Chapter 18.

In the morning Helena woke up earlier as she did. It was only half past four and she was unable to sleep more. She had been so exhausted both physically and mentally, still it had taken her two hours to fall asleep and her dreams had been full of anxiety and darkness. Now she was simply excited, with a strong headache and pain in her stomach. However, she could not feel bigger pain anywhere but in her heart.

She didn't want to leave Herr Kommandant, but she had to, she was forced to – for herself, for him. She knew clearly now that she loved him with all her heart and that was why it felt so difficult and painful for her to leave. I wish I could stay with him forever, she thought bitterly, for the first time I feel it, even though it seems so unbelievable, because I had never dreamt of, I could have never imagined thinking of him this way, of loving him at all. And now she knew that she was in love with him and it was much more than infatuation or gratitude.

While she was getting dressed as silently as possible, she could hear that Amon was awake as well. He was walking up and down in his bedroom, the floor was creaking under his feet. She knew how anxious and sorrowful he must have been and it caused another slash of pain in her heart. I must leave you without your knowing how much I do love and respect you, she thought, and she felt like crying again. She had been fighting with her tears for so long and they hurt.

They left their bedrooms at the same time and they met in front of the kitchen.

- Good morning, Helena.

- Good morning, Herr Kommandant.

Amon smiled at her weakly and showed her politely with his hand to enter first. (He must have slept less than usual, not only his eyes, but his movements as well showed some kind of tiredness.) She obeyed feeling on her back how he was staring at her. She could not ignore the touchable sadness in his glance and on his lips and she was close to waver in her resolution.

When they were standing opposite each other, this time she did not take her eyes off from him. She wanted to drink the sight of him into her brain as deeply as possible. Despite his tiredness, he looked really handsome, especially in his tight uniform that still made her frightened although she knew very well that it had always meant protection for her. He had protected her from everyone except himself in Kraków-Płaszów, and from everyone including himself since they left the concentration camp.

Amon spoke, with a tender smile on his lips.

- I guess you are really excited to leave Vienna.

He didn't add "and me" but she almost heard the continuation of the sentence in her mind.

Helena replied weakly.

- Yes, Herr Kommandant. To start a journey always goes with some excitement.

Amon didn't reply and to make herself busy, Helena started to prepare coffee while he was standing at the other side of the table, still watching her profoundly. She felt and saw how her hands shivered while trying to open the coffee box and she tried her best to hide it from him. If he comes closer to me, if he touches my hand to help me, I will be lost and I will surrender, she thought.

A few minutes passed when he spoke again, remaining in the same posture:

- Shall I take you to the station?

His voice was void of anger or frustration and it was still surprising for her that he was able to react on such a gentle way – in comparison how he had reacted to things he didn't like when he had been the commander of the Kraków-Płaszów camp.

Helena was just taking the cups out of the cupboard but now she looked at him, giving him a little grateful smile while bowing her head.

- Thank you, Herr Kommandant. It would be really thoughtful of you.

She wished somehow he would not want to talk to her when it was so difficult for her just to breathe while she just wanted to hear his voice again before she had to leave and never see or hear him again. She felt her tears coming out and pricking her eyelids again and it was quite a fight to defend them and stop them flowing along her cheeks. He is not allowed to see me cry, she commanded herself, he is not allowed to know how I feel for him.

Amon was watching him, he seemed to be unable to take his eyes off her while all the past memories, when he had been rude and cruel to her, beating, torturing and humiliating her, came into his mind, making him feel deeply ashamed and lost. Now he felt the most how terribly he had ruined his chance.

As soon as they drank their cup of coffee and Amon made Helena eat a small sandwich while forcing a similar one through his throat (so they could eat together for the last time), with her avoiding his searching eyes, Helena picked up her light suitcase and they left for the railway station.

This was the first time when the huge crowd of people did not frighten or worry Helena – she could not care anymore. She could look at all those men and women hurrying up on the streets and on the platforms totally calmly and still she was able to feel safe. I will leave this city forever and no one could ever hurt Herr Kommandant because of me, she thought, feeling both joy and pain at the same time.

They stopped in the middle of the station, in front of the timetable.

People were hurrying and rushing around them, shouting, crying and pushing their way along, yet Amon and Helena both felt as if they had been completely all alone. They could see nothing and nobody except each other. Both of them were wearing their own mask of polite calmness while neither of them knew how much the other one was lying.

- Have you chosen your destination? – Amon asked suddenly.

Helena looked at him, forcing a little smile on her lips. She was not afraid now but still she didn't want to create any sensation with her pale, sorrowful expression around herself.

- Yes, Herr Kommandant. It is Geneva.

Amon nodded with approval. Suddenly he felt unable to smile back at her. He knew that even though Geneva was not far from Vienna, it would have been especially difficult for him to travel there, as a Nazi commandant, in the middle of the millions of tasks being poured all over him. When will I ever see her again, he asked himself.

- Perfect choice. There you will be really safe.

Helena didn't want to talk more.

Unsaid words were strangling her and she could clearly hear how deeply sad she had made him. She felt so ungrateful and she wished she would have another choice. He had risked so much to save my life, she thought, he had almost died because of me and now I am tramping on his special gift and leaving him alone.

Amon's voice sounded a little forlorn when he spoke again.

- Will you send me a letter when you settle down? I just would like to know that everything is all right with you.

Probably it was only her imagination, but his bright blue eyes seemed to her to be begging her to stay. Their sight and his two sentences broke her heart into pieces again. He had tortured her so badly, both physically and mentally, not caring about how much pain and suffering he had been giving her, and now he was standing there beside her, letting her do what she wanted and all he could care about was her safety and well-being, even though he was obviously suffering.

- Of course, I will.

Amon was watching her, full of tenderness that he didn't even try to hide, and his voice was a little hoarse as if he had been smoking all night long.

- Thank you. You can always call me if you need any help.

- That is really kind of you, Herr Kommandant. – Helena was so close to tears that she was afraid of starting to weep in a second - again - it would have been a nightmare at that situation. At that very moment however she could see that her train arrived and it was ready to take up its passengers. - Platform Nr. nine. That is mine. – in spite of her intention, she spoke with an audible sigh of relief.

It made Amon's heart crushed, but instead of replying, he picked up her suitcase with his left hand quickly, and took her elbow gently into his right hand, leading Helena carefully to her train.

She followed him without a word, with a heavy heart. Is he the same man, the same Herr Kommandant, who beat me up when he was angry with me, she was asking herself, who touched me, then almost killed me for having emotions for me?

Amon's face was completely emotionless now, although his whole body was so tense that she could feel it through his hand. He accepted the greetings of the soldiers along the platform who recognised his high rank and he nodded simply. The sight of Nazi soldiers made him uneasy now, he didn't know why, while Helena seemed to be unaware of their annoying sight.

What has happened to this girl, he was wondering, yesterday she told me she must leave me because of all those people around us who could suspect the real personality of hers, who could bring danger on both of us, and now she is walking by my side as if she were completely safe. He couldn't understand why she seemed to be so calm and relaxed – possibly she is already thinking of her new life in Switzerland where there are no Nazis, where she can be who she is, he thought.

Suddenly Amon stopped at a carriage that seemed almost empty – only an old man with long white moustache and beard was sitting by the window.

- Five minutes. – he looked at Helena. - I think you should get on the train, Helena. Let me carry your suitcase till your carriage, please.

She had a hard time to keep her mask on her face and to stand still while she was shivering all over, both mentally and physically. How long do I have to keep on pretending, with some bitterness she thought, when can I be free, really free?

The decision had been made.

- It is needless, Herr Kommandant.

Amon was probably offended but he nodded only, still wearing that soft smile that became his usual since they left the railway station of Krakow and since they were living in Vienna.

- I understand, you don't need my help.

Helena could not but admire his strength and power of will. I could have never imagined that you are such a wonderful man, she whispered to him in her thoughts, you are able to amaze me every day.

- It is true.

Amon looked a little hurt, but he managed to keep the smile on his face.

Someone in the background shouted that it was high time everyone got on the train and occupied their seats. Amon didn't understand why Helena didn't move.

- I think it is time for goodbye. – his bright blue eyes, his slightly trembling lips, his whole face bore clear evidence of being so broken and defeated.

Suddenly Helena lifted her hand and caressed his cheek very softly, running her fingertips slowly and tenderly along his skin. Amon went quite pale while the small cold fingers were touching his skin.

- What…

Helena blushed a little and her hand remained on his left cheek motionlessly. She loved the touch of his skin, the sensation of touching him, and she felt some kind of strange bliss in herself.

- You are not a monster anymore, Herr Kommandant.

Amon's face became much redder than hers, remembering that night so sharply when she had been shouting those painful, but painfully true words into his face. He could have never imagined that she would ever be able to forgive him and tell him such an impossible announcement that she just said.

- Thank you, Helena, for your kind remark, but I think you should get on the train instead.

Helena was watching his boots now, holding her hands enlaced, biting her bottom lip. She was afraid of his reaction now, although she was completely sure that he would never hurt her again.

The closer they had got to the railway station, the clearer she had felt that she was unable to leave him. She knew what she should have done – running away from him, from Vienna – but this time she had to realise how much selfish she was. She felt suffocating to talk to him about her emotions, about her fears and her love for him, but she felt also suffocating because of the thought of being without him.

- I am not going anywhere.

Amon was looking at her dumbfounded. Did he hear it right or was his imagination playing with his brain?

- Excuse me?

- I said I am not going anywhere.

Amon was breathless.

- I heard you right, Helena, but why did you want to leave Vienna then?

Now Helena had to look at him again. She seemed to be completely confused and scared – however not as confused as Amon actually was. He didn't dare to believe his own ears and she knew it.

- I am sorry… I don't want to go now.

Amon took a few deep breaths while she was still watching him, waiting for some reaction. He didn't reply, he was trying to compose himself, but she could clearly see joyful surprise and happiness flashing up in his eyes. Even if he had been angry for a second, it had already disappeared. It made her calm a little though she still felt suffocating.

Helena took a deep breath, too.

- I would love to stay with you and work for you.

She didn't dare to admit that she was unable to leave him and live without him. She was unable to because she couldn't imagine her life without him by her side.

A tender smile appeared on Amon's relaxed face – it made his whole face light up. Helena thought she had never seen him so happy and so beautiful before.

- Are you sure?

- I am absolutely sure.

- Let's go home then. – he said softly and took her arm gently.

Helena didn't reply but wrapped her fingers around his upper arm gently. She was smiling too, weakly, but happily. She was not sure if it was the right decision to stay but she felt that she had to do that.