A/N: At last, an update. This one was hard to write for some reason, and now here it is at 3:30 in the morning…so, if I've spouted gibberish…I'll fix it when I'm more awake.

An Unlikely Angel

Chapter 18: A Great Gift

"Answer me, Mac!" Harm continued to wave Mac's note in front of her face.

"Harm…it's not what you think." She tried to placate him, her heart pounding. She could tell Harm wasn't buying it.

"Then what is it, Mac, huh? Because it sure sounds like it is!" He loosened his hold on the sheet of paper in his hand, smoothed it out, and began to read.

"I'm so tired. I can't do this anymore. It's too hard and I'm so, so sorry. Mac."

"Harm…it…it's not…I didn't mean it…"

Mac gasped when Harm's hand shot out to grab her arm. He pulled her closer, leaning down so his face was only inches from hers. "You didn't mean it? Then tell me why I found it next to your will. Your insurance and bank information? My god, Mac! If I hadn't come here when I did, would you have done it?"

Harm didn't wait for her to answer before he let go of her. He moved frantically around the kitchen, opening the cupboards and pulling open the refrigerator and freezer doors.

"What are you doing, Harm? Harm!" She was desperate to explain herself, but Harm wasn't having it.

"Were you going to use pills? Overdose?" Mac shook her head, despite that being exactly how she had planned on ending it.

"Then what? Oh my god…" Suddenly Harm grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her along with him. He let go of her in the living room and went first to her desk, yanking open drawer after drawer and rifling through it. He slammed the last drawer closed and stood up, eyes blazing. "Where is it?" He came around the desk to loom over her again. "Where. Is. It?!"

"Where's what, Harm? If you would just listen to me…"

He wouldn't though, and the next thing she knew he was holding up one finger in front of her face to shush her. He then grabbed her hand and dragged her to her bedroom, where he proceeded to yank open the top drawer of her nightstand. He reached in and pulled out her sidearm, promptly unloading it before he slipped it into the waistband of his pants at the small of his back.

Mac watched all of this in shock. Harm was on a rampage, but if he'd just take a moment and listen to her!

What, you think he'll believe your story about Loren Singer as your guardian angel? Tell him that and he'll really think you're crazy.

Harm startled her again when he stepped up to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Where is it? Your other gun. I know you have one. Where the hell is it, Mac?!"

Mac looked up into the wild eyes of her partner. She had no idea how she was going to explain this or at least get him to calm down. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but the next thing she knew he was shaking her and shouting in her face again.

"Goddammit, Mac! What the hell were you thinking? Where the fuck is your other gun?!"

"Harm, stop it." She tried to remain calm. She did see the fear underneath the fury in his eyes, knew it was her fault, but dammit, he needed to stop this.

Harm abruptly let go of her and started pacing in front of her. "I will not stop it, Mac! How could you even think of doing something like this? Don't you know that I…that I…" He suddenly whirled around and rushed out of her bedroom. She followed him as he crossed her living room and headed toward her door.

What, he's leaving now? No, he wasn't leaving…currently he was sliding his arm behind the antique wardrobe that stood against the wall by her front door. He felt around, then pulled out her second weapon. He knew her well; of course, she had it concealed where she could conveniently access it should something seem amiss as she entered her home. Harm unloaded this gun as well, then slid it into the pocket of his jacket.

"What else, Mac?" he hissed as he turned back toward her.

"Harm…I don't know what you…there's nothing…"

"Don't give me that, Mac. You know damn well what I mean. What else could you use, huh? Huh?" Harm stepped forward again, grasping at her upper arms and shaking her once more, only this time he kept shouting at her, his words coming fast and often incomprehensible. Mac was crying at this point, and if she would have looked up at him, she would have seen that Harm was as well.

Finally, Mac screamed back. "Stop it, Harm! Stop yelling at me! Just stop! Just stop…" She broke down into sobs, never knowing the exact moment when Harm gathered her in his arms and held her close, whispering apologies into her hair. She barely registered it when he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the sofa, sitting down with her in his lap, but eventually she felt the soft leather of his jacket underneath her cheek. The beat of his heart was quick underneath her palm and the shuddering of his breaths told her he was overcome with emotion as well.

For several long minutes, they sat there holding each other, not speaking, until Harm's low voice whispered against her ear.

"Were you really going to do it?"

Mac sighed against him, wanting to deny it, but she knew he would see through her. "Yes." Harm's breath caught and he held her tighter.

"How?"

"Vodka and sleeping pills." She closed her eyes, feeling tears slip down her cheeks.

"When?"

"Last night."

"But you didn't."

"No."

Harm dropped a kiss on her forehead as a tremor went through him. "Thank you, God," he said reverently as he kissed her head again. Mac lifted her hand from his heart and ran it gently down his face, feeling the remnants of his tears along her path. His hand caught hers before she could pull it away and he pressed a kiss to her palm, making her smile softly. Without thinking consciously about, she snuggled further into him. His answer was to tighten his hold, and for a moment, Mac just enjoyed the quiet and his surrounding warmth.

She knew it couldn't last, however, and a few minutes later she felt Harm tense around her. "Harm?" she asked tentatively, certain she didn't have adequate answers to any questions he might pose. "What is it?"

His chest lifted underneath her as he took in a slow, deep breath. "How close?"

"What?"

"How close were you to…to…doing...it?" His words were hesitant, as if he truly didn't want to know the answer, but Mac knew him well. He needed the answer and wouldn't stop asking until he got it, so the most expedient thing to do would be to answer with total honesty.

"I had the first glass of vodka poured and the pill bottles were opened. I was about to take the first sip." She closed her eyes as she remembered the chill of the glass in her hand and the subtle yet welcoming scent of the liquid in it as she raised it to her lips.

"What, ah, stopped you?"

What, indeed. She wasn't ready to tell him about Loren, didn't know if she'd ever be comfortable sharing that, so she gave him the only semi-accurate answer she could think of.

"I got the answer to a prayer I didn't know I was praying instead of the one I was saying in my mind."

"And that was?"

Mac turned her face into his neck, fighting back more tears. "That I wouldn't throw everything up before it had a chance to work."

"Oh, Mac…" Harm choked out and suddenly they were sobbing in each other's arms again, in devastation at what had almost been lost, relief at what hadn't.

Mac honestly couldn't have said how long they sat there clinging to each other, but she gradually became aware of Harm running his palm up and down her back in slow, soothing strokes. She suspected it was soothing to him as well, and she would have happily let him continue the rest of the day. She loved the feel of being held against his solid body, loved his gentleness which would have been squandered had she not stopped him from killing Holbarth all those years ago. She let herself indulge in his touch for five more minutes before she started to pull away.

Harm wouldn't let her.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to—"

"Get ready for Webb?" Harm's tone was a study in neutrality.

"Harm—"

"I'm sorry, Mac. That's none of my business." Expecting him to let go of her after that, she was surprised when his hold on her tightened. As comforting as it was to sit here with him, she did need to get herself ready to go to Bud and Harriet's, and he needed to get back there to Mattie. But first, she needed to clarify her relationship with Clayton Webb.

"Harm, about Webb…"

"No, Mac…it really is none of my business…I know I've been a…a jealous prick about him, but…"

Mac leaned away from him, stunned at his admission of jealousy. The sad thing was, he'd never had any reason to be jealous, but he would never believe her when she said Webb was just a friend. That had to change.

"Harm, there is no Webb. He and I—we really are just friends. He wanted…wants more, but I…I don't feel that way for him and he knows that." Whether Webb accepted that or not, Mac didn't know, but she decided that was his problem. As for Harm, he was just staring at her, relief and skepticism warring in his storm-grey eyes. Mac started to squirm under his gaze, nervous with his silence. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. "Harm, say something."

"I—well, um, what about last night?"

Mac had to look away from his penetrating gaze before she answered. "I lied."

"Why?"

"Because I knew if I mentioned Webb, you'd let me go so I could go…could go…"

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

Harm nodded but remained silent, though she sensed he had more questions. "Harm?" she questioned, when the silence grew too heavy. He swallowed audibly before he answered, and when he did, the single word was full of pain.

"Why?"

"I just told you…oh, you want to know why I was going to…to kill myself." Harm closed his eyes and nodded.

"Oh, Harm…life has always been hard, ever since I was a little girl, and it finally became too much. And then, somewhere in this last year I came to the conclusion that everyone would be better off without me."

"No, Mac…" Mac reached up and gently pressed her fingers to his lips.

"I know, Harm. But that's how it felt. And I was simply exhausted with it all. The struggles. The guilt. The loneliness. I just wanted it to end. Nothing I had done up to this point seem to matter or make a difference so why bother going on? I decided that my final act would be to help you with Mattie…and them maybe my existence wouldn't be a complete waste.

"Harm, I know I need help, and I promise you, I will call tomorrow to get an appointment with a counselor. I haven't dealt with Paraguay, and I know I haven't dealt with a lot of what happened when I was a kid. It's time to change that."

Mac felt Harm nod, and then they lapsed into silence for several moments. She knew he still had more questions, wondered why she had ultimately changed her mind, and probably wondered if she'd eventually go through with it. She wouldn't; the memory of and alternate timeline with Harm as a bitter felon intent on hurting her was enough to remind her that her life had made a difference. Of course, she couldn't exactly tell Harm that. Not without sounding unstable, anyway.

The sound of the oven timer broke her out of her thoughts. "Harm—I need to go check on my pie. And you need to get back to Mattie. I'll see you at Bud and Harriet's." She started to scoot off his lap, but he caught her once more.

"I'm not leaving you, Mac. If you're going to the Roberts', you're going with me."

Mac smiled inwardly at Harm's concerned decree. He'd be hovering over her a while, she was sure, and it warmed her as much as it exasperated her. Given the reason he was so worried, however, she knew she would probably need to just go along with it. She could at least indulge him this once.

"Okay, Harm." He was obviously relieved as he finally let her stand up, then slowly stood up himself. Mac watched as he stretched out the kinks from having her on his lap for a good hour. She smiled as he groaned a bit, then touched his shoulder to get his attention." Let me get my pie out of the oven and we can go." He nodded and she started to turn to walk away, but he caught her arm.

"Mac?"

"Yes?"

"You scared the hell out of me, Marine."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"If I lost you…"

"You won't."

Harm looked down for a moment, then raised his eyes back to hers. "Promise me, Mac. If you ever feel that way again…you'll come to me? Please?"

She studied him a moment, this flyboy of hers, then softly smiled. "I will, Harm. I promise." She made to walk away, but once again, he called her back.

"Mac…I think I should get some help too. You're not the only one who hasn't dealt with things."

No, I suppose not…we're both so stubborn. His time in the brig had to have been traumatic, and then there was Paraguay and his time in the CIA. "I think that's great, Harm." He flashed a rather subdued grin at her. This time he did allow her to walk away, but she only made it halfway to the kitchen before he called her name again.

Mac turned around to see Harm gazing at her intently. "Yes, Harm?"

"I just…um…you know I love you, right?"

Mac stared at Harm in shock as a blush crept up his cheeks. "Harm…I—"

"I just wanted you to know that."

"Okay." Mac turned and walked into the kitchen. Her hands were shaking as she removed her pie from the oven and set it on the counter. She closed the oven door and turned it off, then just stood there staring at the floor…and it finally hit her what Harm had said…

Oh my god…and I just said, 'Okay'?! What the hell is wrong with me? Suddenly she was running back into the living room, where Harm still awkwardly stood with his hands in his pockets. "Harm!" she cried. He looked up, startled, as she rushed over and threw her arms around him.

"I love you too." She grinned up at him, happy, no, elated, to have her best friend back.

And elated just to be alive.

End Chapter 18