Chapter 20.
Dean opened his eyes and saw Sam holding a tray and Cas sitting beside the bed. "Good morning!" said Sam, looking freshly showered and irritatingly cheerful, "I brought you breakfast." He put the tray on the bed.
"Did you just get up?" said Dean, looking at the clock, which said 7:26.
"No, I hit the gym for an hour before breakfast."
"I hate you." said Dean, affectionately. He turned to Cas. "Please tell me you didn't sit there all night."
"Of course he did." said Sam. What did you think he was going to do? You made him incapacitate you, so he felt he had to watch over you."
"I've told you before, Cas, it doesn't look good, for either of us." said Dean.
"I'll go." said Cas. He stood to leave.
"Wait." said Dean, "I'm sorry."
"You two have had a difficult time." said Sam, "Don't let the tensions get to you now, when the end's in sight. You're in this together. On the subject of togetherness, Dean, you've been outmanoeuvred."
"Oh?" said Dean.
"Sarah called this morning. She asked Mom to canvass opinion on what kind of dance we need to have. The majority, a landslide actually, was for a hoedown. She said, 'Tell your brother, he can wear his cowboy hat.'"
"How does she even know I have a cowboy hat?" said Dean.
Cas spoke, hesitantly and quietly. "I've been talking to her about you for several years. Clearly, she was listening."
"I'll wear the full cowboy," he said, looking at Cas, "If you lose the coat."
Cas instantly tensed, his back rigid.
"Yeah, straight into panic mode." said Dean, "What is it with you and the damn coat?"
"Dean, don't." said Sam.
Dean looked at him, wondering what he and Cas had talked about. It was obvious that Sam considered Cas to be in vulnerable state. "Wear the coat." he said, "It's your birthday."
"You don't like my coat?" said Cas.
Dean smiled. "I love the coat. It's a great coat. I'm sorry. I just ... I'd love to see you feel comfortable enough to take off the armour."
"It's not armour." said Cas.
"Sometimes it feels like it." said Dean, "Forget I said anything. We all have our comfort zones and I'm not leaving mine any time soon. I still have no intention of dancing, but I'll wear whatever Sarah wants me to."
"I should find Jack." said Cas.
"Are we okay?" said Dean.
Cas gave a small smile. "Of course we are."
"Cas, if anything from my head drifts into yours, you come back here and put me out." said Dean.
"I don't want to do that." said Cas.
"Sam and Jack will end this. I know they will. We just have to get through a few more hours and if I need to spend those hours unconscious, I'm fine with that."
"Mary needs your help with the angel blade." said Cas.
"Well, that should distract me enough." said Dean, "But I mean it. Whatever you need to get through this."
"I thought I might drive over to Sarah's place, spend some time meditating with the bees."
"Be back here this afternoon." said Sam, "We hope to have the talismans by then."
Cas nodded.
"Cas," said Dean, "Distance doesn't help."
"No, but the bees do. Sarah does."
"You don't just want to put me out of the way?"
"I just want to leave you in peace." said Cas.
"I'll say it again, this is not your fault."
"It's okay." said Cas. He left.
Dean sighed. "I've never seen him like this before."
"This has been hard on both of you." said Sam.
"We need to have that road trip or something for Cas. There has to be some kind of pay-off for years of loyalty and sacrifice. Some good stuff has to come from his association with us. All he and I could come up with was the party."
"Wow. You went deep."
"We didn't get much choice."
"You should eat." said Sam.
"I'm really not hungry." said Dean, "He doesn't believe in any of it."
"Any of what?"
"The road trip, the future, anything. He has no faith in anything anymore."
"In anything?" said Sam.
"Well, he still believes in us, but he's not sure we can win."
"Maybe he's not sure you want to. Sometimes, all that fatalistic crap you say makes it sound like you don't care."
"Fatalistic crap? I never say any fatalistic crap."
"You know you replaced God in his eyes, right?"
"No, I wouldn't go that far." said Dean, worried that Sam might be right.
"He believes in you and that's great. I do too, but sometimes you don't. We're pretty undemanding as followers, but it's hard to have unshakable faith in a messiah who has no faith in himself."
"Pick a better messiah." said Dean.
Sam smiled. "In all my life, I never found a better one." He sat in the chair. "You're worried that he doesn't believe in the road trip. Do you? Do you really think there will be an end to all this that leaves either of us alive?"
"You're in a morbid mood, this morning."
"How many times have you told me this ends bloody?" said Sam, "You think he doesn't hear you? If you want him to believe ... if you want either of us to believe, you need to cut the crap and find some hope."
"You're looking in the wrong place. Ask Cas. My head is full of poison. I'm trying to hold it in and I still cause him nothing but pain and despair. Yesterday, I felt his guilt. The weight of it, the sharpness ... have you ever thought of what happens to feelings that are never expressed, never set aside for sleep, never tempered with any kind of explanation or excuse? None of the tortures I went through in Hell came close to what he is doing to himself every day."
"Then we need to help him."
"Yes." said Dean, "And I mentioned the damn coat and made things worse."
"The talismans will help, but even then, you'll need to wear them to gain the benefits and there are deeper problems than the link. I know he's messed up. He was never intended to feel this much. He was never intended for personal responsibility. Maybe only you can get what he's going through. Your guilt is also out of all proportion."
"What, and you're the normal one?" said Dean.
"No, I've been running on crazy for years, but no-one does crazy like me. I make crazy my bitch."
"Yeah, you do." said Dean.
"We'll fix this, all of it." said Sam, "My job is to make you both believe."
"You spoke as if you don't believe." said Dean.
"I doubt everything, sometimes." said Sam, "Except this brother of mine. In the end, I know Dean Winchester can do anything."
"Dean Winchester doesn't." said Dean.
"It's part of his charm, a really frustrating part, but at least it gives me a purpose. However this ends, it ends with the three of us together."
"That may not be a good thing. We might all end up dead."
"Death is always negotiable." said Sam.