Hello all! I know you are excited that this is probably a new chapter however this is going to be a bit of disappointment. I would like to apologise for not having updated Sugarcoat in recent years, I don't have many excuses other than I have been in an extremely bad place and my life has kind of been turned around a lot. I would also like to state I am not looking for any pity here, I simply want to explain my absence and why some updates might be slower than others. Everyone has challenges in their lives that impacts them, either negatively or positively, and I just want you to understand where I am coming from.

For a very long time I have been dealing with what I now know is severe depression and anxiety. I have always known I have had mild depression, more seasonal than anything, but over the past couple of years it has gotten worse, affecting every aspect of my life. Slowly I lost interest in everything I ever enjoyed, from reading novels, watching movies, series, and anime, listening to new music, going out with friends to swimming, writing and so on. I even lost interest in varsity and eventually my work. I dreaded going into work, and no matter how much I slept I was constantly tired and my muscles where heavy, unable to work up any energy to do anything.

However, I started going to a therapist last year who recommended me to a psychiatrist. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and mild OCPD. I am slowly working on getting back into everything I loved with the help of my therapists, and even spent three weeks in a rehab learning better emotional coping mechanism and cognitive behaviours.

On top of all this I have also been struggling with my sexuality, and what I identify as. For a long time, I was unsure whether I was sexually attracted to anyone as I have generally had a low to almost non-existent sex drive. I have also been romantically and sexually attracted to only a small number of people across the gender spectrum. This led to a whole mess of confusion and anxiety, especially as I have never had a sexual relationship and many of my friends and family worry about me ever finding a partner. Once again, my therapists came to my rescue and helped me understand a lot more about the sexuality spectrum and gender identity spectrum. I am now confident to have a starting point – demisexual. With a little dash of pansexuality as the gender or lack of gender of people I am attracted to does not play a role in my attraction.

I am also working on understanding my gender identity. I am female, sex wise, but there are often days I feel more masculine than feminine, and dress and act accordingly. But once again still working on that situation, trying to figure what is going on there. I am constantly looking to learn more about gender identity and sexuality, so if anyone has any recommendations in terms of articles, books or blogs to look at please feel free to share.

To add to this fantastic mess, I am also working through many traumas I have experienced in my life, from being sexually abused to being a victim of violent crime.

I am not 100% at the moment, and I am not sure I will ever be 'fixed'. But I am working towards a new normal, getting my life on track, understanding my emotions and behaviours, and working on making some major changes in my life.

When it comes to Sugarcoat, I also unfortunately lost the rough draft of my next chapter due to technical difficulties. I am currently working on re-writing what I remember, as well and going back and editing some of my previous chapters. They should not be major changes, just some edits to make my story flow a bit better and make more sense overall.

I want to thank everyone who has followed and favourited over the years; getting emails telling me that someone new was following made me feel a bit guilty, but also made me realise that people have been enjoying my story, and kept me motivated to complete this story.

I am hoping to complete this story this year and move onto to other stories and other fandoms. So, thank you very much for all your patience and understanding, it means the world to me. Here is to 2020 - may it bring everyone happiness, laughter and joy!

Lots of love,

HowToTrainYourGeek