What A Tangled Web We Weave

by The0Stars0Are0Shining0

She still wakes up some mornings convinced she must be asleep because this is surely a nightmare. She was never meant to be the girl that gets a divorce. They were never meant to end up here. They were meant to be the ones that got the happy ever after. She hates him because he's ruined everything and it's not fair because she doesn't want to still love him but love him she does.

21. Chapter 21

TWENTY ONE

He's been awake for sometime. He's not slept all that much, his mind consumed with the health of the stirring figure beside him. 'Hi you'

She startles a little at his presence. He despises her reaction. It only emphasises how many mornings she's awoken without him being there. She stretches a little before turning onto her side.

'How do you feel?'

She purses her lips together. '...embarrassed' Turns her head further into the pillow.

'Of me?' He moves closer. Kisses the top of her head. 'Don't be stupid' He can't distinguish her next mumbled words. 'Huh?'

'I'm sorry' She comes out of hiding. He hears this time but barely.

He strokes her cheek. Shifts further down the bed so their eyes are more in line. Is silent for a moment as he searches her eyes '...I'm so, so worried about you'

She averts her stare. Brow furrows. '...don't be'

He runs his finger over the crease on her forehead. 'How can't I be?' He softly wonders. 'Sweetheart you're not eating properly. You're having panic attacks. You're drinking whilst taking medication. You're passing out'

'Once-'

'Once is one time too many. I didn't think anything about you having a night out a little while ago. Whilst not thrilled about it, I understood. But now' He shakes his head. 'I've barely slept Peyton'

The way he says her name has her stomach in knots.

'You should've gone home-'

'My home is wherever you are' He cuts off, his tone offhand. He sighs. '..You think I'd ever leave you in such a state?'

He watches her brain change tracks. Knows exactly who she's suddenly thinking about. 'The kids-'

'Are still with Mum-'

'But she'll have been expecting you back-'

'I text her last night and let her know I wouldn't be back'

'So she knows you're here?' Her panic is growing.

'Peyton' He sighs because her concerns hardly seem of importance right now.

'What? God everyone is gonna be talking about me. Did everyone see me faint?'

'Forget about the rest of the world. All you need to be thinking about is you right now. I'm going to book a Doctor's appointment and come with you-'

'No-'

'Yes'

'No I, it's fine-'

'It's not fine. Last night was not fine. You know that'

She swallows. '...I'll stop taking them'

'I'm not telling you to do that' He shakes his head. 'I'm all for you taking them if they're helping you but I want to hear what the Doctor has said to you for myself and you're not drinking with them'

'I know'

'Evidently not'

'I just didn't want everyone asking questions or assuming... something'

'Assuming things like you not drinking could mean you're pregnant?' He's quick to determine the why. Knew the why last night without asking. 'But holding a drink or having just the one would have sufficed if that had been the aim. Whiskey?'

'I don't know ok?' She really doesn't. 'I don't know what I was doing...Are you gonna try and take the girls away from me?'

Her bleated question has his head swivelling back and forth. 'What? Of course not' A silent tear rolls down her cheek. He wipes it away. 'I'd never, never do that. You know I'd never do that. Why're you saying that?'

'I probably seem like a crazy person right now'

'You're not crazy'

'They deserve better than me right now. Look at me Luke'

He sighs. 'You're beautiful and you're the best mother'

'I've not been'

'Peyton' He hums. '...they're not here. They're not here because you asked Mum to babysit. Just like you asked Hales to babysit them on your night out the other week' He exhales. 'You've been so mad at me and yet you've still ensured I get to see them whenever I want. You lied to them for me. And I know if Sawyer hadn't overheard you talking to Nate you still wouldn't have told her anything despite wanting to because you'd never do anything behind my back...you've clearly been feeling so...unlike yourself and yet you still manage to be the best mother' She shakes her head. 'You are...when was the last time you had one of these attacks?'

'...I don't know'

'Don't lie to me' His fingers tilt her chin up. 'Tell me'

Her eyes don't meet his despite his hand '...maybe a few weeks ago' She relents.

'Right...look at me'

She does. 'Can you stop talking to me like I'm five'

'I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to...' his hand drifts across her cheekbone. 'What happens?'

'I...can't breathe. I...I, I start sweating and I...I can't move '

He pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Blinks. '...if it happens again you'll...please call me. Please' He begs.

'...ok'

'You promise?'

'...I promise' He regards her dubiously. 'I promise'

'I hate, hate' He emphasises. 'That you've been dealing with this by yourself. I hate that I've...' His voice wavers. 'Done this to you'

She closes her eyes. Shakes her head. 'Don't do that. It's not you' She whispers.

'But it is. At least I'm a factor in it'

She sighs and burrows closer to him, head suddenly settling on his chest. It takes him by surprise. A good surprise but a surprise nonetheless. He's not stupid though. Knows she's hiding. She's silent for a long minute. 'I tried to fuck you last night didn't I?' She mumbles.

He threads his fingers through her hair. 'I fought you off' He hums back.

'Sorry. I'm sure that was real attractive. I throw up and then throw myself at you-'

'Shush. You trying to take your clothes off for me is never a bad thing'

She makes a little noise. It's disagreement. He's about to make his case that that is more than true but he's distracted by her touching her face. He knows she's inspecting it for remanence of make up.

'I took it off' He assures her. 'You weren't exactly conscious enough to remember at that point though'

'...thank you. I'm sorry'

'Stop saying sorry'

'But I am Luke' She whispers. 'I basically tell you to stay away from me and then you spend the whole night having to look after me-'

'I didn't have to do anything. I chose. I choose you every time. Will choose you every time'

She exhales shakily. Closes her eyes. Can hear the steady thump of his chest where she's resting her head.

'What did you tell your Mum?'

'The truth. That you'd fainted and I didn't want to leave you alone'

'I don't remember leaving Trek'

'No. I'm not surprised. You remember everything we talked about here though right?'

'...yes'

'Good...I miss this so much'

'What?'

'Just laying with you, holding you, being alone with you. Being us' Her eyes begin to well. She can't help it because she misses it too. Misses his hands running up and down her back. Misses the safety that she's always felt when in his arms. 'Why don't I run you a bath?'

'It's ok' She shakes her head. Feels undeserving of his pandering. Doesn't want to feel the unbearable ache when he's gone later even though she knows it's unavoidable at this point.

'Are you hungry? I can make you breakfast?'

'Luke' She sighs.

'What?'

'Stop'

'Stop what?'

'You know what'

'But why?'

'Because tonight you're not going to be here and I can't...' She exhales heavily.

'I can be here if that's what you want' She doesn't answer. 'Sorry. I get it'

'...I don't think you do'

He smiles. 'I know we see everything differently but I do understand your point of view with the kids. If it was just us it'd be different wouldn't it? You'd let me come back wouldn't you?' She swallows. Fiddles with the fabric that covers his chest. 'Because it'd only be your heart you were putting on the line. Wouldn't it?'

'It's not just us'

'No it's not...'

'You, you don't want a divorce. Right?' He almost begs. 'Right?'

'...no' His exhale is loud. His eyes fill. Arms tighten around her. 'But I don't know how to f-for-g-give y-you or m-my-s-self and we, we can't m-make anything r-right if I c-can't do th-that'

'We're gonna figure it out. We are. I promise. I love you so much. You're my whole world, whole-'

'Please stop'

'Stopping. But it's true...which is why it's killing me watching you hurt yourself' He bravely hums. '...What do I need to do to help you eat better?' She swallows. 'And don't tell me it's not a problem'

'...I don't know'

'But you know it's a problem'

'I-I'm s-sorry' Her sob takes him off guard. He's become so use to her stoic front. Her resolute no's. Her refusal to acknowledge anything is amiss. He'd been hopeful the previous evening. He had but he'd not for a second thought she'd let her guard down like this sans alcohol.

'It's ok. We're gonna get you help ok? I just need you to stop hiding everything from me' She hugs him back. 'If I make a Doctor's appointment for you are you going to refuse to go with me?'

'...I d-don't want to go b-back'

'I know. But please try, for the girls' He knows he's guilting her but can't find it in himself to not use them.

'...o-ok'

He exhales at her reply. Hadn't realised he was waiting with baited breath. Kisses her head. Opens and closes his mouth. Wants to say thank you but he can't because saying thank you is going to result in his voice cracking. Instead he's quick to change the subject. Needs to distract her. Needs her to stop crying. 'It's going to be ok...Did Hales give you my wish box?' His voice is quieter as he endeavours to keep it even.

Her blurred vision tries to focus on the bedside table where the box in question is sat. 'Oh...y-yeah' She sniffles

He'd already determined that his best friend and sister-in-law was responsible for it's presence. He squints at her. 'You've read them?'

She's managed to reign in her tears. Eases back off of him because her nose is running. Runs her hand under her nose before answering. '...maybe' Looks at him. He reaches out. Trails his thumb over her cheekbone.

'All of them?'

Her stare skitters away as she lays back down with her head on the pillow beside him. 'Maybe'

'They're meant to be a secret' He twists onto his side to face her.

'Yes. I'm, I'm sorry. It, it's not like I went and stole them though' She reasons.

'Do sacred rituals not mean anything to people these days?'

She's bemused for a moment. Eyes flutter up to him 'Sacred rituals? You two are lame' Her voice is still shaky but it's teasing nonetheless.

'You're jealous'

'That's what Hales said'

'She's right. She had no right to give you those'

'She was just being her and trying to help'

'Mmm. I've not read them back in forever. I'm sure there are things in there I'd rather you hadn't read'

'Like how much of a horny teenager you were?' She whispers.

He smiles. 'Mm. That among other things'

'...you wanted me so much'

He brushes his knuckles across her flushed cheek. 'Still do. It's never changed. How much I wanted you then is still how much I want you now. I just don't write it on little scraps of paper and put them in that rusty thing in the hopes that some almighty force will make my wishes come true...maybe I should though cause it turns out I'm not so different to that boy. He didn't know he was going to get the girl he wanted' He interlinks their hands together.

'That's part of it though isn't'

'Part of what?'

'The draw. Lusting after someone is always fuelled at least a bit by the unknown. You know everything'

'It doesn't feel like I've known everything over this last year sweetheart and you, you think knowing makes it underwhelming? That kid didn't know what he was missing. I do. And it's more than he ever dreamed of' She closes her eyes. 'Wait, are you saying you're...bored' She grimaces 'of-'

'No' Her eyes open.

'You just said-'

'I was talking about you. Not me. I'm not...I know I didn't... but I wasn't...' She sighs because she knows she's making zero sense. 'It wasn't about you, I've told you it, it wasn't about not being attracted to you. That's not what it was'

'Ok...' He nods because he does know. Not that he hasn't doubted that at times over the last year- especially when she'd first started pulling away. He's had time to quash those fears, to battle them away and be rational. 'Well don't you believe me? Believe that it's still exactly the same for me? The wanting you?'

'...yes but then...then I think about you with her and I doubt every word you've ever said to me' she mumbles.

'...can I tell you about it?' She doesn't say anything. '...I just want you to know that it wasn't some slow-'

'Do you think that makes it better for me?' She frowns. 'It happened. Does it really matter how? If I'd done that with anyone would it really mean a great deal to you how?'

'No and yes. I'd be livid regardless but if you...' He swallows because even speaking hypothetically he feels a rage growing inside of him. '...if you, you let someone undress you. Explore every bit of you. Gave your eyes to someone in the same way that you do me when we're together like that. Let them see everything, gave every bit of yourself away. I, I'd find that harder to get over...Our clothes stayed on-'

'It must've been real tricky to-'

'For the most part our clothes stayed on' He cuts off her sarcastic drawl. 'It was over quickly'

'Must have been beside yourself mustn't you-'

'Nothing about it was about her. Nothing. I was thinking about you. About how I don't want to live my life without you and I was overwhelmed. I felt like I'd lost you that night. I was pretending it was you. I know me being drunk isn't an excuse but if I'd been sober it wouldn't have happened. It wouldn't. I'm always beside myself for wanting you and I'd not had you in months-'

'You don't need to tell me it's my fault-'

'I'm not telling you it's your fault. I'm just trying to explain. I hate that you've got it in your head that I fancy her. I'm trying to explain that it, it wasn't like that. She'd literally been a shoulder to cry on all evening and then I was just, I was fucking stupid. I wanted to feel anything asides from the numbing pain that losing you brings. If I didn't want this with you, if I wasn't committed to you, to us, I wouldn't be here baby. If I wanted out you've given me the open door to be out'

She's silent. '...you gave yourself the open door to be out. You think I would've ever really left you over the money? I was angry and upset and it, you make me feel like I'm the one that's decided to give up on us but you jumped into bed with someone because I yelled some stupid thing about us going on a break because I was hurting' Her voice quivers. 'Because I felt betrayed by the fact you'd not confided in me and I know it, it was my fault you hadn't...I know I hadn't confided in you either but I...you fucking her feels like you, you didn't have faith in us resolving anything and I, I don't understand how after, after years of, of us being us you, you just thought, you just...' She shakes her head.

He grimaces. 'Sweetheart I was screwed up. I'd spent so long feeling so helpless in trying to make things right, make the things I'd done wrong right, helpless in trying to make things better for you and that night when you said you wanted a break I, it felt like you were saying you wanted us to end and it just spiralled out of control for me because you, you'd not been you for a good while...baby the fact that I'm here, doesn't that show you how much unwavering faith I do have in us...yes I freaked out that your feelings had changed for me but I know they haven't. I know they haven't. I'm not going to let your depression fool me into thinking otherwise again. I'm not going to ever stop fighting for us' He squeezes her hands. 'Never'

'...my feelings never changed...it, I was...' She sighs.

'I know. I know. But can't you see how the way we both were it, it was easy for me to feel like they had' She presses her lips together. Can see. And the guilt is back, lodged in the back of her throat. He presses his lips to her forehead. Lets his mouth linger there.

'...What would it say?' Her mumbled question has his lips withdrawing.

'What would what say?'

'If you were to put a wish in that box right now' She's changing the subject.

'I have to wait till next year now or it won't come true. Not that it matters' He grumbles. 'You and Hales have probably ruined the voodoo now'

'Voodoo'

'Voodoo' He confirms.

'That rusty box didn't make any of your wishes come true'

'No?'

'No'

'What did?' She doesn't answer. 'I don't think I could've ever got you if I didn't have some luck and magic on my side'

'...I'm not some unattainable being Luke. I don't like it when you talk like I'm this perfect-'

'You are perfect'

'No. I am not'

'You are to me'

'Everyone is flawed. Me more than most'

'But your flaws make you all the more perfect to me'

'Of course they do' She rolls her eyes.

'They do. My wish now would be the same as the last one. You read that one no?'

'Yes'

'But you meant what filthy things would I wish' He husks.

'No I didn't'

'Yes. You did. And in terms of that it'd be far more R rated than anything written in there from when I was sixteen'

'...you have fantasies that I don't know about'

'Huh?'

'I was boring'

He snorts. 'Baby there's nothing about you that's boring. I've never been unsatisfied with our sex life' She looks at him skeptically. 'Well apart from the last year' He concedes with a small smile. 'Because we haven't had one...you liked it the other week right?'

'I'm not capable of faking it'

'That wasn't the question'

'...yes'

'...Why do you think you stopped wanting me like that?'

'...I just didn't want...sex...not you...I didn't...feel like it'

'But you feel like it now?'

'This exact moment?' She shakes her head.

'I didn't mean right now'

'Right' He smiles because he can see a rosy tint working it's way up her cheeks. 'Of course you didn't, I'm gross and-'

'Not what I meant' He cuts in. 'Can you stop saying you're gross because it kinda pisses me off' He tugs her t-shirt up so he can better see her lace covered ass. 'And completely inaccurate'

'Luke-'

'How is that comfortable right now?' She's got a semi wedgie going on.

'Isn't exactly'

He smiles as he repositions her underwear. 'Better?' She looks at him through her long lashes. 'Look at you being all shy'

'I'm not' She grumbles and pushes the tee back down.

'Hey I was enjoying that view'

'...What're we doing?'

He sighs. 'Laying in bed' He knows that's not the question. 'I hope we're starting a new chapter' He hums. 'Doesn't this feel right to you? Talking to me? Wouldn't you go back to before if we could go back in time?'

'In a heartbeat'

He smiles. 'I know you can't just, just forgive me but you can vow to not give up on us. Can't you do that?' She swallows. Is silent. 'What're you thinking?'

'...that I'm scared to say yes because I don't, I don't wanna give you false hope but I...at the same time it seems like a, a stupid question'

'It does?' He trails the pad of his thumb along her bottom lip. Gazes into her eyes. Her head moves a little in a slight nod of confirmation.

'I already made those vows to you a long time ago Luke' It's barely audible but he hears.

'Please vow it again. Say you're not going to give up' She can't get her mouth to form the exact words he wants. 'You can't give me false hope because I'm never gonna stop hoping no matter what you do or say'

She sighs.

'...You're here in our bed aren't you?' It's not the words he'd demanded but her question is enough.

•••

'Oi you. Aren't you gonna say hi to me?' Lucas hums. He's followed her out into the hall. Has been watching her closely for the last ten minutes. She's been quieter than norm since returning home and has finally tried to make an escape to her beckoning bedroom.

'Hi' She's quick to surrender a greeting, her feet carrying her toward the stairs.

'A proper hi' She rolls her eyes and makes it two steps up the staircase. 'Did you have fun at Nana's?' His question has her sighing.

She glances back. 'Uhuh'

'Hey hold it' Lucas halts her continued ascent to her room.

'What, I've gotta-'

'Lost isn't lost' He smirks at his words. His assumption isn't altogether wrong. She'd been on her way to watch the tv series in question. 'It's not going anywhere, it'll still be there in half an hour' He gets a scowl in answer. 'That death glare might've scared your Aunt Brooke but not me' He declares despite being very much unnerved by the similarity between his wife and child. She startles at his words. 'Yep I heard about your little chat' He nods toward the room that he's scarcely been in in the last year; his study. She trudges down the few steps and wordlessly makes her way into the room as silently requested. 'Why didn't you ask Mummy about me and Brooke?' He wonders as he gently shuts the door. She sighs. Walks over to the bookshelf and busies herself with looking at the hidden treasures that line the shelves. 'Sawyer?'

'I dunno. I didn't want to upset her I guess. She's always upset as it is'

His daughter's observation has him grimacing. 'You believed Aunt Brooke though right?' She looks over her shoulder back at him. He sees a little bit of doubt glimmering in her eyes. Notes how that exact same expression has frequented her mother's face many times over the course of the last six months. 'There's absolutely nothing between me and Brooke. We're just friends'

'You didn't use to be just friends' She counters.

'No. We use to date back in high school but that was for such a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things-'

'You always say you knew you loved Mum from the very beginning'

'I did! Jitterbug I did. The thing is, it, love can be overwhelming and confusing and Mummy, to be honest I think Mummy was scared of how she felt for a little while. It was always her for me. Always. The only reason me and your Aunt Brooke got to talking was because I was busy trying to get to know your Mum and-'

'So you date her best friend?' Sawyer rolls her eyes then. 'Boys are so inept'

He smiles. 'Oh they are are they?' He perches on his desk. 'I'd be quite happy if you continue to think so' She twists back toward the shelf. 'I was stupid. I didn't really think I had a shot with Mummy and her not being interested seemed like a given to me. Had I known that wasn't the case I wouldn't have dated Brooke. It just got a little confusing for a moment but we were all kids' He shrugs. 'Things can be confusing when you're young...Me and Brooke will always just be friends. I'd never, never do that to your Mum'

'Just with some other woman' She mutters.

He supposes he walked straight into than one. 'You believe that I'm not dating anyone don't you?' He fears she's worrying he's doing just that. He watches the back of her shoulders shrug.

He slips off the desk then. Make the two paces over to her. 'Honey' Squats down to the floor. 'I'm not dating'

'Mum is' She abruptly announces.

He squints. '...No. She's not'

'Julian is here all the time-'

'She's working with Julian. You know she's working with Julian'

'People can work and date' She crosses her arms.

'Yes. But your Mum isn't' He answers evenly.

'How do you know? You're not here all the time. I'm here all the time-'

'What're you doing?' He interrupts. 'You know your Mum isn't dating anyone'

'Well she is. You can think what you want' She's back to scouring his shelves. Like him she too hasn't been in this room for a good while. Used to gaze at the books in awe and wonder. Still does. Because her Dad wrote a lot of these. Her Mum has illustrated a bunch of them too.

He watches her silently for a moment. 'Honey why're you making things up? I don't think your Mum would feel great about you telling lies about her'

'You just assume I'm lying'

'I'm not assuming' He confidently disagrees. 'I know you're lying'

'How?'

'I just do'

She smiles then. 'No you don't'

'Yes. I do' He shakes his head because he's not sure why he's arguing with a child. 'Your Mum told me she's not seeing anyone' He reluctantly discloses.

'Maybe she doesn't want you to know'

'Well' He sighs. 'I don't think that's likely but ok'

'Ok?' Sawyer's head twists back to regard him then. Her eyes widen.

'What?' Lucas shrugs and sits back in the vacant chair behind him.

'You're ok with her dating someone else?' She exclaims indignantly.

'I know she's not' He can't help but let out an exasperated laugh.

'It's not funny!'

'I'm sorry jitterbug, I just don't know what you're doing. I know your Mum so I already know that she's definitely already assured you that nothing is going on with Julian. Are you trying to make me get into an argument with her? Is that it?'

Sawyer rolls her eyes. 'I don't have to do anything to make that happen' She sniggers.

'We've not been arguing. When did you last hear us argue?' He questions. She shrugs sulkily. He sighs.

'...You stayed here last night' It's not a question. It's a statement.

'Yes. Did Nana tell you that?'

'No. I'm not stupid. Why else would you be here right now. You didn't come back to Nana's'

'Sherlock Holmes in the making-'

'Are you and Mum getting back together?'

They get to the heart of the matter and he falters because he doesn't know how to answer. Just a few months ago he wouldn't have hesitated. Would have given her an assertive yes. Told her he was working on it. That they'd all be back under the same roof soon enough. 'Mummy wasn't feeling well at the party. I bought her back here and didn't want to leave her feeling sick' His answer isn't to the question she just asked and earns him a dubious look.

'...She said she'd tell me if anything was happening with anyone. You're someone' She counters.

'I am someone' He confirms vaguely because he's trying to summon some profound words that'll be both satisfying and not detrimental to her.

'So you're not getting a divorce now?'

'I don't think it's right I talk to you about any of that right now-'

'Why?'

'Because it's tricky-'

'You didn't think it was tricky before. You said you were coming home'

'Right and that was wrong. I don't want to mislead you about anything again. That's why it's tricky'

'...but you, you wouldn't be mad?'

His brow furrows. 'Mad?'

'About her dating?'

He hesitates. '...Er yes I would. Mad doesn't really cover it darling' A glint of a small smile graces her lips for a brief moment. 'But I didn't just say that to you. Come here' He holds his hand out to her. She hesitantly takes it before he tugs her closer.

'...Why did you stay here last night?'

'I told you. She wasn't feeling well-'

'Whatever-'

'Sweetheart I'm not lying. Look I don't want you worrying but she fainted at the party. I bought her back here because I didn't want to leave her alone after that'

'Fainted?'

'Yes' He's not wanting to insight worry but also wants to show her that he's being honest with her. 'She's absolutely fine. She just had a dizzy spell'

'Like when she, she collapsed with...'

'No, not like with the baby' He grimaces because he's already regretting his decision to be honest. Already sure he's just made the wrong parenting choice and he's sure he's made far too many wrong choices in regards to the 11 year old as of late. 'She's fine. I promise. Milly looked her over too so you needn't worry' He hopes the mention of Milly will put any concerns at bay because the child knows she's qualified in medicine.

'...She's ok?'

'Yes, I think she's just been doing too much but you don't need to worry ok?' He sighs.

'...So that's really why you're here?' She clarifies. He doesn't miss the relief that forms in her eyes. Is confused by it because on the one hand she seems satisfied that he's not going to ever be happy about the possibility of her mother dating anyone else but at the same time the prospect of her parents reuniting clearly isn't the joyful union she'd been pining for in previous months.

'That's really why...So me and Mummy getting back together isn't something you want anymore?' He determines. To say he's disheartened would be an understatement because he never thought his daughters would be a hinderance to him getting his wife back. 'It feels like only a second ago you were begging me to come home'

'...I didn't know what you'd done then'

'I know. I know'

'I don't want Mum to get hurt. I want her to be happy'

'Of course you do. That's all I want too, I'm not going to hurt her'

'...You two were just hugging in the kitchen'

He hesitates because he'd not realised she'd caught that. '...Yes. I didn't think you guys had come in yet'

'It was just me. Batman was in the front garden and Nana and Roe were stroking him'

'Right. Why didn't you say hi?'

'Dunno'

'You didn't like us hugging?'

She purses her lips. 'I've not seen you do that...in a long time'

'I guess not'

'I don't like all the lies'

'Noted. No one is lying to you now though honey...I just think me and Mummy don't really have answers for you right now and well, it, it can be easier not to know all the details because then you won't think something is happening and then be disappointed if it's not, like what happened when I told you I'd be moving back very soon right?' She avoids his stare. 'I still love her. So, so much. That's never, ever going to change but sometimes it takes a lot more than a sorry to make things right. Sometimes hearts need time to mend' He's holding both her hands. 'You and Roe are mine and Mummy's whole world. You know that right?'

'...I know...Mum isn't gonna die right?'

'What? Honey! No of course not. Why're you asking that?' He exclaims.

'...I dunno...her Mum died when she was a kid, maybe it, it runs in-'

'Mummy is fine. You don't think that cause I said she fainted right? People faint all the time when they get overheated or have a bit of a bug. It doesn't mean she's really ill'

'I know. I just, I was thinking about it the other day'

'You don't need to think about that'

'Do you think she misses her Mum?'

'Yes'

'I'd miss her so much'

'You don't need to worry about that Sawyer' He shakes his head. 'Ok?'

'...ok'

He rises to his feet. 'I've got a good idea. Do you wanna read my first book?'

'You always say I'm not big enough'

'I know but you've had a lot of questions about mine and Mummy's past lately' He locates a hard back book on the shelf 'I think it might help answer some of those questions and convince you that what was between me and Brooke was just friendship. What do you say?' He extends the copy to her. She gingerly accepts. Has seen said book many a time. Has seen her Mum buy the book a dozen times too, despite there already being numerous copies lying round the house.

'Why does Mum always buy this when it's already here?'

He laughs. Is taken back to a very repetitive conversation.

'Seriously sweetheart?' He waves the paperback on the kitchen island.

'What?'

'You can stop buying this'

'I can't help it'

'Baby at this rate we're gonna need a whole room just for these'

'I'm proud of you is all'

'And I love that but it's a little weird. Having one lying around is one thing but these are bloody everywhere. I don't want people thinking I love my own book that much'

'You should love it. It's the best. I was thinking I might start making stuff out of them'

'Making stuff. You love it so much that you wanna destroy it'

'Not destroy it! I was thinking a side table or something would be cool'

'We're not having a side table made out of them. Did you not just hear the bit about me not wanting people thinking we're weird?'

'It's not weird' She links her hands around his neck. 'What if it's just my side table?'

'Not happening'

She pouts. 'How is it any different to you framing my drawings? You're always doing shit like that'

'Not the same'

'Is too. You know I'm gonna keep buying them'

'You know it's easy not to. You just don't'

'It's not easy not to. I see it and I get butterflies in my stomach and have to buy it'

'These are shitty paperbacks. You have the best copy published'

'I know, I love the one you gave me but I feel bad for these guys. They're like the underdogs'

'Trust you to feel sorry for a paperback book'

'I don't think she's done that for a while now' He murmurs.

'She has. She did it a few weeks back when we were in town'

'Oh?'

'Uhuh it's really weird'

'She's weird' Lucas smiles. 'This' He taps the version he's just issued her with. 'This was the first hardback copy published and I gave it to Mummy so look after it. Okay?'

'Okay' She smiles. 'Thanks Dad...I don't...not want you to live with us. I just, I like how things are at the minute cause, cause you and Mum aren't yelling at each other anymore'

'I know. It's ok. I understand'

'You're not mad at me?'

'Never Sawyer'

•••

Haley rubs her belly as she issues him with a tea.

'You're being awfully quiet Hales' He murmurs. 'It's disconcerting'

'I'm waiting for you to start speaking' She sits down on the sofa beside him. 'Is she on her own right now?'

'She's with the girls-'

'By herself? Does she need help? They can come here and-'

'I can look after the girls if that's needed'

'I know you can I'm just, I'm here if you need me'

'We know. She's not incapable of looking after the kids'

'I never said that'

'I know you didn't. I'm just saying'

'What happened last night isn't normal though Luke- I think you should go get her checked out like properly- today. I'll cover any medical expenses-'

'Oh yes, I'll just go grab her and drag her to the hospital. She's not five I can't just make her'

'I felt like you were willing to make her last night'

'I was stressed and upset'

'Yes'

'I don't think forcing her is going to help. It's Peyton'

Haley sighs because her best friend has a point. She knows Peyton Scott won't be doing anything she doesn't want to. 'I'm worried about her!'

'You think I'm not?' He rubs the back of his neck. '...she, I'm really worried about her but I, I think we had a good conversation this morning' He nods.

'Yeah?'

'Yes. It felt different'

'In what way?'

'It felt like she was accepting she needs help. She agreed to come to the Doctors with me at least'

'That's good. That's so good. You coulda led with that' She rolls her eyes.

'Sorry. I managed to get an appointment for next week'

'Right. Well that, that's something at least. Does she feel ok today?'

'I think a bit fragile physically and mentally. I asked Brooke to stay there tonight'

'You just need to ignore her and move back in'

'You think me making demands is gonna make this all go away?' He shakes his head. 'Her concerns about the girls are valid. I realised that today'

'What concerns?'

'Sawyer was upset that I stayed at the house last night. She was clearly confused by what it meant and in not so many words made it known that she'd rather I didn't move back in'

'Sawyer?'

'I was as surprised as you...but I, she goes onto say she prefers it when we're not yelling at each other. They've overheard one too many an argument this year. They've seen and overheard far too many things and I, I think it would be unfair to put them through anymore-'

'But there's no saying it'll be that'

'I need her to feel like she can trust me just as much as I need Peyton to' He nods.

'Peyton wants to be with you. Don't get drawn into the divorce talk. She's just hurting'

'Yes hurting a lot and I, I need to fix that before I start making any demands on our living arrangements'

'And you're not hurting?' He swallows. 'You never think about yourself-'

'Don't make out that she's selfish-'

'I'm not. I'm not. She's not. I know she loves you so, so much and when it comes down to it, even now, I know she'd do anything for you. But you always try and protect everyone. You can tell her how you're feeling'

'I am Hales. I'm working on being honest, I have been honest with her. There, there's been a lot of home truths about a lot of stuff' Haley squints at him. 'Some that, that I'm actually finding quite hard to...' He swallows thickly.

'Luke' Haley edges closer to him. It takes her a fraction longer than usual given the extra weight she's carrying but her hands are soon encasing his.

'She, she's not eating and she's, she's taking pills'

'Pills' Haley frowns.

'You cannot talk about this. Not to her. Not to Brooke. Ok? This is between you and me and if you tell Nate you better get him to bloody keep his mouth shut cause I can't handle her being mad at me for talking to you about this-'

'You're allowed to talk to your friends. She'd not begrudge you that'

'I think this is different'

'I don't. She's barely spoken to me about you guys and I, I know it's because she wanted you to have us because she's had B. Because even when she's hating you there's a little part of her that's actually looking out for you. But I won't say anything. I promise I won't'

He relaxes back into the sofa. '...Xanax' He mumbles after a beat. 'She's been having panic attacks. I only found this out last night' He scrapes his hand through his hair.

Haley licks her lips. '...right'

'...she's meant to be able to talk to me about anything but she, she hasn't. Not any of this' He pinches the bridge of his nose.

'She's told you now'

He swallows. Nods. 'I...I feel like I've done this to her'

'No Luke. Yes maybe your actions might have contributed to some things going on with her but you haven't done this' She shakes her head.

'I'm meant to make it better. Not worse-'

'You can't fix everything all the time. The eating, god that's not a new thing. I know none of us talk about it but she, you don't think we've all noticed how little she eats some times?'

'You have?'

'Luke you're family. Of course we have'

'Sometimes I convince myself I'm overreacting and then Brooke makes a comment and I realise it's not just me and...you've never said anything to me'

Haley shrugs. 'Nor have you'

'It's not like you not to say anything'

'I just, I guess, she can eat normal too can't she? At which point I can see how you convince yourself you're overreacting'

'...this is the worse it's been though. She's always been so small but right now' He shakes his head. 'When I was carrying her dead weight last night' He sighs. 'I feel like Jamie could bloody pick her up at the minute'

'Well he is freakishly strong' Haley murmurs, a wane smile at her lips. '..what does she say when you bring it up?'

'Well there's been many a you're ridiculous but she started crying this morning and there's been a lot of sorry's' Haley's eyes begin to fill. Lucas is quick to note her glassy gaze. 'Don't cry'

'I'm not'

'Sure you're not'

'I can't help it. I'm real emotional at the minute. I cried this morning when Lydie tied her shoe laces'

Lucas smiles. 'She did?' He's not really surprised but it had taken his own children a couple more years before they'd mastered the art of tying bows.

'I dunno that she'll be doing it again because her Mum freaked her out' Haley sighs. 'I just wish we could take away what she's feeling' She's back to talking about Peyton.

He swallows. 'But we can't'

'No' Haley shakes her head. 'And you realising that is huge Luke'

•••

Moira's brow raises. 'Why do you think you haven't mentioned this Peyton?'

'I don't know. I didn't want to talk about it'

'Not talking about it doesn't make it any less real' Lucas hums. 'You pretending you're not having panic attacks hasn't made them go away has it? You pretending you don't have issues with food hasn't made that go away either.'

She presses her hands into her thighs. Blinks. '...I know'

Moira's eyes narrow as she regards Peyton. 'It can be tiring trying to keep up appearances' Peyton swallows. 'Do you think maybe you've been trying to do that?'

'I'm ok. Really I'm ok' She nods. 'I was stupid over the weekend and it...it just...' Her shoulders shrug.

'Sweetheart stop trying to brush it under the rug'

'I'm not'

'No? You're not ok. Moira is here to help you. Us'

'I know'

'Do you think there's any one thing that has triggered the panic attacks?' Moira wonders.

'I don't know. I've, I've not had one in a bit'

'Ok. What happened the last time you did?'

She falls silent.

'She said the first one happened the day I moved out' Lucas reveals.

'Right. Ok. I can imagine that was an overwhelming day?'

Peyton's face contorts. She nods once. '...it, it tends to...to be if I, I'm thinking about...'

'About?'

'Do, doing this alone' Her words falter a little.

'You're not doing anything on your own' Lucas is quick to announce.

'I know' She nods. 'I do know that. I, I know it's irrational'

'You mean alone in looking after the children?' Moira tries to clarify.

'I know he'd never do that. He, he's the best father. He, he'd never leave them but I, I think that, that did scare me at first' She nods.

'Peyton you made me move out. I didn't go voluntarily'

'I know. I know that. But I...you slept with her and I, I think a part of me thought maybe...'

'You thought I was gonna move states to move in with Lindsey five seconds later?'

'...I don't know'

'I don't know how many different ways I can tell you that I'm not interested in her. If I was don't you think I respect you enough to be upfront? What purpose would I have in trying to convince you I love you if I wanted to be with someone else?'

'I know that really'

'Not if you're having panic attacks about it you don't' He disagrees.

'I, my body just...I can't control it'

'And it's when you're thinking about us being separated? When you're thinking about me with her? When you're thinking about raising the girls as a single parent?' Lucas clarifies.

'...that...is the running theme'

He grasps her hands. 'I'm not doing that. You know I'm not. Even in some insane universe that I were interested in anyone but you you know I'd never abandon the girls to start a new life with someone in a different bloody state. I'd still be here co parenting with you.'

'I do know that I just, people do crazy shit. You've done crazy shit Luke-'

'Well that's a kinda crazy that isn't even fathomable'

'This whole year hasn't been fathomable'

'No' He agrees. Desperately draws her hand to his mouth. Leaves a lingering kiss to her palm.

She's self conscious of the watching eyes on them. 'Luke' Exhales his name. It's a plea to stop. It's a plea that reminds him they're not alone. He relinquishes her hand.

'Sorry' Scrapes his hand through his hair. It's an apology to the therapist.

'Why're you sorry?' Moira wonders.

'I just, I find it easy to forget other people are in the room sometimes when I'm with her'

'I won't be offended' Moira smiles. 'Whilst you see Peyton's worries as inconceivable realities can you see perhaps why her mind might have wandered there and created these fears'

'Yes. I, I hate that I've sparked the thoughts she's having and I feel helpless in making them stop, for her to believe me, trust me again'

'I know you'd never leave the girls. I do know that. I do believe you'

'Not just them Peyton. You. And that's the bit I don't think you do believe'

She doesn't answer. Doesn't know the answer.

'Trust and belief comes with time. Comes with actions' Moira voices.

He sighs. 'I know I'm being impatient. I know I erased years of her trust and belief in one single night'

'I didn't say you were being impatient' Moira disagrees. 'I'm just trying to highlight to you both that it can be rebuilt... So you're going to the Doctor's to discuss the medication?'

'Yes' Lucas answers for his mute wife because quite frankly he doesn't want her to have any opportunity to change her mind.

'I think it'll be good to have Lucas there to discuss that. How do you feel about the appointment Peyton?'

Lucas's head swivels back to regard her. Watches her shoulders shrug up and down. '...I guess I'm... concerned cause he's gonna tell them I fainted and it's gonna be a whole thing'

'It is a whole thing sweetheart'

She sighs.

'I think a bigger concern than the medication is the not eating and decision to drink when knowing you're taking meds' Moira expels. 'Can we talk about your appetite some? Do you remember the first time you didn't feel like eating?'

There's an uncomfortable silence for a moment before she breaks. '...When Mum died I think I definitely lost my appetite' Lucas's brow raises because he's never heard her say that before and it makes his heart ache. 'I was, I was just a kid but I remember feeling sick all the time and I just didn't want to eat' She's talking about when she was just nine. A couple of years younger than their eldest daughter. '...maybe when I, I'm upset or stressed maybe I don't eat properly in some weird coping kind of way' Her voice has become very quiet. 'I, I don't think it, it's like a conscious thing...and then at, at the same time it is maybe a bit...it's like...'

'Like?' Moira urges.

'I, I can better control feeling sick or something if I, I just don't eat' He's looked up eating disorders enough times in the past to feel concerned about her use of the word control. He stares at her long and hard. 'You're angry' Her voice wavers.

'...Angry?' He summons, hopes his voice sounds more even than it feels. 'Of course not...How many times have I tried to talk to you about this though sweetheart?'

'...I, I didn't think it was a problem. It's, it's not like I've been trying to, to convince you that I'm ok when I'm not. I'm ok I'm-'

'You're not ok! Do you count?'

'Count'

'Count calories' He tersely clarifies. She swallows. He already feels like he knows the answer. She ducks her head. Her hair falls down to conceal her face. He tucks it back behind her ear. 'You count' He decides.

'No, not really'

'Don't lie. There's been days when I've counted what you're eating because I know you don't get enough. If you're counting you know you're not consuming enough calories' Her bottom lip wobbles. 'I feel like you're contradicting yourself'

'What?'

'You just said it's about controlling not feeling sick, why would that involve you needing to count calories? I don't understand...I've seen pictures of you from when you were a kid. I've known you since we were teens. There's never been a time in your life where you've even been a little chubby-'

'It's not about wanting to be skinny' She's quick to blurt. 'I wish I were curvier. Especially cause I know you'd prefer it if I were-'

'No I wouldn't' He disagrees. 'I don't wish you were anything other than healthy'

'Don't lie'

'I'm not!'

'I saw the way you looked at me whenever I've been pregnant. At the time when you can't really tell but I'm bigger-'

'I'm not allowed to be turned on by knowing you're carrying our child?' He cuts in. 'Of course I am. Watching you change is beautiful but that doesn't mean I don't love you as you are. Not for a second!' His voice is raising. He rubs the back of his neck. Can feel his palms sweating.

'What're you thinking Lucas?' Moira senses he's holding back.

He swallows. Looks at the woman. '...that she's describing an eating disorder right now-'

'No I'm not!' Peyton is quick to disagree. 'I'm not!'

'Peyton you literally just said you purposefully don't eat to control a situation when you're feeling out of control!' Lucas blurts.

'No I didn't! It, it's not like that! You'd know if I had an actual eating disorder. I do eat! You see me eat'

'Hardly right now'

'Now is sort of a unique situation! I didn't think I'd ever be here. I think my stress levels aren't that questionable right now! When I'm stressed I don't feel hungry, or, or feel so sick that I don't want to' She scrapes her hand through her hair. 'Stop shaking your head'

'I can't help it I feel like you, you're lying to me about what you, you're really thinking because you know it's not, not right' Her nostrils flare. He moves closer. Wraps his arm around her. Draws her close. '...you can say anything to me even if you think I'm not going to understand'

Silence.

'...I hate it' She mumbles eventually.

'Hate what?'

'My...my body'

'You're so beautiful Peyton! So beautiful'

'It's never done anything I want it to!' She blurts.

He rubs her back as she shudders. His eyes widen as she's suddenly breathing exaggeratedly. 'Baby shh. Calm down' Her hands claw at her thighs.

He grabs her wrists tight. 'Stop. What're you doing?!'

'I can't...breathe'

He's squatting before her now. 'Look at me' He holds her hands to the seat. Her eyes find his. He takes in her startled expression 'Copy me' he coaches. 'In...out'

'I...'

'In. Out' He repeats.

Moira has migrated to the sofa with a glass of water and sits beside her in the space Lucas had just vacated. 'Try and concentrate on what's in the room Peyton. What can you see?' Lucas thinks the therapist might have lost the plot then. 'Desk, Clock, Shitty art, Shelf, Books, Lucas, Me, Sofa' Moira's voice continues to softly drawl a list of items. Peyton's eyes seek out said objects as the woman beside her repeats them.

Much to Lucas's surprise he can tell this absurd game is helping her calm down, a little bit at least. He stays silent, his thumbs rubbing her hands in encouragement.

'Desk, Clock, Shitty art, Shelf, Books, Lucas, Me, Sofa'

Eventually her breathing steadies.

'Better?' Moira murmurs.

'...yes. Sorry'

'Don't say sorry' Lucas shakes his head.

'Yes. Don't say sorry' Moira agrees with a small smile. 'Do they usually last longer than that?'

'...I don't really know. I don't seem capable of timing it. I think that...the objects...that helped' She mumbles.

'Well we can talk about other methods to help you when you're feeling like that too. I know it might seem silly but making a list of things we can see and repeating it over and over is a way to get our brain to switch tracks'

'...ok'

'...It's not your fault Peyton' Lucas bleats suddenly. He's concerned his words will spark her to return to the state she was just in but he can't help himself. 'He's not here because of bad fucking luck. Not because of your body. Your body gave us Sawyer and Roewyn'

She nods. '...I know'

'And as for what I think about your body?! You're beautiful'

She sniffles. '...Stop'

'You are though!' He looks at Moira. 'Isn't she?'

Moira smiles. 'I happen to agree but if Peyton isn't feeling that way then we need to help her try and navigate the animosity she seems to have towards herself' His head bobs vigorously. His eyes have gone glassy. 'You ok Lucas?'

'Yeah I just...' He looks down. 'I'm fine' His head jerks back up after a beat. 'How about a meal plan?' He proposes. 'I'll do it and you can just-'

'Luke-' she cringes.

'Actually scrap that, I'll just deliver your meals. Me not being there to cook hasn't probably helped has it?'

'I can cook a meal despite what you think' She mumbles.

'I know you can but me doing it will take away the stress of you thinking about it' She presses her lips together. Her silence probes him to continue. 'And it'll be good for the girls. For us to spend family time together. Whatever is happening with us that'll be good for them. Especially Sawyer, I need her to remember that you and me can be in the same room together and not argue'

'Maybe you could give it a go for just one evening and then if you feel like it's something you'd like to do you can start by doing it just once a week?' Moira proposes. Peyton exhales. 'What're you thinking Peyton?'

'That I don't like feeling like a burden-'

'You're not!' Lucas is quick to interrupt. 'God you're not-'

'I don't want to be dependant-'

'You're not. You've always been painfully independent'

'Painfully'

'Yes. It upsets me when you don't lean on me. I know I always want to fix everything and sometimes I need to just, not do that but I don't think it's wrong for me to want to be leaned on. To want to look after my wife. I lean on you all the time'

'For what?'

'Why're you shaking your head? I bloody do. You don't even know you're doing it. Sweetheart you're the reason I have a career-'

'Don't do that. You're the only one that deserves credit for what you've achieved'

He smiles. 'And whilst you thinking that is sweet it's not true. You're in every word I write. You're on my case when I'm floundering, you inspire me, you look after my children. You look after me'

'...You've never told me about anything big that's going on with you. Unless it's been something good-'

'That's not true'

'Yes it is. You didn't tell me when you figured out Dan killed Keith-'

'Oh come on that was forever ago. We were kids!-'

'The book not doing well for. You didn't confide in me about that- you lied about it. You didn't confide in me back when Dan was being released from jail- I found out from Haley-'

'You'd just had a miscarriage Peyton I didn't want-'

'Exactly, you don't lean on me because you think I'm too fragile and can't handle anything and apparently you're right'

'You're so wrong' He disagrees. 'You're the bloody strongest person I know! I might not have told you stuff sometimes but that's because just being with you helps me. You don't have to say anything'

'Well maybe I want to!' She bleats. Her outburst silences him for a moment. '...you think it's romantic but sometimes it, it's suffocating and it, it pisses me off'

He looks pensive. '...ok'

'I never asked to be put first all the fucking time and then I feel fucking guilty for putting anything on you!'

He frowns. Swallows. '...I'm sorry'

'No. Don't say you're sorry. See I'm just the bitch that's continually mad at you for being sweet'

He smiles at that. 'No. I hear what you're saying and it, it's not insane ok? I get upset when you don't tell me what you're thinking so of course you get upset when I'm not telling you stuff' She looks at him. Blinks. '...I'm upset right now' He nods. 'I'm upset cause I don't, I don't understand how you feel the way you feel about yourself when I see you, your body...' His hands settle on her thighs. 'I'm so grateful for your body for so many reasons' She swallows. 'Please...please let me cook one meal. It's not a big deal is it?' She sniffles. Sighs shakily. 'And if it makes it worse. Or you get mad at me or whatever, then, well then we don't have to do it again...please'

'...ok'

'Yeah?'

'For the girls'

'You acknowledging that something is for you and not the girls isn't a bad thing Peyton' Moira hums. 'You don't need to feel guilty for putting yourself first sometimes. Your needs are as important as theirs and dismissing them isn't good for them'

'...I know. I, I've made so many mistakes with them lately'

'Parenting is hard work. We're all learning on the job. You grow with your kids. Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them. Kids and adults alike...It feels like you're both seeing each others perspectives a whole lot clearer from where I'm sat today' Moira hums. 'Did you two trialling a divorce this week in the way we discussed not really happen?'

Peyton looks down. '...no. That was my fault' She murmurs.

'But you've decided we're not doing that haven't you?' Lucas is quick to question.

'You've had a change of heart over divorce?' Moira questions.

'Not a change of heart-'

'Peyton-' Lucas tries to interrupt.

'Because wanting and thinking something is right is two different things' She carries on. '...You think I've ever wanted a divorce? I just...I don't see how we're gonna...' She claws her hands through her hair. 'I can forget every now and again and then I, I find myself wanting to hurl a plate at his head' She confides.

'You can throw as many plates at my head as you like' He teases.

She sighs. '...and then I feel guilty because I know it's not all his fault' She swallows. '...but if, if I can't, can't let it go how is, is that going to be nice for him or me or the girls?'

'As I've said, trust can be rebuilt. Relationships can be mended' Lucas's head nods enthusiastically with Moira's words. 'If you're committed you can come back from this. There are fundamental issues that have led you both here' Peyton's nostrils flare. 'But from my point of view you both still have a great deal of love for one another. You've both been grieving. You've both been dealing with your individual issues alone. I'm not here to tell you what you should and shouldn't do but if I'd seen evidence that this marriage was beyond fixing I'd most definitely be advising you of ways to navigate separation'

'Luke' Peyton murmurs because his bobbing head is making her feel dizzy.

'Sorry I just, I agree'

'I know you do'

'There's no harm in trying. You think that too. You're sat here' Lucas asserts.

'I'm sat here' She nods.

'...you seem hesitant to verbally agree to anything Peyton' Moira observes.

'I know what he's like, I know how he'll get'

'I'm not gonna pressure you to do anything'

'Putting your heart into this and saying you want to try and fix this doesn't mean you're not entitled to change your mind at any given moment. It does not mean to say you can't switch roads at any point' Moira counters.

'...I don't want to give him false hope'

'I told you already. There's no such thing as false hope right now Sweetheart. You giving me any semblance of hope is hope. And I'll take it'

•••

'Daddy! Nana!' Roewyn catapults at both of them in turn.

'Hey my favourite seven year old' Karen chants.

'I'm the only seven year old you know Nana' Roewyn informs her.

'Still my favourite. Where's Mummy?'

'She's just needing 5 minutes' She waves her fingers dramatically. 'That's all. 5. Is that too much to ask?'

Karen laughs because she expects the child has just been told such. 'I don't think so. Do you?'

'I guess. I only wanted to show her my new dance I made up'

'And what was she doing at the time?'

'Putting clothes on'

Karen smiles knowingly. 'What about your sister?'

'She's making cookies even though Mummy said she's not allowed cause she's gonna make a mess and we're not meant to be doing that today'

'I'm gonna go check on that then' Karen decides.

Lucas lifts up his youngest child as his mother disappears. Is sure to make an exaggerated noise as he heaves her up. 'God you're getting heavy'

'Uhuh. I'm strong'

'Yep' Lucas kisses her. 'And awfully cute right now'

'Why is it awful?'

'It's not awful' He smiles 'It's just one of those things. You know when something is so cute you wanna cry?'

'Like that cute puppy that you wouldn't let us have' She sticks her lips out.

Lucas ignores her. 'Got you a kitten instead didn't I?' He sets her back down on the ground. She's quick to lean against him, big eyes staring up at him like butter wouldn't melt.

'Uhuh. Batman needs Robin though Daddy'

'Don't push your luck Roe Boat'

'Why're you here?'

'I'm gonna help Mummy pack some things up'

'Cause we're moving?'

'Uhuh'

'I'm gonna have a new room and you know what Mummy is gonna paint on the wall?'

'What's that?'

'A T-rex. But a friendly one'

'Wow'

'Uhuh. And a rainbow'

'Sounds amazing Roe-boat'

'Uhuh'

'You wanna go and see Nana and Sawyer whilst I go say hi to your Mum?'

'I dunno if that's a good idea Daddy. She's a bit t-rexy today'

He laughs. 'Thanks for the warning. I think I'm quite well trained with Dinos'

'You are?'

'Uhuh. One of my many specialities'

'She might bite though Daddy' Roewyn grins as she's quick to get engrossed in a game of make believe.

Lucas smirks. 'She has been known to. Don't worry I know the secret of keeping her calm'

'You do?'

'Uhuh. Wanna know?'

'Uhuh'

He bends over and cups his hand against her ear. 'You just do this' He hesitates before roaring loudly. She shrieks in surprise and then giggles in delight as he tickles her sides.

'Daddy!' She's soon on the floor. 'Stop!' He does. She smiles up at him. 'I..don't think...that's gonna keep...the Dinosaur calm Daddy' She breathes.

'No maybe not. But see you're worn out now and smiling no?...come on' Holds his hands out to her. 'Come on' Pulls her up off the ground. 'You go find Nana'

•••

'Knock knock'

'Isn't knock knock when you're already opening the door Luke' She's laying on the bed 'Just like your daughter'

He smiles because her arms and legs are spread wide. 'You look like a starfish'

She's quick to rectify that. Sits up. 'Is it the end of the day yet?'

'Not quite' He smiles. 'Alright?'

'Yeah' She paints on a smile. 'Sorry. Just taking a minute'

'Tough morning?'

She sighs. Pouts as she rises off the bed. 'Do I look that shit right now?'

'No' He laughs. 'Much the opposite. Roewyn just warned me you might be a bit t-rexy'

'T-rexy' She repeats. Glares. 'Bloody child has been doing pirouettes around me whilst I pee and try and shower and then Sawyer's asking to bloody bake-'

'Yeah think Mum might be trying to reign that one in'

'She's not down there baking'

'Erm. Word on the street is yes'

'Why don't they listen to me?!'

'Cause they're annoying?' He suggests. 'I'm sorry' He's within reach of her now. His arms encase her before she can flee. She stiffens but doesn't try to make an escape.

'I'm not a t-rex' Mumbles.

'No. You're really not. More like a Ceratops if we're going prehistoric' Her head cranes away from his smothering hold. 'Oh come on Cera is so cute in Land before time' He answers her glare.

'The anti-heroine, bullheaded one'

'Well yeah but Little Foot got through to her no? Then they were best of friends in the end. She was just scared to begin with'

She rolls her eyes. 'And let me guess. You're Little Foot right?'

'He is adorable. You've said so many a time' He smirks.

'Dickhead'

'Yep yep yep'

She smiles. 'Now Ducky is so cute'

'So cute' He confirms. 'We need to watch it again. Have we shown Roe it before?'

'I don't know that we have- we watched it with Sawyer'

'Yeah. And she was horribly unimpressed'

'She was going through the Grinch and only the Grinch stage'

'When it was Christmas for 365 days straight' He laughs because he'd watched said film enough to last a lifetime in the year in question.

'Roe is all about the Dinos right now'

'Yeah. She'd love it...So I actually came up here to tell you that Mum is gonna take the girls out of our hair for a bit so we can get more packing done'

'Really? That would be amazing. I feel like there's shit everywhere and I just keep moving things from one side of a room to another' She hits his chest because he's smiling a smile that is all amusement. 'That wasn't an admission that I'm shit at packing'

'Sure it wasn't. How you feeling today asides from the gremlin children?'

'Okay'

'Okay'

'How're you feeling today?' She retorts.

'I'm wishing I'd got here an hour ago so you didn't have to deal with them two by yourself. I'm feeling sad about packing everything up. Sort of dreading it to be honest'

'...you don't have to help'

'That's not what I was saying. I want to help. It's just sad too you know?'

'I know'

'This room has a lot of wonderful memories'

'...yeah'

'They out weigh any bad right?'

'Of course they do but some times the bad lingers more than the good'

'Yeah...I see you laying down there covered in blood a lot'

'You do?'

'...yes. That was the scariest day of my life Peyton. I thought I might lose you' He strokes her cheek. She lets her head rest in his hand for a minute as she looks up at him.

'...we should go help your Mum'

'Yeah' His fingers reluctantly withdraw. She looks down. His eyes follow. Gets a glimpse of something glistening around her neck. Eyebrow raises. He wants to yank her back before him and reach inside her dress to see if what has caught is eye is what he thinks it is. Doesn't though because his Mother and children are downstairs and she's right. They should go relieve her. But mostly he'd rather be completely alone with her to properly investigate.

•••

'You're not exactly being the helping hand I envisioned right now' She looks at him through narrowed eyes because it sort of feels like he's been shadowing her since his mother and their children left some forty minutes ago.

'I'm helping'

'At the pace of a tortoise' She's holding a box of crockery and walks cautiously toward the small utility room. He follows. 'Why're you following me around like a headless chicken?' She enquires. He doesn't answer. 'This is meant to be your jam no? Mr I'm the best at packing. You're not helping' She sets the box down on the side. Notes the tumble dryer has stopped. Opens the door and begins to fold items.

'You know what you said to me last week?'

'We've had many a conversation in the last week' He grimaces at the way she's folding a pair of Roewyn's pyjamas. Wants to refold them properly because she's done it all wrong. They've already been placed in the laundry basket before her though. 'What one are you referring to?' She tilts her head to him.

'The one' He takes a step closer to her. 'Where' Another step. 'you said I could' Her eyebrow kinks as he confiscates one of Sawyer's shirts. Discards it on the side and pushes the laundry basket to the back of the counter.

'Luke-'

'Have you anytime I want' He drawls. She swallows. He's caught her off guard. Her head twists away from him, hands reaching for the basket. 'Don't' He grabs her wrist and jerks her round to face him.

'Luke!' She exclaims.

'I want you'

'I've gotta-'

'Peyton' He walks her the two steps backward until she's flush against the wall. She swallows. 'I. Want. You' She opens her mouth but he's quick to speak because he doesn't want to hear a no pass her lips. 'You're wearing them' He murmurs.

'What?'

He smiles at the rosy tint that's working its way up her cheeks. One of his hands drift to the open collar of her shirt dress. Finds the fine chain that's sat there. Pulls it free. Holds her wedding band and engagement ring up. Holds up what has him in such a fluster. Has had him in a fluster for the last hour.

'They were on my dresser. I didn't want them getting lost in some box' He smiles at that. 'Your Mum will probably be back in a minute with the girls-'

'No she won't. She's trying to keep them out of our hair for a couple of hours isn't she? Besides you know Roewyn will be hard work tearing away from the swings' He disagrees. 'And Mum is a push over. They're gonna be a while. These could go back on your hand you know' She doesn't say anything. 'No hurry. Whenever you want' He shakes his head. 'They can stay here until you're ready' He tucks the chain back into her dress. 'That's sexy as fuck'

'What is?' She quirks an eyebrow as she looks back up at him.

'The thought of you in nothing with those hanging round your neck' He nuzzles his nose against hers.

She inhales. 'You get turned on by the smallest thing'

'Not small' He presses his forehead to hers. 'The thing that symbolises our vows to each other sitting next to your heart, come on that's beautiful baby' She gasps as he cups his hand against her most abruptly.

'Luke I'm...' Swallows '...packing. And you're meant to be h-helping' She breathily declares as she grips his wrist.

'I am helping' He nods. 'I'm de-stressing you' He leaves a chaste kiss to her lips. 'Did you not mean it?'

'Mean what?'

'Before. When you said I could have you whenever I want'

She licks her lips. 'I was drunk'

'But you remember saying it'

'...Yes'

'And you meant it?' Her eyes find his intense stare. She takes a shaky breath. He smiles. 'Hm?' Brushes her hair back behind her ear with his free hand. Her mouth opens wide as he presses his finger hard against her. 'Hm?' She gasps. He smirks. Tilts his head. 'Hm?'

'...yes'

A noise sounds in the back of his throat as he slides his tongue into her mouth then. It's need. It's relief. It's long awaited contact. Because not kissing her like this every single day is like he's being deprived of air. She's not trying to escape. Something he'd sort of been anticipating because despite what he deems to be their significant progress in the last week he still knows she's having an internal battle with herself on a daily basis. He presses her into the wall, lets his body find its rightful place; cocooning her. He's always marvelled at the way their bodies seem to go together like a jigsaw puzzle. She's always called him sappy for it but he says it's just true. He thinks it's more true now than it's ever been. Feels as though he's master of her body as she arches herself against him. His forehead is pressed to hers now. His eyes gazing into hers as he lets her catch her breath. He doesn't say anything. Presses his lips to hers in a sweet closed mouth kiss and smiles before lowering to his knees.

'What're you doing?' She's dazed and confused by this attack.

'What I want' He answers simply.

She shakes her head. 'This is hardly the time Luke' His hands close around her hips and keep her caged where she is.

'Uh uh. Stay' He tuts. 'Moira thinks I put your wants before my own 24/7' Her eyebrow shoots up at the mention of their therapist. 'Apparently I should put mine first sometimes' He presses his nose to her crotch then. She gasps. Fingers grapple at his shoulders.

'Lucas!'

He smirks at the way her voice wavers. He inhales loudly as he drives his face further into her dress. Smirks as it has her involuntarily arching. 'Putting mine first shows you how much I want you' His voice is muffled but she hears. Swallows as he rocks his nose against her. 'It's good for the both of us. When I put you first so much you unconsciously hide your feelings so I don't take on anything bad you're feeling' His hands creep beneath her dress. Glide up her legs. She blinks. 'Because I'll inevitably try and fix it and I can't fix everything. Not when it comes to your emotions. I can only be here' He eases back a little. Looks up at her. 'Sometimes not fixing it and just telling you I'm here for you is what you need' He pulls her underwear down. She bends away from the wall to assist him. 'Right?'

Her heart is racing wildly. She licks her lips as he lifts her right foot to remove the fabric around her ankle. 'Is that what Moira said?'

'No. Well we talked about it a lot and I came to those conclusions. Am I wrong?'

She contemplates his question. 'I've never really thought...You can't stop someone feeling something they're feeling'

'No. I kept trying to make your feelings disappear which was impossible. To the point where you just shut me out'

'You were just trying to make me feel better' She acknowledges. She strokes her hand through his hair. 'Come on, get up'

He smiles. 'Nope. I told you, I'm practicing doing what I want'

She exhales shakily. 'You going down on me is still putting me first Luke' She rolls her eyes because she thinks only he could possibly regard this as putting himself first.

'That's a matter of opinion'

'Most guys would be pushing me to my knees-'

'I'm not most guys am I? I'm your husband. This is what I want right now baby' She inhales sharply as he lifts her left leg and drapes it over his shoulder. Smirks as he looks up into her flushed face.

'Why?'

'Cause you're beautiful and I want to show you'

'I'm gross right now' She mumbles, her head shaking. 'I'm all dusty and sweaty and-' Her words die as he hoists the fabric of her dress up.

'Hold' Her fingers hesitantly claw into the fabric. Her eyes wide as she gazes down at him. 'What did I tell you about saying that? You've never been gross in your life Peyton Scott. You're so beautiful' Her brow furrows. She disagrees but she loses her ability to speak when he turns his face into her thigh, nuzzles. He's not clean shaven and the feeling reminds her of her early 20s. Is reminded of a period when he decided facial hair was his thing. He'd swiftly given it up because it turns out her skin wasn't the biggest fan. He presses his lips to her skin. Opens his mouth. Sucks. Hard. Feels her shudder. Feels the material of her dress settle a little on his head as her fingers splay against the wall behind her most abruptly. He wants those hands in his hair. He blindly pushes the obstructing skirt to the wall as he navigates a path to where she's aching for him. Delights at the way her hips jerk forward, coaxing him there. Delights at the way she inhales sharply as his tongue reaches its destination and glides over her. Knows she's biting her lip to stop the whimper that's stuck in the back of her throat. He digs his hand into her backside, entices the desired noise from her.

She'd always been vocal about how good he was at this. How she didn't understand how he seemingly knew her body better than she did. He was pretty sure she'd blocked out the beginning of their sexual relationship. Knew he hadn't known what he was doing to begin with. Knew it was something he'd perfected with time and practice. He'd enjoyed perfecting the art. Enjoyed learning how to summon all sorts of different noises from her.

He drowns in those noises. Has long been deaf to what he deems to be the best sound ever.

He finds her right hand and blindly directs it to his head. Her fingers are quick to claw into his hair.

Her mind feels like it's gone to mush. She'd come in here to do something. She can't remember what. It wasn't this though. This hadn't been on the agenda and that alone is thrilling. She doesn't want this to be something that's scheduled. She never wanted that. Isn't sure how it became that.

'Fuck' She gasps out, head rocking back against the wall.

Her thigh is suddenly pressing against his ear and he knows she's close. Knows because she's struggling to hold herself up and seems to be sliding down the wall. His hands slip around her to help keep her upright as she loses herself to the feelings he's summoning. The only thing he'd never been a fan of when it came to this was how he couldn't see her face as she fell apart. He'd begged her on multiple occasions to let him film her so he could look back at it. She'd not been as enthusiastic about how wonderful a plan it was. Not to say she'd not let him do so a couple of times under the condition it was deleted after because she couldn't have that falling into anyone else's hands. He wishes he still had said videos. Her face was somehow different to when he made her fall apart in other ways. He couldn't pin point what it was.

Her fingers suddenly knot tight in his hair as she finds what she's chasing. An irrepressible yelp sounds in the back of her throat. She shudders almost violently. Gasps.

His thumb draws a circle at the top of her leg as he eases back and kisses the apex of her thigh. Soothes the redness that's forming there. Hopes his unshaven face doesn't irritate her skin too badly as it has in the past.

She's shaky. He gently shifts her leg off of his shoulder before guiding her down into his lap. Her legs scissor around him as she collapses on him. Her head settles in the crook of his neck as she works on steadying her breathing. He basks in having her curled around him. In their intimate position. In the way her body is resting completely against him.

'Ok?' He kisses the top of her head.

'...yeah' her voice is hoarse. 'No. I don't know' He rubs her back. Smiles at her nonsensical mutterings.

'I think you'll survive. I've missed doing that' He husks. She's missed him doing it. Hadn't known how much. She doesn't say so though. 'So much. Did you know that?'

She exhales. '...I came in here to get something' Mumbles instead. He smirks, tilts her head up from hiding and draws her mouth to his. Kisses her languidly. Delights in the way she kisses him back. Delights in the little whimper that sounds in the back of her throat as he presses her against his straining jeans.

'I think you found it baby' His voice is a deep husk. She blinks. It takes her a moment to realise his words are in answer to the last thing she'd said. Hits him lightly. He laughs. '...I've not though' She bites her lip. 'God I love it when you do that'

'Do what?' She whispers, large green eyes looking into his face.

'Bite your lip'

'I don't know I'm doing it'

'I know you don't. You only do it for me' She purposefully bites her lip then. He smiles. 'So fucking sexy'

She averts her eyes because the look he's giving her has her wanting to kiss him but she's not going to be the one to initiate that. Can't bring herself to be the one to do it. Her stare trails down to where his thumb is circling the bruising skin on her thigh.

'You did that on purpose'

'Uhuh' He agrees and joins her in regarding the mark. 'I miss my legs'

'Your legs?' She repeats, narrowed eyes looking back into his face.

'Uhuh' He rubs her thighs a little harder. 'My legs. Look at how perfect they are'

'...why'd you just do that?'

He shrugs. 'Are you mad?' He's speaking of the bruising mark. Knows he's got in trouble on countless occasions for leaving love bites in places that can be seen. He'd assumed the location of this one wouldn't incite her irritation.

'Not that...' She dismisses. 'Why'd you...?'

'I told you. Cause I wanted to. Cause I saw these' He's found the rings hanging around her neck again.

She swallows. '...you lost your shit that day' She recalls how he'd gone wild when he'd seen her wedding finger bare. Recalls how she'd all but thrown them off during a hysterical episode alone in the bathroom one day.

'Of course I did' He knows what day she's referring to.

'I didn't think you were going to let me leave your Mum's office'

'I didn't want to. I still lose my shit every time I look at your hand. I just don't barricade you in offices and scream at you about it. Progress huh?' His hand drifts up to her torso and rests on her chest.

'Kinda barricaded me in a room just now'

He smirks. 'Didn't scream at you though did I? You wearing it here makes me feel a lot better...will you keep them there at least?' She hesitates. 'Forget that. Don't answer. No pressure' He smiles. It falters as he lets his hand trail over her collarbone. It's more pronounced than usual.

He doesn't need to say what he's thinking. She knows. He knows she knows. Because she stiffens. 'I should-'

'No' His hands clamp down on her because she's about to flee. He shakes his head. Takes her hand and guides it to his crotch. Eyes stay locked with hers. 'Not yet' He nuzzles his nose against hers. His fingers press against hers as he coaxes her touch, guides her until she takes the hint. He lets out a noise when her fingers move against him in a way that they haven't in forever. 'Fuck' His hand falls away from hers. His twitching digits in a quandary over where to go; undress her or her ass. Her question cuts off his silent dilemma.

'What do you want?' She knows what he wants but her question is a distraction for herself because she needs him to talk. Hopes him talking will erase the vision that's just invaded her mind. The vision of a mousy haired girl straddling him in much the same way she is now. Of him looking at his once editor like he's looking at her right now.

He smiles because her question is a sign that she's willing and god does he want her in every possible way right now. Wants her hand to unbuckle his belt, to ease into his jeans. Wants to see her make that face she always does when her fingers wrap around him. 'Kiss me' He wants her mouth to seek out his without him initiating it despite knowing his words are doing just that. She hesitates. He can't remember the last time she kissed him without him taking it from her.

'Mum! We're back!' They both startle at Sawyer's muffled holler. It's a rude interruption and he wants to yell out that they need to leave the house right now. They're not welcome here. Not right now. Not when his wife is about to touch him in ways that she hasn't for far too long.

'Fuck'

'Mummy! Daddy! Where are you?' Their youngest daughter's voice is louder.

Her hand is gone in all of a heartbeat

'No' Lucas whimpers, snatches back at her wrist. 'Don't go'

'I told you they'd be back' She yanks her arm away from him and nearly falls as she all but scrambles to her feet. He can't help but laugh despite his frustration. 'Don't laugh' She hisses. 'They'll hear you'

'They know I'm here sweetheart. I came over to help remember?'

'Right' she frowns as she tries to compose herself. Waves her hand in front of her face in an effort to cool her flushed cheeks.

'I should stay here for a minute' He gestures to his jeans. Laughs because she looks almost shy and it's entertaining because she's not been shy of him when it comes to sex, not for a long time.

'Right'

'Sweetheart?'

'Mm?'

'You might want these?' He tosses her her underwear.

'Mummy?!'

'Coming baby!' She trips into the black underwear.

He laughs. 'Stop laughing at me'

'I can't help it you look so fucking adorable right now. You want your laundry basket?' He points up to the counter top. 'What?' Laughs again at her unamused expression.

'You can fold the rest of the clothes'

'I'd love nothing more'

•••

'Oh hi' Peyton smiles.

'Hey'

'You coming to lay with me curly whirly girl?'

'Uhuh' Peyton pings one of Sawyer's locks and watches it spring back. 'Mum' The eleven year old whines.

'Does that thing have to come too?' She says of the ipad tucked under her daughter's arm.

'Mum' Sawyer glares.

'You're on that too much. Your eyes are going to go square'

'That's such a Mum thing to say'

'I am your Mum' Peyton hums as the child lays down beside her. 'You must've nearly finished Lost by now'

'Few more episodes to go' She abandons the ipad as Peyton's arms go around her to spoon her. 'Dad says he's gonna stay and cook us dinner. Is that true?'

'Uhuh. We thought it might be nice for us all to have a meal together at this house before we leave. That ok?'

'...I guess...Are you feeling ok?'

'Uhuh. I'm just worn out. Packing is tiring'

Sawyer purses her lips. 'Daddy said you fainted the night we stayed at Nana's'

'Oh' Her brow furrows. She's confused as to when and why Lucas thought it could ever be a good idea to give their daughter details.

'I was cross that he stayed here so he explained' Sawyer's explanation is quick to clear up how he'd come to confiding.

'Oh...you were cross?'

'I just, I thought...I dunno...' The eleven year old sighs as she struggles to articulate why she's been feeling so confused. Doesn't know why she's so confused. 'I don't know. I thought when you told me Aunt Brooke and Dad dated that she was the one that he...'

'That?'

'I thought she was the other...'

'Oh no!' Peyton pushes herself up so she can look into her daughter's face. 'Baby no' Shakes her head.

'I know Aunt Brooke told me when I had a go at her. Dad told me too'

'Honey! Why didn't you just ask me at the time?'

'I didn't want to upset you'

'I'm sorry, I should've explained better. I didn't realise you were thinking that. I should've realised. You had a go at Aunt Brooke?'

'I was kinda mean'

'Yeah?'

'I was horrid'

'Your Aunt Brooke can handle you. We can send her flowers or something if it'll make you feel better?'

'Yes'

'Ok' She runs her hand over the child's head. '...What did you say to B?'

'I told her to stay away from Daddy' She sheepishly answers.

Peyton's brow raises in surprise. 'Honey I know I've been angry at Daddy but I know he'd never, never do that. And I know that Aunt Brooke would never, never do that to me. They don't like each other like that-'

'They did at some point'

'Well sort of. It's easy to think you like someone sometimes when really you're just friends'

'Did you think you were just friends with Dad to begin with?'

Peyton sighs. '...no I don't think so'

'Daddy says you were scared of how you felt'

'...mm, I think that's pretty accurate. He made me feel so many things that I'd never felt before and I, I found that scary'

'What things?'

'I think I was scared of how much I wanted to be around him. I can't really explain it. You know how magnets don't have a choice but to be stuck together?'

'Uhuh'

'Well that's kinda what it felt like. I'd be trying my hardest to avoid him but somehow my feet always wound up a meter away from him and that scared me'

'Why did it scare you?'

'Because I kind of felt out of control. I'd lost my Mum and Grandad Larry was working away a lot. I'd got use to doing things my own way and your Daddy suddenly threw that all up in the air because he was somehow making me feel all kinds of things without saying a single thing. He was the first person I'd think of when I woke up. The last when I went to sleep. I wanted to make him smile, laugh, happy. I had to know he was safe. I'd get butterflies in my stomach whenever he was near and when he touched me it...' She trails off.

'What Mum?'

'Well I think it's different for everyone. But for me, when Daddy touched me I felt like I was alive for the first time but I, I think that's hard to understand until you feel it'

'Are you talking about sex?'

Peyton smiles. 'No and yes' Sawyer glares. 'What?'

'You're confusing sometimes'

'Love and sex is confusing'

'...what does it feel like?'

'Love?'

'I know what love feels like Mum'

'Yes and no. You know what love is like in the way you love me and Daddy and Roe and your family and friends. Even those loves are different kinds. How you love Roe isn't how you love me'

'I know she gets on my nerves but I do love her-'

'I wasn't saying you don't honey. I just meant love comes in all different shapes. I've not experienced the kind of love you and your sister share but god I love watching it' Peyton smiles. 'Being in love with someone is different and I know you've not experienced that yet'

'I might have'

'I'm your Mum. I'd like to think I'd know' Peyton squints at her. 'Has someone caught your eye Sawyer Scott?'

'No! God Mum'

'I'm teasing. Sorry'

'I wasn't asking what love feels like. What's sex feel like?' Peyton purses her lips together. 'What?'

'I dunno I just, as your Mum I get a bit torn knowing what you're ready to hear and what you're not'

'I learnt about sex ages ago remember?'

'Not that long ago' Peyton twiddles a lock around her finger. 'I know you know what sex is jitterbug. You're asking me about something big though'

'You've talked to me about it before'

'Yes, cause I always want to answer your questions and I always want be able to talk to you about anything, especially this. I'm just, you're my baby girl. You're so little'

'I'm not a baby'

'I know. But you'll always be my baby however old you are. I want to protect you. I know that protecting you isn't keeping you in the dark about things though. Especially when you have questions'

'So?' Sawyer widens her eyes impatiently.

'Ok, ok. Well it's...' She ponders for a moment. 'It's sort of hard to explain other than it, it feels really, sort of magical but it, it can also not be that. You never have to do anything you don't want to do' She emphasises. She scrapes her hand through her hair.

'I know Mum'

'You know' Peyton repeats her words.

'They talk about consent a lot at school'

'Right. So even if you're with someone you love and trust you still get to say no if you want to'

'I know. Mum I don't need a lesson on what's ok and not ok. I get that. I was just asking what it feels like when you do it and all you said is magical' She complains.

Peyton sighs. 'It's really hard to describe what it feels like. It, it's sort of like you can't get close enough to that person and when they're touching you it makes you feel really good'

'Is Dad the only person you've had sex with?'

'...no'

'No?'

'No there were a couple other people'

'Like Uncle Nate and Jake?'

Peyton's eyes narrow. 'How do you know about Jake?'

'Daddy said I could read Ravens'

'He did, did he?'

'Uhuh. Cause I have questions'

'I suppose you're old enough' She's pretty sure she could recite it by now. Knows there's nothing explicit in the book that she wouldn't want their child to see.

'I just got to a bit about some guy called Jake and he's your boyfriend'

'Yes, Jake was a boyfriend I had at school'

'Did you love him?'

'Yes'

'Like Dad?'

'No not like with Dad'

'But you still had sex with him?'

'Let's not talk about the who'

'Why?'

'I just think I'd rather keep some details to myself baby. What're we gonna talk about when you're a bit older and wanna talk about this again if I tell you everything right now?'

'...I guess...you're not really telling me anything though Mum'

'Sorry-'

'Did you like it the first time you did it?'

'Not really the first time. That's why I really hope you wait until you think it really feels right. I was just doing it because everyone around me was'

'I'm not doing it until I'm way older Mum'

'Way, way older'

'How old were you the first time you did it?'

Peyton screws her nose up. 'Far too young'

'How old is too young?'

'I'm not telling you'

'Why?'

'I will but not yet. I just don't want it to inform what you do and don't do baby. You need to make your own choices'

'Did it hurt?'

'A bit the first time...I just made myself do it more than I wanted to which was so, so silly. I really wish I'd waited until I was with Daddy'

'Why?'

'Just because everything was different with Daddy. Everything felt like it should. I was a bit nervous but a good kind of nervous and everything else was just natural'

'It didn't hurt with Dad?'

'No' Peyton shakes her head. Twiddles a lock of Sawyer's hair around her finger. 'Have you had another lesson at school about sex recently that I didn't get the memo about?'

'No. I just was wondering about things'

'There you two are' Lucas interrupts. He's a little rosy cheeked and Peyton knows without asking that he's been catapulting their youngest daughter high into the sky from the trampoline. 'What you talking about?'

'Sex' Sawyer shrugs.

Peyton smiles at her nonchalance paired with Lucas's startled expression.

'Sawyer had a few questions'

'...right' He nods. Keeps nodding.

'Is he ok?' Sawyer looks back up at her mother in bemusement.

Peyton opens her mouth but he answers for her. 'I'm fine. I'm chill' Her brow shoots up at his last word. 'What kinda questions?'

'Mum's got it covered, it's ok Dad' She's on her feet and pats his arm as she passes. 'I'm gonna go on the trampoline for a bit'

He opens and closes his mouth like a guppy fish. Peyton laughs as they're left alone.

'Wow. Super chill aren't you?'

His head spins back to her. 'Sex? What kinda questions?'

'Like, what is it like? Does it hurt? Have I only ever had sex with you?'

'And we're answering those questions?' He rubs the back of his neck. He's near the window now, surveys his daughter running out into the garden to the trampoline as promised.

'I'm meant to just not answer?'

He sighs. 'I don't bloody know. She's just a baby though'

'She's had the sex talk'

'I know, I know'

'I had questions when I was her age Luke. Only I didn't ask Dad and well, I was having sex at barely fifteen just because the group of friends around me were. Maybe if Mum had been here I wouldn't have done that. Maybe I'd have been stronger and more confident that it'd just have happened when I was ready instead of forcing it you know?'

He's facing her now. 'You've never talked about it like that before'

'Like what?'

'Like you felt pressure to have sex'

'Nathan never pressured me' She's quick to shake her head because she not for a second meant that.

'No I know you didn't mean that' He grimaces because he tries his best not to think about the fact that his wife and brother have slept together. Despite being way in the past it still makes him feel a bit queasy. 'Pressure in general'

'Oh. Well yeah. Kinda'

'If you could go back you would've waited?'

'Yes'

'For me?'

She rolls her eyes. 'Yes you'

He smirks. And then frowns. 'Is she asking questions because of me. Because of Lindsey?'

'I dunno if that's what sparked it' She shrugs.

'I kinda hoped her understanding around that was quite naive'

'I think it probably is. We were mostly talking about what it's like'

He grimaces. 'That creeps me out'

'It wasn't my most favourite conversation'

'No? You seem chill'

'Who are you hanging around with that says chills?' She teases.

'I dunno. Apparently uncomfortable me says that'

'Apparently so. I don't want to lie to her. I want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything. I want to know when she does that the first time Luke. I want her to feel like she can come to me about it. Don't you want that?'

'Yes'

'I thought it better to be honest'

'But what, like tell her what about you and me?' He cringes.

'I wasn't giving her explicit details honey' She laughs.

He smiles because she's laughing at him and he doesn't mind that. 'What details then?'

'Like how good it feels but only if it's consensual'

He sits on the bed. 'It feels good huh?' His hand is on her thigh.

'You're gonna try and fool around with me right now?'

'I gotta distract myself from thinking about our eleven year old ever having sex'

'She's not having sex anytime soon Luke'

'You were freaking out the other week about her doing everything far too soon and going off the rails'

'I was having a moment'

'Uhuh. And who stopped you having a moment?'

'Oh so I owe you one is that it?'

'Most definitely'

'Well let's talk about it. She's most likely gonna have sex at some point. We know that'

'Right. This isn't what I had in mind'

'I know...' She trails off because his face is suddenly so very close. Nose brushes hers. She inhales. 'Where's Roe?'

'She went in her room. Not this room' She twists away as he tries to connect their mouthes. 'Really?'

'What?' She widens her eyes at him.

'You're killing me'

'You'll survive'

'Barely'

'Luke we, we can't...what we did earlier was really stupid'

He squints at her. 'Don't start acting like you weren't having a good time-'

'Not what I meant' She sighs 'I just mean what if they'd walked in?!'

'We've managed to talk our way out of a lot worse'

'Sawyer was 2 when she walked in on that and I'm sure we still managed to scar her for life'

'She can't remember that'

'...I'm worried' She whispers. 'About a billion different things. I, us, us doing that isn't, isn't helpful to us-'

'Peyton. Us doing that is always fucking helpful' He disputes.

'The last thing I need is them seeing us and...'

'And hoping Mummy and Daddy are sorting their shit out?'

She sighs. 'I thought you agreed'

'I do, I do' He hums. 'And then at the same time I, I don't want them to accept this or think that we're better apart and I kinda think that's what Sawyer is thinking, that we're better apart'

She chews on the inside of her cheek for a moment. '...Why didn't you tell me that she'd thought that B was...her?'

'She just spoke to you about it then?'

'Yes. Why didn't you?'

'I just knew she was going to talk to you so I didn't say anything'

'How did you know?'

'I know her. She's like you. She dwells on the things a little bit but eventually she opens her heart up' He mumurs.

'You didn't know' She looks at him through narrowed eyes.

'I would've told you this week if she hadn't' He declares.

'Mhmm'

'I would. So she told you she didn't want me back with you too?'

'She didn't say that'

'Pretty much did to me'

'She's confused'

'Yes. Like her Mum'

She swallows. '...are you annoyed at me?' She wonders.

'What?'

'I...earlier I was and you didn't...and now I'm being...'

He smiles. 'You getting flustered talking about sex with me is perhaps one of my favourite things' She pouts. 'Especially when you were just happily talking about it with our kid'

'Not the same at all'

'No. I know. How could I ever be annoyed at you?'

'There's been many reasons'

'Ok. Well I'm not. I was concerned you might be annoyed with me'

'Why?'

'Well, I did kinda hold you hostage'

'I thought you called it doing what you want' She kinks her brow.

He smiles. 'Oh yeah...ow' The appearance of a certain black cat joining them startles him. 'Gees those are sharp claws Batman'

'You're in his spot'

Lucas laughs then and lifts the cat up. 'Not your spot buddy' Batman swipes at his captor's face then. 'Woah' Lucas sets him down on Peyton then.

She laughs. 'Ohh was he mean to you Bat Cat?'

'He's the mean one! I think he's forgetting who gave him this home' The cat has quickly settled on Peyton's chest now and purrs as she scratches behind his ears. 'That's definitely my spot'

'You're jealous of the cat?'

'Damn right'

'You want me to scratch behind your ears too?' She taunts.

'Why's he so mean? He hissed at me earlier too!'

'Me and him are tight is all. You're in his territory'

'Again. Not his territory'

Her smile wanes a little. 'You think he's gonna be ok with the move?'

'He'll be fine'

'I hope so. It might be a bit scary for him'

'A cat Peyton'

Her gaze shifts back to him then. 'Wow you really are jealous of a cat. Maybe Roe is right'

'Right about what?'

'That you're more of a dog person'

'Of course I am. Dogs just love you. Look at him sat on you judging me'

'Judging you' Peyton spurts.

'He is!'

'Well you can't be mad at him. You chose him'

'Mmm bribery that's completely backfired'

'I dunno. We all love him'

'Mm. She's not yours' He wags his finger at the cat. 'Mine buddy. Mine' She looks at him with bemusement.

'You're getting mad at a cute ball of fur'

'I don't like the look he's giving me!'

She heavy handedly ruffles his hair then. 'There, there kitty' He pouts and pinches her side. She shrieks and Batman is quick to shun them. 'You scared him away!'

Lucas grins. 'Look you're covered in hair now' He picks at the black hair covering her dress.

'Do you think he's like Salem?'

'Salem?'

'Uhuh. Sabrina the teenage witch'

'You think there's a person's soul inside him?' He looks back at the cat that's now preying on Roewyn's stuffed leopard that's been abandoned near the chest of draws. 'And you think I'm the superstitious one. I can't believe in some higher power but you can believe in witches, ghosts and ghouls'

'I never said you can't believe in some higher power' She argues. 'I believe there's...something. I just pointed out that no higher power gave you me is all'

He smiles because her words imply that she's still very much his. '...I disagree'

'I know you do' She murmurs with a small smile.

'I'm also more scared of that cat now than I was five minutes ago'

'I think his name might have been Frank in a past life' He shakes his head. 'And I think he was a pilot'

'And I'm the one that gave Roewyn her imagination?' He laughs.

She scowls but her eyes are smiling. 'I'm serious'

'I know you are and I love you despite thinking you might actually be a witch yourself' He squints at her.

'I'd love it if I were a witch' She practices a cackle. He cuts it off because he can't not kiss her. Not when he's not seen this part of her personality in a long time. He pounces. It takes her off guard. She usually knows when he's about to try and connect their mouthes. She yelps in protest because they just had a conversation about the kids that he's seemingly been deaf to. He pins the hand that's pushing against his shoulder back to the bed and then his tongue is moving against hers and she's suddenly submissive and welcoming his assault. He wants to roll on top of her. Wants to have her limbs wrap around him like earlier but she's wrong. He'd not been completely deaf to their chat. Isn't about to risk one of their daughters walking in on them in that position.

'I love you witch or not' He finally husks when breathing becomes an issue and his self restraint is beginning to dwindle.

She keeps her eyes closed. 'You wouldn't burn me at the stake?'

'Never'

'Why thanks' Her lashes flutter open then. 'We just discussed how we're not meant to be doing that'

'You didn't put up much of a fight'

'It's not my fault you have some kind of voodoo power of me'

'Voodoo' He smiles.

'Voodoo'

'How can't I kiss you when you do your sexy witch cackle?'

'Not sexy'

'No' He agrees. 'But you being a goofball is'

She averts her stare to her fingers that are twiddling a button on his shirt. '...Thank you' She repeats more sincerely.

He laughs. 'You're thanking me for calling you a goofball?'

'No. Not that...this week I...I know our sessions have been...a lot...that I've been...just you, you've been...understanding of, of some things that I know you don't understand'

'I love you. Of course I am sweetheart' He draws her hand to his mouth. 'How are you feeling?'

'I do wish you'd stop asking me that though'

'Sorry. I just' He shrugs. 'I want you to talk to me'

'I'm talking to you right now aren't I?'

'Mm...' He knows she knows that's not what he meant. '...I'm gonna go get started on dinner'

He sets her hand back on her chest. '...you don't need to cook-' She begins.

'The deal was one family meal remember?'

'...I remember'

'Ok then' He nods with finality. 'I'll go start it then shall I?'

'...Ok'

'Ok'

A/N Merry Christmas everyone! Sorry it's been a bit more of a wait than usual. Thank you for reading along if you've been here from the beginning and welcome if you've just joined! Thanks for all the words and feedback shared on the last chapter :) Until next time!