Spawn - Shelby's last cigarette was before Leroy gave her the patches and the gum, I'm sorry if that wasn't clear. She keeps telling herself that she can have one 'later' but when 'later' comes around she makes an excuse and decides to have one even 'later' only to put it off again when that time comes, I hope that makes sense!
The principal at Carmel frowned slightly as his computer alerted him to the fact he had an appointment in ten minutes. That in itself wasn't unusual, it happened several times a day, but what confused him was that the notification said his appointment was with Shelby Corcoran. Shelby wasn't the sort of woman who'd make an appointment, her approach was usually to walk into his office and refuse to leave until she got what she wanted.
"Ms Corcoran, take a seat please" he gestured to the chairs opposite him after a gentle knock alerted him to her presence, something else that surprised him, he didn't think she'd ever knocked before. He took a brief moment to look at the woman in front of him, frowning again as he realised that she seemed different somehow, the fact she hadn't said anything, hadn't even made eye contact since she sat down worried him slightly, "what can I do for you?"
"I…" Shelby offered him a brown envelope, "I'd like to step down as VA coach" she said, sounding smaller than he'd ever known her before.
Now the principal really was confused and he opened the envelope, scanning over the letter, noticing Shelby stated 'personal reasons' for why she wanted to step down, and mentioned that she'd be happy to stay on until another coach could be found, "is this a temporary step down or a permanent one?"
Shelby sighed, "I think it has to be permanent. I couldn't… I don't think I'd be able to tell you if, or when I'd be able to take over the post again and that isn't fair on whoever takes over."
"Can I ask why you want to step down?" he asked, "confidentially of course" he could tell something bigger was going on with the woman in front of him and wanted to know if there was anything he could do.
"I've had a few days off recently" Shelby told him, another thing that had worried the man, until recently Shelby had never taken a sick day before, "and I haven't been honest about the nature of my absences."
"What do you mean?"
Shelby kept her gaze fixed on her lap, picking at the skin around her fingernails, "I've been struggling with my mental health for a long time now, I thought I was coping but I don't think I was. I… The three days I took off a couple of weeks ago, everything just seemed to fall apart around me with no warning and I, I think I was very lucky that a relative found me when they did. And on Friday, I didn't have a migraine, I don't really remember much but I've been told I had a panic attack on Thursday evening and I was still struggling the next morning. It's selfish but I don't think I can cope with the stress of coaching VA on top of everything else. They need a coach who can give their all to their practice and I'm afraid that I can't do that right now."
Shocked was an understatement and the principal stood, walking around his desk to sit beside Shelby, "admitting that you need to step back and take care of yourself is not selfish Shelby. It takes a strong person to be able to say 'I'm struggling and I need to take a step back and focus on my own wellbeing' and I appreciate you being honest with me about your mental health. Is there anything I, as your boss, or we, as a school, can do to make things easier?"
Shelby shook her head, "I erm, I've been seeing a therapist and I'm taking medication, I don't…" she sighed and shrugged, not even sure how she planned on finishing that sentence, not even sure if she should have admitted that to the principal.
"Do you need time off for your appointments?" The man frowned, wondering how he'd missed this, how Shelby had somehow managed to completely fall apart without anyone noticing.
She shook her head, "they're after school, but thank you."
"Well if that needs to change then you just let me know." He saw Shelby nod and asked her, "do you remember I took some time off at the end of the last academic year?" Shelby nodded again, she'd heard rumours and gossip about why the vice principal had suddenly taken over his job but she didn't pay much attention to them, was never really one for gossip. "It's not common knowledge, and I'd like it to stay that way, but I took the time off to support my family, and I needed to support my family because my oldest daughter was having inpatient treatment for her mental health, she was self harming and she was bulimic. Mental illnesses aren't uncommon Shelby, and they're nothing to be ashamed of. I won't name names obviously, but off the top of my head, I can think of at least three other staff members who take medication to help with their mental health, and there are probably several more I don't know about." He paused for a moment to get his thoughts in order, "what I'm trying to say is, mental illness affects a lot of people, if not personally then because it affects someone they know or love. Don't be ashamed of asking for help if you need it. If you're struggling Shelby, try and find the strength to reach out for someone. We'll be there for you for as long as you need us to be."
Shelby made her way to her office after she'd finished talking to the principal, there were still 20 minutes before her next class but she was exhausted, it wasn't even lunchtime yet and all she wanted to do was crawl back into bed. She was trying, felt like she spent every day trying to haul her weary body up a cliff face but she wasn't getting anywhere, if anything she felt like she was falling, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop herself.
She knew she'd promised herself a cigarette during her free period, but, as much as she wanted one, she didn't have the energy to walk the short distance out to the parking lot, so she dug her gum from her bag and put a piece in her mouth, 'lunchtime' she told herself, 'you can have a cigarette at lunchtime' she said, laying her head on her desk as she chewed the gum, wishing she could spend the rest of the day asleep.
Luckily her lesson plans for the rest of the morning involved her students getting on with work they'd already started, meaning Shelby didn't have to stand up and actually 'teach' anything, she just had to make sure they were getting on with their work and help anyone who had any questions or who was struggling.
She silently cursed the boy who stayed behind to ask questions after the lunch bell rang, but did her best not to let it show, being patient and calm as she answered his queries and explained what he wanted to know, "sorry" she apologised when she heard her phone vibrate in her bag, she wasn't sorry, in fact she was grateful for the interruption. "I need to get that, so why don't you write down the rest of your questions and we can go through them next time?" she suggested.
"That's a great idea" the boy grinned, "thanks Miss C" he said as he bounded from the room.
She briefly thought about ignoring her phone once he'd left but then remembered the conversation she'd had with her daughter that morning, quickly answering the call when she saw Rachel's name flashing on the screen. "Hey Mom."
"Hi" Shelby gathered her things together, "can I call you back in a couple of minutes?"
"Oh" she could almost hear the frown in Rachel's voice, "if now isn't a good time we can just talk at home and…"
"Rachel" Shelby interrupted gently, "now is fine, but I got talking to a student after class ended and I'm still in my classroom, I just want to call you back in a couple of minutes when I'm in my office."
"Oh, okay, as long as you're sure it's okay."
"I wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't Rachel" Shelby told her, "I'll be five minutes, probably not even that. I promise."
"Okay, I love you Mom"
Shelby smiled as she picked up her bag, "I love you too Rachel" she replied before ending the call and heading towards her office. She locked the door to be sure she wouldn't be interrupted and slipped off her blazer, kicking her shoes off under her desk, making herself comfortable in her chair before she called her daughter back, Rachel answering after the second ring, "how are you doing?" she asked softly, not wanting Rachel to feel like she had to talk about her appointment but wanting her to know that it was okay if she did.
"I'm okay" Rachel nodded as she sat in the empty choir room, "my appointment went well, we spoke about a few things, schools stuff and stuff with my dads, I think I'm going to have a few more sessions with her."
"That's really good Rachel, I'm glad it went well for you."
"Me too, and I, well, I wanted you to know it was okay, I didn't want you to worry about me."
"I don't want you to worry about me either, it doesn't stop you".
Luckily Rachel recognised the playful tone to Shelby's voice, "touché, well I didn't want you worrying that it had gone badly it that I was struggling with anything, the appointment went well and I'm okay."
"I'm glad to hear it Rach, I really am."
The afternoon passed quickly and before Shelby knew it, she was preparing herself to tell her show choir that she wasn't going to be coaching them any longer, not entirely sure how they'd react. She took a breath, trying to steady her nerves, trying to summon Coach Corcoran as she stood up in front of the group of teens, "I spoke to the principal this morning" she told them, "and I wanted you to hear this from me before any rumours begin circulating through the school. I've handed in my resignation as your coach, I'll be staying until a replacement is found, but then I'll be stepping down."
There was a shocked murmur between the teens before someone finally asked, "why?"
"I have some things going on in my personal life" she told them, "and I need to take some time to work through those. I don't feel like I can give you all the time and support that you deserve, you all work so hard and you deserve a coach who puts the same amount of energy into rehearsals as you do, and right now, I can't give you that, as much as I want to, I can't be as dedicated to Vocal Adrenaline as I need to be, and that isn't fair on you."
"Will you be coming back?" one of the seniors asked, despite her reputation, the team were fond of Shelby, she might be tough in rehearsals but she was always fair, never pushed them past what she knew they were capable of, and outside of rehearsals she was always there. They'd always been able to depend on her, knew they'd always be able to turn to her if they ever needed anything.
"I don't know" she said honestly, "I think it's unlikely, and if I do return, it won't be for a while, it definitely won't be this year." There was silence from the group, "if there's no more questions then let's get something done, you know what we're working on, so get in your places."
She was exhausted by the end of rehearsal, glad that the routine they were practicing was fairly polished that she didn't need to demonstrate anything, she could just sit at the director's table and give instructions. And as she cleared her things into her bag after her students left, she briefly considered calling Hiram or Leroy, she knew she was far too tired to be driving home but she didn't want to put anyone out, she'd make herself a coffee in the staff lounge before she left and then she'd go straight to bed when she got home and hope that she felt better tomorrow.
Hiram and Leroy shared a look when they saw Shelby had fallen asleep in the chair, it wasn't the first time she'd fallen asleep after work but she usually managed to at least get changed first, today she hadn't even taken her shoes off and her bag was at the side of the chair, almost as if she'd fallen asleep as soon as she'd sat down.
Leroy looked to his husband, "what do we…"
Hiram shrugged, "get her to try and eat something when she wakes up and suggest she mentions it in her appointment tomorrow?"
"Do you think she's sleeping at night?"
Hiram shrugged again, "Rachel's spent the past couple of nights with her, she hasn't said anything."
"Maybe Rachel hasn't noticed, if she falls asleep first?"
"Maybe" Hiram nodded, "I'll talk to her when she wakes up."
"Shelby? Or Rachel."
"Shelby, and I might, I might see if I can leave work early tomorrow, give her a bit of moral support at her appointment, even if I just wait in the car, I'll be able to drive her home too."
Leroy nodded, "she's been coming back quite upset, it wouldn't be a bad thing if she wasn't driving."
"Yeah" Hiram sighed, "that's what I thought."
Rachel and her fathers had already eaten by the time Shelby woke, frowning slightly as she too realised she'd fallen asleep before taking her shoes off. She kicked off her heels and sighed, running her fingers through her hair before slowly opening her eyes, "sorry" she mumbled when she saw Leroy sat on the couch.
"You don't need to apologise Shelby, are you okay?"
She yawned, "tired apparently."
He smiled sadly, "you slept through dinner, why don't I make something for you and then you can have an early night."
"I'll make something" Shelby told him, "and I want to talk to Rachel before bed, I erm, I stepped down as Vocal Adrenaline's coach today, I want her to hear it from me."
"That makes sense" Leroy nodded, watching as Shelby pushed herself to her feet, "careful" he saw her stumble, jumping to his feet and putting his hands on her waist to steady her.
"Sorry" Shelby rubbed at her temple, briefly closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, it wasn't the first time she'd felt lightheaded, had the edges of her vision blur when she'd stood but it was the first time it had happened in front of anyone else. She knew what it was, she'd barely eaten at breakfast, and her phone call with Rachel meant that she hadn't eaten at lunch either and now she'd slept through dinner.
"Sit down" Leroy said softly, carefully guiding Shelby back into the chair, "I'll get you something to eat."
Shelby nodded, "thank you."
"We had seafood pasta, is that okay or would you prefer something else?" Shelby bit her lip. She wasn't really a fan of seafood but she didn't want to put Leroy out, "Shelby, I've lost count of the times I've made different meals for the three of us, if you don't want that then I have no problem making you something else" it was as if he'd read her mind.
"I don't really like seafood" she said honestly.
"Okay" Leroy smiled, "I'll see what I can rustle up."
Hiram looked up from the drinks he was making when Leroy came into the room. "Okay?"
Leroy nodded, "Shelby's awake, but she almost fell over when she tried to stand up so I said I'd make her something."
"Okay" Hiram nodded, "want me to warm her some leftovers?"
"She doesn't like seafood" Leroy said as he took out some bread, "I thought I'd make her some avocado toast, she seemed to enjoy it when Rachel made it the other day and it's quick and easy, and not overwhelming for her. If she's still hungry afterwards I'll make her something else."
"Okay" Hiram took out a third mug, "I'll make her some tea."
"She'll be okay Hiram" Leroy gently reached out to stroke his husband's arm, "we'll make sure of it."
"Hey" Hiram smiled softly as he handed Shelby her tea, "are you feeling better after getting some sleep?"
Shelby ran her index finger around the rim of her mug, "I wish I could say yes but I think I'm just going to speak to Rachel when I go upstairs then have a quick shower and go to bed, I feel so lethargic, I don't know if I'm coming down with something or…"
"Or… ?"
Shelby sighed, "I know I'm not eating enough, but I, I just don't have an appetite."
"That can be common with depression" Hiram told her, "but maybe you should mention it at your appointment tomorrow, or make an appointment to see your doctor to talk about it."
Shelby nodded, "I'll mention it tomorrow she promised, "I should probably make an appointment to see my doctor anyway."
"Okay" Hiram reached out to gently squeeze Shelby's hand as Leroy carried a tray into the room, "you'll let us know if there's anything we can do won't you."
"Yeah" Shelby nodded as she put down her tea, "I will."
Shelby forced herself to eat both the avocado toast and the small bowl of fruit Leroy had prepared for her before saying goodnight to the two men and making her way upstairs to speak to her daughter.
Rachel had finished her homework by the time Shelby knocked on her door, so, after speaking for a few minutes, they decided to talk in bed once Shelby had showered and changed.
"I resigned as VA coach today" Shelby said once they were both in her bed, Rachel, as always, tucked into her side, "I wanted you to hear it from me."
Rachel lifted her head to look at her Mom and frowned slightly, "what? Why would you do that? Vocal Adrenaline are a very talented group, although as their competition I have to say that some of their performances are lacking…"
"Rachel" Shelby smiled as she interrupted, "how about you let me answer your question before you start criticising the show choir that I coach?" she raised an eyebrow.
Rachel bit her lip, "sorry."
"It's okay. But I did it because, you're right, VA are very talented, but that talent comes with a lot of pressure and expectations, they're expected to do well and not only does that put a lot of pressure and stress on me, it takes an effort and an energy that I don't think I can provide right now and that's not fair to them, if they're giving it their all and I can't do the same. And I know how stressed I get around competitions, and right now, I don't know how, or even if, I'd deal with that stress, so, at least until I'm in a better place, I think it's better if I don't put myself in that situation."
Rachel nodded," that seems sensible, and I, I'm glad you aren't forcing yourself to carry on doing it, especially if you don't think it's going to be good for you."
"I think that at one point I would have, I would have felt, I guess in a way I still do feel like I'm letting them down, but I…" she took a deep breath, "things are different now, I've got you and I, I guess I'm starting to realise that I need to put myself first."
"You do" Rachel agreed, "and that's okay Mom, it's okay to put yourself first."
Shelby didn't know how to reply to that so she simply kissed Rachel's hair and asked, "how was your day?" giving Rachel the opportunity to talk about her therapy session if she wanted, but allowing her to just talk about school if she wanted to.
Rachel had been a little apprehensive about talking to her Mom about her meeting with her therapist, but once she started she couldn't stop herself, telling her Mom all about her appointment.
"I'm glad your Dads made you an appointment" Shelby said once Rachel had finished talking, "it's good for you to have someone you can unload to, someone who can help you make sense of everything" one of Shelby's biggest fears was that Rachel would end up like her, so the fact Hiram and Leroy were on the ball, that they made sure Rachel's mental health was cared for just as much as her physical health. "I know that this can't be easy for you and I, I wish we'd met under better circumstances, that you didn't have to…"
"We met" Rachel interrupted, "we're getting to know each other, that's all that matters Mom, please don't beat yourself up, I know that if you could stop all this, if you could turn off the part of your brain that makes you feel the way you do, I know you'd do it in a heartbeat, I know you don't want to feel like this, that you're doing everything you can to try and get better, and that's okay Mom. I know you wish we'd met under better circumstances but this is what we've got, and that's okay Mom, it's okay".
Shelby blinked back tears as she pulled Rachel closer, "I love you Rachel" she whispered, "I love you so much."
"I know" Rachel reached up to wipe away Shelby's tears, "I love you too Mom."