Loving You Forever Is What I Need Chapter Seventeen

"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart." Helen Keller

Emily sat quietly at the pew of St Paul's Cathedral, she was in the last row of the dark church, only illuminated by the glowing candles, giving the room a dark spooky appearance. There wasn't anyone else there besides Emily, for being one of the most famous cathedrals in London, it was quiet surprising; although not really, given that it was almost ten o'clock at night. She had been walking on the rain for quiet a long time, the wet strands of hair framing her face, her makeup was all smeared by the rain and her own tears, and she was soaking wet. Every other minute or so she shivered from the cold and loneliness; however, there was an eerie yet comforting feeling from being in a room lit by candles. She wasn't quiet sure how long she had been walking, or where, hell she didn't even know why she made it to church to begin with. Is not like she was extremely religious, she had not been in a church in over a decade. But still this place right now was the only thing that kept her from falling apart completely.

She heard his footsteps long before he walked inside the church, she didn't even flinch when the wooden floor cracked under his weight, but she didn't even bother to acknowledge him. She knew very well that eventually he will find her, after all the man was the best profile in the history, of well probably the entire world, that she knew off. That didn't mean that she wanted to talk to him, but she also knew she couldn't keep running and hiding from him. He was the only person she couldn't hide from, he was the only person that could see trough her eyes, even when they were closed, there was something so incredibly sexy and scary about that.

"How did you find me?" she asked in a low raspy voice barely audible

"Your are soaking wet" he said simply as he looked at the droplets pooling down at her feet

"Let me take you home you must be freezing ..." he said still standing down looking at her fighting the urge to pull her into his arms.

"I haven't been in a church in almost twelve years" she said looking at the large crucifix right in front of the huge beautiful church, he followed her gaze, feeling uneasy.

"I don't even think I am welcome here..." her voice sounded exhausted yet full of pain.

"Emily..." he said softly finally giving in and sitting down next to her

"When you left the office this afternoon...I have never been so scared in my life before..." Emily turned to look at him for a second question and confusion in her eyes, she shook her head knowingly and smirking.

"I not crazy Aaron, I am not going to kill myself" she said offended and maybe even hurt.

"I am not going to ask where you got the medication" he said referring to their earlier conversation

"But I need to know why did you even feel the need to..." he stopped not entirely sure how to continue, he looked at her again his glossy eyes full of fear, only a few times she had seen the stoic unit chief about to cry, her own eyes filled and she took a few steady breaths to calm herself down, Emily blinked the tears away taking a shaky breath and knowing that not matter what happened she had to be honest with him.

"About a year go we had this case..." she began not entirely sure how to explain how she was feeling

"The guy had been kidnaping girls and raping them... he was sliding their throats and leaving them there to die ..."

Hotch cringed at her words, child molesters were something that had always make him sick, probably one of the major reasons why he did what he did, he let her continued without interrupting her.

"When we got there he tried to use the girl as a shield to avoid being shot" Emily said wiping a few tears from her eyes and taking a deep breath "I tried to distract him by talking about his mother but he ended up..." her voice broke again and she was unable to continued but Hotch didn't need to hear the rest, he had killed the little girl in front of her.

"I am so sorry you that to witness that" he said taking her small cold hands into his, he had no idea that she had been holding that over her head for so long.

"Anyway" she continued blinking the tears away and looking down at her lap "I had really bad nightmares after that" She said ironically "For weeks and I just couldn't sleep... I was losing my mind and I knew I couldn't keep going like that, I was risking my sanity and the teams safety, ... the doctor prescribed me something for sleep..." Emily said softly looking at him again

"I never liked medication but for some reason it was the only thing that helped me sleep and not think...at all, it was like I could disconnect myself from all the pain and darkness I see every day "

Hotch closed his eyes so that was what it was, she was trying not think about what happened with Scratch, she was trying to numb the pain away. He reached out unable to stop himself, pulling her into his arms and holding her close.

"Sweetheart...Emily...please tell me what happened with Scratch" he begged "You need to talk about it, you can't keep going on like this..."

"I don't want to talk about it..." she mumbled still crying "I just I don't want to Aaron..."

"I know baby, but you are going to have to...you know that right? " he said wiping her tears away, she nodded and pull away from him some, looking up again, she wasn't quiet sure why she had gone there, she always hated churches

"Let me take you home, you can warm up and we can talk for a little bit okay?" Emily didn't say anything else but she let him pull her from the bench and lead her out of the church gently, his hand in the small of her back.

A few hours later Emily was sitting in her couch Indian style, staring out into space, to nothing in particular, the fireplace was on, and she soft cracking of the fire making her feel in sort of a third dimension. She had taken a long hot shower as she cried silently unable to hold it together any longer, she stood there crying for as long as she could, the hot water erasing any trace of her pain and the emptiness in her eyes. When she came out she only felt marginally better, she quickly changed into a pair of yoga pants and her FBI sweet shirt, when she came out into the living room Hotch was making tea by her stove, they hadn't really say much after he picked her up at the church.

He sat both mugs of tea in front of her coffee table and then he sank down into the couch, she followed him without saying anything, she knew it was time to talk, but she wasn't even sure what to say.

"I am not even sure where to start..." she said already shaking and losing her voice.

"Tell me what happened when you went home the night he took you..." his voice was gentle, he didn't want to sound demanding he just wanted to help her open up.

"Um, okay" she swallowed "Alina drop me off and Liam was there, we talked a little bit, I don't even remember about what" she said frowning, Hotch tensed up a bit, that stupid boyfriend of hers had the ability the get under his skin even by just hearing his name.

"Then he left and I went to take a shower..." she continued staring at the fire, her body already warming up and she could feel a little bit more relaxed.

"When I came out Sergio was acting weird...he was under the bed, and I knew something was wrong so I went to check and then...I dunno he must have hit me or drug me because everything went black..." she said closing her eyes and swallowing hard, he reached for her had grasping it gently letting her know that it was okay she was safe now and she could keep talking.

"When I woke up again, it wasn't here, I was in some sort of room resembling a hospital or something, um Scratch was there..." her voiced tightened but she continued talking

"He said I had been impaled, the pain in my ribs and stomach was so real... I could not move and I knew he had taken me to get to you..." Aaron hated the painful look in her eyes as she related the story to him, as much as he wanted her stop talking, he knew very well that she needed to talk. He remembered exactly what it did to him when refused to share what Scratch had done to him.

"I keep coming in an out of consciousness and I kept going into this sort of coma and having this weird dreams and –Hotch I really don't want to talk about this..." she whispered as she began to panic.

"You are okay sweetheart you know this is important..."

"Did he told you what he wanted?" he asked

"Um, yeah he wanted me tell him where your children where at...but I knew I couldn't so I kept stalling, I knew that eventually you will guys find me..." she said trustfully

"Then he started playing with my mind and my memories... he just kept digging he wouldn't leave it alone ..." she said Hotch frowned looking at her in confusion

"What do you mean?"

"He just... kinda made me dream, but they weren't actually dreams you know" she sniffled

"They were memories, my childhood, my mother...everything she did...all the stuff I fought so hard to forget..." she sobbed and covered her face. Hotch wrapped her in hug feeling anger rise up him, the bastard didn't think it was enough to psychically torture her, he had mentally torment her with what the memories that hurt her the most while she was a kid.

"Emily I am so sorry that you had to go trough all of that" but she just pulled away from him wiping her eyes and gaining her composure.

"After a while I started losing sense of what was real and what was not... I was afraid I will lose my mind..." she confessed "But I was mostly scared that I will tell him anything that could put you or the kids in danger..." and he just felt a little bit more in love with her right there.

"Then I woke up again and the only thing I remembered was the phone conversation and him firing a shot, I knew you guys were probably thinking I was dead so I had to figure out a way to get out of there..." she continued talking, her eyes looked empty and lost but Hotch just let her talk

"For some reason I was more conscious than before, I was fully aware of everything, and so I asked him to let me use the bathroom and he did..." she said swallowing again

"I thought that if I could see where I was maybe I could find a way to tell you guys...when I came out of the bathroom he had gone upstairs so I just followed him...and then he was sitting in this room that look like an office" Hotch nodded that sounded like the room they had found her at

"He then offered me a water bottle, and I didn't want to take it, but then he drank some water from it, so I took it and then..." she stopped talking and she closed her eyes unsure if she could continue or not

"You are doing okay" he encouraged rubbing his thumb along her cold hand

"He told me that he wanted to show me what people were capable of" she frowned trying to remember as much as she could but tears started clouding her eyes and memories and she stopped talking

"What is it?" Hotch asked her confused

"He said you killed Haley" her eyes full of tears now "I told him he was out of his mind and then he..." she chocked in her own tears "He show me some video of you talking to the director and arranging Haley's murder and then..."

Hotch watched her confused but then he understood, Scratch make Emily have a hallucination of Hotch himself had actually committed a crime, in this case hurting Haley. He knew that Scratch wasn't going to make Emily hallucinate about her being death, she will have seen right trough it, so instead of showing her how he killed her, or how he killed the team, he showed her something that threw her of guard and made her think Hotch himself was a murdered, that was smart, even for Scratch

But Emily was unable to continue, she covered her face with her hands and she cried softly, it pained him so much to see hear in so much agony, that he wished he could kill Scratch again.

"I didn't want to believe you have done something like that, but I was so angry and I never felt such a rage before...I don't even know how to explain..." she said in a voice Hotch could not recognize, and he wasn't even sure if what she was telling him now had been a delusion or it had been real.

"Then I don't remember what else he said from there...all I could remember was feeling overwhelmed by anger and this need to just destroy... you" her last words took him by surprise, it was like she wasn't longer talking and someone else was. Like suddenly she had been possessed by someone else.

"I had a gun in my hands and I just knew right then what I was going to do" she said her eyes were emptying now and as much he wanted to pull her into his arms, but he knew it was a very bad idea.

"The team came trough the doors and then...I don't remember much.. I just remember seeing you and I never felt so much hatred and disgust against you..." she sniffled

"You tried to talk to me but it didn't matter anymore, I had already made my mind... and then I watched you drop into the ground..." she sobbed "after I shot you, and I stood there with a satisfied grin watching as the light left your eyes and the drip of blood trailed down your face and I just... I just..." but then she couldn't talk anymore, she felt like she was chocking , the walls were closing again and suddenly everything was to much she just broke down sobbing uncontrollably.

Hotch didn't need to hear anything else he just pulled her into his arms running his hand gently over her hair, his own eyes feeling with tears, from anger and frustration, Scratch had gotten so deep into Emily's head that she fully believed she had attempted to kill him, hell the son of a bitch had actually make her kill him in her delusion, Scratch knew that the only way to destroy Emily was to make her thing she was a murdered too, so when he told her he was going to show her what humans were capable of, he wasn't talking about Hotch, he was talking about her, and he finally understood everything, Emily genuinely believed she had become a monster that day.

"Honey it was all a dream okay none of that was real" he said softly whispering into her hair

"He make me kill you Aaron, and you know what? I wanted to do it, he didn't held a gun to my head, I pulled that trigger because I wanted to..." she sobbed

"That was part of the delusion sweetheart, he wanted you to think it was you who did it, he wanted you to feel like you were a monster..."

"But I am" she sobbed "I still did it" she defended "Even when I knew what he was capable of doing..."

"Emily you didn't kill me, I am here standing next to you, and no you didn't want to kill me either...that was all the drugs, he made you see things, everything that you remember from that night was a dream... a hallucination he made you have..." he told her his own eyes begging to empty as he wiped her eyes

"You are the most amazing and kind person I have ever meet you are not a monster baby..." he vowed

"But I wanted to hurt you...that night"

"No you didn't" he said firmly "And you know how I know that?" he questioned wiping her cheeks and kissing her lips

"Because THIS is eating you alive baby" he told her simply tears running down his eyes

"It affected you so much that you felt the need to use a drug to forget this memories, because is not you...it never was Emily... and it never will be... that is why it hurts so much...that is the difference between you and him... he tried to break you and he couldn't so he made you believe you were like him, and that is why this is affecting you so much, because you are not a pad person baby" he said lovingly

"You are the most amazing woman I have ever met" he said meaningfully "You went trough all of this to save me and my kids... and this right here" he said softly reaching to touch her heart

"What you are feeling here is a huge amount guilt that wont let you sleep, that Emily is the biggest proof that you aren't a bad person... and you are the woman l love the most in this world and that is exactly why l love you so much...because even when he tried to destroy your soul, it affected your emotional health so much because is not apart of you are, you are a good person Emily, you are the bravest and most amazing human I have ever known" He held her once again, hoping that whatever this was finally over and she could overcome this, she just continued to cry in his arms, finally letting everything out.

Eventually her cries subside and all he could hear was the soft cracking of the fire, and her soft breathing, she was calm enough now. She was now laying on his lap, her eyes still closed, his fingers tangled in her hair combing her locks softly and making her feel more calm and relax. He didn't even know what time it is or how long they have been sitting there, all he knew was that she chad been crying for while, but she was finally able to let it all out, and he is glad that she did because this would have destroyed her, even if it broke his heart in half to know what Scratch did to her, but deep inside he knows that everything will be okay. A while later Emily finally stood up, giving him a brave smile, taking the tea mugs with her she was so tired she was sure she will drop to the ground and pass out. She didn't want to think anymore, not for tonight, she wanted to sleep, tomorrow will be another day, but for now she just needed this day to be over.

"I will get you some fresh towels and sheets for the guest room" she told Hotch setting the mugs in the sink.

"Emily that is not necessary I can go back to the hotel; I don't want to impose and you need to rest" Hotch said standing up getting ready to leave.

"You are not imposing Hotch and is one o'clock in the morning, is raining you aren't going anywhere with this weather" she pointed briefly glancing out the window, there was absolutely no way she was going to let him drive this late in that weather, she walked past him heading to the guest room but he stopped her grabbing her hand softly, making her turned to look at him.

"Promise me that you will never ever think about doing something like that again... the medication..." his voice was full of pain and sadness it broke her heart in half.

"I promise you" she said feeling some what ashamed, he just stood there looking at her, with those deep hazel eyes that once stole her breath away.

"Emily..." he wasn't sure what to say, I love you wasn't enough anymore, and it wasn't like words really matter right now. What he felt for her was stronger than anything else he had ever felt, so instead of talking, he pulled her close to him, watching her shocked eyes and he just kissed her.

The kiss was a soft and gentle one, yet full of meaning, her soft lips caressed his own like a sweet warm blanket, shielding him from his fears. He wrapped his arms around her waist and to prevent her from pulling away, but she didn't, she let him kiss her and even started reciprocating the kiss. It had been so long since the kissed like that, so intimately and passionately, and after two years he only realized what he already he knew, yes he still loved her so madly, and he will never be able to stop loving her, he didn't even think it was possible to love someone so much.

"Aaron" she said pulling away first and desperately trying to leave his arms "This isn't..." but his mouth was on hers again and his kisses silenced her one more time; holding her even closer than before. The kiss lasted as long as it could, until something stirred inside them.

"Hotch no stop!... we shouldn't..." She stated walking away from him and stopping in front of the chimney her back to him, this wasn't okay, this should not be happening right now.

"Maybe you should go back to the hotel after all..."

He didn't respond he just came closer to her, wrapping his arms around her from behind pulling her close to him again. He leaned down to kiss her neck tentatively, keeping his grip on her, Emily whimpered fighting against her own feelings.

"Aaron please..." she begged as he pressed tentative kisses against her neck and collarbone

"Tell me that you don't feel anything for me anymore and I will leave and never bother you again..." his whispered against her ear, his thick breath making her shiver and the moist between her legs growing each passing second.

"Just tell me that you don't love me anymore that is all I need to know..." he said again more firmly, Emily closed her eyes, intensely overwhelmed by the warmth of his lips, her feelings, perhaps the fire burning in front of her, her throat was closing around her and she wanted to run form him again.

He turned her around to face him and he could see the tears in her eyes starting to form again, there was also fear, but love nonetheless, Hotch knew that very well, he could see trough her soul, so instead of talking he just acted and crashed his lips against her again, much more passionately than had ever allowed himself to do.

Emily couldn't even put her thoughts together, maybe she didn't even want to anyway, instead she returned the kiss with the same passion and love. Maybe it was wrong, maybe she wasn't supposed to be doing this, they were both in relationships technically, even if Liam and her were over. She knew that Hotch probably going to leave Beth, but she couldn't bring herself to care, right now she didn't give a damn about what was right and what was wrong, for so long she had done exactly what was expected of her, for once in her life she was going to follow her heart even if it only meant having him for tonight.

So she let him pull her sweatshirt over hear head, and she let him assault her neck, his kisses were soothing, taking each small trace of pain away from her heart and her soul. Hotch wanted to pick her up in his arms and carry her into her bedroom but there was something so comforting about making love to her right there in front of the fire place, with no other barriers in between them. So he gently lowered her down into the soft fluffy carpet, kissing her softly and reaching up for a few the couch pillows and setting them down before propping her head on the top of them, while his lips trailed soft kisses across her chest, trough the sports bra.

"Aaron..." Emily whimpered softly, not wanting his lips to leave her mouth and undoing the rest of his shirt desperate to feel his broad chest again, the soft cracking of the fire filling her ears. His soft warm hand caressed her cheek, looking at her so intensely, his eyes full of desire, passion and adoration, and from that moment on nothing else mattered.

"I love so much my sweet girl..." he said before he kissed her again, and then he just stopped talking, all he cared about was just being with her like this. Together they work on getting their clothes off, Hotch was completely naked and Emily was done to her satin black panties, his expert callused fingers moved inside her panties making her gasp in pleasure throwing her head back.

"Oh... god..." she whimpered so softly we could barely hear her, then her hand joined his, and he guided her movements inside her until she is writhing, his mouth captured her nipple biting it softly and it was all it took to send her to the edge, she clenched around him with a shaking moan.

"Aaron...please..." she begged as he continued to rub gentle circles against her throbbing sensitive bud.

"What do you want baby" he asked huskily knowing exactly what she wanted

"You..." she gasped closing her eyes "I want you..." she pulled him close kissing him ardently she racked her nails against his hard chest going down until she reached his hard member, stocking him a few times, his soft moans and grunts making her even more wet. She then easily rolled them taking him into his back and straddling him with one sly movement, sinking into his erection unable to hold any longer.

"God baby..." he grunted , but she smiled at him so sexily, leaning down to kiss him, then she began to ride him slowly but steadily. His nails dug into her ass and he held her hips firmly helping her keep the steady pace. He allowed her take control for now, there was something very sexy about watching her ride him, as she closed her eyes in pleasure, the small gasp that escaped her mouth was like music to his ears, one of his favorite things to hear, was the sounds she made while they were making love.

A few minutes later he rolled them again, her back hitting the carpet and he sank deeper into her, rising up to his palms to keep eye contact with her. The small drops of sweat beginning to form and drip from her chest, the silhouette of the fire reflecting in their naked sweaty bodies, and it was so was much more perfect that had ever imagined. The rhythm was so slow almost agonizingly painful, yet so pleasurable and he was so ready to explode, yet he controlled himself pulling out of her for a second and kissing he passionately. Once he allowed himself a few seconds to regain his composure, he slid back inside her.

"Oh Aaron" she gasped kissing him again and digging her heels into his back guiding her deeper inside her. The pace was still slow and calm, this wasn't just about sex, it never was with Emily, it was so much than that, it always had been. Right now he wanted to make her feel the most exquisite creature on earth, he wanted to make her feel so loved and absolutely adored, so he prolonged this as much as he could, until they were both covered in sweat, and breathing erratically the warmth of the fire caressing their bodies and making this so much more intense.

When she finally climaxed it was one the one of the strongest orgasm she had ever experienced, her body was burning with passion and love, he collapsed on the top of her, unable to breath any longer, he only found enough strength to reach for the blanket draped over her couch and he covered their naked bodies with it, listening as both of their breathing even out. A few minutes later her eye lids grew heavy, and he just lay there holding her close to his chest, the gentle noise of her breathing tickling his chest, he knew that she was asleep and he didn't event dare to move, just like that he closed his eyes praying to God that her nightmare was finally over.

"To a woman sexual intimacy is more a tool to get mentally close to her partner than merely a means to physical pleasure."― Abhijit Naskar