Hello everyone! Yes, I know this update has been a long time coming. I do apologize for the wait. Finals took up a lot of my time. And then the movie came out. In case you haven't seen it, I'll leave a bit of a spoiler review at the end so I don't ruin it for you. But hey, this chapter and update is your Christmas present!
Paul Lenzen: They both have problems with being vulnerable. I decided to keep the part in the movie where Grace takes the decision away from Bob by telling him she'll leave and she straight up does. In the story, Ben is just as scared by this whole revelation as Rey is. Feathers: I know! I think we all knew it would hurt, but it will all be better soon. Just hang in there! JinxedSydney: The kitchen scene is one of my all time favorite scenes in a movie! It's done so well: the dialogue, acting, and blocking. Belushi is amazing in it. The-First-Step: I love Ben's pov so much. It just felt right to do the last chapter from mainly him. I enjoy bringing the angst way too much. It's my bread and butter. ;) ldsrsc: Their love will conquer all! Don't worry, there will come a time where they sit down and do a lot of talking and a lot of communicating. NoChaDaiSAlamander: Thank you so much for all your reviews! I see what your saying about the flashbacks, and when I'm done with the story, I'll go back and see if there is a way to work it better. And you should totally take the plunge and write your own fanfic! I love it as a hobby and I hope that I never stop. I love how thoughtful you are in your reviews and cherish them so much! :)
Just a little heads up for this chapter, it's all from Rey's pov. It's all about her coming to terms with everything and making a final decision on what she wants to do. She talks to Kay and Han and they both help her realize a few things.
Chapter Twenty-one: Do Something About It
It was two weeks from opening day and the Gorilla Habitat was nearly finished. The jungle gym had been installed, leaving landscape, drywall installation, and the borosilicate glass enclosure some of the last things to be completed. The entire structure was still blocked off with high sheets of plywood, each column plastered with an advert of Coming Soon!
At one particular point near the area where Zoo traffic was considered rather high, the official poster had been placed. A sign – along with Ben's painting he had made of the end design – read:
SHARA AND HER FAMILY BUILD THEIR DREAM HOUSE. COMPLIMENTS OF THE A.R.T.S (ANIMAL'S RIGHT TO SURVIVE) AND DAMERON DESIGNS. IN LOVING MEMORY OF POE DAMERON.
Rey stood in front of it, wearing her hardhat and usual work garb – beige steel toed boots, black work shirt, jeans, and her signature frown that translated to leave-me-the-fuck-alone-unless-it's-work-related.
Her eyes kept bouncing between the life-like painting of the soon-to-be-finished habitat and the picture of Poe with Shara.
Her chest tightened.
Sometimes, it was just better to walk away. That's what she'd been telling herself. Not that it made her feel any better about the revelation Ben dropped on her. But at least whenever she stood in the bathroom of her hotel room, staring at herself in the mirror, there was her punishment for leaving him in the reflection: sallow skin, shadows under her eyes, and strung out hair.
What came next after such a depression? Lighting her life on fire? Get a membership at a cycling studio? A haircut?
Someone accidentally bumped into her, offering their apologies. Rey didn't turn to see who it was.
The zoo was bustling with visitors; families, senior citizens, tourists, and lots of camp kids carrying pink and blue bundles of cotton candy.
Rey loved cotton candy.
She had no inclination to get any.
Through all the outside noise, she heard Snap trying to get through to her on the radio. She responded as she slipped past the wooden barricade and made her way to where the landscaping should have been underway.
"Shipment for the drywall came in," Snap reported.
"Good. Start putting it over the wired frame."
"Well… I think there's a problem with the order."
Rey stopped. "What do you mean?"
There was a slight pause.
"We're missing about a quarter of it."
Rey squeezed the radio in her fist, pressing her eyes shut and trying not to lose it.
"You should get back to the trailer," Snap told her.
She didn't even have it in her to respond to him. If she opened her mouth, there was a strong possibility that she would just yell and curse and take her anger out on Snap when none of this was his fault. For his sake, none of it better be his fault.
Rey hurried to the trailer, flinging the door open and bulldozing inside.
"What the fuck is–" Rey stopped talking.
Kay was standing by Rey's desk, arms folded over her chest, a no-nonsense expression on her face. Rey had been ignoring her friend over the last four days, ever since Ben told her….
"I heard you came back today," Kay said. "Must have been one helluva cold."
A cold would've been more merciful than what Rey had been actually going through: Lying in her hotel bed, barely getting a wink of shut eye, not eating and narrowly staying hydrated. Throughout it all, BB lay next to her, almost like he could sense her mood and she was dragging him down with her.
Numb… she had felt so… desolate. Hollow. She didn't cry. Didn't sob. She couldn't make herself take a shower or brush her teeth or mindlessly watch a TV show. For days, moving was kept to a minimum.
She fed BB and used the toilet – that was the extent of her energy she was willing to exude.
Rey barely recalled dragging her ass out of bed this morning, dropping BB off at her old neighbors place and driving to the Zoo. Part of her wondered if she was actually there or if she were dreaming about how she needed to go into work since she'd been thinking about it.
Rey held Kay's stare before addressing Snap. "Where are the invoices for the drywall?"
Kay was the one who answered. "Oh, there isn't anything wrong with the drywall. Since you've been ignoring me, I asked Snap if he could help me out and get you over here."
Snap, who was merely hovering near the conversation rather than taking part in it, seemed to be fighting between looking cool as a cucumber and someone who was about to get a root canal without a sedative.
Rey exploded at Kay. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"You look like shit," Kay clipped back. "When was the last time you slept? Or ate? Where the hell have you been?"
Rey ignored the questions. "Do you have any idea the stress I'm under with how close we are to opening? I nearly had a heart attack getting here!"
"Desperate times call for desperate measures."
"What desperate times? The fact that I'm on a deadline?"
"You know what I mean. It's the fact that Ben out-of-the blue quits and takes a job in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. And on top of that, you aren't answering any of my calls or texts. You moved out of your brownstone, but weren't at Ben's. No one was there. I didn't know where the fuck you were or what was going on. I finally called Snap and he said you sent him an email that you were sick and that was it. Like any of us are actually going to believe that an illness would keep you away from this place when the grand opening is in a couple weeks." Kay took a step closer, teeth clenched. "What. The fuck. Happened."
Rey held Kay's heavy gaze, feeling like if she looked away, she would somehow lose. But what was the game being played?
Snap went for the door. "Since you two have some shit to figure out, I'll take this as my cue to leave."
As quickly as the staring match commenced, it fizzled out the second Snap reminded them that there had been another person in the room.
Kay shook her head, looked away. They'd been friends for so long that Rey could recognize that Kay's anger was because she cared. She was worried. Rey hadn't thought of anyone else but herself the last four days. Now, she was feeling a pang of guilt over it.
Rey sighed and went around Kay, going to her purse behind her desk. She hesitated before pulling out the blue envelope, the one that contained the letter. Why she carried it around with her… was probably something a good old-fashioned therapist could decipher.
She didn't have a therapist.
Rey held it out to Kay. She took it, eyeing it curiously. "What's this?"
Rey plopped down in her swivel chair, kneading at her neck in an effort to work out a kink. "Open it."
Kay looked at her in utter consternation. "Did you write down what happened with Ben or something?"
"Just open it."
Kay grabbed a chair against the wall and unfolded it, situating herself on the other side of the desk.
During Kay's reading session, Rey had swiped a pencil from a half opened drawer, tapping it on her thigh as she focused on every knick in the veneer of the desk's wood. She couldn't look at Kay.
Seconds ticked into minutes, the atmosphere holding its breath.
"When did you get this?" Kay asked. Rey lifted her eyes, noticing how Kay's frown had caused a deep line to form between her brows.
"Over a year ago," she answered.
"And you never told me?"
"I declined meeting him," Rey said matter-of-factly. You're such a fucking bitch, she thought to herself. "I told someone at the donor organization that I didn't want to meet him."
Kay glanced at the letter. Then back to her. "Rey… Poe dying was not this guy's fault."
"I know that." A sickly heat bloomed in her chest, making its way up her throat.
Kay gave her a do you? kind of look. But she didn't fight her on it. "What does this have to do with Ben?"
Rey took two breaths, lips trembling. "He wrote it."
"Wrote what?"
"The letter." Kay still wasn't following. Rey pointed to what was in her friend's hand. "That letter."
The face Kay made as she looked at the paper was akin to hearing a shoe drop in a completely silent theatre. In the quiet that ensued, the sounds of construction could easily be heard. As if reminding her that there was work to be done. That there was work she could distract herself with instead of being here, discussing unpleasant events.
Kay finally found her voice, gaping and stuttering before finally landing on a single word: "Wow."
"Yeah," Rey breathed out.
"I mean… wow."
"Yeah."
"I mean…." Kay's blinking went on rapid-fire. "What the fuck happened between you two? How did you find out?"
Rey's throat tightened, her body rebelling against uttering the words. "He found the letter in the den when he was helping me pack. Told me the next day."
"And?" Kay asked, her gaze expectant.
"And what?"
"Rey, for the love of every god in existence, please tell me you did not break up with him because of"–she waved the letter around like it was tissue paper–"this."
Going on the defensive fueled Rey's anger. "He was the one who said he was leaving. He already had everything figured out." I just went along with it because it was easier.
Kay sat back, probably recognizing that Rey was getting closer to hostile territory. "Okay… so… what happened, exactly?"
As Rey gave the details factually, it was like someone else was talking and she was just a bystander. On an emotional level, she knew she should be crying and distraught. She felt like that in her gut. But there was something in her head that just wouldn't connect her cognizance with her heart, blocking her from really feeling.
Once Rey was done, Kay just stared at the corkboard on the wall that was covered with itemizations and post-it notes.
Then she looked over the letter again and said, "Why does it matter?"
Rey blew out a noisy breath through her nose. "What do you mean, why does it matter? He has Poe's heart."
"Again, why does that matter?" Kay met Rey's stare, unyielding. "Poe is dead."
"I know Poe is dead," Rey snapped back, hands clutching tighter to the armrest of the chair. "You think I don't fucking know that?"
"You do… which is why this is all confusing to me." Kay regarded her for a few seconds, thinking. "Do you blame Ben for Poe dying? Is that it?"
Rey instinctively recoiled. "What? No." And she found that she truly believed it.
"So why can't you be with him?
"Because…" Her breathing became heavier, and the words spilled out before her mind could catch up. "Because it's not fair! Poe's accident, it just… it happened and I couldn't do anything to stop it. He didn't get to live. There was no one to save him, no organ donor to give him a second chance."
Kay's eyes slowly bulged, mouth slack. "My God. You're bitter towards Ben because he got a second chance and Poe didn't."
No.
No… that wasn't...
"I…."
Kay's eyes actually glimmered with unshed tears. "And you know what's truly heartbreaking? Ben probably feels the same way. Actually, he does. It's all in this letter." She shook her head, not even trying to hide the chastisement in her tone. "He poured his guilt out to you in here; his vulnerability. He even wrote that he felt like he didn't deserve another chance, but would try to live his life in honor of the donor. Think about that, Rey. Really think about what life would be like in Ben's shoes knowing that someone had to die for him to live."
Rey's throat spasmed… because… because… "I can't."
"Why?"
"I'll… I'll know that I treated him horribly." It came as no surprise to Rey just how hard it was to admit that. "That I was wrong for letting him leave."
Kay let out a long breath and stood. "Sounds like you already know that. And… I think you've tried so hard to move on, that if you're with Ben, he would constantly be reminding you of Poe. You're scared."
Rey's mouth opened and closed, cancelling the defensive words she was about to say, but the truth showing on her face anyway:
Kay was right.
Her friend left her alone in the trailer. Rey didn't move. She couldn't move. She sat in stunned silence, her mind replaying the conversation over and over as if it would garner a different ending.
She was aware that she was in a holding pattern of sorts. Like if she made a concrete decision on what to do, would she live to regret it? Which one was right?
But the moment Snap came back inside, Rey knew there was somewhere else she needed to be.
"Snap, I–"
"Go. I have everything under control here. Don't worry, boss."
()()()()()
Rey stood just inside the apartment, the door closing behind her. BB tugged at his leash, begging to be released. Rey bent down and unclipped the collar, watching him zoom around the living room and kitchen before going to the hallway.
He was looking for Ben.
It was evident he wasn't there.
She knew because the shelves surrounding the TV were empty. Everything else looked the same: furniture was still there – they had agreed to use his – and his appliances were left on the kitchen counter. But the biggest tell of his absence was that his pill organizer was no longer next to the coffee machine.
Her eyes went to the table. She pictured Ben sitting there as clear as day – his textbooks and laptop open as he prepared for work, Rey sitting across from him and showing him funny memes on her phone whenever she took a break from looking over the habitat layout. He always smiled at whatever she showed him. The fact that he liked her sense of humor was such a lovely thing.
BB started barking.
Rey left her small piece of luggage by the sofa and went to find him.
He was right outside Ben's bedroom door. She opened it and BB hurried inside, sniffing and running around. After checking the ensuite, he looked to Rey and started to whine.
"He isn't here." And, okay, wow, just telling BB that pulled her back to the night she told the fur ball that Poe wasn't coming back. And just like that night, BB didn't understand.
Rey dragged her feet and flopped onto the bed. The sheets and comforter smelled like him. It was a cruel assault on her nose.
The sobs finally broke through, ripping through her bones, muscles, and guts, leaving behind mush. She pressed her face into the bed, her heart yanking in and out of her chest. It pulled back in as if on a pendulum, over and over. In and out. Traveling through the hollowness of her chest.
Then, something nuzzled in her hair, licking at her ear. BB was there. She gathered him into her arms without protest, his presence reaching into that hollowness and filling some of the void.
They stayed like that as Rey cried herself to sleep.
.
.
.
Rey woke. Opened her eyes. Tears blurred her vision. She rolled over, flipping on the bedside lamp. Sitting up, her eyes looking straight ahead.
She frowned.
Was that… was that a picture of her hanging on the wall?
With steady movement, she got closer to the… it was a portrait of her, not a picture. And it was stunning. Bright. Her smile perfectly dimpling her cheeks, her eyes vibrant with life. It was placed in the exact same spot where Ben's portrait had been.
In the bottom right corner was a signature. His signature. Kylo Ren.
But she didn't know him.
And then… then… oh.
"Ben?" Rey said out loud, strings connecting in her mind faster than she was able to keep up.
Shuffling back, she sat on the bed, eyes wide as they stayed on the painting.
Rey swallowed hard and threw out a hand to Ben's black comforter, gathering it into her tight fist – as if touching his things would somehow translate into him helping to support her. It didn't.
There were so many unanswered questions. So many dots yet to be connected. So many different paths for her to take. Yet, she realized she only wanted to take one.
Rey checked her phone. It was almost eleven at night. She jumped off the bed, and BB lifted his head to look at her.
"I'll be back. Stay there," she told him, as if the dog could actually go anywhere.
Rey grabbed her keys and left the apartment, hurrying down to street level. Outside, she went to the restaurant's front entrance. The door was locked. Rey knocked, which gradually morphed into pounding.
A very annoyed server came to answer. "Sorry, but we're clo–"
Rey ducked under his arm and rushed inside, the server calling out to her. A handful of wait staff were going through their closing checklist, each of them giving her a hostile glare. Rey ignored them, heading to the back.
She slowed when she saw them: Luke, Han, Chewie, and Lando, setting up a poker game on a table.
"Hey!" The server from the door caught up with her, thinking twice about grabbing her arm, but having no problem forcefully intruding into her personal space. "You can't just barge in here. We're closed. You need to–"
"Trevor," Han cut in. The server's loud voice had caught the attention of the men. "Leave her alone. She can be here."
Trevor huffed, muttering something no doubt about her under his breath as he left.
The men were all staring at her, none of them moving. She drew in a deep breath and walked toward the table.
Rey offered them a sad smile, wondering if they all hated her. She wouldn't blame them.
Luke spoke up first. "He's not here."
Rey knew that Luke didn't just mean Ben wasn't in the building, but rather he wasn't on the continent. How many times could a heart break before it just stopped working? Ben probably knew, and didn't that just tear at her.
"Are you hungry?" Chewie asked. "I can make you a plate of pasta."
Rey shook her head. "No. No thanks, Chewie." She looked to Han, voice weak. "He left?"
"It's been three days now. He got to Hawaii safely, though."
They eagerly waited for her to reply. "Well, I've been thinking–"
The men started talking over one another.
"Oh, of course you have."
"Who can blame you."
"There has to be so much on your mind."
"I can't imagine what you're going through."
They went quiet in unison.
Here she thought Ben's family would detest her, but all they were showing was sympathy. She didn't deserve it, but God, she needed it.
"The dedication is in a couple weeks. And, uh... it means so much to me. And Poe." She took a breath. She had to make everything right. Had to. "I miss Poe. I'll always miss Poe. But I… I love Ben. And I don't know if I can… I don't know if he–"
"He can," Lando interjected. The guys shushed him. Rey smiled a little.
Han regarded her before standing. "Rey, come along with me for a moment."
She didn't question him; he was Ben's dad. So she dutifully followed him through the kitchen and into the office. He motioned for her to sit in the open chair as he parked himself in the one behind the desk. The door was left open.
Rey's eyes downshifted to her lap as she listened to Han start off the impending conversation.
"Now, I know to a good degree that this is none of my business. I know that this has been overwhelming and it might take you a good while to sort it all out." His tone held not an ounce of judgment, but was thoughtful. Considerate. "But while you're sorting, I want to tell you… that I understand what it feels like to lose a sibling. Especially one you held so close to your heart."
Rey raised her gaze. "Ben told me a little bit about Phoebe."
"Probably only the surface stuff cause I never told him much else. But Phoebe…" His small smile was that of a sad memory. "She was my little sister. She was everything to me. She was so smart and funny and never lost that brightness about her. Even after all the abuse she experienced from my old man." Han's hands curled into fists, the only sign that there was anger simmering below his heavy-hearted surface. "See, this is where I can understand your brother just a bit. I left off to college, and since Phoebe was seven years younger than me, she had a while to go before she could leave home. My mom left when she was little, so there was no one there to protect her. And I, being the selfish asshole I was, got out of there right when I turned 18. Took me two years to work up the nerve to go back and visit. And when I did…" He shook his head, rolling his jaw. "Phoebe, all she did was smile and hug me and tell me how much she missed me. She didn't yell at me or tell me she hated me for leaving her behind, even though that was exactly how I felt once I saw what she was living with."
Han's eyes grew hard, but it wasn't directed at her. "My old man was an evil and perverted old bastard. I found out in that moment that I would do anything to get Phoebe out of that situation. Anything. Even if it was questionable, as long as it meant she didn't have to live under that roof anymore, it would be worth it. I imagine Poe felt the same when he went back for you in London."
There was a breath of a pause.
"Did you help your sister?" Rey asked softly. "Did you get her out?"
Han chuckled, but it was without humor. "There was a fire, actually. Happened a few days after I showed up. My old man got passed out drunk and forgot to put the cover over the fireplace. An ember made its way onto the carpet and the whole place went up in flame. No one thought that I–" Han shut his mouth. Rey had an idea of what he was about to say, but she wasn't about to push him on it. Nor did she judge him. "Well, I got my sister out, but my dad didn't make it. Sounds horrible, but I was so glad he was gone. I was never sad over his death. I was just sad that I was never lucky enough to have parents who cared about Phoebe and me."
Rey never would've guessed that Han knew firsthand what she was going through. The fact that they both had lost a sibling made it possible to give him free rein with whatever he wanted to tell her, inclining her to listen.
"I know what you mean," she told him. "I hope Unkar is dead somewhere so I don't ever have to worry about seeing him again." It was weird and callous to admit such a thing out loud, but she definitely felt content while saying it. "Ben told me your sister married Lando?"
"Yeah." He sighed. "God, she was so beautiful on her wedding day. I walked her down the aisle and gave her away. Lando… he loved her. Deeply. If he didn't, I wouldn't have let him marry her." His stare went to the open doorway, looking out to the kitchen. "And then the cancer showed up… and she died. Lando took care of her the most, all the way up to the end. Fed her, cleaned her, read to her all the time."
"And he never remarried," Rey stated more than questioned.
"No. He has a playboy lifestyle now, but I think he knows that it's all hollow. He'll never give his heart to anyone else, but Phoebe."
Rey heard footsteps approaching, a blond young woman in a servers uniform appearing in the doorway. "Sorry to interrupt, but I've signed off on everyone's closing assignments and let them go home."
"Good. Have Lando count the till with you."
She nodded and left.
There was a long moment of silence. Rey adjusted her posture, her hands tucked beneath her thighs.
"I wanted the best for my sister," Han started to say. "I wanted to see her happy and loved and at peace. And if Poe cared about you like I cared for Phoebe, he wanted the same for you. Still does."
Those tears she thought were long gone were threatening to come back. Rey looked to the floor, blinking them away.
Han continued. "As someone who has walked on the same path as you, but who's a little further along, all I can say is that grief is a process. The only way through the pain is to put one foot in front of the other, but I think you kind of know that by now. You know that there are stages, but the bitch of it is that you never really get to the end. I think you're searching for that, but you won't find it. I sure as hell haven't." His eyes roamed the office walls. "You never stop missing them. And the stuff in the beginning is the worst. You're probably still in that phase. I was for years after Phoebe died – looking under all kinds of stones and searching for answers and for someone to blame. There ain't no one to blame for cancer. Well, I guess there are those labs that dump chemicals into rivers or some shit, but that wasn't the case for Phoebe. Her body attacked itself and there was nothing she could do about it."
Rey rubbed one of her eyes, the one that was stinging with moisture. "It isn't fair."
"Kid, you can keep saying that over and over again, but life was never set up to be fair. It was set up to be lived. The good, the bad, and the ugly."
Rey chuckled despite the heavy discussion. "You a Clint Eastwood fan?"
Han's mouth curled upward. "I'm 74 years old. Of course I'm a Clint Eastwood fan."
Freeing her hands from beneath her thighs, Rey crossed her arms. "I don't want to keep feeling this way."
"You won't. The reality is that you won't grieve forever. I mean, you'll never get over the loss of a loved one, but you'll learn to live with it."
"But… if I learn to live with it, it feels like I'm diminishing Poe's existence somehow."
"His existence lives on in your memory, as Phoebe lives on in mine." His voice took on a more distant tone. "I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss of your brother. You will be whole again, but not the same. You shouldn't be the same, nor should you want to be."
Rey sat there for a moment, digesting what Han said. Had she really been trying to get back to who she used to be? The girl she'd been when Poe was alive? What if she'd been fighting becoming the woman she could be, and being with Ben gave her a glimpse of her potential?
Sure, she shouldn't rely on Ben to heal her completely. But what was wrong with accepting a little help to get there? Pride be damned at this point.
Rey looked at Han. Really looked at the guy, seeing something there she hadn't seen before. "You know, and I really hope what I'm about to say doesn't offend you, but you're like, pretty wise and understanding."
Han brought a finger to his lips. "Shhh… That needs to stay a secret. I get away with a lot by letting everyone believe I'm just a dumbass."
They shared a short-lived laugh.
"Trust me," Han told her. "It's better to do the work and get to a place where you can live comfortably, then to stick your head in the sand and drag that shit out forever. It made me fearful of getting close to my own son, all because I didn't want to be gutted again by another death. I regret it."
"You should tell Ben that."
"It's hard, you know… admitting the things you've done wrong."
Rey could agree with that on a spiritual level.
"I miss Poe." Her voice cracked. She worked at clearing it. "And I miss Ben."
"I know you're in a tight spot when it comes to my son, and I won't tell you what I think you should do. But just know… Leia and I, we prayed for Ben to get a heart. And we knew that if he were ever to get one, it would come from someone truly special. Growing up, we weren't a very good family. Leia and I both had our faults, though Leia did way better than me with the whole parenting thing. But I think… I think Ben has always wanted a family that he could love unconditionally and who would support him no matter what. A family he could create with someone and to love."
"But love... it isn't a cure all."
"No, it's not," Han agreed, scratching at the stubble on his chin. "But at the end of the day, it is a choice. This ain't a movie, kid. There isn't someone writing out your story for you. You do that for yourself."
On one level, what Han said wasn't that tough to understand. Hello. Of course no one was in charge of your story but yourself. There was no hero waiting in the wings to save you. You were your own hero. Your own author. Not exactly an Einstein realization. It was so simple.
Simple.
Memories, while comforting, weren't tangible. They couldn't hold you while you cried, they couldn't listen to you vent out your frustrations, and they couldn't hold your hand to make you feel special.
But a person... a person could.
Poe would always be in her memories, but Ben… Ben was alive.
If Rey wasn't happy, then she should fucking do something about it.
"Do you have Ben's number?" she asked, the pounding in her chest accelerating. Han raised a brow. "I… might have stupidly deleted it."
He pulled out his phone. "I can do you one better; I can tell you where he's staying."
"Where he's staying?"
He started swiping at the screen, a little grin forming on his lips. "I might not know my son very well, but I do know one thing: he's a romantic. Go to him. Talk to him in person. Sweep him off his feet with a grand gesture."
"Isn't that, like, emasculating or something?"
"Fuck social norms. Men love love just as much as women. They're just too afraid to admit it."
()()()()()
Airplanes were like tin cans with wings. While Rey's engineering knowledge pertained more toward the architectural, she understood how airplanes worked. She understood that the probability of it crashing or blowing up in the sky was 5.4 million to one. But the amount of times Rey had flown in her life could be counted with just one hand, using a few fingers.
Logically, she knew she would be fine. Emotionally, she felt like she was in a steel coffin that was going to pitch her into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Han had helped her find an airline and book a ticket. She was flying Delta Comfort, even though Han told her to do business class since it was a very long flight with no stops. Even offered to pay for it. But she refused.
She wished she could change her decision.
The seat barely reclined, she was stuck in the middle of two other women – one of which didn't believe in deodorant or knew of its existence – and no matter what she did, she couldn't get comfortable. Taking Dramamine had been foolish since she couldn't get a wink of shuteye to sleep it off.
Now, in the taxi on the way to Ben's hotel, she was drowsy, her face was in desperate need of a rinse, and her eyes ached from the brightness of the Pacific sun.
With her sunglasses secured on the bridge of her nose, Rey stared out the window during the twenty-minute journey. Hawaii was certainly a welcoming sight, with its lush greenery, emerald ocean, and laid back atmosphere. People didn't rush here, that much was evident in the airport as everyone's walking pace was at a leisurely level.
Rey got some looks when she rushed for the airport exit and hurried to grab a taxi.
Getting to the hotel, she paid the driver and rolled her carry-on behind her as she went inside. The humidity here was worse than Chicago, like she could almost drink the moisture right out of the air. It certainly was making the oil on her face worse.
A rush of cool air hit her right when she went through the automatic doors. Someone should've warned her that paradise was kind of uncomfortably hot and sticky.
There was no line at the front desk, allowing Rey to walk up to the young woman who was the receptionist. She was Hawaiian, with dark tanned skin and long, luscious hair. God, Rey would kill for that kind of volume.
She greeted Rey with a smile. "Aloha. Are you checking in or out?"
It was then Rey realized that she hadn't planned on what to do once getting there. All that time traveling had been her trying not to throw up from the nerves twisting her stomach into a pretzel, and coming up with what she should say to Ben.
"Um… actually, I was wondering if I can get the room number of one of your guests?"
That seemed like a good place to start.
The smile on the woman's face faltered. "I'm sorry, but I can't give out that information without the guest's permission."
Right. Duh. Makes sense.
"Um… could you call his room and tell him I'm here, then?" Rey asked, grasping at any idea that came to mind. "His name is Ben Solo."
The receptionist eyed her closely, as if wondering if this went against their privacy policy. Or if Rey was a threat. Luckily, the woman picked up the phone. "What's your name?"
"Rey."
The receptionist pressed a series of numbers, then waited. Seconds ticked by. Rey bit at the dry skin on her lips.
The young woman hung up the phone. "I'm sorry, but no one is answering. He probably isn't there."
"Have you seen him leave? He's really tall, pale skin and with black hair about to here." Rey indicated just above her shoulders. "He's only been here a couple of days."
"I know the man you're speaking of, but I just got here ten minutes ago and I haven't seen him."
"Okay." What should she do now? "Uh…."
"You can wait for him in the lobby, if you want," the receptionist offered.
Rey took the idea like it was her one and only lifeline. "Okay. Yeah, I'll do that. Do you have a bathroom I can use?"
"On the other side of the lobby, just over there." Rey followed to where the woman was pointing and thanked her.
The restroom was a single stall, allowing Rey some privacy as she tried to make herself not look like a train wreck of bloodshot eyes and smeared mascara. She washed her face, changed her clothes, and pulled her hair back as quickly as she could. What if she missed Ben returning to the hotel?
When she got out of the restroom, she glanced to the front desk. The receptionist shook her head, as if knowing Rey's concern.
Making her way over to the light blue couch, the tension in her shoulders didn't fade away as she sunk into the soft cushions. With time to spare, Rey took in the lobby of the Queen Kapiolani Hotel, finding it to give off a lovely ambiance of a tropical haven. It was modern, but not in the sterile sense – the furniture and decorations had soft edges, and the color scheme of the space was peppered in a warm variety of greens, oranges, and blues.
There were murals that really honed in the 'relax in paradise' feel: a woman holding a yellow-flowered lei, the sun surfing a wave while wearing sunglasses, and a pineapple family hiking in the jungle. Large blocks of wood were repurposed into benches and center tables, and the enticing smell of coffee lingered in the air from the coffee shop that was connected to the waiting area. It offered some reassuring familiarity.
It was homely, yet current in design.
And Rey couldn't relax.
She was exhausted from the twelve-hour flight, but too tense to get up and buy a cup of coffee. The caffeine would heighten her jitters to an ungodly level, anyway. And since she hadn't eaten in hours, the stimulant would make her jump right out of her skin.
Weird how she had no appetite to eat. Guess anxiety did wonders on filling up an empty stomach.
Two hours in and Rey was getting really close to caving and just calling Ben. Han had given her his number before she left, just in case. Well, this was starting to feel like a just-in-case scenario. Where was he? It was 7pm. If Ben went into work, Rey figured he would've been back between three and five. That's how it had been back in Chicago. But maybe the Honolulu Zoo had him on a different schedule?
It was possible he was performing a life saving surgery on one of the animals. Good for the animal for getting the care it needed, but Rey was about to combust into a ball of timorous flames if she had to wait any longer.
The zoo was right down the street. She had passed it in the taxi on the way to the hotel. Maybe she should walk and see–
The automatic entrance swished open. Rey looked up for the millionth time, expecting to see another woman in a flowy dress and strappy sandals.
Her throat closed.
First thing she noticed: Ben was wearing shorts, a dark blue khaki material that hit a few inches above his knees. She'd never seen him in shorts before. His legs looked good.
His eyes were on the ground and his hands were in his pockets as he kept walking, his white sneakers stepping softly against the hardwood. His grey t-shirt had a small logo in the upper right corner: orange embroidery that read Honolulu Zoo.
And his hair… the humidity made his curls tighter. Fluffier.
He was still so fucking gorgeous.
Rey stood up from the couch. Ben walked right past her, heading for the lift, not realizing she was there.
Speak. Open your mouth. Say something!
Rey was semi-aware of calling out his name. Though with the blood pumping in her ears, it sounded closer to a whisper.
Ben froze, hand raised to press the button. Rey wasn't sure if he actually turned around slowly, or if time had just pumped its brakes. Whatever happened, it ended with him facing her.
There was a whole lot of staring, and a whole lot of silence. And Ben's reaction was interesting – because there was none.
Rey frowned as Ben stood there and braced herself for a load of I-don't-want-you-here. Oh God, she hadn't thought over the scenario of Ben being done with her. Of not wanting to be with her because of how she reacted to the truth and had rejected his donor letter.
And how self-centered was that? To assume he would take her back the second he saw her? She had hurt him. She was the one who had actually left him and the relationship. She had ruined everything.
But then… then he thumbed at the elevator behind him. "You want to come up?"
Rey was overeager in her nod, swallowing a ball of saliva only for it to get stuck and not go anywhere. The lump in her throat was getting larger and larger and why did she feel like she was about to burst into tears?
The closer Rey got to him, the more his eyes finally came to life, like each step she took was drawing out more and more of his pain.
"Miss?" Rey stopped a few feet from Ben, both looking to the owner of the voice. The receptionist motioned back to the couch Rey had been sitting at. "Is that your carry-on over there?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot–"
It took two seconds flat for Ben to cross the lobby and retrieve her small burgundy suitcase, and an extra two to get back to her. He pressed the lift button with a little too much force. His eyes remained on the closed doors, jaw tight, but… he at least wanted her to come up with him.
He wanted her to be there. He had grabbed her carry-on.
A quiet, tentative excitement kindled deep in her heart.
The receptionist gave Rey a wink. Rey's thankful smile was shaky at best. Her focus shifted to Ben. She should say something to him, communicate in words that while their situation was different and complex, her feelings for him were simple and were what mattered.
Instead, Rey whispered, "Are you okay?" Yeah… it sounded stupid the moment it came out of her mouth. She knew that.
Rey looked over his face. He still had a pale complexion, but with a bit of rouge from the sun and heat. His skin had always rebelled against tanning.
Ben shook his head slowly and spoke in a rough, low voice. "Honestly, no. I'm not."
And just like that, the excitement vanished. Rey bit her quivering lip, eyes going back to the metallic doors as they opened. All her expectations were gone. She had no idea how this was about to go.
One thing was for sure: she was certainly prepared to beg for another chance.
A/N
Next chapter, I'm thinking I might have it mostly from Ben's pov. What do you guys think? You want their long talk from Rey or Ben's point of view?
Now onto the movie. If you haven't seen it yet and don't want spoilers, turn back now!
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I did not like it. Guys, I am depressed. It was hard for me to even finish this chapter after watching Ben die with my own two eyes. I never thought I would never want to watch a kiss scene, but here we are. Ben Solo was done dirty, he was in the film for five minutes, said one word – ow – and Rey didn't seem to mourn him. Like, I might have felt better about it if she didn't move on so damn fast. Everyone else was mourned in this movie: Chewie, Leia, Threepio when he lost his memory. But I felt like Ben was tossed aside and forgotten.
The plot is all over the place, editing is choppy, Rey being a palpatine should've started in the last movie, but since it didn't, she should've stayed nobody. Dialogue was mostly exposition, barely any dialogue was used for character development, character motivations didn't match up with previous two movies, and Rey ends up alone on another desert planet? The last shot is showing Rey back where she started with only a droid by her side? Even if she was passing through Tatooine and not staying there, they still chose to use this shot as the last shot of the movie. Left a bad taste in my mouth. It was a sad ending for both Ben and Rey. And Disney thinks this is a fairytale? Have they watched any of their own movies? I'm so sick of nihilism being so prevalent in Hollywood. We can't have characters have a happily ever after because we need to be edgy and give the movie emotional weight and women need to be independent and strong all on their own (and I'm a feminist!). Fuck that. My life is like that. I don't want to see it on screen. If anyone can think of a romance in Star Wars that ends happily, let me know, because I can't find one. Women deserve to get the man. Male protagonist get the woman in the end. Why can't women?
The good things: acting, cinematography, I liked Threepio, I actually liked Poe even though I didn't in the last two movies (though he did not need that many scenes. Kylo/Ben was the one who needed that much screen time), the scene between Han and Ben was everything, and then everything about Ben Solo. Ben Solo stole this movie for me. Adam did a phenomenal job at bringing him to life while never saying anything.
Anyway, I could go on and on about this movie, but I'm tired and I feel betrayed. What a great Christmas present from Lucasfilm Disney.