Chapter 19 - Neither a Bang nor a Whimper...but a Fiesta!
The EVA pilots and the staff on the bridge were stunned at the appearance of SEELE's nine last resorts flying into view. The EVA series, units 06 through 14, fully-completed, began to deploy from their individual carriers and made their descent into the Geofront. They were truly the most hideously-designed EVAs: they had black and-white armor, eyeless heads with red-lipped rictus grins, and deployable wings on their backs, which they used to glide down to the floor of the Geofront. Each one carried a weapon resembling a giant, gray, dual-bladed heavy spear. They almost looked like a flock of bipedal birds of prey. The mere sight of them proved to be unnerving for all who witnessed their descent.
"They actually did it..." Fuyutsuki lamented. "They've deployed all nine Mass Production Units."
"Hyuga?" Misato asked.
"Confirmed," Makoto replied as he pulled up the specs. "They're everything we were worried about."
"All equipped with S2 organs and a dummy plug," Maya added as she examined the specs, which she and Ritsuko had managed to swipe using the MAGI a few days prior.
"Dummy plug? But how'd they get it operational?" Shigeru asked.
"They probably based the thought patterns off of Kaworu Nagisa," Makoto theorized. "But if all nine of them are here..."
"It can only mean one thing," Ritsuko solemnly began to say, as she looked up to Fuyutsuki.
"Yes..." the former professor indicated. "They really plan to initiate it here."
Soon all the MP EVAs had landed, and began moving towards Units-01, 02, and 03. Misato immediately spoke into the comms.
"Guys, listen up," she said to the pilots, "You must destroy all of the EVA series. It's the only way to keep SEELE from starting Third Impact on their own. Under no circumstances are you to let them fly off with Unit-01, so stick together and fight them off as a team. With any luck, Units-04 and 05 will join you soon. Right now, we're sending a couple of weapons lockers your way. Stand by, and get ready to move on my signal. Understood?"
"Roger," all three pilots replied.
Sure enough, a couple of weapons lockers were deployed to the surface, and the three EVAs quickly dashed over to them and started arming themselves: Unit-01 with a pallet rifle, Unit-02 with a prog-glaive, and Unit-03 with a grenade launcher and a pistol. They then saw the pace of the MP EVAs quicken as they got closer. The three NERV EVAs then readied themselves.
"NOW!" Misato shouted. At her signal, two of the three EVAs began unleashing volleys of fire at the MP EVAs. While a few of the white beasts shrugged off the salvo, two took a few shots to the head and slumped over.
"Yeah! Two down!" Toji shouted triumphantly.
"Don't get cocky," Misato warned. "These things are equipped with S2 engines. They're gonna be hard to kill."
Soon enough, the two MP's that went down started getting back up. They then rejoined the rest and began pointing their spears forward.
"Be careful of those spears!" Ritsuko warned the pilots, "if my guess is correct, they're probably replicas of the Lance of Longinus-you won't stand a chance if they hit you!"
"As if you could make us feel more pressured?!" an irate Asuka replied. "Guys, switch to melee weapons, it might help us last longer!"
"Right!" both Shinji and Toji replied as they grabbed some prog-blade weapons of their own. Like the Three Musketeers, the trio parried each blow of the MP's weapons. The odds still weren't good, considering it was nine-on-three...
Terminal Dogma, the Chamber of Gauf, around the same time as the MP EVAs' descent...
Gendo and Rei had at last arrived in the presence of Lilith. Both looked up at the white giant on the metal cross, before Gendo turned to Rei.
"Adam and I are now as one," a now-desperate-looking Gendo said as he took off his right glove, revealing the embryonic Adam in his palm. "For this is the only way to be with Yui again: the forbidden joining of Adam and Lilith."
Rei merely stared back at Gendo. He was too frazzled to notice that she was still clothed, but in his current mental state, he didn't care.
"Let's begin, Rei..." Gendo commanded as he reached out with his Adam-ized palm towards her chest. "Release your AT-Field, the barrier of your heart. Complement your imperfect heart, leave your useless body...Merge all souls into one...and then, take me to Yui's side..."
Suddenly, as the Adam palm was within a few inches of the left side of Rei's chest, it was repelled as it appeared to 'bounce' off, as a cartoonish 'boing' was heard. Gendo and even Adam were astonished.
"Huh-WHA?!" Gendo let out. He and Adam looked at each other, speechless, before turning back to Rei, who still stood there, her face betraying no emotion. They then reached out to try again, but the Adam palm was again repelled, confounding them further. They tried on the right side of Rei's chest, but it still happened. It was like trying to make the same poles of two magnets stick together, but it wouldn't work-plus wouldn't attract plus, minus wouldn't attract minus. Gendo and Adam were now flabbergasted.
"Wha-what the hell's going on here?!" he wondered in a panic. "Why isn't it working?!"
Rei continued to look up at Gendo. "Is something wrong?" she asked in monotone. "You said to begin. The time is now, after all..." The moment she said that, she let her mask slip fully off as a mischievous grin appeared on her face. "...NOT!"
Gendo was taken aback by this sudden change in Rei's demeanor, as was Adam. "R-Rei? What are you-? What's-?!"
"Yeeeaaahhh, something tells me your little 'scenario' probably can't be started..." Rei started to say in an amused manner, "...when your key's lacking an S2 organ!" She then giggled gleefully at how much of an effect this revelation was having on the increasingly-confused ex-commander of NERV.
"Y-you...don't have your S2 organ?!" Gendo asked. "You mean you're...fully human? But how-?"
"You can thank me for that," a new voice answered from out of nowhere.
Gendo and Adam's eyes went wider as they saw Naoko phase up through the floor.
"One of the perks of a ghostly state of being? The capability of making much-needed surgeries that much easier," Naoko said, with a schadenfreude-laden smile on her face.
"Just like getting your appendix out," Rei added. "Minus the scar, thank god. As for my former S2 organ...we stuck it some place where it'll be more useful: right in Unit-00."
Gendo's jaw hit the floor at hearing that. If Adam had a jaw at the moment, it'd be there too.
"You...it's been you two this whole time, hasn't it?!" Gendo asked, as he began to put the pieces together. "You're the reason my scenario's...?"
"Totally bupkis?" Rei smugly finished. "Yeah, pretty much. And why SEELE's scenario will be completely derailed soon."
"Though we can't take all the credit for making all this possible," Naoko said as she motioned towards the edge of the LCL lake below Lilith's feet. "We did have quite the partner, after all..."
"Indeed you did," said a new voice in a Germanic accent.
Gendo turned towards the sound of that voice, as he saw a newcomer walk towards them. It was Beetlejuice, but in yet another guise of a famous character. He wore a black-and-white-striped bodysuit, slightly covered in pinkish robes. On his feet were pinkish shoes, and on his head was a black-and-white metallic headband. A matching belt was around his waist, and hanging from his shoulders was a pinkish cape that connected to his robes.
Though the colors weren't the same, Gendo recognized the style of the getup immediately. He'd seen it only once before, worn by a character in a book he'd read during his college years:
Ozymandias, the mastermind of Watchmen.
"Y-you! I've seen you before!" Gendo said warily, his pointing left hand shaking. "Every time I've gone to my office, for the past several months..."
"Among other instances, yes," Beetlemandias replied. "Of that, there is little to discuss." He soon stood between Naoko and Rei, as Gendo finally realized they were all in on it together.
"I'm surprised you didn't figure it out earlier," Naoko said. "After all, of all the flaws in your scenario-and SEELE's-you never accounted for the possibility...of vengeance from beyond the grave."
"When Naoko approached me, she made me a very tantalizing offer when it came to you and yours," Beetlemandias said. "You indeed proved to be an interesting challenge, one that I can say I am quite satisfied with overcoming." He then approached Gendo slowly. "Neutralizing the psychological aspects of your plans proved to be an intriguing task in and of itself. While I helped the woman you manipulated into becoming your 'Ahab' find love again and drove your mistress away from you, Rei-the girl you fashioned to be your puppet-helped your son and the Second Child work to overcome their respective insecurities." He paused for a moment as he looked Naoko's way. "Torturing you alongside Naoko proved to be quite amusing as well. How did that old saying go? Ah, yes-'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'."
"Oh, it was nothing," Naoko said as she began listing off on her fingers. "I definitely got a great kick out of shooting you, hacking you to pieces with an ax, slashing you with a razor..."
"Don't leave out my contribution," Rei chimed in. "I AM the reason he's not gonna be joining the 'hair club for men' any time soon."
Gendo grew even more shocked on hearing that admission. "Y-You...made me bald?!"
"And clean-shaven," Rei added. "Let's face it, Abe Lincoln called, he wanted his beard back." She chuckled at her own joke immediately after saying it.
Gendo was speechless again for a brief moment. Then he spoke again.
"This...this wasn't supposed to happen," he lamented. "I was supposed to beat the old men at their own game...I was supposed to reunite with Yui..."
"By psychologically-scarring innocent children, including your own son-my brother?" Rei asked.
"By manipulating and using others, like Professor Fuyutsuki, like Major Katsuragi...like myself and my daughter?" Naoko added.
"By bringing catastrophe upon the world, not once, but twice, in the span of a decade and five years?" Beetlemandias said.
"Therefore, you see," Rei began to say. "In order to save the world...we had to trick its would-be destroyers..."
"...And scare one of them completely out of their wits," Naoko finished. "You."
Gendo was gobsmacked. He then looked fervently at Lilith on the metal cross, and then at Adam in his palm.
"No, no, I can still do this," he said in desperation. "I can still pull off the forbidden union myself. I don't care what becomes of me."
At that instant, Beetlemandias let out a full-on hearty laugh, further confusing the former commander.
"Gendo, Gendo, Gendo, you silly, deluded fool," Beetlemandias said, "I'm not an emotionally-crippled rube from some depressing Gainax anime." He then walked towards a concrete post to his right as he continued. "Do you seriously think you'd be able to pull off your so-called 'masterstroke' if there remained the slightest chance of it coming to pass?" he asked as he gripped a part of what turned out to be a concrete-colored tarp. "Especially with me having inserted myself into the course of events?" He then yanked the tarp off of what turned out to be a holographic projector. "Lilith left this chamber thirty-five minutes ago."
He then turned the projector off, causing the image of Lilith to vanish, revealing an erstwhile unoccupied metal cross. Gendo was absolutely, completely, utterly shocked. It was true: all his plans, his manipulations, his double-dealing-all of it had now been effectively flushed down the drain. And all at the hands (living or dead) of two of the women he'd wronged in his life (plus a very uncouth, very unorthodox ghost).
The Geofront, topside, around the same time...
It was becoming an increasingly Sisyphean situation for the three EVA pilots. The Mass Production EVAs weren't giving them any wiggle room to try and go for the cores, and had backed them more and more into something of a corner. Each time Shinji, Asuka or Toji knocked one down, it'd get back up.
"These freaks aren't letting up!" Toji decried.
"Gee, ya think, Captain Obvious?!" Asuka sarcastically replied as she took a whack at another MP EVA.
"Where's our backup?!" a worried Shinji asked.
All of a sudden, static crackled on their comms, and soon a new voice was heard.
"GERONIMOOOOOO!"
Two large objects landed a few feet away from the fight, shaking the ground and temporarily knocked the combatants slightly off-balance. When the dust cleared, the three pilots looked with surprise at the new arrivals. They were the reinforcements they'd been waiting for.
"Are those-?" Shinji started to ask.
"Unit-04 and Unit-05!" Asuka said excitedly. "They're here!"
Toji took a moment to look at the newly-arrived EVAs. Unit-04 looked like a mostly-silver-colored version of his own Unit-03. Unit-05, the light gray and green-colored provisional model, was a different thing altogether: its upper body looked like a regular EVA, though its arms were fully mechanical, with hands were 'claws', the right of which was holding a large spear similar to the kind of lance used by a jousting knight. Its lower body consisted entirely of prosthesis, with each of its "legs" being four appendages each equipped with a wheel at their end, and thrusters to help it maneuver.
Two vid-screens then popped up in the three pilots' entry plugs, revealing Marie Vincennes in Unit-04 and Mari Makinami in Unit-05.
"Long time no see, Asuka!" Marie greeted. "Sorry we're late, had a bit of a layover on the way in!" She then turned her attention to Shinji. "This your boyfriend? You snagged a real cute one here!"
Shinji blushed at hearing that.
"Nice to see you too, but now's not the time for flirting!" Asuka replied. She then took a look at Mari. "'Illustrious'," she greeted.
"'Princess,'" Mari greeted in turn, with a Cheshire Cat-like grin. "How 'bout we show these pasty-faced, knock-off sons o' bitches how we do things downtown?"
"Definitely like the sound of that!" Asuka answered. She then quickly jumped to one of the weapons lockers and tossed Marie a prog-glaive, which the Fourth Child caught as she jumped over a few of the MP EVAs while Mari crashed through another few to join the others. Shinji and Toji quickly stuck a couple of power cables into the backs of Units-04 and 05, causing their power gauges to return to 'full'.
Back on the bridge, the staff breathed a sigh of relief upon the arrival of the two human-controlled EVAs. Misato took a look up at a speechless Fuyutsuki.
"I'd say we're close to evening the odds a bit more, don't you think?" she asked the former professor.
The Chamber of Gauf...
"Sounds like a couple of more guests just joined the party," Naoko said as she looked upward, before looking back at Gendo. "Your so-called subordinates were smart enough to get NERV-2 on their side, who in turn sent Units-04 and 05. They should prove to put up more of a fight against the EVA series now."
"And something tells me I should join them," Rei chimed in. "Wouldn't want to miss out on all the fun." With that she started walking out of the Chamber. As she passed by Gendo, she paused mid-step to further pour salt in the wound.
"By the way, 'daddy dearest'..." she began to say right into his ear, "I just wanted to let you know: I stopped being your 'doll' a long time ago. See ya!" She then continued on her way. Gendo didn't seem to register her words, until he started hearing her singing a peculiar song.
"I've got no strings,
To hold me down,
To make me fret,
Or make me frown.
I had strings,
But now I'm free.
There are no strings on me!"
She continued singing even long after she'd exited the Chamber as she broke into a run to the elevator, leaving Gendo alone with only Naoko and Beetlejuice, who'd returned to his regular form a minute before.
"We'd better be going too, Gendo dear," Naoko said, "considering we've got some additional steps to take in order to end the battle upstairs."
"But before we do..." Beetlejuice started to say, "here's a lil' somethin' fer the road."
At that, both Beetlejuice and Naoko shape-shifted into some very terrifying forms that growled, forms so scary that they couldn't be described in this single sentence. Gendo's eyes, and that of the thing in the palm of his right hand, went as wide as dinner plates. Only one sound was heard between the two of them:
"HOAHLY SMOKES!"
Gendo, confused, looked to where the sound had come from, revealed to be Adam in his palm. What Adam did next astounded him even further-the embryonic form of the First Angel sprouted a pair of tiny arms and proceeded to pry itself right out of Gendo's palm, landing on the ground on newly-sprouted legs. Adam then pointed up at Gendo with its left arm.
"SCREW YOU, MAN!" the First Angel said. "I'M OUTTA HERE!"
Adam then grabbed a small suitcase, donned a tiny porkpie hat, and then grabbed a handwritten sign that said 'Cleveland or bust!'. It then ran like hell out of the Chamber of Gauf, to parts (at this time) unknown. The still-stunned Gendo didn't move an inch, even after Naoko and Beetlejuice 'waved goodbye' as they floated to the surface, leaving him alone. Then, finally, Gendo made a sound.
First it was a mere chuckle. Then it grew louder, turning into laughter. A manic grin appeared on Gendo's face as he then was beset by uncontrollable, hysterical laughter while he fell to his knees. It'd finally happened: Gendo Ikari, mastermind of a plot to hijack another masterminded plot to wipe out the human race, all in the name of reuniting with his late wife...had finally cracked, his marbles fully lost.
The Geofront, topside, a few minutes later...
The battle against the EVA series had gotten a bit better for the pilots, but the SEELE-controlled scourges still wouldn't go down easily.
"Whose bright idea was it to give these things S2 engines?!" an irritated Marie asked rhetorically as she beat back a thrust of one MP EVA's spear.
"We gotta be wearin' them down somehow!" Toji complained while trading blows with his own opponent, "'Cause I'm really gettin' tired of havin' to 'Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!' over and over again!"
"You kidding?! I'm havin' the time of my life right here!" Mari excitedly shouted while she whacked her foe with abandon.
Shinji and Asuka fought as one, back-to-back, as both said the same thing in sync: "Any time now, Rei..."
"Someone say my name?" came a voice over the shared comms.
The door to a nearby EVA bay then opened up, and Unit-00 shot out, a prog-axe in its hands. Blasting out of its speakers was the sound of Brian May's guitar, as a certain "Battle Theme" started playing.
Shinji could've sworn he heard his mom cheer upon hearing that, and he was right.
"WHOO! That's DEFINITELY my girl!" Yui shouted from within Unit-01's core, startling Shinji in the plug. It was certainly an odd time for him to learn that his mom's favorite guilty pleasure movie was Flash Gordon.
Unit-00 landed in the middle of the fight and immediately went to town on one of the MP EVA's, bisecting it with one swift stroke, and taking out the core in the process. The arrival of the blue EVA wasn't lost on the NERV-2 pilots.
"Who's that?!" Mari asked.
"Is she the First Child?!" Marie also wondered.
Shinji smiled wide. "More than that," he said with pride. "She's my sister!"
Cheers erupted from within Central Dogma, as the tide of the battle was turning much more favorably for the staff gathered. On the other side of the globe, within SEELE's war room, the council's feelings were more on the opposite end, as they viewed the footage being captured by one of their spy planes.
"YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!" Kihl decried. "This isn't supposed to happen!"
The other pilots, their morale given a significant boost, lashed out at their foes with renewed vigor. Soon enough, what were once nine Mass Production EVAs had now been reduced to three, all of which were now surrounded by the sextet of NERV's EVAs. Each gripped its weapon, warily eyeing the multi-colored foes they were facing.
"Whaddya think?" Asuka asked. "Take 'em out all at once, or take turns...?"
Mari licked her lips in anticipation.
The bridge...
Makoto noticed something on one of his monitors that caused him to get Misato's attention.
"Major! Outside the main entrance!" he said as he pointed to the monitor.
Misato took a look, and saw that all the JSSDF troops that had been herded topside were now all together. It appeared they'd taken some time to regroup, and were now preparing for an all-out assault to get into HQ as they formed up on the front door.
"Oh, crap! I forgot about them!" Misato said.
The battlefield...
The six EVAs readied their weapons as they stared down the three remaining MP EVAs. Just then, Rei spoke up.
"Leave 'em be for now," she said.
This surprised the rest of her compatriots.
"WHAT?!" Shinji asked.
"You serious?!" followed Toji.
"ZUR HöLLE?!" added Asuka.
"WHY?!" both Marie and Mari wondered.
Rei simply smiled. "'Cause my partners and I have a special demise planned for them. Turn on the feed at HQ and you'll see what I mean."
"How?!" the other five pilots asked.
"With three little words..." Rei replied, her smile widening. Said three words were something nobody saw coming at all:
"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE!"
At that instant, a puff of purple smoke appeared in front of the entrance to the main building of HQ, right before the astonished eyes of the assembled JSSDF troops. The smoke dissipated to reveal Beetlejuice, a big, smarmy grin on his face.
The staff watching from the bridge were surprised by the appearance of the newcomer.
"Who the hell is that?!" wondered Misato.
"Wait, those eyes..." noticed Ritsuko.
"That grin..." Maya added.
"Those stripes..." said Makoto, "Haven't we seen them somewhere before?"
Everyone's eyes went wide when they realized that, yes, they had indeed.
Outside, the troops raised and cocked their weapons as they aimed at Beetlejuice. Unfazed by their threatening gestures, Beetlejuice shrugged.
"Sorry, folks...it's showtime!" he said as he waved a pair of jazz hands. He then raised his left hand upward. "Sorry/not sorry for stealin' Jim Carrey's bit, so...HIT IT!" He then snapped his fingers.
The moment he did, the three MP EVAs froze, and then stood straight up at the sound of an odd 'sproing!', dropping their weapons in the process. Except for Rei, the five pilots merely said one word:
"HUH?!"
Beetlejuice snapped his fingers again, and soon on the bridge, radar picked up a large object heading towards the Geofront.
"Major! Bogie coming in fast!" Makoto reported. He then put it up on the monitor. The shape of the rapidly-approaching object soon became apparent to Fuyutsuki.
"It can't be..." he said. "The Lance of Longinus?"
Sure enough, the original Lance of Longinus appeared on the battlefield, where it quickly turned upright, its prongs pointing skyward. Then, to the astonished eyes of those who saw it, the Lance transformed. It seemingly split into two halves, while a bar appeared between the prongs. It then lodged itself into the ground a few feet away from the EVAs.
"No way," Shigeru said.
"Did it just turn into...?" Toji started to ask.
"...A limbo stick?!" Shinji finished.
The jaws of every other pilot (save Rei) and everyone in the command center dropped.
Beetlejuice then snapped his fingers again. To the right of the front door of HQ, a large bandstand occupied by a very undead-looking band appeared in a puff of purple smoke. At the same time, Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya vanished from the bridge in similar puffs of smoke, and reappeared to the left of the entrance. To their astonished eyes, their clothes had been transformed, leaving them looking like a trio of Miami Beach party girls circa 1988. Beetlejuice then snapped his fingers a final time.
When he did, the three MP EVAs started doing something nobody on either side expected-they started to dance and sing. And not just any song...
"Ole oleeee, ole ole...
Ole oleeee, ole ole..."
The band started playing, causing Misato, Ritsuko and Maya to start dancing, the looks on their faces appearing to be horrified. None of them expected to fall under this kind of spell again, not since the calypso incident before the 11th Angel attacked. A spotlight turned and focused on Beetlejuice, who'd undergone a little wardrobe change of his own. His hair had been slicked back and styled into a pompadour, and his normally rumpled and haggard suit had turned into a neatly-pressed and clean striped tuxedo. A full martini glass appeared in his left hand, as he then launched fully into the song as well.
"FiiiiiESTAAAA! HA HA!"
The band was now in full swing. Among the soldiers, a few actually started to tap their toes, slowly being entranced by the beat.
Me mind on fire! Me soul on fire, feeling hot hot hot!
NERV's own EVA's soon started to get into the groove themselves, much to the surprise of all but two pilots: Rei and Mari.
Party people, all around me, feeling hot hot hot!
The jaws of every staff member on the bridge, and on the other side of the world in SEELE's war room, continued to hang open as they witnessed what was going on.
What to doooo, on a night like this?
Music sweet - I can't resist!
We neeeeeed a party song; a fuuuunnndamental jam!
So we go rum-bum-bum-bum!
Yeah, we rum-bum-bum-bum!
Feeling hot hot hot - Feeling hot hot hot - oh LORD!
[Brass bridge]
Misato/Ritsuko/Maya [not of their own volition]: We ba-rum-bum-bum-bum...
As they continued to watch on their monitors, Makoto and Shigeru could've sworn that they saw Bill Murray, a cocktail mixer in-hand, carousing through the throng of soldiers.
See people rocking! Hear people chanting! Feeling hot hot hot!
At this point, a lot of the soldiers began to give up the ghost and join in on the fun.
Keep up this spirit! Come on let's do it! Feeling hot hot hot!
It's in the aaaiiiir, celebration time!
Music sweet - captivate your mind!
We haaaavvvve this party song; this fuuuunnndamental jam!
So we go rum-bum-bum-bum
Yeah we rum-bum-bum-bum
Feeling hot hot hot - Feeling hot hot hot - Oooh LORD!
As the brass sounded off, the soldiers in front of the building, almost simultaneously with the EVAs out on the battlefield, began to form two separate conga lines of vastly different sizes. More startling was how some of the soldiers began to sing along.
Ha-ha!
Ole oleeee, ole ole...
Ole oleeee, ole ole...
Ole oleeee, ole ole...
Ole oleeee, ole ole...
The conga lines then briefly stopped as everyone started moving to the percussion solo.
People in the party, hot hot hot!
People in the party, hot hot hot!
They come to the party, know what they got!
They come to the party, know what they got!
I'm hot - You're hot - He's hot - She's hot!
I'm hot - You're hot - He's hot - She's hot!
Misato/Ritsuko/Maya [all still thinking 'what the hell his happening...?]:
Real hot! [first guitar lick]
Real hot! [second guitar lick]
Real hot! [third guitar lick]
Real hot! [fourth guitar lick, transition to acoustic solo]
At that, Beetlejuice snapped his fingers again. Shigeru vanished from his station and then reappeared in the bandstand, where his body moved on its own as he, to his own surprise, played the acoustic guitar solo of the song. While that happened, the conga lines began to reform, with the EVA one starting to move towards the Limbo Stick of Longinus, the MP EVAs at the front.
Beetlejuice:
How you feeling?
Misato/Ritsuko/Maya:
Hot hot hot!
Beetlejuice:
How you feeling?
Misato/Ritsuko/Maya:
Hot hot hot!
Beetlejuice:
How you feeling?
Misato/Ritsuko/Maya:
Hot hot hot!
Beetlejuice:
How you feeling?
Misato/Ritsuko/Maya:
Hot hot hot!
With the next three 'Hot hot hots', as each MP EVA passed under the limbo stick, the sides of the poles shot spikes through their cores, taking them permanently out of action. The non-MP EVAS continued under the limbo stick unimpeded.
The SEELE war room...
The SEELE council was utterly speechless and devastated at what they were seeing. Just when they were on the cusp of achieving Instrumentality, the rug was pulled right out from under them, in a way none of them thought possible.
"NO! NO!" decried SEELE-03.
"OUR INSTRUMENTALITY!" bemoaned SEELE-06.
"OUR ASCENSION!" lamented SEELE-09.
"Billions upon billions of dollars...WASTED!" complained SEELE-12.
"*HHHHHH* Can this day get any f*****g worse...?" Lorenz Kihl, aka SEELE-01 wondered as he shook his head in despair. Then, as if by an act of serendipity, it did in fact get worse for them.
Suddenly, the doors to each council members' respective offices burst open, as armed agents entered.
"This is Interpol! Hands where we can see them!" was heard from an agent in each office. With no other means out, all the council members were forced to comply. In Kihl's office, another agent walked up to the now-handcuffed Kihl.
"Phone call for you," she said as she held a smartphone out and pressed the 'speaker on' button.
"Been a while, Chairman Kihl," Kaji said on the other line.
"YOU!" Kihl let out, enraged at hearing the sound of Kaji's voice.
"Yep, me," Kaji replied. "And may I say, it gives me great pleasure to tell you...on behalf of the government of Japan and the authority of the United Nations, you're under arrest for crimes against humanity." On his end of the phone, Kaji smirked. "Looking forward to seeing you at the Hague. Auf wiedersehen!" With that, Kaji hung up the phone, and continued to drive on towards the Geofront.
The Geofront, minutes later...
The 'party' had long since ended, with Beetlejuice and the other musical spooks having vanished in puffs of purple smoke to the astonishment of everyone present. The JSSDF troops had all gotten urgent communiques from up high, revealing the extent of the manipulation that set them on the path to invading NERV HQ. Upon learning of what transpired, the squad leaders apologized to the NERV staff that had gathered outside, including Fuyutsuki and the rest of the bridge crew. The EVA pilots had all exited their respective mechs, and had joined the crowd to see if Misato and the others were all right. Kaji had managed to get down and had reunited with Misato. Meanwhile, Rei spoke to a couple of the squad leaders.
"You'll find Gendo Ikari on the last level of Terminal Dogma," she informed them, "in a room labeled 'Heaven's Gate', also called LCL Plant No. 3. Oh, and when you do find him..." She then took a straitjacket out from behind her back. "You might wanna put this on him."
The squad leaders looked at each other confusedly, till one of them took the jacket and called for a few of his men to join them as they headed inside.
Shinji and Asuka looked around, awestruck by what had just happened: they'd done it. Third Impact had been averted. They were alive. Realizing this just now, the two of them embraced in a passionate kiss. The moment was slightly ruined when Misato ensnared them in a bear hug, overjoyed to see they were all right. Then, out of the corner of his eye, Shinji noticed movement, followed by a flash of light.
"Look! The EVAs!" he pointed out. Everyone looked in the direction he indicated and saw a bright streak of light pass over the inactive Evangelions. The light grew brighter in a great flash, forcing everyone to cover their eyes. When they opened them again, they were shocked by what lay before them: the EVAs looked like they'd fallen to pieces, with only the armor that constrained their full power remaining. Everyone ran towards them, and upon closer inspection saw why: the organic components of the Evangelions had vanished!
"That-that's impossible!" Ritsuko said. "Even the Lance of Longinus is gone!"
Misato looked at her friend, and rolled her eyes slightly.
"Rits, where've you been for the past few months?" she asked sarcastically. She then noticed a piece of paper left on the foot of Unit-01. "Huh, what's this?" She then took the paper, which turned out to be a card, off the foot and noticed a name on it. "Uh, Rei, apparently it's for you." She then handed the card to the First Child, who opened it up and read it aloud:
"Dear Rei,
As promised, here's my end of the bargain. All Angelic matter has permanently been removed from the face of the Earth. I even took the liberty of disintegrating the Dead Sea Scrolls held by the SEELE council. Other than that, I left an additional surprise for Shinji and Asuka, if they look where the cores of Units-01 and 02 used to be. Thank you, and thank you to your 'partners' for undoing the damage my kind has done to your world, preventing the disaster that would've come, and for freeing me. I don't know about you, but I really need a vacation. Ciao!
Sincerely, Lilith."
"Well, that was nice of her," Maya mused.
"Forget that, I had no idea she was so...aware," Ritsuko said.
At that moment, the sound of a deep breath could be heard from the pit in Unit-01's chest that used to house its core. A curious Shinji moved towards the giant, then climbed up the EVA's arm to get to the chest. As he peered over the edge, his eyes went wide with surprise at what he found:
Kneeling down in there was a fully-alive, flesh-and-blood Yui Ikari, taking a breath of fresh air for the first time in eleven years. Lilith, in addition to ridding the EVAs of their organic components, had freed her from the core and given her a new body.
"MOM?!" Shinji called out in wonder.
Yui looked up and saw Shinji looking down at her. "Shinji...? Shinji! Is that you?!"
As if sensing something, Asuka quickly dashed to Unit-02's right arm and climbed up it, and peered into the chest of the red giant. Surprise met her when she saw Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu, her own mother, leaning against the inner wall of the pit, another beneficiary of Lilith's parting gift.
"...Mama?!" Asuka called to her.
"Asuka?" Kyoko replied as she looked upward, tears of joy starting to well in her eyes. "Asuka!"
"You're alive!" Asuka shouted in turn.
"Don't worry, mom, we'll get you out of there!" Shinji shouted down to Yui.
"That sounds great, honey, but you might want to throw me down something first..." Yui sheepishly implied.
Realizing what his mother was saying, Shinji blushed heavily and turned to call down to the group below.
"We need some blankets up here!"
Outside NERV HQ, moments later...
Yui and Kyoko, blankets wrapped around them, sat and drank from some water bottles as they talked with their respective children, both of whom were ecstatic to find them alive and whole again after so long. A lot of hugs had been exchanged the moment they'd been helped out of the pits of what used to be Unit-01 and 02's cores. It was also the first time Yui and Rei hugged, the former happy to meet her new daughter at last. Misato and the others looked on, happy that one particular wish of her charges had been granted. The group's reverie was interrupted as the sound of hysterical laughter was heard. Looking in the direction of where it was coming from, shocked expressions appeared on their faces when they saw the now-straitjacket-clad Gendo, his trademark tinted glasses very askew, being escorted out of the building by the JSSDF troops that had gone down to retrieve him from Terminal Dogma. Strangely, in-between laughs Gendo was babbling something that was oddly fitting for his current state of mind:
"And they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho hee-hee ha-haaa!
To the funny farm,
Where life is beautiful all the time...
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men,
In their clean white coats
And they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa..."
As Gendo was brought into an APC, most of the group continued to stare with their mouths agape, dumbstruck by the sight of the now-insane ex-commander of NERV.
"I can't believe I married that guy," said Yui.
"I can't believe I slept with that guy," said Ritsuko.
"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" Rei cheekily chimed in, a small tub of the selfsame spread in her hands.
Everyone turned and stared at her, bewildered by the odd choice of non-sequitur she used.
"...Too soon?" she asked.
END Chapter 19.
**Author's Note(s)**
The battle's over, and the good guys won...by partying down! Not exactly a 'Bollywood' ending, but effective.
When Rei's mask slips, she invokes one of the many catchphrases of Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar.
Beetlejuice, as described above, assumes the form of Ozymandias from Watchmen (in truth, my least favorite franchise out there, so any chance to make fun of it I'll take); his speech to Gendo of course riffs on the legendary climax to the original comic/graphic novel.
Gendo reasoning that he could attempt the forbidden union without Rei is a riff on Rakna's classic EVA fanfic "The One I Love Is".
Mari's the second single character here to riff on a line from Ghostbusters, in this case Peter's line when the team faces Gozer on the roof of Dana Barrett's apartment building.
When Rei leaves the Chamber, she fittingly sings the trademark song of Disney's adaptation of Pinocchio, which was also invoked by the titular robot from Avengers: Age of Ultron.
During the fight, Toji quotes the classic Looney Tunes short "Robin Hood Daffy", when the title character demonstrates his 'skill' with the quarterstaff.
Rei enters the battle in Unit-00 to the sounds of the "Battle Theme" by Queen, from their soundtrack to 1980's Flash Gordon movie.
At last, Rei finally uses Lydia's line from the actual Beetlejuice movie and cartoon show!
The musical number borrows from the setup of the 'Cuban Pete' sequence from The Mask, while Beetlejuice assumes a form based on singer David Johansen's "Buster Poindexter" persona, which he utilized for his 1988 cover of "Hot Hot Hot".
Gendo, while being led out by the soldiers, sings part of the 1966 novelty song "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" by Jerry Samuels (under the name Napoleon XIV).
The disappearance of the Evangelions' organic components and the restoration of Yui and Kyoko is borrowed from Tribun's EVA fanfic "Going Another Way". Like him, I hated how the TV series and End of Evangelion ended the story.
And finally, Rei invokes a gag from the Family Guy (season four) episode "8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter", which in turn parodied the famous commercials for the butter substitute.
It's not over yet folks-we still have an epilogue! (Plus extras that follow...)