Chapter Twenty

"Show me your insides

Show me your secrets

Show me what you desire

I can fake it

Show me what you wanted

So I can be it

And if I bend just right

I can make it"

"Haven't you done enough already?"

I refuse to look in Sayori's direction, I refuse to let her words get to me. She isn't real, she isn't here, none of this is real.

Sayori creeps behind me, her icy breath smelling of rot and decay, sending shivers down my spine. "Answer me!" She yells.

I shake my head in defiance. "You're not real, this is just another nightmare." I say out loud, more to myself then to Sayori.

Sayori lets out a hoarse laugh. "You will only make things worse for them, you know that right?" Sayori circles me like a buzzard over a dying animal. Her words dripping with malice. "It's bad enough you lied to them about their own daughters death, but now after all of this time, after months of them trying to move past my death, you plan to rip open the wound all over again." Sayori tilts her head curiously, resulting in a sickening snap, I repress the urge to vomit. "Does your cruelty know no bounds?"

I make eye contact with her. "They deserve to know." I respond.

"They deserved to know sooner, when it happened. Don't pretend for a second that you're doing this for them, this is for yourself and you know it." Sayori says.

My first thought is to deny her accusation but I stop myself. After a moment I simply smile at her. "You're right."

Sayori stares for a moment, taken off guard by my response. "So you admit it then?" She asks skeptically.

"Yeah, this is for my own good, I can't keep lying anymore, I refuse." I close the distance between us and take a firm hold of her shoulders. An icy sensation spreads through my hands but I maintain my grip. The accusing glare on Sayori's face is replaced by one of fear. Good. "That being said, this is also for their own good as well. God knows they at least deserve to know what really happened to their daughter, that I was the one who killed her."

"They will hate you. You know that right? They will hate your guts for what you did, and you deserve every bit of it!" Sayori yells in a raspy voice.

"Shut up!" I scream into her face. "You're not her, Sayori would never act this way. I don't know what you are but you're not her!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

I was hoping my outburst would have some sort of effect, this was the first time I have ever fought back against my tormentor. My wishful thinking however was shut down by the smile plastered on Sayori's face. "You can kick and scream all you want, but it will never change the fact that you killed me. It will always be your fault, no matter how many people say otherwise, no matter how many times you say it to yourself." Sayori breaks free from my grip and wraps her hands around my throat. Her face is mere inches away from mine, her pale lifeless eyes stare right into my soul. "I will never let you forget what you've done to me." She says in a whisper as the dream slowly fades away.

April 19, 2019

I shoot up out of my bed in a panic, quickly taking in my surroundings. Breathing rapidly, I find myself back in my room in a cold sweat. I begin to take calming breaths to clear my mind. It was just a nightmare, it's always just a nightmare. Letting out a sigh of annoyance I fumble for my phone and check the time. 5:36 AM. Well in a way I suppose it works out, if I'm going to talk with Sayori's parents then I need to catch them before they go to work. Wiping the sweat off my face I slowly stand and enter the bathroom, beginning my usual morning routine. After a quick shower I begin to get dressed in my school uniform, glancing in the mirror I'm greeted by my exhausted reflection. The tired eyes, the bags, the scar, all of it makes me cringe. Hopefully this does something, I repeat Nakamura's words in my head like a mantra. Worst case scenario they hate me and the nightmares continue. If it comes to that, then I'll have to find another way. Taking a breath of determination I descend the stairs and exit the house.

The early morning air does little to comfort my anxiety, the short walk to Sayori's house feels like an eternity. Countless thoughts run through my head as I approach the door. How will I tell them? Will I be able to tell them? Even with every nerve in my body screaming at me to turn back, I muster up the strength to knock on their door. No turning back now. A few seconds later Mrs. Aimoto opens the door, the curious expression of someone who clearly wasn't expecting visitors this early quickly replaced by one of surprise.

"Kris! What are you doing here so early?" Mrs. Aimoto asks.

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry for coming so early, I was hoping to catch you and Mr. Aimoto before work, there's…" I stumble on my words a bit, with another calming breath I continue. "There's something I need to talk to you both about."

Mrs. Aimoto's facial expression shifts to one of concern. "Is everything okay?" She asks in a concerned tone.

I let out a small, nervous laugh. "Yeah, everything's fine. I just need to talk to you both if that's okay?"

"Of course, but Koya isn't home unfortunately. He's out of town for a couple of days."

I feel the small amount of confidence in my body evaporate almost immediately. Of course he wouldn't be home. I muster a smile for Mrs. Aimoto. "Okay, I'll come back when he returns then." I immediately turn to walk home but Mrs. Aimoto's voice stops me in my tracks.

"Are you sure?" She asks. "Whatever it is you have to tell us I can always relay to Koya?"

"No it can wait I'll just…" I fall silent for a moment, will I be willing to try this again? It took everything I had to muster up the courage to come here today. I glance in Mrs. Aimoto's direction and notice the look of concern on her face. No this needs to be said now, I can't wait anymore. "Actually, it can't wait."

Mrs. Aimoto stares for a moment before beckoning me to enter the house. I follow her inside and step into the house. I'm greeted with the all to familiar interior. The perfect walls, the perfect furniture, the perfect home. I feel a cold sense of dread spread throughout my body, I haven't been in here since Sayori killed herself. I find myself glancing towards the stairs, half expecting to see her suicide letter still neatly folded on the first step. With a shaky breath I take a seat on the couch across Mrs. Aimoto, who is seated in a chair.

"So what is it that you wanted to talk about?" Mrs. Aimoto asks curiously.

I wring my hands together nervously. This is it. "I have something I need to tell you, something that I should have told you long ago." I stop to take a breath as Mrs. Aimoto leans forward in her chair, giving me her full attention. With trembling hands and a racing heart I begin to speak. "On the day of Sayori's funeral, you asked me if she had said anything to me, If I had known anything about the cause of her suicide." Mrs. Aimoto's body tenses up at the mention of Sayori. "I told you that I didn't know anything about it, that was a lie." I put my head down in shame and begin to recount the events of Sayori's last day on this earth. No details were left out. Mrs. Aimoto doesn't say a word as I speak, slowly tears begin to form in her eyes as I describe the mental torture Sayori had been burdened with all this time. Once I finally finish, I'm unable to even look her in the eye anymore. "If I had known…If I had known that she would have killed herself, I would have never left her alone. I should have told you at the funeral…" I stop myself. "No, not even then. I should have told you the day I found out. It was clear she needed help and I was so convinced I could give it to her. Instead I only made it worse." I clench my hands together in a useless attempt to stop them from trembling. "I-I'm sorry for taking her away from you." I whisper in a weak voice. With my head hung low in shame, I wait for the yelling to begin. The accusations, for her to tell me it was my fault and that they will never forgive me. I wait and wait, but it never comes. Instead a warm hand slowly raises my face up. Mrs. Aimoto's tear stained face fills my vision.

"This couldn't have been easy for you to say." She takes a shaky breath to try and keep her composure. "While Koya and I assumed as much, that she had to have been depressed. It's good to finally know the truth, to gain closure."

"It wasn't, I understand if you can't forgive me, in fact I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I just felt that you needed to know." I begin to stand up but Mrs. Aimoto stops me.

"Don't for a second think that this was your fault." She says in a firm tone.

I'm taken aback slightly. "It was my fault though, if I had actually done something I could have…"

Mrs. Aimoto puts her hand up to stop me mid-sentence. "You said it yourself, you didn't know she would…kill herself." She had to practically force those words out of her mouth. "If it is your fault, then it's also Koya and I's fault as well."

I stare at her in bewilderment. "Don't say that, you two had no idea about her depression how could it have been your fault?"

Mrs. Aimoto gives me a sad smile. "We were her parents, it's a parents job to know what's wrong with their child, to take care of them." She wipes the tears from her eyes as she continues to speak. "Ever since she died we have done nothing but wonder what we could've done differently. Looking back it seems so obvious now that there was something wrong with her." She stops to take a few breaths to steady her shaking voice. "For months Koya and I blamed ourselves for being so blind, we almost gave up entirely, what was the point of doing anything, this life we had built for ourselves, this house filled with so many memories, what was the point of it all if Sayori wasn't around." She makes eye contact with me and gives me a smile. "Until one day it hit us, if we were to let ourselves fall apart, to abandon all of the work we have done, then we would be practically spitting on her grave. My daughter was a kind soul, she always put everyone's needs above her own even when she was a child." Mrs. Aimoto lets out a small laugh. "If she could see the state we were in, she would have done everything in her power to make us feel better. She would never want us to wallow in our guilt, not my daughter." She gently grabs my shoulders. "And I have no doubt in my mind she would say the same thing to you, if she could."

I shake my head in denial. "I did nothing but mistreat her, I practically abandoned her, she didn't deserve the pain I put her through." I look away from Mrs. Aimoto. "No, I have a feeling if she could, she would blame me for everything that happened."

"You truly have no idea how much she loved you, do you?" Mrs. Aimoto smiles. "The things she did to make you happy, you don't even know the half of it." I stare at her in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"I remember one day, years ago she came home from school. You were coming to stay over the weekend and for the entire week she had been so excited I thought she was going to have a heart attack at the age of nine." We both laugh at the thought of a nine year old Sayori practically jumping for joy at something as simple as me staying over. "The day you were supposed to come, she walks in and she just has the most determined look on her face." She smiles to herself, tears welling up in her eyes at the memory. "She walked right up to me and practically demanded that we make chicken casserole for dinner that night."

I laugh to myself. "Of course, it was our favorite food." I say in a nostalgic tone.

Mrs. Aimoto shakes her head. "No, it was your favorite food."

I stare at her skeptically. "What are you talking about? Sayori and I ate it all the time."

Mrs. Aimoto gives me a genuine smile. "Kris, Sayori hated chicken, hated it with a passion. It didn't matter how I cooked it, or what I served it with she would never eat it." I simply stare at her in bewilderment. "So you can imagine the confusion I felt that day when she asked me to make it. When I asked her why she wanted chicken casserole when she hated chicken. She told me that you were having a bad day and she didn't want you to be sad anymore. So she wanted to make your favorite food to try and cheer you up." She smiles at my shocked expression. "She made me swear to not say anything and sure enough when you came by and dinner was served, she scarfed that food down like it was her favorite meal in the whole world. She even got seconds." Mrs. Aimoto places her hand on my shoulder. "That was the kind of person my daughter was, so don't for a second ever suggest that she would blame you. Because you and I both know she wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this. Koya and I have come to terms with her death, we have accepted that nothing we do will ever bring her back. The least we can do is live the kind of life she would want for us. The same goes for you, you can tell me all you want that it was your fault and that you deserve to be blamed for her death. No matter how many times you tell me, I will never blame you and Sayori wouldn't either." Mrs. Aimoto softly embraces me as I stare at the wall in bewilderment. I slowly return the embrace and hold back the tears.

"Thank you, for telling me about that day." I say.

She lets out a small laugh. "Thank you for telling me about what had happened. You have no idea how much of a relief it is."

Mrs. Aimoto breaks the embrace and wipes the tears from her face. She checks the time gasping out loud. "I better get going, you better hurry too. I don't want you to be late on your first day back." I give her a genuine smile and say my goodbyes as I exit the house and make my way towards the campus. The heavy sense of guilt that had weighed me down has slightly lessened. It isn't much but it's a start.

I find myself standing in front of the club room door. I discreetly glance through the window, Natsuki is entering the closet, Yuri is sitting in her usual spot in the corner of the room by the window and Monika is in the front writing on a piece of paper. I smile to myself, just another day as usual. Taking a breath I gently open the door.

Upon me entering Yuri practically jumps out of her chair in surprise. Monika turns towards me and seems equally surprised, while Natsuki pokes her head out of the closet with a sour expression on her face. I stand awkwardly for a moment, unsure of what to say. Before I can speak Yuri closes the distance and tightly embraces me.

"You didn't say you were coming back today." Yuri breaths.

I smile to myself. "Wanted to surprise you." I respond. Yuri simply hums in response as Monika clears her throat.

"And a surprise it is." She remarks as Yuri bashfully breaks the embrace, becoming aware of the other's presence.

I awkwardly scratch the back of my neck. "Listen Monika, about what I said the other day…"

Monika raises her hand and stops me mid-sentence. "Apology accepted. I had a feeling you weren't telling the truth." Monika gives me a polite smile. "I'm just glad you're okay." She says sincerely.

Natsuki lingers in the back of the room. Refusing to make eye contact with me. The girls give me concerned glances. I take a breath and approach Natsuki, as cautiously as one would approach a growling tiger. "Hey Nat." I greet awkwardly.

Natsuki replies with a swift slap across my face. I can hear both Monika and Yuri shout her name but I raise my hand to stop them. "It's alright, I definitely deserved that." I say rubbing my now sore cheek.

"You're damn right you deserved that and more!" Natsuki exclaims. She marches right up to me and stares me down, even though I tower over Natsuki's small figure, her icy glare can make any man feel two feet tall. "You have any idea how stupid of you that was? Any idea at all?" Natsuki asks angrily.

"Trust me, I do." I let out a dry, humorless laugh. "Looking back now it was a pretty stupid thing to do."

"You think?" Natsuki asks in a "Yeah no shit" kind of tone. She crosses her arms and lets out a huff. "You of all people should know how suicide affects those around us. The fact you even considered it…" Natsuki's voice breaks a bit. "You dumbass." She mutters quietly refusing to make eye contact.

"You're right, I am a dumbass." I reply.

"It was the most selfish thing you could have ever done."

I smile to myself. "Yep, it was pretty selfish."

"You're lucky I only slapped you, I would love nothing more then to beat your ass."

I laugh softly. "And I would let you do it Nat. Not many people have that privilege you know."

Natsuki falls silent for a moment, she finally makes eye contact, tears welling up in her eyes. She quickly wipes them away and embraces me, catching both me and everybody else completely off guard. To say Natsuki doesn't hug people is the understatement of the century. I slowly return the embrace and she quickly breaks it, slugging me in the arm afterwards. I hiss in pain.

"That will be the last hug you'll ever get from me." She says in a serious tone.

"Damn, after a punch like that I'm not sure I ever want another hug from you anyway." I say while rubbing my arm.

Natsuki cracks a smile. "Like I said, you got off easy. Don't pull something like this again or you will be sorry." She says in a mocking tone.

We both laugh as Yuri and Monika stare in confusion. "Those two have an interesting friendship." Monika remarks.

"That's one word for it." Yuri says.

The rest of the meeting consisted of us just talking about whatever came to mind. Besides when I first walked in, no one else brought up the events of the past few days. If someone were to look in from the outside, it would seem like nothing even happened at all. If I'm being honest I wouldn't have it any other way.

The meeting ends and everybody says their goodbyes. I approach Yuri as she's packing up her stuff.

"You have any plans?" I ask.

Yuri softly shakes her head. "Nope, I'm free."

I give her a smile. "Good, you want to go for a walk?" I ask.

Yuri simply smiles in response, a slight blush creeping on her cheeks like always. We both exit the campus and begin to walk through town.

We walk for a few minutes in silence before Yuri speaks up. "Do we have a destination or are we just walking for the hell of it?"

I let out a small laugh. "There is somewhere I need to go but it's kind of a far walk." I fall silent for a moment and take a breath. "Plus I needed to talk with you alone."

Yuri glances at me curiously. "What is it?"

"I…I wanted to apologize."

Yuri furrows her brow in confusion. "For what?"

"A lot of things really, the obvious one was trying to kill myself. It was stupid and selfish of me. Never mind the fact that we had already lost Sayori this year, the fact I would even consider doing such a thing…" I grit my teeth in anger at my own stupidity. "I must have put you through hell." I say in a regretful tone.

Yuri remains silent for a while. "It was scary, I wont deny that. I can't imagine how much you had to go through to be pushed to the edge like that." Yuri takes a breath and wraps her arm around mine, leaning her head on my shoulder. "I don't need you to apologize, I'm just glad you're okay." She whispers softly.

"There's more though, when I found you in the art room, when you were cutting yourself." I lick my lips nervously. "The reason I was so desperate to help you wasn't because I thought you were suicidal." Yuri stares at me curiously as I continue. "I tortured myself for not doing anything for Sayori, I would have traded everything to get one more chance to make things right. So when I found you that day, the thought of doing nothing terrified me, I thought that If I was able to help you that I would redeem myself in some way. That the nightmares would stop." I let out a sigh. "It was selfish, I helped you to help myself and for that I'm sorry." We continue to walk in silence before the sound of Yuri's laughter shatters it completely. I stare at her in confusion.

"You are the only person I have ever met that would try and make the act of helping someone seem selfish." Yuri giggles some more before playfully hitting my arm. "Like I said you don't need to apologize about anything. Besides, before you found me in the art room, you were doing more for me then most people have ever even bothered to." I stare at her in bewilderment for a moment before laughing myself. "You have anymore apologies to hand out or is that all?" Yuri asks in a teasing tone.

"I think I'm good." I say with a smile.

"Good, cause if I'm being honest, I'm starting to run out of pity." Yuri says in a teasing tone. I playfully roll my eyes on her as we reach my destination. The playful look on Yuri's face disappears as we idle in front of the cemetery. "This is where you were heading?" Yuri asks quietly.

I nod my head. "Yeah." We stand in silence for a few moments before I let out a sigh. "There's something I need to do, so I have a favor to ask."

"What is it?" Yuri asks curiously.

"Can you wait for me here? I need to go see her alone. I won't take long, I promise."

Yuri smiles sadly at me and kisses my cheek. "Take as long as you need, I'll be here."

I smile at her and proceed to enter the cemetery. Walking the trail, I slowly begin to remember the way to Sayori's grave. With every step I feel a cold sense of dread spread throughout my body. Eventually I reach the family gravestone. Sayori's parents names are still printed in red, signaling that they are still alive, while Sayori's is simply black. I slowly run my hand over her name, tracing the Kanji with my finger. I slump to the ground, my back against the grave. After a few moments of silence I awkwardly begin to speak.

"Hey there Bun." I say in a whisper. Obviously I'm not waiting for an answer. They say it does you good to just talk, even if they aren't able to respond. Still doesn't make it any less awkward. "I know you don't like to be disturbed while you're sleeping so I won't keep you." I swallow the lump forming in my throat and take a shaky breath. "I'm so sorry Bun, I really am. I should've done more for you. I shouldn't have left you for all of those years. God knows you didn't deserve it." I wipe away the tears falling down my face. "I won't bother asking for your forgiveness. Because I don't deserve it." I let out a humorless laugh. "Everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault but you and I both know it is. Nothing will convince me otherwise." I slowly begin to pick at the grass as I speak. "I wonder sometimes, did you happen to know that day? That I was planning on killing myself." I shake my head and laugh. "It's ridiculous, there was no way you could've known and yet your timing was just so damn perfect." I shrug my shoulders helplessly. "I guess that knowledge died with you." I sit in silence for a moment, letting myself gain my composure, the words of my father still ringing in my head so many years later. "You probably already know this but I was jealous of you. I hated how you had a great home, great parents, a great life. So much so that when you told me your secret I almost didn't believe you." I rest my head against the gravestone and stare at the evening sky, watching the dying light of the day slowly disappear. "I remember thinking, how could somebody that has is so good possibly have depression?" I laugh bitterly. "It was stupid of me and I'm sorry. But the worst thing of all was, I hated how you were the one that killed yourself. It was supposed to be me, you came right back into my life and pulled me onto my feet only to go and kill yourself instead." I let out a hearty laugh. "That is so like you, to put others above yourself, to the point where you were willing to kill yourself to spare us from the burden you so foolishly thought you were. I don't know why you did it, maybe you were like me and felt like it was your only option, or maybe you thought killing yourself would save my life." I let out a long sigh. "I will never know the answer but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I killed you and I don't think I will ever forgive myself. But that's okay because if there's one thing you taught me is that everyone has the ability to lie, even someone as pure hearted as you. So when Yuri or anyone else for that matters ask me if I still blame myself, my answer will always be no. While I may never forgive myself, I refuse to let myself spiral out of control again. Killing myself would do nothing for me, it would only hurt everyone else and I know you would never want that. I don't either. Maybe one day I can convince myself that it wasn't my fault but until then, living in this world without you is punishment enough." I let out a sigh and check my phone, deciding that I spent enough time here I slowly stand up and dust myself off. I take one last look at Sayori's grave. "Sweet dreams Bun." I pat the grave stone affectionately and begin walking back to the entrance, feeling a bit better than before.

Yuri sits up from the bench as I approach her. "You okay?" Yuri asks timidly.

I flash her a smile. "Yeah, I think I am."

Yuri smiles at me and wraps her arm around mine again as we begin to walk home. She rests her head on my shoulder, content with the knowledge that I'm fine. Sometimes it's just best to lie, as long as she's fine, then I'm fine. Simple as that.