Things start moving faster in the tower.

Bruce and Tony test and develop a tentative pain killer for Bucky before almost immediately packing up with the rest of the Avengers and heading off to raid the Sokovian Hydra base.

"The sedative should be enough to dull the pain," Bruce explains as he hands Steve a package of gel capsules and begins shutting down his lab. "There doesn't seem to be any extreme side-effects, but if there's a problem just give me a call or ask JARVIS."

Steve nods mutely at that and tries his best to stay out of the way while the other Avengers dart around in organised chaos, doing their best to prepare for the upcoming fight.

Bucky seems aware that something is off, and he sticks to Steve's side like glue, his eyes intently tracking the flurry of activity around them with an air of cautious confusion. For his part, Steve fights to keep from feeling guilty as he watches the Avengers pile into the quinjet and take off. He knows that they don't blame him for not coming, but it feels wrong anyways.

He desperately hopes that none of them get hurt while their gone, knowing that he'll probably blame any such injury on his absence and subsequent failure to protect them.

They have Sam and his upgraded Falcon suit, he reminds himself sternly as he and Bucky turn back into the common room. They're not going in short-handed.

That doesn't exactly make him feel better though, and after lunch he decides to take Bucky down to the gym so that he can work off some of his frustration.

Despite having previously shown the gym to Bucky, Steve doesn't think that his friend has actually visited the place, so he makes sure to show him around the various equipment once they arrive.

"You can use whatever you want in here," he says as he begins to wrap his hands. "I'll be working on the punching bags. Tony's modified them so that they're strong enough for super soldiers." As he heads to where the bags are hanging and winds up to take a swing, he quietly hopes that Bucky will take some initiative in choosing something to work on, instead of staring at him blankly.

At first it seems as though Bucky's going to do just that, but after watching Steve for a few minutes he seems to come to a decision and squares his shoulders before making his way to one of the treadmills lined up along the wall.

Steve feels some tension unwind from his shoulders at that, and he's able to fully focus on the swinging bag in front of him.

The bag is sturdy, thanks to Tony, and he doesn't have to worry about holding back as he strikes the bag, letting the world around him fade out of focus a little as he falls into the rhythm of it.

The sounds of him hitting the bag and Bucky's feet on the treadmill blend together in his ears as he works himself into a sweat. Thanks to his serum it's harder to tire himself out, harder to reach his limits, harder to feel… better.

It's only when sweat blurs his vision that he's forced to stop and wipe his face, his chest heaving and his fists stinging from such an intense work out. The sharp focus that pervades his workout cuts out and he's abruptly reminded of the passage of time and of Bucky's pounding feet on the treadmill.

He whips around to see Bucky dutifully jogging away on the machine, his face blank and his eyes fixed on some distant point in front of him.

Almost as if he senses Steve's gaze, Bucky's eyes refocus and dart to his own, and upon seeing his inactivity he stops as well, stepping off the treadmill and clasping his hands behind his back with an expectant look, his shirt and hair damp with sweat.

Steve stares back at him and has to push down a sudden rush of guilt that threatens to swamp him. His breath catches and he reaches up to wipe his face with his arm, the stinging in his hands growing more pronounced the longer he stands still.

Bucky had been exercising as long as he had.

Bucky would have kept going if he hadn't stopped— Bucky was doing the exact same thing he was doing.

Steve swallows and looks away, his limbs heavy with exhaustion.

He'd known, of course, that prolonged sessions in the gym probably isn't the best coping mechanism, JARVIS had implied such plenty of times, but somehow, it feels… worse this way.

Watching Bucky copy him, probably because he felt compelled to work as hard as his handler, makes it a lot harder to justify his actions as 'simply training' or 'a result of his super serum'.

His hands shake slightly as he unwraps them and he tries not to wince at the light spots of red that dot the bandages. That probably isn't good either.

"Come on," he says roughly to Bucky, unable to look him in the eye. "Let's go."

Bucky's gaze seems especially heavy as they leave the gym.

After they've showered and eaten something to make up for lost calories, Steve finds himself sitting on his couch, Bucky at his side and his journal in his lap.

His next session with Jason is coming up soon and he still needs to finish the homework assignment he'd been given.

Keep a list of your PTSD symptoms and triggers. Steve presses his lips together and fiddles with his pen. He knows the symptoms of PTSD, so maybe it will be simpler to write them down and then write their specific triggers next to them.

Okay, so symptoms:

· Re-living the event

· Hyperarousal

· Avoidance

· Feeling worse about self and world

Steve's tongue presses into the roof of his mouth as he looks over his list. Okay, so those are the symptoms, but maybe he should write down how those symptoms manifest for him specifically. He grimaces a little at the thought because doing so means that he's going to have to actually examine his own behavior and acknowledge what parts of it point towards PTSD.

That's probably the whole point of this, he thinks a little sardonically before gritting his teeth and getting started.

Re-living the event. Okay, so… nightmares probably fit in there. And… Steve taps his pen against his journal and thinks uncomfortably back to the first time he'd encountered fireworks, and other snippets of things—smells, sounds, sayings—that send him reeling back into a buried memory, and scribbles the word flashbacks as well.

He's not really sure if there's other ways of re-living something, so he moves on to the next bullet point.

Hyperarousal counts towards his constant anxiety and hyperawareness. Also, probably his short temper— it isn't always a problem, but he's finding that stress makes him irritated, especially when he feels his concerns are not being taken seriously.

He debates putting down paranoia for a while before ultimately deciding against it. It's not exactly paranoia if the bad guys are actually out to get you, at least, not in his opinion.

Avoidance is probably the hardest one, because he doesn't exactly want to acknowledge that particular behavioral trait, but eventually he concedes that he often exercises and tries to focus on other people's problems, rather than deal with his own.

Avoidance probably also has to do with the amount of time he spends carefully not thinking about things, in an effort to avoid any kind of unpleasant memory or flashback.

Next is feeling worse about yourself and the world, and that one brings him up short. He's not… sure what to do with that one. He can still remember when he first woke up, how new everything had been – things people didn't even think about, like the taste of toothpaste – and how disheartening it had been to learn how things had and hadn't changed.

He doesn't… he doesn't know how he feels about the world. At times it feels as though nothing has changed or gotten better, and that it was pointless to even try… but often, things feel less so, especially since he's moved into the tower and has had a chance to be surrounded by the other Avengers, it's easier to deal with the world with them around.

He decides to leave that point for now, choosing to focus on his specific triggers for each symptom.

Cold is an easy trigger to identify and could probably fit under each symptom respectively, and Hydra and Nazism are just as easy to pick out, and Steve's mouth twists a little as he's reminded that both of those things are somehow still issues now, 70 years later.

He writes down fireworks and flashing lights as well before sitting back and trying to think of what else he could put on the list.

His eyes skitter over Bucky and he thinks back to how he felt watching the Avengers leave, before quietly writing down one more thing.

Feeling helpless.

oOo

The tower is quiet without the Avengers, even though they keep in touch as often as possible.

From their reports, taking down the Sokovian base hadn't been too much of a challenge, but Tony had discovered some sort of shady business going on with some of his former weapons, so he was busy cleaning that up while the rest of them sift through the Hydra intel left in the base.

Steve's glad that no one has gotten hurt, but their prolonged absence means that he has to leave Bucky alone in the tower during his next session with Jason. It's scheduled after lunch again, and Steve is sure to give Bucky his pain medication before getting ready to go.

"I have to go to a… to a doctor's appointment," he tells Bucky, fiddling nervously with the cuffs of his leather jacket as he speaks. "I should be gone for about an hour and a half." He swallows and licks his lips. "You're free to do whatever you want in the tower as long as you don't get hurt. If you need anything, ask JARVIS."

Bucky stands with his hands behind his back and nods his head, his eyes darting around slightly. "Confirmed," he says tensely.

Steve nods along too and tries to calm his nerves before turning to leave the tower.

Bucky should be fine, he wasn't incompetent, and JARVIS would keep an eye on him. But this would be the first time he'd been left completely alone in the tower, and Steve desperately hopes that nothing goes wrong while he's gone.

Inside his jacket, his journal with his updated list of triggers presses into his side as he swings himself onto his motorcycle and sets off towards the Manhattan VA centre. The wind from the ride tugs and pulls at his jacket and he very consciously tries to keep his mind on the road, and not on the tower slowly fading into the distance behind him.

His hands are sweaty by the time he arrives, and his chest feels uncomfortably tight as he parks and makes his way into the building, offering a strained smile to the receptionist as he signs in and sits down to wait to be called in.

He wipes his hands on his pants and fights to keep from tapping his foot against the floor.

It's going to be fine, he thinks sharply at himself. You have nothing to worry about.

His journal presses into his side.

Jason smiles at him warmly as he ushers him inside and Steve tries to breathe in deeply as he sits down and sets the pillow on the floor beside him like last time.

"How have you been?" Jason asks as he settles himself in the opposite chair, his notepad in his lap.

Steve swallows and looks away. "I…" He's not sure how to answer that. He's had a few… incidents in the past week that weren't so great, but he's not sure if they are a big enough deal to bring up now and besides, generally he's been fine. "I worked on your assignment," he says finally.

Jason nods. "That's good. What did you come up with?"

Steve reaches into his jacket, hating how his stomach swoops as he brings out his journal. "I wrote down a list," he says, handing the book over to Jason. "The… the symptoms are first, and then the triggers are… are listed after."

Steve reminds himself to breathe and knots his hands together in his lap as Jason looks over his list.

"It seems you've put quite a lot of thought into this," Jason says after a moment, looking up and giving him a smile. "Do you mind if I ask you a few questions about it?"

Steve mutely shakes his head and Jason lays the journal down on the table between them so that they can both see the text. Steve already has the whole thing memorised; he'd read it over often enough times while revising and updating it, but his eyes glance down to read it anyways.

Symptoms and Triggers:

• Re-living the event: Nightmares, flashbacks

o Triggers: Fireworks, flashing lights, broken glass, burning wood, cold, Hydra, mud

• Hyperarousal: Irritation, over-exercising, over-working, anxiety, panic attacks, hyperawareness

o Triggers: Fireworks, Hydra, Nazism, helplessness, cold, politics, the war

• Avoidance: Over-working, focusing on others, over-exercising

o Triggers: Cold, helplessness, Hydra, anxiety, guilt, tiredness, the war

• Feeling worse about self and world:

o Triggers: Helplessness, (stupid) politics, tiredness

Jason taps on the words 'focusing on others'. "I was wondering if you could tell me more about this one," he says.

Steve sucks in a breath and slouches a little in his chair. "So that one…" He clears his throat. "That one, it's not a new thing. Bucky used to always tell me I was too self-sacrificing for my own good…"

He turns his head to look out the window. "Even during the war, I… I usually tried to, help other people cope, try to take care of them first because…" He swallows and keeps his gaze pinned unseeingly on the window. "It's easier to do that than think about the kinds of stuff I was going through."

His gaze shifts back to Jason and he sees him nod. "That's not uncommon," he says gently. "People are often more willing to help others, than help themselves and… sometimes, it feels like, if we help enough people, it will somehow make up for how we're feeling inside, make up for some past mistake or give us some peace of mind."

A lump rises in Steve's throat and he nods.

"Sometimes helping others can be helpful for us too," Jason continues. "But it's important to balance our needs with the needs of others. Ignoring your own needs or mental health in the favour of somebody else's isn't healthy, and in that case, it's okay to take a step back and say, 'I need a break' or 'I can't do that right now'."

Jason lets that sink in for a moment before he shifts and crosses his legs under his notepad. "What do you think about that?" He asks.

Steve breathes in and crosses his legs as well, a part of him itching to reach down and grab onto the pillow that he'd discarded. "That… that makes sense in my head," he says slowly. "But I don't know how good I'd be at it in real life."

Jason tilts his head slightly. "What do you mean?"

"I… it just… doesn't feel like I can actually do that," Steve says, his hands twisting together in his lap. "Like, even today, if I decided I 'couldn't do it', there's no one else in the tower who could take care of Bucky. All the other Avengers are on a mission right now."

Jason nods seriously at that. "You're right," he says, "Sometimes we have responsibilities that we can't ignore, but that's why it's important to stay in balance before those times, so that we're able to handle the more difficult times." He taps his pen against his paper. "Would you say you're primarily the one taking care of Bucky right now?"

Steve nods. "He's with me pretty much all the time. The only times he hasn't been is when I'm here."

Jason's head bobs a little as he thinks and he writes something down on his pad. "I imagine that's probably a lot of responsibility for you," he says.

Steve swallows and looks away. "I don't mind helping Bucky, I want to help him, but sometimes… it can be a little overwhelming."

Jason offers him a small smile. "I'm sure it is," he says softly. "And I'm sure you want to help Bucky as much as you can, but it's important for you to stay mentally healthy too and spending all of your energy on Bucky won't allow you to do that."

He shifts a little in his seat and crosses his other leg. "I know the Avengers are gone right now, but do you think they would be willing to help you when they come back?"

Steve tilts his head as he thinks and shrugs. "Probably? They've already helped out with Bucky a little before."

Jason smiles. "That's good. It's important for you to have a support system in place while you're doing this." He rests his elbow on the arm of his chair and leans forward. "What do you think about asking them to look after Bucky for a few hours a week, be it training in the gym or taking a walk or watching a movie with him, so that you can have some time to yourself?"

Steve rolls his shoulders uncomfortably and looks back to the windows as he thinks. "I… guess… I could at least ask them," he says slowly. "See what they think."

Jason nods along with him and gives him an encouraging smile. "If they aren't willing or aren't able to do that, then we can think of something else," he says before shifting in his seat. "In the meantime, I wanted to ask you what you know about self-care."

Steve leans back in his chair and tilts his head. "I'm… I don't think I know much about that," he says hesitatingly.

Jason's eyes are warm, and he smiles gently. "That's okay," he says easily. "I wanted to talk to you about it because having the Avengers help you with Bucky is an aspect of self-care and that, along with other things, can help you stay balanced and in a good place to help both yourself and Bucky."

Steve breaths in and relaxes into his chair. "Okay, so, I imagine self-care is… taking care of yourself."

The skin around Jason's eyes crinkles as he smiles and leans back. "In its most basic form, yes," he says, before flipping his notebook over to a blank page and drawing a large circle.

"Self-care is different aspects of your life that, when kept in balance, help you be as healthy as possible," he explains as he draws. "There are many different aspects and different coping strategies, but for today I think we'll focus on a few basic ones." Steve nods silently and watches as Jason starts dividing the circle into sixth. "Right now, I'm just drawing a 'self-care circle'," he explains. "To help us visualise what we're talking about."

He starts labeling the six sections. "In our self-care circle, I'm putting: Nutrition, Sleep, Exercise, Social Support, Hygiene and Relaxation," he says as he writes. "There are, of course, other things we could add, but these are the basics."

He turns the circle to Steve and starts to explain each aspect of the diagram. "Nutrition is our diet, it's more than calories, it's also the type of food and regularity that we eat," he says, before pointing at the next wedge. "Sleep is more than just getting enough sleep, it's about how often and how restful it is, and too much sleep isn't good either. It's all about balance."

His finger moves to the next section. "Exercise is about balance too, too much or too little isn't good." He taps 'Social Support'. "This is the people around us, how good they are for us and whether we reach out to them."

His finger taps on 'Hygiene'. "Hygiene is how we take care of our self and our environment. This includes caring for our self as well as cleanliness," he explains before moving on to the last wedge. "And relaxation is our down time, what we do for fun, and whether we get sufficient alone time and rest."

He looks up at Steve. "Everyone's needs are different, so everyone's self-care circles are different. Right now," he lifts up the pad and offers it to Steve. "I want you to write a number in each of these categories, 1 being the worse, and 10 being the best, on how you think you're doing on these aspects of your health."

Steve takes the pen and paper and looks down at the circle, swallowing nervously.

"It's okay if you're not doing very well on them yet," Jason says gently. "This exercise is only to help us know where to start."

Steve nods and looks back down at the diagram.

Nutrition… he's doing… better, now that he has Bucky to think about as well, but if he didn't have Bucky then he probably would be worse off, and he thinks it's probably important to be able to motivate himself to eat properly rather than do so as an unavoidable side-effect of helping someone else. He writes down a five.

Sleep, he almost laughs. That one is not going well most nights. He writes down a two.

Exercise… he already knows he has trouble with that one. He writes down a three.

For social support, he writes down a seven. The Avengers, Tony and Sam especially, have been very helpful to him, but it seems he's going to have to reach out to them more.

At first, he doesn't really think that hygiene is a problem for him, since he keeps both himself and his rooms clean easily enough, and he almost simply writes a nine and moves on, but then he remembers his most recent session in the gym and the spots of red that had dotted his hand wraps.

Hygiene apparently included how you took care of yourself. His mouth twists and he settles for a six.

For relaxation… he taps his pen. He's actually not very good at that right now. He spends most of his time working or taking care of Bucky. He writes down another two.

His cheeks heat slightly with embarrassment as he hands the pad back to Jason and sits in silence while the man reads over his work.

Once he's finished Jason looks up and gives Steve a gentle smile. "Would you mind if I made a copy of this?" He asks. "That way we can both have one."

Steve shakes his head and Jason gets up and leaves the room for a moment, coming back with a sheet of paper still warm from the printer.

"From what you've written down," he says as he hands over Steve's copy. "You seem to be having difficulty in most of these areas."

Steve nods and sets the paper carefully on his lap.

Jason gives him another smile. "That's okay," he says easily. "We can work on that. I think if we can work on managing your PTSD symptoms, then these numbers will start balancing out." He taps the self-care circle and Steve feels some of the tension in his stomach uncurl.

It's… comforting knowing that there's hope to get better.

"It's not always going to be easy," Jason cautions. "I like to think of improving your mental health and going to therapy as a lot like healing from an injury and going to physical therapy. There's going to be days that hurt, and days where you're exhausted afterwards and maybe would rather not go back because what you're doing is hard work."

He leans forward and gives Steve an intense but reassuring look. "As with healing from a physical injury, things take time and sometimes it feels as if nothing is getting better. But it's important to keep going anyways, because in the end, things do get better."

Steve nods solemnly at that. Although he heals from physical injuries quite quickly thanks to the serum, he can still appreciate the metaphor. "So… mental… illness, is similar to a physical injury?"

Jason gives him a pleased smile and sits back. "Exactly," he says, before tapping Steve's list of triggers and symptoms. "And the difficulties and triggers we have because of mental illness aren't signs of weakness, they're simply symptoms of a problem. Like pain receptors meant to warn us of an injury."

He clasps his hands in his lap. "Of course, as with physical injuries, we sometimes don't heal perfectly, or heal to be the same as we were before, but that doesn't mean we can't get better."

Steve looks down at the self-care circle in his lap. "How do I do that?" He asks.

His question triggers an immediate smile on Jason's face. "We'll start by taking a look at these symptoms and triggers," he says, gesturing to the journal laid out on the table. "There's steps you can take to help manage them and keep them from getting overwhelming."

He taps the words 'focusing on others' again. "We've already talked a little about what you can do here, and of course, we can continue to do so over our sessions." He looks up at Steve. "But since our time is almost up, I wanted to leave you a few other tools to try for this." His finger moves to the word 'anxiety' and he sits back.

"How does your anxiety affect you?" He asks.

oOo

Therapy really does take a lot out of you, Steve thinks tiredly as he returns to the tower and parks his bike in the underground garage.

He and Jason had spent the remainder of his time talking about symptoms of anxiety (because apparently anxiety also has symptoms and triggers) and discussing various methods to handle it.

"These tools won't necessarily completely stop or prevent your anxiety," Jason had explained. But they will help you be able to recognise your symptoms and do something about them."

Honestly anything that helps, even a little bit is welcome, because Steve's current method of dealing with it is either, try to ignore it, or find some sort of mission or punching bag to focus on.

Seeing as how all three of those options are less desirable methods of coping, he's going to have to figure something else out.

He's busy going over Jason's breathing recommendations and grounding techniques when the elevator interrupts him, the doors pulling open to reveal his front door. He shifts his journal to his other hand and feels a wave of relief flow through him as he opens the door to his rooms.

Despite what Jason says about balancing his time with Bucky, he still feels better knowing that he's back in the tower, and that Bucky is no longer alone.

Although, if I need 'alone time', Bucky probably needs that too, right? He thinks as he enters, automatically wiping his feet and going to hang up his jacket.

It's then when his mind kicks in and he freezes.

It's too quiet.

He should be able to hear Bucky moving around in the living room, his breathing, something.

His heart skips a beat before doubling in pace and his eyes dart around the small hallway, sweeping up towards the living room. "Bucky?" He calls, a wave of adrenalin shooting through him, making his hands sweat and the back of his neck prickle.

Silence greets him.

AN: *evil laugh* So, theories?

Meanwhile Steve is doing his best, but he's still got a ways to go.