Chapter 20

"Pheromones"

Shino climbed to the top of the overhead and seated himself between an already cramped Madara and Tobirama. Taking a deep breath he looked over at his boss. "Before you go, I should explain some things about these spiders."

"Yeah, why don't you do that?" Remarked Madara, tying his dark locks back with hair tie he borrowed from Temari. Shino ignored his boss's tone and launched into his "tutorial".

"These aren't like the spiders you find in the West, not even the big ones in the East. They aren't really even like any other invertebrates. The matriarch, which is the female leader-"

"I know what a matriarch is!" hissed Madara.

Shino rolled his eyes and continued, "Ahem…the matriarch is intelligent. Like a dog, for comparison. Its amazing, really. She can even solve simple puzzles, and according to the studies conducted-"

"Skip a bit, Shino." interrupted the dark-haired manager.

"Yes, well, I'm getting to the point." Shino stated calmly. "But if you keep interrupting, you'll miss pertinent information. Sakura, are listening?" He glanced over at his co-worker. Sakura's eyes shot up to meet his, suddenly hearing her name.

"Oh, yes, I'm listening. But…I've also been keeping an eye on these things down there. Why is that big one moving side to side?" She pointed at the yellow and black spotted female shifting back and forth, her mandibles clicking quietly. Everybody in the warehouse shuddered in disgust and fear, subconsciously inching as high as they could on whatever they were hanging onto.

Shino smiled, "Ah, she is claiming territory! You see how all the others are huddled behind her? She's establishing her domain, letting anyone around know she's the boss, see how all the males are very much hiding behind her, submissive?"

"Great, it's a feminist," muttered Tobirama, glancing over at Madara. "Lucky you, yeah?"

Shino held up a finger for silence," Actually it may be a benefit. Studies show that these spiders can pick up on pheromones of other species. Her heightened sense of territorial behavior indicates she hasn't mated this season yet. If you have a good scent, sir, she may not be aggressive towards you."

Madara raised an eyebrow, baffled. "What does that even mean, "good scent"?"

Sakura knew what pheromones were, anybody who took biology in high school knew. But this was weird, like a bad sci-fi horror movie. "…and what happens when she doesn't like the other thing's pheromones?"

Shino thought for a second,"Well, to be crass, if has not been sexually active for a while, their pheromones will be different. Hard to say, but she may attack and bite. On the other hand, if one's scent meshes well with her senses, she may actually be docile and may even display a liking for that other creature, er, platonically of course."

"Holy crap, it better be "platonic"." Madara stammered, grimacing at the imagery that just invaded his mind. Tobirama peered over Shino's head at him.

"You just imagined that too, didn't you?"

"Yes…make it stop…" The store manager shook his head trying to shake off the picture in his mind.

Sakura nudged Kiba, who had been checking the side of the shelf now that there was even more people taking up space. "Hey Kiba, would it be better if you went? You know, two males?"

Kakashi laughed from his spot on top of the crates, "Yeah, if that thing gets one whiff of Kiba it'll try to kill us all, and then itself."

Madara grunted impatiently, "You know, none of the conversation happening here is helping me!"

"Oh yeah…you may have a problem with that pheromone part, Madara." whispered Tobirama, but his whisper was loud enough to reach everyone seated on the overhead shelf. "Probably should take Sakura, I mean, if anything it'll balance it out."

Sakura and Madara each shot a glare at the tall manager, indignant for different reasons. Sakura was the first to express it, however.

"What they hell does that mean, Tobirama? Why would I "balance out" someone's lack of pheromones?" Madara echoed her, but his deep voice was louder.

"More importantly, what the hell do you mean by "I'll have a problem?!"

Tobirama shrugged, "Well, I don't like to state the obvious, but-.."

"What? What? You sayin' I'm a reproductive cul-de-sac?"

Tobirama inspected his nails with an aloof expression. "Well, I didn't say that, but you know..if the boot fits…"

"OH THAT'S IT!"

There was clanging and clashing sounds as Madara jumped on Tobirama with a growl. Fighting for the upper hand, the white-haired manager began grappling with him, Madara managed to shift his weight enough to pull his opponent into a full nelson.

"TAKE IT BACK!"

"NEVER!"

Madara yelped when Tobirama reached up and grabbed ahold of his hair and yanked his head down, but his arm's grip around the neck didn't lessen a bit. "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO GO FOR THE HAIR?" He shouted as he kneed his white-haired frenemy in the side.

Sakura couldn't believe what she was seeing. It was like Madara and Tobirama had regressed 15 years in age, acting like seventeen-year-olds. But her puzzlement was cut short by a startling hissing sound. Obito, who had been sitting quietly with his knees pulled up to his chest, glanced over at the wall at their backs. He inhaled sharply, trying to alert his co-workers to the horror that sat about 6 feet away. "M-M-MADARA!" he shrieked, hitting him on the leg to get his attention. Shino and Kiba saw it too; Kiba emitting a high-pitched squeak of terror. In the commotion, one of the males arachnids had moved unnoticed across the stockroom floor, and up the wall. The sudden racket of movement and yelling had made it angry. Its mandibles clicking aggressively with an awful hiss. Kiba scrambled to get away, being the closest to it, squashing Sakura in the process.

Obito slapping Madara's leg finally got his attention, and he looked up at him to yell "WHAT?!", but quickly saw the spider behind him. The shouting and screaming became louder as Madara's shriek joined the rest. There was a sudden and desperate scramble to get off the overhead shelf. As the hapless employees descended the overhead, Kiba lost his footing and grabbed onto Madara's leg, the unexpected pull dragging Madara off the third shelf.

"MOTHERFU-…OOF!…ow…" He and the Dairy DH landed on a pile of empty boxes ten feet below. Sakura, who had made it to the bottom shelf, held her hand over her mouth in shock and worry. Madara and Kiba lay there on the now-crushed cardboard, dazed and in obvious pain.

"Madara, Kiba! Are y-you okay?! Are you hurt!?" She stammered, shining her phone light on them. Madara held his hand up shakily.

"Just…my pride….and my back…" He responded quietly. Kiba had partially landed on him, knocking the wind out of him, but cushioning his own fall in the process. He regained his senses quickly and scrambled to get on the bottom shelf, off the floor. The pink-haired employee jumped off the shelf and pulled Madara up into a sitting position. Still half-stunned he looked at Sakura through his one eye that was covered by his bangs.

"I think I broke my everything…," he murmured. She felt the urge to hug him, but knew all the eyes of every terrified and stunned employee was on them right now, and refrained. Shino, who had been calm and almost bored through the ordeal, got off the shelf and gave Madara a hand up, helping him get on the shelf. His boss lay down on his back with a pained groan.

"This is going to hurt tomorrow...*groan*…"

Shino nodded and then glanced across the floor. The male spider, no longer feeling threatened, had retreated back to his colony, taking a place behind the bigger matriarch. He noticed that the female had gone quiet, and completely still. In fact, he had observed her territorial dance had ceased the moment Madara lunged at Tobirama on the top took note of it and then turned his attention back to the groaning Madara.

"You see this is why I was telling you all to listen. While you caused a ruckus, you made these creatures feel threatened. Shikamaru! Are you and the others okay where you are?" Shikamaru and Temari replied with a "yes". Naruto was trying his best to stifle the laughter that threatened to erupt from within him, and Sakura shot him a glare.

"They could have broken their necks, and you laugh? That's cruel Naruto!" She barked with an edge in her voice. Naruto immediately went quiet with the chastisement from his friend. But he couldn't help but notice that she was paying far more attention to Madara's condition, barely acknowledging Kiba, even though he had also fallen ten feet to the ground. "uh…what?" He thought to himself.

Shino scratched his chin, pondering something. Tobirama, rubbing his sore neck, flicked his eyes over at him. " Yeah, jackass, you shouldn't have started a fight with me. So what do we do now?".

Obito responded before Shino could. "Well, for starters, we could avoid and further dick-measuring contests between YOU TWO." He pointed at Tobirama and then at Madara. "You guys…seriously, are the worst!" Kakashi agreed with a "No shit!" from his safe place atop of the forklift, having moved there during the commotion.

Shino rested a hand on Obito's shoulder, indicating he wanted to speak now, Obito obliged and gave him some space "Well, I…have a theory…but it would require our store manager to show some radical courage. Do ya think you have it in you, boss?" He asked flatly.

Madara continued to stare upward at the bottom of the shelf above him,"To be honest, I'm a little fucked up in general right now, so that's hard to gauge." He propped himself up on his elbows with a groan, causing Sakura to instinctively reach out and put her hands on his shoulders to support him. Kiba pouted a little.

"Nobody seems to care if I'm okay!"

"You crushed our boss with your clumsiness! Nobody cares, Kiba." hissed Sakura, not even looking at him.

The Uchiha used his shoulder to subtly nudge Sakura, "Pull it back a little, yeah?" He muttered under his breath.

Shino folded his arms across his chest, and leaned against the wall behind him, " Okay, can I talk now? Thanks. I noticed something… when Mr. Uchiha began fighting with Mr. Senju…the female, I've named her Trixie by the way, became still, and quiet."

Shikamaru stared at him, flabbergasted.

"You NAMED it?"

"Yes. Anyway, before you two started acting like angry hormonal teens, I was talking about pheromones and how Trixie can sense them." He pointed at Madara, who furrowed his eyebrows in puzzlement.

"You.You got her attention. Obviously you were pissed at Tobirama, but your body released hormones that indicate you were probably defending territory, at least to her. "

Sakura didn't like were this was going. She didn't pursue arguing with Tobirama's insults, because he was ignorant of her and Madara's secret. But Shino was getting a little too close for comfort. Madara's face indicated he was had the same feeling, but they silently let Shino continue on with his hypothesis.

"If she became intrigued by your aggression in defending personal, or even sexual territory, or even your pride or whatever started it, then your pheromones may actually create a bonding-like response from her."

Madara blanched. "For one, who cares about the damn pheromones? Two, what good does that do me? Three, where are you going with this? Cause I'm getting a bad feeling about where this is headed."

Shino grinned a rare full smile, "If you bond with her, you could walk right up to that circuit box unharmed, and none of us would be in danger anymore, either. She controls the colony, they would all submit to you, because they all follow Trixie."

"Ah, I get it…" Said Madara with a nod, "…You're insane."

The bug expert shrugged, "The only way to prove my theory is if you approach her. I'm certain I am correct. If her senses bond with your hormones or pheromones, or both, she will bond with you."

Sakura looked down at Madara and back to Shino, a hint of worry in her voice. "But, what if you're wrong?"

Shino met her eyes, his face expressionless. "If I'm wrong, the males attack him and bite him, killing him within ten minutes or less, and then turn on us as competitors for territory. But we don't have time to wait. Even matriarchs can't control the males completely, and, as you can see, they are getting restless."

He pointed at the colony across the stockroom. Indeed, the males were starting to skitter around behind the female, climbing up on crates; a couple were already on the wall.

"They'll become aggressive as they get more bold. Its up to you, sir. But I'll be honest, this is slowly becoming an even more dangerous situation than before, and its only 3am with no sign of the power returning. These creatures are not true arachnids. Really, they haven't even been properly classified yet. They are spider-like. But their behaviors and social interactions indicate sentience unlike anything the scientific world has every seen, making them different than real spiders. We've only discovered them in the last 50 years, most interaction has led to death."

Tobirama scoffed and turned his gaze to Madara, "Man, I…you know what, if you do this I will never make fun of you again."

Madara rolled his eyes at him, "Yeah that's lie."

"Yeah, it is…"

"Uh huh."

Shino pointed to a crate that was sitting in the center of the stockroom, halfway between the crew and the restless arachnids from hell. "I would suggest you sit on that crate, you won't be too close to be a threat, but you will be close enough to perhaps…coax her over to you by making her curious."

"Stop talking like I'm trying to call a cat, you creepy bug nerd." Stated Madara flatly. He scanned the stockroom with his eyes, meeting the gaze of all his employees. They were quiet, staring at him, anxiously awaiting his next move. Even Naruto was quiet, looking at Madara with a mix of fear and admiration. His eyes flicked over to Sakura briefly, his gaze softer on her, and then back over to the huddle of spiders across the room. He sighed, "I've seen this horror movie, this is where the "brave" idiot dies. I guess I'm that idiot."

"You don't really need to do anything, just be in closer proximity." replied Shino.

Sakura glanced sideways, "How do you know all this stuff?" she asked him.

"Its my hobby to study insects and spiders in my free time."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "You're in the wrong career field, man. Aside from, well, right now, this would all be useless information."

Shino laughed. "You know as well as I do, Shikamaru, that there is no such thing as "useless information"."

Madara waved his hand to shush everyone. "Quiet! Ugh, just tell me what to do before I actually think this through and ditch."

Shino pointed to the crate, "Like I said, just walk slowly to that crate and sit down. Let Trixie do the rest."

Tobirama rolled his eyes,"You can't name a spider "Trixie". Hell, you can't name anything that."

Madara tapped his fingers rapidly on the shelf, thinking hard. Then he sighed he muttered, "…damn it all…". He slowly slid off the shelf, his boots touching the floor with a subtle thud. With a sharp intake of air he starting walking slowly towards the crate Shino had directed him to. Briefly he turned around and pointed at everyone, "You all better remember this moment when the new Xbox comes out, just saying!"

Sakura sat next to Tobirama and Shino, watching their manager walk slowly across the room. They could hear him muttering under his breath with each step. A lot of "this is insane" and "what am I doing" mixed with many expletives. Tobirama leaned over and whispered to Sakura, "Hey…watch this," He cupped his hands over his mouth and made a loud "clicking" sound, making Madara jump and spin around.

"You're not funny!" He hissed back.

Sakura gave Tobi a disapproving glare. "You know that female could bite him and he'll die, right? Then they could just turn around and kill us all?"

The white-haired manager blinked with sudden realization. "Oh yeah. Oops..uh, you can do it Madara!" He said in a loud whisper. In return, Madara flipped him the bird.

Turning back around and inching forward as slow as he could, Madara reached the crate. The clicking sounds in front of him reached a crescendo, sending chills down his spine. There was a trembling in his limbs he couldn't control, and when he sat down the crate moved across the floor a little with a small "squeak". The clicking sound ceased suddenly, many pairs of eyes were now focused on Madara.

Obito moved as quietly as he could to sit next to Sakura. He whispered to Madara from the bottom shelf. "Hey! Madara! Just think of those eyes like that Baby Yoda in the Mandalorian!"

Madara looked behind him with a pale stare, whispering back, "This is NOT the same thing!".

The "queen" emerged from the shadows. Her eight legs making little clacking noises as she moved about three feet forward. The blood drained from Madara's face as the creature inched closer and closer. The trembling in his limbs intensified. In his life, he had arrested murderers, dangerous people. He even chased a drugged out maniac through the woods. Right now, however, he preferred the drugged out maniac swinging the bloody butcher knife. The queen stopped clacking her jaws, drawing about three feet from Madara. In a shaky voice, he called out to Shino. "Shino…wh-what's happening?"

Shino adjusted his sunglasses,"This is amazing. such a rare encounter. This is a prize experience, sir."

Madara blanched, "Prize? What contest in HELL did I win?"

Shino inched forward off the shelf to whisper to him. "Just sit still. Let her investigate. Whatever you do, don't move or you'll scare her and her males."

Sakura muffled a gasp with her mouth when she saw the spider reach Madara's legs. Even Tobi went as pale as his hair. The monster's two front legs lifted and rested on Madara's knees.

Madara felt like he was going to pass out, he started hyperventilating. He could feel the pressure of those pointed appendages pushing against his skin. The exoskeleton glistened in the dim lighting, almost like it was moist; which made it worse. Two more legs reached up and rested on his legs. A long whimper escaped his lips in the form of a stifled squeak. Even a deep voice like Madara's could reach a little girl's pitch in such situations. He could feel his heart pounding in fight or flight mode, but he was frozen in place, at the mercy of a dangerous but "curious" beast.

"Its touching meeeeeee…" He whined. He couldn't help it, being "manly" was not in the cards right now.

Shino was throwing words of encouragement at him,"That's it! She's inspecting you. If she hasn't bitten you yet, you're in the clear!"

He hadn't finished his words when the queen suddenly lifted herself all the way up onto Madara's lap, its eight eyes peering at him from only 6 inches from his face. Another whimper escaped his mouth, staring at those jaws, with what he could imagine was saliva dripping out. Or venom? It didn't matter now, he was sure he would die of a heart attack. The spider's weight was heavy on his lap, its pointed legs digging into his skin as it clung to his trembling form. It pushed it face further forward, about an inch from his own.

"Oh…Oh dear God, please make it stop breathing like that…"

Suddenly the queen squeaked. Not a cute squeak, but a high pitched, wail-like whine. The manager almost fainted right there. Everybody jumped in alarm and fear, wondering if this was the end of their boss. With their breaths held in their lungs, they watched the creature lower itself, almost in a resting position on Madara's lap. If it were a dog, it might as well have yawned and taken a nap. All eight legs folded, the spider rubbed against Madara's chest.

"She approves! She's submitting to you!" Stated Shino excitedly.

But Madara didn't care, nor could he respond. He felt the dizziness one feels before blacking out creeping up on him.

"Madara! She's submissive now, you can lift her off you, just put your hand around her abdomen and slowly set her on the ground!"

Madara came to his sense enough to turn his head slowly, wide-eyed, staring at Shino. It was a creepy stare. "Do WHAT now?"

"Just lift her off of you, gently."

Madara almost laughed, "You are making a lot of assumptions about my bravery right now…"

Naruto scoffed impatiently, "You've already come this far, think about your crew, we can get out of here!"

"Damn you…"

"I think you could even pet her if you wanted to," Added Shino.

"I'm drawing a line there, Shino!"

The raven-haired Uchiha lifted his gloved hands, shaking uncontrollably. If THIS wasn't the worst thing already, now he had to touch it? Gulping visibly, and holding his breath, placed his hands on either side of the spider. Surprisingly, it didn't even move at his touch, its body like an armored crab. He slowly lifted the creature up, its legs dangling, sending shivers down his spine and making him whimper in combined disgust and terror. He started giving himself a pep talk. "Okay, okay, its just a giant, spiny crab…a giant, deadly, angry spiny crab…that's also be a spider...big, deadly armored spider…Oh, God I'm not helping myself- will somebody else start talking now?"

When its many legs touched the ground it suddenly sprung to life, dashing back to its colony. Everybody screamed, but no one as loud as Madara. His pent up terror escaped in the form of a high-pitched screech. Sakura at first thought he had gotten bit, Temari and Tobirama rushed over, grabbing his shoulders and half-dragged him back to the shelf. Looking back, Tobirama observed the queen sitting quietly with her males.

Sakura saw that Madara was unharmed and breathed a sigh of relief. He was, however, covered in sweat and pale as a ghost. Tobirama slapped him on the shoulder, which, in Madara's current state, made him jump and yell.

"Man, that was the dumbest thing I've ever seen anyone do!" said Kakashi. Madara tried to stand up, bracing himself against a stack of boxes. He start swaying.

"Tobirama…why are there 4 of you?" He said shakily. Sakura and Obito looked at him in confusion.

"Madara, what are you ta- OH CRAP!"

*thud*

Madara fell forward, unconscious, his body slamming onto the floor. Shikamaru rushed over and helped Sakura lift their passed out boss onto the shelf.

"He's out cold," remarked Shikamaru. "What do we do now? How do we get the circuit box?"

Shino pointed down the hallway to the dim red light. "We can move as we please now. Trixie sees us as Mr. Uchiha's colony, and she submitted to him. Come, Kiba, we'll go figure it out ourselves."

Kiba hopped off the shelf, eyeing the group of spiders huddled in the corner. "This has been some Resident Evil shit tonight, I swear…"

—

It took a good 15 minutes for Shino and Kiba to figure out the circuit box, but they were successful. Walking back, Kiba threw Kakashi a thumb's up. Shikamaru, who was the only one with the mental capacity to remember the code Madara had shouted earlier that night, punched in the numbers to the keypad next to the bay door. The locks slid over, freeing the door from the emergency lockout. With Tobirama keeping an eye on the amazonian spiders in the corner, Kakashi and Naruto lifted the door enough to allow room for escape. Breathing sighs of relief, the night crew crouched down and made it out of the produce stockroom. Shikamaru and Sakura both had to pull Madara's deadweight to get him out.

"Jeeze! How can he weigh this much!" He muttered.

When Tobirama saw everybody get out he took one more glance at the spiders. The queen had moved to about ten feet across the floor, and he could see her up close. A sudden admiration came over him for Madara, because even with the distance he had between himself and this creature, made him want to run.

"A ballsy jackass, that one…"

He slid under the door and slammed it shut.

Madara was coming to, but still half-dazed. He glanced around through half-lidded eyes. "Are we out?" He murmured.

Naruto sat down next to him, "Yeah, they didn't bother us even after you passed out. Way to go, boss. I knew you cared!"

Madara grunted loudly as Sakura helped him sit up. "Whats the strongest whiskey we have here?"

Kakashi was checking his phone signal, relieved to see two bars. "I know which one you need, I'll be right back." He pocketed his phone and walked off. Obito followed behind him.

"Where are you headed off to, Obito?" Asked Temari.

"Well, I have to call corporate and tell them what's up. We can't open the store with these things inside it, and they'll want to send out a specialist and an exterminator. Sigh, its gonna be a long night." He glanced down at Madara, who was still not all there.

"You know you might have a concussion, you hit your head when you passed out on the floor."

Madara returned his gaze with a deadpan stare. "Obito… I really don't care."

His assistant manager shrugged and walked away, holding his phone up to see if he could get a better signal as he walked. Everybody else slowly moved away from the now-shut bay door, going in different directions, leaving Sakura and Madara on their own. Light flashed through the windows outside as lighting continued to crash; the rain hitting the glass with soft tapping sounds.

Madara looked over at Sakura silently. The pink-haired stocker smiled at him warmly. "Sir, I think overnights were a bad idea."

Madara let out a quiet laugh in reply. "Wasn't my idea, so yes, it was terrible." He turned away from her and began shifting his weight to get on his knees and off his back, grunting in discomfort as he did so. Sakura looked around to make sure no one was looking, and quickly pecked him on the cheek, startling him. She jumped up and walked away briskly, calling for Kakashi in the liquor isle. Madara blushed slightly, but remained still. Then he sighed and got up, feeling his back crack as he stretched it out. When he walked away he didn't notice that Naruto had come back from the bathroom a few minutes prior, and had been standing at the endocarp of an isle near them. His jaw was touching the floor. "I…uh…huh?" He whispered to himself. Then he turned around and slowly started walking away, completely confused.

Kakashi bumped into his boss rounding a corner, Madara yelped and jumped back. The spiky-haired employee handed him a bottle of whiskey. "Um...a little traumatized?"

Madara took a long draught from the bottle, a good 5 or 6 shots worth, coughing from the burn as it went down his throat. "I don't get traumatized." He said plainly. As he walked away, Kakashi stared at his back, a devious thought tickling his brain. He snuck up to him quietly and touched the back of Madara's neck with a single finger, shouting, "SPIDER!"

"AAAGGGHHHH! YOU BASTARD!"

To be continued in chapter 21!

A/N

This was actually the most goofy and fun chapter to write yet. It was intended to be totally implausible and ridiculous, (resident evil, anyone?) which made it all the more fun to write. Remember, I love to read reviews, It makes me really happy to hear from people who may be enjoying my story. Next chapters will have their smatterings of fun, drama, comedy, and of course, the everyday happenings in the lives of these store employees.