Disclaimer: Harry Potter and his world belong to J. K. Rowling. In this story, Harry Potter is very old, and is known as 'The Great Wizard.' His name is Bellamy.
Chapter 18:
The following day was Friday. It was Emma. Valencio never could refuse Emma anything. She wanted him to ride the Pamela Track with her.
"There's a special memorial for Laura, who was like the other half of me. I feel better since I spoke about it, but I want you to ride with me. Also Connie and Mary, because they can explain. There are stories you might not know."
Valencio admitted, "I haven't seen it yet. Don't ride well enough."
Emma said scathingly, "You walk to the top of the mountain when you choose. You don't need a horse."
"This afternoon?"
"Now. Connie and Mary are already saddling their ponies."
Valencio sighed. "I guess I'll ride Honey." He didn't ride Honey, as Tasha was on her, practising for show classes. Instead, he consulted Gloria's list of available horses and scratched his head. It seemed that every single one of the bigger ones were out, and most of the ponies, as well. He finally said to Emma, "Daddy Longlegs?"
Emma shook her head, and said, "It'll have to be a pony. He's too tall."
"Emanuelle, then."
Emanuelle was a black mare of the stolid, native pony type, except that Emanuelle had a nasty streak, and was not popular. She laid back her ears as she was approached, but Valencio told her not to be so silly. "It's Emma's orders, and you know we always have to do what she says."
Emma giggled. She was competently saddling another pony, and Connie and Mary were saddling their own pets.
Connie led, just walking her mare to the ill defined start of the memorial track. They were already riding the track when they passed the small sign that said, 'The Pamela Track.' Just a little further on was the first of the memorials, a small, open box, with a pitched roof. "For Pamela," Connie said. "There's a small story for her, what we know, the same as for others."
Valencio nodded, he knew the story of Pamela.
"Clarence did nearly all the plaques, except for those for Enclosure 3. Jimmy did those."
It was quiet as they rode, single file, hoofbeats muffled on the soft ground. The next stop wasn't even a clearing, just a plaque next to the track. A lot of names here, listed one by one, many only Christian names. Connie said, "These are the ones that the older ones could remember, who died in a cull about thirty years ago. They just took them away, and they didn't come back."
Valencio slipped off his mare, and studied the names. He commented, "Susiya, Azihari, they were Kaede's friends, the ones who were going to be nuns."
Mary smiled at him. She was sure he'd never listened in those evening sessions, always looking away, or at the floor, as if he would have preferred to be anywhere else. But maybe he had listened after all.
Only a few hundred yards further, there was another, more elaborate memorial.
"The remaining prisoners made themselves objectionable after the disappearances, and this memorial is for three women who died under the Spell of Pain, as punishment. Heidi, Van-Mae, Wendel. They were selected at random, and while Van-Mae and Wendel cried as they waited, Heidi spat in Quang's face, so she was first. It probably made it even harder for the other two, waiting."
Connie said quietly, "Looking back, I find it hard to comprehend the cruelty, yet I accepted it then, accepted we just had no rights, and they did what they liked with us. I saw so many punished with it over the years."
Emma said, "I hardly saw it. Hilde always whisked me away when it was going to happen, and then Abensur seldom used it."
Valencio didn't remember ever seeing it used as a punishment, except on himself.
They went on, all of them dismounted, leading their horses. Connie said, "This is what happened the day after. The few left rushed the guards. There was a young man called Giuliano, who managed to kill one, cracking his head against the cement of a path. The punishment left two more dead, plus Giuliano, who had his limbs all taken off, as a variation. Clarence said it didn't seem to hurt him, and he was very brave. When he was left with no arms and no legs, Quang just waved his wand again, killed him, and vanished the body."
Mary said, "Clarence said that Giuliano was a close friend."
Valencio commented, "I don't remember him ever speaking of him, except to say that he only served a couple of years."
"Surprising they bothered with boys when they were hardly ever wanted for long."
"I could never understand it." All those lovely women, and they'd preferred a boy. He would never understand it.
Connie remounted, and the others followed suit. Down a gully, splashing across a burn, onto the side of the mountain, but only following it around, not climbing. There was a large memorial. "The fever cull."
Valencio nodded. It had only been a couple of years before he'd been taken.
Mary said, "They were trying to pretend it was a random illness, so there were younger ones as well as old ones. Otherwise nearly all the older ones would have gone, including Connie and I, no doubt. Possibly not Kaede. I suspect they valued her work with the children, and that was why she survived the first cull."
"Damir was one of the first to go. Maybe they thought he was unpleasant to look at. Our leader of the time was called Tenia. She died after we realised what was happening, and we started making a fuss. Maybe they thought if she died, we'd stop."
Mary quietly read over the names, almost chanting them in her pretty Irish accent. It was like a memorial in itself.
Emma said, "They continued to make a fuss, every single one of them, and the ones in Enclosure 1, as well, children and all. Kaede told me. They all wore wrist and ankle cuffs for several weeks, until Carol called a stop to it. It was because some of those in Enclosure 2 were dying of the routine punishment every morning."
Mary said, very quietly, "Clarence nearly died, and one called Sonata. She was taken away and put down. She wouldn't eat, just gave up."
Valencio met Emma's eyes, and dropped his own. It was what he'd done, as well. Given up.
Another memorial. "This was a list of names that Clarence found under a table when they moved into the empty Enclosure 2. It must have been empty since Ahjmed's tantrum when he was hurt and humiliated, and took revenge by killing all the prisoners. Twelve names, and a half a name, as if the one doing it was interrupted."
Valencio read them, one by one, in a quiet voice. There was a Lionel. What had happened to him had happened to other boys before him. He was not unique. 'For all the others, unknown and forgotten, inmates of Enclosures 1 and 2, who died, victims of the Khatabis.' Just one of the names had a surname - the first, Adriana Putin, probably the one who had hidden here, and started to write, when screams of terror echoed.
Several small areas, a completed plaque in each. They told some of the stories.
Connie said, "This is for Zwaiter. She was pitch black, very tall, from the Sudan. A face like a sculpture. She used to tell me about her little village. The Khatabis would inspect every year, but they also gave them money, and made sure there was a teacher of English. Starvation or war never affected them, but each year, the young girls were inspected, and now and then one was taken away. There was Toruni from the same village, and Zwaiter said her sister was also taken, but for Japan. She told me that it was difficult for them to find husbands if left at home, as they were not circumcised. But the Khatabis knew every one, and if any were ever found to be circumcised, married or not, they'd kill her father, maybe a few of her uncles, husband if applicable."
"Like an open enclosure, breeding beautiful girls for them."
Connie nodded. "Like that, but it sounds like they benefited as well. I don't know if the village is still there, but we've had none since Zweiter."
Valencio was reading the inscription, and looked at Connie, puzzled. Connie explained, "It was hard to know how to put it. She was terrified of the Spell of Pain until she became unmanageable. Not like Bernice, just running away when it was to be done, but all the time, and she was a very fast runner. One day, after it was practised, the other nine in our group were taken back to the enclosure, but Zwaiter was left there, semi-paralysed, as they'd begun to do whenever she was used. We never saw her again."
Valencio said sadly, "It's so hard to begin with."
Sheri had kept waking, screaming in nightmares, until Carol sent him to her. She'd slept better in his arms, though she was not one of the ones he'd ever had sex with.
Another memorial. "Her name was Morgnestain. Russian. She served two years in Enclosure 1, then simply refused to keep herself clean. For a week, the guards washed her before use, then they tried punishment. When it didn't work, they assembled all of us in the enclosure, little girls and all. Quang said that No. 22 was not worth keeping because she was too dirty, pointed his wand and she fell down dead."
Mary said, "There were three very young ones at the time. They scrubbed themselves red raw, after that, several times a day."
Valencio said, "They must have been more cruel then. I don't remember them ever punishing me for not showering when I was supposed to."
"Quang was worse than Nusa'pei, and Abensur seemed to manage with scarcely any punishment at all."
Emma commented, "We still knew our place, even so."
They mounted, and moved on, until Emma went to stand in front of the next memorial. "This is the one for Laura. It's been a long time, but we were so close. I remember our name now. We were Laura and Emma Lestrange. I wrote to my parents, and sent it yesterday. Told them that Laura was dead, that I was alive, and had been a prisoner. I didn't tell them how we were used, yet. I don't know how. How can I tell them that Laura died of rape?"
Valencio said softly, "You're alive. They might be sad about Laura, but you're alive."
Emma touched the plaque, sadly. "It's been so long, and it's only now I've been able to take in that I'll never be part of two, again."
She looked at Valencio, and said, "We're right, you know. It helps when you talk about it."
Valencio met her eyes, and looked away. Was she right? Emma mounted her pony, and the others followed suit. There were several more memorials, and Mary spoke the names of each one, as they passed, and told more of the stories.
"We cross back to the other side now," said Emma. Back down the valley, and into an area of very thick forest, the trees growing dense, the canopy heavy. After a time, there was a small sign, the Arabic word for Enclosure 3. The ponies' hoofbeats were muffled, walking in single file through what was almost a tunnel in the greenery. Quite often, they had to duck under low branches. It went a long way, now and then with small areas where a touch of sunshine might fall, but each time entering the deep shadow again.
"It goes like this nearly a mile. This part of the track is for those who never left Enclosure 3." They went in silence.
Abruptly, they emerged onto a sunny slope, and stopped the ponies, looking at the aspect in front of them. Valencio glanced back, and said, "It's like when we walked out of the App. Box, into freedom."
"They never bothered with records, but Dot contacted Abensur, though indirectly I think, and he provided lists of names that he could remember from previous intakes into Enclosure 3. We put the names in the dark shadow, where nobody might even know they're there, except us. But they'll be there."
They crossed the open area, their backs warmed with sunshine. More trees, and they started to climb. Discreetly, within the trees, some almost hidden. Small areas, completed plaques.
Mary said softly, almost chanting. "Oswald Perkins, A victim of the Khatabis. Alistair McManaman, called Blue. A victim of the Khatabis." Then "Christopher Belmont. A victim of the Khatabis," and last, "Peter Jones, who faced death with great courage. A victim of the Khatabis."
A larger memorial contained seven names. Connie said, "These were the other seven who died from Jimmy's group. They were all given posthumous bravery awards. The cover story made them heroes. But probably most had no opportunity to be brave, except maybe like Jimmy told us, Peter Jones, who stood erect, and faced death with courage."
The track started climbing, and the ponies were straining. Valencio walked, leading his pony. He thought he was too heavy for the mare, though she was solid, and looked strong.
"The Pamela Track finishes at the top, and that's where all the names are of those who were in the 'cleared' enclosures, in New York, and in Japan," and Connie read them over.
Valencio said quietly, "Can I add one? His name was Jeremy, and all I know is that he was in Japan for a few years."
"I'll work out a place."
"I'll make the plaque myself."
"Did someone tell you about him?"
"Just a comment I overheard once. Nazher, I think."
Emma said, "Nazher's been dead a long time."
There was a grassy slope that led back to the castle. It invited galloping. The ponies pricked their ears, even Emanuelle. Valencio stroked her, and then went to her stirrups, running them up the leathers so they wouldn't bang against her sides. "I might walk back, I think."
Emma said, "Thank you for coming with me."
Valencio looked at her, half smiling. She'd done it because she thought he was avoiding facing what had happened, not because she needed his moral support, or anything.
Connie said uncertainly, "You don't mind if we leave you behind?"
Valencio said, "Not in the slightest."
"Alright, then..." and the three gave their ponies their heads, in a fast canter that would take them very quickly back to the castle.
Valencio watched. They were not as timid any more. He'd always thought the women stronger than he was. He supposed they were right. Each of them had faced the hurdle, though he suspected there were several who'd done as he had - avoided mention of what really hurt. He should talk? He shook his head. Maybe he could talk about part of it, but never could he admit to one of his friends, Clarence, Jimmy, or the women, that he'd learned to enjoy it, looked for it, even invited it.
Only when the women were out of sight, did he tell Emanuelle to stop eating, and start following, as he headed in a different direction, walking home slowly along the perimeter track. Jeremy, who'd lived in Japan for a few years. He'd always thought the unknown boy had committed suicide, but it may have been a punishment, or it may have been damage from rough usage. Would he have ended it, the night he heard the reference to Jeremy? It was when he'd begun to trust a little, and then Narzu-Han had brought in five others to use him. He'd fully expected to be badly damaged, thought that it was going to be Adil all over again. He had a feeling that just because Narzu-Han had mostly treated him well, didn't mean that it could not have gone the other way. That night. He hadn't been damaged - hurt a little, but not at all seriously. Yet he'd felt so tired. Maybe it would have been like that other time, much later, when he'd done it without even realising his own intention.
His eyes were wet as he walked. Sorry for Jeremy. Sorry for the boy he'd been, hurt too much. He'd never dwelled much on the punishments he'd undergone. Once over, he'd tried to forget. But how many times had he been subject to the Spell of Pain enough that he'd been near death? The first time merely because he kept running from the nightly rape. Then after Faheem, he'd been very severely punished. After Adil, sentenced to death by torture. Even Narzu-Han, and he'd taken three days to wake. Botan. He was forgetting Botan. Rotan as well. He supposed Rotan could scarcely be blamed. He had tried to kill him.
He heaved a great sigh. He'd hated it so much, and for so long. Emanuelle nudged him, and he turned to her, petted, then led her to a place where deep grass grew. He took off her bridle, and sat down on the soft grass. Emanuelle started to graze.
He lay down, and stared at the sky. Could he free himself from the past? He could free himself from the memory of rape, memory of torture. But there was a terrible weakness left in him, that filled him with fear. If Narzu-Han suddenly appeared, what would he do?
He turned his head, his vivid imagination showing him the man who'd been his owner. He knew exactly what he would do and feel. He'd go straight to him, wanting his owner, wanting the sex. Wanting the Brieke-tei. He was a fool. He was damaged, crippled. He couldn't leave here, where he was safe, not from others so much, but from himself. The terror of being tempted by the thing that he couldn't tolerate. If not for Yiko's pendreiya, he was sure, he could not have survived those last months, when it had become so hard.
Tasha. He smiled. His wife, whom he loved so much. How often had she intervened when life had not seemed worth living? The women, who were so strong. They'd shared their strength. What he'd been talking about the other night. Gloria and Maliwan helping him shower. Naked breasts brushing against him as they soaped him under his sodden clothing. They were so beautiful. How could anyone see any temptation in a male body when women were so amazingly lovely?
Once home, he didn't join the other men, who were working. Instead, he made the plaque for Jeremy. All the information he had. 'Jeremy, who was in Japan for a few years...'
Valencio had been finally convinced that he needed to talk. To John, who was good luck, and would never tell anyone else.
xxdividerxx
Bellamy looked surprised the following day, when Valencio asked him if he'd go to Duich with him. Valencio had his usual list of errands, and he said to John, perfectly honestly, that he wanted to talk to him, without scores of women listening.
It took a while. He drove to Duich, did his errands, told John about the local mechanic, "who showed him things sometimes." He grinned at Bellamy. "Being dirty and greasy is just so far from Morocco!"
John was told that he wanted to get a Heavy Vehicle license, so he could drive a big bus, that the girls were going to go to school, that Ingrid was talking about university - "She said she always wanted to be a vet."
He drove back towards home, smoothly, competently, a narrow road that wound around a loch, and stopped "to show him a lookout," though the atmosphere was of fog and damp.
But even when they strolled around the lookout and commented on the beauty of the scenery, he found it hard to start. Instead, he commented on the weather, "Midsummer, and cold and foggy."
"I didn't consider climate when I tried to find a place. It just needed to be within apparation range, and I wanted it to be like this - wild and free."
John, who'd kept trying to escape his own imprisonment. And yet he'd never hurt anyone. He hadn't even hit guards, as far as Jimmy knew, just that one time in a formal fist fight, with boxing gloves, because Jimmy had been so furious with him for looking at a female soldier. He remembered Jimmy talking about a time when he thought he saw him with wet eyes, walking fast around the perimeter of Facility 19, as they'd called it. He said, "You know, don't you, what it is to be in a prison."
Bellamy nodded, and when Valencio started to shiver, suggested there was no hurry, but that they could talk in the car.
"You know we've been talking a bit in the evenings. Just trying to get it sorted out in our heads."
"Dot said she thought that was what you were doing."
"Jimmy started it. He told us about your last months in Facility 19, and how you kept trying to escape."
"Maybe it's because I eventually escaped that some of the women think I'm a lucky charm."
"Partly, it's that. Partly it's that you're not superhuman, and that you've suffered too." Valencio was suddenly hesitant again. Maybe he shouldn't bother the man. He even started to put his hand to the ignition key of the car.
Bellamy invited, "Talk to me if you like, Vince. I'm good at listening."
Valencio was relieved. He had to let it out now. He'd kept it hidden long enough. He started rather vaguely, "Some of us get very angry, and I think it's a good thing that we're to be left to our own devices shortly. And for some of us, it's a very deep feeling of humiliation. I can't tell the women. Not even Tasha knows."
Bellamy waited.
Valencio sighed. "They called it a Brieke-tei," and he gave a detailed description of the Brieke-tei, until he became aware of his own arousal, and stopped abruptly. He shook his head. Even now. He glanced shamefaced at John, who only calmly waited. He would have noticed, probably. He could not have remained unaware of his weakness. But it was his weakness he needed to face. And John was old. Maybe he would understand.
He started again. "To begin with, it always hurt, and I hated it. Fought it for a long time. But when Haru and Botan, and the others tired of it, Abensur started. I was thirteen, nearly fourteen. The thing was, he made me enjoy it. He always used the Brieke-tei, and always took a long time to do up the straps. First the wrist and ankle clips, quickly, so I couldn't escape. But then he'd fiddle around adjusting the others, and that was when I'd become excited. It was only when I was restrained sufficiently that I was unable to fight, that I could accept it. He set out to tame me, and he did, I guess. At any rate, one evening, I knocked him out on the floor, had a sharp blade in my hand, ready to slit his carotid artery, like I did to another one time, and I changed my mind, and let him wake up. So I guess I was tamed."
He was speaking slowly, not looking at John, but staring straight forward through the windscreen.
"I was in a bad way when he started, dying really, I guess, not wanting to live. Abensur pulled me back, and I suppose he didn't want his work wasted, because he went to Japan, and when he came back, I was marked as the Favourite of Narzu-Han, whom I'd never met. I don't think he was even keen, as it was a few weeks before I saw him, and Abensur continued with me. It was work for him, I think. Training me? Taming me? Whatever.
"Narzu-Han. That first night, he looked at me closely, as I stood in front of him, caressing, playing. I was half wanting it, and half on the verge of trying to run or fight. He said I was such a pretty boy."
He was looking into the distance, seeing the long ago scene. "But then, he stopped, and looked at me closely, and said, 'You want the Brieke-tei, don't you?' He was laughing a bit. It was always in that room they used for me, but I don't think Narzu-Han had planned on using it. But, like Abensur, he pulled out the straps that were kept in a drawer inside it, and took his time adjusting each one. By the time, it was finished, I was ready for him, and when he started, I came, too. The first time. It's what I'm so ashamed of. He knew I'd begun to enjoy it. Knew I wanted the Brieke-tei, so I could pretend I was only a victim. He was one of those with telepathy, and he knew me better than I knew myself.
"The women noticed I was distressed afterwards, but thought it was because I'd been hurt. And I had been hurt. I'd been excited before, and had found pleasure in it. But that time, it seemed so awful, and wrong. I didn't know what I meant to do, but Tasha came after me, and asked if I wanted to have sex with her. She let me every night she was available, after Narzu-Han had me. It helped. But I could never forgive myself for wanting it from Narzu-Han, and from Abensur. Others, too. Narzu-Han liked to share. It was the telepathy, I think, and he felt what I was feeling. One of them, he was a big man, with a tendency to be rough, but Narzu-Han stopped him hurting me, and for some reason, he excited me more than anyone.
"I was the Favourite of Narzu-Han, the right hand wrist cuff was coloured, striped yellow/green, to declare that. Yiko used me, too, sometimes, and by the time I was seventeen, the wrist cuff was also marked with brown, to indicate that he, too, had an interest. Yiko said I was under his protection, and mentioned once, for instance, that I would never be castrated."
Bellamy turned to him, very obviously shocked. "Castrated?"
"The boy who went before me was castrated. About fifteen years before, but he was dead by the time I was brought in. Clarence warned me only a couple of months after I arrived that I had to stop making trouble, or they'd do that. And much later, when I was very weak still, after punishment, I heard Nusa'pei trying to persuade Narzu-Han to allow him to do it, but Narzu-Han refused, and only hobbled me instead for a few months."
Bellamy left the subject of castration, and instead asked, "What were you being punished for?"
"I told Narzu-Han what I thought of him and his family. He nearly killed me, but I couldn't not do it. He was already an Elder, and maybe he would start to think. He was mostly kind to me, never hurt, but he was as selfish and ruthless as any of his family."
He was relieved that Bellamy didn't question further. There were things he needed to tell some-one, but not those early years. That was not what had left him so damaged, so terribly, terribly dirty.
"I told you Narzu-Han knew me better than I did myself. I hadn't caused any trouble for years, just knocked out a Khatabi boy of my own age once, and hit a guard a couple of times. But in general, I did what I was told, and was treated as casually as they treated the women. The only differences were that I still wore wrist and ankle cuffs, and there were always two guards outside the working bedroom, or the sitting room, where Narzu-Han sometimes talked with me. The women had no extra guards, and after all, the doors were always locked with magic.
"But quite suddenly, there was a lot more care taken whenever they did anything with me, even when they just came into the enclosure, two guards kept a special eye on me, at least one with wand drawn, the same as when I was troublesome, earlier."
"When you killed someone?"
"Killed one, wounded a few, like Adil's eye."
Bellamy said, very surprised, "You were responsible for Adil losing his eye?"
Valencio nodded, and said, dismissively, "That was in the early days, but I'd been tame for years by the time I'm talking about, and the extra precautions were taken before I even thought of attacking, or resisting. I still regarded myself as a tame slave. But one day, I found I just could not report to the dining room for use, though I was showered and ready. It was a turning point, maybe, that I just couldn't be tame any more. For a while, Hilde would get me there, and then she stopped, and the guards would, very carefully.
"But when Rafu and Thuli came for me, and maybe they were not as careful, I flew at them, instead of obeying orders. There was a fury in me, and they were there and they were bloody wizards, and I wanted to smash them to oblivion. Narzu-Han stopped them punishing me.
"They were always very careful with anything that could be used as a weapon, but I had weapons anyway."
He pulled Nusa'pei's paper-knife from his pocket, now with a leather scabbard, and showed it to Bellamy. "It was a paper knife, and took forever to get a good edge. I took it from Nusa'pei's office."
He showed Bellamy the scrolled writing, 'Nusa'pei.' "They were pretty sure I'd taken it, but they never found it, and I was not punished." He ran his finger along the side of the blade, and returned it to the scabbard.
"Anyway, it just kept getting harder, and I suddenly went quite berserk, just after Abensur released me from the Brieke-tei. I punched Abensur, knocked him out, and had Narzu-Han down, trying to strangle him, and every now and then banging his head as hard as I could against the floor. I guess Abensur revived as I woke up in my own bed, and I hadn't been harmed or punished. The next morning, Nusa'pei told me, very seriously, that I was still a whole man, not castrated, not punished with the Pain Curse, only because Narzu-Han said I couldn't help it. But if ever I attacked another wizard like that, there would be no understanding. I would die in agony.
"I wasn't going to be able to help myself. I would attack again, I knew, so I had to stop shirking and kill myself. Except I think Yiko put a pendreiya on me. I don't think I could. But then Nusa'pei told me I was to go into Enclosure 2, and I'd never be used for sex again."
He shook his head. "It was hard to take in. Nearly fainted, even. I knew they still wanted me, and if Yiko and Narzu-Han didn't, half a dozen other Khatabi did, and that's not even counting Khatabi-Richi, and even though I was full grown, just about.
"Tasha was also told she was to go into Enclosure 2, and when Nusa'pei showed me to my bedroom, it was bigger than the others, even with a double bed. Tasha was next door." He grinned wryly. "They weren't supposed to know about Tasha, but bloody Narzu-Han knew everything. Tasha's older than me, and she said she'd been expecting it, as not many people asked for her any more.
"I couldn't believe at first they were going to leave me alone. Every single bloody wizard always wanted me. I thought it must be a genetic failing that came along with the magic. Of the Khatabi-Vrie, the Elders, I think only Ahjmed didn't have me. And a good thing too. He was a sadist. Liked little girls, and sometimes they didn't survive. I could easily have died if Ahjmed had ever had his way."
Bellamy was looking straight forward through the windscreen, but his eyes were wet.
Valencio was suddenly indignant, "Even the day before we left. I was thirty! Not a boy. They wanted to fondle, to say goodbye, and Fudo said it might prevent fighting. And even then, if they could have, they would have used me again. I thought they would have forgotten, but with Yiko dead, and Narzu-Han missing, maybe I was very lucky not to be put back into use, whether or not I went berserk. All they had to do was paralyse or something, like when I was a boy."
Bellamy said, "No wonder you kept away from me, and hit Michael that time."
Valencio asked, appealing, "Is it only Khatabis, do you think?"
"It's not a genetic failing of wizards generally. Man to man sex is very rare among wizards. Among medj, it's more visible, though I suspect the percentage is probably much the same."
"Maybe just the Khatabis, and maybe because I fought, and hurt some. Maybe if I'd only accepted it from the start, they might have lost interest. The boys who went before only served a couple of years. I would still have been in use, I think, if I hadn't gone for Narzu-Han. He used to tell me he'd keep me forever, until I was an old, old man. It's what provoked that last attack. He said he'd look after me forever."
He sighed, "Sometimes, I liked Narzu-Han. He was not a friend, of course. He was my owner, and did what he chose with me. Having Tasha helped me enormously, and I love her now, as my wife. But sometimes I still yearn for the absolute excitement that I felt on the Brieke-tei. Can you understand that?" He held his breath. He was appealing for judgement, for help.
Bellamy said calmly, "Sex is a very strong instinct. There's nothing to be ashamed of in enjoying a sexual experience."
Valencio's heart fell, and he said accusingly, "You're giving me platitudes."
"What do you expect? I'm not all wise, all knowing."
"Have you ever been raped, and enjoyed it?"
"No."
Valencio stared at him, almost angry. He'd wanted more. John was supposed to help him, though he hadn't thought exactly how he should expect to be helped. Bellamy gave a wry grin. "You bloody medj know more of my secrets than anyone else ever has. If I tell you a man once had sex with me, and I enjoyed it, will that make you feel better?"
Valencio said flatly, "I don't believe it!"
"Can you keep it quiet?"
Valencio nodded slowly, and Bellamy continued. "There was a man who loved me once. He was called Mario. One day, he asked, and I wanted to please him, and I agreed. It hurt at first, but he took his time, and I found pleasure and my own excitement. I told Pat only that I'd once agreed to do it with a man. I never told her that I found enjoyment, and I've never told anyone else. Even when I was raped that time, I never, ever wanted anyone else to know. But the whole world ended up knowing, and they thought less of me for being raped."
He looked seriously at Valencio. "One need not be ashamed of a perfectly natural reaction, Vince," but he grinned, "And one need not share it with the world, most of whom are not very bright!"
Valencio sighed, and was quiet. John said he didn't need to be ashamed. And John said he'd enjoyed it once.
Valencio said slowly, "There was never any choice to begin with, either strapped down, or paralysed. But later, there were times I looked for it, wanted it. It's what's made me dirty enough that I can never be clean."
"Do you think then that man-to-man sex is inherently dirty?"
Valencio remembered that long ago scene of Geoffrey and Pedro, and said slowly, "No, not if they both want it."
"So if, to survive, you learned to want it, are you really unforgivably dirty?"
"I don't know."
It started to rain. After a while, Valencio commented, "I love the rain, gentle, continuous, so far removed from Morocco."
He continued after a moment, "Anyway, I behaved myself in Enclosure 2, didn't look sideways at them, made not the slightest trouble." He grinned wryly, "And still, Abensur didn't take off the wrist and ankle cuffs until just before my group set out for the App. Box to be freed."
"If I'd known, I would have made them take them off much earlier."
"They were right, I think. I wasn't thinking straight any more, half full of hope, but mostly not believing it, and wanting to start slaughtering every wizard in sight." He glanced at Bellamy. "I didn't trust you. You were a wizard, and wizards only hurt and rape. It's taken a long time. Tasha was holding very tight to my arm that day. She knew I was unstable. When I felt the pendreiya, I nearly started fighting."
Bellamy remembered. He'd been prepared to freeze him in place, but only briefly. Probably no-one else might even have noticed. He asked softly, "Are you alright now?"
"Some scars remain forever, I think. I will never be the man I would have been if none of it had happened. Narzu-Han said that I would always have been a target. Because of my looks. As if it was fate. But no man here has wanted to have sex with me just because I'm good-looking."
"Maybe you'd best live here then. All your life, if you like."
"I would, I think. Maybe Narzu-Han was right. Some places, some men, I'd still be a target. It's safe here." He glanced at Bellamy. "The boundary fence that was supposed to tell us it was home. I crossed it the first day, and every day for weeks - until Jimmy needed looking after in fact. But you have made us a safe home, and I do want to stay. I think Tasha won't, though." He shrugged. "It's just like some of the women. I'm frightened to leave."
Bellamy said, almost gently, "You're free now. Free to stay, free to go, free to return, all your life. You're right. The fence did have a weak crio - just meant to make sure no-one wandered off and got lost, or left too early, and wound up in trouble. I'm surprised you realised."
"Narzu-Han used to tell me about things like that, and sometimes, I can sense things a little bit more than most people."
Bellamy only nodded. Valencio started the car. Ten minutes later, he said, "Thank you for listening."
"How's the pup going?"
Valencio smiled. "She's called Shona, and I can't wait until she's old enough to follow at my heels all day. Like the girls' dogs do. Like your dogs do."
"Toilet trained?"
"Without the slightest trouble," and he entertained Bellamy for the next few miles with boasting about the amazing intelligence of Shona.
Xxdividerxx
Valencio didn't shy off from the meeting in the ballroom that evening. They were right. They'd always been right. It was necessary to face what had happened. But John was right as well. If he told other people, they would think less of him, just as he said others thought less of him after he'd been raped. And telling anyone he'd enjoyed it, would be worse. What had John said? One need not share it with the world, most of whom are not very bright!
It was Farfalla that night, and she surprised them all. "In many ways, we were not treated all that badly. The Khatabis sometimes hurt, but usually only because they were rough. There are refinements of cruelty, of torture, sometimes inflicted for sexual pleasure, that we never knew while in their hands. They were pragmatic, efficient, and seldom hurt because they liked to hurt."
There were loud objections. "What about Ahjmed? Sometimes the children he used, died of it?"
"In the orphanage where I was raised, they lost three or four every year, tortured to death for the gratification of three priests, who were supposed to be good, charitable men. The Khatabis never pretended to be good, charitable men."
"What about the culls?"
"When they had too many prisoners, they thought it only common sense to reduce the numbers. We were never hungry, never cold, and they generally used the minimum of force when we were disobedient."
She twirled a lock of hair in her hand. "I was happier in Enclosure 1 than I was in the orphanage. It was like a release when they came, inspected us all, chose three of us, and let the rest of us go. As we left, I saw Father Masella, dead on the floor, and I asked if I could have a look. Nusa'pei nodded, and I went in, and looked. Further in the room, there was Father Pisani, and he was dead, too. So I kicked them both very hard, and Lilith and Ricardo did, too. Lilith started laughing, hysterical, and Nusa'pei looked at her very closely, said something, and she was left, rejected. I was pleased not to be rejected.
"The Khatabis didn't seem surprised that we attacked the fathers, and I wonder if they'd heard something, and chose the orphanage deliberately.
"I was not a virgin, of course, and neither was Ricardo. The girls were used by the priests, and used by the older boys, and so were the boys. When they looked closely at Ricardo, he was rejected as well. They did terrible things to the boys, and he may have been scarred, or maybe the function of that part had been affected. Anyway, then there was just me, and Nusa'pei had me that night. I took it for granted that I'd be used for sex, and he was so gentle, it was a revelation. I thought I loved him then. It must have been a surprise to him, a girl of thirteen who thought he was wonderful, because he only used an ordinary penis, nothing else, and it didn't hurt a bit.
"I was Nusa'pei's favourite from the start, though he used nearly all of us, I think, now and then. Khatabis had me sometimes, especially Ahjmed, who took a fancy to me. I never wore a coloured wristband to mark me as favourite. On the other hand, as soon as Nusa'pei became overseer, he always took priority over other Khatabi-Richi. I was quite pleased that he didn't make it exclusive use, as I always liked a bit of variety. Nusa'pei let me be first for the young men usually, except when they insisted on choosing for themselves." She smiled. "I wanted to try and teach them to be good lovers, and now and then, I think I helped. I was first for Abensur, for instance."
Since they'd started talking about it, it was apparent that their stories were interlinked. Farfalla had probably given Abensur some of the skills that had resulted in Valencio's 'taming,' and later still, he'd been able to give Farfalla pleasure. And because Abensur had been a good lover, Brigitta had had an easy time, and had therefore been able to influence Abensur to keep them alive. And then Brigitta had made poor Jimmy happy, long before he was thinking clearly again. She had probably contributed to his recovery.
Farfalla was still talking. About the 'Fever Cull.' "I thought even that quite merciful. Just a bit of a fever for a few days, not at all severe, and then a quiet death, removal of the body, and a memorial service. Nusa'pei told me that it was not just us, and gave me a list of names, but most of them were women, and we never saw the women, so I didn't know that it was a lie. It was only when it was pointed out that no Favourites were getting sick, that it was nearly all the older ones in Enclosure 2, that I started to believe the others who said we were being killed.
"Anyway, I went along with the others, and refused to cooperate." She laughed. "It was like I hurt his feelings! I said he was killing my friends, and he didn't deny it, just said that sometimes it was necessary, that there were too many!"
She shook her head. "He couldn't believe it when he had to silence and paralyse me in order to have sex. I don't think he even came, just pretended to when he knew he was going soft. I had wrist and ankle cuffs fitted then, like everyone else in Enclosure 1 at that time, but he didn't come for me again. When things settled down, I was moved over to Enclosure 2, but not until they were no longer being punished. Afterwards, I'm not sure whether I was given any favouritism or not. I suspect I was less often used when the Spell of Pain was to be practised at that time, but I was sometimes used, so was never quite sure. After Abensur took over, I was treated exactly the same as anyone else, of course. He was always as fair as possible."
She smiled. "And now we're truly free, and no-one hurts us, or thinks we should be killed. The only deprivation is too little sex, but that happened from the moment I was moved to Enclosure 2. I'd have John in a moment, if he'd give the slightest indication that he might be willing."
Gloria shook her head, vehemently. "You're not allowed. No-one's allowed."
Farfalla laughed. "Keep your hair on. I won't touch him."
Kaede said, "Farfalla's right. It could have been a lot worse. You know those books about Arab customs that have been circulating, especially the customs in harems? They describe enormous cruelties. The very worst we saw, was Emma and Laura, but there was so much fighting afterwards, and the main perpetrators were dead within days. Abensur might have been lucky he had such a brutal flogging. I don't know that he was ever known as a fighter, much, and he would probably have been killed otherwise, as some of the others were, like Kuwaja, who called them to account."
Helene concluded, "None of us were systematically tortured or maimed for their amusement, and in the book I've just finished reading, that did happen in medj harems. Not fiction, fact."
Thierry said quietly, "I think I might be the only one, except for Valencio."
Valencio said, "I was never systematically tortured, just now and then, for a change."
There was not a great deal of surprise, either about Valencio or Thierry, except from a few of the younger girls, who were staring, then silent, almost fearful when Thierry related the story of Chung Quoc, hurting her terribly for his pleasure.
Hilde said, "You told me you'd been sick. That Nusa'pei said you might be infectious, and that's why you were kept isolated."
"Nusa'pei suggested that. And I didn't want to say anything different. There was no point anyway, as it would only have made everyone else frightened."
Thierry studied her wrists, and smiled. "John gives me courage, even though I doubt he's ever been hurt as systematically as I was hurt. Chung Quoc was dead even before I had to line up again, and it was Abensur who came especially to tell me. Killed in a fight with a rival family. Only an hour later, Nusa'pei told me. And then Rafu. So while I was hurt very badly, and I guess the Khatabi-Richi had to obey orders, they were not unfeeling. All the same, I was always frightened after that. I knew how terribly they could hurt, knew that obedience was not a protection. I was frightened for myself, frightened for others."
The ones who'd known her before, knew the change. For most of the timid ones, it had been a gradual development, from seeing too much cruelty, and living too many years of slavery. For Thierry, it was Chung Quoc who'd left her frightened, knowing that no matter how obedient, a slave could still be hurt, just for a whim.
Carol said, "After we got stuck into John about releasing us from the instructions, I heard Michael saying we were unpredictable. And neither Melanie nor Robin have come back. Are we unpredictable?"
There was a silence, and finally Gloria spoke. "No-one would really hurt John, and especially not Melanie or Robin."
Maliwan said softly, "We might be a little bit unpredictable, though, sometimes."
Gloria laughed, suddenly, hilariously. "We might be!" and the evening turned boisterous.
Tasha was very pleased with her Valencio that night. It was like there was a weight off his shoulders. He'd always refused to discuss anything about the times when he'd been taken for use. He'd spoken to John, she was sure. But when she asked, he said they'd spoken about Shona, what an exceptionally bright dog she was. She didn't press. Way back when he was about fourteen, she'd tried to say that many of the women said they couldn't help but enjoy it, but he'd only snarled something and gone off to exercise with his cutlass, as if physical strength could protect him.
She wondered if one day he'd be tempted again, to go off with a man. And as he slept, she stroked over his forehead, not quite contacting. He was so good-looking, and it wasn't his fault. What would she do if he did go off with a man? She knew he loved her. She kissed him, very gently. If he did, she'd turn a blind eye. And maybe he never would - not unless someone wheeled in a Brieke-tei.
Sunday, at breakfast, Tasha suddenly gave Bellamy a kiss. He looked at her in surprise. She smiled at him. "It's a lovely day, and I just felt like kissing somebody."
Valencio asked, "John, when does one cut grass to make hay."
Bellamy guessed, "Late summer?"
Valencio shoved his hair out of his eyes, and said, "We'd best start on the hayshed today, then."
Later that day, they worked together, the four men. Bellamy using casual magic to make deep holes for uprights, until Clarence nudged him, and pointed to where Cam watched, though hopefully too far away to have seen. They were more careful after that.
Thierry, Adolfina and Farfalla brought them some afternoon tea, and sat down with them for a while. The men all had their shirts off as they worked, and Farfalla's eyes were drawn to the half naked bodies. There was one thing the Khatabi-Richi spotters had been expert at, picking for beauty, even when they chose them very young. Clarence was in his fifties, but still trim, and his body had a grace. Valencio was about thirty, she thought. She tore her eyes away from Valencio. He was a married man, and while Tasha never seemed to mind, maybe she shouldn't. She'd have to make arrangements for herself soon. Gloria's Craig was beginning to be overworked.
Gloria came and sat with them, and Farfalla quickly took her eyes off John's shoulders. John had a beautiful build, as well, though marred with too many scars.
There was beginning to be a feeling of pressure. John was good luck, and it was easier when he was close, but he would not be staying around much longer.
Adolfina that evening, who'd been shocked to the core when her father sold her, in spite of an apparently wealthy home.
The men were working together again the following morning, Valencio whistling. Clarence remarked to Bellamy, "We used to cover our ears when Valencio whistled, but he's a lot better now."
Valencio grinned at him. "Call me Vince. And I've been practising ever since I took myself to London that time."
Clarence laughed, and said, "We were not here even a week, and he cleared out, and didn't come back until the following day. Tasha was worried he wouldn't come back at all, but most of us thought he would."
Valencio said, "It's why I reckon medj are so much more civilised than wizards. A man shared his bus shelter with me overnight, no-one threatened my safety, and no-one covered their ears and told me to shut up!"
Clarence suddenly stood, peering, and tapped Bellamy on the shoulder, and pointed. "Is that Gloria?"
"Gloria on Madigan! Is the woman mad?"
"Is Madigan so hard to ride?"
"Broke Luke's leg not so long ago, and we have no healer here." He sighed. "I'd best go after her, and then she'll probably break my leg. She's a bit dangerous these days." But Madigan was being perfectly well behaved, and his easy canter was already taking his rider out of sight.
Bellamy hesitated, but Maliwan called to him, and a few minutes later, he was on the bare back of a black pony, and following Maliwan. Valencio said, "Clarence, do you know what happened to Gloria?"
Clarence shook his head, and Valencio thought he should not have asked. If she didn't want it known, then it was not for idle speculation. "John might know what to say to her."
After a while, John reappeared, "Madigan was behaving himself perfectly. Maybe he likes women."
Valencio pointed at where Maliwan and Gloria emerged, "He looks so big next to Grey Lady, and Grey Lady's a reasonable size."
"He's one of the best we bred. Sold as a stallion to a stud in Australia, near the Snowy Mountains. But he escaped into the mountains, and occupied himself stealing mares from all the local stations. He was nearly shot when they finally caught him, but they just gelded him and sent him back to us. Seems to me they should have left him to improve the size and quality of the local brumbies."
"Poor fellow," remarked Valencio.
Bellamy nodded. "He was miserable when I first met him. Happy enough now, though, except that he won't stay in a paddock for riding horses, always wants to be with the mares and foals."
Clarence remarked, "I wonder how Damir would have readjusted to freedom."
Bellamy looked questioning, and Clarence clarified. "He was castrated at the age of eleven, and, of course, didn't develop normally."
"He might have preferred to simply stay here, then. Maybe even have a healer instead of a medj doctor, so he wouldn't have to try and explain."
Clarence asked tentatively, "You really don't mind if some of us prefer not to leave."
"I've said it before. It's your home. For as long as you want. Even the ones who leave might prefer to come back when they're old and need looking after. Either myself or my daughters will ensure you are always looked after, as much or as little as you want or need."
Valencio asked, "How did you find Gloria?"
"A touch irritable."
"Bit your head off, I expect."
Bellamy nodded, "Pretty much."
There was only Gloria and Maliwan to go now, and Gloria became more and more impossible to be with. Some of the younger ones were almost frightened of her.
There was one evening when she'd been sitting in the ballroom, looking crossly at anyone who spoke, quarrelling with Maliwan who was her best friend, and stalking out early. Maliwan watched after her, and then went to where Tasha and Valencio were talking. "Gloria. She's hurting. I thought that Valencio should go to her."
Valencio was hesitant. "I usually wait to be asked."
"I'm asking. She needs you to hold her, I think."
Tasha said, "Off you go. As long as she needs, even if it's all night." It was all night, and Gloria cried on his shoulder for a while, woke later with a nightmare, and cried again.
She was better the following day, and that evening, she stood, raised her voice, and asked about the horse show in July. Would they try and match horses to riders for the best chance of winning real prizes, or do as they'd done in previous shows, try and give as many as possible a go. "With Thowra and Kendrick, both on long term loan, there's quite a few good horses."
"How about both? Match the best horses to the best riders, and the rest of us share whatever's left?"
Carol said, "If enough want, we can hire extra horse boxes. We can take thirty horses if we want."
Gloria nodded, and started scribbling. This particular horse show was as significant to them as the very first one they had gone to. As Helena had suggested, it was to be their 'Graduation,' and every single one of them would go, and as many as possible should ride, even if in a single event.
xchapter endx