgiving' she outstretched her arm and placed it above his knee. She ran the palm of her hand in circular motions as she smiled up at him, Henry kept stealing glances of her as he drove them home.

'I can't quite believe I am going to become an uncle' he chuckled

'I think it's great, your face lit up when you read that card from 'bump''

'I just love children, I can't wait. My first niece or nephew' his excitement grew the more he spoke.

'Yes' she laughed, she turned the volume on the radio down a little to divert her attention to him.

'You're going to be a fantastic Uncle Henry'

'Maureen will never have to worry, I will have that little one whenever I can' He beamed and Elizabeth smiled at him. She really did adore him.

'I want children one day' he explained. She tilted her head and swallowed. Henry noticed the shift in movement and glanced over.

'Is that not something you want?' he asked softly

'I hadn't really thought about it if I'm honest' she admitted and that was the truth.

'Well would you like to become a mother one day?' his tone still calm and gentle

'I, urm...I think so, but it isn't that simple' images of her own childhood invaded her mind, her fears of not being there for her child, or not being good enough through not having her own mother around overriding her desire to become a mother.

'You'll be a great dad Henry' she deflected the conversation. Henrys eyes fixated on the road ahead of him and images of his future poured into his mind.

'There are many things in my life I'd like to become; A Marine pilot, a captain one day, a professor perhaps, and a husband. But the role that excites me most is becoming a father' He spoke proudly. Elizabeth began to shift in her seat, suddenly getting uncomfortable; family was her weakness. She reached for the heating dial and turned it down, feeling flushed and overwhelmed she tried to fan her face a little.

'Are you ok?' Henry worried

'Hmm, just urm, hot' she mumbled. Henry watched her from the corner of his eye. He remained silent and gave her a few moments before speaking again

'Elizabeth?' he aired on the side of caution when calling her name. She dipped her head and sighed.

'I lied' she blurted out. Oh god. Instant regret setting in. She didn't want this conversation. Her hands clamped down onto her jumper, twisting the material between her fingers as her nervousness crept in. She daren't look at him through fear of his reaction.

'Okay...' he prolonged the words; he reached for the radio dial and switched it off. Silence and darkness surrounding them.

'My Parents' she whispered, but he heard her. He lifted his chin and looked out onto the road before him, his hands on the wheel gripped a little tighter. Did he want to hear this?

'I'm going to need a little more to work with babe' he replied, trying to keep his tone calm and reassuring, he knew communication wasn't her strong point. That much he had figured she was a young guarded soul.

Elizabeth couldn't speak; suddenly her voice had left her. Her chest was heavy and her breathing labile. She closed her eyes and held herself together. Now is not the time to fall apart. She cursed herself; she often tried to pride herself on being a strong independent woman, but even she needed a day off.

'Babe' he pushed her. He knew from the silence that screamed at his ears this was going to be big. The words I lied were already twisting inside his mind.

'They...they're urm. Five years ago they went to get a milkshake. They took my brother Will...I, I didn't go, and I had a test to revise for. I...whoa' she paused. Tears creeping in her eyes and the lump in her throat growing. Henry reached over and placed his hand in hers, holding it tight, resting it on her leg as he continued to drive.

'Go on, it's ok' He reassured her and she took a few breaths to gain composure before continuing.

'They crashed, a drunken driver came up the road the wrong way, and they swerved and urm... Will was the only survivor' she whispered. She had some degree of control as she spoke, but as soon as she felt the warmth from her leg disappear the tears formed. Upon hearing her words Henry retracted his hand and re-gripped the steering wheel before him. Her tears spilling down her cheeks and dripping into her lap fast. She clenched her teeth together to stop the sobs escaping her mouth.

'You said' he swallowed hard. 'You said you were estranged' came his words through gritted teeth. Elizabeth jumped to her defence

'I know, I know I did' she turned her posture to face him. She pulled her knee up into her chest as she spoke

'It wasn't a lie; well it was but not completely. I was only sixteen when they died, Will was just thirteen. We had to stay with my aunt and uncle and well. My aunt was, and still is under the impression that 'If I got my nose out of the books and went with them, then they would have left later and that drunken driver would have been and gone before they were even on the road' It was a guilt that I couldn't live with, so when they sent me to boarding school I started to go back less and less. I last saw them three years ago. I am estranged from them and my brother' she sighed sadly.

Henry remained silent. She had lied to protect herself, he could understand that. Heck he had lied to her to protect her, but his insides coiled, he thought she trusted him.

'I am so sorry Henry' she broke the silence, the whimper in her voice nipping at his ears.

'You had the chance to tell me and you didn't, am I really that bad?' he looked over to her for the first time. Her eyes strained, her breathing hitched and her teeth biting at the side of her cheek. She shook her head, unable to speak, the emotion consuming her.

'I thought you trusted me' he whispered turned his attention back to the road. He took the exit towards UVA, just ninety minutes of their journey left.

'I do trust you Henry, I trust you like I've trusted no one else' she stressed, the strain in her voice evident

'That is not strictly true, you trusted Maureen with the truth and not me, and I am guessing that is why you both went for a walk' His tone increasing in annoyance with her. She dipped her head.

'I asked her to tell the family when we left, so you didn't have to' she admitted

'Oh well thanks for protecting me' he replied sarcastically. She ran her hand through her hair.

'Henry please, please understand I didn't –'

'I understand why you did it; I just don't understand why you thought it was necessary with me' he replied honestly, the hurt in his voice speaking volumes.

'I'm sorry' she whispered although she had no hope that it was any good now.

Henry didn't reply. The silence consumed them for the rest of the journey. Henry cursing himself for turning off the radio. They literally sat in radio silence. Every now and then a small whimper could be heard from Elizabeth as she resumed her position and looked out of the window. Henry wanted to reach out, tell her it would be ok but he was so annoyed at her. He needed to process the information. She lied to him. He thought he meant more to her than that.

He drove down the familiar road towards her home; he indicated to turn right and slowly pulled up outside her apartment. Elizabeth realised where they were and turned to face him. Her eyes swollen and raw, her nose red and streaming as she wiped her face with her sleeves, desperation in her eyes.

'I thought we were going to yours?' she tried to be strong, but failed on this occasion. Henry smiled sadly and wiped a tear from her eye with his thumb. He lingered his hand on her cheek and she pressed her head into his palm; his reassuring touch giving her a tiny beacon of hope.

'I think it's best we have some time apart, I need to think about this Elizabeth, I thought we were on the same page in this relationship but It doesn't appear we are' his words were hushed and full of emotion. She shook her head and inhaled, her breath shaking as it raked through her body.

'I'm sorry'

'It's ok, I understand I really do, please don't be sorry. I just need some space ok' He cupped her face with both hands and tilted her face so she looked at him. Henry noticed that her eyes were lost. He dipped his head and sighed

'I'll speak to you soon' He breathed and she nodded. She got the picture. She stepped out of the car and grabbed her bag from the back. As she walked towards her front door Henry wound down the window to wish her goodnight. Elizabeth whipped her head around and looked at him. Both of them wrapped in hurt and torment, lies and deception as prominent as the darkness.

'Will I see you tomorrow?' she almost pleaded, her leg shaking

'Elizabeth it's nearly four in the morning, go and get some sleep' her bottom lip trembled at his words, how could her relationship be falling apart before it even began.

'It's ok, I understand. You can leave. They all do'. She whispered and turned her back, pushing the key into her door and slamming it shut behind her. Once in the sanctuary of her house she broke. She dropped to the floor beneath her feel and wept. She never thought she would learn so much from being with Henry, but in that moment she realised she didn't learn enough as her lies caused him to not be around, she got caught up in the thrill of it all, she had been star gazing.

Deception is the quickest way to gain the little things, but lose the bigger things. Deception is an illusion, just like the stars in the sky. They look like they are glowing, shining bright and full of life; when in reality that very star is burning, it died many, many years ago, and the only way for them to be seen is for the darkness to encroach upon them. That is the thing about the dark night, it creeps upon you and it resonates with the soul; we must weather the dark times, it's a period of time where what was familiar has been taken away, and the richness of a new day is not yet yours to enjoy.