I had opened up to Cyborg about why I was going to be late and he promised to cover for me. I had to promise him I would let him take me to his old high school final football game. He wanted to support his old friends at their last game ever, but I knew it would be harder thing to sit in the bleachers and watch by himself. He knew that I could not help but be there for Jay. I appreciated having him on my side while I was not ready to lose Jay, nor get scorned by the other Titans.
It felt nice knowing I had his whole name; a lot had opened up between us. I had not explicitly told the team that story and there was more to tell within it. It felt nice being able to say it and pass their life on to another person. I hadn't shared them with the Titans since it was not a pleasant story, but it felt easier to say the hard things with Jay. We both still had some secrets between us, but we knew enough that I felt confident for what I was feeling for him.
I was home by ten which was when the mall closed. That had been Cyborg's cover since I had told him where I was going before I left. I was doing my best to keep him in on the details that made him feel better. He was taking on a bigger brother role, after Blackfire I think he saw that void within me. Raven was suspicious, she had given me some looks, but she was not one to pry or interrogate me. She knew if I needed her help I would come to her. Beast Boy had been actually very distracted with his own friend making pursuits. He had tried to get into skateboarding and had been filming videos to post on his social media. I had posted a clip of me and Robin's sparring session that had attracted some attention. It was unfortunately when I had tripped him, and he fell very dramatically. He had rolled after, but I had gotten him above the knee which was a hard spot to recover from. I was just happy that I had been able to avoid damaging him in a serious way. My reflexes had not taken over and it was a good spar. We would likely do more since I had not slipped into my reflex driven warrior state of mind with him. I would still avoid weapons in actual battle, but it had been fun to stretch my skills in a way I had not done on earth. Robin had not spoken of what he said when drunk, and I had not brought it up. His words could change not where my heart lay with Jay. I would sill call him Jay, because that is what I had known him as. His family seemed nice given the circumstances, very friendly which I appreciated.
I had expected a little more of an interrogation, but no one seemed to be in doubt I had gone to the mall. I had the intention to go in the morning, and no one volunteered to go with me, so they were likely not feeling the worry. No one was in the living room, so I went back to my bedroom door without an interrogation.
The very brightly dressed boy sitting in my bed was a sign that I would not fully escape. I was in uniform and I had no true signs of evidence I had been out with Jay besides the ring tucked snugly in my boot. He wouldn't immediately suspect that either, I had some others that I stashed this one with, hiding in plain sight was the expression I believe.
"Star, I think we need to have a talk." He said and I quickly looked to my closet where I had stashed Jay's hoodie that I had stolen. It was in a box labeled extra uniforms, so it was not a thing easily found. My doors were shut so I quickly knew it was better if I let him decide the topic.
"Hello Robin, can I ask what you would like to talk about?" I closed the door and set my backpack by the door. I decided that this was my own space, so I joined him on my bed. I made extra care to not touch him as I started to take off my boots, keeping the ring inside the sole.
"What do you remember of Friday night? I don't like having holes, but I wasn't acting like myself."
I almost sighed in relief; I had such a tense day with fear for Jay's mother that his drunk ramblings were such an easy topic to discuss. I couldn't help a laugh escape me from some part of the ease the universe offered me and the memory of him struggling to enter in his passcode until he punched it just right with his nose.
"You were acting quite different, but I think we all needed some sort of fun. You did not throw up in multiple bowls like Speedy at least. Beast Boy also made a fool of himself by playing the Just Dance game." I said deflecting on what others had done one he had gone to bed.
Cyborg had stayed steady but flirted a lot with Bee once he hit a certain level. She had tolerated it to a point before stinging him. Raven and Aqualad had been pleasant and helped moderate the chaos. Mas y Menos had curled up with me in the couch. When they had both lamented about how hard it was to be in the apartment. They missed the cooking of their family. They wanted to have a chance to communicate better and asked how I had learned Spanish so quickly. It was apparently good even if I did not absorb all the nuances. They seemed just so happy to have a person to talk to, they had me make a list of requests for the tower. Some were silly like cherry pop tarts and others were a rooftop pool. They fell asleep on me and I had a hard time moving them when they reminded me so much of Ryand'r. They were really young and had time that should still be enjoying childhood. I felt very protective over them in the course of a night.
"I am sure it was not a pretty sight in the morning. Thank you for making coffee and not making it any worse. What I really want to know Star is if I said something to you that was really weird. I had a crazy dream after and it's a little hard dividing the two." I knew immediately what he wanted me to confirm. He had expressed extreme emotion that he claimed he was unable of feeling. I would have loved to have my feelings returned by him months ago, but now they gave me no pleasure to have to hear them out of the wrong mouth.
"Oh Robin, like I said it is the okay. I did not see your eyes when you took off the mask. I looked away." When I had gotten him on top his bed he had whipped off his mask and I had closed my eyes to respect his privacy. I was still evading him in a hope that he would let it go.
"Oh, thank you, I just feel like I said something, and I didn't want it to be taken the wrong way." He was feeling very uncomfortable from his foot tap.
"We can consider it forgotten if that makes you feel better, I know you were drunk and that you can say things you do not feel. Friend Speedy said the same thing when I finished the bottle and he did not mean it as well. I thank you for caring for my feelings, but I have put up better expectations since I was sick." I said in a way that I knew was surprising to him.
I rarely spoke harshly to him or blamed him, but I had guarded my heart against him with my interactions with Jay. I had also gained more knowledge of human men's fear of emotions. I could express them truly and easily, but men chose to hide them deep down until they entered altered state of consciousness. Raven had her reasons with her powers as well, but I knew she wouldn't harm me by holding back. Robin had and he had multiple instances.
"Wow Star, I just wasn't expecting that response. I do have feelings for you, but you know I would never mean to hurt you." He said and a part of me snapped.
"I know, but that has never stopped you from doing so." I said and started to put my boots back on. I didn't have to stay here.
"That's not fair, Star. I can't put you at risk."
"Robin, we have gone through this discussion multiple times. You say you love me, and you do not truly is a new low, but I have lost my previous capacity to be hurt by it." I said with a flourish as I started to get up and grabbed my backpack to fill with clothes and uniforms.
"What do you mean Star? You are not sounding like yourself." He said and put his hand on my arm.
"You will wish to remove your hand, Friend Robin." I said and knew my temper was heating my body up to a point it would start to hurt his human skin. I was angry, but I did not wish to burn his hand.
"Not unless you stop." I paused in stuffing the dresses I wanted to take and looked at him in the face. I let my height show as I let myself loom over him. He had to look up at me and I wasn't going to be generous of his ego.
"Remove your hand." I repeated since he had yet to do so. I was tired in the worry I had felt today, in this cycle Robin does with my emotion, and in lying to my friends. He did when I knew it hurt. "Thank you."
"We still need to talk, Starfire." He repeated and I felt like there was nothing good I would say to him.
"Robin, you have already hurt me so many times on this topic. It should not surprise you after my last illness that I have developed scar tissue around my heart."
"You aren't making sense. What does you being sick have to do with me?"
"Tamaranians get heart sick in a true sense. I got sick after I shifted my feelings away from you." I said and I felt him flinch. It was the truth.
"What are you saying?"
"I am saying that loving you only hurt me, so I shifted my affections elsewhere. Is that not what normal humans do when they have unreturned feelings?" Fuck I should not have revealed so much.
"Who?" He said and that is when I decided that I was done.
"Who says it was for another person? I can stop wanting my heart to hurt. I can start to love myself in a positive way. I can want to be strong on my own, you fake it well enough." I decided to just grab blindly and the sweatshirt with a pile of uniforms. I felt fury now and my hands and hair would light if I did not calm myself. I needed to get out.
"That's not fair." He said and blocked the door.
"Robin, I do not wish to harm you. You will get very hurt if you touch me, you will get hurt if you continue to play with my emotions." Tears exploded from my eyes.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't realize Star."
"I know, but that does not make it okay right now. I need space and I need you to give it to me."
"Star, I don't think you're in the right head space to be alone. Let's just go up to the room and talk about this more."
"I will give you that chance, but Robin I need you to think about what I tell you." I said deciding that it was a better alternative than exploding at him. Tears still fell from my eyes
"Okay, Thank you. I have some things other than this I need to tell you." He said and let me get through the door, I kept my packed bag.
" I would feel more comfortable if we had another Titan with us."
"They all went out to a movie." He said and realized he had messed up in a way to at least look ashamed. "I didn't mean to make you this uncomfortable, I didn't mean for any of this, I just know you deserve to here this. I might be late, but Star I want you to know."
"You should rinse your hand, so your hand does not do the blistering." I said as we moved towards the roof entrance. I was angry and upset, but he needed the use of his hand. We took a detour to the kitchen.
"Yeah probably. I didn't mean to touch you when you didn't want it, that is not what I meant to do."
"You did it. I think at this point our intentions are overshadowed by our reality." I said as I turned on the sink for him. I had learned that trick from Raven when she bumped into her tea kettle.
"When did you get this aggressive?" he asked as he ran his hand under the cool water. It was red, but it showed no signs of developing a blister.
"I am just being honest, we should have done this earlier, to save each other. "I said and got him an ice pack and a towel for us to continue up to the roof.
"All my lies have been for good." He said this with such conviction that I knew he believed that. Maybe he was right, but he wasn't taking the high road against me.
"You are not the only one trying to protect people and themselves. Though your lies led me onwards to false hopes. It would have been merciful to be clear from the start that friendship was all you can provide. Your words and actions did not mean the same thing and it confused me."
"I was confused myself, but I know that I don't want to be without you in my life. Is it awful I only recently came to this conclusion, yes. Is it more awful that the first time I told someone I loved them and meant it I was drunk, yes."
"You don't mean it. You can't I have gone against your orders and hurt you and hidden from you. You can't love me now if you didn't before."
"I did it just took the thought of losing you to Speedy to make it apparent."
"Jealousy is not the same as love." I said and it must have hurt him since he slammed the door behind us.
"I knew before, but it pushed me over the edge to know I could lose you. That it could be easy for you to blend in another tower and leave me."
"Right now, you are making it easier. Robin I have affection for you as a friend, a leader, and as someone who has once held my heart. You just do not have that claim any longer. If you had given me a chance in the numerous times I put my heart out there for you, we would not be having this talk. Ask Cyborg to show you the scar tissue around my heart. It is visible what loving you unreturned has done to me."
"How was I supposed to know Star? Why did you hold on if it hurt?"
"I held on because I wanted so hard to love you as we were supposed to, I used to believe that we could be happy with being heroes and partners. You were so kind to me and are so handsome it was impossible for me to not come to care for you. I just care for you as you always asked from me, as a friend. I don't get to have the butterflies when you smile, I don't get to fall into your arms in a fight, I don't get to dream what lies behind the mask. None of that matters anymore." I said and my heart started to ache badly. I put my hand to my chest and tried to soothe the pain. I wasn't going to let this trigger another illness.
"Woah you don't look alright."
"I'll be fine." I said and I forced the pain to abate.
"I can give you more of what you want Star. I can give you more honesty and more time. We can spar, we can go on dates, and we can be closer as partners. I can show you so much more. I can do so much more."
"I can't do this again… was there something else you needed to tell me? I hurt."
"Yeah, I did… it just wont make this easier though. Batman asked for your file and I fear he is looking for a way to eliminate you if you ever became a threat." I was not expecting that information. I thought for a few moments before saying anything. I sat down and he copied my action.
"Is it because of me defeating Kour Vol?" I asked as I processed I may be hunted on the one planet that had offered me safety from slavery and political marriage.
"Yes, you aren't effected by Kryptonite and have the ability to incapacitate one. It scares him."
"Does it scare you?"
"No, but that is because I know you, Starfire you are such a sweet and caring person. You are a hero at heart." I felt like I could crush that image he constructed in his head with a few words of my past. I felt betrayed in a new way.
"Yet you provided him information that would be used to devise a way to kill me."
"Yes.." he didn't say anything for a while as he realized what he had done.
"So, if I am killed by the Batman, will you feel responsible for my death?"
"Yes, but he wouldn't make an attack unless you were a clear threat." My brain went to me having a very nonappealing status to Batman being an alien and a powered individual.
"I feel like I might be sick." I said and felt a rush of stomach acid flood my mouth. I rushed to the side of the tower incase it escaped. I choked it back down, but I still felt distressed. Robin came and pulled my hair away from my face and rubbed circles on my back through my uniform. I collapsed on the ground at the end of my heaving.
"I never wanted to hurt you, but I guess I have fucked up."
"Yeah we both have, but it will be okay." I said mostly to assure myself. I clutched my knees to my chest and decided I just wanted to hug Jay until I felt better. I let Robin hug me and promise to keep me safe before we went back inside. I could not put my own stress on Jay, but I did not find comfort in Robin. I ended up back in my room and after a promise I did not hate him and we could get through this, Robin left. I slept in Jay's sweatshirt taking that small comfort before the nightmares came.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The next morning I still felt unsettled by Robin's declarations with the Batman seeing me as a threat being a bigger concern than him admitting something he should have months earlier. I went out to take my sunrise selfie before deciding I needed to talk to someone. When I had entered the kitchen Cyborg, Raven, and Beast Boy were there.
"Good morning, Star." Cyborg said and I still felt off balanced so I gave him a wave. This got his immediate concern and he got up. He ended up taking me to the elevator going down to his shop level. "I thought she was going to be okay?"
"She is, but I had an unfortunate conversation with Robin when I got home. A bit of a warning would have been greatly appreciated."
"I was hoping he would back off." He said and twirled his hand like it ached.
"He did not, but he had a real concern. The Batman has requested my information to determine a way I can be eliminated."
"Fuck, that's not good.. at all."
" Agreed, friend Cyborg, I need your help, can you get me a printed out version of the Terran Card treaty. I need to know what offenses he could potentially use."
"Sure thing, I don't think he would directly attack you, but good to be making sure he doesn't have the ground. What is Robin doing?"
"He is the one who provided the information. He just told me to ease his guilt." My hair erupted at my anger reawakening.
"Okay girl chill for a sec. I'll get you all the information I can, but try and not worry."
"It is hard with all that is going on and I wish nothing more than to be with Jay."
"Awe girl, that's his name? Why don't you go comfort him until you feel more like yourself, because right now you'll light up any paper I give you."
"I apologize… I just am filled with more anger and frustration towards a friend which is throwing my kilter off."
"Feel better Star, I am on your side." He said and shifted the elevator up. Robin was on the other side of the door when it opened up. He seemed startled by my flaming hair. I think his little burn had taught him a little bit.
"Starfire.. I'm sorry." He said which was likely the smartest thing for him to say.
"I know." I said and yet my righteous fury was going to be an issue if it did not have time to burn out. He continued, but I decided I wasn't in the mood to hear it. I started going for the window and he told me to stop. Without any conscious communication between my brain and hand my middle finger shot up and I took off for Jason's apartment. He likely needed a few things. I needed a few things.