Two Hours, A Lifetime

Monica tried very hard not to think about the thing that she had struggled with keeping buried deep in her subconscious ever since she and Chandler said "I love you" to each other for the first time. It was easy during those first few weeks after coming clean to everyone about their relationship. They were so engrossed in being a couple in front of their friends and basking in that honeymoon phase afterglow, that she barely thought about it. Sure, there were a few times where her defenses were down and the thought sneaked in without warning, but she was able to tamp it down with ease in those early days. Unfortunately, it got harder and harder to fight it with each passing week.

Now, during these last few days, she has done everything she could think of to distract herself from that one thought that would not stop floating around in her head. She tried to suppress it with her work, sometimes spending hours in the kitchen creating new recipes. She would try to distract herself with sex, which had the added bonus of keeping Chandler happy. She tried to keep her attention focused on helping Rachel pack, and even if it meant giving her one of the candleholders that she knew for certain was hers. She would have given Rachel everything she owned and it would have been worth it if it could stop that thought from flashing through her brain.

For a short while last week, she was able to occupy her mind by having fun at her brother's expense when she heard him use that ridiculous fake English accent. She spent almost an entire day with Rachel and they must have left twenty messages on his machine, each time their own attempt at a fake accent becoming more ridiculous than the last. It did not matter to the thought, and however long she was able to avoid thinking about it with frivolous distractions, inevitably, her mind would always return to it. Before their anniversary, she hardly thought about it. She was certain that she had it under control. But then, Vegas happened, and that one all-encompassing thing that she tried so desperately not to think about, had come with her on the trip and it never fully left again.

It started to rumble awake when Chandler made that romantic, yet idiotic and impulsive idea at the craps table. When he suggested that they get married at the whim of a dice roll. That they leave their future together up to fate. It stopped her in her tracks. Under normal circumstances, Monica would have dismissed him immediately. Monica Geller getting married without consulting the wedding book? The one that she has had since she was a little girl? Not likely. However, the thought knew she was not thinking rationally at this moment and it raced to the front of her brain and clouded her with promises that she swore she would not make to herself again until she was certain she could keep them.

All of her inner protests did not matter that night in Vegas and the thought took control. How could she think rationally anyway with the way Chandler looked at her when he told her that he loved her more than anyone else he had ever known. It swept her off her feet. It made her realize, that she felt the exact same way about him. She loved him more than anyone else she had ever known. It was hard not to believe in kismet with the casino floor as the perfect backdrop to their rash decision.

She still had some control over the thought, and she had the wherewithal to give him one last out. When she saw that crooked die stuck under the leg of the table and sitting on its corner, it almost pulled her out of the fantastical state of mind she was in. She looked at him, and told him that it was his call to make. He was the one who would decide their fate. Not her, with the thought swirling around in her mind like a predator. He was going to have to be the one who would either pull the thought right out of her head and make it a reality or bury it so deep she may never think about it again. It was their last chance to find a way out, if they needed it, from this crazy idea he had come up with when emotions were high and a gambler's adrenaline was coursing through their veins.

Leave it to him, the man afraid of commitment, the man who everyone was certain would be the last to ever get married, the man who could find any reason to call off impending nuptials. She waited for that man to show up, but he never did. Chandler was not that man anymore. He was no longer the man she had known all these years who could not make a decision about a relationship without panicking and overthinking it. He was no longer the man who lived across the hall and acted a fool at every opportunity. The man whose skin crawled at the thought of being fully committed. The man who was not boyfriend material. The man who was the last person she could have imagined that would have her thinking about that thing she did not want to think about.

No, this was now her man. He was different. He was confident. He was serious. He had an unwavering resolve about his love for her and he was earnest and he was everything she had ever been looking for, wrapped up in this cool, sexy half-smile that seemed to be telling her everything was going to be okay. He never broke eye contact with her. He never took a second glance at the die that was going to decide their fate. His face was calm and it filled her with this incredible sense of security in her relationship that she had never felt before. His voice was soft, yet his tone conveyed that he had no doubt that what he was saying was true.

"It's a four."

That was it. That was all she needed. That was all the thought she had buried deep down had to hear. He told her that he wanted her. Not just for now, but for forever. More importantly, she wanted him in that exact same way. This was it; they were forever now. Fertile ground for that one thing she now thought about daily despite her best efforts.

She constantly looked over at him as they cashed out their chips. He never wavered. He never stumbled on his words or stammered out some joke to defuse the situation in an attempt to backtrack and take it all away. He wanted this as much as she did. It was everything she had wanted since she was a young girl and it was right here in front of her in the most unlikely of forms.

Later that night, and only for a moment, she thought that she went too far, with the thought now controlling her actions. She cradled the Caesar's sweatshirt that was stuffed under her dress as if it were a baby in her womb and for a split second, she worried that her enthusiasm for that thing she was now thinking about would scare him back to reality. Yet, instead of being frightened at the image of her being pregnant, He found amusement. He chuckled and smiled as he placed his hands on her shoulders. He never lost that look in his eye. The look that told her it was all really going to happen for her.

"One thing at a time."

It was magical, it was Vegas, it was Chandler and it was everything she wanted to hear. The thought was jumping around in her head now, unfettered and free to control every move she made.

She only got a handle on it when they finally returned home to New York. When they figured out that they were not ready to get married. That no matter what the signs told them, they had to move at their own pace. She thought to herself that the crisis was over, and that one thing she was holding in the back of her mind, that she let free in Vegas, began to fade again into the background. It was almost all the way there, back in its place in her subconscious, but it roared back with a vengeance one he propositioned her in a way that she was not prepared for.

"What if all my stuff was here?"

When he asked to move in with her, it made all her efforts to suppress that thought moot. Here he was, telling her he wanted to live with her. It seemed like such a silly thing at first. He lived across the hall. How much closer could their living arrangement get? She thought that perhaps he was joking, but she could see that look again on his face. He wanted this. He didn't want to be in a different space than her anymore. She realized that she wanted it too, more than anything else in the entire world. She jumped into his arms and that scary thing came back and it was all she could think about for days.

When it dawned on her that the actual act of moving in together was not going to happen as quickly as she had hoped, the endorphin rush dissipated, and she was able to somewhat tamp down that thought. She had it buried behind the dread of his Barcalounger ruining her living room's aesthetic and the task of making room for his clothes in her closet. There were actually a few days when she hardly thought about it at all as she ran interference and successfully dissuaded Chandler from executing all of his terrible ideas for the apartment. It was working though, and she felt sane again as the thought took a backseat to everything else.

But then the boxes came out. There were boxes in her apartment with Rachel's stuff from the kitchen and living room. There were boxes in his apartment filled with his winter clothes and his books and his CDs. It seemed, that everywhere she went, she saw a half-packed box lying around somewhere and it was a powerful representation of what was going to happen to her. Each folded sweater vest that she put in her dresser and every pair of his shoes that went in her closet reminded her that soon they would be living together. That wild, crazy, wonderful thought found its way back to the front of her mind. It kept her up at night, not because of any anxiety over the thought, which had been true in the past with her other boyfriends, but because she was giddy at the idea that she may actually be allowed to think about it with no restrictions.

She never had a chance to really entertain this thought seriously before she was with Chandler. She may have had it once or twice, but with the other men, it was fleeting. The men she knew before him were either too unreliable, too old, too rich and eccentric, too young or too juvenile. None of them dated her for over a year. None of them would ever have entertained the idea of impulsively marrying her in Vegas. None of them wanted to live with her. None of them could have handled it. None of them were Chandler.

She did have her doubts about Chandler before Vegas, and they were enough to keep the thought out of her mind. But now, with each passing day, and with every step forward they took, and with every confident smile he flashed her, that thought became bigger and bigger until it became so enormous, she could not avoid it anymore.

It was all she could think about when he spent last week taking care of Joey. Chandler would see her at night and share his worries about Joe, his undiagnosed hernia and his lack of money. He did everything he could to try and help him back on his feet, even taking him to auditions and tapings. His concern was so overwhelming that he couldn't sleep, and she would find him lying awake beside her as he tried to figure out a way to trick Joey into going to the doctor and letting him pay for it. She was not sure if she had ever loved him more than when she watched him riddled with such heartfelt concern. It made that thought easier to think about as she marveled at the level of an almost brotherly protectiveness he felt and the responsibility for Joey's well-being he burdened himself with. It let her know she was right to think that one thought more and more each day. It was proof that he was no longer the jittery, childish imp that lived across the hall.

None of these things made the thought more powerful though, then the events of today. These last couple of hours almost broke Monica down and would have had her shout the thought aloud to everyone and anyone who would listen to her. Everything about today made her finally stop trying to avoid the thought altogether. It was useless to resist it anymore as she watched him. He would look up at her and they shared a knowing smile that spoke far more words than anything they could have said out loud. His smile told her, that here they were, practicing for their future.

They sat on the couch, each one with a different baby in their arms, and it could not have felt more natural. As he played with baby girl Chandler, she felt as if she were about to burst. He took to feeding her as if he had been doing it all his life. He cuddled her and talked to her in this almost cartoon-like, sing-song voice that was so cute, Monica was certain her heart was going to shatter into a million pieces.

It was in that very moment, when she was sure she could not love him more. She was amused at how her love for him was still growing after being together for over a year. Without warning, the thought pulsated through her mind. It was big and bold and unapologetic as it smashed through every fear and every doubt that she had ever had. She finally gave in, stopped fighting and succumbed to it willingly.

When he left the apartment, just after the babies went down for their first nap, she couldn't help but smile. She was certain Phoebe would have said something to her if she was not so wrapped up in trying to do the best job that she could, watching the triplets for her brother. Her diligence allowed Monica to have a small moment to herself, and it let her come to terms with her new reality living with that one thought that used to scare her so much, but now washed over her and made her feel powerful and self-assured in all the choices she had made in her life that lead her to this.

She knew the thought was now a reality, even though they had only spent two hours with the triplets. Those two hours were enough for her to know with a clarity that allowed her to embrace the thought she had foolishly tried to avoid. Up until these last few weeks, she had thought that there was a chance it was wrong, like it had been a few times before. This time, it wasn't wrong. This time, the thought was true.

It did not matter how long it would take the thought to be actualized, The signs were all there. They were not those false signs from Vegas, ones that contained no substance behind them. These were real signs. These were the signs she had been waiting for her entire life.

She knew it was true because of how confident he was in his love for her and in her love for him. She knew it was real, because he was ready to do it in Vegas. She knew that he thought about it too, because he did not flinch when she made a joke in that gift shop about being pregnant. She knew it was right because of how much he obsessed over the wellbeing of a friend who might as well have been family. And finally, she knew it was going to really happen this time, when she saw how he was holding that baby, like he was born to do it.

The thought was blaring now, stronger than at any other time in her life and she surrendered to it happily, because now, she knew the thought was true. She was going to marry Chandler. They were going to have babies together. They were going to be a family. They were going to live happily ever after.