21. Kind One's Soul
"A time keeper," it was a hushed whisper that reached her ears first.
Blinking, Miranda stopped in her tracks before she turned the slightest to the side. It was cold, and snow seemed to be soon falling. Her tired body was wrapped comfortably within a thick jacket, and at that thought, her mind sulkily wandered back to the image of her dear friend and savior, a young man who was somewhere out there, unsafe, and without a roof over his head.
Bat wings flapped as her golem hovered at the left of her head. She blinked again, taking notice of a silhouette among the crowds of gentlemen, ladies, and children alike.
"Miranda?" Marie placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, blind eyes closed and concerned. Miranda quickly shook her head.
"Oh, no. It's nothing," she quickly smiled, pushing back stray strands of hair away. Resuming their journey, this odd sensation continued to ebb at the edge of her mind.
Faraway, among the crowd of the town's folks, there stood a young child.
"A time keeper," he whispered again, this time quieter, surer. Firmer.
The red marks over his forehead and face told a story of the olden ages, and with such care, he took a small step forward.
It reminded him of his journey away from home, dead in the night, and even farther from the temple he was supposed to go.
It made him think of his family that left too early, along with the little one's hand he was never able to hold in his own. He thought of his twin, his older brother who was so kind to him. He thought about his strong and gentle mother, of Sumiyoshi and his wife and daughter.
Hug, Sumire chirped. The skies were blue above them.
The little feelings kept him going.
He followed.
Timcanpy was growling again.
Throwing the dice, silver watched carefully as the edge hit the wood of the table with a sharp thud. With a smug grin, he glanced up to his opponent as the entire bar broke in thundering exasperation.
Ah, such a wonderful sound. Swindling the money out of these big guys never felt better than ever before.
"You cheated," the big nosed drunk gritted out, face flushed and apple red. Allen raised an eyebrow.
"You cheated," he said again.
The young adult smiled politely, fingers woven together and left hand carefully covered. "Sir, I'm sure you are mistaken… Cheating in a friendly game of dice takes out the fun of it! Come on, let's have another round!"
The drunk answered with a table flipped over Allen's head.
He took that as his cue to get the hell out of there.
Snatching up his briefcase, he quickly jumped over another table and skidded out of the tavern. There were hints of snow as specks of white camouflage in his hair. Timcanpy took flight.
Odd sense of glee overcame him. Running as the soles of his boots hit stone ground, wind sliced at the surface of his nose and cheeks. His eyes were getting dry. Cold and exciting, it was the motion of action.
Adrenaline, he was drunk with it.
Pushing pass crowds, the pursuers eventually gave up and Allen allowed himself to smile at their receding backs. Turning away, he took another step forward, and-
Walking into an empty alleyway, his knees hit the ground and he leaned his head against the wall. He shivered.
It was cold.
Coughing, he rubbed his hands together. His lips were chapped. "Damn… In the end, I'm still not used to this."
A month. A month has passed since he left Baba's, Mana's old clown supplies carried in his possession. A month has passed since then.
He was no longer an exorcist in name.
(But hell he would never be one in heart. Allen refused to give up.)
(He was an exorcist, no matter who or what would say.)
Glancing warily at his left arm, the cold numb and unnoticeable, he mentally relaxed at its featherless sight. Gripping his hands into fists, he pushed himself off the ground. His heart was beating very fast.
Funny. Years ago, there was the same pressure in his chest combined with the frostiness of the air. Specks of white was falling like right now- and it was then Mana taught him about the breathing. How to breathe properly. The Full Concentration Breathe, it was later labeled, the day when the headquarters was attacked.
It was amazing how the way you breathed changed everything, from an extra step forward to the one last dive to swing your sword and fight.
His stomach ached. Frowning, he blinked furiously, his eyes tired as the white of the snow were too bright to his liking. He was hungry- hell, he was always hungry. Biting the insides of his cheeks, Allen exhaled, the side of his head still pressed against the wall. Cold was seeping into his bones.
Damn.
Just distantly, he could almost smell it. Jeryy's cooking. The warmth of the Black Order's cafeteria. The light was tricking his eyes, he was seeing things.
Don't think about it, he told himself. Don't think about it.
Just keep walking. Don't stop. Don't get caught.
...
Don't ever get caught.
(The Apocryphos is still at your tail, Allen.)
Timcanpy growled. The corners of his lips twitching into a smile, Allen turned around to his companion, the golem hovering beside him.
"Yeah, I know. We should get going-"
Timcanpy growled again, this time louder, almost panicked. Bumping his small body against the white haired teen's nose, Allen sputtered with a start.
"Timcanpy? Hey, what are you-"
The golem nudging and pushing his face to turn his head, Allen stared at the ground deeper into the alleyway. It was when he fell silent Timcanpy stopped and hovered back, a small noise still humming in the golem.
Allen stared.
Beyond boxes and bags of trash, deeper and deeper into the path, there was white, and…
Blue.
A pressure ghosted on the center of his forehead. It was the remnants of the past. Allen remembered how the swordsman stood and smiled at him, card-like earrings swaying at the motion.
… Blue spider lilies. They were small, almost unnoticeable unless you look for it carefully.
It made a trail, and following it, silver eyes widening at the cold air biting into skin with each dragging step forward, his heart hammered in his chest. Quicker, quicker, and quicker.
Blue spider lilies.
Blue spider lilies.
He nearly forgot about him. He died so long ago, after all.
A smaller Alma was smiling brightly, introducing Kanda to the reanimated demon slayer. Allen remembered seeing how they interacted, how Tanjirou taught them the Water Breathing, and how Tanjirou forgot about them every instance he turned his head.
The cursed history, all shown to him on a silver platter. The Earl's ploy to make Allen voluntarily leave the Black Order.
He pushed back a choked cry, and at the end of the trail, there was Tanjirou.
Tanjirou is a very kind person, Lenalee had said. The rattling of the train soothed the heart. They were on their way to the rewinding town of Germany.
I think you'll get along with him very well!
...
Buried within boxes and trash and snow, wide, wary eyes were staring right back at him. There was Tanjirou, his hair so disheveled and skin too pale. His arms were wrapped around a familiar blackened sword, and Allen stood before him, his legs aching and chest hurting. There were so many blue spider lilies growing around him. Just briefly, it was as if they were glowing, as well.
But… But Tanjirou.
Tanjirou, who was very much dead the last time he saw him, the general who took on millions of AKUMA with a single blade. The one who believed in him, the one who supported everyone. The touch of sunshine, many had described him. The sun who died.
Lenalee's precious family.
Tanjirou.
Allen stared, and there were no recognition in the older's eyes.
And suddenly, Allen wanted to break down and cry.
"Who… You…?"
A trembling voice. It was so quiet and timid. Timcanpy bumped himself against Tanjirou's leg. The swordsman was hiding under the shadow on the brick walls, hidden behind crates and boxes and trash.
… He should've known.
Allen should've known, the moment Central came in and took his body away. He should've known, the moment he saw the look on Lavi's face when he heard the news, the hesitance in Komui's eyes and Reever.
Reever had never looked so sad, that day, at the American Branch. It was surreal, the Noahs toying with everyone and everything going wrong. Allen got stabbed. Alma self destructed. Kanda...
Those of the Black Order present that day nearly died at the cost of bloodshed and terrible flashbacks. Alma had reached out with a sad smile and he was actually that woman and Kanda didn't know, didn't realize. Maybe he knew now, Allen was not sure.
But the thing was- he would let himself be imprisoned over and over again for the sake of their feelings. He would let himself be exiled or trialed or whatever if it ensured the safety of those two once more.
And it was the same for him. It was a slow realization.
You've been through a lot.
Not must've, not probably. The day they first met made a huge impression on him, and Allen, too, couldn't help but think they had met before. This sense of familiarity, it was strong.
Aching.
Bending down, one knee touching the cold ground, Allen looked straight into the other's eyes.
Gather yourself. Keep yourself together.
Looking closely, Tanjirou looked worse than himself. He was too pale and his cheeks were sunken in. Bangs that we're usually pushed back were now all over the place- but most importantly, his eyes.
They were so sad. So confused- scared.
A lost child, and Allen saw himself.
… For their sake, and maybe his own as well. Allen took in a deep breath and opened his mouth.
Because Tanjirou being here meant he managed to get away. Because Tanjirou out here without an exorcist uniform meant that he managed to get away.
Even though he couldn't remember well, Tanjirou got himself out of that place.
"My name is Allen," he said. "What is yours?"
When Allen first found out about the truth, it was like a brick hitting the bottom on his stomach. He remembered clearly, that was, how he died.
And it occurred to him that he died many times. That wasn't the first time.
Him standing alone with his shadow stretched far, his body barely held together and sword limp in his hand. He destroyed all of the AKUMAs presented that day.
The Black Order tried to bring back the dead. They were successful, and they tried to make artificial apostles using the brains of the dead exorcists, because not anyone could possess Innocence. They had to be chosen, and Allen remembered the look on Lenalee's face as they watched what was left of Suman as he fell from the red skies above.
Apparently, Tanjirou was a very famous swordsman years ago, and he belonged to this organization that fought… Something. The sword he was using was Innocence, and the Black Order somehow found his body and reanimated it.
Allen couldn't understand when he watched the events in the sixth lab unfold. Seeing Tanjirou again- especially after so long- was a surprise. A dreadful one, seeing how Kanda came to life.
Alma was jumping. He had this big smile on his face, ecstasy and excitement unable to be contained. Allen watched after him as the boy tugged a smaller Kanda along, the kid scrunching up his face with annoyance.
"Come on, Yu! There's someone you gotta meet."
Road was standing beside him, her arms hooked around his right, and she, as well, was gazing intently at the scene playing before them. He assumed that the Noah already knew the details about this- all of this- but the moment Alma swung open the door, she fell silent as well.
"Tryde's family," she murmured, and Allen tried his best not to glance at her. He kept himself facing forward.
They watched as Tanjirou forgot and forgot again.
"... Say, how old are you?" Allen had asked. He got the older some second handed clothes- they were in a much better condition than the attire he had earlier.
Tanjirou, who's forehead was covered with messy bangs and hair all over the place, seemed to count in his head. "Eight…" He tasted the word in his mouth. "Eight!"
Allen tried to hide a wince. "... I see! So Tanjirou is eight."
Tanjirou smiled back. "How…" Mumbling a little bit in Japanese, he continued. "Erm… Old… Ah! Nii-san, how many years?"
"Sixteen, I think." The train ran passed them as they walked along the tracks. Wind gently pushed them forward.
"Sixteen?!" Tanjirou exclaimed, eyes wide and full of wonder. "Sixteen… Sixteen?"
Allen laughed lightly. "Uh, juu… Juuroku. Yeah. Juuroku-sai."
"Ah!"
They walked some more.
"How old… Timcanpy?"
"Eh, I'm not sure~ Timcanpy, how old are you?" A growl. They laughed. Tanjirou giggled brightly.
The next day, Tanjirou was five. A few days after that, he was ten.
He asked for his father and mother, and Allen was not sure what to say.
Soon enough, Allen found a pattern. Tanjirou was never older than a decade.
As much as Allen didn't want to admit, he was having dreams.
It was terrifying by how peaceful they were. He tried to wake up as quickly as possible.
"I got… Little sister! Her name is… Nezuko!"
Allen smiled brightly. "I see!"
They helped push a wagon off of muddy tracks. In return, they were offered a ride with the friendly performers. As the wheels turned and scenery shifted, Tanjirou happily talked about his newest family member. He described how her eyes were so pink and how small her hands were, and as the eldest child, he talked about how he would be a good big brother for her, the girl named Nezuko.
Allen never doubted him for a second.
"Siblings… Must be nice, huh," he stated simply, turning his head away to watch the drifting snow.
"Mmhm!" Legs swung as Tanjirou rocked back and forth on his seat. "I miss Nezuko. I want to buy a new kimono for her."
"Ah."
"Shigeru and Hanako both wanted to get her one, too. Because Nezuko gave her spare ones to them as jackets. They're such good children, all of them."
Allen's knuckles went white. He chuckled softly. "I see."
I see became a catchphrase. Allen was not sure what to say in response, sometimes.
But then… Then again, he was Allen.
Blue spider lilies were trailing behind them. Wherever Tanjirou was, blue spider lilies would bloom at his feet.
Cursed flowers. Allen remained by Tanjirou's side.
He took care of Mana, after all.
Because after the incident at the circus, Mana couldn't quite remember well, as well. Since then, he constantly mixed up Allen with red arm.
Why are you so tall, Allen?
What happened to your tail, Allen?
And soon after, he began laughing like a child, and "Allen" took it to himself to always be by Mana's side. It was all to make sure that he would be alright.
So the familiarity of the situation was insanely strong. It hurt thinking about it, every time he turned and saw the look in Tanjirou's eyes. (Because it was the same. The same look in his foster father's kind ember, and it was killing him.)
Tanjirou does not remember Lenalee or Komui or anyone. This was Tanjirou of the past, and no one Tanjirou knew existed anymore. They were people from ages away, filed away in documents and paper, and-
It hurt.
Really.
Allen winced in pain as his arm feathered with streaks of white and emerald. Panic shot through his veins as he willed himself to not scream- Tanjirou was still asleep.
Tears gathered. The Apocryphos was close. They had to get away, and Tanjirou was a child. He was not the general whose back was like a pillar. He was a child.
Allen already knew of the implications of bringing Tanjirou along. He knew about it and accepted it, because like himself, there was nowhere Tanjirou could possibly go. If Tanjirou returned to the Black Order, the cycle would continue. If he left Tanjirou where he was, then pursuers might find him or he would just… Die.
He didn't believe in fate, but it suddenly came to him that if he never ran away from the Black Order that night, if he never chose to become a "traitor" for the sake of Kanda and Alma...
What would be of Tanjirou, then?
Crown Clown, please stop.
He tried to carry Tanjirou on his back. Teeth clenched as his feet dragged behind him.
His insides panged with familiar pain.
Noahification was on its way.
Please, just one more minute. One more second.
One more step, I beg of you.
Please.
Please.
Please!
"... Mister?" Tanjirou was sleeping. He was sleep talking.
Tanjirou was awake, actually. He looked very worried, a child's innocence in the depths of his eyes. His hands were clutching the cloth on Allen's back.
Getting off, Tanjirou stood beside Allen as the younger writhed in pain, clutching his left arm with his right. There was a sense of panic and dread, and for a moment, Allen really wanted it all to end.
But he couldn't. He couldn't possibly do so.
There was still so much he had to do, after all.
"Mister?" Tanjirou said again, a hesitant hand near Allen's shoulder. Such a kind child, really. Tanjirou was too kind. Timcanpy entered his vision with panic. Allen gazed at his yellow, winged companion.
Timcanpy… And if it weren't for Timcanpy, then Allen would have never found Tanjirou, his friend and savior who was left without a roof over his head.
If it weren't for Timcanpy, then…
...
One breath and then the next.
Calm your nerves.
He thought about the happy days.
It's going to be alright.
Allen Walker mustered up a smile. Beaming up at Tanjirou, reassurance seeped into his wavering demeanor. He feigned courage.
"Hey, I'm fine! Don't worry," stepping forward with his luggage swung over his shoulder, his left arm stopped acting up. "Let's go, Tanjirou."
It became a long journey through days of winter, starting with a timid hand being taken by another.
(And one day, he hoped the dreams would stop coming. Dreams of a stretched out field of wheat and the feeling of peace. There was also the smell of a certain tea. Lemon, it must had been.)
(Yellow was caught in his vision and strange eyes were staring at him.)
(He was sitting on the porch of a strange house. He was sitting beside someone who was faded out.)
(He said a strange name, and he turned to look at the figureless friend.)
("Kibutsuji Muzan was because of me.")
And for the first time, he had a nightmare.
There was blood on his hands and a familiar sword stabbed through a black haired man. The yellow triangle-patterned haori he was wearing was bright under dreary skies.
The black haired man was whispering something quietly. The sword in his hands felt heavy.
"I know what the Blue Spider Lily really is, now. I know that you knew as well."
Head raised, piercing, angry gold met his.
"Hey. Don't you dare abandon him," red was dripping down from his chin. "Don't you ever abandon him, you damned bastard."
He looked near in tears, and Allen… Allen wondered.
Who was this man? What was he talking about?
Rain began to fall. The world swirling in front of him, he was alone again.
Don't you dare abandon him.
He found himself somewhere familiar yet faraway again, and at last, the young adult wondered when he would wake up from this strange, haunting dream.
Perhaps it was snowing. He felt so small under these distant skies.
Allen closed his eyes.
...
He wanted to cry.
Meanwhile, here I am, dreading for the next chapter of Kimetsu. Sorry for the long wait! My editor was not very helpful helping my endeavor to release this chapter. The next will be called "There is Something You Must Cut." Please look forward to it! (But boy this chapter was so hard to write www. Once again, sorry for the long wait!)
Thank you for reading!
ko.