Chapter 18
Emma POV:
Christmas came and went. The week went by so quickly and now it's new years eve. I'm sitting on my bed looking at myself in the mirror. I agreed to go on a date with Killian today. He is supposed to pick me up in a couple hours. I've been contemplating calling him to cancel all day but I haven't gathered up the courage.
Henry stopped by to spend the day with me. I'd much rather stay here with him.
"Mom, shouldn't you be getting ready for your big date tonight?" He asks.
I smile at him, "I'm not sure I'm still going to go. I'd much rather spend this night with you." I admit
Henry looks up at me, then he gets up and runs down the steps. He comes up seconds later, handing me a piece of newspaper. It has the exact house Killian lives in circled on it. An advertisement dating back to a week before I became the darkone.
"What's this?" I ask him
"A project hook and I were working on before you left. We called it operation White swan! He was looking for a house you might like. He bought this house so we would have a future here, together, as a family." He says with a small smile.
I look at the house. That's a lot to take in. If Henry's goal was to encourage me to still go, it had the opposite effect. I couldn't be more afraid than I am now.
"He hadn't had a chance to tell you before you left." He says with a sigh. "There was so much happening that week, that we both thought it would be best to wait until you were feeling better."
I know I'm frowning. I remember having visions and being in the hospital because of that. No one knew about the cause of my seizures because I didn't want anyone to worry. I know some of those visions were about Killian because I can't remember some of them anymore.
"Look, Henry, I know you want us to be together but I'm not really sure that is such a good idea. I don't remember him. He is a stranger to me. Besides, from what I've been told we broke up before I left. I'm sure I had a good reason." I sigh.
Henry's brows furrow, "Remember when we lived in New York?"
"Yeah." I say, noticing he ignored my mention of Killian and my break up.
"I could tell you were lonely. So I wished that our family would be complete. And you know what happened a few days later?" Henry asks.
I shake my head.
"Hook came to New York. He came to bring us home." He smiles.
I sigh knowing we've had this conversation many times before. "Yeah, our family is here but there are also villains, demons, and magic. I'm not the savior anymore or the darkone. When I died and came back, all my magic was gone. I won't be able to protect you anymore. I've been thinking it would be better if we leave."
He looks at me with tears in his eyes. "Your future is here, mom, with me, with grandma and grandpa, and Killian, even if you've forgotten that! Why do you always want to run away when things get tough?" He asks.
I take a deep breath, "I'm not running away. I'm not going to leave you.
I hear a knock on the door. I look at the clock and see it's 6:00 pm. "Crap! That must be Killian." I scramble around my room.
"I'll stall, mom." He smiles and runs down to answer the door. I hear it creak open. "Hook! You're early!" I over hear Henry say.
"I'm pretty sure I said 6:00. Is your mother here?" He asks.
I yell from the loft, "Sorry I lost track of time. I'll be down shortly!" I look for something nice to wear. I spot a dress, light blue floral patterns on it with spaghetti straps with a high to low cut. I don't recognize it as a dress I have ever owned. I put it on standing in front of the mirror. It looks nice and even though it's not the time of year for this type of dress I want to wear it.
I quickly brush my hair and put on some lipstick. I rush down the stairs in my bare feet. I see Killian sitting at the table, wearing jeans and a blue cotton dress shirt, leather jacket hanging on the back of the chair. He has a bouquet of red roses in his hand.
As soon as he sees me he gets up and hands the roses to me. I see the biggest smile spread across his face as he looks me over. "What?" I ask, wondering if there is something on my face.
"Nothing. You look stunning, Swan." He smiles.
I smile and take the flowers. I walk over to the kitchen and grab a vase and fill it with water.
"Thank you!" I say to him, meeting his gaze as I place the flowers in the vase. "You've been so secretive about tonight. I just want to be clear, I don't pillage and plunder on the first date."
He looks surprised by my answer, "Are you sure you don't remember me?!" He asks, "because you said the exact same thing, the day you asked me out on a date."
I raise an eyebrow, "I asked you?"
He laughs, "Trust me, I was just as surprised as you, but you did. Are you ready?" He asks.
I look over at Henry, who gives me a reassuring smile. I look back at Killian and nod. I walk over to the door and slip on my heels, grabbing a long coat and scarf. Killian puts on his jacket.
"Bye Henry!" I say
"Have fun you two!" He says as he holds the door open for us.
I can feel Killian put his hand on my back as we walk out of the apartment and down the stairs. Such a simple gesture but it still makes me feel warmer inside. I can feel my cheeks already turning red.
"So how many times did you tell yourself that you should cancel this date?" He asks as we left the building now standing by his car.
He can clearly read my mind or he knows me better than I thought. "More times than I can count." I admit.
He laughs, "Well I'm glad you didn't."
I smile back at him, feeling a little better. "So where are we going?" I ask as he opens the door to his car and gesturing for me to get in.
"To a restaurant." He replies as he closes my door. He gets into the car and starts it. Smiling at me, he pulls out onto the street.
"What?" I ask.
He looks forward, watching the road. "You're wearing the dress I got you." He says.
I look down at the dress, scrunching it up in my hands. I look forward without replying.
He continues, "The last time we went out together, we went to the mall. You hadn't been feeling great at the time but you needed it. You had been cooped up in the apartment for days. While we were there I got you that dress." He smiles at the memory. "Not without you putting up a fuss, of course." He laughs. "You always had a hard time accepting gifts from anyone."
He isn't wrong. "I didn't realize this dress was from you. I'm sure I already said this, but thank you." I give him a small smile. He looks over at me for a quick moment then back at the road.
"I believe your exact words were, 'You're impossibly stubborn' after I paid for it." He replies with a smirk.
I laugh, "Sounds like me."
We pull into a small lot. The restaurant is called Valentino's Pizzeria. He puts the car in park and gets out. I open my door and step out.
"Shall we?" He asks me as he reaches for my hand. I nod as I accept it. Feeling of his hand in mine starts to make my heart pound. He lets go of my hand and opens the door, holding it open for me. I instantly feel the loss of his touch but I hold my smile and walk in. It's a quaint little restaurant with checkered table cloths on each table and a candle lit in the center. He shows me to a table and pulls out a chair for me. I sit down. "What do you think?"
"I like it so far." I look around.
He sits across from me and leans in his chair. "Do you remember anything?" He asks.
"No. Should I?" I ask, confused.
He sighs, "I suppose not. This is where we went for our first date." He gives me a small smile.
I smile back at him and reach for his hand that is resting on the table. He pulls back slightly seeming surprised by the gesture but then brings it back and turns it over to hold mine. "I'm sorry I don't remember it. Please tell me how it went." I let go of his hand and return mine to my lap.
He smiles and nods, "I picked you up from your parents place, much like today but your parents were home at the time. I managed to convince the crocodile, I mean Rumpelstiltskin, to give me back my other hand." He holds up his hook, "So I could hold you with both hands."
"You really went all out for our first date!" I lean my elbows on the table and rest my chin on my hands. "Did I do anything special?" I ask hoping I made as much of an effort as he did.
"You wore a pretty pink dress." He laughed. "You were a bit stressed at the time because the snow queen was in town and we didn't know what she was up to."
"I remember that! She was hell bent on making me her sister." I shake my head. "Sorry, I'm getting off topic."
"Quite alright, love. Anyway, everything was going pretty well until Will Scarlet crashed into our table and spilled wine on you." He frowned at the memory.
"Well, it must not have been that bad because we went on a second date, I assume?" I ask.
He smiles at me and nods. The waiter interrupts us when he comes to our table and takes our order. I end up ordering spaghetti and Killian orders the fish and chips.
"I should have known you'd order fish." I laugh.
He laughs with me, "I'll always be a man of the sea." He stops laughing. "When we met all that mattered to me was getting my revenge."
"Against Rumpelstiltskin for killing Milah?" I ask, making sure I remembered that much. My parents and Henry told me a few basics that they knew about Killian's past.
"Aye! For hundreds of years I searched for a way to kill him. When you met me, it was hardly love at first sight. I was trying to trick you into helping Cora and I get to Storybrooke. You ended up defeating us but we found another way here."
"Wait, I remember that! I only remember fighting Cora though." I frown. "So you came to Storybrooke and you got your revenge?" I ask, knowing Rumpelstiltskin is very much alive and well.
"It wasn't for lack of trying but you hero types got in my way." He laughs, "In the end I set aside my differences with the crocodile. We will never be friends and I will never trust him, but we can coexist."
I nod, "It must have been hard for you. I hate to keep bombarding with questions but...?" I ask open ended if I can keep asking.
He nods, "You can ask me anything."
"When did you know that you loved me?" I ask, right to the point.
"We were in Neverland trying to find Henry. I had saved your father from dream shade. I asked you to give me a kiss as a thank you for saving him. You surprised me when you actually did it. It was the most passionate kiss I had ever felt and in that moment it made me realize that I loved you." He smiles at the memory. "At the time, your feelings weren't the same though. Like your mother, it took you far longer than I to admit how you felt."
I nod, knowing I am really bad for that. "I put up a wall to protect my heart from getting hurt."
"I liked your walls. I liked being the one to bring them down." He admits, reaching over the table to grab my hand. "Emma, it's not too late to start over. We can make new memories."
I look down at our hands. I just want normal, simple and easy. I don't want painful, difficult, devastating, life changing, extraordinary love. Looking into his eyes, I know in my heart that we shared all those things. Even without my memories. I take a deep breath, trying to keep my heart steady.
Suddenly the waiter comes with our food. I let go of Killian's hand. Perhaps a little too quickly. I can see the hurt cross his face for a moment but he quickly recovers and looks away from me at the waiter.
"Enjoy." And he makes his exit.
I start to dig in, without another word. We eat in silence for several minutes. I start to feel nauseous. Not from the food but from the stress of the situation. I want to remember and it's frustrating that I can't. I put my fork down and look over at Killian. "I'm going to the washroom."
He nods without looking up at me.
I stand up and walk to the back. Pushing the washroom door open. I look in the mirror at myself. I feel the tears start to fall. I'm scared. I don't know if it's love but I can feel something for him.
I hear the door open and I quickly wipe my tears so whoever it is doesn't see. I hear the door lock and I turn around but the light goes out before I can see who it is. The grab my arms and hold them behind my back. "Help!" I start to yell but they cover my mouth.
Suddenly I have a vision, a memory.
-
It's pouring down rain and I'm completely soaked. I see Killian running to me.
"Emma, what are you doing out here in the rain? You'll catch a cold." He grabs my arm. I pull my arm out of his grasp.
"It's over Killian." I say coldly. "We can't be together. This was never going to work between us." I move my hands between us to explain my words.
He turns to face me, water dripping down his face, "Why are you saying this now? I thought you had an amazing time, as I did, yesterday." He says in a whisper, now looking down at his feet.
"I did. It was the best date I've ever had." I say.
Now looking right at me again he asks "Then why? You even told me you loved me. Was that a lie? I thought we were going to build a future together" Killian starts to raise his voice.
"I thought I loved you, but we are just too different. You're a pirate and I'm a princess. I'm sorry, Killian. I really am. It's just not meant to be. We were fooling ourselves, thinking this would ever work. Our world's are just too different"
Killian pulls my chin up so I have to look directly at him. "I know you're lying to me, Swan. You know you can tell me anything. What's really wrong?" He asks.
"We can't have a future together. I thought that's what I wanted but the more I think about it the more I dread it." I say as he drops my chin.
I walk backwards a few steps and turn and start to walk away, tears starting to fall down my cheeks.
"Swan!" Killian says behind me. I turn to face him.
"Did you ever love me? Not Captain Hook the pirate, but just me, Killian Jones?" He asks.
"I never loved you. If I did, do you really think I would leave you like this?"
-
I remembered something. We broke up but why?! I told him I didn't love him. Coming back to reality I panic.
I feel warm breath against my ear. "You're going to do everything I say." I hear a man's voice. I struggle against his hold but he's too strong. "You're going to tell Killian you don't love him. That you remember breaking things off with him all those months ago because now you do. My gift to you, savior." I feel the smile in his tone.
He moves his hand away from my mouth but continues to hold my arms in place.
"Or what? You'll kill me?" I ask the person.
"No! I'll kill him!" He threatens.
"Why are you doing this? Who are you?" I ask.
His grip loosens. I break free and I run to the door turning on the light. He's gone. No one is here. Did I imagine that?
I feel my wrists. No that was real. I unlock the door and walk back out to our table. Killian smiles at me but I see concern cloud his features.
"What's wrong Swan?" He asks.
"Can you take me home? I'm not feeling well." I ask.
"Of course." He tosses a $50 on the table. "Let's sail away." He stands up and walks over to me. Putting his hand on my back leading me out of the restaurant.
I get into the car and he hopes in on the other side. "Now that we are alone, tell me what's wrong."
"I already told you!" I sigh. "Please just drop it, Killian."
"We aren't going anywhere. Not until you tell me what's bothering you." He says, as he plays with the keys in his hand.
"I'm fine. Just tired and the food just isn't sitting right with me." I say.
"You are an open book. It's not the food. Please, Swan, don't put your walls back up again." He pleads with me. "Not with me."
I start to cry but he doesn't back down. He sits there waiting for me to reply.
"Killian, I don't know if I love you but I feel this connection that I can't explain. It scares me more than anything." I start to choke on my tears as I try to steady my voice. "Someone just attacked me in the washroom. They threatened to kill you."
His eyes go wide, "Who?" He asks.
"I didn't see him." I look down at my hands.
"You don't remember this, but I am a survivor. You don't need to worry about me. I will never leave you." He grabs my hand and kisses the back of it. "Did he hurt you?" He asks as he looks me over.
I shake my head and look up at him. "I had a vision. A memory we shared."
He looks surprised, "What did you remember?"
"We were standing in the rain..." I start to say but he interrupts.
"Don't, Swan." He lets go of my hand and puts his hand on the steering wheel, gripping it tightly. He sighs and looks straight ahead. "I've dreamed about it over and over." He confides, "I've tried to forget that rainy night. It was the day you left and became the darkone."
"I remember all the hurtful things I said." I start to sob, reaching for his hand, I hold it on the steering wheel. "Killian, how could you forgive me after that?"
He looks at me and let's go of the wheel and takes my hand in his. "Why couldn't you have remembered a happy memory?" He laughs as he shakes his head. He smiles at me, "Deep down, I knew your words weren't truthful. When you love someone, you know."
It's started to rain as we sat in the car. Much like that night all those months ago when we broke up. I look into his bright blue eyes and close the distance between us with a kiss on his lips. I pull back and look down at his hand in mine.
"That man... He told me to end things with you or he will kill you." I admit, "What should we do?" I trust Killian but I want to be honest this time. "I don't want to lose you!"
"And I don't want to lose you!" He lets go of my hand and cups my cheek. "I see you're worried but don't be. We will find a way. We always do."
I nod, hoping he is right. I am finally starting to open up to him and it's scary but it's also an amazing feeling. With him, I can see myself being happy.
He starts the car. "Lets go to my place tonight. Call your folks and let them know."
"Wait! It's our first date. I'm not going to spend the night with you." I raise my voice, a bit surprised by his forwardness.
"Relax, Swan. I just don't want to let you out of my site again. I don't want you to do something drastic like last time. You can stay in the spare room." He says as he raises an eyebrow. "It will be the last place this man will expect you to go if he knows you at all."
I nod and start to dial the house number. I know O have a history of running away but I'm not running anymore. We will face this together!