Chapter Eighteen

Nemo sine vitio est –'No one is without fault'

November 29th 1988

11:09am

Henry had spent the evening tossing and turning, the conversation between him and Elizabeth infected him. By the time it reached nine o'clock Henry gave up trying to sleep and jumped in the shower hoping the hot water would burn away some thoughts and feelings, but it only caused the infection to spread under the heat. Henry sighed heavily and decided to get some fresh air to clear his lungs, so he opted to walk into town.

Once he stepped outside Henry clapped his hands together, the cold air biting at his skin. A shiver ran down his spine as the wind picked up, winter was truly setting in. He wrapped his scarf around him and headed towards town. Winter is the season which helps up form our character; it brings out our best. It is the season of recovery and preparation, a time for comfort, good food and warmth. It is also the season where the touch of a familiar hand is craved the most, an intimate talk beside the fire, and it's the time for home. Henry sighed as he walked, he struggled to find the beauty in winter this time around; for him winter felt damp, cold and lonely, and nothing like the homely feeling he was engulfed with just twenty-four hours ago.

He strolled over to a bench nearby; one which overlooked the river. His mind cast back to the moment he spent at this river side with Elizabeth; it was autumn, and the change was beautiful. Now the surrounding greenery was muddy, the river thrashing around harshly, and the trees bare and broken. He watched the water flow; representing the thoughts in his head, calm and irrational waves thrashing against one another attempting to get to the same destination; that destination was Elizabeth. Could he forgive her and forget? He shoved his hands in his pockets and groaned as a headache crept in.

'Can we talk?' came the whisper from the left of him. Henry snapped his head around, his eyes fell on Elizabeth, stood at the end of the bench, wrapped in a ridiculous amount of layers still looking froze.

'Elizabeth?' he clarified. Am I dreaming he thought to himself as he looked around to make sure this was real?

'I was out for a walk and spotted you' she offered clarification sensing the confusion.

'May I?' she asked nodding to the space on the bench next to him. He nodded, unsure if this was what he really wanted right now but he couldn't deny he was happy to see her. She took a seat on the bench, a gap remaining between them; a gap that felt bigger than the universe. Elizabeth's legs leant towards Henry's direction whist she looked on over the river; thinking of the same moment Henry was thinking of moments ago.

'I've thought about this all night, and morning. I don't have an explanation as to why I lied to you, other than I just didn't want to admit the truth. I've never had to tell anyone who I cared about before, I guess I freaked out, I don't really know. But I know it was wrong, the second it left my mouth I wanted to correct myself, and I have done ever since. As time went on I just felt stupid and I knew it would create a mess between us, I guess I wanted to cling to the last moments of what we had before you realised and that was it' she admitted honestly, her expressed motionless, her tone hollow. She exhausted herself emotionally.

'I do understand that, I just thought we had something more than that, I thought you really trusted me, let me in, but now I just realise I'm like everyone else to you, the first chance you got to really let me in, let your guard down, drop the humour and really show me the side to Elizabeth no one else see's you opted to lie to me' he exhaled sadly.

'please don't think that, please don't think you're like everyone else because you're not Henry, you're really not. You're so, so much more. I am so sorry I lied, and I know why you're angry at me, I am angry at myself, I don't know why I didn't tell you, I can't sit here and say it was because I didn't trust you because I do, I whole heartedly do. The only thing I can think of is my fear of being judged' she turned on her seat to look at him, the wind ripping through her hair and blowing it across her face, she wiped the strands away and noticed Henry hadn't moved or responded, so she continued.

'I fear greatly that you'll realise I am nothing special, my own family feel I am partially responsible for my parents death, or that you'll realise I don't know how to be in a relationship or that I am petrified of becoming a mother because what if something similar happens to me and my children, I couldn't let them go through the hurt I went through, still go through' she let her guard down fully, stripping everything bare ready for the re-growth, like winter preparing for spring.

'But why couldn't you do this?' he asked turning to face her, his body language directing solely to her for the first time since she arrived.

'Why couldn't you open up about them back then, like you are now, this isn't so difficult is it?' he asked her softly, his tone and posture changing to that of a more relaxed one. She shook her head

'No, but I realise now how much I have to lose, or have already lost' she confessed and wiped a stray tear from her eye. Henrys heart broke at the sight of her. He reached out and took her hand, he entwined his fingers in hers.

'You haven't lost me' his words rode the waves of the wind calmly to her ears, as soon as she heard them the little sobs escaped her mouth. Henry scooted closer to her and wrapped and arm around her, pulling her into his chest. He rocked her softly and kissed the top of her head; like he had done months ago on their autumnal walk. She held onto the lapels of his coat and cried into him. He continued to shelter her from the harsh winter winds and bitter cold air as he soothed her.

Elizabeth pulled back and wiped her face, before wiping her tears from his coat. Henry took her hand from his coat and held it still, she looked up at him; anticipation biting at her.

'Please don't lie to me again'

'I won't, Henry I am truly sorry' her eyes watering as she looked into his with sincerity.

'I don't think your responsible by the way, before you think that I do' Elizabeth looked at him confused

'What you aunt said; that was uncalled for. I think even if you had gone out with them then you would have still met that drunken driver just a little further down the road. Either way I think you staying at home was a blessing, it meant you didn't have to carry the weight of seeing them in that way, you can remember then how they were, I think that is what they would have wanted the most' he smiled softly

'I never thought of it like that'

'I am sorry for your loss' he whispered but she brushed the comment away like always

'Don't, that is the makings of all of this, do not dismiss it, embrace it as best you can, it is a part of

you and it is ok to not be ok about it Elizabeth, its ok to express your anger and frustration, or your confusion, you memories all of it, don't hide it from me' he reasoned

'You really want to know all of that?'

'I want to know all of you, and that is a significant part of you, to fully have your heart I need to know these things' he smiled, he placed a hand on her cheek and caressed her with his thumb.

'I don't deserve this, you should be mad at me, not being nice' she sighed, she was her own worst enemy

'I don't need too, you'll beat yourself up about this more than enough, I am not going to add to that. I have your word and that is all I need. Elizabeth I trust is everything to me, if we don't have trust we cannot progress forward, so I really do mean it when I say please don't lie to me again' he sought reassurance. She edged closer so their legs were touching; she cupped his face and looked lovingly into his eyes.

'I won't, you have my word' she smiled and leant in kiss his lips softly. Henry wrapped and arm around her back and pulled her in as close as he could. The kiss deepened and their tongues danced with one another once again. The kiss was full of love and warmth on the cold winter's day. Henry pulled back and rested his forehead onto hers. He chuckled down at her

'So where was you heading?' he asked softly

'It doesn't matter now, I found everything I was looking for' she whispered, her eyes smiling as she reconnected with him. Henry stood up and held out his hand for her to take

'Come on, let's go for a walk' She slipped her hand into his, gripping it tight as she never wanted to let it go again. They walked hand in hand down the pathway overlooking the river. She rested her head on his shoulder as they talked about her parents, memories of them falling from her lips and the wind cascading them around the open air, lifting the weight from her and sharing the load.

Henry glanced at Elizabeth; in that moment the beauty of winter had come flooding into him, the warmth radiated his body as she walked at his side, the comfort and happiness restored, he finally felt home. Sometimes the winter can resemble our fate; the branches break and lose colour in winter, but we know they will blossom again in the spring; the colours will come back stronger and more vibrant then before. The same could be said for their relationship.