Before Everything
Chapter 18
As Mike suspected, Hannah's hostility reappeared in time for the appointment with Dr. Smith. Christine came with them and would be in the appointment with Mike and Hannah, more to keep the peace.
Mike had thought long and hard about what he would say. He had to fix his relationship with Hannah. They simply could not go on as they had been. It wasn't just affecting him or Hannah. It was affecting Christine, Kaitlyn and Mason; and they were completely innocent.
Dr. Smith gave Hannah the same speech that she had given Mike about letting Mike speak, not interrupting, not getting in a huff about what he said. Mike and Christine were sitting on the couch and Hannah was in one of the armchairs. Her feet didn't even come close to touching the floor and her forehead was still bandaged from her fall a few days before. To Mike, it made her seem that much more innocent looking.
"Hannah, remember the rules. Your dad respected you enough to allow you to talk last week. I ask that you do the same with him." Dr. Smith said from her own armchair next to Hannah's. Christine gave Mike's hand a squeeze and a smile of encouragement.
"Hannah; you think since Lucas died and you didn't, I blame you. Somehow, you were unique, and I thank God for that. If it had been you instead, I promise, I would have been just as devastated. It has nothing to do with you being a girl. Initially, yes; I was angry. Not at you though, even though it seemed like it. I was angry at myself for not being home when you all needed me. I was mad at the Navy. I was angry at a lot of things, but you, Mom, Katie and Lucas were never on the list. I didn't handle things well and I regret letting you go through all those medical tests. I thought if you could help the scientists find a cure, it would be worth it. I was completely wrong. It helped the scientists, and it saved a lot of people, but it did nothing good for my relationship with you, so to me it wasn't worth the trouble it caused." Mike said. Throughout the time he was talking, Hannah's body language had changed several times. Initially she had been defensive. As Mike's emotions had come though, she had leaned closer and watched the tears fall down his face.
"Is there anything else?" Dr. Smith asked as she handed him a tissue.
"Just that I love you, Hannah." Mike said.
"I do have something I want to add. Hannah, I was the one that brought up your dad resenting you and using you as lab rat as a sort of punishment. You overheard us. I may have said it, but as your dad said; he was never angry at you. At the time, I was a little angry at your dad for not being home and not being there when Lucas needed him. I'm not now but it came through when it said those things. I said it to hurt him, because I was angry too. Everything that happened was beyond our control, because if your dad hadn't consented, Dr. Scott could have taken custody of you and done whatever she wanted. I know for a fact, there were things your dad stopped. He wanted to be there for every test and procedure. If we had not allowed them to do it, they would have simply taken you from us and then we couldn't have been there. I know that your dad being there when I was still so sick was a comfort to you and I am certainly glad he wanted to be. Hannah, if you must be angry; be angry at me. I am the one that started all this to begin with." Christine said. Mike hated that she was trying to shift the blame onto herself, but the cat was out of the bag.
"I don't think anger is a good emotion at this point and Hannah, when you and I spoke; you said you were tired of being mad. Remember?" Dr. Smith asked.
"Yeah." Hannah answered.
"And you told me that you wanted to something else. I think this is the right time for that." Dr. Smith said. She gave Hannah a small nod of encouragement.
"But what if he doesn't want it?" Hannah asked in a scared voice. Mike and Dr. Smith exchanged a look and Mike nodded.
"Hannah, whatever it is; I am sure it will be just fine." Mike told her.
Hannah threw herself at Mike and wrapped her arms around him. Mike was a little confused but pulled her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. Even Christine was confused. Mike could feel and hear Hannah cry into his chest.
"Its okay, sweetie. Just let it out." Mike said.
"Some of Hannah's issue is not so different then the two of you. She was angry for Lucas dying and took it out on you. Not so different then either of you. She was afraid that you wouldn't forgive her." Dr. Smith explained. Mike pulled away from Hannah and tipped her chin up, so she was looking at him.
"You are too much like me for your own good. Hannah, you don't have to worry about me forgiving you. We are all at a loss where your brother is concerned. We all loved him…still love him and miss him every second. He would not want us here like this. He would want us to be happy and laughing; not miserable and angry at each other. So, while I don't have anything to forgive you for, you have a great deal to forgive me for. So, for Lucas, what do you say we just call it even and be done with it?" Mike asked and Hannah nodded vigorously about the same time her stomach rumbled. She was hungry.
"You hungry?" Christine asked.
"Yes." Hannah said simply. She was hugging Mike again and Dr. Smith laughed.
"There is a deli down the street. Its pretty good. I eat there a lot and it is open. Now, early on, I gave you the advice to set up some sort of memorial for Lucas. It can be a headstone, or a scholarship, or really anything. My advice is that you don't do it at your home. Reason being is if you do that it can become a sort of shrine and will give you no distance from his death. I realize that sounds terrible, because you don't want to be right now, but there will come a point that you will think of Lucas everyday and smile and laugh, where right now, when you think of Lucas, all you think about is his death, not his life." Dr. Smith said.
"That makes sense. I've been looking at stones and things. We can have pictures of him, though?" Christine asked.
"Absolutely, have pictures. Talk about him, laugh and do cry but put one foot in front of the other. Somedays, his favorite holiday, his birthday or just a random August 4th, the memories will come back, and they will be enough to suffocate you all, but those days will be outnumbered by the days that you can smile." Dr. Smith advised.
"Do we need to come back?" Mike asked. Hannah was still on his lap and had wrapped her arms around his neck.
"That is up to you. I suggest you do, because honestly, you all have a lot on your plates, but it would no longer be a requirement." Dr. Smith said. Christine stood up and grabbed her purse. Hannah scooted off Mike's lap so he could stand up. He took her hand and smiled down at her.
"Thanks, Doc. Let's get this girl something to eat." Mike said. They all stepped out of the doctor's office and into the lobby.
"I'm hungry too. I'm the one breastfeeding." Christine remarked as Mike set up his next appointment. Dr. Smith laughed in response.
"I take it the new baby likes to eat?" Dr. Smith asked.
"Constantly. Cluster feeding all the time. I feel bad for our friend who is watching him. Or Kaitlyn. Not sure who I feel sorrier for." Christine responded.
"Its good to take a break from all that too. It would become overwhelming if not." Dr. Smith advised.
"I understand. Thankfully, Mason is a good baby other than the cluster feedings." Christine said.
"That's good. Hannah, what do you think of Mason?" Dr. Smith asked. Both Mike and Christine gave her a nervous look. Hannah was not a fan of the new baby and had become intensely jealous.
"He is okay. He doesn't look like an alien now and Daddy says that as he gets bigger, he'll be more fun. Right now, all he does is sleep and eat from Mom's boobie." Hannah said. Now Mike and Christine were embarrassed as they were in the lobby and Hannah was not soft spoken.
"He'll change every day and he'll be a fun playmate very soon. Just give him a chance." Dr. Smith said.
"He needs to hurry up. I'm afraid if I hold him, I'll break him. I'm clumsy and I drop stuff all the time." Hannah announced. Everyone in the lobby began laughing.
"I'm sure your parents would help you. I'd better get to my next appointment. Enjoy lunch!" Dr. Smith said before she left them, and Mike and Christine got Hannah out of the lobby before Hannah completely embarrassed them.
Andrea was watching Mason with Kaitlyn's help, so Mike and Christine took Hannah out for lunch. Before the Red-Flu, they had always made a point to make one on one time with their kids, but it was something they neglected for a while. Hannah was excited for the time alone with her parents and was very talkative. Time would tell if they were past all the anger and frustration. Mike could only hope so.
I am debating on rather to keep this story going to reflect the series or to wrap it up. Readership has been down since the show ended.